What are the most common sexual fantasies for men. How can couples safely explore these desires. Why do men have specific sexual fantasies. What do male sexual fantasies reveal about psychology.

The Psychology Behind Male Sexual Fantasies

Sexual fantasies are a normal and healthy part of human sexuality. For men, these imaginative scenarios often push boundaries and allow for the exploration of deep-seated desires. According to research by Dr. Justin Lehmiller, over 98% of men report having sexual fantasies. But what drives these fantasies and what do they reveal about male psychology?

Sexual fantasies serve several important psychological functions for men:

• They provide a safe outlet for exploring taboo or unconventional desires
• They can boost arousal and enhance sexual experiences
• They allow men to mentally break free from sexual routines or limitations
• They can reveal unfulfilled emotional or physical needs
• They provide an escape from reality and daily stressors

Importantly, having sexual fantasies does not necessarily indicate dissatisfaction with one’s current partner or relationship. Rather, fantasies are a normal part of a healthy imagination and sex life. By understanding the psychology behind male fantasies, we can gain valuable insights into men’s deepest desires and motivations.

Fantasy #1: Partner Takes Control in the Bedroom

One of the most common male sexual fantasies involves the man’s partner taking charge and directing the sexual encounter. This role reversal can be especially appealing for men who typically take on a dominant role in their relationships or daily lives. But why is surrendering control such a turn-on for many men?

There are several psychological factors at play:

• It provides a break from the pressure of always being in control
• It allows men to fully immerse themselves in pleasure without worry
• It satisfies a desire to be desired and pursued sexually
• It can make men feel vulnerable in an exciting, arousing way

For men interested in exploring this fantasy, communication with their partner is key. Discussing desires openly and honestly can pave the way for exciting new experiences in the bedroom. However, it’s important to consider the relationship dynamic and approach the conversation sensitively, especially in long-term partnerships.

Tips for Exploring Partner Control Fantasies:

1. Start with subtle role reversals, like having your partner initiate sex
2. Experiment with sensory deprivation, such as blindfolds, to enhance the feeling of surrender
3. Establish a safe word to ensure comfort and consent throughout
4. Discuss boundaries and limits beforehand
5. Take turns being in control to maintain balance

Fantasy #2: Threesomes and Group Encounters

The idea of engaging in sexual activities with multiple partners is a prevalent fantasy among men of all sexual orientations. But what makes threesomes and group encounters so alluring in the realm of fantasy?

Several factors contribute to the appeal of multi-partner fantasies:

• They offer a sense of sexual abundance and variety
• They can fulfill voyeuristic desires
• They allow for exploration of bisexual curiosities (for some men)
• They can boost feelings of desirability and sexual prowess
• They provide an opportunity to please multiple partners simultaneously

Interestingly, many men fantasize not just about their own pleasure in group scenarios, but also about seeing their partner pleasured by others. This speaks to the complexity of sexual desires and the interplay between love, lust, and arousal.

Navigating Multi-Partner Fantasies in Real Life:

While threesomes are a common fantasy, bringing them into reality requires careful consideration and communication. Some challenges to consider include:

• Potential jealousy and insecurity
• Logistical complexities of finding willing participants
• Emotional aftermath and impact on the primary relationship
• Safety and health concerns
• Differing comfort levels between partners

For couples interested in exploring multi-partner experiences, starting with fantasy role-play or watching ethical pornography together can be a safer way to incorporate elements of this fantasy without the real-world complications.

Fantasy #3: Submission, Bondage, and BDSM

Fantasies involving submission, bondage, and various BDSM practices are increasingly common among men. These scenarios often involve being tied up, teased, or even spanked by a dominant partner. But why do so many men find the idea of sexual submission arousing?

The appeal of submission fantasies can be attributed to several factors:

• They provide a release from societal pressures to always be in control
• They allow for intense focus on physical sensations
• They can create a sense of vulnerability that enhances emotional intimacy
• They offer a safe way to explore power dynamics
• They can provide a cathartic release of stress and tension

Interestingly, research suggests that men who identify as gay, bisexual, or pansexual may be more likely to fantasize about BDSM scenarios compared to their heterosexual counterparts. This could be partly explained by a greater willingness to explore and push sexual boundaries after already breaking the norm of heterosexuality.

Safely Exploring BDSM Fantasies:

1. Educate yourself about BDSM practices and safety protocols
2. Start with mild forms of restraint or dominance play
3. Establish clear boundaries and a safe word
4. Communicate openly about desires, fears, and limits
5. Build trust gradually before engaging in more intense scenarios

It’s crucial to approach BDSM activities with care and respect for all involved parties. Open communication, consent, and aftercare are essential components of healthy BDSM exploration.

Fantasy #4: Exhibitionism and Public Sex

The thrill of potentially being caught or observed during sexual activities is a common element in many men’s fantasies. Exhibitionist fantasies often involve having sex in public or semi-public places. But what drives this desire for sexual display?

Several psychological factors contribute to the appeal of exhibitionist fantasies:

• The excitement of breaking social taboos
• An adrenaline rush from the risk of discovery
• Feelings of sexual empowerment and confidence
• The arousal of potentially being watched or admired
• A desire to spice up routine sexual experiences

It’s important to note that while fantasizing about exhibitionism is common and harmless, acting on these desires in real life without consent from all parties involved is illegal and unethical. Consent is crucial in all sexual activities, including those involving potential observers.

Safe Ways to Explore Exhibitionist Fantasies:

1. Role-play scenarios at home, pretending to be in public places
2. Engage in consensual voyeurism/exhibitionism in controlled environments like sex clubs
3. Experiment with leaving curtains slightly open or having sex on a balcony at night
4. Use mirrors or cameras (for private use only) to simulate being watched
5. Discuss fantasies with your partner to incorporate elements into your sex life safely

Remember, the key to exploring any fantasy is open communication, mutual consent, and respect for legal and ethical boundaries.

Fantasy #5: Role-Playing and Sexual Personas

Many men fantasize about taking on different sexual personas or engaging in role-play scenarios. These fantasies allow for exploration of different aspects of sexuality and personality. But why is role-playing so appealing in sexual fantasies?

The allure of role-playing fantasies can be attributed to several factors:

• It provides an escape from routine sexual dynamics
• It allows for exploration of different power dynamics
• It can help overcome inhibitions by ‘becoming’ someone else
• It adds an element of novelty and excitement to sexual encounters
• It can fulfill desires that may not be possible or appropriate in real life

Common role-play scenarios in male fantasies include doctor/patient, teacher/student, stranger encounters, or even fictional character portrayals. The specific roles often reflect deeper psychological desires or curiosities.

Incorporating Role-Play into Your Sex Life:

1. Start with simple scenarios and gradually increase complexity
2. Use costumes or props to enhance the experience
3. Establish character backstories for more immersive play
4. Set boundaries and discuss comfort levels beforehand
5. Be willing to laugh and have fun with it – perfection isn’t necessary

Role-playing can be a fun and safe way to explore various aspects of sexuality while maintaining the comfort and trust of an established relationship.

Fantasy #6: Exploring Taboo or Forbidden Encounters

Fantasies involving taboo or socially forbidden sexual encounters are not uncommon among men. These may include scenarios with authority figures, family members, or situations that would be unethical or illegal in real life. But why are taboo fantasies so prevalent, and what do they mean?

Several psychological factors contribute to the allure of taboo fantasies:

• The excitement of breaking social norms or rules
• A subconscious desire to rebel against authority
• The thrill of the ‘forbidden fruit’ mentality
• Curiosity about experiences outside of one’s moral comfort zone
• A way to safely explore power dynamics or complex emotions

It’s crucial to understand that having taboo fantasies does not mean a person wants to act on them in real life. Fantasies are a safe mental playground for exploring complex desires without real-world consequences.

Understanding and Coping with Taboo Fantasies:

1. Recognize that thoughts are not actions – having a fantasy doesn’t make you a bad person
2. Explore the underlying emotions or needs the fantasy might represent
3. Consider talking to a sex-positive therapist if fantasies cause distress
4. Find ethical ways to incorporate elements of the fantasy into consensual role-play
5. Use fantasy as a tool for self-understanding rather than a source of shame

Remember, as long as fantasies remain in the realm of imagination and any real-life sexual activities are consensual and legal, there’s no need for guilt or shame about taboo thoughts.

Fantasy #7: Voyeurism and Watching Others

Voyeuristic fantasies, which involve watching others engage in sexual activities, are quite common among men. But what drives the desire to be a sexual spectator, and how does it differ from exhibitionist fantasies?

The appeal of voyeuristic fantasies can be attributed to several factors:

• It allows for sexual arousal without direct participation
• It can fulfill curiosities about others’ sexual behaviors
• It may provide a sense of power or control through observation
• It can be a way to learn new sexual techniques or ideas
• For some, it taps into a desire for emotional distance in sexual scenarios

While acting on non-consensual voyeuristic urges is illegal and unethical, there are safe and consensual ways to explore this fantasy.

Ethical Ways to Explore Voyeuristic Fantasies:

1. Watch ethical, consensually produced pornography with a partner
2. Attend sex-positive events or clubs where consensual observation is allowed
3. Use mirrors during sexual activities with a consenting partner
4. Engage in consensual cybersex or video chat scenarios
5. Incorporate elements of voyeurism into role-play scenarios

As with all sexual activities, consent and respect for boundaries are paramount when exploring voyeuristic interests.

Fantasy #8: Sexual Experimentation and New Experiences

Many men fantasize about trying new sexual experiences or experimenting with activities outside their usual repertoire. This could include exploring different sexual orientations, trying new sex acts, or experimenting with various forms of stimulation. But why is novelty so appealing in sexual fantasies?

The allure of sexual experimentation fantasies can be attributed to several factors:

• It satisfies a natural curiosity about unexplored sexual territories
• It can reignite sexual excitement in long-term relationships
• It allows for personal growth and self-discovery
• It can challenge societal norms or personal boundaries
• It may fulfill a desire for variety and diversity in sexual experiences

These fantasies often reflect a healthy curiosity and openness to sexual exploration. They can also indicate a desire for personal growth or a need to break free from sexual routines.

Safely Exploring New Sexual Experiences:

1. Start with open, honest communication with your partner about desires
2. Research and educate yourself about new practices before trying them
3. Begin with small, manageable steps rather than drastic changes
4. Establish clear boundaries and safe words
5. Be prepared to stop or adjust if anyone becomes uncomfortable

Remember, not all fantasies need to be acted upon. Sometimes, simply sharing and discussing fantasies can be a fulfilling and intimate experience in itself.

Fantasy #9: Romantic and Emotional Connections

While often overlooked, many men have fantasies that focus on deep emotional connections and romantic scenarios. These fantasies might involve intimate moments, declarations of love, or forming powerful bonds with a partner. But why do men fantasize about emotional connections?

Several factors contribute to the appeal of romantic and emotional fantasies:

• They fulfill a need for emotional intimacy and connection
• They can provide a sense of security and acceptance
• They allow for vulnerability in a safe, imaginary space
• They may reflect a desire for deeper meaning in sexual encounters
• They can satisfy emotional needs that may be unmet in reality

These fantasies challenge the stereotype that men are only interested in physical aspects of sex. They highlight the importance of emotional connection in male sexuality and relationships.

Nurturing Emotional and Romantic Connections:

1. Practice open, honest communication about feelings and desires
2. Engage in non-sexual intimate activities like cuddling or massage
3. Create romantic scenarios or date nights to foster connection
4. Express appreciation and affection regularly
5. Be willing to be vulnerable and share deeper thoughts and emotions

Recognizing and validating the importance of emotional connections can lead to more fulfilling sexual experiences and stronger relationships overall.

The Top 9 Sexual Fantasies for Men

The nature of sexual fantasies is that they push the boundaries a bit, stir up your usual mix, and allow you to explore the depth of your desires. And however deeply buried you keep those fantasies in your brain, they’re nothing to be ashamed of.

“In my own research on the subject, I find that more than 98 percent of men report having fantasies,” says Justin Lehmiller, PhD, a research fellow at the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University in Bloomington and the author of Tell Me What You Want. Sex therapists agree that sexual fantasies don’t necessarily indicate dissatisfaction with one’s current partner, either.

Dr. Lehmiller surveyed more than 4,000 American adults about their sexual fantasies for his book, and certain scenarios popped up more frequently than others. According to his research, as well as testaments from other sex therapists, the following are six of the most common sexual fantasies men have — along with tips on how you can bring some of that excitement to your IRL bedroom. For the most part, the fantasies don’t differ much whether you’re gay, straight, or somewhere in between; only the gender of the partner does.

1. His Partner Pursues Him and Takes Control

A little break from your reality is what fantasizing is all about. So the idea of your partner directing the sex script for the night — particularly if your role in the relationship is typically the take-charge guy — can feel like a breakthrough bedroom change. “Sexual surrender is a way to say, ‘I need you to take control. I need to submit to you,’” says Dan Lacovara, a licensed marriage and family therapist for the Center for Healthy Sex in Washington, DC.

To get your partner on board with this kind of role reversal, or any type of fantasy you may have, consider how well you know your current partner. “If you’re at a second-date scenario, what do you have to lose?” says Andrew Smiler, PhD, a sex therapist based in Winston-Salem, North Carolina, and the author of Dating and Sex, adding that there may be less fear of rejection since you haven’t yet invested much time or effort into the person. “If you’re with a long-term partner, you have more to lose — but you may have a better sense of how to approach the conversation.”

2. Could More Be Merrier? A Threesome

Lots of guys, across the sexual board, are very into the multipartner fantasy. And despite common notions about threesomes, it’s not always about selfishly having a new person in the mix for yourself. “Many men are excited about the concept of their partner being pleasured by someone else,” says Lacovara.

Negotiating a threesome with your partner may be more difficult than some of these other common fantasies. “Jealousy and insecurity come into play,” says Lacovara. (Not to mention the logistics of finding someone else to join in.) “For some people, sex is an intimate two-person experience for them, and they aren’t comfortable with that being interrupted.”

But if you do have a partner who is game to try it out, you might discover that something the third person does is a real turn-on that you haven’t thought about doing. “You both can learn a trick or two,” he says.

3. Submission: He’s Tied Up, Teased, and Spanked

This type of fantasy takes the sexual surrender theme to a kinkier place. And while men of any sexual persuasion can dream of being submissive in the bedroom, Lehmiller says that men who identify as anything other than heterosexual tend to have more fantasies about BDSM (bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism) relative to their heterosexual counterparts. “I think this is at least partly explained by the fact that gay, bisexual, and pansexual men have already violated the norm of heterosexuality, which makes it less costly to violate other sexual norms and explore their sexuality fully,” he says.

If you want to bring this one up with your partner, be prepared for the possibility that they may worry they’re going to hurt you. “It can be triggering to some partners to feel comfortable with pain exchange,” says Lacovara. You can help ease their concerns by setting up a safe word or phrase, a prearranged signal to immediately end any sexual activity with no questions or judgment.

4. Exhibitionism: Sex in a Public Place

This type of fantasy clearly falls into the taboo category. “For most people who are into exhibitionism, the turn-on is that it’s naughty,” says Lacovara. “It’s something that people aren’t supposed to do, and the arousal isn’t just genital.” He says the body also gets flushed by dopamine, which is a neurotransmitter that gives you a sense of pleasure.

If you’re into the idea of trying this with your partner, be prepared to make a few compromises, since it’s perfectly natural for someone not to be turned on by the thought of being seen having sex — or the idea of possible arrest. “Ask your partner if they’re willing to dip a toe into the fantasy. Exhibitionism can be something that’s not so overt,” Lacovara says. You and your partner can test the waters by having sex in front of a window of your own home, rather than in a city park in broad daylight.

5. Domination: Pleasure Blended With Pain

Smiler says that BDSM power control, rough sex, and even choking have become more popular in fantasies as they’ve become more popular in porn. “Rough sex is a flavor that some men want on occasion, but not always as a regular flavor,” he says. “If you have to be very controlled in your daily life and you’re not allowed to have certain thoughts, in your fantasies, that’s a place where those desires are allowed to come out.”

If the idea of tying up, spanking, or pegging your partner floats your boat, it can be hot to give it a go in real life. But you need a clear line of communication with your partner before you test any of it out. “Say right up front, ‘I want to talk about this, and it’s kind of tricky for me,’” says Lacovara. “Partners need to talk about sex together, and you need to make sure there is a safe space for that.”

6. Role-Play: Trying Out New Identities

Whether your fantasy is to dress up like a cowboy, a construction worker, or a butler (you do you), this type of fantasy is simply cosplay. “You want to pretend to be something or someone different, and that can be one of the more playful parts of sex,” says Lacovara. “It’s very collaborative, and you are creating a whole new narrative when you’re role-playing.”

The great news if this type of fantasy gets you aroused is that it’s one of the easiest to turn into reality, says Lacovara. “These scenarios are low-risk, and even if it’s not working, it can become very funny,” he says. “The only real downside to it is how much you may need to invest in costumes.”

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30 Common Sexual Fantasies & How to Try Them: Sex Experts Explain

EVERYONE HAS FANTASIES. We fantasize about promotions; vacations; our favorite meals. And most of us fantasize about sex.

“Sexual imagination and erotic fantasies—this is one of the most amazing things that the human brain can do,” says Midori, a sexologist and educator. Letting your imagination run wild during solo or partnered sex is normal, healthy, and fun, even if your fantasies are a bit “taboo. ” They’re called “fantasies” for a reason—imagining a certain scenario doesn’t mean you secretly want to play out that scenario in real life.

“Ultimately, your fantasies do not define your moral character or your value as a human,” says sex therapist Aliyah Moore, Ph.D. “If you want to explore your fantasies and it’s safe and consensual to do so, then find a way.”

Of course, there are some fantasies that are impossible to achieve in real life (for instance, hosting an orgy with your favorite historical figures), but with an open-minded partner, you can role play pretty much anything.

“When broaching the subject, focus on the partner as the central to the pleasure, that this is about sharing sexy fun with them,” Midori says. “Lovers don’t want to feel like a prop or a non-consensual pleasure dispensary service. This is about collaborating on creating delight.”

Are you ready to expand your erotic horizons? Here’s an overview of 30 common sexual fantasies, what they are, and why they’re hot.

Dominating a Partner or Being Dominated By a Partner

Dominating a partner or being dominated by a partner—also known as “power play” or “dominance and submission”—is a common thread that runs through many sexual fantasies. “Sometimes submission is a temporary vacation from day-to-day responsibilities,” Midori says. “Dominance can also be a vacation for people if their responsibilities are about taking care of others’ needs or being fair and egalitarian.” Power play fantasies might include giving and receiving orders, sex between authority figures and subordinates, bondage, impact play, and more. Fantasizing about these kinds of acts doesn’t necessarily mean you crave domination in your sex life, but if you’re curious and have a willing partner, you can always talk through your interests and boundaries and give power play a whirl.

Bondage

Bondage, the act of restraining a person’s body or being restrained during sex or kinky play, is a common fantasy that often goes hand-in-hand (or shall we say “hand-in-cuff?”) with power play. “Bondage might enhance the feeling of power given and taken in dominance and submission play,” Midori says. She explains that being physically restrained with tools like cuffs or rope provides “total bodily and mental release from responsibility,” which is part of what makes bondage such an enticing fantasy. If you want to try out bondage with a partner, make sure you know how to do it safely first.

Oral Sex

A 2021 review published in the Journal of Psychiatry Research found that giving and receiving oral sex was one of the most commonly reported sexual fantasies, and it’s also a commonly reported sex act. Why? Well, it feels great, and since oral sex is rooted in pleasure rather than procreation, it comes with a hint of taboo—and the sexual brain loves taboo. If you have oral sex fantasies but don’t actually enjoy it in real life, that’s fine—but if you want to go down while getting it on, go for it!

Group Sex

They say “three’s a crowd,” but for some people, a “crowd” is exactly what gets them hot. A 2017 study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found that the majority of its heterosexual participants were open to having a threesome. If the idea of a threesome, a foursome, or a full-on orgy turns you on, you’re in good company! You can store those fantasies in your spank bank, but if you’re feeling adventurous, you can also make a threesome happen IRL.

Gang Bangs

“Gang bangs” are different from group sex in that one person’s body is the central focus of the other participants, and according to a 2014 study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, it’s a fairly common sexual fantasy. Some people fantasize about getting gang banged because they’d like their body to be “worshiped.” Others are titillated by the idea of being “used.” With planning, communication, a safe word, and a group of eager participants, you just might be able to pull this one off in real life.

Infidelity

“Cheating fantasies are usually as simple as the idea that forbidden fruit tastes sweeter,” Moore says. If you get off on the idea of cheating on your partner, that doesn’t necessarily mean you want to do it in real life; it’s possible that your brain is just seeking a thrill ride. “Fantasizing about infidelity does not mean that you don’t love your partner, don’t want them sexually, or secretly want to cheat on them,” Moore explains. “It just means that your sexuality is a bit more promiscuous than your conscious mind, which is true for most of us.”

Being in an Open Relationship

While some people fantasize about cheating, others fantasize about being in a relationship that allows for sex with others. According to a 2020 study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, nearly one third of adults reported that being in some type of sexually open relationship was their favorite fantasy, and 80% of those people said they wanted to act on that fantasy in the future.

Incest

There’s a reason why there are so many unrelated adult performers acting as “daddies” and “daughters,” “step mothers” and “step sons,” and “twins” in porn: Cultural taboos can be a major turn-on. If you find yourself fantasizing about incest scenarios, watching “incest” porn, or wanting to role play an imagined incest scenario with a partner, don’t freak out. “These fantasies can be very disturbing and unsettling for the person having them and the partner hearing about them,” Midori says. “But having these fantasies does not automatically mean that you are on your way to being a predator or that you are suffering from past trauma.” That said, if you’re concerned about the thoughts you’re having, you can always reach out to a mental health professional.

Sex in an Unusual Place

Banging in the bedroom can get boring, which is why some people fantasize about having sex in unusual places (and others actually follow through!). Whether you fantasize about joining the mile high club or getting head on the beach, imagining the unique scenery—plus the potential of getting caught—might kick your arousal up a notch.

Exhibitionism

Speaking of “getting caught,” exhibitionist fantasies are all about being seen. People who fantasize about exhibitionism might be turned on by the idea of public sex, getting naked in front of a crowd, stripping or having sex on camera, or masturbating in front of a person or group. If you want to bring exhibitionism into your real life, keep your exposure consensual. Exploring your exhibitionist side at a sex party, dungeon, or swinger’s club; sending nudes to eager recipients; or putting on a sexy show for a partner will ensure that your exhibitionism is wanted and appreciated.

Martin Meyer//Getty Images

Voyeurism

If you’re turned on at the thought of watching others get naked, masturbate, or have sex, then you’re fantasizing about voyeurism. Watching sex can be just as pleasurable as having sex, and the thrill of seeing something you’re “not supposed to see” can send your libido through the roof. If you want to practice consensual voyeurism IRL, ask a partner if you can watch them masturbate or suggest some “peeping Tom” role play.

Cuckolding

Cuckolding is a specific type of voyeurism. Historically, the word “cuckold” was used to describe a man who’d been deceived by an adulterous wife. These days, the word “cuckold” refers to a person (usually a man) who’s turned on by watching their partner having sex with another person. Why does this fantasy get some people hot and bothered? “Often, it’s the thrill of the taboo or transgression of the monogamous norm,” Midori explains. “Some enjoy it because they’re getting pleasure from their partner’s pleasure. For others, it can be part of their dominance and submission erotic narrative.” If you and your partner are particularly enterprising, you can try cuckolding in real life, too.

Anal Sex

Some people fantasize about a good ol’ fashioned anal pounding, whether the backdoor plays a role in their actual sex life or not. According to a 2014 study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, giving or receiving anal penetration is a popular sexual fantasy, especially among men. Just like with oral sex, the “taboo” of a non-procreative sex act is probably part of the appeal. “It makes anal an intimate act,” Alicia Sinclair, sex educator and founder of the anal sex toy company b-Vibe, told Men’s Health. “There is also an element of dominance and submission that can be very sexy in the power dynamics of a sexual experience.”

Alien Sex

People fantasize about aliens in all kinds of ways. Some are into the idea of getting abducted, while others get moist for medical experimentation, alien egg-laying, or tentacles. The overarching theme is transgression. We’re “not supposed to” interact sexually with intergalactic species—and like many other fantasies on this list, taboo is a turn-on! While you probably can’t get your extraterrestrial freak on with the real deal, alien porn and alien role play might help you scratch your itch (there are even sex toys that allow you to lay “alien eggs” inside a partner).

Sex With a Stranger

From apps to bars to glory holes, there are lots of ways to meet a stranger for an anonymous hookup in real life or just in your dirty mind. The “no strings attached” nature of anonymous sex is what makes this fantasy so arousing. When you’re bogged down with daily responsibilities, the idea of sex that’s just sex—with zero emotional attachments or expectations—can be quite appealing.

Sex With a Boss

Considering the imbalanced power dynamic and potential consequences, having sex with your real-life boss is usually inadvisable. But that doesn’t mean you can’t think about banging your boss or a fictional authority figure, and chances are, you already do. When Dr. Justin Lehmiller conducted a large-scale study on sexual fantasies, 62.5% of the people surveyed said they’d fantasized about having sex with an authority figure, such as a boss or teacher. Why? “The sexual mind loves power,” Lehmiller told Men’s Health. If you want to get railed over your desk IRL, try some boss/employee role play with a partner.

Doctor/Patient Sex

In the realm of authority figures, doctors easily slip into sexual fantasies. After all, they already have intimate access to their patients’ parts. “Doctors are granted permission to examine our bodies, so fantasy doctors can tell us to take our clothes off for examinations and touch us in fantasy ways,” Midori says. “Doctor/patient fantasies are another naughty scenario of transgressing social norms safely.” If you want to let your medical fetish flag fly, buy some latex gloves and try playing doctor with a partner.

Impregnation/Breeding

Most of the time, couples engaging in P-in-V sex are either trying to A) get pregnant, or B) not get pregnant. And some people are turned on by the idea of getting pregnant or getting someone else pregnant, even if that’s not something they want in reality. People of all genders and orientations can have impregnation fantasies, even if they never have the kind of sex that could actually put a bun in someone’s oven. At their core, these fantasies—which are sometimes called a “breeding” fetish—are about dominance and submission. The “breeder” gets to dominate the receptive partner by ejaculating inside them, while the receptive partner gets to be “taken” or “used.” If you’re role playing a breeding scene with a partner and don’t want to do any real baby-making, make sure you’re using at least one form of birth control.

A Massage With a Happy Ending

Like doctors, massage therapists are given special access to our bodies. Lots of people fantasize about getting an extra “thorough” massage, since it pairs the thrill of anonymity with the titillation of doing something you’re not “supposed” to do. If you want to turn your fantasy into reality, you can practice erotic massage with a partner or seek out an erotic massage professional.

Vincent Besnault//Getty Images

Impact Play

If you fantasize about getting spanked, slapped, paddled, or flogged (or if you fantasize about doing the spanking, slapping, paddling, or flogging), then you’re hot for impact play, which falls under the BDSM umbrella. Unique sensations—including pain—can really get your juices flowing, especially when those sensations are coupled with power play or bondage. Having impact play fantasies can be distressing for some people, because living out these fantasies is often pathologized. But people who intentionally seek out pain for sexual gratification are no different from people who intentionally experience pain when they’re running marathons, getting tattooed, or choking down super spicy ramen. It provides an endorphin rush! If you want to try impact play with a partner, do your safety research first.

Sex With an Ex

If you find yourself getting off on memories of your ex, don’t worry—that doesn’t mean you secretly want to get back together. “Fantasizing about an ex usually just means that you had a positive sexual experience with them you’d like to relive,” Moore explains. “If you consciously decided to break up for good reasons, then trust your conscious mind. Your fantasies mostly just show you things you want that are rooted in your subconscious; they don’t contain secrets about what’s best for you.”

Sex as Another Gender

If you’re a different gender in your sexual fantasies, that doesn’t necessarily mean you want to live as that gender—you might just be curious. Imagining yourself as another gender can help you push gender norms aside and experience sex in new ways. “Men may want to feel pretty, cherished, or submissive. Women may want to feel dominant, strong, or assertive,” Moore says. “Those who identify with neither traditional gender might want to dabble in those roles, and anyone might want to experience something outside or in between them.” If you want to try out gender-swapping role play, there are lots of tools—like strap-ons, binders, padded bras, and tucking underwear—that can help you embody a new persona.

Sex as Someone of a Different Sexual Orientation

Some straight people fantasize about having gay sex. Some gay people fantasize about having straight sex. Those thoughts could be a sign that you’re a little more sexually fluid than you previously believed, but they might just be fantasies that tickle your erotic imagination. A 2017 study published in the Archive of Sexual Behavior found that one in five straight men watches gay porn—and those men still consider themselves straight. Of course, if you want to act on your fantasies and expand your sexual horizons, go for it!

Rough Sex

Definitions of “rough sex” vary, but if you search the term on PornHub, you’ll find people tearing each other’s clothes off, holding each other down, thrusting vigorously, dirty talking, and pulling each other’s hair—all while screaming in ecstasy. There are multiple reasons why rough sex is a popular porn genre and a popular sexual fantasy. Some people associate rough sex with passion and heightened emotions, while others, according to a 2019 study published in Evolutionary Psychological Science, attribute their interest in rough sex to a desire for novelty. If you want to engage in rough sex with a partner, make sure you discuss your desires and boundaries in advance.

Choking

Choking often makes an appearance in rough sex fantasies. “Choking is an act of surrender, when we completely trust the other, dominant party and let them take complete ‘life threatening’ control over the submissive party,” Lia Holmgren, an intimacy and relationship coach, told Men’s Health. She pointed out that the “life threatening” aspect of choking fantasies isn’t grounded in a real desire to give or receive a near-death experience—but the idea of having that power or giving someone else that power can be hot. Experimenting with choking during sex is extremely dangerous. If that’s something you and a partner want to try, take a kink workshop led by an experienced professional who can walk you through the risks and proper technique. If you just want your partner to place their hands on your neck without actually restricting your breathing, make sure you both know how to do that safely—and don’t forget to establish both a safe word and “safety action.”

Humiliation

Humiliation fantasies might involve verbal degradation, objectification, public embarrassment, cuckolding, servitude, and more. So why does feeling bad feel so good to some people? “I think it’s tied to how our culture treats sex as an embarrassing or taboo topic,” Moore says. “The more we treat something natural like it’s freakish or embarrassing, the more we’ll have a subconscious desire to push against that standard.” If you want to try out erotic humiliation with a partner, talk about your desires and limits ahead of time.

Consensual Non-Consent

When Dr. Justin Lehmiller surveyed more than 4,000 Americans about their sexual fantasies for his book Tell Me What You Want, 61% of women, 54% of men, and 68% of nonbinary people reported that they’d fantasized about being raped. While rape fantasies have long been pathologized, having these thoughts doesn’t mean you’ve been sexually assaulted or you’re suppressing memories of sexual assault. These fantasies are common across demographics, and they’re often grounded in a desire to be dominated and to “lose control.” If you want to role play a “consensual non-consent” scene with a partner, plan it out in advance and agree on a safe word.

“Losing” Your Virginity or Having Sex With a Virgin

Hopefully by now, we all know that “virginity” is a made-up concept that unfairly puts P-in-V intercourse on a pedestal and sets the stage for a culture of slut-shaming. But that doesn’t mean we can’t play around with it! Like with other fantasies on this list, virginity fantasies are usually about dominance and submission—or more specifically, “taking” and “being taken.” Even if you and your partner both “lost” your virginity long ago, you can still role play this fantasy.

Paying for Sex or Getting Paid for Sex

“There are a hundred reasons that someone might find this idea arousing, but more often than not, it comes down to the fact that it feels naughty, wrong, or off-limits,” Moore says. “On the other hand, being paid for sex can make a person feel valued, sexy, or naughty in some cases.” To live out this fantasy, you can role play a sex worker/client scene with a partner, or you can go ahead and actually hire a sex worker. Just make sure to look up your local sex work laws in advance so you clearly understand potential risks and pay them well for their services!

Sex With Someone Much Older or Younger

You might fantasize about being a wide-eyed pool boy getting frisky with a MILF, DILF, or both. Maybe you imagine yourself as a wealthy, older CEO hooking up with a college sorority girl. Getting to be someone’s “hot young thing” or having an older, wiser partner who can teach you their sexual tricks are both popular turn-ons that tango with taboo. Real life May/December dating can be complicated, since a wide age gap can create an imbalanced power dynamic, so if you want to make your fantasy a reality, bolster your self-awareness and clearly communicate your intentions. For a simpler real life romp, put on your tiniest, tightest shorts and role play your pool boy fantasy with a partner.

Ro White

Ro White is a Chicago-based writer, sex educator, and Autostraddle’s Sex & Dating Editor.

Secrets of the Madrid court: 7 male erotic fantasies

Love and sex

Men’s fantasies on intimate topics sometimes have nothing to do with girls’ “vanilla” dreams, remaining for us terra incognita. At best, we’ll find out what he wants by stumbling – quite by accident, of course – on the video in his laptop, and at worst . .. But let’s not talk about sad things. Knowledge, as you know, not only multiplies sorrows, but also makes us omnipotent. Ekaterina Lyubimova, a well-known sex coach and founder of the SEX.RF Training Center network, compiled a rating of the most popular male fantasies for ELLE and shared tips on how to implement them.

It is worth mentioning right away. Firstly, the presence of erotic fantasies does not mean at all that something is wrong with your chosen one or that he is preparing to go “to the left”. Fantasies are normal for both men and women (admit it, you yourself sometimes think about something piquant). Secondly, despite the most common preferences, the attitude of each of us to certain subjects is individual. What for one will be just an innocent prank, for another can turn into a psychotrauma. Therefore, the main principle of “screening” secret desires should always remain voluntariness. Do only what pleases you and does not cause fear.

What is your name?

Sex with a stranger is one of the favorite stories of all time. Romance, passion, lack of embarrassment, obligations and fear of showing their spontaneous desires – what man has not dreamed of such a turn of events at least once? No need to condemn him for this, it’s better … become his stranger!

The easiest way to play “casual date” is to change the image or role play. Buy an erotic nurse costume, change your hair and make-up, put on a strict paramedic mask and start the foreplay with a “patient examination”, completing it with some unexpected technique. For more inventive couples, advanced “multi-act plays” such as playing strangers on the beach with a continuation in a hotel room are suitable.

Animal

In the desire to rudely and repeatedly “take” a woman, there is something animal, such sex makes a man feel like a wild male who does not waste time on “human” conventions in the form of gentle foreplay and romance. Admittedly, ladies often support such a fantasy. But unlike staged films, in life this plot is most often hindered by one “inconsistency” – the difference in the physiology of male and female arousal. To come into “combat readiness”, girls, as a rule, need about 30 minutes of foreplay. Little tricks can come to the rescue in such situations – special vaginal balls “for warming up” (use them 30-40 minutes before the intended proximity), a vibrating massager and even your own fingers.

Will you be third?

Sex with two girls (the so-called ZHMZH), another undisputed leader of male erotic fantasies, is associated with the natural polygamy of the stronger sex, the desire to possess as many women as possible. Most often, in reality, few couples venture into such experiments, which is quite fair. After all, the “third” is also a living person, which means that there is a high risk of resentment, complexes, and even a “love triangle”.

However, I have already described these and other dangers of threesomes in detail in a separate article. As well as about effective ways to find less risky substitutes for the “natural trio” – toys, role-playing games or new formats of sex.

Multi-move

The fantasy of possessing a woman orally, anally and vaginally in one “session” is connected with the desire to use all the partner’s erogenous zones and, as a result, realize one hundred percent as a man. If your companion is really one of those who are capable of such a marathon, come up with different stories of your proximity, not forgetting about safety precautions. For those whose partners do not differ in endurance, scenarios that simulate such penetrations are suitable. For example, caress him orally while stimulating yourself with a dildo attached to a vertical surface, and then move on to anal sex. Or, sitting in pose 69, give him a blowjob while he stimulates you with a double anal-vaginal stimulation vibrator.

Sensual mouth

Let me tell you a secret. If you are a master at blowjob, you will become the best woman in his life. I’m not kidding. For a man, oral sex is more than just caresses. Fellatio is not only the highest manifestation of trust in a couple, but also demonstrates the submission of a partner to the maximum. In addition, oral caresses, due to the more “relief” structure of the oral cavity and the ability to masterfully control the muscles, give a man an incomparable sensation, which many consider much brighter than vaginal sex.

It only takes three things to give him the blowjob of his dreams. The first is to master the relevant skills, preferably first on the simulator, and even better – under the supervision of a sex coach. The second is to use a special oil that removes unpleasant taste sensations and has an anesthetic effect. The third is to effectively present this “dish”. You can do it unexpectedly, or vice versa, torment him all day with intriguing hints and show off your signature number in a romantic evening setting. Fantasize!

Attack from the rear

At the top of the sex fantasy rankings is also anal sex. Like fellatio, this format of intimacy embodies high trust in a couple and male dominance. Many representatives of the stronger sex also love him for the acute sense of violation of the “prohibition” and the absence of the risk of unwanted conception. But, of course, one of the main reasons is the bright sensations that a narrower entrance provides.

Despite the fact that many modern couples practice anal sex, many girls are wary of this kind of sex. And not in vain – with improper preparation, it can really be harmful to health. But if you do everything “according to science”, you can not only give bliss to your partner, but also experience completely new sensations yourself.

Prerequisites for proper anal sex are preparation, lubrication, hygiene and a reasonable frequency of such practice. And do not get carried away with such intimacy more than two or three times a month – the muscles need to recover.

Already in the frying pan

A woman wriggling in his arms and literally hysterically reaching an orgasm in all conceivable and inconceivable positions – literally a classic porn story. The love of the stronger sex for such a scenario is associated with male self-esteem. Contrary to the stereotype, it is extremely important for a man to receive feedback from his partner. And of course, the stormy and most importantly, sincere reaction to his bedding skills is much more pleasant than the monotonous sounds coming from under five blankets in the dark.

The first, and perhaps the main reason for the unnatural behavior of many women in bed is complexes or attitudes coming from childhood (such as “a real lady should not enjoy sex”). Another obstacle is the inability to “turn off your head” and truly relax. With the first, independent work on oneself can help, and if the problem is serious (for example, psychotrauma), then a professional psychologist. You can learn to “turn off your head” with the help of special exercises. Try, for example, to develop your favorite erotic fantasies daily at the level of all sensations (auditory, visual, tactile, olfactory) and reconstruct them during intimacy with your loved one.

Men’s fantasy top

• Sex for two
  men with a woman takes first place in the ranking of men
  dreams. Such a fantasy has very deep psychological roots, and
  it is not surprising that this particular plot is a favorite topic of pornography.
  The main thing that prevents any man from having sex is the idea,
  that a woman will not have sex “just like that” – she should
  “persuade”.

This stereotype, which often has nothing to do with the real
life, very “slows down” male sexuality. And with the help of such
fantasy woman from the image of “impregnable rock” is transferred to the category
harlots. That is, having sex with two men, she, as it were,
becomes more “carnal”, and this, of course, improves intimate life
men. Therefore, if your partner fantasizes about this kind of sex,
he has difficulty in inviting a woman to intimacy, he is too
idealizes a partner, which means he is not inclined to behave in bed
liberated.

Tip:
to overcome this, you should not, of course, invite a “third person” to bed
best friend or stairwell neighbor. Just try
become more relaxed, do not pinch, and it will be easier for a man.

• Sex with two
  women –
  fantasy, which is in second place in terms of prevalence. How
  men think, if two women agree to have sex with you, then
  they appreciate you, you have sexual power, domineering character. That
  there is you for them – a super male, a super man both psychologically and
  physiologically.

Tip:
a man with such fantasies can be confident and sexy
hardy, in bed with him a woman may get a huge
pleasure.

• The third most common fantasy is a woman demonstrating
  their sexual organs. Even for an experienced man, they are often
  a complete mystery. But the way girls are “arranged” excites boys with
  childhood. But few women show their charms to a man, and
  in vain! After all, it not only excites, but also stimulates sexuality.

Tip:
Is a man who dreams of looking at you “in more detail” sure that
can give a woman pleasure? Yes, he takes care of his
partner and wants her to be completely satisfied! So don’t
feel free to show him your genitals, because if for a man this
will be a “forbidden fruit”, it is unlikely that your intimate life will be rich and
active.

• Sex with
  an unfamiliar woman is in fourth place. How
  as a rule, this is sex before meeting, immediately after meeting, or even instead
  dating, reminiscent of rape. By the way, the first episode
  pornographic postcards, released in mass circulation, was precisely on
  this topic. A man usually imagines that when he attacks
  woman, she is at first confused, indignant, but as he
  pierces her with a powerful member, excited. Yes, such a man is sure of
  himself, but he often does not pay much attention to foreplay!
  Why is that? It has long been known that the main female claim to intimate
  living with a man is not enough foreplay. 90% of men know this, but everyone
  equals “sack” Why? The fact is that male sexual fantasies
  developed in adolescence, when testosterone is raging with might and main. AND,
  Naturally, with such a riot of hormones, you won’t fantasize that
  caress a woman for half an hour. What if adolescence was
  long and fantasies have strengthened (and we have sex in
  according to them), becoming an adult, about foreplay somehow does not
  think especially. “Immediate sex” is therefore a “harmful fantasy”
  which greatly interferes with intimate life, if it is fixed and passes into
  reality.

Tip:
if a partner caresses you for exactly five minutes, ask if he
fantasizes about sex with a stranger? Is he confident? So why
wants his partner to be disappointed? This is one way
explain that fast sex does not mean quality. By the way,
it’s not bad to “play” rape once so that the fantasy finally
realized, and after that to engage in slow, sensual sex.

• Monitoring
  masturbating woman. This fantasy again reflects
  curiosity, but not to the structure of the genital organs, but to how it works
  female mechanism of satisfaction. Many men understand that women
  sensuality is very different from male, that it is much more
  complex. Still, the female body for a man is a mystery. That’s why
  looking at a woman masturbating is a way to satisfy your
  curiosity and learn how best to please your partner. Except
  Moreover, masturbation in front of a man is a symbol of trust in
  relationships. After all 90% of women find it easier to surrender to a man than to show him
  How is the process of masturbation!

Tip:
if a man asks you to masturbate in front of him, he won’t
pervert, but just wants to know how much you love him and appreciate him
wishes! Well, if for some reason this is unpleasant for you, think, maybe the connection
with this person is just an episode in your life and you are not so
you feel psychologically confident in order to show the most
intimate and intimate, what do you have in life?

• Sex in place
  where you might be caught, is an exhibitionist fantasy. She
  associated not so much with sex as with the desire to shock, quit
  challenge the public, express social protest against the restrictions.
  This fantasy is especially characteristic of teenagers or young people, but also
  also occurs in mature men. As a rule, this is a demonstration of
  sexual power, the ability to persuade a woman to have sex in any, even
  most inconvenient place.

Tip:
it is quite possible that such a man, although he considers himself very
attractive “macho”, really not too sexy skillful. Well
of course, it is not sex itself that is important for him, but the opportunity to once again experience
thrill. Spontaneous sex where you have to – it’s original, but
does the partner think about your feelings and desires, if he really
often and with stubbornness tries to take possession of you, now in the stairwell, now
in the cinema toilet?

• Sex in
  own boss’s office. Such a fantasy has
  little relation to sex. Often a man, dreaming about sex in the chief’s office with
  his secretary or wife, for example, dreams of rising above his
  chief. As a rule, such a man believes that the boss does not appreciate him and
  does not love. You have to somehow become “higher”, if you can not surpass
  chief by status and in the hierarchy! Peeping. Often male
  dreams of spying on a woman performing hygiene
  procedures. In general, everything related to “unintentional”, but sexual
  female movements, insanely excites a man. Why, for example, almost
  no one dreams of sexual intimacy with a stripper? Because,
  if a woman does something on purpose, knowing that she is being watched,
  becomes uninteresting.

Tip:
if a man spies on you in the bathroom, although you already live together
six months, don’t panic and don’t call 911. Your partner is not
voyeur and not a pervert. It’s just that he is insanely upset that in childhood he did not
could satisfy my interest in what it does in the bathroom
elder sister. Now it’s making up for lost time.

• Sex with
  virgin. Common youth fantasy.
  Firstly, for a man it is a way to assert himself.