What are the key indicators of oldest child syndrome. How does birth order affect personality development. What strategies can help manage the challenges of being the firstborn.

Understanding Oldest Child Syndrome: Origins and Impact

Oldest child syndrome refers to a set of characteristics and behaviors often observed in firstborn children. This phenomenon stems from the unique position these individuals occupy within the family dynamic. As the first to arrive, they experience a different upbringing compared to their younger siblings, which can shape their personality and outlook on life.

The roots of oldest child syndrome can be traced to several factors:

• Increased parental attention and expectations during early years
• Stricter parenting approaches with the firstborn
• The transition from only child to older sibling
• Being viewed as a role model for younger siblings

These influences can lead to both positive and negative traits in oldest children. While they may develop strong leadership skills and a sense of responsibility, they may also struggle with perfectionism and feelings of pressure to succeed.

Key Signs of Oldest Child Syndrome

Recognizing the signs of oldest child syndrome is crucial for understanding and addressing the unique challenges faced by firstborns. Here are some common indicators:

1. Natural Leadership Tendencies

Oldest children often display strong leadership qualities from an early age. They may take charge in group settings, organize activities, and feel comfortable giving directions to others. This trait can be beneficial in many aspects of life but may sometimes come across as bossy or controlling.

2. High Achiever Mentality

The pressure to succeed and set a good example often leads oldest children to become high achievers. They may strive for excellence in academics, sports, or other pursuits, driven by both internal motivation and external expectations.

3. Perfectionist Tendencies

The desire to meet high standards can manifest as perfectionism in oldest children. They may be overly critical of themselves and struggle with accepting anything less than their best performance.

4. Responsible and Reliable Nature

Oldest children often develop a strong sense of responsibility from an early age. They may be relied upon by parents to help with household tasks or care for younger siblings, leading to a mature and dependable demeanor.

5. Difficulty Expressing Emotions

Some oldest children struggle with emotional expression. They may feel the need to appear strong and composed, even when facing challenges or stress. This can lead to difficulty in seeking help or sharing vulnerabilities.

6. Resentment Towards Younger Siblings

The shift from being an only child to sharing parental attention can sometimes result in feelings of resentment towards younger siblings. This may manifest as competitiveness or a desire to maintain a “superior” status within the family.

7. People-Pleasing Behaviors

Many oldest children develop a strong desire to please others, particularly their parents. This can lead to prioritizing others’ needs over their own and struggling to set boundaries.

The Psychology Behind Oldest Child Syndrome

To fully grasp the complexities of oldest child syndrome, it’s essential to delve into the psychological factors at play. The unique position of the firstborn within the family structure significantly influences their development and behavior patterns.

Several psychological theories provide insight into the oldest child syndrome:

• Alfred Adler’s Birth Order Theory
• Attachment Theory
• Social Learning Theory

Adler’s Birth Order Theory suggests that a child’s position in the family constellation plays a crucial role in shaping their personality. Firstborns, according to this theory, often develop traits such as conscientiousness and achievement-orientation due to their initial period as the sole focus of parental attention.

Attachment Theory, developed by John Bowlby, emphasizes the importance of early relationships in shaping a child’s emotional and social development. Oldest children may form strong attachments with their parents, which can influence their later relationships and sense of security.

Social Learning Theory, proposed by Albert Bandura, highlights the role of observation and modeling in behavior development. As the first child, oldest siblings often learn directly from their parents and may internalize adult behaviors and expectations more readily than their younger counterparts.

Positive Aspects of Being the Oldest Child

While much focus is placed on the challenges associated with oldest child syndrome, it’s important to recognize the numerous positive attributes often displayed by firstborns:

1. Strong Leadership Skills

The responsibility placed on oldest children often fosters excellent leadership abilities. They learn to take charge, make decisions, and guide others from an early age.

2. High Achievement Orientation

The drive to succeed and meet expectations can lead to significant accomplishments in various areas of life, from academics to career pursuits.

3. Emotional Intelligence

Many oldest children develop strong emotional intelligence as they navigate family dynamics and learn to understand and manage their own emotions as well as those of their siblings.

4. Problem-Solving Abilities

Being the first to face many childhood challenges, oldest children often become adept problem-solvers, developing creative and practical solutions to various issues.

5. Sense of Responsibility

The early adoption of responsible behaviors can translate into reliability and dependability in personal and professional relationships.

These positive traits can contribute significantly to an oldest child’s success and well-being throughout life. However, it’s crucial to maintain a balance and address any negative aspects of oldest child syndrome to ensure overall emotional health and happiness.

Challenges Faced by Oldest Children

While being the oldest child comes with numerous advantages, it also presents unique challenges that can impact mental health and personal relationships. Understanding these difficulties is crucial for developing effective coping strategies.

1. Pressure to Succeed

Oldest children often face intense pressure to achieve and set a good example for their younger siblings. This can lead to stress, anxiety, and fear of failure.

2. Difficulty Relaxing and Having Fun

The sense of responsibility instilled in oldest children may make it challenging for them to relax and enjoy carefree moments. They might feel guilty when not being productive or helping others.

3. Struggle with Perfectionism

The drive to meet high standards can evolve into unhealthy perfectionism, causing self-criticism and dissatisfaction with their efforts.

4. Difficulty in Delegating Tasks

Accustomed to taking charge and handling responsibilities, oldest children may struggle to delegate tasks or ask for help when needed.

5. Balancing Independence and Family Obligations

As they grow older, firstborns may find it challenging to balance their desire for independence with familial expectations and responsibilities.

Recognizing these challenges is the first step in developing strategies to overcome them and maintain a healthy emotional balance.

Strategies for Coping with Oldest Child Syndrome

For individuals experiencing the effects of oldest child syndrome, implementing effective coping strategies can lead to improved well-being and more balanced relationships. Here are some approaches to consider:

1. Practice Self-Compassion

Learning to be kind to oneself and accepting imperfections is crucial. Oldest children should work on challenging their inner critic and embracing a more compassionate self-dialogue.

2. Set Realistic Expectations

It’s important to establish achievable goals and recognize that perfection is not attainable or necessary. Focus on progress rather than flawless outcomes.

3. Develop Assertiveness Skills

Learning to express needs, set boundaries, and say “no” when necessary can help oldest children maintain their well-being while still being supportive of others.

4. Cultivate Interests Outside Family Roles

Engaging in hobbies and activities unrelated to family responsibilities can provide a sense of identity separate from the oldest child role.

5. Seek Support and Open Communication

Talking openly with family members about feelings and expectations can lead to greater understanding and support. Consider therapy or counseling for additional guidance.

6. Practice Mindfulness and Stress-Reduction Techniques

Incorporating mindfulness practices, meditation, or other stress-reduction techniques can help manage the pressure and anxiety often associated with oldest child syndrome.

By implementing these strategies, oldest children can work towards a more balanced and fulfilling life, leveraging the positive aspects of their birth order while mitigating potential negative impacts.

Parenting Strategies for Supporting Oldest Children

Parents play a crucial role in shaping the experiences of their firstborn children. By implementing thoughtful parenting strategies, they can help mitigate the negative aspects of oldest child syndrome while nurturing positive traits. Here are some effective approaches:

1. Recognize Individual Needs

Understand that each child, including the oldest, has unique needs and personalities. Avoid comparing siblings or expecting the firstborn to always set the example.

2. Encourage Independence

While it’s natural to rely on the oldest for help, ensure they have opportunities to pursue their own interests and develop independence.

3. Validate Emotions

Create a safe space for the oldest child to express their feelings, including frustrations or resentments related to their role in the family.

4. Balance Responsibilities and Privileges

While oldest children often have more responsibilities, ensure they also enjoy age-appropriate privileges to balance out their duties.

5. Spend Quality One-on-One Time

Make efforts to spend individual time with the oldest child, focusing on their interests and needs without the presence of younger siblings.

6. Avoid Overburdening

Be mindful of the responsibilities placed on the oldest child. Ensure they’re not taking on parental roles or excessive caregiving duties for younger siblings.

7. Encourage Healthy Risk-Taking

Support the oldest child in trying new things and taking age-appropriate risks, helping them develop resilience and self-confidence.

By implementing these strategies, parents can create a supportive environment that allows their oldest child to thrive while maintaining a healthy family dynamic.

The Impact of Oldest Child Syndrome on Adult Relationships

The traits and behaviors associated with oldest child syndrome can significantly influence adult relationships, both personal and professional. Understanding these impacts can help individuals navigate their relationships more effectively.

Romantic Relationships

In romantic partnerships, oldest children may display the following tendencies:

• Taking on caretaker roles
• Struggling with vulnerability and emotional expression
• High expectations for themselves and their partners
• Difficulty in asking for help or support

These traits can lead to both strengths and challenges in relationships. While the nurturing and responsible nature of oldest children can create stability, their perfectionist tendencies and struggle with emotional openness may cause tension.

Friendships

In friendships, oldest children often exhibit these characteristics:

• Natural leadership in social groups
• Reliability and dependability as friends
• Tendency to give advice and problem-solve
• Possible difficulty in relaxing and engaging in carefree activities

These traits can make oldest children valued friends, but they may need to work on balancing their serious nature with more lighthearted interactions.

Professional Relationships

In the workplace, oldest child syndrome can manifest in the following ways:

• Strong work ethic and dedication
• Natural leadership abilities
• High achievement orientation
• Potential for micromanagement or difficulty delegating

While these traits can lead to career success, they may also result in burnout or conflicts with colleagues if not managed effectively.

Recognizing these patterns allows individuals to leverage their strengths while addressing potential challenges in their relationships. Open communication, self-awareness, and a willingness to adapt can help oldest children build more balanced and fulfilling connections across all areas of their lives.

16 Signs of Oldest Child Syndrome and How to Deal With It

Are you the oldest child in your family? Do you carry a lot of pressure to be successful or to achieve a lot of things? If so, you may be exhibiting signs of oldest child syndrome.

While not all oldest children display these behaviors, there are some common signs to look out for.

According to experts, the following are signs of oldest child syndrome, along with ways to deal with it.

Emilia Moskal

Parenting Content Specialist, HiJunior

Unfortunately, the oldest child is often treated as a secondary parental figure to their youngest siblings.

Their childhoods also differ due to the fact that parents tend to be stricter with their first child than with those after. There are, however, some pros too.

For example, the oldest children receive more toys and have no hand-me-downs. Parents also tend to take a lot more photos of them compared to younger children.

They are natural leaders and overachievers

The expectation on the oldest child can exert a lot of pressure, which then creates a bossy and overachieving attitude.

Related: How to Let Go of Expectations & Why It’s Important

Alongside this, they are naturally pushed into control at a younger age, acting as ‘teachers’ to their younger siblings. Not forgetting the fact that these attitudes may also result in a personality that leans towards being more serious and having a strong drive.

This can, however, also lead to being too overbearing, controlling, and having an unhealthily competitive drive.

Resentment toward their younger sibling

Although this may be difficult to spot from an outsider’s point of view, it is a very common occurrence.

Due to the fact that as the oldest and first child, they were most likely very pampered and used to having 100% of the attention and affection of their parents.

When another sibling comes, they have to learn how to share, which is not always the easiest.

How do we deal with these symptoms?

There are many ways one can counter this, arguably the most important being — spending time with your oldest child. Showing them that they are important and have their own privileges (since their younger siblings can get away with a lot more things!).

Sitting down and speaking with them about opportunities, expectations, and feelings is a great way to not only bond but also counter the two symptoms of the Oldest Child Syndrome.

Understanding that these kids are used to being the “second” authority figure or “teachers” is incredibly important in terms of knowing how to comprehend these children and speak to them.

Allowing their inner child to come out and feel special can ease the competitiveness and need for control.

Moreover, it is the parent’s responsibility to make sure that their child does not feel as if they have to take care of their siblings. It is normal to help out, of course, but they should not feel the pressure of looking after another child.

Ryan Kaczka

Board Member, ChoicePoint

The title of being the oldest child comes with its own pros and cons. The oldest child syndrome is real; one must be aware of its signs and how to deal with it.

Top three signs of oldest child syndrome:

They are dominating

The oldest child is the most dominating because they see themselves as better than their younger siblings.

The oldest child believes that their ideas and opinions matter the most and that they bring the most interesting ideas to the table. It is in their nature to boss around as they believe that they are second in command after their parents.

The oldest child likes to think of themselves as the teacher for the younger siblings also. They want to import the knowledge they gained from their parents to the younger siblings in their own words.

Not expressive enough

Despite being dominating, the oldest child will always be a little quiet and love to be left alone. Not because they don’t like their family but because they don’t want to express more than what is necessary.

Most parents don’t validate the emotions and feelings of the oldest child, thinking, “he is old enough to understand.”

This leads to the oldest child feeling like their words don’t matter. They would rather mind their own business than disturb anyone.

The need to make everyone happy

The oldest child always has this need to make everyone happy, even if that means compromising their own happiness. They cannot stand their parents feeling down and will do everything in their power to make them happy.

Dr. Rosmy Barrios

MD and Medical Advisor, Health Reporter

If they feel unhappy because they are imperfect

Being the first offspring of the parents, the eldest child receives many unrealistic expectations of what they should be, what they should achieve, how perfect they should be, and so on.

This kind of parenting usually puts a heavy burden on the child over time because they have to achieve a lot even if they don’t want to.

In fact, when the eldest child grows up, they may not even know what they really want from life because their dreams and goals have been determined by the expectation of their parents.

Such a pursuit of perfection causes a lot of pressure, so a person can feel increased anxiety or depression.

And since perfection does not exist, a person strives for the impossible and thus never reaches the goal, which makes them feel unhappy.

This can only be changed by realizing that living a life of “mediocrity,” setting realistic goals, and practicing gratitude is the only valid path to happiness, while striving for perfection is doomed.

If they show signs of narcissism

A person with the oldest child syndrome may show very strong signs of narcissism, such as dominance or excessively high self-esteem.

Eldest offspring usually assume the parental position when other children are born, as they are assigned to look after and care for them. This is not a bad thing until they feel a sense of power and become controlling.

Over time, this toxic dynamic between the children trains the eldest to seek dominance everywhere.

In the same way, being the oldest child, they’re the only ones who receive their parents’ attention, love, and high expectations for a certain period of time.

Such hype can lead to high self-confidence and sometimes even too much ego. The latter character traits are some of the signs of narcissism that may signal both disorders or one of them.

Only after finding out the true roots of these symptoms is it possible to consider ways of dealing with them.

Sameera Sullivan

Relationship Expert, Sameera Sullivan Matchmakers

Firstborns have a constant need to be perfect

They are more likely to be sticklers and have higher expectations. They can also be referred to as “achievers.” It is acceptable until they determine their cutoff points. While stressed, this disposition can ultimately lead to success in their lives.

The oldest child rarely jokes about most things and prefers to be separated from the others. This is the situation before their siblings arrive, incredibly not long after.

There isn’t a significant amount of resentment or discouragement. It’s just a part of their personality.

When their younger siblings arrive, firstborn children are pushed into administrative roles. They are driving and assisting their brothers/sisters to become an imbued proclivity that they carry forward even into their future.

It indicates the most well-known child disorder if they become overwhelmed instead of driving.

Michael Powers

Owner and CFO, Cash For Houses

Being born as the only child in a family, you did not need to share anything. All the toys belonged only to you. No hand-me-down clothing and all the love and affection of your parents were showered upon you. But then the siblings came along.

A lot of jokes are made about “middle child syndrome,” but is there even something such as “oldest child syndrome?” Yes, there is.

Oldest child syndrome is an involuntary consequence of a changed situation. What exactly defines it? Is it good or bad? And how can it be handled? As stated above, the oldest child syndrome can be defined as a change in daily circumstances.

The hierarchy at home has been amended. A child is forced to go from being the only one to having to share his whole livelihood with one or more siblings.

Resentment towards siblings

A child may start resenting their younger siblings since they now have to start sharing love, affection, and physical things around the house.

This may not cause major problems; only when it starts to affect the other children physically will it raise alarm bells.

They have a teacher mentality

Older children may want to act as a teacher/parent figure for their younger siblings. The situation may require intervention when younger siblings are forced to treat the older child as a co-parent.

They tend to want to be perfect in every aspect of their lives

Wanting to be a role model is commendable. Wanting to be the perfect, faultless role model, not so much. Older children tend to want to be perfect in every aspect of their lives. Wanting to lead by example.

Be careful that this perfectionism does not destroy your child. They have to learn how to deal with failure, or else it will affect them later on in life.

Related: Why Is Failure Important in Life? (30+ Reasons Why)

Bossiness and dominance

These two go hand in hand. Obviously, the eldest child has been in the loop longer than the others. Having been exposed to more things and having had more life experience.

Being domineering can be borderline worrisome. Take care to monitor the situation between the children and curb the instances of bossiness.

Harsher punishment

As first-time parents, adults try to do everything perfectly. They can opt to adhere to strict discipline regimens with the children.

This tends to fade a bit as more and more siblings get added to the mix. Parents become more lenient. What was once forbidden for one sibling to do, is now acceptable behavior for the rest. This can affect the older child.

The past cannot be undone, but care can just be taken to treat all children as equals in relation to the discipline side of things.

All the doom and gloom aside, there are actually ways to handle this type of situation. The following are good pointers:

• Quality time

Schedule weekly quality time with your eldest. Take time to delve a little into their world and figure out what makes them tick. Do not share this time with other siblings.

• Let them play

We tend to add more responsibility to older children. Try to focus a bit less on this area and allow them more freedom to play and just be children.

Do not drive them to adulthood; enjoy the time with them as kids.

• Extended Privileges

Being older has more responsibilities but also more privileges. Allow these to your oldest. Give them a bit more time before bedtime. Allow them a wider variety of movies to watch, extended playtime, etc. This will add a bit of “reward” to their newly defined “sibling” status.

Smriti Tuteja

Content Writer, Yogic Experience

Here are some signs in firstborns that point to oldest child syndrome:

The urge to dominate

Seeing a mewling and puking baby who cannot even move as they run around, firstborns often feel in charge of the situation and tend to lead their younger sibling.

Most younger siblings also imitate their older siblings; thus, a dominating trait may be cemented in the older child.

While it is good to guide and lead, trying to override the sibling and dominate their opinions can get toxic as they get older and is a part of older child syndrome.

Related: 50+ Signs of a Toxic Sibling (According to 10+ Experts)

Perfectionism

It is natural for parents to stress performance and applaud little victories.

However, as another child enters the mix, these little appreciations may make the older child feel that they are better. Thus, perfectionism goes a notch higher and becomes all about outperforming the sibling.

This leads to sibling rivalry, meltdowns upon losing a game, and sometimes aggression and mean behavior. This is a significant sign of older child syndrome.

Inability to accept failure

Academic pressure is often higher on older children because they are expected to be role models for their siblings. This often reinforces the compulsion for success and may lead to situations where failure can depress them. This can cause trouble as they grow older.

Apart from these, older children may become too controlling or may develop feelings similar to parental love. While these feelings may not necessarily be toxic, a lack of boundaries may cause issues later in life.

Here are some ways to avoid or deal with older child syndrome:

• Do not overburden them with expectations, and let them know that it’s okay to fail.
• Do not insist them to please people because they are older and you expect better from them.
• Do not urge them to take care of their sibling independently for long durations.
• Do not tell them that they have parental responsibilities toward their sibling.
• Spend some time alone with them so they do not need to compete for love.

While there is no manual to parenting, it is important for parents to spend adequate time with their firstborns. This will help to spot behavioral changes and red flags and address them in time.

Esther Yong

CEO, Homely Focus

Navigating being the “Experimental Child” and being expected to score full marks

I grew up being the oldest in a two-child family. In the 1980s, the world was developing at a fast rate. I grew up being experimented with in terms of education, diet, and parenting styles.

Although I did not have ample maturity (which a child does), high-performing outcomes were expected from a young age.

It left an imprint that caused me to shy away from growth opportunities that had a chance of failure. After all, it meant I would potentially expose my imperfection to the world and risk getting rejected.

How I am dealing with the hand, I’m dealt

1. I am participating in holistic activities that encourage a realistic perception of myself. Namely, having one failure in a public area does not mean I deserve to be publicly humiliated.
2. I now recognize the childhood I had was a slice of the entire human experience. I am consciously changing my valuing of my self-worth to be based on intrinsic value rather than gaining self-worth from what happened to me in childhood.
3. I become open to change by intentionally talking to others who come from different backgrounds and may see things very differently from me, the oldest child.

Frequently Asked Questions

Are there any long-term effects associated with oldest child syndrome?

Yes—long-term effects associated with this syndrome may include:

• Difficulty establishing relationships with peers.
• Problems in the workplace (e.g., lack of assertiveness).
•The development of mental health issues (e.g., depression).

It should be noted, however, that these effects are not necessarily permanent and can be reversed with treatment over time.

Can therapy be helpful for individuals struggling with oldest child syndrome?

Yes, therapy can be valuable for people struggling with oldest child syndrome. A therapist can help individuals better understand their personality traits, develop strategies for coping with stress and anxiety, and find ways to improve relationships with family members and others.

In addition, therapy can provide a safe and supportive environment in which individuals can work through negative feelings or experiences related to their birth order and family dynamics.

Can oldest child syndrome have an impact on career choices?

Yes, oldest child syndrome may influence career choice in several ways. For example, individuals who exhibit high levels of achievement orientation may be more likely to pursue careers that offer opportunities for advancement and recognition, such as business or medicine.

Additionally, individuals who exhibit strong leadership skills may also be drawn to careers in management or politics. However, it’s important to note that birth order is only one factor that can influence career choice and that many other factors, such as personal interests, values, and abilities, may play a larger role.

How can individuals with oldest child syndrome benefit from understanding their personality traits?

Understanding their personality traits can benefit people with oldest child syndrome in many ways. For example:

• They can develop greater self-awareness and gain insight into their motivations, strengths, and weaknesses.
• They can learn to manage the negative aspects of their personality traits, such as perfectionism and stress.
• They can develop strategies to build stronger relationships with family members, friends, and romantic partners.
• They can use their positive traits, such as leadership skills and achievement orientation, to their advantage in their personal and professional lives.

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8 Signs Of Oldest Child Syndrome And How To Deal With It

Pay attention to signs and help your child develop healthy relations with their siblings.

Image: iStock

Have you heard about the oldest child syndrome? According to Alfred Adler’s Birth Order Theory, one’s personality and who one becomes as an individual is influenced by the order they come in the family (1). Although the theory has been challenged repeatedly, a few characteristics stated for oldest, middle, and youngest children remain consistent, and oldest child syndrome is one characteristic that is usually spoken about.

The birth order, family’s situation, a combination of these, and other factors play a major role in shaping the child’s personality and its development. Read this post to understand about oldest child syndrome.

What Is Oldest Child Syndrome?

Image: Shutterstock

Have you noticed your oldest child getting unexpectedly competitive with their younger sibling or throwing a tantrum out of jealousy? Do they show dominance or boss around their younger siblings? These may be signs of oldest child syndrome in your firstborn.

With most firstborns across the world, the birth of their sibling brings a normal transition in their lives. From being the “only child” of their parents, they are now dethroned and have to share their parent’s love and attention with their younger siblings. This transition can be stressful and may cause a developmental crisis for many children (2). It could be the root cause of sibling rivalry, jealousy and a traumatic experience for the firstborns (1).

Though there are pros and cons of being the oldest child, certain behaviors and personality characteristics can give rise to the oldest child syndrome.

8 Characteristics Or Signs Of Oldest Child Syndrome

The oldest child in a family experiences some emotions. While some of these characteristics are good, a few characteristics may not be healthy for their personality.

1. They might want to lead and dominate

Image: Shutterstock

Firstborn children are thrust into a leadership position when their younger siblings arrive. Leading and helping their younger siblings and showing maturity become a part of their identity (3). But if they become dominating instead of leading, it becomes a sign of the oldest child syndrome.

Trivia

A study found that firstborns are more likely to become CEOs (7). Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos, and Richard Branson are a few exemplars.

2. They might have a constant urge to be perfect

A study conducted in 2008 states that the firstborns tend to be perfectionists and have higher standards (4). They can also be called ‘achievers.’ It is fine until they know their limits. If they become aggressive or depressed when they cannot achieve success or when their sibling wins, it becomes an unhealthy trait.

3. They might have the pressure of parent’s expectations

Due to their constant urge to be perfect and tendency to please their parents, older children have greater academic pressure than their younger siblings. Also, parents expect their oldest children to be a role model for their younger siblings in every aspect, including academics (5). The pressure from the parents and the need to excel and gain constant recognition could take them into a zone where they cannot accept failure, which could become problematic in their later years.

4. They may have high self-esteem

According to Adler’s theory and multiple studies in recent times, it has been found that older children tend to have higher self-esteem and confidence (6). It helps them in their academic performance and professionalism but may not be helpful in social life. High self-esteem could also lead to ego problems and resentment, and if they are not humble and do not have gratitude, others might not accept them.

Expert says

Kevin Leman, Ph.D., author of The Birth Order Book: Why You Are the Way You Are, says, “Since firstborns follow their parents’ lead, they like taking charge as they have no older siblings to rag them” (8).

Related: 7 Tips To Build Self-Esteem In Children & Activities To Do

5. They might develop an unhealthy competitive attitude

Image: IStock

When the sibling rivalry and jealousy on the sibling’s arrival is not handled properly by parents, the firstborn can hold it as a grudge against their parents or their younger sibling. This creates unhealthy competition between the siblings even after growing up—a sign of the oldest child syndrome.

6. They might become obsessive

The oldest child becomes a protector of the younger ones. It is a good quality until it turns extreme and they start to exercise authority over them.

If you find your child going overboard trying to make something perfect to the level of obsession, it is unhealthy for them and the younger siblings. Even the younger children may get used to the protection and become dependent, while the oldest ones could lose themselves to their siblings and become obsessive.

7. They may act as a second-parent to their siblings

When parents have their second child, they encourage their firstborns to care for their younger siblings. Often, this parenting strategy can give rise to a sibling bond where the firstborn becomes a second-parent figure to the younger sibling. Some oldest children may develop parental feelings and responsibility towards their younger siblings, evident in their personalities and behavior. It goes smooth until the attachment is within boundaries. Otherwise, it could be harmful to both. They might expect the younger sibling to start obeying them like they obey their parents.

8. They might become controlling

In their quest for perfection and achievements, first born children may develop a tendency to control everything around them, including their younger siblings. Their inherent tendency to lead and the power to act as a second-parent to their younger siblings can be the reason why some oldest children become overly controlling.

Quick fact

A study found that the oldest child prioritizes their family more than their siblings (9).

Related: 5 Ways To Handle your Out-Of-Control Teenager

How Can the Oldest Child Overcome This Syndrome?

Dr. Howard Pratt, DO, behavioral health medical director at Community Health of South Florida, Inc., says, “It’s important not to put a label on a child. If you are going to have a firstborn seen by a mental health professional, it’s important to go in without preconceptions that this child will have all of these symptoms just because they were born first.”

If you notice your oldest child demonstrating some characteristics of oldest child syndrome, here are some ways by which you can help them overcome.

1. Have moderate expectations from firstborn

Intentionally or unintentionally, the explosion of expectations from firstborns can put a huge amount of pressure on them. If your firstborn shows traits of being people-pleaser, they might also feel extremely bad or miserable when they fail.

Though this characteristic develops from a firstborn’s tendency for perfectionism, you must encourage and praise them even when they fail. Allow them to fail at times and teach them how to accept this failure gracefully.

2. Provide ample opportunities
   

   Image: Shutterstock

Most parents expect their first child to be more of a role model for their younger siblings, but little do they realize the number of responsibilities they are putting on them.

Do not overburden your firstborn with responsibilities, instead provide them ample opportunities to grow. At the same time, it is okay to encourage them to develop leadership skills, value independence, and teach them not to become too bossy or dominating.

3. Spend time with them alone

Irrespective of the number of children you have, make time for each child. The oldest children must be spoken to in a casual and friendly way. You can take an interest in their friends, school work, classmates, share memories of your childhood, and speak to them about their plans.

Doing so gives them a sense of confidence and trust and makes them realize that despite their younger siblings, their parents love them equally.

Related: 12 Fun Weekend Activities To Do With Your Family

4. Provide special privileges to them
   

   Image: Shutterstock

One of the many situations that the oldest children face is a more-focused upbringing because first-time parents put all their attention towards this child. This might make their upbringing tough after the arrival of their siblings. To balance this out, you must give your eldest child some special privileges, such as late bedtime, longer playtime after school, and having a say in a few discussions. Set some rules for all your children and give some special privileges to each of your children. This evens out any biases that your children might have in their minds.

1. How being the oldest child affects personality?

The oldest child in a family is usually under more pressure, making them more anxious and serious. Parents usually look up to them to take care of their younger siblings, making them more responsible. When the second child is born, parents’ attention shifts to them, making the oldest child independent.

Dr. Pratt observes, “Birth order is not a great determinant of personality. The family dynamics at the time of birth and after that are more likely to affect a child’s personality. The environment in which the child grows up allows them to develop and define their personality.”

2. Are oldest children more attractive?

The birth order may not determine the attractiveness of a child. However, the older child can be more serious and responsible. The younger children, on the other hand, tend to be carefree and more relaxed. Nonetheless, it cannot be generalized, and every child has unique personality traits.

3. Are there any gender differences in how the oldest child syndrome manifests?

No proven data shows unique gender differences in how the oldest child syndrome appears. However, there may be some gender differences in how it manifests based mainly on societal expectations and cultural norms, which can vary across different cultures and periods. For instance, the oldest daughters may be expected to assume caregiving roles like caring for younger siblings. In contrast, the oldest sons may be expected to take leadership roles in the family and be role models for younger siblings.

4. Is oldest child syndrome recognized by psychologists and other experts?

Oldest child syndrome is not a recognized diagnostic term in psychology. However, psychologists and other experts agree that birth order may impact personality traits and behaviors (4).

5. How does the oldest child syndrome affect romantic relationships and family dynamics?

Research indicates that individuals with the oldest child syndrome are more inclined to form close bonds with others who share their birth order. Additionally, firstborns tend to display a greater sense of responsibility, which is integral to a relationship. Furthermore, oldest children often develop nurturing qualities due to their role in caring for younger siblings. Therefore, they may exhibit caregiving behaviors and prioritize the needs of their partners. However, if the oldest child becomes overly focused on caretaking and neglects their own needs, it may also lead to potential imbalances in the relationship (10) (11).

Oldest child syndrome comprises the behavioral changes exhibited by your firstborn after the birth of their younger sibling. They may show dominating tendencies, develop an unhealthy competitive attitude, and become controlling. However, these changes in their behavior and emotions are natural and experienced by most older siblings. Try the tips mentioned here to help your child overcome their insecurities. Further, spend whatever spare time you have with them, and ensure you give them your undivided attention. If you feel you are unable to help your child, you could seek help from professionals.

Key Pointers

• Obsession, desire for perfection, high self-esteem, or pressure to meet parents’ expectations are common signs of oldest child syndrome.
• Children with oldest child syndrome could show dominance and act as second parents to siblings.
• You can help the child overcome it by not expecting much from them, paying special attention, and spending time with them.

If you have more than one child in your family you may wonder what an Old Child Syndrome is. Watch this informative video to learn about Oldest Child Syndrome and how it can affect your child’s behavior.

References:

MomJunction’s articles are written after analyzing the research works of expert authors and institutions. Our references consist of resources established by authorities in their respective fields. You can learn more about the authenticity of the information we present in our editorial policy.

1. 1. Julia Badger and Peter Reddy; The effects of birth order on personality traits and feelings of academic sibling rivalry.
      https://files.eric.ed.gov/fulltext/EJ860620.pdf
   2. Brenda L. Volling; Family Transitions Following the Birth of a Sibling: An Empirical Review of Changes in the Firstborn’s Adjustment.
      https://files.eric.ed.gov/fulltext/EJ860620.pdf
   3. Why firstborns are more likely to become leaders.
      https://www.weforum.org/agenda/2015/07/why-firstborns-are-more-likely-to-become-leaders/
   4. How Birth Order Impacts Personality.
      https://online.jwu.edu/blog/how-birth-order-impacts-your-personality
   5. Alissa Jo Combs-Draughn; The impact of psychological birth order on academic achievement and motivation.
      https://scholarworks.waldenu.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=3632&context=dissertations
   6. Dotto Nhandi; Siblings’ Birth Order Interaction and Self-esteem Development: Forgotten Social Setting for e-Health Delivery in Tanzania?
      https://www. ijern.com/journal/2017/January-2017/05.pdf
   7. CEOs More Likely to be Firstborn Children.
      https://www.nysscpa.org/article-content/ceos-more-likely-to-be-firstborn-children-081519#sthash.ckSTAAIP.dpbs
   8. Does Birth Order Affect Personality?
      https://www.parents.com/baby/development/sibling-issues/how-birth-order-shapes-personality/
   9. Michele Van Volkom et al.; Sibling Relationships Birth Order and Personality among Emerging Adults
      http://jpbsnet.com/journals/jpbs/Vol_5_No_2_December_2017/3.pdf
   10. Salmon Catherine; Birth Order and Relationships
       https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s12110-003-1017-x#
   11. Hartshorne, J. K., Salem-Hartshorne, N., & Hartshorne, T. S.; Birth order effects in the formation of long-term relationships
       https://www.researchgate.net/publication/221658654_Birth_order_effects_in_the_formation_of_long-term_relationships

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Older child syndrome

The second baby in the family is always new challenges not only for parents, but also for the older child. Sometimes this is manifested by open aggression, which frightens or annoys mom and dad. However, often jealousy is not expressed so clearly. Often these are hidden manifestations.

Children can keep emotions inside themselves, trying to “digest” everything on their own. Outwardly, they follow all the instructions of their parents, play with the baby and try to take care of him. However, the following signs of trouble may occur:

• The child stops going to the potty or begins to urinate in his sleep, although this was not a problem before.
• The child peels off the skin from the lips, bites his nails, scratches his own skin, bites his cheek from the inside, itches for no apparent reason.
• Groundless whims and hysterics appear.
• Sleep is disturbed, the child complains of nightmares, wakes up screaming or crying in the middle of the night.
• Obsessive movements (tics) or stuttering appear.
• The older child self-isolates, avoids physical contact, plays all the time by himself.

It is important to understand that children are not supposed to love each other. For example, imagine how a husband brings another wife into the house and wants the first one to take care of her in every possible way.

Child psychologists advise accepting the feelings of an older child as they are – this is his right to be jealous, offended and not wanting to share attention. Do not be scolded for every misconduct. It is necessary to treat the child with understanding and sympathy, to pronounce every emotion. In addition, it is still necessary to build rules of conduct that exclude physical violence against the youngest.

To avoid trouble when a second baby appears at home, it is recommended that the older child be prepared for the appearance of a brother or sister. To do this, you can often view his own childhood photos, watch themed cartoons, read relevant books.

Be sure to pay attention to the older child while the younger one is sleeping. Each of them should spend time alone with their parents and feel equal in the family.

Children should not be left alone until the youngest reaches 2-3 years. Parents are responsible for their safety during this period.

Also, relatives should not be allowed to devalue the emotions of any of the children, compare them and impose any stereotypes of behavior.

The main thing is to reduce the overall level of anxiety in the family. To do this, relax together more often, play, walk and be happy.

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Sharing responsibility for nutritionSee all articles in what order he was born. And no matter how parents claim that they are equally fair to all their heirs, the attitude towards the eldest son differs from the attitude towards the youngest daughter. This is also confirmed by psychologists.

“There are indeed personality differences between brothers and sisters. The child’s behavior is explained by a certain role in the family, which parents, without realizing it, actively support, “Frank Sulloway, Ph.D. and author of Born to Rebel, says.

Do you want to know how the older child differs from the middle and younger?

First-born

This child receives all the attention of parents, grandparents and other relatives, bathed in love and care until his privileged position is violated by the appearance of a brother or sister. Which, of course, will affect his behavior.

“Because they look up to their parents, firstborns are responsible and confident,” says Kevin Lehman, Ph.D., author of Why You Are The Way You Are. “He doesn’t have an older brother or sister to tease him when the kid is learning to do something (tie his shoelaces, ride a bike).”

Parents who are not yet experienced in matters of upbringing, literally every movement of the baby is new to them, they are happy to watch how he grows and develops, rejoice in his success. At the same time, many mothers and fathers treat their first child strictly, in an adult way, so as not to spoil him. All this contributes to the fact that the child grows serious, independent, diligent.

It is easy for ambitious firstborns to become perfectionists. They learn from their parents and try to do everything just as well. They do not like to make mistakes, it is easier for them to refuse to complete the task than to do it wrong.

The other side of the perfectionist’s “medal” is that it is difficult for them to admit their mistakes or wrong. Often older children are too fixated on themselves. Parents who are inexperienced in upbringing can show excessive care, exactingness, and strictness towards their first child, and this contributes to the development of the “older child syndrome” in him. Since childhood, he has been trying to become better, to meet expectations to the detriment of his interests.

How to raise an older child

• Don’t demand achievement lower your expectations. Parents tend to view the firstborn as an example for younger siblings. But the older child may be weighed down by this “status” and the burden of responsibility. Avoid categorical orders and the use of the word “must”. These children are overreacting to criticism, afraid of making mistakes, and experiencing stress from failing to complete a task.

• Give privileges . If you assign additional responsibilities to an older child, then give him some indulgences, for example, go to bed later.

• Extenuate liability. The older one can help mommy take care of the baby, bring him a toy or give him a diaper, but don’t expect him to turn into a babysitter for his younger brother or sister.

Middle child

These children are very different from older siblings. But characterizing the middle child is the hardest thing to do. On the one hand, he looks at the behavior of his older brother (sister), the leader, on the other hand, there are children in the family even younger than him. And in relation to them, he fulfills the role of the eldest child. The intermediate position makes him “invisible”, he has to assert himself and compete with his brothers and sisters for the attention of his parents.

In the opinion of the middle child, the elders reap all the privileges, while the youngest get away with everything. Therefore, the average has to rely on itself. “These kids are good at negotiating and finding a way out of any situation,” says Dr. Sulloway. “They are pleasant, diplomatic, compromise when necessary, and can handle disappointment. They have realistic expectations, are the least spoiled, and tend to be the most independent. In the family, they feel deprived of attention, so they are looking for communication in companies and with friends.

How to raise an average child

• Praise more often. Thank them when they help look after the youngest child or intervene to resolve a dispute between siblings.

• Take an interest in his affairs and the affairs of his friends, encourage the child’s friendship with peers.

• Make time for him. Middle children always have to share parental attention with other siblings. Therefore, make it so that you can spend time only with him, so that he feels loved and meaningful to you.

Younger child

Experienced parents with a younger child tend to relax, stop worrying and let things take their course. As a result, younger children usually get away with more than their older siblings. The younger ones are in no hurry to take responsibility, because there is someone in the family to do this, and they grow up as carefree, flexible, affectionate, sociable and cheerful children, they love to make people laugh.

Rebelliousness can manifest itself in the case when the younger will need to prove that they also have the right to their opinion. Competing with older brothers or sisters for the status of an adult and responsible, they can show character in the spirit of “I’ll show them again!”. If the elders follow the lead of the younger, he can grow up spoiled and manipulative.