How to Resolve Conflicts with a Best Friend – Book of Us

Even with your closest friendships, you will likely encounter a time when you need to resolve conflicts with a best friend. Fighting with friends is never easy. But dealing with conflict can make you and your BFF better as individuals and as friends. Conflicts can strengthen a relationship, improving your communication and emotional bond once you have resolved it. Whether you are experiencing conflict now or want tips for the future, it’s always helpful to learn friendship conflict resolution.

Address the conflict soon—don’t wait!

If you wait to address the conflict with your best friend, bad feelings and negative thoughts can fester and grow. Like popcorn in the microwave, you let things stay heated too long and it burns up—ruining what you had. Try waiting 24 hours for the dust to settle and then talk to your friend.

Communicate from both points of view.

Try to see both sides. Your perspective is your reality. Your friend’s perspective is their reality. Both perspectives are valid. When you talk to your friend, keep an open mind and an empathetic point of view. See the situation from their side. Avoid statements that begin with “You did” or “You said.” Communicate with “feelings statements” such as “I feel…” regarding the conflict and ask your friend how they feel. Make sure you are focused on the current conflict. Bringing up past conflicts or feelings will only make the situation worse. Stay in the moment and be in the here and now.

Convey your honest feelings and be vulnerable.

Tell your friend honestly how you feel. Even if you aren’t sure you are the one to blame for initiating the conflict, apologize. It’s important to acknowledge that you are sorry for the fight and sorry for your part in it. Take responsibility so you can both move forward. Be courageous by showing your vulnerability. When your best friend hears your honest, genuine feelings, it’s likely he or she will reciprocate positively.

Suggest solutions for moving forward and be a sensitive listener.

Problem-solve this friend conflict by suggesting ways you can come together again. This may involve making personal sacrifices or compromises. Sometimes you can’t both get everything you want. Try to be solution-minded and propose ways you can come together. But along with offering solutions, be a sensitive listen and let your friend speak. Maybe they have ideas for resolving the conflict, allowing you to form a solution together.

Move on from the past.

Once your conflict is resolved, move forward with your best friend and don’t keep thinking about the past. The more you work out these conflicts, the more you will learn and grow together. Mending this rift means you will have the skill set to handle conflicts even better in the future. Healthy relationships take work. But love for your BFF makes it all worth it!

Dedicate time reminiscing about your favorite friendship memories.

Recall your favorite friend moments together and remember why you became friends in the first place. Sometimes recalling these memories can help you focus on the positive aspects of your relationship. Laugh and have fun together! Open up a photo book, or a personalized friend book such as the Book of Us™. A personalized book of photos and loving messages can rekindle the fun and laughter in your friendship.

Resolving conflict with a best friend can be painful, but it’s also necessary in order to move forward and deepen your relationship. Try these tips the next time you have a scuffle with your BFF. Your loving friendships are worth fighting for!  

Tags: Book of Us, conflict resolution, fighting with friend, friend argument, friend communication, friend conflict, friend fight, friendship conflict, how to resolve conflict with a best friend, personalized best friend book, personalized friend book, problem solving ideas, resolve conflict

The Do’s and Don’ts of Handling Conflict With a Friend

Friendship

June 15, 2020

• Copy By:
  Shriya Khanna
• Feature Image By:
  Girlfriend Collective | @girlfriend

When it comes to tension or strife in romantic relationships, we have a world of examples and advice at our disposal—heartfelt movies, artistic poems, gut-wrenching novels, insightful advice columns, and *millions* of songs. But when it comes to the problems of the female friendship variety, we’re mostly just exposed to melodramatic reality TV à la the Real Housewives. 

It’s tough to figure out how to navigate conflict with friends at this time in our lives when we don’t have a lot of guidance given to us the way it’s given to those struggling with romance. Pop culture and social media also often sensationalize female friendships and make us feel lousy when we see issues in our own, but never in others’. No friendship is going to eternally be that perfect moment of Carrie, Miranda, Samantha, and Charlotte blissfully strutting arm in arm in slow motion—because, like romantic relationships (shout it out with me), friendships can be complicated too.

From passive-aggressive tweet wars in high school (very on-brand for 2010) to dramatic roommate blunders in college to misunderstandings and deep questioning of values in adulthood, I’ve had my fair share of troubles with friends over the years. And that has definitely taught me lessons about healthy communication that doesn’t have to end in tears for both parties involved. To help you figure out how best to deal with these sorts of hurdles, we spoke to the experts to gain more insight on the do’s and don’ts of handling conflict with a close friend. With these in mind, you can come one step closer to understanding—and if need be, closure.

DO: Choose the right moment to reach out

When you want to address an issue, it’s never fair to spring it onto anyone. Even if your intentions are positive, addressing a conflict out of the blue without context will only blindside them and make this process way harder than it needs to be. You also want to make sure you don’t have this conversation when either of you are under a considerable amount of stress. 

So how do you choose your moment? Dr. Jaime Zuckerman, a licensed clinical psychologist, offered this simple tip: “If something comes up for you in your mind more than three times a day, it’s worth exploring. Otherwise it will fester, leading to passive aggressive behaviors in the relationship.”

When you’re ready, shoot your friend a brief text letting them know that you want to take a few minutes to chat about something that’s been on your mind. If they express discomfort or hesitation, ask them how much time they need, and to let you know when they’re ready to talk.

It’s important to respect their decision, since other factors might be contributing to their current situation too. “It may be that they are avoiding the conversation because they have significant anxiety surrounding confrontation—not because they don’t care,” Zuckerman noted.

DO: Know the best way to engage in conversation

So you’ve both decided on when you want to talk. Now it’s important to consider the best way. Everyone’s different—some prefer written words, some like to to hear your voice, and some want to be able to see your face. However, when dealing with more pressing issues, be sure to consider the pros/cons of these methods.

While you might be an avid texter, tone of voice and body language can sometimes get lost when trying to convey your thoughts in this form. Alternatively, meeting in person might become awkward if you end up having a loud exchange in front of others. Ultimately, employ the method that makes you feel most at ease, so that the conversation can flow smoothly without distractions. If you do decide to go the text or email route, these are Zuckerman’s tips for messaging etiquette: 

• Keep the tone and language neutral.
• Avoid all caps and heavy punctuation. 
• Break up any heavy chunks of text that can appear daunting to the viewer.
• Alternate who responds—be patient and wait for their responses before you send another message. 
• Respond in a timely fashion. If you leave them hanging, it’ll just lead to anxiety and pent up anger. 

DON’T: Gear up for battle

Going into this, you might be thinking of it as a confrontation. Nicole Sbordone, LCSW, noted that the word “confrontation” has a negative connotation in and of itself. She encouraged us to “communicate by being assertive and bringing up topics that yes, may lead to confrontation, but ultimately will help to improve the friendship.”

Approach this with an end-goal in mind. If that goal is to keep this friend in your life, it’s worth salvaging the friendship through healthy, level-headed communication.

DO: Plan out what you want to say 

There’s nothing worse than hitting that “send” button too early, or letting something slip that you didn’t let your mind process first. Jessie Bohnenkamp, a licensed professional counselor specializing in female anxiety and relationships, advised that to stay as sensible and on-topic as you can, always plan ahead.

“Write out your complaints, and take time to articulate what you really need to communicate before you bring up the issue with your friend,” Bohnenkamp explained. “Think about what their responses might be, and what you’ll say, so that you’re prepared and less likely to get flustered and say something you don’t intend. ”

DON’T: Attack their character or make accusatory comments

Though the situation might be pretty serious, it’s really important that you don’t go into this armed with insults and a laundry list of ways they’ve wronged you. Maintain your respect and understanding for the other person by avoiding any negative language or placing blame. You don’t want your friend to get defensive and worked up in response. 

Bohnenkamp suggested sticking to making statements about how their specific behavior has made you feel, rather than criticizing their character or personality. She added that using phrases like, “It hurt my feelings when you canceled on me last minute,” rather than ones like, “You’re such a flake. I can never count on you,” can help express your side of things while still appearing considerate.

Zuckerman recommended to minimize using the words “you” and “your” (since these can make your friend feel ganged up on), and to substitute “but” with “and” (as it avoids negating what was said previously). For example, instead of saying “I care about you, but I am hurt by what you did,” you could say “I care about you and I am hurt by what you did.” 

DO: Stand by your feelings, but keep an open mind

Ultimately, you’re both trying to get your viewpoints across to each other to try and come to an agreement. But there will likely be things you still can’t see eye-to-eye on. You can acknowledge their side of things and say that you hear what they’re saying, and it’s OK if both of you disagree with each other, Sbordone said. It’s all about how you move on from that disagreement.

Keep reminding yourself about the end-goal of this conversation and what your original motivation was, and use those to guide you through it in the most objective way you can. Zuckerman recommended adding in the phrase, “I’m sure you can understand,” after any expression of your concern, as this often limits an angry or passive-aggressive response (and helps them think objectively too).

If they make a point that ends up resonating with you, let yourself take it in—you won’t lose any power in gaining perspective.

DON’T: Lose your cool 

Emotions will heighten on both sides at some point, and that is completely normal. It’s OK to have strong feelings about something you’ve said or heard—you’re human, and you have every right to feel the way you do—but be mindful when acting on them. 

For your own intense emotions, Zuckerman advised acknowledging them, sitting with them, and not immediately acting on them in an attempt to get rid of them. She added that you shouldn’t feel trapped in the discussion or hesitate to take the time you need to collect yourself to maintain a healthy and rational dialogue.

Now, if you notice their emotions getting the better of them, don’t try to match their level. “If they raise their voice, don’t raise your voice in response,” Zuckerman said. “If they start fighting dirty, don’t one-up them. This will ensure the demise of the communication. Rather, remain neutral and consistent in emotion (even if you are raging inside), regardless of how high or low they go.”

DO: Accept that your friendship

might have hit its expiration date

So you’ve both said what you’ve wanted to say. You may have gone into this hoping to have things go back to the way they were (which could totally happen!), but that may no longer look like a possibility for you in this case. When trying to figure out where to go from here, “I think it’ll be known for both of you fairly soon if it’s not beneficial to continue the friendship,” Sbordone said. “You could agree on taking some space for a while and then coming back to re-evaluate.”

If you’ve taken that space and decided that it is best for both of you to ultimately part ways, know that it doesn’t have to equate to unresolved tension, Zuckerman noted. If possible, make it amicable and agree to disagree. Let them know you still care about them and wish them well.

You can finally walk away from this knowing you did everything you could to salvage this friendship—which in and of itself is something to be really proud of.

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Conflicts with friends – how to save friendship

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Alas, unlike the characters of comedy series, who each time manage to resolve all conflicts with friends with the help of ingenuity and wit by the end of 30 -minute series, we do not always manage to get around all the problems in friendly relations with such grace.

In reality, our opinions , observations and actions are different. This means that if we are friends with a person long enough, conflicts are inevitable.

At the moment when growing tension breaks out to the surface, we often panic, not knowing how to react: ignore the problem, hoping that it will eventually disappear by itself? try to discuss everything? wait and see what happens?

When we push a friend away, we often sacrifice emotional intimacy and eventually risk losing the friendship altogether

Those who tend to avoid conflict instinctively try to stay away from friends after a fight. At first, this may seem like a reasonable decision, because the distance will save us from stress or unnecessary clarification of the relationship. However, by pushing a friend away, we often sacrifice emotional intimacy and, over time, risk losing the friendship altogether. Not to mention, the accumulation of stress and anxiety is bad for our health.

Fortunately, there are ways to resolve conflicts without losing friends. Here are a few of them.

1. Discuss the situation as soon as the moment is right

At the very beginning of the conflict, when emotions are running high, it is wise to take a short break in communication. It is likely that at this moment neither you nor your friend are ready to listen and accept each other’s points of view. But this pause should not be too long.

Call or text message within 24 hours of conflict and express your regrets in simple terms you are sorry and what you would like: “I am sorry about what happened and I want to fix everything”, “Our friendship is important to me”, “Let’s discuss everything as soon as possible”.

2. It is not necessary to discuss and solve all problems at once

Sometimes it seems to us that the whole future of our friendly relations depends entirely on one very serious and difficult conversation. But, just as friendship itself develops gradually, so the complete solution of problems takes time. Sometimes it’s worth briefly discussing the problem, taking time to think about it and returning to this conversation later. Solving problems gradually is normal.

3. Show empathy for your friend’s feelings

Even when we disagree with our friends’ observations or conclusions, we can try to understand their feelings and experiences. We can track their body language during a conversation, pay attention to their tone of voice and facial expressions. Try to respond to any signs of pain, discomfort, or anger (“I understand that you are upset, and I am very sorry that you feel bad about it”).

4. Know how to listen

Listen to everything your friend has to say to you without stopping or interrupting him. If something in his words causes you strong emotions, try to restrain them until you fully understand everything that your friend wants to express to you. If something is not clear, ask again. Try to find out what your friend hopes to get out of this conversation or what he needs to feel better about himself.

5. Speak clearly and concisely

After you have listened to everything that you wanted to say without interrupting, it will be your turn to share your feelings and thoughts. Try to express your thought as clearly and frankly as possible, but without hurting the feelings of a friend.

Talk about your feelings and experiences, do not throw accusations. Avoid phrases like “You always do this.”

Talk about your feelings and experiences first, rather than making accusations. Avoid phrases like “You always do this” or “You never do this”, they will only exacerbate the problem and interfere with conflict resolution.

6. Try to accept a different point of view

We do not always agree with the opinions of friends, but we must be able to recognize their right to this different opinion from ours. We must respect the views of friends and their right to disagree with us. Even if we do not agree with everything our friend says, there may be something in his words that we are ready to agree with.

Finally, when the immediate conflict has been as exhausted as possible at the moment, allow time for the relationship to fully recover. Keep doing what you love to do together. Positive emotions from friendly communication over time will help smooth out the remaining tension.

About the Expert

Sarah Raymond Cunningham is a life coach, author of 5 books, a regular contributor to the Huffington Post, and a mother of two. Her website is sarahcunningham.org

Text: Nikolai Protsenko

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When conflicts with friends are beneficial

Have you become friends with someone on social networks or sent a couple of friends to a ban due to political differences? Such an act is not uncommon today. Silencing someone on the Internet whose views we find offensive or unpleasant can be done with the click of a button. What about offline friendship? How do you deal with conflict in real relationships?

Over the years, I have observed how the presence or absence of stable friendships has a direct impact on personal well-being. Friendships, from first crushes in kindergarten to sleepovers in high school, are the cornerstone of the human experience. But sometimes disputes and disagreements lead to a break with those people on whom we counted the most. As someone who has always tried to avoid confrontation, I have come to appreciate the process of resolving conflict in a relationship.

Violent political events can divide people especially strongly. Many of us break off relationships with those friends and even close friends whose views contradict their own. Instead of listening and trying to perceive the other person’s point of view, they cut off communication and become even more rooted in their own views and beliefs.

We tend to surround ourselves with people who support our position. But it is important to understand a simple thing: to notice and take into account someone else’s point of view does not mean accepting it as the truth. We only recognize this person as a unique individual whose life experience and value system have formed a worldview that is different from ours. Sometimes the differences of opinion are greater than we can bear. But quite often other people’s views challenge our thinking. And as a result, one’s own point of view is changed or enriched. This can strengthen friendships.

While the number of single people around the world is on the rise, it would be wise to take an inventory of personal connections. As you do this, you are likely to find that ideas about what is good for friendship and what is bad make it difficult to build meaningful relationships. I will say for sure: too strong negative feelings in friendship are toxic and destructive.

When you notice these harmful dynamics, make the necessary adjustments, even if it means cutting off communication. But try not to be fooled: while conflicting relationships can be unhealthy, conflict itself is not dangerous. In fact, a relationship that allows for different opinions and points of view creates the basis for a strong and lasting friendship. The main thing is to identify the cause and essence of the conflict and analyze its role.

There are five valuable features of fighting with friends that can strengthen friendships and promote personal growth.

Conflicts with friends…

…challenge long held beliefs

Just because you believe something doesn’t mean it’s true. Many beliefs are formed in childhood. Often, as adults, we automatically include them in our system of ideas without reassessing them. When a friend unexpectedly challenges the truth on which we have relied all our lives, we may feel hurt and even offended. But if we cope with the discomfort so much that we are able to hear and accept this challenge, we will get a new, very valuable experience.

…develop problem solving skills

This is a very important life skill. At my daughters’ school, “peace talks” are being held between students whose relationships are at an impasse. The ability to resolve conflict situations will definitely make their future life easier, help them cope with difficult situations at home, at work and in personal relationships.

… they make you face the shortcomings of your own thinking

As well as limitations, delusions. Sometimes we may actually hold a point of view or belief that is based on inaccurate facts. And then an external observer can point out to us these pitfalls and errors of thinking. A good friend will do this in a respectful way, caring about our emotions. Its purpose is to clarify misconceptions, not to shame or devalue our experience.

…allows us to be honest in intimate relationships

True friendship involves total trust, a bond in which we are allowed to be ourselves—authentic and whole. In such a relationship, everyone can express what they think is right, and feel at the same time in a safe space. If you or a friend disagrees, you can always express your opinion respectfully and tactfully.

… help develop empathy

Close contact with a person who is not like us requires the skill of empathy. Empathy is the experience of empathizing with the thoughts, ideas, and/or feelings of others.