Conflicts in friendships: How to Resolve Conflicts with a Best Friend – Book of Us

09.08.202306.07.2023 by alexxlab

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How to Resolve Conflicts with a Best Friend – Book of Us

Even with your closest friendships, you will likely encounter a time when you need to resolve conflicts with a best friend. Fighting with friends is never easy. But dealing with conflict can make you and your BFF better as individuals and as friends. Conflicts can strengthen a relationship, improving your communication and emotional bond once you have resolved it. Whether you are experiencing conflict now or want tips for the future, it’s always helpful to learn friendship conflict resolution.

Address the conflict soon—don’t wait!

If you wait to address the conflict with your best friend, bad feelings and negative thoughts can fester and grow. Like popcorn in the microwave, you let things stay heated too long and it burns up—ruining what you had. Try waiting 24 hours for the dust to settle and then talk to your friend.

Communicate from both points of view.

Try to see both sides. Your perspective is your reality. Your friend’s perspective is their reality. Both perspectives are valid. When you talk to your friend, keep an open mind and an empathetic point of view. See the situation from their side. Avoid statements that begin with “You did” or “You said.” Communicate with “feelings statements” such as “I feel…” regarding the conflict and ask your friend how they feel. Make sure you are focused on the current conflict. Bringing up past conflicts or feelings will only make the situation worse. Stay in the moment and be in the here and now.

Convey your honest feelings and be vulnerable.

Tell your friend honestly how you feel. Even if you aren’t sure you are the one to blame for initiating the conflict, apologize. It’s important to acknowledge that you are sorry for the fight and sorry for your part in it. Take responsibility so you can both move forward. Be courageous by showing your vulnerability. When your best friend hears your honest, genuine feelings, it’s likely he or she will reciprocate positively.

Suggest solutions for moving forward and be a sensitive listener.

Problem-solve this friend conflict by suggesting ways you can come together again. This may involve making personal sacrifices or compromises. Sometimes you can’t both get everything you want. Try to be solution-minded and propose ways you can come together. But along with offering solutions, be a sensitive listen and let your friend speak. Maybe they have ideas for resolving the conflict, allowing you to form a solution together.

Move on from the past.

Once your conflict is resolved, move forward with your best friend and don’t keep thinking about the past. The more you work out these conflicts, the more you will learn and grow together. Mending this rift means you will have the skill set to handle conflicts even better in the future. Healthy relationships take work. But love for your BFF makes it all worth it!

Dedicate time reminiscing about your favorite friendship memories.

Recall your favorite friend moments together and remember why you became friends in the first place. Sometimes recalling these memories can help you focus on the positive aspects of your relationship. Laugh and have fun together! Open up a photo book, or a personalized friend book such as the Book of Us™. A personalized book of photos and loving messages can rekindle the fun and laughter in your friendship.

Resolving conflict with a best friend can be painful, but it’s also necessary in order to move forward and deepen your relationship. Try these tips the next time you have a scuffle with your BFF. Your loving friendships are worth fighting for!

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How to Address and Respond to Conflict

Friendships are love stories too. In the Shondaland series The Art of Friendship, we explore and appreciate the beauty and complexities of friendship, as well as what makes it so powerful. From expert tips on how to navigate conflicts and deepen your friendships to uplifting stories of reconnections and advice on making new friends, these stories are reminders of the joy, value, and meaning that companionship brings to our lives.

Taylor Lamb is friends with five women who have known one another for the better part of the last seven years. Following their college years at the University of Virginia, the group became more intentional about maintaining their bond when proximity no longer bound them together. They revved up a group chat, held virtual hangouts around the holidays, and committed to always celebrating birthdays in person — even if it meant jumping on a train or a plane.

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Before the exchange concluded, they each took turns expressing what makes them feel cared for, sharing their love language and coming up with specific communication guidelines to use moving forward. It dawned on Lamb that these women didn’t only want to be in one another’s lives for the good times, but that they cared about and valued one another enough to stick it out through the hard ones too. “I feel really happy that we’re all committed to our friendship in this way,” she says. “I feel closer to them.”

There’s a glaring absence of dialogue today on how to work through conflict with friends. The popular belief that a friendship shouldn’t make you uncomfortable and that you should cut someone off at the first sign of tension or disappointment has seeped into the collective consciousness, but relationship experts agree: That’s not real friendship.

“We tend to put friendship in this box as this trivial, second-class relationship,” says Marisa G. Franco, a psychologist and author of Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make — and Keep — Friends. “In doing so, we say things like ‘Friendship should be good vibes only’ or ‘It should be all positive.’ Some of these narratives really don’t leave space for things to go wrong and for conflict to happen, so when it does, we think, ‘Oh, maybe this is a sign the friendship should end,’ rather than it just [being] part of intimacy.”

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Conflict is not an automatic sign that a friendship will end; addressing it can be a signal that both parties are committed to the relationship. Many people talk themselves out of bringing up an issue because they don’t want to seem as if they’re the problem, but withholding discomfort can manifest itself in another way, whether through withdrawal or resentment. “Think of it as something that will help not hurt,” says female friendship coach and educator Danielle Bayard Jackson.

Why should you address conflict with friends?

Honing your ability to work through conflict in a long-term platonic relationship is no different than learning to do so in a committed romantic partnership. Many withhold their feelings out of the fear that they will be perceived as dramatic or difficult or that it will tear the friendship apart, but with a real friend, that’s not the case. A 2012 paper found that open, non-blaming conversations lead to deeper intimacy between people, as opposed to not having those conversations at all.

Psychoanalyst Virginia Goldner came up with a concept for the illusion of closeness without conflict: flaccid safety versus dynamic safety. Flaccid safety is the sense of stability within a relationship when we pretend that nothing is bothering us. Dynamic safety is a more robust, deeper level of intimacy that is achieved when there’s rupture and repair, or in Goldner’s words, a cycle of “risk-taking and resolution” or “separation and reunion.” There is trust in the knowledge that issues will less easily come between friends and authentic comfort in the shared history that you are willing to work through hard emotions together.

“That closeness that you want with the friend where you feel like you can be yourself and you can say anything that we all dreamily speak of — to achieve that, sometimes you have to go through the awkwardness of bringing up something that makes you feel uncomfortable,” says Jackson. “It gives her a chance to demonstrate: I love you. I care about you. I hear you. We might get into it. We might disagree. All those things. But once we work it out, I’m going to feel more connected to you than I did before. That is not possible without having a difficult moment.”

When the challenge arises, don’t run from the chance to deepen your bond. Here’s how to address conflict with a friend, whether you’re bringing up the issue or responding to your loved one’s concern.

How to Address Conflict

Examine the problem

Coping with conflict is the goal, but that doesn’t mean you have to confront your friend every single time they do something that bothers or annoys you. A helpful way to assess if it’s worth going to them about it is if it is a recurring issue or a situation that has continued to affect how you perceive your friend and how you show up in your friendship.

“Anger is a signal that there might be some conflict to address, because anger tends to be a signal that there’s an injustice that’s happening,” Franco says. While this is true, Franco notes that we can acknowledge our anger without it being the emotion that guides the conversation.

Assess the relationship

Your level of closeness to the person is a factor worth considering when deciding whether to bring up an issue with your friend. Franco suggests, “If it’s not a friend that you’re particularly close to or if it’s a newer friend and you already find yourself getting into conflict, ask yourself: Is this a sign that this is maybe not a good friendship for me?”

Franco adds, “Generally, I say that if it’s a friend you’ve had for a long time, and you have each other’s best interests at heart, it’s always worth it to address it.” Conflict isn’t automatically an indicator of incompatibility; it may simply be the sign of differing preferences that can be bridged with communication.

It’s important to gauge the level of friendship before wading into conflict resolution.

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Define timing

As the saying goes — timing is everything. “Ask yourself, ‘If this goes wrong, do I really have the capacity to tolerate that?’ You will hopefully say yes to that question,” Franco says. Emotional regulation is key to an effective conversation, and we are better at regulating our emotions when we’ve slept well, exercised, meditated, and are in a physically good space in addition to our mental one.

While you shouldn’t continually use personal struggles as an excuse to keep putting off the discussion, it is important to consider if you have the immediate capacity for it. Carve out an entire afternoon — or day, if you need it — so that you aren’t rushing through your chat and have time to process any emotions you may feel afterward.

Carve out time to have a meaningful conversation.

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Provide a warning

When it comes to conflict resolution, don’t surprise your friend with the topic. If you’ve given yourself a chance to prepare for the conversation, you should also extend the same courtesy to your friend. “If their pet just died or they’re going through a breakup,” Franco says, “they might just not have the capacity to do conflict well.”

Consider if they are in a space where they can actually receive and process your feelings. If not, it’s likely that they will go into fight-or-flight mode, and the discussion could be doomed from the start. While it’s important to be thoughtful, don’t make assumptions about whether your friend is in a good or bad space. Trust in their ability to decide for themselves, and ask gently ahead of time.

“I like to text an introduction to the conflict,” Franco says. You don’t have to be specific, but you can let them know that you have something on your mind you want to work through together and ask if they’d be up for talking about it.

Lean into vulnerability

If you feel nervous about bringing your feelings up, that may be a signal that it’s worth sharing. You don’t have to wait until you’re feeling confident about it; use those authentic feelings as leverage.

Jackson encourages resolution-seekers to acknowledge their messy emotions rather than shy away from them. “A lot of us feel anxious or vulnerable bringing it up,” she says, “but it can actually work in our favor.” Start the conversation by being honest about your nerves. (Jackson provides a few scripts: “I’m hesitant to bring this up because the last thing I want is for it to be awkward” or “I’m nervous, but I want to be open with you, and I hope you’d do the same for me.”)

If a friend sees that you have been thoughtful and considerate, it may ease their nerves as well and expand their ability to receive your emotions. “Being that transparent about your internal dilemma sometimes works for you,” Jackson notes, “in bringing down their walls.”

Being vulnerable can help lead to resolution.

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Use inviting language

When it comes to conflict, how you start the conversation influences the mood, tone, and direction of the talk more than you know. Franco calls this framing, or using verbiage that welcomes your friend in rather than alienates them. She gives an example of a positive framing script: “Hey, our friendship is really important to me, so I want to make sure we talk through things so that they don’t get between us. I was wondering if we can talk about something that’s been on my mind.”

It’s a warm way to remind your friend — and yourself — that you’re on the same team, not opposing sides. “You’re telling them how to interpret this,” Franco says. “That this is an act of love and a sign of your investment in the friendship, so the framing line is really important.”

Speak to your reality, not theirs

Addressing conflict isn’t about right or wrong; it’s about coming to a sense of mutual understanding. When sharing your dilemma, keep the focus of your words on you and how you feel by using “I” statements. Start by expressing how it made you feel when your friend did what they did. Don’t blame them, project assumptions onto them, or attack their character or ability to be a friend overall.

Think of it as a moment to share how it made you feel. Remember: Feelings are information, not fact. You have every right to feel let down that a friend bailed on you at the last minute, for example, but it doesn’t mean that your friend plotted to let you down.

Ask about their experience

After sharing your hurt, put on your listening ears, and listen to where your friend was coming from. Franco recommends asking about what was going on for them at that time, and what might have gotten in the way for them. “What you’re trying to do in a larger way is to embrace something called mutuality, which means you’re considering their experience and your experience at the same time instead of only thinking about yourself or thinking about them.” Franco says true mutuality is not about right or wrong but about finding balance and understanding. You don’t need to kowtow to their reasoning, but you should hear them out.

How to Respond to Conflict

View it as an act of love

If you have been approached by a friend about how you’ve hurt them, remember that they care enough to bring it to you and are willing to be their vulnerable self with you, which is not easy for most people.

While it may be uncomfortable, it might be even more unpleasant to think what might happen if they didn’t come to you. There is a chance they may have withdrawn from the friendship and let you go entirely. “Remind yourself that this is an act of love that is there to heal us and bring us together,” Franco says, “and that this is your friend showing that they’re invested in you enough to want to work through this issue.”

Protect yourself from fight or flight

Whatever you do, do not take notes from dramatic TV show scenes where two best friends are shouting what they hate about each other from across the room and one person stomps out.

“When you’re in fight or flight, you’re not able to engage in mutuality. You’re only thinking about your reality,” Franco says. Do what you need to do to refrain from sending emotions into overdrive — even if that means you need to take a break during the actual conversation. “If you have the capacity to de-escalate, always do,” Franco says. “For me, I think about the idea of splitting into two selves. … I see the part of me that wants to escalate this, and I have this other part of me that is going to try to access my higher self for this conversation.”

If the dialogue grows heated, verbalize that you need a moment instead of shutting down. Franco provides another script: “Hey, that’s kind of hurtful. I hope that we can have this conversation in a way that we’re not going to be labeling each other or putting each other down. And maybe that means we take a moment here.”

Don’t be afraid to ask for a break if the discussion is too heated.

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Ask for time

In the heat of the moment, it’s hard to remember that we are real people and not characters we see on TV. The witty, speedy, perfectly curated dialogue on-screen is not always a reality. In fact, quippy back-and-forth dialogue can promote defensiveness and regrettable statements.

If your friend surprises you with their concern, you are allowed to ask for some time to process this new information. “No one wants to hear that what they’re doing is not good enough,” Jackson says.

To keep from providing a knee-jerk reaction or justifying your actions, take a pause, ask for a moment, and call back later, or even take a day or two. It will help your relationship in the long run and give you space to be receptive rather than reactive. “I think you’ll find it very liberating,” Jackson adds, “because the first thing you want to say is often not the route you end up really wanting to have taken.”

Depersonalize it

Whatever your friend might tell you, rather than spiraling out of control about how you may be a bad friend, succumbing to the imaginary conclusion that they hate you, or convincing yourself that may be too [insert negative adjective here], frame it as information instead.

“At the risk of oversimplifying this, I wonder how much we’d be able to salvage our friendships if we took a breath and said, ‘Okay. That’s not mean. This is data,’” Jackson says. If a friend conjures up the courage to tell you they don’t like how you spoke to them or that a joke hurt their feelings, remember that it is simply their preference. A certain word or action may trigger them, but it might not trigger you, and vice versa. It’s simply about respecting and honoring your friend’s request next time.

Frame everything you say in a conflict as information.

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Listen to understand

Don’t be afraid to ask questions to fully understand where your friend is coming from. Whatever information you need, take this as an opportunity to learn more about your friend and your friendship. Before the conversation ends, let your friend know that you hear them. Confirm what has upset them, and verbalize that you care and understand where they’re coming from — no ifs, ands, or buts. If you would like to avoid hurting them in the future, express how you will go about it next time.

Mia Brabham is a staff writer at Shondaland. Follow her on Twitter at @hotmessmia.

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Conflicts with friends – how to save friendship

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Alas, unlike the characters of comedy series, who each time manage to resolve all conflicts with friends with the help of ingenuity and wit by the end of 30 -minute series, we do not always manage to get around all the problems in friendly relations with such grace.

In reality, our opinions , observations and actions are different. This means that if we are friends with a person long enough, conflicts are inevitable.

At the moment when growing tension breaks out to the surface, we often panic, not knowing how to react: ignore the problem, hoping that it will eventually disappear by itself? try to discuss everything? wait and see what happens?

When we push a friend away, we often sacrifice emotional intimacy and eventually risk losing the friendship altogether

Those who tend to avoid conflict instinctively try to stay away from friends after a fight. At first, this may seem like a reasonable decision, because the distance will save us from stress or unnecessary clarification of the relationship. However, by pushing a friend away, we often sacrifice emotional intimacy and, over time, risk losing the friendship altogether. Not to mention, the accumulation of stress and anxiety is bad for our health.

Fortunately, there are ways to resolve conflicts without losing friends. Here are a few of them.

1. Discuss the situation as soon as the moment is right

At the very beginning of the conflict, when emotions are running high, it is wise to take a short break in communication. It is likely that at this moment neither you nor your friend are ready to listen and accept each other’s points of view. But this pause should not be too long.

Call or text message within 24 hours of conflict and express your regrets in simple terms you are sorry and what you would like: “I am sorry about what happened and I want to fix everything”, “Our friendship is important to me”, “Let’s discuss everything as soon as possible”.
2. It is not necessary to discuss and solve all problems at once
Sometimes it seems to us that the whole future of our friendly relations depends entirely on one very serious and difficult conversation. But, just as friendship itself develops gradually, so the complete solution of problems takes time. Sometimes it’s worth briefly discussing the problem, taking time to think about it and returning to this conversation later. Solving problems gradually is normal.
3. Show empathy for your friend’s feelings
Even when we disagree with our friends’ observations or conclusions, we can try to understand their feelings and experiences. We can track their body language during a conversation, pay attention to their tone of voice and facial expressions. Try to respond to any signs of pain, discomfort, or anger (“I understand that you are upset, and I am very sorry that you feel bad about it”).
4. Know how to listen
Listen to everything your friend has to say to you without stopping or interrupting him. If something in his words causes you strong emotions, try to restrain them until you fully understand everything that your friend wants to express to you. If something is not clear, ask again. Try to find out what your friend hopes to get out of this conversation or what he needs to feel better about himself.
5. Speak clearly and concisely
After you have listened to everything that you wanted to say without interrupting, it will be your turn to share your feelings and thoughts. Try to express your thought as clearly and frankly as possible, but without hurting the feelings of a friend.
Talk about your feelings and experiences, do not throw accusations. Avoid phrases like “You always do this.”
Talk about your feelings and experiences first, rather than making accusations. Avoid phrases like “You always do this” or “You never do this”, they will only exacerbate the problem and interfere with conflict resolution.
6. Try to accept a different point of view
We do not always agree with the opinions of friends, but we must be able to recognize their right to this different opinion from ours. We must respect the views of friends and their right to disagree with us. Even if we do not agree with everything our friend says, there may be something in his words that we are ready to agree with.
Finally, when the immediate conflict has been as exhausted as possible at the moment, allow time for the relationship to fully recover. Keep doing what you love to do together. Positive emotions from friendly communication over time will help smooth out the remaining tension.
About the Expert
Sarah Raymond Cunningham is a life coach, author of 5 books, a regular contributor to the Huffington Post, and a mother of two. Her website is sarahcunningham.org
Text: Nikolai Protsenko
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When conflicts with friends are beneficial
Have you become friends with someone on social networks or sent a couple of friends to a ban due to political differences? Such an act is not uncommon today. Silencing someone on the Internet whose views we find offensive or unpleasant can be done with the click of a button. What about offline friendship? How do you deal with conflict in real relationships?
Over the years, I have observed how the presence or absence of stable friendships has a direct impact on personal well-being. Friendships, from first crushes in kindergarten to sleepovers in high school, are the cornerstone of the human experience. But sometimes disputes and disagreements lead to a break with those people on whom we counted the most. As someone who has always tried to avoid confrontation, I have come to appreciate the process of resolving conflict in a relationship.
Violent political events can divide people especially strongly. Many of us break off relationships with those friends and even close friends whose views contradict their own. Instead of listening and trying to perceive the other person’s point of view, they cut off communication and become even more rooted in their own views and beliefs.
We tend to surround ourselves with people who support our position. But it is important to understand a simple thing: to notice and take into account someone else’s point of view does not mean accepting it as the truth. We only recognize this person as a unique individual whose life experience and value system have formed a worldview that is different from ours. Sometimes the differences of opinion are greater than we can bear. But quite often other people’s views challenge our thinking. And as a result, one’s own point of view is changed or enriched. This can strengthen friendships.
While the number of single people around the world is on the rise, it would be wise to take an inventory of personal connections. As you do this, you are likely to find that ideas about what is good for friendship and what is bad make it difficult to build meaningful relationships. I will say for sure: too strong negative feelings in friendship are toxic and destructive.
When you notice these harmful dynamics, make the necessary adjustments, even if it means cutting off communication. But try not to be fooled: while conflicting relationships can be unhealthy, conflict itself is not dangerous. In fact, a relationship that allows for different opinions and points of view creates the basis for a strong and lasting friendship. The main thing is to identify the cause and essence of the conflict and analyze its role.
There are five valuable features of fighting with friends that can strengthen friendships and promote personal growth.
Conflicts with friends…
…challenge long held beliefs
Just because you believe something doesn’t mean it’s true. Many beliefs are formed in childhood. Often, as adults, we automatically include them in our system of ideas without reassessing them. When a friend unexpectedly challenges the truth on which we have relied all our lives, we may feel hurt and even offended. But if we cope with the discomfort so much that we are able to hear and accept this challenge, we will get a new, very valuable experience.
…develop problem solving skills
This is a very important life skill. At my daughters’ school, “peace talks” are being held between students whose relationships are at an impasse. The ability to resolve conflict situations will definitely make their future life easier, help them cope with difficult situations at home, at work and in personal relationships.
… they make you face the shortcomings of your own thinking
As well as limitations, delusions. Sometimes we may actually hold a point of view or belief that is based on inaccurate facts. And then an external observer can point out to us these pitfalls and errors of thinking. A good friend will do this in a respectful way, caring about our emotions. Its purpose is to clarify misconceptions, not to shame or devalue our experience.
…allows us to be honest in intimate relationships
True friendship involves total trust, a bond in which we are allowed to be ourselves—authentic and whole. In such a relationship, everyone can express what they think is right, and feel at the same time in a safe space. If you or a friend disagrees, you can always express your opinion respectfully and tactfully.
… help develop empathy
Close contact with a person who is not like us requires the skill of empathy. Empathy is the experience of empathizing with the thoughts, ideas, and/or feelings of others. It is the ability to perceive and accept them without judgment. By connecting some part of the inner experience with the experience of a friend, you better understand his reality. This directly affects your interaction.
Friendship is a difficult but essential part of life. More often than not, we expect friendships to be moments of togetherness filled with laughter and joy. But it is also worth foreseeing the complications that one has to deal with when resolving controversial, conflict situations.
Consider this
Social networks and media, while opening up access to new acquaintances, can also isolate from diverse contacts, closing on those groups that best reflect our ideas and beliefs.