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Confronting other woman: 6 Strategies For Confronting The Other Woman

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6 Strategies For Confronting The Other Woman

By Rose Alexander

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Fact-Checked

When a husband has an affair, sometimes the wife may resort to confronting the other woman. In one sense, the husband has a legal obligation to uphold. In that position, he should be confronted about straying from his marital vows if he chases other women. But another way to look at the scenario is that the other woman is just as guilty as the husband, and thus needs to be confronted, too. Confronting the other woman is a delicate process that should be handled delicately to ensure the best results.Some wives vent their rage on the other woman by calling her up, telling her off, and demanding their husbands end the affair pronto. Some husbands do, while others do not, sometimes leading to a second confrontation with the other woman. In many cases, she is not going to stop flirting or trying to seduce a husband away from his wife. It will be up to the wife to decide if, when, and how to confront the other woman, and what to do about the possible different outcomes. These six strategies for confronting the other woman may be helpful.1. Get the facts straight.

Before you go blaming another woman for your husband’s affair, make sure you know what really happened. A guilty spouse may be very eager to pin the blame for his error on the other party, whether he initiated the relationship or she did. Keep in mind that he may have lied to her or misrepresented the facts of his availability and marital circumstances.

Even if she seduced him, he had the right and the responsibility to say no. Since the actual events are probably unknown to most wives, do what you can to learn the truth before confronting the other woman. Your confrontation will lose its effectiveness if she is able to contradict your limited information with real facts. Put yourself in a knowledgeable position by preparing for the encounter in a meaningful way, rather than merely to vent your emotions. 2. Choose your communication mode.

Today there are numerous ways of communicating with another person, from telephone to computer, cell phone, fax, or pager. But when confronting the other woman in an adulterous relationship, a face-to-face meeting might be beneficial for several reasons:*You can meet her in person to see what she’s like.

*She can meet you to see the “real wife.”

*You can observe body language and expressions that can enhance or disprove her words.

*You can look for signs of untruth as she speaks.However, meeting in person with your husband’s lover likewise could pose some threats, or at least possible obstacles. Take this points into consideration before making any immediate moves.*She can learn more about you for possible stalking purposes, such as following in a car.

*She may try to evoke pity so you will soften your stance against her.

*She may become explosive or emotional in a public place, which can be embarrassing.If you agree to meet, don’t do it in either of your homes. Plan a public meeting with other people around so that you feel neutral, but safe. Be sure to let someone know where you are going in case something should happen—a long shot, but not unheard of.

3. Decide whether or not to tell your spouse.

Even if your spouse tells you about the affair, you may decide not to tell him that you will be confronting the other woman. If you tell him, he could try to step in and prevent the meeting, perhaps fearing the leakage of additional condemning evidence. Or he may try to go with you and smooth things over. On the other hand, you may not want to keep this secret from him. Conversely, it is probably not a good idea to bring him along for the meeting, as this could make everyone uncomfortable, especially you. Chances are he will oppose the meeting, so be prepared when you discuss this possibility with him.4. Maintain a firm but calm attitude during the meeting.

Even though you are seething inside, don’t let the other woman know it. Stay calm, cool, and collected, letting her wonder what you’re thinking and what you’re going to say. Treat the meeting like a professional event in which your duty is to share unpleasant information that you will try to deliver uneventfully. Confronting the other woman while you are angry, hurt, or irritated will not necessarily improve the situation. Showing your feelings can give her power over you, which she may wield to hurt and wound you with later. Deal with facts, not feelings, when confronting the other woman, and don’t let anything she says get under your skin.

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5. Clarify your reasons for confronting the other woman.

Why do you wish to talk to the person who has been having an affair with your husband? Are you trying to get revenge? Parade your emotions before her? Make her listen to your story and see your face? Or are you only curious about who she is and what she’s like? Since you can have only acrimony toward her, or perhaps, a little bit of pity, are you sure it’s a good idea to meet in person? While it’s understandable you would want to have your say, are you really going to benefit, or will things only get worse?  On the other hand, if you need some testimony fort court, or you want some closure in your life, this woman may be able to provide you with some answers. 6. Decide beforehand if confronting the other woman is really a good move.

While you may feel as though meeting the mystery woman and telling her off will do your soul wonders, chances are the encounter will only leave you feeling worse than ever. Her face will forever be branded in your memory. Her voice will ring in your ears. Her hair, eyes, figure, or fashion sense will serve to make you jealous. Will this help to restore trust with your husband or work out the details of a divorce? If confronting the other woman will serve no valuable purpose, perhaps you can set the idea aside for now.

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Finding out that your husband has violated his marriage vows for an affair with another woman can be devastating. Some women respond in anger, choosing to target the other woman as the perpetrator of the affair rather than assign blame equally with the husband. There are wives who love their husbands so much that they will blame anyone else for their husband’s failings rather than risk losing him. They will continuously put up with their husband’s bad behavior indefinitely rather than try to identify possible causes and deal with them, including confronting the other woman. Whether or not you plan on confronting the other woman and her alleged affair with your husband, maintain your dignity in every communication or contact with her. Refuse to fall into the trap of looking like the bad guy when you face the other woman by calling her names or criticizing her behavior. Simply state the facts and let the situation speak for itself. Whatever you do, don’t get lured into the trap of revenge by becoming the other woman in a second romantic triangle. Maintain your integrity and your reputation by dealing with your husband’s affair in the most honorable manner.

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Should I Confront The Other Woman? 6 Expert Tips To Help You Decide

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What To Do If They Cheat – Do this …

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What To Do If They Cheat – Do this First

Imagine it’s the middle of the night and your partner’s phone beeps. You’re awake, you have a good idea who it is, and you’re wondering, “Should I confront the woman my husband is texting? Is she a married woman texting another man? How do I handle this?” The uncertainty can be crippling.

It’s always a terrible blow when you suspect or realize that your partner is seeing someone else. Maybe it’s just at the texting stage, maybe you’ve checked their phone and have proof. Now, you’re wondering if you should confront the other woman. This is a delicate and tough spot to be in, and there’s much to consider before you take the drastic step.

Acknowledging “Another woman is pursuing my husband” is never easy. Deciding whether or not you should confront the other woman only brings up more questions. What does it mean for your relationship? How do you show up in this equation? What does it say about you that you want to talk to this other woman? And most importantly, “How to stop the other woman from contacting my husband?”

We’re not promising easy solutions, but because it’s always comforting to have an expert opinion, we asked psychologist Nandita Rambhia (MSc, Psychology), who specializes in CBT, REBT, and couples counseling, for some insights into how to handle these questions without losing your mind and your dignity.

Is It A Good Idea To Confront The Other Woman?

Table of Contents

In most cases, it might not be a good idea to confront the other woman because rarely will it result in making you feel better about yourself or your relationship. You are saying, “My husband lied to me about texting another woman for over a year.” Well, as you discover this bitter truth, being overly emotional and wanting to see this person is absolutely justifiable. Deep down you really want to know what alluring quality she has that you don’t.

And that’s your first mistake. Your partner didn’t go out there and started cheating because you are lacking something. It’s not you, it’s always them. And even if there’s something fundamentally wrong in the relationship, you have to solve that within the four walls instead of blaming an outsider. Remember, your partner was just as much involved in it as that woman.

If you must have a painful and uncomfortable red flag conversation, it might be a better idea to have it with your partner. Even if it’s a married woman texting another man, leaping to blame and confronting her isn’t the best idea. The meeting will lower your self-esteem even further as you won’t be able to stop comparing yourself to her. And the details of your husband’s relationship with another woman will be hard to endure.

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Nandita points out that while in some cases, it might be unavoidable to make contact with the other woman, choosing to do so as a possible solution to a fractured relationship will not work. “The other woman is only part of the problem, but not the root,” she says.

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On top of that, when your husband finds out about you going to see his affair partner, it can shatter your entire relationship and ruin any chances left for rebuilding the marriage after infidelity. However, if you’re still wondering whether or not to confront the other woman, read on for more tips to help you make up your mind in what is sure to be a tricky situation.

Speaking on the matter, clinical psychologist Devaleena Ghosh previously told Bonobology, “The worst part of this strategy is that you contact this person in search of full clarity. And there is no guarantee that you can actually get that. What if the person lies to your face?”

Should I Confront The Woman My Husband Is Texting? 6 Expert Tips To Help You Decide

A husband sending inappropriate text messages to another woman could certainly be a sign that your marriage is over. On the other hand, it might be the manifestation of problems that exist in your marriage already, the ones you and your partner can choose to work out.

Either way, the question, “Should I confront the woman my husband is texting?”, has no easy answer. Going down that road is just as tough as steering clear of it. So, with Nandita’s help, we’ve rounded up tips to help you make an informed decision.

1. Get your facts straight

We can’t stress this enough – your suspicions about your husband messaging another woman don’t make you hysterical or paranoid, and it’s absolutely all right to want to act on your perceptions. But, given that it’s such a fraught situation already, it is imperative that you have your facts in place.

“This is a sensitive situation and a confusing place to be in. It is easy to operate from a place of “I have been wronged and must act immediately”. In our desperation of catching a cheating partner, we try and find out what our partner has been doing, where, and with whom, and then we form our judgments. In this situation, it’s very important to differentiate between acting based on some snippets of information and focusing on actual facts.

“You know that your partner is texting someone, but before you confront the other woman, you need to figure out the nature of the relationship. Is it just text-based, has it gone further, is she a married woman texting another man and flirting? It’s important to be sure that something is genuinely going on and your partner has cheated on you in some way or the other,” says Nandita.

Remember, these are painful facts to face, if indeed your speculation “My husband is emotionally attached to another woman” is true. But you need to be sure before you confront the other woman. Also, ask yourself, will you be able to take the additional information or emotional manipulation that might come from this woman?

Related Reading: 11 Things You Didn’t Know Amount To Cheating In A Relationship

2. Decide if it’s wiser to confront your husband first

“It’s tempting to want to confront the other woman because we’re wired to believe the best of our loved ones and assume that it’s the third person who is at fault and is disrupting your otherwise perfect relationship. I would say take a major pause before rushing out to confront the other woman.

“Remember, your relationship is primarily with your partner, so it is better to talk to them first. Let them talk, explain their side, and air their thoughts out. You must sort things out and figure out where you two stand in your relationship and what this exact episode means for you as a couple,” says Nandita.

The world is full of people, and a third, fourth and fifth person could come into your relationship at any given time. The point, Nandita says, is that your partner has responded to this person, which means you should hold your partner accountable in the first place. A good bout of talk therapy could be just what you need.

Again, none of these conversations with your partner will be easy. But trust us, it’s better than going over scenarios in your head and wondering if any of them are true. You keep thinking “Another woman is pursuing my husband” and “My husband sent pictures to another woman”, driving yourself to exhaustion. Talk it out instead – you don’t need to shoulder the burden alone.

3. Confronting the other woman won’t heal an already damaged relationship

“We’d been married three years when I realized that my husband is emotionally attached to another woman,” says Jean, our reader from Los Angeles, “My first instinct was, “Should I confront the woman my husband is texting?”, and then, “How do I stop the other woman from contacting my husband?” And I really wanted to because I thought once I confronted her, it would heal my relationship. ” Jean later realized that she and her husband had already grown apart and barely knew each other anymore.

“We hardly spoke – we were like two strangers sharing a home. This other woman was simply a symptom, but not the main cause,” she says, “I ended my marriage finally, and honestly, I’m glad I didn’t confront the other woman because it wouldn’t have resolved anything. It was an unhealthy relationship already and while I don’t appreciate that he was involved with someone else, I’m glad I didn’t make it my problem. She was also a married woman texting another man, so she clearly had her own problems.”

It’s easy to blame a third person for all your relationship issues, to say that your marriage is perfectly healthy if only that other woman would go away. But take a long, hard look at your marriage. Are there problems that already exist even without that pesky other woman your husband keeps texting? If so, no amount of confrontation will fix it.

4. Figure out what you’re hoping to gain from the confrontation

What is it about confronting the woman to whom your husband is sending inappropriate text messages? What do you think will happen after you confront her? Are you trying to get revenge? Are you simply curious? Will it help you or your relationship in the long run? Or, are you trying to decide when to walk away after infidelity?

“In many cases, you could just be hoping for some kind of an ego massage. Or it might make you feel a little better or maybe you hope that just by scaring the other woman, you can make her go away from your partner’s life and your relationship could go back to being normal. It’s usually a mixture of revenge and curiosity that drives us to confront the other woman, but it could easily turn into a disadvantage for you, especially if you don’t know the whole story. It’s wise to be wary in such cases,” says Nandita.

Related Reading: Forgiving My Partner’s Infidelity To Reclaim My Life

We understand that it may be hard for you to get rid of thoughts like “My husband lied to me about texting another woman” or “My husband is emotionally attached to another woman”. Yes, the simplest solution to all of this seems to be to confront this other woman. But, what’s your motive here? Are you really trying to repair your marriage, or just hoping to get a closer look at someone he seems to prefer? And is it worth it?

5.

Consider your alternatives. Is there another way to get the truth?

With a husband sending inappropriate text messages, it’s easy to rush to conclusions and immediately think of all the things you’d like to say and do to the other woman. Stop for a minute and consider your alternatives. Rather than taking the frankly painful and awkward step of confronting the other woman, what else can you do?

“My husband sent pictures to another woman, and they had been texting for a while. I knew it and had been contemplating, should I confront the woman my husband is texting or not,” says Shelby, a 35-year-old businesswoman from New York, who later decided not to.

“I talked to my husband instead. He admitted to the infidelity – the woman was also a married woman texting another man. We talked about an open marriage, because honestly, while I loved him, I wasn’t feeling the marriage so much either. It’s been a year, and we’re finding our way into a marriage that suits us both. Had I confronted the other woman, things would have ended very differently,” she adds.

Now, don’t assume that every time your partner partakes in physical and/or emotional cheating, it means they want an open marriage. It is entirely possible that it was an indiscretion you both can move past, or that it’s a sign your marriage no longer works and it’s time to end it.

6. If you do make contact with the other woman, keep your cool

“Maybe there are situations where you need to make contact with the other woman. If she’s a relative or a close friend or colleague, she is then a part of your inner circle and you can’t avoid her. In such cases, you will keep meeting or bumping into her often. Now, it can become extremely awkward. In such situations, it makes sense if you have a talk with this person.

“I advise you to not make it a hostile confrontation. But it is important to address it and let this other woman know about everything that you are going through and the trauma that you are facing because of whatever is happening between her and your partner. This is important because you might be meeting this person quite often and therefore, it’s always better to put all your cards on the table,” says Nandita.

Related Reading: 17 Agonizing Signs Your Husband Doesn’t Love You Anymore

“The thing to remember here is to remain completely calm, keep a cool head and be clear and articulate when you voice your feelings and thoughts. Also, see if there is any kind of remorse from the other person or if she is making an effort to be at all empathetic toward you or not. Once you know the kind of response you get, you will have a clearer picture of whether or not you would want to interact with this person anymore,” she concludes.

Our Verdict

A husband messaging another woman is never a pleasant thing to handle, and again, your first instinct could be to yell, “Stop texting my husband!”, at the other woman. And then, before you know it, you’re frantically asking yourself or texting your friends, “Should I confront the woman my husband is texting?”

There are no easy answers here, but your dignity and sense of self-respect need to come first. Whether you confront the other woman or not, have a clear-eyed view of what it means for you and your relationship, what you’re prepared to lose, and how you will handle it. Dishonesty in a relationship never helps, so be honest with yourself and demand the same from your partner.If you must confront the other woman, be cool, coherent, and dignified

“In cases, if the third person is someone you don’t know, I would strongly advise that you just keep them as a stranger. The reason is that if you don’t solve things between you and your partner, it won’t matter how the confrontation with this person goes. You can get rid of this particular third person, but they can be easily replaced in your partner’s life, especially during a midlife crisis, because the issues in your relationship remain intact.

“Your partner has allowed this other woman to come into your relationship. Now you need to figure out the reasons why this has happened. You need to be very honest with yourselves and each other, work on your own relationship and figure out where things can be mended for the better after you discover your husband is talking to another woman,” says Nandita.

Key Pointers

  • Confronting the other woman might open a can of worms; you will get to hear many painful details about your husband’s affair
  • That woman may try to mislead you with wrong information or provoke you
  • Figure out what you want to accomplish from this meeting before you take the plunge
  • Think if there is any other way to get the truth because it might be difficult to rebuild your marriage after this confrontation
  • Talk to your husband and try solving the problems in your marriage
  • If you are going to confront, first get your facts straight and keep your cool during the meeting

Once you’ve met the other woman, it would be almost impossible to forget her and we wouldn’t advise such confrontations unless it’s a truly unique situation. Plus, there is no assurance that the other woman would spill the exact truth that you want to hear. On top of that, your husband may react negatively knowing you have gone behind his back. So, assess the pros and cons of this complicated situation before meeting this woman, and keep your head held high, no matter what you decide.

FAQs

1. Is it right for my husband to text another woman?

As we talk about loyalty and commitment, it’s not okay for your husband to send intimate text messages to another woman from that point of view. But in his version, he might feel he is right if he has emotionally checked out of the marriage and looking for an escape route.

2. What do you do when another woman is after your man?

More than deciding what you do, you should figure out what your husband wants to do about this matter. Is he also interested in this woman? Or is he trying to come out of that trap and rebuild your marriage? If it’s the first one, you should probably leave the relationship with dignity. In the second scenario, you may both go and meet the other woman and discuss your situation.

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Olga Makhovskaya: About the phenomenon of “reserve women”

Even if feminists all over the world one day on the eve of March 8 achieve all the rights they have declared and the civil status of a woman increases like never before, there will be one status that is not amenable to any external influences, but an extremely important status for a woman – the status of happiness.

And here a woman of the 21st century is unlikely to be able to get out of dependence on men. This dependence is almost eternal, and the only thing that reconciles with it is that it is mutual.

Our conversation with a well-known psychologist, author of the books “Reserve Woman” and “Anti-Marriage Syndrome in Men” Olga Makhovskaya is about modern accents of eternal relationships.

Rossiyskaya gazeta : “Reserve woman” is not necessarily a lover, but a very close, necessary, supportive woman, one that a man is always sorry to lose. Maybe it’s a hoax?

Olga Makhovskaya : Before taking up the book, the idea of ​​which came to me on a whim, I asked the men I knew for several days: “Do you have a spare woman?” The answers were instantaneous and like a blueprint: “How do you know?!” With the formula “reserve woman” I try to describe the “shadow role” of a woman in a relationship with a man. Their obscure relationship. By analogy with the “shadow economy” we can talk about “shadow psychology”, “shadow personal life”.

WP : Where can you find this “reserve woman”?

Makhovskaya : First of all next to successful men.

Rare of them does not hide the shadowy figure of a woman. By the way, she can be dim, discreet, but with a great outlook, always with special spiritual qualities and a colossal attitude towards this particular man. The last striking example, which finally convinced me that the institution of “reserve women” exists, is a TV show about the actress Nina Doroshina, Oleg Efremov’s longtime lover. Despite the fact that he liked young and beautiful actresses, he constantly returned to her, especially if he was smashed into the trash. Among the artists of such a scale as Efremov, you can collect a collection of “reserve women”.

RG : And the phenomenon of “spare men”…

Makhovskaya : … does not exist. The female psyche is the psyche of a minimalist who uses all the possibilities of one option. In a relationship with one person, she is able to conclude the whole world.

RG : And the very convincing triangle “one woman – two men” in Valery Todorovsky’s film “Lover”?

Makhovskaya : But the heroine can’t stand it, she dies. For a woman, the situation with the “shadow man” will never seem ideal. Another thing is that today business women have young lovers as a symbol of success. But purely psychologically it does not give her anything. And it does not strengthen it, but weakens it. And love is a feeling that should strengthen a person. And “reserve women” strengthen men. And “spare men” tear women apart.

WP : Is there any hidden inequality in this formulation of the question?

Makhovskaya: I describe in the book the reality that most traumatizes a woman. Big positions, cool limousines – okay, we can do without it. But when you are denied the most important thing – psychological intimacy … Today in Russia the best women and the best in women are not in demand. And the demographic situation is such that you constantly stumble upon women who are beautiful in every respect – they are smart, they are personalities, they are professionals, they have a huge outlook, they are good-looking, and they arouse admiration. There are more such women in Russia today than anywhere else in the world, I say this as an expert, because I dealt with the topic of international marriages and heard constant indications of this from European men. All of them noted that in addition to the education of our women, they are distinguished by spiritual warmth, to which men of any culture react. But nevertheless, these women, who are not very suitable for marriage with foreigners due to the difference in cultural and psychological nuances, remain unclaimed.

But the point is not only in the lack of demand for women, but also in the loss of men. Successful, strong, married to young and beautiful women, they often find themselves in a psychological impasse. True, at the same time they do not like to admit that they are bored with their wife, that she demands everything, being capricious, it is not clear what, and he quickly gets tired of this and only hopes to raise an obedient wife out of her by the traditional method of stick and carrot. But don’t expect harmony here.

It so happened that most people in Russia today – often successful-rich, married-married – do not have an intimate psychological partner. Despite the fact that the need for this is as high as ever – due to the instability of the world and our internal imbalances. But this need is stubbornly not recognized, not noticed, ignored. The phenomenon of “spare women” is also a crushed, “shadow” thirst for psychological intimacy. If we understood this, we would finally, perhaps, be able to fight each other.

WP : And the question is: how can we get through to each other?

Makhovskaya : In general, yes. Male and female perception of mutual relations is different, and this difference is poorly understood. The story of a man and a woman for a man usually begins with a sexual interest. For a woman – always with an attempt to establish psychological intimacy, that is, to behave sincerely and confidentially. A woman suffers greatly, not finding an answer to this, feeling that she is not in demand entirely, but in a minimal and humiliating way. But in fact, this is only the beginning of the story. If you do not understand that this is a stage in relationships with men (it is followed by a stage of intellectual intimacy and only then – psychological), then relationships cannot be built in principle. Every time you will stumble upon what you perceive as a sexual object, be offended and leave without seeing a future.

At the same time, the man also does not understand the peculiarities of women’s attitude to their history. And low psychological culture – both in men and women – does not allow us to realize this difference.

Glossy neurosis

WP : Aren’t the younger generation more skilled at this?

Makhovskaya: What are you talking about! On glossy instructions “How to seduce a man (woman)?” a new generation of neurotics has already grown up.

We have incredibly tied our personal relationships to market ones. The standard of behavior for us is cut out according to the type of deal: don’t lose, don’t sell too cheap, get yours. Recently, as a psychologist, girls come to me for a consultation in great bewilderment. They do not understand why they, so sophisticated, educated, with long legs, dressed in the latest fashion, do not want to get married, they do not want children from them, and they fail to keep partners close to them.

At the same time, everyone wants a handsome-young-healthy-rich man and that he has no other fixed idea in his head, except for “taking care of me.” And what do you want, this is the perfect partner for a girl who trains herself all the time. She believes that at the end of the race, this is exactly what she should be waiting for. And if he still hasn’t met, then she’s still poorly trained. It is necessary to build up capacities, go to a psychologist for trainings, get “psychotechnologies” from him and aim them at the peasants.

The entire glossy industry sharpens them on the idea of ​​”competitiveness”, imposes this market race on them. And the young woman actually positions herself as a basket with a living wage. Like a commodity. And when it is treated like a commodity – depreciated, rejected, abandoned – it is indignant.

WP : Well, the ideals produced by the “glossy industry” sometimes smell like outright madness.

Makhovskaya : At the same time, the “gloss” is very pleased with itself and is not sold anywhere like ours. We generally accept any fashion with great enthusiasm. And this one also hit our complex of “gray mice” and “Cinderellas”. “Dear woman,” the “gloss” told us, “you are underestimated, you are actually better, more beautiful, I will help you realize this now.” But, trying to play the role of a “good fairy”, he played an “evil wizard.” And low The consumer of “gloss”, standing at the mirror, usually says to herself: well, yes, not thin enough, and legs again … This gives rise to “glossy neurosis”, when it seems to a woman that if she did not go to hairdresser or missed a couple of fitness, then it … everyone will see! And retribution will be inevitable.0005

RG: “Needle”?

Makhovskaya : Kind of self-dependence. “Gloss” after all, by hook or by crook, makes you fall in love not with a partner, but with yourself. And these strange, pathological practices from the point of view of psychology and sexology, this fashion for “love yourself – take care of yourself” are still being cultivated. And how can a person who is preoccupied with himself, hyper-attentive to his appearance, wallet, wardrobe, think about a partner, live his life?

This ends in colossal isolation. Look how many lonely TV stars we have. They often have a reputation for being gay, but I am convinced that in most cases this is a “Narcissus complex”: they cannot imagine a person worthy of themselves next to them.

The task of “gloss” is to promote goods on the market – accessories, cars, services. But we do not understand that this is all connected with the standard of living, and not with its quality. The standard of living can be measured in money, but the quality can only be measured psychologically: a person is happy or unhappy. And in terms of “quality of life” very rich can be very poor.

RG : Well, yes, when you read about the adventures of the oligarchs in Courchevel, you understand that the standard of living is undeniable, but the quality…

Makhovskaya : I would be glad to know that, for example, the oligarch Prokhorov has a secret lover or female friend. Not young, not beautiful, understanding. But I suspect that the role of “reserve woman” is played by his smart older sister Irina.

But looking back, the best men remember not women who struck them with their beauty, but those who supported and understood in difficult times. Most often, this woman is the mother. But mom can’t be with us all our lives. It seems to me that the main problem of a modern Russian man is that he grows out of the image of his mother and does not grow up to the image of “his woman.”

A man running away from himself

WG : Why can’t the “reserve woman” who compensates for the terrible deficit of psychological intimacy be taken out of the shadows?

Makhovskaya : But “shadow relations” are something flickering, hard to notice from the outside. They cannot be operated on, they cannot be felt. After all, no one controls what a man and a woman talk about. And besides, the man, as always, did not promise anything. .. It is difficult to verbalize, realize, believe, blame… Very shaky ground – the soil of happiness. Relations are not procedural, not promising dividends. It’s not “marry a millionaire”.

Actually, the last confession for a “reserve woman” is to marry her. Shadow relationships are most often offered to smart and well-feeling women. Men… are afraid of their legalization. Fear of losing control in a relationship. Their sociality provokes the role of a strategist, a person who controls his life to a much greater extent than a woman. And it is very difficult to control a woman, especially a “reserve”, exclusive one. It is comparable to him in terms of resources – psychological and intellectual. And in this sense it is dangerous. It’s, you know, how to have a fortune teller in your girlfriends. Go and do some magic, it’s still so-and-so, but you don’t need to have friends, you’ll still “wind up” something.

The “reserve woman” knows everything about you, she is your equal, you are dependent on her. When men brush off such a woman, they only more firmly mark the boundaries of their independence. When once every six months they come to the woman they would like to see every day, then behind this you can also find the fear of losing yourself in another person, of ceasing to be yourself. What, by the way, not only men, but also women are afraid of. Because these mergers into a single whole – they are associated with a temporary loss of “I”. And it’s scary in its own way. As a psychologist, men described it to me as a kind of claustrophobia: it blocks, closes the whole world.

RG : For some reason resurrection love comes to mind. Petrarch, for whom Laura was a way of looking at the world … She did not impoverish him. And what, nothing promises permission?

Makhovskaya : No, you know, in the last three years men suddenly went to psychologists. Previously, they came mainly to quarrel: “Do not dare to fool my wife, we ourselves will deal with everything with her. ” And now there are men who suffer from role inversion in a situation with a successful woman. Which manages the budget, and sets the tone, and determines the development strategy of the couple – this is actually a male position. A man in such a situation begins to feel the value of emotional warmth, comfort. And she often comes to a psychologist with what a woman used to come with, to complain: she used to be more responsive, caring … And this, by the way, is also a request for psychological intimacy.

WP : But is a woman, deprived of psychological intimacy, more hurt than a man? Are men more able to do without?

Makhovskaya : Do not forget that men live less. And drugs, alcohol, strength sports, passion for risk, this is all their “running away from themselves.” When a colossal emotional deficit has been accumulated, and a man can no longer live without doping, and does not dare to have psychological intimacy with a woman … Around 40, a man’s biological advances in life are spent. He understands that he is not so young and lightning fast, that he has problems with his health and with the bed. And the time of special sensitivity in relation to psychological intimacy is just beginning. And we need not unbridled sex, but a spiritual partner. A woman who empowers you. And a more subtle and refined relationship with her. And a mutual greater mood for a partner.

He doesn’t know what to do when he suddenly realizes the overwhelming “I can’t live with this man anymore!” Maybe quit your job, or maybe lose. Maybe buy a new car, or maybe go to the country. Narrow-minded wives think “he has a woman,” but he just “sheds.”

By the way, if he has a “reserve woman”, he immediately calls her. That’s when he realizes its necessity.

WP : Look, maybe everything is simpler? Remember, in one Soviet film, the movie hero Alexander Mikhailov said: “All of you women know about us, but you don’t know one thing: why we love some and marry others.”

Makhovskaya : They don’t know this themselves. I’m telling you this as a psychologist, not as a woman.

But you know, statistics show that the number of marriages where the woman is older has doubled among the Japanese over the past 15 years. It is believed that a man chooses a woman older – and not by 2-3 years, but by 7-10 years – if he is interesting to himself as a person. And she wants to find answers to questions about herself. This recognition that the psychological part of my life is no less important than the material part, it saves many men. And those who understand this, as a rule, are happy. And these marriages are stable.

Not old-world love

RG : And yet there are not Japanese, but our couples, where psychological intimacy is not in short supply, but in abundance. But at the same time, it seems to me that happiness is poorly presented in our country. Where do we have happy spouses in literature, except for “Old World Landowners”. But “Anna Karenina”, in which the whole story of Anna is just about the absence of psychological intimacy, we love much more.

Makhovskaya : Yes, an indicator of psychological closeness is a happy joint old age. And when a husband and wife, as in the stories of Alexander Grin, die on the same day. But this is not necessarily childish intimacy in the image of “Old World Landowners”. And at 60, and at 70, and at 80, a man and a woman can be a real man and woman. Without losing their spiritual qualities, without turning into children or into plants.

But old age is out of fashion today. She is not shown. The film market demonstrates that films with young actors bring more income, that everyone likes to watch the beginning of passionate love. The Hollywood tradition of eternal youth wins everything. We forgot about a good soulful movie about older people.

There are no old people on the screen at all. Notice we don’t even have male actors capable of playing interesting older men? Baluev? Mikhalkov?

And to play psychological intimacy is the pinnacle of theatrical and film mastery.

If I were the head of a central TV channel, I would create – through serials and talk shows – a fashion for a new style of relationships. For psychological intimacy. Would show the beauty of such marriages.

RG : Will this fit in the series?

Makhovskaya : If a series with the figure of a psychologist who would comment on all this, then why not. So far, we have a good “soap”, where the feelings of an unfortunate woman are “worked out”. Such series give relief, but do not give a breakthrough. A woman is still left alone with her passions and experiences, men do not watch TV shows.

The film-drama genre is needed. The genres of a long spiritual conversation “tete-a-tete” with famous men, like Konchalovsky, would also be good. We are talented in sincere conversations.

WP : Does life in a big city interfere with the cultivation of love?

Makhovskaya : Life in a metropolis, on the one hand, provides additional opportunities for meeting, and on the other hand, it tears you apart. It is difficult to grow these “roses” in a city garden. We are all in pieces, we must earn money, etc. Moreover, we must appreciate the moments when we are together.

WP : What can be done to increase the value of psychological intimacy between people?

Makhovskaya : I would ask young people en masse: “Can you imagine that you will never meet your love?!” I think it would sound like a sentence to them. What about a unique resonant relationship that turns two into one, removes all boundaries, carries fearlessness in itself, does not know the questions “should I give birth to him or not? Should I follow him or not?” – never, never meet you. Do you want to continue to look for quick dividends, to play “short”? And you understand that the price of such a strategy is life. Either you live at least one story for real, or your whole life will be a series of transactions.

With psychological intimacy, relationships become exclusive. You understand that you will never be able to enter into such a state of resonance with anyone as with her (with him)! And it’s such a blessing that you don’t need any foreplay in conversations. No need to explain where you came from, what you did. You speak without choosing words.

If such a partner is found, no one is looking for a replacement. Why waste efforts on searching when you have already been given this psychological synchronicity.

Instead of feng shui fashion and attempts to harmonize the material world, I would offer everyone the incorruptible: look for your man. And once you find it, cherish it endlessly. It’s so rare.

RG : Something to give a hint to those who are looking for…

Makhovskaya : As a psychologist, I would like to write a book of rules for establishing psychological intimacy: sit opposite, drink wine… But the laws of sympathy and psychological intimacy irrational and unknown. And instant. And all-encompassing. And it’s almost impossible to explain.

I can say one salutary thing: if THIS happens, it is always MUTUAL.

WP: Are you not too encouraging?

Makhovskaya : No, I specifically say to encourage those who are not sure of this reciprocity to calmness, confidence, freedom, and, if you like, offensiveness. These relationships come from the very core of our personality, our essence. No one can doubt them, and no one can extinguish them.

Elena Yakovleva

blitz interview

I completely fit this profile

American psychologist about “reserve women” in Russia and in the world

Olga Makhovskaya co-authored the book “Reserve Woman” with Professor of Psychology at the University of Washington Eric Shiryaev. We asked him to answer a few questions from RG.

Rossiyskaya Gazeta : Why did the topic of the “reserve woman” touch you?

Erik Shiryaev : It is eternal and daily. As a professor, I mostly deal with the 19-20-year-olds who are just growing up, but in behavior psychology seminars we constantly discuss this issue: the fickleness of men. In America, Russia – there are few differences – almost everyone is interested in this topic. Students bombard my email with essays: “Look Professor, I totally fit this profile – I’m a spare, I just figured it out. …”

Young people grumble (in English, of course) with a smile: “Doc, you are giving away our male secrets….” But they also write about their observations.

WP : What distinguishes the position of Russian women in the context of this topic? What is their position “relative to men” and what are the features of this position?

Shiryaev : In my opinion, in Russia over the past 10 years there has been a “mass masculinization” of the successful male population of the entire country. Europe has “feminized”, America is in the middle. Therefore, in the face of fierce competition, many women do not have much choice (all highly masculine men have already been sorted out) and take the role of “reserve”. They do this either with the secret hope of being the first someday, or simply without any pretensions: I accept everything as it is, because others live worse.

RG : What traits of modern Russian women’s behavior do you consider the most significant?

Shiryaev : Historians of culture argue whether there are three or nine muses in the world, but according to my strictly scientific data, most of the muses have found their charming habitat in Russian women. Why? The Muses have an inexplicable power to inspire. And if there were Olympic Games according to who will ignite the most inspiration, Russian women would win against both Canadians and Germans combined. The Muses have been and always will be on your side.

Anna Spitsyna

Open relationships – what is their essence, who suits them, pros and cons

18+

Some people cringe at the mere phrase “open relationship”. Free – from what? From love, from mutual obligations, from supporting each other? But for many, this is quite a convenient form of personal life. Whether you can feel great without being the only woman of the only man is up to you. But first, find out what those who decide to live like this will have to face.

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Relations between the sexes

open relationship

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So, let’s try to figure out what an open relationship is, what are their pros and cons, who is suitable for them and who is not.

Open relationships: what is their essence

The term “open relationship” means such a relationship that, in addition to communicating with one regular partner, does not prohibit freedom of action with representatives of the opposite sex. In an open relationship, partners do not report to each other, do not coordinate their actions in relation to other men or women, and are not justified. A couple, where a free relationship between a man and a woman is implied, itself sets the boundaries of what is permissible.

An open relationship between a man and a woman can be partial. In such cases, the couple arranges joint trips to the cinema, to a restaurant. At the same time, each of them can invite someone else with them. A man and a woman exchange messages with other people, give them or accept gifts from them. However, such a couple does not let anyone into an intimate relationship – sex happens only between them and with no one else.

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But in some cases, open relationships are not limited to this. The essence of free relations can be reduced to the fact that partners by agreement have the right not only to communicate with the opposite sex, but also to flirt and even to intimate contact.

The psychology of a man and a woman, when their relationship is recognized as free, requires an unbiased attitude towards the partner. It is impossible to demand from him that he be constantly near, swear eternal love, maintain sexual contacts only with you and with no one else.

How to find an open relationship? First of all, remember that if you choose this way of life, then it does not imply any obligations. To maintain an open relationship without obligation, you need to close your eyes and not react to many things that happen. For example, your partner may go on a date with another girl, and you should not be jealous of him. Your friends and colleagues will constantly say that they saw your partner with someone else.

First, make sure that you are ready to say to yourself: “Yes, I want just such an open relationship. ”

Open relationships: a list of rules to follow

1. Make sure that you are self-sufficient and everything is stable in your life

You probably have friends of the opposite sex for open relationships in your life. They do not gravitate towards marriage, and welcome frequent meetings and sexual contacts, not counting on anything more. From an emotional point of view, an open relationship is the same as walking on a narrow bridge over an abyss. In both cases, you will want someone to hold your hand tightly. If you have a serious relationship, it must be strong. If you start something new, you yourself must be strong. Better not try if you have a black streak of life.

2. Get ready to be jealous

If a girl expects an open relationship, then she must understand that partners should not be jealous of each other. A feeling of jealousy can gnaw at a person even under better circumstances. You can admit it to yourself, you can discuss it with a partner, but you cannot avoid it. If you find it difficult to deal with jealousy, an open relationship is not for you.

3. Consider the views of everyone involved in the relationship

If an open relationship has arisen between a guy and a girl, it is desirable that the closest friends know about it. Explain to them the essence of friendship, which does not carry any obligations. Whether you’re going to turn an existing monogamous relationship into a free one, or you’re starting something new, you need to talk to everyone involved about it.

Things like noncommittal relationships need clarity, so be honest about what you want and even more honestly about what you DON’T want. Is it just sex? Do you want to meet others at the same time? Do you expect that for your main partner you will remain in the foreground?

4. Discuss everything in detail.

An open relationship is not only sex without commitment. You will have to come up with your own rules: what each of you can do and with whom. Do not forget to discuss what each of you wants to know about the adventures of the second, and what you absolutely do not want. And if you know – then in advance or after an already accomplished fact. These rules can even be written down so that later you don’t say: “We didn’t agree on that!”

5. Make a list of people you shouldn’t change with

If in a couple someone has proposed an open relationship, this means that sex can happen on the side. But with whom? Discuss in advance possible applicants for intimate contact with your partner. And think about why these people are on this list. For example, your friends, colleagues, relatives can enter it – which is quite understandable. And Olya I. Just because you can’t stand Olya I. and you feel sick at the mere thought that your boyfriend will even touch her.

6. Be fair

What one of you is allowed to do, the other can do. It’s a relationship without obligation.

7. Warn your friends

If you have an open relationship with a man, it is advisable to inform your relatives and friends about it.