How to handle a crush on a co-worker? What to do if your boss asks you to install spyware? How to address gender and racial biases in academic collaborations? Get expert advice on these workplace challenges.

Embracing the Thrill of an Office Crush

Experiencing a crush on a colleague can be both exhilarating and daunting. While workplace romances come with their own set of risks, there’s no denying the allure of the “office crush.” The key is to navigate these feelings with care and wisdom.

As our anonymous writer shares, this particular crush feels more intense than any they’ve had before. The excitement of the unknown, the flutter of possibility – it’s all part of the thrill. However, the writer rightly acknowledges that work and romance don’t always mix, particularly when the feelings may not be mutual.

My advice would be to embrace the enjoyment of the crush, but temper it with realism. If there are no power imbalances or exploitative dynamics at play, consider having an open and honest conversation with your crush. The worst they can say is no, and at least you’ll have clarity moving forward. Just be prepared to handle the potential awkwardness if the relationship doesn’t work out.

Navigating Unethical Requests from Superiors

In the case of Henry from New York City, his CEO has put him in a difficult position by asking him to install spyware on an employee’s phone without their knowledge or consent. This is an unethical and likely illegal request.

As Henry rightly points out, wiretapping and unlawfully obtaining communications information are felonies in New York. He should firmly refuse to install the spyware, explaining that it is considered a form of wiretapping. The CEO may be unhappy, but Henry should prioritize his own ethical standards and the law over appeasing his boss.

If the CEO retaliates by threatening Henry’s job, Henry should document everything and consult an employment lawyer. No one should have to choose between their job and their principles, especially when it comes to potentially illegal activities.

Addressing Gender and Racial Biases in Collaborations

The situation faced by our anonymous writer in the technical field highlights the persistent challenges of gender and racial biases in academia and industry. The dismissive attitudes towards the female professor of color, in contrast to the perceived deference shown to the “old, white, male” professor, are deeply troubling.

As the writer rightly points out, the implicit bias at play here is glaring. The professor they want to work with is clearly qualified and capable, yet their colleagues are quick to discount her because she doesn’t fit the mold of what an “established” academic should be.

In this case, the writer should continue to advocate for the female professor’s inclusion and push back against the biased perceptions of their colleagues. They could highlight the professor’s specific qualifications and the unique insights she brings to the research problem. Framing the collaboration in terms of the potential value it can add, rather than focusing on the professor’s gender or race, may help to shift the conversation.

Fostering Inclusive and Equitable Workplaces

These workplace scenarios underscore the need for more inclusive and equitable environments, where biases and unethical practices are actively challenged and addressed.

Employers and leaders should strive to create cultures that encourage open communication, ethical decision-making, and respect for diverse perspectives. Training on unconscious bias, fostering mentorship programs, and actively seeking out underrepresented talent can all be effective strategies.

Ultimately, it’s up to all of us – whether we’re in positions of authority or not – to speak up against injustice, advocate for change, and build workplaces that truly value and empower all employees, regardless of their gender, race, or other personal characteristics.

Navigating the Complexities of Workplace Relationships

Workplace relationships, whether romantic or professional, can be fraught with challenges. From the thrill of an office crush to the ethical minefield of a superior’s unethical requests, navigating these situations requires nuance, courage, and a strong moral compass.

By approaching these situations with empathy, honesty, and a commitment to ethical behavior, we can not only protect ourselves but also contribute to the creation of more inclusive, equitable, and healthy work environments.

Fostering Diversity and Inclusion in Collaborations

The barriers faced by the female professor of color in the academic collaboration highlight the ongoing need to address systemic biases and inequities in various fields. Proactively seeking out and amplifying diverse voices and perspectives can lead to richer, more innovative research and solutions.

Employers, industry leaders, and academic institutions should make concerted efforts to foster inclusive environments, provide mentorship and sponsorship opportunities for underrepresented groups, and actively challenge biases and stereotypes that hinder progress.

Ethical Decision-Making in the Workplace

The scenario involving the CEO’s unethical request underscores the importance of ethical decision-making in the workplace. Employees should be empowered to uphold their moral principles, even when faced with pressure from superiors.

Organizations should have clear ethical guidelines and reporting mechanisms in place to support employees who encounter unethical or illegal requests. Fostering a culture of transparency, accountability, and ethical leadership can help prevent such situations from arising in the first place.

The Thrill of the Office Crush

Business|The Thrill of the Office Crush

https://www.nytimes.com/2023/04/16/business/roxane-gay-work-advice-office-crush.html

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I have a crush on a co-worker. But this isn’t a normal crush. I’ve had crushes before and I usually either confess or just ignore them till they go away. Not this one, though. I really, really like this person, far more than anything I’ve felt in a long time. I’m aware when he’s in the room and I notice all sorts of details about him. I’ve tried to put it out of mind, and I know work and romance don’t mix, particularly when I have no idea if he returns my feelings. But this crush just won’t be crushed! Do you have any advice on navigating a painfully intense crush on a colleague?

— Anonymous

There is something exhilarating about a crush when it’s just you and the object of your affection and your imagination and everything is still possible. I hope you’re allowing yourself the enjoyment of the best parts of having a crush, while feeling so overwhelmed.

Work and romance don’t mix, but many, many people have romantic entanglements with co-workers. If you’re not dealing with a power imbalance that would make one of you vulnerable to exploitation, the only real harm in dating a co-worker is if the relationship doesn’t work out. Admittedly, that can make things pretty awkward.

You’re not giving me a lot to go on here. Does he know you? Do you guys get along? Is he … single? Do you want to make a romantic overture? Why is this particular crush so intense? I’d love for you to sit with that question, because if you are clearer on why you’re so overwhelmed by these feelings, you might find some clarity on how to better deal with them.

A crush is a healthy thing, so try not to overthink this. At the end of the day, if you really, really like this person, why not shoot your shot? The worst he can say is that he’s not interested, which will hurt, yes, but you will handle it, and have new information about how to proceed. And if he says yes to a date, well, like I said, everything is possible. Good luck, and be good to your heart.

I work as tech support at a small asset management firm. As the lone support person, people come to me with all their random requests. Recently the C.E.O. stopped by and handed me an iPhone he wanted to be wiped and restored. Then he sent me a link to a spyware app he wanted installed on it without anyone being able to detect its presence. The phone wipe was successful but unfortunately it could not be activated.

I convinced him to take the phone to an Apple Store to get it activated, hoping he would forget his earlier request. Knowing his child is far too young for a cellphone, I can only assume this device is for his wife. When he returns with the phone, how should I handle this? Should I help him potentially spy on his wife, state my opposition or not install it but say that I did? He’s a petty man so I’m sure I could lose my job for refusing. But do I risk any legal actions against me?

— Henry, New York City

Your C.E.O. seems to be asking you to do something illegal. Installing spyware on someone’s phone without that person’s knowledge or permission is wiretapping. In New York, there are any number of offenses attached to installing spyware on someone’s phone without consent, including tampering with private communications, unlawfully obtaining communications information and failing to report wiretapping.

You’re being put in a terrible position here. I would tell him that you can’t install the spyware because it is considered wiretapping, which is a felony. If he wants to spy on someone, he is going to have to watch a YouTube video or something to figure out how to do it, like everyone else.

I am a woman in a male-dominated technical field. In my industry, we frequently collaborate with academic researchers. A colleague introduced me to a professor who works at a top university and she has the background and tools to tackle a research problem we are focused on. During our meetings she suggested interesting, unique and insightful ideas.

I am excited to work with her and think she will be a great collaborator. I recently invited some colleagues to engage in this collaboration. After the first group meeting with her, two of these colleagues expressed that they did not think she was the right collaborator for this project. They said they had recently met with a different (old, white, male) professor and thought compared to him she was not as inquisitive as an academic should be. They would prefer to work with a more established professor.

The professor I want to work with is a young woman of color, which is rare in our field. The implicit bias is glaring. I have continued to express my support for working with her but I have not pointed out their bias for fear it would backfire. How can I best support this woman? While I truly enjoy my work, I face situations like this, where I see bias against myself and others, frequently enough that it can be exhausting. How do I continue to fight without burning out?

— Anonymous

The most important thing you can do is continue to be vocal in your support of this woman. When relevant, offer evidence for why she is the best person for this collaboration. And sometimes, yes, point out the implicit bias of your colleagues. They may not be receptive to having their biases pointed out, but that’s their problem, not yours. When they say they prefer to work with a “more established professor,” what they’re saying is that they prefer to work with someone they are more comfortable with, someone like them. They want to work in an echo chamber, and it would behoove you to point that out.

Your exhaustion is understandable. Constantly having to prove yourself and deflect microaggressions and stand up for what’s right and withstand nonsense is beyond tiring. It should not be the price of doing business. The most important thing you can do to avoid burning out is to pick your battles. Energy is finite. I wish I had a better answer for you, but honestly I, too, am trying to figure out how to fight the good fight without running myself ragged.

I was honored to speak at an event in a professional capacity. Peers from my very niche field whom I greatly respect and interact with all the time joined me on a panel afterward. I am not sure what happened, but I completely bombed. I spoke way too fast and stumbled over words. I kept seeing weird looks on the audience’s faces, which made it worse. This has never happened before. I redeemed myself on the panel — I spoke clearly and the audience responded well to my commentary.

I am mortified and am not sure if I should say something to my peers or the woman who invited me, who I fear is in trouble with the head of her organization who was in attendance. Should I apologize? Say something to my fellow panelists when I see them again? And I know this is not a therapy column but any advice on getting over a professional embarrassment? I feel like a complete failure.

— Anonymous

As mortifying as it can feel, these things happen. We are human. Sometimes we have a bad professional day, and sometimes there is an audience to our failures. I’m sorry this happened, but you have to forgive yourself and move on. Bombing a speech is not the end of the world, even though it can feel that way. I’m impressed that you were able to regroup and perform well on the panel afterward, and you should be heartened by that.

Instead of completely collapsing, you were able to persevere. I understand your inclination to apologize, though I am not sure an apology is necessary. If apologizing would help you move forward, I’d suggest reaching out to the woman who invited you. Explain what went wrong as best you can, and perhaps send a modest bouquet or something similar, with a thank-you note to express your gratitude for the opportunity.

You don’t need to say anything to your fellow panelists. You did well on the panel. Please remember that you are not a failure, not by any stretch of the imagination. You gave an awkward speech. It was terrible. It’s in the past. Look ahead to better days and a better performance the next time you speak publicly.

Roxane Gay is the author, most recently, of “Hunger” and a contributing opinion writer. Write to her at [email protected].

Roxane Gay is an endowed professor of media, culture and feminist studies at Rutgers, the author of the forthcoming “Opinions” and a contributing Opinion writer.
More about Roxane Gay

A version of this article appears in print on  , Section BU, Page 3 of the New York edition with the headline: When Cupid’s Arrow Strikes, Don’t Panic. Order Reprints | Today’s Paper | Subscribe

Men Feel Differently About Having a ‘Work Crush’

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Exclusive research commissioned by Newsweek has revealed that men feel differently about workplace crushes compared to women.

In a poll conducted byRedfield & Wilton Strategies on March 20, 2023, 1,500 U. S. adults were asked about what was and was not appropriate in the workplace.

When asked if it was OK to have romantic feelings for a colleague, 38 percent of men said this was, while 32 percent of women replied that it was not.

A further 22 percent of men agreed it wasn’t OK to fancy someone from work, but 30 percent said it would depend on the circumstances. Interestingly, more women (37 percent) replied that a workplace crush could be circumstantial, and 21 percent of females said it is OK.

A composite image of people working in an office. In an exclusive poll for Newsweek, 38 percent of male participants said it is OK to have a ‘work crush’.
iStock / Getty Images

The participant’s ages range from 18 to 65 and older, but the age group who disapproved of workplace crushes the most was aged 25 to 34 years old (34 percent).

Among 35- to 44-year-olds, 38 percent replied that it was OK to have a workplace crush, and 31 percent of millennials aged 18 to 24 years old felt the same way.

Communication strategist Rebecca Leppard told Newsweek about the important things to consider before taking a workplace crush any further.

“Having a workplace crush can certainly add a level of excitement to one’s work life,” Leppard said. “It can create a sense of anticipation and give employees something to look forward to while they’re on the job.

“However, it’s important to remember that work should always be the top priority. Any romantic interest should never interfere with one’s job responsibilities or relationships with colleagues,” Leppard added.

The results also found that respondents from the West and Midwest have the strongest views about workplace crushes. Almost half (42 percent) from regions in the Midwest replied that a workplace crush is not OK, while 35 percent from the West said it is.

Leppard, the founder of Upgrading Women, a communication training and consulting company for women in tech, said: “It’s essential to strike a balance between maintaining a professional demeanor and having a fulfilling personal life, including any workplace crushes.

“As an HR expert, I advise employees to be cautious, respectful, and mindful of company policies and guidelines when navigating these types of situations,” Leppard added.

Earlier this month, a Mumsnet user was urged to dump her husband of eight months after noticing how he acts around a female colleague.

Speaking about a night out, the wife wrote: “She drifted from one group to another, my husband trailing after her. The way he was looking, it was like he’s in love with her… “

Many users of the popular UK-based discussion site backed the woman and called his behavior “outrageous.” But this isn’t the first time a woman has turned to the internet for support about a workplace crush.

In September 2022, a Reddit user shared her experience with a younger co-worker who was attempting to flirt with her husband. She was praised for how she handled the situation, even if it did embarrass the colleague.

Have you had a workplace dilemma? Let us know via life@newsweek. com. We can ask experts for advice, and your story could be featured on Newsweek.

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What to do with a boss who doesn’t love you

Varvara Grankova

Over the years of your career, you must have come across at least one boss whom you could not win over and, moreover, irritated. You have the feeling that the boss does not trust you or that he simply does not like working with you. Even an impressive list of professional achievements does not help in such situations, because he is sure that you are a loser.

To change his negative attitude, you need to act immediately, otherwise you will most likely never be able to correct the situation. If your boss thinks you’re a problem or that you don’t fit well with the team, it will be hard for them to notice the work you’re doing. He will always pay more attention to your shortcomings, which will lead to a slowdown in your career or even to dismissal.

Look out for warning signs

How do you know when you’re in trouble with your boss? Here’s what you can notice: if the boss begins to lose confidence in you, he will demonstrate an authoritarian style and give direct orders. For example: “Don’t forget to do X, Y and Z during the project” or “I want you to arrive at meetings five minutes early from now on.” He will begin to monitor the progress of your work more carefully and more often: “Look into my office in the afternoon to discuss what exactly you have already done.” If it seems to him that you do not fit into the team, then you will notice how he corrects your every word or even pronunciation. If he interrupts you during the presentation, it’s really bad. By the time you stop being invited to meetings you used to attend, it will be too late. Well, if you get negative feedback about your performance, this is a signal that you will soon be fired. Then you will be given a trial period, and if your approach to work does not change within a month or a quarter, you will definitely be fired.

Act fast

Watch out for the moment when your boss’s instructions get tougher or more specific than you expect. While you are still in the so-called zone of forgiveness. This means that if you quickly adjust your actions, you can regain confidence in yourself. Ask your boss which of the last tasks you completed caused him dissatisfaction. Ask him to explain what he would do differently if he were in your place. Listen carefully. The boss talks about what he expects from you when completing the task and what exactly you need to focus on. Reorganize your work in line with your manager’s expectations and try to demonstrate a new approach to business or an increased attention to the priorities identified by him.

All of this may seem unimportant or pointless, but if you’re looking to advance in your career, remember that adapting to the demands of your boss is a necessary step on the road to success.

Understand the boss’s priorities

What is the most likely cause of the conflict? Usually problems appear after some specific event. Most likely, you accidentally stepped on the boss’s sore spot and did something that goes against his ideas about priorities or work style. For example, in one case it may seem to him that you have given little time to the company’s distributors. In the other, that they did not live up to his expectations: although they fulfilled the sales plan, he still hoped that you would exceed this level. Or maybe you were late for a meeting for 10 minutes, without really explaining the reason to him or warning him in advance, and he took it as a sign of disrespect? Or instead of a 20-page presentation, he was expecting you to give a short summary report and now takes this as evidence that you did not listen to him or, even worse, you cannot concentrate on the main thing. Perhaps you simply did not let him know about some important events in time and as a result he was taken by surprise.

As soon as you start working with a new boss, the first thing you need to do is understand his requirements. It is best to ask him directly: “What qualities of employees are most important to you? What criteria should I be guided by when making decisions? When it comes to the style of work, you should ask: “How should I work? What should I avoid so as not to cause nervousness? Find out how your boss prefers to interact with you, such as how often you will meet and in what setting, what communication methods your boss prefers, and how they will evaluate your performance.

Watch for non-verbal cues

Of course, not every manager will explain what is most important to him. Therefore, you should also observe his behavior during meetings, and not just ask about it directly. Try to notice what annoys him and what he, on the contrary, likes. Take a look at who in the meetings gets their attention and gets a response, and try to figure out why. Observe the style in which your boss conducts meetings, pay attention to the degree of frankness and the nature of the interaction between him and the participants in these meetings. The next time you find yourself in the boss’s office, think about how this place characterizes his life, the degree of organization, the requirements for people, the preference for planned or, conversely, spontaneous meetings. If possible, ask colleagues to understand how they feel about your boss. If he has a secretary, ask him what annoys the boss, most often it is the secretaries who know this best.

50% of male employees
believe that bad relationships with management are holding them back, according to recent surveys. In second place in popularity is laziness – more than 30% of men think so. Less than 20% of respondents believe that a career is hindered by poor performance
33% of women
who are employed also explain the lack of career growth by poor relations with management. And the same number (33%) of women believe that the reason for a failed career is laziness

Before asking your boss for feedback on your work, you should first work with him for a while. We recommend finding the right moment right after a meeting where you performed well. Ask your boss: “What did I get and what needs to be fixed by the next meeting?” Experienced managers will usually let you know exactly what they expect from your work. But inept bosses don’t, which is why you need to learn to pay attention to their non-verbal cues to get feedback.

However, unless you ask directly, your supervisor may not tell you when you first made a mistake. He thinks it was done by accident. But now you will be under his supervision without even knowing it. If you make him angry a second time, he will begin to doubt you. In the third – he will say exactly what annoys him, but by this time he will already consider you a hindrance in his work. Therefore, when you are just starting to work in a company, train your observation skills. If this is the first time you have accidentally broken the rules, he will send you a non-verbal signal. You’ll notice a raised eyebrow, or a grimace, or you’ll hear something along the lines of “personally, I wouldn’t do that. ” Do not ignore such a signal and discuss the situation with him at the first opportunity.

People with career ambitions differ from others in that they are sure that there is no boss who cannot be conquered, you just need to understand why he behaves in one way or another. Remember that all leaders want to be successful. Your goal is to help them understand how they can achieve this and to tailor your work style to them.

About the Authors: Jay Conger is a Henry Kravis Award-winning professor at McKenna College in Claremont, California and a recognized global expert on leadership; Allan Church – Senior Vice President of PepsiCo, responsible for the development and evaluation of the company’s personnel, a member of the Society for Industrial and Organizational Psychology

Original article – http://hbr-russia.ru/karera/kommunikatsii/p24871

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What to do with a bad boss

Varvara Grankova

A bad boss is not just a nuisance at work. If a manager manipulates employees, demonstrates passive aggression, appropriates other people’s merits and criticizes beyond measure, this can lead to bullying at work, dissatisfaction with it, psychological stress and depression. These are the findings of a study conducted by the University of Manchester. The authors interviewed more than 1200 people. There are many who suffer from unbearable bosses. According to the nonprofit organization Mental Health America, collected on 17,000 employees from 19industries, 64% of employees feel they don’t get adequate support from their boss. Another study notes that 44% of employees leave because of a bad boss.

The hardest thing for subordinates is when they face the passive aggression of the boss. Passive-aggressive behavior has many different manifestations. Some managers deliberately limit access to the necessary information or seek to control everything beyond measure. Others play off employees, pointedly ignore them, or show chronic indecision. The need to obey such a leader can have a strong impact on the employee both during and after work hours. But efforts and success at work should not be determined solely by the framework that the leader sets. Below are three strategies to help an employee stay emotionally and mentally healthy, even if their boss doesn’t.

Anticipate and prepare

I worked with a top manager who reported to the head of the North American region at their company. He liked to play the game “I know a secret”, hinting at the information to which he had access, unlike this top manager. As with most passive-aggressive people, this was a clever form of avoiding direct conflict. Instead of openly expressing his disagreement, he said: “I understand why you see the situation as it is, but there are other factors that you do not know about in your position.” When a top manager tried to clarify what these factors were, his boss answered, for example, like this: “I have no right to disclose them now. ” This left the top manager no choice but to agree with any decision of the head.

I advised my client, a top manager, to ask this question from the very beginning: “Do I have all the information I need to make a decision, or do you have information that can change my actions?” This question forced the boss to either take responsibility for the decision from the start or let my client make his own decision. Don’t be caught off guard – set parameters and set expectations ahead of time to limit the manager’s ability to resort to passive-aggressive methods at critical moments.

Don’t stoop to their level

When the boss shows passive aggression, the subordinate, of course, wants to respond in kind. If, when asked why you are being so ostentatiously ignored, your boss replied, “I have no idea what you are talking about,” your first impulse is likely to be an equally harsh and cold response. But this approach doesn’t work. If you think your boss has taken credit for your work, resist the urge to tell the whole office about it. Probably everyone already knows this. You will earn much more respect if you do not stoop to such pettiness.

The 10 most unbearable habits of bad bosses

1. They appropriate the merits of subordinates.
2. Do not trust subordinates and do not empower them.
3. They do not notice that employees work overtime and overwork.
4. Do not support subordinates when bonuses and salary increases are discussed.
5. Hire and promote the wrong people.
6. Do not protect subordinates in disputes with company clients.
7. Give incorrect advice on appointments and distribution of responsibilities.
8. Control subordinates down to the smallest detail, depriving them of the freedom necessary for effective work.
9. Focus on the shortcomings rather than the strengths of subordinates.
10. Do not explain what results are expected from subordinates.
Source: BambooHR 2017 survey of 1,029 US workers.

Responding to passive aggression in kind can lead to a number of unpleasant consequences. Firstly, it will only justify the behavior of the boss. Once you stoop to his level, you will enter into an implicit agreement with him about how you intend to resolve the conflict. Later, it will be difficult for you to use other, more effective solutions to the problem. Secondly, you will lose self-respect if you behave in an unworthy way, from your own point of view. Do not assume that your boss knowingly or even intentionally behaves this way. Most often, passive aggression is an unconscious response to feelings of anxiety or perceived threat. At the heart of this behavior is a feeling of loneliness, deep self-doubt and constant anxiety. Try to show sympathy for such a boss, not anger.

State the problem in a respectful tone

Going into a direct confrontation with a passive-aggressive boss is very risky. You openly challenge a person who demonstrates that they are unwilling to speak directly and have disproportionate power over you. I once witnessed a frustrated manager who couldn’t help but say to her boss, “Don’t think I don’t understand what you’re doing. I know for a fact that you didn’t forget about the meeting because I saw you record it. You are not fooling anyone with this ridiculous behavior.” Those who heard these words marveled at her determination. But a week later, the manager was fired.

There are effective ways to point out a problem without provoking the behavior you are trying to combat. A more profitable strategy is to make an effort to make your working relationship comfortable for the boss. Passive-aggressive people are less likely to show it towards people who are trusted and behave correctly, so try to avoid emotions and judgment.

I watched another manager masterfully do this by calling her boss to a conversation in the following way: “I noticed that in the last few meetings you were critical of my work, and it’s not clear to me whether you were joking or actually have comments regarding my work. The first time I didn’t think about it, but it happened a few times and I just want to be clear. If you have any ideas on how I can adjust the work, I’d love to hear them.