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9 Sexual Fantasy Confessions From Men

Sexual fantasies—we all have them. Maybe you dream of a threesome, or maybe it’s something more out-of-the-box. Either way, it’s normal and healthy. The whole point of a fantasy is that it’s something unexpected and unlike how you’d normally behave in real life.

Not all fantasies are meant to turn into reality—think, public sex. But whether or not you put them into practice, sexual fantasies can be a great way of getting in touch with what turns you on.

Here, 9 guys get real about the sexy thoughts that turn them on. Hey, maybe you’ll find some inspiration.

American Revolution Role-Play

“Hi there. 35-going on 36-year-old here. Small business owner and author. Pretty regular guy. But, something I always wanted to try out with a partner is American Revolution-era roleplay. Yes, ’tis true…wigs, dandy makeup, britches…the whole nine yards. I’m absolutely fascinated with the 18th Century and wonder how the fantasy would pan out. ” —Joseph

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Wearing Women’s Lingerie

“I am not sure why, but there’s something really sexy about seeing your girlfriend in a leopard thong or red corset thing, and I have wondered what it’d be like to reverse the roles and try one on. I’d be into trying a thong on and see what it’s like. I might hate it! But there’s some urge.” —Richard

Making Sex Literally Dessert

“The whole edible sex idea is a big fantasy for me. I want to use chocolate syrup and whipped cream and lick each other all over and just tease with the whip and maybe some cherries and toppings. It’d be like a body sundae. That seems hot…and delicious.” —Michael*

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Having a Threesome With Her Best Friend

“This is probably frowned upon, but honestly, I find my girlfriend’s best friend smoking hot, and I’d really want her to join us one day. It would be UNREAL. Of course it’s a fantasy and won’t happen…unless she mentions it…but, yeah.” —Dave*

Watching Her Get Off to My Penis Mold

“I’ve always wanted to make a mold of my penis so the girl I’m with can have it as a dildo to play with. But even more than that, I want to see her use it in front of me and get off. And I’d want her to let me know when she’s using it at home when I’m not there too, because that would feel so good.” —Sean

Sex With Her in High Heels and Pearls

“I don’t know why, but the idea of watching a girl under me with her legs wrapped around in high high heels and wearing pearls and then completely naked beyond that seems incredibly sexy. But it is more of a refined sexy, like from older times, in a way, and she’d look beautiful.” —Rob

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Sex in the Office…Everywhere

“There’s this co-worker at my office who I am really attracted to, and I’ve always had a fantasy to have sex at work where it’s sneaky and we could get caught. Like the desk or the bathroom or stairwell. But with this particular girl, I’d picture us starting in the office on the desk and then against the wall with the glass door so people could see us—but it’d be late at night so likely no one there—and then we’d go to the bathroom and finish there.” —Greg

Sex in a Cabana

“I’d love to go on vacation one day with a girlfriend and rent a cabana and have sex like all day in the sun with people around. We’d close it so it’s private but the idea that we were having sex in public with all those people around would be super hot.” —Alex

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Going to a Sex Party

“I’ve always wanted to go a major sex party where everyone fools around with each other. I’d probably go with a girl I am seeing, but we’d also get with other people there—together or separate. If separate, we could still see each other and know that the other was getting turned on, too. I wouldn’t be jealous, and she’d have to be OK too, but if so, then it’d be really sexy and an awesome fantasy.” —John*

*Some names have been changed to allow subjects to speak freely on private matters.

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The 7 Most Common Sexual Fantasies According to Experts

  • Some of the most common sexual fantasies include rough sex and multi-partnered sex. 
  • Other sexual fantasies include public sex, roleplay, and voyeurism. 
  • Before acting on sexual fantasies, establish consent and adhere to laws regarding public nudity. 
  • Visit Insider’s Health Reference library for more advice.

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Sex is a topic that can spark many complicated feelings. Even the most sex-positive folks can find themselves feeling confused and uncertain when reflecting on the arousing, erotic mental images — otherwise known as sexual fantasies — they conjure up in their head. 

It is easy to get caught up thinking your innermost thoughts are deviant. But, chances are even your most taboo fantasies are normal and healthy. In fact, evidence suggests that those who have sexual fantasies experience less anxiety and a greater sense of self-esteem.

Daydreaming about sex is completely normal, and acting on a shared fantasy may even help spice up a relationship. Just make sure that you establish consent and boundaries with your partner, and are following all local laws around nudity and sex. 

Below you will find examples of some of the most common fantasies people experience — and how to act on them safely. 

1. Multi-partner sex

Multi-partner sex involves sex with more than one partner of the same or different genders. Sex with three partners may be called a threesome and more may be called an orgy. 

A 2017 study published in Archives of Sexual Behavior involving 274 Canadian university undergraduates revealed 64% of participants had some interest in multi-partner sex.

Another study published in Personality and Individual Differences involving 788 British adults found that men specifically may fantasize more about multi-partner sex. Male participants of the study were more likely to fantasize about sex with multiple people and with anonymous partners. Meanwhile, women’s fantasies were more likely to include same-sex partners and famous people.

2. Dominant or rough sex  

Rough sex is a sexual act that is aggressive, animalistic, and perhaps somewhat violent. It is often depicted as more passionate than other kinds of sex, but can also be associated with unhealthy abusive sex. Though, rough is not inherently dangerous or abusive.

BDSM, which encompasses much of rough sex, stands for bondage, discipline, domination, submission, sadism and masochism. BDSM encompasses many different kinks — often considered atypical sexual practices. Dominant or submissive sex often involves the consensual assuming and relinquishing of power between those involved. It can involve tying your partner up, spanking, and an entire spectrum of other behaviors and emotional entanglements. 

Some people are aroused by light restraint, others by intense physical pain. 

Psychological roleplay — like that between a teacher and student or a boss and employee — may also be considered BDSM as it involves an exchange of power.

Justin Lehmiller, a social psychologist whose research focuses on sexuality, discovered this fantasy is wildly popular when doing research for his book on the science of sexual desire called Tell Me What You Want. He surveyed 4,000 Americans and found 93% of women and 81% of men had fantasized about being sexually dominated. Further, 85% of men and 76% of women had fantasized about being sexually dominant.

3. Voyeurism or exhibitionism

Voyeurism is arousal caused by watching an unsuspecting person or people engaged in a private intimate or sexual act. A small 1991 study found 54% of men have voyeuristic fantasies. Meanwhile, a 2006 Sewdish study found that of 2,450 adults surveyed in 1996, 7.7% had reported becoming aroused watching other people have sex.

Exhibitionism is on the other end of voyeurism; it is the act of becoming aroused by others consensually watching you have sex or by exposing parts of your body to unsuspecting participants. Both of these kinks can be considered problematic if one is unable to control their urges, if the fantasy causes emotional distress, or if legal issues arise.

You probably won’t be able to act on this sexual fantasy. In the US, and many other countries, it is illegal to watch or tape anyone having sex without their consent. Additionally, public nudity is illegal in most of the US, although the definition of nudity may vary by state. 

4. Sex in public or an unusual location 

Sex in public is another popular fantasy that may fall under exhibitionism. In Lehmiller’s same survey, he found 81% of men and 84% of women were aroused by a public sex fantasy. 

It’s important to note that acting on this fantasy is often illegal. Though actual guidelines vary by the municipality — for instance, public nudity is legal in areas like Denver where people of all sexes can go topless — sex acts in public are illegal in all 50 states.

5. Roleplay and cosplay 

Despite their similar names, roleplay and cosplay are distinct fantasies: . 

Unfortunately, there has not been a great deal of research done on the topic of sexual roleplay or cosplay. An issue in the International Journal of Roleplaying suggests this is because sexologists consider it to be an “insignificant factor of foreplay,” and therefore, is not explicitly included in research questionnaires. 

6. Romantic sex 

Romantic sex is different than many fantasies because there is no specified definition — what is romantic for one person may differ for another.  

In theory, any kind of sex can be romantic. Romantic sex is “…a sexual relationship in which there’s an emotional and erotic connection. It could be long and slow and sensuous, it could be

tantric sex
, it could, you know, have some BDSM involved in it,” says Deborah Fox, a clinical social worker and certified sex therapist.  

Tantric sex, for example, is slow and doesn’t fixate its end goal on orgasm. Instead, the goal of it is to focus on the entire sexual experience and any sensations it brings up. 

Lehmiller reports finding romantic sexual fantasies more popular among younger respondents of his survey. He also found 91% of straight men, 88% of straight women, and 87% of gay and bisexual men and women, fantasize about their current romantic partner — making partners the most common person respondents fantasized about..

7. Gender-bending and homoeroticism 

Gender-bending is when a person challenges societal expectations of their gender. Modern American examples of it trace back to 1920s vaudeville and can be linked to present-day drag shows. People of all sexual orientations can practice gender-bending. It’s important to note that this is different from transgenderism, which is when someone has a gender identity or gender expression that differs from their assigned sex at birth.  

Homoeroticism is a fantasy that involves sexual acts with members of the same sex. It can be — and is often — experienced by people who identify as heterosexual, not just homosexual or queer. 

In fact, a 2019 paper published in Social Forces suggests 3.6% to 4.1% of men and 7.6% to 9.5% of women report some level of same-sex sexual or romantic attraction. 

Further, sexual desire is not an either or situation, nor does it define your sexual identity. For example, a heterosexual cisgender woman who is in a sexually fulfilling relationship with a cisgender man can still have fantasies about other women.

Fox thinks of sexuality as a spectrum, or a bell curve. On one tail of the curve is being completely straight, and on the other tail is being completely gay. Most people fall somewhere in the middle. 

“People might identify as straight, but they can have a little titillation about you know, imagining, or even engaging [in same-sex sexual acts],” says Fox. “Some heterosexual people do have sex with the same gender person occasionally. ..having that homosexual fantasy, I don’t think it necessarily means anything about their identity in and of itself.”

Tips for approaching your partner with sexual fantasies 

Trying out fantasies with your partner is exciting and thrilling. But, before you start, there are important aspects of experimentation you should ensure are in place for utmost safety and pleasure.

1. Establish consent 

The most important thing to establish when having sex with partners is consent. It shows a partner you respect them and their body, and a sexual act without consent is assault. 

Consent is explicit, non-coercive permission to engage in a certain act, in this case, one of a sexual nature. It can be revoked at any time. It is the most vital aspect of healthy sex. 

Consent is not merely “no means no” — but more of a “yes means yes.” It looks like: 

  • Consistently checking in with a partner throughout a sexual experience
  • Asking explicitly if they like something before you do it
  • Discontinuing an act if they ask you to stop — even if they agreed to it beforehand 


Discuss boundaries

To have the safest possible experience, you must be transparent about what it is you want and don’t want. This can include:  

  • Set an agreed-upon plan for how the sexual encounter might go, including what is off-limits 
  • Establish a safe word to say when you begin to feel unnerved, so your partner knows when to stop, 

The basis of these boundaries is consent, which can be relinquished at any time. It is important to get permission before trying anything new, or even if it’s something you do regularly.

3. Use proper protection 

To avoid transmitting any STIs, ensure you practice safe sex with a condom or other barrier. 

Other forms of birth control like an IUD or spermicide do not protect against STIs; inform your partner beforehand if you may be carrying one. 

4. Treat your partner with respect 

Sex is intimate and should only be experienced somewhere and with someone who you feel safe with.  

Understand vulnerability must be embraced when having sex, and do not say or do anything that may make your partner feel judged. Take it slow, especially when trying new things. Voice any concerns or thoughts you may have throughout. 

Insider’s takeaway 

Sexual fantasies are nothing to be embarrassed about. Desire is a key part of sexuality and having fantasies is normal, common, and healthy.

Just because you have a fantasy does not mean you want to act on it. But if you do, it is important to establish consent, respect your partner’s boundaries, use proper protection, and make sure you are following local laws around sex and nudity.  

Frontiers | Validating the Utility of the Wilson Sex Fantasy Questionnaire With Men Who Have Sexually Offended Against Children


Sexual fantasizing refers to the deliberate act of mentally envisioning a sexual scenario involving a target (e. g., a person) and/or behavior (e.g., dominating) (1). The content of the mental imagery generally reflects one’s sexual interest (2) and is experienced as sexually arousing (3). For example, in individuals who have sexually offended against a child, sexual fantasies involving children are often associated with a sexual interest in children (4) and are often used as a means of inducing or enhancing a state of sexual arousal (5).

Although sexual fantasizing is implicated in the etiology of child sexual abuse (6), a detailed understanding of how it actually influences offending behavior has yet to be established. Bartels and Gannon (7) highlight two ways, however, in which it may occur. The first refers to heightening an individual’s risk or propensity to sexually offend. That is, for those with a sexual interest in children, sexual fantasizing may psychologically and physiologically energize an individual (i.e., increase their sense of “wanting”), thus preparing them for engagement in sexually appetitive behavior (8, 9). When combined with masturbation and orgasm, this sense of wanting may be relieved in the short term but heightened in the medium term. The second link to offending is based on the idea that sexual fantasizing can create behavioral scripts (e.g., explicit or implicit plans) that an individual may enact in real life (5, 10, 11). Again, the inclusion of masturbation (and subsequent orgasm) is likely to strengthen the sexual meaning of the script, potentially increasing the likelihood of enacting the imagery in real life. Regardless of the exact causal mechanism, researchers have found that sexual fantasies about children are associated with contact sex offending behavior against children (4, 12, 13). While causality cannot be inferred from these findings given their correlational nature, sexual fantasizing is arguably an important factor to consider in the assessment and treatment of individuals who have sexually offended against children (SOCs). Thus, it is important for clinicians and researchers to have a reliable and valid tool for assessing sexual fantasy use.

One of the oldest and often used measures is the Wilson Sex Fantasy Questionnaire or WSFQ (14). The WSFQ includes a list of 40 sexual fantasy themes ranging from “the normal and innocuous to the deviant and relatively obscene” (15, p. 61). Each item is scored on a six-point scale ranging from Never (0) to Regularly (5), across five different contexts (i.e., Daytime fantasies, Fantasies during intercourse or masturbation, Dream while asleep, Have done in reality, and Would do in reality). When assessing the frequency of sexual fantasy use, Wilson (15) advises only using responses for Daytime fantasies, since scores for the other four contexts all highly correlate with Daytime fantasies. The WSFQ is composed of four factor analytically derived themes, each containing 10 items, namely, Intimate, Exploratory, Impersonal, and Sadomasochistic (14). This factor structure has been supported in subsequent confirmatory analyses, particularly in men (16). The WSFQ also provides a total score, which is argued to be a measure of one’s overall sex drive (15).

Only a few published studies have used the WSFQ with SOCs. In one of the first studies, Baumgartner et al. (19) found that the WSFQ had very good internal consistency as indicated by Cronbach’s α (Intimate = .92; Exploratory = .86; Impersonal = .83; Sadomasochistic = .86; total score = .95). Below, we outline the studies that provide information about various forms of validity for the WSFQ.

Baumgartner et al. (19) also found that SOCs (n = 64) scored higher than nonsexual offenders (n = 41) on the Intimate and Exploratory subscales (d = 0.57 and 0.44, respectively). Crucially, they argued that two WSFQ items reflect themes associated with children (i.e., “Having sex someone much younger than yourself” and “Seducing an innocent”) and found that SOCs scored significantly higher than nonsexual offenders on these two items (d = 0.77 and 0.55, respectively). Baumgartner et al. (19) also compared their data to those reported in previous studies using college males (N = 116) (20), as well as non-offending fetishists (N = 24), sadomasochists (N = 34), and men with numerous sexual interests (N = 14) (15). The SOCs did not differ from college males on any subscales and reported lower Exploratory, Impersonal, and Sadomasochistic scores than the sadomasochistic and sexually variant males. However, they were unable to compare differences on the two child-related items.

Using a sample of 95 SOCs, Gannon et al. (21) examined differences between SOC subtypes (established by cluster analyzing data from a battery of measures). They identified five clusters, which they termed “Impulsive,” “Boy predators,” “Intimacy deficits,” “Generally antisocial,” and “Multiple dysfunction.” Discounting the “Multiple dysfunction” group due to a very small sample size (n = 4), it was found that, in contrast to the other groups, the “Boy predators” reported significantly higher scores on all WSFQ subscales, indicating higher levels of sexual fantasizing in general.

Other researchers have examined the WSFQ in relation to sexual recidivism in SOCs. Using an exploratory factor analysis with a sample of 495 SOCs, Allan et al. (22) found that the WSFQ subscales (pre-treatment) loaded on to a single factor. They labeled this factor “Sexual Interests,” stating that it “measures the strength of an offender’s sexual interest in terms of the frequency of their sexual fantasies” (p. 357). This factor, however, essentially represents the total WSFQ score and so does not provide any insight into the participants’ specific sexual interests. Nevertheless, this factor was found to be associated with sexual recidivism (Area Under the Curve; AUC = 0.72), suggesting that SOC’s frequency of fantasizing across an array of themes is predictive of sexual recidivism. A similar result was found by Stevens et al. (23) using a sample of 218 SOCs. Here, the same “Sexual Interests” factor (using WSFQ data) correlated with sexual recidivism, even after controlling for socially desirable responding (rpb = .24). In addition, Stevens et al. (23) found that each WSFQ subscale was significantly associated with sexual recidivism (rpb for Intimate = .15, Exploratory = .24, Impersonal = .19, Sadomasochistic = .18). Using the same dataset, Beggs and Grace (24) also found that positive change scores (following treatment) on the Sadomasochistic subscale were associated with reduced sexual recidivism (r = −.22).

Only a few studies have provided convergence data in terms of correlating the WSFQ with other indicators of deviant sexual interest. Using a sample of 302 sex offenders (type/s not specified), Seifert et al. (25) observed that the WSFQ total score strongly correlated with the sexual sensation-seeking and sexual compulsivity (r = .68 and .61, respectively). The WSFQ total also correlated strongly with the total score from a 90-item version of O’Donohue and Letourneau’s (26) Paraphilic Fantasy Questionnaire (r = .73) (27). Given that only the WSFQ total was used, a greater frequency of fantasizing across a range of themes is associated with sexual preoccupation (i.e., sexual compulsivity and sensation-seeking) and paraphilic sexual fantasies in general.

The link between fantasizing about sexual behaviors (e.g., sadomasochistic sexual fantasy themes) and objectively assessed offending behavior (e.g., sexualized aggression) in terms of construct validation has yet to be firmly established. This is rather surprising given the oft-described importance of sexual fantasies in forensic practice (28). This lack of research may be due to the range of issues pertaining to the study of sexual fantasies. For one, sexual fantasizing is a covert activity and is not externally identifiable outside of self-report. Moreover, from the point of view of someone who has offended, there may be little reward for being truthful about the content and use of one’s sexual fantasies in a forensic setting. They may even anticipate negative consequences for doing so (e.g., longer sentences, postsentence restrictions and requirements, stigma, physical violence threats from other inmates). As such, offenders are likely to have an understandable tendency for dissimulation. Accordingly, clinical subjective self-report data (e.g., WSFQ) may be of limited value in forensic assessments as they are easy to fake and may be biased by distorted self-perception and/or introspective abilities. This dissimulation hypothesis may be particularly true for sexual offenders whose behavior is (or was) driven by paraphilic interest compared to sexual offenders without an atypical sexual interest (i.e., those who offended because of a lack of more preferred sexual opportunities or general antisociality) (29).

As indicated above, there has been little validation of the WSFQ for use with SOCs. Most studies have primarily focused on the WSFQ subscales, have not accounted for sexual interest in children within comparison groups, and only examined its relationship with sexual offending behavior in terms of sexual recidivism. Thus, the aim of the present study was to further test the validity of the WSFQ for use with SOCs, taking into account the above issues. This goal was approached in three ways.

The first was to examine differential validity by comparing a sample of male SOCs with a sample of community males on the WSFQ subscales and child-related items. Recent findings indicate that some men from the general community report using sexual fantasies about children (30, 31), particularly those with a proclivity to engage in child sexual abuse (13). Therefore, we compared the SOCs with two subgroups of community men, namely, those reporting a sexual interest/proclivity for child sexual abuse, and those reporting no such interests. Based on Baumgartner et al. (19), it was hypothesized that SOCs would report using Intimate, Exploratory, and child-related sexual fantasies to a greater extent than community males with no sexual interest in children. We also predicted that SOCs would not differ from those with a sexual interest in children.

Second, we examined construct validity by correlating the WSFQ (i.e., its subscales and the two child-related items) with child-related and sadistic fantasies measured via another questionnaire designed to assess the use of offense-related sexual fantasies. It was hypothesized that, in terms of convergent validity, the Sadomasochistic subscale would positively correlate with sexual fantasies related to sexual sadism, while the child-related WSFQ items would correlate positively with sexual fantasies overtly involving children.

Third, construct validity was tested again. This was done by examining whether the WSFQ subscales and child-related items correlated with four behavioral themes identified in SOCs by Lehmann et al. (32) using crime scene data. These behavioral themes include a) Fixation (characterized by a persistent attraction to children), b) Regression [characterized by nonparaphilic sexual excitation and victim availability (e.g., in family setting) in response to intimacy deficits], (c) Criminality (where sexual abuse occurs in the context of generalized criminal behavior), and (d) Sexualized Aggression (characterized by offenses that involve overtly expressive aggression including behavioral indicators of sexual sadism). Accordingly, we hypothesized a positive relationship between the nonsexually deviant behavioral themes of Regression and Criminality and the normative and innocuous Intimate subscale. On the basis of the dissimulation hypothesis, we expected negative relationships between deviant behavioral themes (Fixation, Sexualized Aggression) and the WSFQ data.



The offender sample was composed of 54 male individuals who had sexually offended against a child (i.e., aged 13 and younger), recruited from a secure treatment facility in the state of Wisconsin in the USA. The ages ranged from 25 to 73 years (M = 46.9, SD = 10.2). The majority (87%) had only sexually offended against a child, with the remaining 13% having sexually offended against both a child and an adult. Fifty-two (96.30%) reported being “single,” with one participant reporting being in a relationship, and another not providing his relationship status. Of the 50 participants with available information, the majority (77.8%, n = 42) had undergone or were undergoing some form of psychological treatment for their offending behavior at the time of data collection.

The non-offending sample was composed of 101 community males, who were all recruited online. The age of the community sample ranged from 18 to 51 years (M = 25.01, SD = 6.80), with 12 preferring not to provide their age. Fifty-seven of the non-offending sample (56.4%) reported being a relationship, while 44 (43.6%) reported being single.


Sexual fantasy data for the SOC sample were initially collected as part of a larger, distinct project led by one of the first authors. This initial project was aimed at exploring new indirect measures of sexual interest in children and offense-supportive cognition (33). Offense-related data were also available in some of the participants’ case files (n = 37). This allowed crime scene behaviors to be coded in the current study (see below for details). Sexual fantasy data for the community sample were drawn from a distinct online project examining child-related sexual interests in community males (Henek and Bartels, in preparation). Data for this initial project were collected online (using Qualtrics) via various social media platforms and forums (e.g., Twitter, Reddit). Each participant completed a small battery of measures assessing sexual compulsivity, sexual functioning, sexual fantasies (using the WSFQ), and sexual interest in children. In the current study, only the WSFQ data were used (for the group difference analyses). The data regarding sexual interest in children were used to categorize the community males into two groups: those reporting no sexual interest in children and those reporting some sexual interest in children (see below).

Study Variables

Wilson Sex Fantasy Questionnaire (WSFQ) (14)

The WSFQ assesses how often people use 40 specific sexual fantasies. Each item is scored using a six-point scale (0 = Never, 5 = Regularly). The WSFQ is composed of four 10-item subscales: Exploratory (e.g., Sex with two other people), Intimate (e.g., Having intercourse with a loved partner), Impersonal (e.g., Watching others having sex), and Sadomasochistic (e.g., Whipping or spanking someone). Using the sample as a whole in the present study (N = 155), the WSFQ subscales showed acceptable to good levels of internal consistency: Impersonal (α = .68), Exploratory (α = .74), Sadomasochistic (α = .85), and Intimate (α = .87). The total score showed excellent internal consistency (α = .92).

Two specific sexual fantasy items were also of particular interest in this study. These were “Having sex with someone much younger than yourself” and “Seducing an innocent.” While these two items do not directly refer to children (e.g., a 50-year-old who fantasizes about a 25-year-old movie star may rate high on the former item), it has been argued that they involve “partners whose qualities could be seen as matching those of children (innocence and aged significantly younger)” (19, p. 28). We were additionally interested in the “Having incestuous sexual relations” item as it could reflect the offending behavior predominantly engaged in by SOC with a “regression” propensity (32). Please note that this item is rather vague and does not directly refer to children as well. Nonetheless, it was included given the exploratory nature of this part of the paper.

Thoughts and Fantasies Questionnaire

This is an unpublished questionnaire created by the third author for use in practice. It is designed to assess clients’ use of five specific deviant sexual fantasies during their time in treatment, namely, Abduction, Forcing, Children under 13 years, Children between 13 and 17 years old, and Sexual sadism. In addition, sexual fantasies involving the client’s past victim/s are also assessed. For each theme, a respondent first states whether they have experienced the sexual fantasy using a Yes/No format. If they respond with a “Yes,” they are required to answer a further set of open-ended questions (e.g., how often the fantasy was used, when it was last used, and how long it lasted). It also asks the respondent to write out the fantasy. In the present study, data from this measure were only available from the SOC sample.

The Interest in Child Molestation Scale (ICM) (34)

The ICM is a vignette-based self-report measure designed to assess community participants’ interest in sexual activity with children. The ICM is composed of five vignettes, each describing a hypothetical scenario of sexual activity with a child (age not specified). After reading each vignette, participants are required to report their level of sexual arousal, behavioral propensity (i.e., whether they would do the same), and general enjoyment. Each item is rated on a seven-point Likert scale (e.g., 1 = Not at all sexually aroused, 7 = Very strongly sexually aroused). Three of the vignettes involve low force and two involve high force. The ICM produces an overall score, a low-force subscale score, and a high-force subscale score. Previous studies using the ICM indicate that the low-force subscale is a particularly reliable and valid measure for assessing sexual interest in children in community samples (34, 35). On this basis, only the low-force subscale was administered to the community males in Henek and Bartels’ study (Henek and Bartels, in preparation). As there are nine items on the low-force subscale (rated on a Likert scale ranging from 1 to 7), the lowest possible score participants can obtain is 9 (i.e., no self-reported proclivity), with the highest possible score being 63.

In a study exploring pupillary responses as a method for assessing sexual interest, the ICM was used in a way to ensure that participants were solely interested in adults (36). Similarly, in the present study, the low-force subscale of the ICM (α = .82) was used to identify community males with a sexual interest in children (i.e., a score greater than 9). Of the 101 participants, 22 were identified as having some sexual interest in children (M = 14.55, SD = 5.60). These individuals were categorized as a “sexual interest in children” community group (C-SI), with the remaining 79 categorized as a “no sexual interest in children” community group (C-NSI).


The offense-related information present in the offender participants’ case files was independently coded by two research assistants. This involved coding for the presence of 39 crime scene behaviors using the coding scheme devised by Lehmann et al. (32). Of the 54 available case files, 37 provided specific details that could be sufficiently coded. To determine inter-rater reliability for each variable, Cohen’s κ was computed. For seven variables (i.e., victim masturbates, offender offers money, offender films/photos victim, longer offense, ritualistic behavior, offender humiliates victim, and offender drugged victim), κ could not be computed due to a lack of variance. These variables, however, had high percent agreement (range = 95%–100%). For seven variables (affection, fondle, offender makes promises, luring, offender makes sexual comment, searching, and offender not deterred), κ coefficients were low (<.45) (37). Nevertheless, the variables aforementioned were included on the basis of the high percent agreement (range = 82%–92%) and because they were needed to compute propensity scores in order to test the link between the WSFQ and crime scene behavior (see Supplementary Material for full details). The κ coefficients for the remaining variables ranged from .52 to 1.00 (median = .76). After these initial codings, the first author examined each case file independently in order to provide the final decision on whether the crime scene behavior was present or not. Finally, following Lehmann et al. (32), the “present” crime scene variables associated with each behavioral theme (i.e., Fixation, Regression, Criminality, and Aggression) were averaged. This resulted in a continuous Thematic Sum Score (TSS) for the four behavioral themes.


Differences between the SOC, C-SI, and C-NSI groups on each WSFQ variable were assessed using one-way MANOVAs. Also, since the SOC group were (on average) older than the two comparison groups, we examined whether any group effect on the two child-related WSFQ items were moderated by participant age. Next, in the SOC sample only, relationships between WSFQ variables and the child-related and sadistic themes of the Thoughts and Fantasies Questionnaire were examined using rank-biserial correlations (controlling for age). Finally, for those SOCs with available crime scene data (n = 37), Spearman’s Rho correlations (controlling for age) were run to explore whether scores on the WSFQ were associated with the TSS scores derived from crime scene data. Given the multiple correlations (i.e., 38), a Bonferroni correction was employed to adjust for the familywise error rate (α changed from .05 to .0013).


Differential Validity

A one-way, independent-samples MANOVA was used to compare the three groups (SOC vs. C-SI vs. C-NSI) on the four WSFQ subscales (i.e., Intimate, Exploratory, Impersonal, and Sadomasochistic). A significant multivariate main effect of Group was observed [Wilks’ λ = 0.69, F(8, 298) = 7.48, p < .001, ηp2 = 0.17]. As shown in Table 1, there was a significant main effect of Group for each WSFQ variable, except for Exploratory (p = .09). This lack of difference on the Exploratory subscale was in line with our hypothesis with respect to SOCs and C-SIs, but not SOCs and C-NSIs. Post hoc comparisons indicated that C-NSIs used Intimate fantasies significantly more so than SOCs (p = .001, d = 0.62). While this is counter to our hypothesis derived from Baumgartner et al.’s (19) findings, it is understandable that community males with no interest in children would report higher scores on this normative subscale. The lack of a difference between SOCs and C-SIs was, however, as expected. For Impersonal fantasies, C-SI had significantly greater scores than both the SOC (p = .001, d = 0.92) and C-NSI (p = .03, d = 0.65). The C-SIs also reported using Sadomasochistic fantasies more often than SOCs (p < .001, d = 1.17), as did the C-NSIs (p < .001, d = 1.08).

Table 1 Descriptive and inferential statistics for group differences on each Wilson Sex Fantasy Questionnaire (WSFQ) scale.

A second independent-samples MANOVA was conducted to examine group differences for the two specific WSFQ items of interest (i.e., “Having sex with someone much younger,” “Seducing an innocent”). There was a significant multivariate main effect of Group [Wilks’ λ = 0.88, F(4, 302) = 3.50, p = .001, ηp2 = 0.06]. A significant main effect was observed for both items (p’s < .01; see Table 2). Post hoc comparisons revealed that SOCs scored significantly higher than C-NSIs on “Sex with someone much younger” (p = .001, d = 0.67), as did C-SIs (p = .001, d = 0.82). For “Seducing an innocent,” SOCs reported marginally greater and non-negligible scores (based on effect size) than C-NSIs (p = .056, d = 0.44), while C-SIs reported significantly greater scores than C-NSIs (p = .02, d = 0.62). These findings were in line with our hypotheses.

Table 2 Descriptive and inferential statistics for group differences on child-related WSFQ items.

Given that the “child-related” WSFQ items do not actually explicitly refer to children (but rather youth and innocence), it is possible that the older participants interpreted them innocuously (e.g., in terms of a much younger adult). This could account for why SOCs scored high on these items, as they were significantly older than C-NSIs and C-SIs (both p’s < .001). Thus, to examine whether participant age had a moderating effect on the link between group and the item “Sex with someone much younger,” we used the PROCESS macro for SPSS (38). As there were three groups, the independent variable was specified as being multicategorical using indicator coding (39), with SOCs coded as the reference group. Age was found to have a significant moderating effect [ΔR2 = 0.07, F(2, 137) = 6.83, p = .002]. However, this was only in relation to the difference between SOCs and C-NSIs (b = .12, SE = .03, t = 3.60, p < .001), not between SOCs and C-SIs (b = .09, SE = .06, t = 1.62, p = .11). As shown in Figure 1, the conditional effects revealed that, at lower age levels (−1 SD below the mean), scores on the “Someone much younger” item were greater for SOCs than for C-NSIs (b = 1.51, SE = 0.61, t = 2.47, p = .02). There was no difference between the two groups at medium (mean) age levels (b = .06, SE = 0.44, t = 0.14, p = .87), but at higher age levels (+1 SD above the mean), C-NSIs showed greater scores on the item (b = 1.64, SE = 0.62, t = 2.64, p = .009). Conversely, the relationship between group and “Seducing an innocent” was found to not be moderated by participant age, ΔR2 = 0.005, F(2, 137) = 0.34, p = .71 (see Figure 2).

Figure 1 “Someone much younger than yourself” scores as a function of group and participant age.

Figure 2 “Seducing an innocent” scores as a function of group and participant age.

Construct Validity: Correlations Between Sexual Fantasy Measures

Data from both sexual fantasy measures were available for all SOCs. Rank-biserial correlations (controlling for age) between the WSFQ variables and the dichotomous responses on the Thoughts and Fantasies Questionnaire (TFQ) themes are presented in Table 3. As shown, only four correlations survived the Bonferroni correction for multiple testing. In line with our hypotheses, the Sadomasochistic subscale showed a positive relationship with the Sadistic theme of the TFQ (rrb = .46) (convergent validity), as did the Impersonal subscale to a stronger degree (rrb = .51). As expected, the Intimate subscale did not correlate with any of the examined TFQ themes (discriminant validity). Also as hypothesized, the “Sex with someone much younger” and “Seducing an innocent” WSFQ items both showed moderate-to-strong, positive correlations with the Child <13 TFQ theme (rrb = .43 and .48, respectively). No significant relationships were found between the single WSFQ items and the postpubescent (Child 13–17 years) TFQ theme.

Table 3 Rank-biserial correlations between sexual fantasy measures within the sexual offenders against children (SOC) sample, controlling for age.

Construct Validity: Relationship Between Sexual Fantasies and Behavioral Themes

Crime scene data and sexual fantasy data were available for 37 SOCs. Table 4 shows Spearman’s correlations (controlling for age) between the WSFQ variables and the four behavioral themes derived from crime scene information (i.e., TSS scores). None of the observed relationships were significant after applying the Bonferroni correction. Thus, we did not find support for the hypothesis that the nondeviant themes (Regression and Criminality) would correlate with the Intimate subscale. However, from looking at the size of the correlations, two relationships are worth noting (both of which were significant before corrections). First, the Intimate subscale showed a moderate negative relationship with the “Sexualized Aggression” TSS (rrho = −.34) and, in line with expectations, the Regression theme showed a moderate relationship with “Incestuous sexual relations” (rrho = .33). Also, in line with the dissimulation hypothesis, both behavioral themes indicating sexual deviance (Fixation and Sexualized Aggression) consistently showed negative relations with the WSFQ data (except between Fixation and the Sadomasochistic subscale).

Table 4 Spearman correlations between the WSFQ variables and Thematic Sum Scores, controlling for age.


The present study investigated the utility of the Wilson Sex Fantasy Questionnaire (WSFQ) in relation to its use with individuals who have sexually offended against children (SOC). Previous research using the WSFQ with SOC samples have 1) focused primarily on the broad subscales and total score (which provide no information about child-related sexual fantasy themes), 2) failed to account for sexual interest in children within the comparison group/s, and 3) focused on sexual recidivism, rather than specific offending behaviors. The present study aimed to take into account these three points.

Counter to our hypotheses, which were based on the findings of Baumgartner et al. (19), SOCs did not score higher than community males with no sexual interest in children (C-NSIs) on the Intimate and Exploratory subscales. Rather, C-NSIs scored higher than SOCs on the Intimate subscale. As predicted, SOCs and community males with a self-reported sexual interest in children (C-SIs) did not differ on these two subscales. In addition, SOC’s scores on the Sadomasochistic subscale were much lower than that reported by C-SIs and C-NSIs, while C-SIs reported using Impersonal sexual fantasies more frequently than both the SOCs and C-NSIs. These findings could suggest some level of dissimulation of sexual fantasies in SOCs compared to community males. However, SOCs have been found to score lower than sadomasochistic and sexually variant men on the Sadomasochistic subscale, as well as the Exploratory and Impersonal subscales (19). Thus, the community males in the present study may have been particularly sadomasochistic. Indeed, our C-NSI group had much higher scores on the Sadomasochistic subscale than the college males in Plaud and Bigwood’s (20) study (M = 12.76 vs. 4.9, respectively). Thus, it is possible that the present study used a biased (self-selected) community sample (i.e., one composed of sadistic and/or sexually variant individuals). However, as social desirability was not accounted for in this study, the dissimulation hypothesis cannot be discounted.

As hypothesized, the SOCs scored higher on the two child-related WSFQ items (“Seducing an innocent” and “Having sex with someone much younger than yourself”) than the C-NSI group, as did the C-SIs. These results provide partial support for Baumgartner et al.’s (19) proposition that these two WSFQ items assess fantasy content related to children.

It should be noted, however, that the difference between SOCs and C-NSIs for “Sex with someone much younger” was moderated by participant age. This reflected a relatively stable level of fantasy use in the SOCs, but an increase in use for the C-NSIs. Thus, at a younger age, SOCs scored higher than C-NSIs, while at an older age, C-NSIs scored higher than SOCs. A similar trend was also observed for C-SIs (see Figure 1). This highlights an issue with the ambiguous terminology for this particular item (40). That is, the phrase “someone much younger” can mean different things for younger and older individuals. For younger men, it may be more likely to be interpreted as “children,” which could account for why the SOCs (and C-SIs) scored greater than C-NSIs at a younger age. For older men, though, the item may be more likely be interpreted as a much younger adult.

In terms of convergence, correlational analyses (controlling for age) indicated that, within the SOC sample, the two child-related WSFQ items were most strongly associated with sexual fantasies about children under 13 years old (as measured by the Thoughts and Fantasies Questionnaire; TFQ). These findings provide further validation that these two items may tap a sexual interest in child-related characteristics. Other notable correlations were in relation to the Sadomasochistic and Impersonal subscales, both of which showed strong links with sexual fantasies about sadistic acts on the TFQ.

After correcting for multiple correlations, none of the relationships (controlling for age) were significant in relation to the behavioral themes derived from crime scene data. However, focusing on the size of the correlations, the Intimate subscale showed a moderate, negative association with the Sexualized Aggression theme (potentially attesting to discriminant validity). Also, the “Incestuous sexual relations” item showed a moderate positive correlation with the Regression theme. This aligns with Lehmann et al.’s (32) findings showing that the Regression theme was related to the closeness of the victim–offender relationship, indicating proximity to incestuous relations. However, despite the size of the correlations, it should be emphasized that they did not survive the conservative Bonferroni correction we applied. A clear pattern of relationships was observed, however, that suggested some level of dissimulation in the SOCs. That is, the deviant sexual fantasy TFQ themes were, overall, negatively related to deviant behavioral themes (albeit nonsignificantly). Thus, subjective self-report data may be of less value when assessing individuals in forensic contexts. Also, it is important to keep in mind that the SOC’s sexual fantasies were assessed many years after their initial offense had been committed, as well as after undergoing treatment for their deviant sexual fantasies and related factors.

Nevertheless, taken together, the current findings offer some implications for research and practice. First, “Seducing an innocent” and “Sex with someone much younger than yourself” from the WSFQ both substantially correlated with sexual fantasies about young children in SOCs and distinguished sexually deviant community males (and SOCs at younger ages) from those with no sexual interest in children. Joyal et al. (40) argued that these two items are ambiguous and so, on their adapted WSFQ, they removed “Seducing an innocent” and amended the latter to “Sex with someone much younger (legally) than me.” However, our findings suggest that these two items may reflect characteristics associated with children (i.e., “youth” and “innocence”), as suggested by Baumgartner et al. (19). It could be argued that individuals with a sexual interest in children may find these characteristics particularly appealing and, thus, incorporate them into their sexual fantasies (with fantasies involving children being the extreme manifestation of these characteristics). This is analogous to “dominance”—a characteristic associated (but not synonymous) with rape—that is sexually fantasized about by men who have sexually aggressed (41, 42). Taken together, researchers and clinicians may be able to use the “Seducing an innocent” and “Sex with someone much younger” WSFQ items as proxies for assessing child-related sexual fantasies, or as a means to identify the potential use of such fantasies. Arguably, this may be a more favorable approach, as items that overtly ask about fantasies involving children are likely to provoke faked responses. As our data suggest, however, it should be kept in mind that the ambiguity of the “Sex with someone much younger” item introduces issues for older respondents.

Second, this study highlights an important consideration for future comparative studies on the topic of SOC’s sexual fantasies. That is, a sexual interest in children should be taken into account when collecting data from comparison groups. This will allow researchers to either screen out those with an interest in children (providing a purer comparison group) or form two comparison groups based on the presence or absence of a sexual interest in children (as in this study). Failing to account for a sexual interest in children within comparison groups will likely lead to biased interpretations (e.g., about the target and/or comparison group, or the measure that is being tested).

Limitations and Future Research

In addition to potentially having recruited a biased online sample of community males, further limitations should be noted. First, other comparison groups could have been included, such as a group of nonsexual offenders or a sexual offender comparison group (e.g., rapists). If these groups were found to score lower on the child-related items, it would provide further validation of the WSFQ for use with SOC populations. Second, the majority of the SOC sample had received treatment for their offending behavior. Since treatment has been shown to significantly reduce scores on the Exploratory, Impersonal, and Sadomasochistic WSFQ subscales (43), it is possible that similar reductions had also occurred for many of the SOCs in this study. In spite of this possibility, the child-related items still correlated with the prepubescent child theme on the TFQ in SOCs. Third, most SOCs self-reported as being “single,” whereas many of the non-offender participants were in relationships. This may have affected the use of normative sexual fantasies, potentially accounting for why SOCs did not score higher than C-NSIs on the Intimate subscale. Fourth, it is important to note that social desirable responding was not accounted for. Thus, given the possible indication of dissimulation in this study, future research should include impression management measures to control for response biases.

Finally, the exploratory findings regarding the relationship between sexual fantasies and offending behavior must be interpreted with some caution. First, due to a lack of sufficient crime scene information, only data from a much smaller sample could be coded. A larger sample with more detailed crime scene information would have been more desirable. Second, the sexual fantasy data in this study were collected (often long) after the offending behavior had occurred. Therefore, it is possible that the SOCs had been fantasizing about behaviors and targets unrelated to their prior offending behavior (either due to treatment-related or age-related changes). Future research should consider using a sample of recently convicted SOCs or those at a pre-treatment stage.


The results of this study suggest that using the WSFQ with SOCs may be more useful than just assessing broad fantasy themes (via subscales). That is, two items (“Seducing an innocent” and “Sex with someone much younger”) contain characteristics associated with children. As such, they may be useful proxies for assessing child-related sexual fantasies for occasions when asking directly about children is problematic or particularly sensitive. However, given their vague terminology, issues with interpretation of these items (especially in older individuals) is something that should be carefully considered. The Sadomasochistic subscale also appears to be a valid means for assessing sadistic interests within SOCs. Further work is still needed regarding convergent validity (e.g., with other measures of sexual interest), predictive validity in relation to sexual recidivism, and differential validation (e.g., between SOC subtypes).

Ethics Statement

This specific study was carried out in accordance with the recommendations of the “British Psychological Society” guidelines and was approved by the School of Psychology Research Ethics Committee at the University of Lincoln. All participants tested in person provided written informed consent, while those who took part online provided informed consent by clicking the relevant response (i.e., “I Agree”).

Author Contributions

RB formulated the research question and designed the study, analyzed the data, and cowrote the article. RL formulated the research question and designed the study, helped with interpretation of the findings, and cowrote the article. DT provided important intellectual content and proofread the article.

Conflict of Interest Statement

The authors declare that the research was conducted in the absence of any commercial or financial relationships that could be construed as a potential conflict of interest.


  1. Some researchers have adapted the WSFQ by adding, removing, and/or amending items (17, 18). For the purposes of this paper, however, only studies using the original WSFQ are discussed.

Supplementary Material

The Supplementary Material for this article can be found online at: https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyt.2019.00206/full#supplementary-material


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When Does Fantasizing Become Unhealthy?

Have you ever drifted into a Fifty Shades of Grey-style sexual fantasy starring someone who is definitely not your partner? If you’re wondering whether fantasizing about someone else is standard behavior (and when doing so becomes unhealthy), ponder no more. The results are in: Most fantasies about sex are normal.

As psychotherapist Jennifer Freed, Ph.D. explains with sex coach Gigi Engle in Bustle, “Our imagination is polyamorous, and is the only part of our lives that is truly free.” When we fantasize, we’re able to explore our desires and attractions without acting on them in real life and potentially hurting our partners. In fact, psychologist Susan Krauss Whitbourne, Ph.D. says that those of us who imagine ourselves in bed with someone else have a personality trait called “openness to experience,” and are just more likely to think about sex in general. For obvious reasons, this quality can actually benefit your relationship.

Meet the Expert

  • Jennifer Freed, Ph.D. is a psychological astrologer and a social and emotional education trainer with more than 30 years of experience. She is the bestselling author of “Use Your Planets Wisely.”
  • Susan Krauss Whitbourne, Ph.D. is a professor emerita of psychological and brain sciences at the University of Massachusetts, Amherst, and an adjunct professor in the Department of Gerontology as well as a faculty fellow in the Institute of Gerontology at the University of Massachusetts, Boston.

Below, relationship experts explain how fantasizing about other people (yes, even someone you know) might actually be a good thing—along with a few signs that indicate when it’s quite the opposite.

Why We Fantasize

A reference article on fantasies in Psychology Today teaches us that “the human mind is sexual, creative, and exploratory, and fantasizing is one way [we] satisfy [our] sexual needs and wants.” Sexual fantasies are natural thoughts that allow us to enjoy total control and freedom—and there are many reasons why our thoughts might be filled with someone other than our S.O.

Even further, our minds are protected spaces where we can openly loosen and detach ourselves from social norms. It’s okay to get creative. “In our imagination[s], we are liberated from responsibility and constraint, and we have an outlet for the many parts of ourselves that cannot be safely expressed in real life,” says Freed.

Our imagination is polyamorous, and is the only part of our lives that is truly free.

Benefits of Fantasizing

Fantasizing is a healthy, instinctive byproduct of long-term couplings. While you may be wondering if your fantasies are a form of cheating, there’s likely no cause for concern. Daydreaming is nature’s way of adding sexual variety to monogamous relationships; it lets us imagine ourselves in roles we wouldn’t normally play. It also boosts sex drive, passion, and arousal.

A study on the topic found even more encouraging results: fantasies are good for sex. They positively relate to people’s urge to have intercourse—something many married couples say decreases as time goes on. Particularly for women, “The more sexual fantasies they have, the more sexual desire they experience,” the study noted in the American Association for the Advancement of Science.

If you find yourself fantasizing about someone else during sex with your partner, it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re bored with them or ready to call it quits. Per Psychology Today, “Having a sexual fantasy does not always, or even usually, mean that someone is planning to, or destined to, pursue it in real life.” Imagining a partner different from your usual sexual attraction, too, is no big deal.

Types of Fantasies

Psychologists maintain that there’s really no “normal” or “abnormal” behavior when it comes to the type of sexual fantasies we imagine. Rather, it’s whether these thoughts are commonly or rarely experienced. As it turns out, the thoughts and sex acts you might think were questionable—like extreme submission and domination, for example—aren’t considered rare or cause for alarm. Some fantasies are more typical for women than men, and vice versa.

“It should not be alarming, for example, for a lesbian to fantasize about sex with a man,” notes Psychology Today, “or for a dedicated monogamous partner to dream of group sex.” Asexual people also fantasize about sex, the publication adds.

It’s only the “pathological,” or sexually deviant fantasies, in particular, that send up red flags—and could be indicative of a serious mental disorder. Sex researcher Christian Joyal, Ph.D., clarifies that deviant fantasies “involve non-consenting partners, they include pain, or they are absolutely necessary in deriving satisfaction.”

Freed also points out that although dreaming about other people is natural, it can also happen as an outlet. It’s sometimes a sign that your current relationship is faltering. If you’re thinking about others when you’re feeling disconnected from your partner, it could signal that your romance is lacking something. “If you find yourself avoiding sexual vulnerability with your partner by consistently checking out with fantasies, it is time to get some help for your intimacy issues,” she suggests.

What Your Fantasies Mean

We know that sexual fantasies are usually just offshoots of our wandering minds. But why must we imagine ourselves in sexual situations with strangers, friends, acquaintances, movie stars—and just about everyone else under the sun—except our loving partners?

Back to that “openness to experience” concept: Instead of defining our sexual thoughts by the people we’ve imagined, it’s more important to consider what we’re fantasizing about. How does the subject matter relate, and what does that represent in a relationship? If you bring your imagination to bed, you may eventually replace fantasies of cheating with new ones that “enhance how you and your romantic partner experience shared moments of intimacy,” Krauss Whitbourne explains.

Being a good sexual partner means trying to understand the needs, wants, and feelings of the people we’re intimate with.

Krauss Whitbourne also believes that it’s most productive to reflect on the acts that prompt these fantasies. Allow yourself to explore them instead of fighting them off. Doing so can give you some new insight—and even share them with your partner to experience as a reality together.

It might seem embarrassing, but voicing our vulnerabilities and inner thoughts about sex can help foster a healthy relationship. As Engle notes, it’s important to let your S.O. feel they can express theirs, too. “Being a good sexual partner means trying to understand the needs, wants, and feelings of the people we’re intimate with. That calls for a lot of empathy flowing both ways.”

These thoughts aren’t unusual. And if we share them with our partners, we might even get to experience them in real life—so don’t stop daydreaming.

An Evolutionary Psychological Approach on JSTOR


The nature and frequency of men’s and women’s sexual fantasies were investigated by surveying 307 students (182 females, 125 males) at a California state university or junior college via a paper-and-pencil questionnaire. The questionnaire was inspired by modern evolutionary theory and was designed to investigate sex differences in sexual fantasies. Substantial sex differences were found in the salience of visual images, touching, context, personalization, emotion, partner variety, partner response, fantasizer response, and inward versus outward focus. These data, the scientific literature on sexual fantasy, the historically-stable contrasts between male-oriented pornography and female-oriented romance novels, the ethnographic record of human sexuality, and the ineluctable implications of an evolutionary perspective on our species, taken together, imply the existence of profound sex differences in sexual psychologies.

Journal Information

The Journal of Sex Research (JSR) is a scholarly journal devoted to the publication of articles relevant to the variety of disciplines involved in the scientific study of sexuality. JSR is designed to stimulate research and promote an interdisciplinary understanding.

Publisher Information

Building on two centuries’ experience, Taylor & Francis has grown rapidlyover the last two decades to become a leading international academic publisher.The Group publishes over 800 journals and over 1,800 new books each year, coveringa wide variety of subject areas and incorporating the journal imprints of Routledge,Carfax, Spon Press, Psychology Press, Martin Dunitz, and Taylor & Francis.Taylor & Francis is fully committed to the publication and dissemination of scholarly information of the highest quality, and today this remains the primary goal.

I’m a straight man but I am disturbed by my fantasy of being a woman having sex with a guy | Relationships

I am a straight man but sometimes I get turned on at the thought of being a woman performing a sex act with a man. I have no desire to change gender and it is more like watching a sexy scene for me – I don’t think I actually want to carry out the fantasy. It does disturb me that I think like this and I can get obsessively worried about it. I have had obsessive thoughts of all kinds in the past.

Many people are disturbed by their fantasies; the images can be embarrassing, repugnant, even unacceptably shocking. But it is perfectly common to have fantasies about sexual acts one has no intention of carrying out in reality. And our fantasies may contain scenes involving unlikely characters who are protagonists in scenarios that represent our deep desires – even if we do not recognise how. If you identify with the woman in your fantasy, it may simply be that you experience arousal when you are connected with the basic erotic concepts of the scene – for example, receiving penetration, being submissive and so on. Some men – gay or straight – like to role-play in vivo at being female and receiving penetration, domination or punishment by a man or woman. Experiment if you wish, but do try to accept that your fantasies are mysterious and private. You do not need to be concerned about them or share them with others. On the other hand, general obsessiveness can cause all kinds of problems in a person’s life. Consider seeking treatment for it, especially if you feel that your obsessions are negatively affecting you or others.

Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.

If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to [email protected] (please don’t send attachments). Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms

Top Dirty Desires Every Guy Has In Mind

Men fantasize about sex. A lot. But what are the sexual fantasies for men that make them go tight in their pants and weak in their knees?

Men and sexual fantasies are like fish and water. If you really want to know what makes a man tick in his pants, you need to understand his fantasies.

A man’s big black book of sexual fantasies keeps getting bigger, and his fantasies keep piling up all the time.

You may have your own fantasy too, a new one that you created just this morning.

Oh, you don’t fantasize? Right, and I’m the King of Timbuktu!

Sexual fantasies and men

All of us fantasize. Even those dorky people who don’t seem to care about anything but their own zit and the mop of hair on their head.

If men and women don’t fantasize, porn wouldn’t be a multi-billion dollar industry and Mills and Boon wouldn’t be such a best seller, would it?

So now that we’re all too familiar with the fact that men and women fantasize and accept that all of us do, let’s get straight to the well kept secrets of your partner’s mind and their sexual fantasies. And of course, knowing this is going to make sex oh-so-much fun!

A man’s black book of sexual fantasies

Men think a lot about sex, and fantasize to no end. All the way from rescuing nude damsels in distress from the evil warlord who dies with one stroke of the sword to being washed ashore on a faraway island inhibited by only women with no clothes but oyster shells, the see through ones, of course. But one man’s fantasy aside, take a peek into what all men like in bed, and their all biggest sexual fantasies.

#1 Threesomes!

Right there, spot on at the top, baby! A man loves to have a sexual threesome. And coming to think of it, I don’t know if there’s one man alive who doesn’t want to have a threesome. [Read: Threesome sex]

I’m sure even Adam was frustrated with the Big Guy because Eve wasn’t enough for him. Some men say they want to have sex with two women because they want to brag about it, but I don’t think that’s the truth. If it’s just a case of bragging, then they wouldn’t really want to fantasize about the sex. They would rather fantasize about the bragging part.

Men think a woman’s body is the best looking thing they’ve ever seen (don’t women say the same thing?), so seeing two girls all over each other in such close proximity is just way too haute, in a completely delightful sexual way! This is one thing all men like in bed, no exceptions!

#2 Prostitution

I don’t know too many men who have the coin purses to drive down a dark alley and pick a girl up. And even the ones who do want to do that are quite afraid, what with all the sexual diseases scare going on around us! [Read: Happy ending massage]

I know, I know, women think their man’s sexual fantasy of banging a hooker is disgusting, but come on, this is a man thing, and so women have just got to accept it.

Men run behind women almost all the time they’re awake, so when they are able to get laid a few minutes into the talk, sometimes even less, it’s thrilling. The man is officially the cheap man’s James Bond once he hooks a hooker. But when he doesn’t have what it takes to pick her up in the first place, he sexually fantasizes about the prostitute scenario. His girlfriend may very well be the prostitute in his fantasy!

#3 Role playing games

Men love role playing. It’s like getting to sleep with different women in different scenarios. If a guy’s girl isn’t too keen on playing a stewardess or an airhostess, all he has to do is imagine a sexual fantasy of role playing. If you’re wondering what men like in bed, bring out your nurse or cheerleader dress and watch the sheets rise in the middle faster than you can say boingg!

But men do like women who want to experiment. And thankfully, women like Christina Aguilera talk about role playing like it’s the best thing any woman can do, which of course, convinces most women to participate in it. Every man loves to role play. The ones who say they don’t, either had their mate dressed up like their perverted physical instructor, or haven’t experienced it yet! [Read: Sexual role play for beginners]

#4 Women who are off-limits

What men like in bed is a woman who is off limits. Men love what they can’t have. But they still try. And that’s why a few women call men ass wipes. I don’t know why, but men find the thought of hooking up with a woman who is off limits extremely attractive and arousing. [Read: Sex with an ex and How to get a girl with a boyfriend]

In reality, making out with these women may come with its own share of worries, but in their heads, boy, can men spin a tale! This sexual fantasy includes balling their friend’s wife, his girlfriend’s best friend or her flirty sister.

#5 Exotic locations

The lives of many men turn out to be quite boring, as the relationship wears on happily. Most of them stare at the same patch on the wall every single time they have sex with their woman. And for a few more unfortunate souls, there’s even a fixed time frame to have sex. Yikes! So what do men do?

They dream about making love at some other time of the day, in some other part of the house. And if their sexual fantasies are on a high, they drift away to some beach resort, a parking lot, or a club. When it comes to screwing a girl in his sexual fantasies, the world is definitely his oyster. But this is really great for the couple, his libido surges on a high if he’s having sex and thinking about that new spot he dreamt of earlier that day. [Read: Fun on the beach]

We’re just warming up here. Click here to continue reading about the complete list of top ten male fantasies.

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90,000 Most common sexual fantasies of men and women 90,001

The Journal of Sexual Medicine regularly publishes the results of surveys conducted on the Wilson’s Sex Fantasy Questionnaire in Quebec, Canada. Knife magazine collated the results of several studies and found out which sexual fantasies are most popular and how women’s desires differ from men’s.


mens fantasy

Do not monitor anything .Many men feel a high responsibility for a successful intercourse and forget to enjoy themselves. Therefore, one of the popular fantasies is to give all control over the process to a woman.

Sex with a stranger . About 70% of the men surveyed literally sleep and see how to sleep with a beautiful stranger, so that sex is great, and after that there is no commitment.

Participation in group sex . At the same time, we are not talking about other men participating in intercourse.They only fantasize about the number of women with whom you can sleep – the number here is not limited: the more girls, the better.

Make cunnilingus . About 80% of men dream of making their girlfriend cunnilingus – however, not all women agree to this.

See lesbian sex in life . Some men are convinced that any woman is ready to have same-sex sex under certain circumstances. The main thing here for the guy is to catch the moment and spy on the process.


Sex in the toilet . Well, either in the hospital, or right in the office. In general, men dream of intercourse in some new place – although such fantasies do not differ in the richness of possible locations.

Have sex with a woman you know, but not with your wife . Men dream of sleeping with someone other than their regular partner. The heroine can be anyone – a neighbor, a cleaner, a work colleague, or someone else from the “circle of acquaintances.”

Get a blowjob . Apparently, the sex life of many people is very chaste and old-fashioned, so that a significant number of men dream of a good blowjob – it will be enough to satisfy their desires.

Sex in a public place . In addition to the fact that men dream of having sex in an unusual place, they do not mind if the process itself is associated with some danger of being discovered. The idea that strangers will appear in a public place in the middle of intercourse excites men.


Women’s fantasies

Dominate in sex . Fantasies of men and women often converge – they should have talked to each other more to find out about it. So, men dream of trying not to control anything in sex, while women, on the contrary, would be happy to take on the role of a dominator.

In bed with a star . More than 52% of women would be happy to sleep with some attractive star – it is not only beauty that excites here, of course, but also the flair of fame that surrounds a partner.

BDSM . It is no coincidence that the story of Mr. Gray from “50 Shades of Gray” was so popular – women often imagine how they are addicted to bondage games and other BDSM practices.

Participation in an orgy . It is curious, but unlike men, in women’s group sex fantasies there are not only representatives of the opposite sex, but also girls. Women seem to be more open to experimentation.


Sex with strangers . And here the fantasies of men and women completely converge – women also dream of having casual sex with a mysterious, unfamiliar handsome man.

Use of sex gadgets . About 70% of women would like to use sex toys at their own discretion, and entrust their partner, for example, to control a vibrator.

Have oral sex . This fantasy applies to both blowjob and cunnilingus.It is interesting that in this the fantasies of women are similar to those of men – it is only unclear why all this remains only dreams, and does not come true, since both sides are not against it?

Making love in a romantic place . Yes, it’s true: an unusual but beautiful place excites most women. Sex on a mountainside, in a bedroom full of roses and candles, in a fragrant bathroom – in general, you can continue the list of suitable locations yourself.

Love teacher .An interesting fantasy: women would not mind having sex with an experienced “love teacher” who could explain from the heights of his wisdom how and what to do – as if sexual intercourse occurs for the first time.


90,000 TOP-6 most common sexual fantasies

14 August 2018 20:00
Anna Kondratyeva

Life is beautiful when there is variety in it: when one day is not like another, when each one contains some surprises. Sexual life is no exception to this rule.

It also should not be monotonous, giving way to experiments and fantasies. Actually, the question of sexual fantasy became interested in Harvard University psychologist Justin Lemiller. He conducted a study of our sexual fantasies with you and identified 6 of the most popular ones: those that will definitely interest both women and men. He was helped in this by 4,000 respondents.

Read alsoNamed three mistakes that can ruin sex

Sexual Fantasy # 1.Threesome

As many as 89% of the respondents fantasize about this topic and dream of bringing it to life. Sexologists argue that threesome sex is more often initiated by men who are attracted by the opportunity to openly enter into a relationship based only on physics. But married couples also think about it, faced with the so-called syndrome of marital boredom. It occurs approximately in the second or third year of marriage.

Sexual Fantasy No. 2. BDSM

BDSM is a very slippery topic.65% of the respondents thought about its implementation. For those who are slightly shocked even by the mention of BDSM, it will be useful to know that the three defining principles of such somewhat violent sex games are: safety, voluntariness and rationality. Before embodying such your sexual fantasy, you need to discuss with your partner all safety measures, conditions and preferences of each other. For this kind of sexual relationship – with domination and submission, this is especially important.

Read also Sergei Pritula told what he is ready to concede to his beloved wife

Sexual Fantasy No. 3.Same sex

Homosexuality is quite common. But it is interesting that people with a heterosexual orientation sometimes think about it. Women fantasize on this topic much more than men. According to the survey, 59% of women and 29% of men want to try same-sex sex.

Read also I wanted to kiss endlessly: Vika from “NeAngelov” opened up about love

Sexual fantasy No. 4. Sex in a public place

Such a sexual fantasy is more to the liking of women.Where exactly to translate it into reality – everyone decides for himself. It can be an elevator, a deserted beach, an office. In short, the place where passion caught you off guard. But do not forget about contraception and basic safety rules.

Sexual fantasy № 5. Free relations

There is a category of people who fantasize about intimacy with another person, but with the consent of their partner. Not everyone will go for it, but if you are ready to risk your own relationship, try it.

Read also The girl DiCaprio showed luxurious forms

Sexual Fantasy # 6. Meaningful Sex

This is one of the most harmless fantasies. It lies in the fact that a man and a woman during intimacy want to feel loved and desired. Quite explainable sexual fantasy, or more precisely, the desire to love and be loved.

Love and be loved, enjoy every day spent together, make your most secret sexual desires come true.By the way, the environment does not need to know about them. What remains outside the bedroom door is only your and your partner’s secret.

Sexual fantasies of women and men: three in a boat, not counting … ahem | Psychological trainings and online courses. System Vector Psychology

Sexual fantasies of men and women are a vowel and at the same time a closed topic, more voluminous and multifaceted than it might seem at first glance. What is the rationale behind the sexual fantasies of women and men? Should we talk about them with each other?

9 September 2012 at 03:24

Author of the publication:
Anna Kuzmuk, translator

Sexual fantasies of men and women are a vowel and at the same time a closed topic, more voluminous and multifaceted than it might seem at first glance.Women’s and men’s magazines give a lot of advice like “101 sex positions you will never use”, since they have no real practical application. Firstly, because they are given undifferentiated, and secondly, because people do not understand their desires, let alone the desires of a partner. And I’m not talking now about the notorious “deeper, tougher, softer, more”, but about the effective typology of human sexuality.

Do you want to speak the same language of passion with your partner? Understand what he wants not from the first, but from the second glance? Forget the stupid advice of sex therapists that partners should be relaxed and share their sexual fantasies with each other.And if your cherished dream is group sex with three blacks and one Chinese? And preferably in a city park or at least a cinema in the presence of a small group of spectators? And your faithful does not even want to change your sagging bed for a dining table, and, if you show up to him with such revelations, he will immediately get a heart attack or, what good, will he rip out a tuft of your hair?

What is the background of the sexual fantasies of women and men? Should we perform them or talk about them with each other?

Sexual fantasies of men and women: he, she and their psychologist

The sexual fantasies of each person, like his sexuality, on the one hand, are based on the strength of desire in his libido, and on the other, they are limited by culture, law and traditions.This creates strong pressure and manifests itself in a huge variety of human sexual behavior: from asexuality to manic states, perversions and orgies, from platonic love to passionate love, from tenderness to cruelty and masochism.

What are sexual fantasies? These are our unfulfilled desires.

System-vector psychology distinguishes eight vectors, of which four are lower: cutaneous, anal, urethral and muscular – and four upper ones: visual, sound, oral and olfactory.Each vector has desires and properties for the realization of these desires. We all experience happiness from the fulfillment of our desires and suffering from the lack of fulfillment.

When we talk about sexual attraction, we are talking ONLY about the lower vectors, where, unlike the upper ones, there is libido (sexual desire, life energy). Accordingly, there are four qualitatively different types of sexuality: urethral, ​​muscular, cutaneous and anal.

The upper vectors are vectors that set a certain direction of the libido of the lower vectors, they largely determine the characteristics of the sexual fantasies of men and women.

Any sexual fantasy is like a mental replenishment of really unfulfilled desires. The stronger the desire that is not being fulfilled, the greater the danger of becoming locked into sexual fantasy. They are in any vector, and in each vector they are different.

It is also necessary to clarify that there are much more sexual scenarios than types of sexuality, since the state of the vectors and their various mixtures in one person are also important here.

With all this, in general, it is clear that the sexual fantasies of the anal woman are fundamentally different from the sexual fantasies of the skin, and the sexual fantasies of the urethral man – from the sexual fantasies of the muscular.

Of course, any person will always dream about what he really lacks. After all, what is the point of mentally lusting for a busty mulatto, if this very mulatto, naked and ready-made, lies right in front of you?

Sexual fantasies of women and men: spanking or stroking, strength or tenderness?

Your hands are on my lips, your lips are on my chest … Burn me, touch again, we have so little night ahead …

Vectors are primary, but they are divided into masculine and feminine, therefore the sexual fantasies of men and women of the same vector may differ, but will still have a common root.

So, for example, the sexual fantasy of any, even the most developed and healthy, skin woman is to be taken by force (without the use of physical violence). She will contradict, shout “no, you can’t, you don’t have to,” taking pleasure in the very fact of a man’s disobedience to this prohibition. Naturally, the desired man.

This does not mean that we must immediately run to rape skin women. Indeed, in the case of them, there are two “no”: “no”, which is “no”, and “no”, which is “yes”.But their sexual partners may keep in mind that they don’t always have to ask permission, and sometimes it’s better not to.

The sexual fantasy of skin men, of course, is not taking them by force (although there may still be options), but often these are variations on the theme of threesome, four, ten men sex: for example, sex with lesbians as a dream of skin lawlessness. A skin woman may have the same sexual fantasy, only with two / three / ten men, while she may never realize it, but she will always dream about it.

Common for healthy skin men and women are sexual fantasies associated with restriction of freedom: tying, tying, handcuffs (it is possible with fur, so as not to damage the erogenous zone – the skin).

Just one gentle touch can bring a skinny to orgasm … Erotic massages, games with ice cubes on the stomach (wax and various oils also give a pleasant effect), stroking, groping, light spanking – everything related to touching the skin. The most sensitive places in dermal men and women are the nipples and the foreskin / clitoris … So do not skimp on oral sex for the skin or skin and do not forget about the gentle, teasing touch … Kisses of the neck, also of the back, especially the upper part of it, give an unforgettable sensation …

However, these sexual fantasies are not common to the vast majority of skin women and men.If we are talking about skin men and women beaten in childhood, they have a certain stable scenario, and they get pleasure from pain, here we are already talking about masochism. The skin vector is very adaptable to any situation. So in this case: if a child is assiduously beaten in childhood, he gradually “adapts” the pain, learning to get a kind of pleasure from it.

Such experience, not transferred to the sphere of the sexual, gives rise to the so-called scenario of failure (guess what this is about?).Masochism in social life will lead to unconscious falling into all kinds of situations that “hit” the welfare.

Remember that in this case, violence in bed with your skin partner is simply necessary. It’s not even that his sexual fantasies are the best traditions of BDSM and BDSM with submission, beatings and humiliation, but that by transferring a negative scenario to your bed, you remove it from social life.

So, a broken leatherworker will unconsciously try to get himself into trouble: be it a dismissal from work or a road accident with his participation.If you act out this negative scenario in bed through masochistic games, then his need for failure will go away by itself.

Fragment of the training “System-vector psychology” by Yuri Burlan:

Sexual Fantasies of Men and Women: Anal Sex, Caring and Sadism

To take it firmly, as it should … To the wall and behind, so that she knew who is the boss in the house …

Perhaps the sexuality of anal men is the most complex and voluminous, although in terms of sexual fantasies it is rather conservative and not too inventive.

The concepts of “clean” and “dirty” are closely related to the anal vector. A developed anal man will dream of a pure, immaculate virgin whom he will deprive him of her virginity on the marriage bed after she has said “no” to him ten times, and he himself, after two years of indecision, will finally gather to take the initiative.

Anal sex is the cornerstone of any anal male’s desires. The anal area is taboo and all the more desirable for an anal man. For him, penetration into a taboo zone means complete mastery of a woman.

For an anal man, “this place” is the most intimate, most dear, hence the sexual fantasies associated with anal sex. By the way, touching the anal area in men themselves (as well as in anal women) can also bring incredible pleasure, however, they rarely agree to such experiments due to natural homophobia.

In cases of deviations in the development of the anal vector, his sexual fantasies will be socially unacceptable: from the most brutal rapes with varying degrees of bullying and sadism to sex with men or children.The gaining popularity of sexual deviation, called “sexwife”, also has a direct connection with the negative states of the anal vector.

Modern conditions are too dynamic and changeable for the psyche of a person with an anal vector: they do not have time to adapt, therefore, in fact, there is always stress of varying strength, which he wants to compensate by sadistic in bed – to dominate the female, humiliate her, mix with dirt, with verbal nasty things, and sophisticated fantasies in the presence of upper vectors (especially vision and orality).Pulling by the hair, punching in the face and having anal sex – that’s all the sexual fantasies of an anal man of average development and average social and sexual frustrations for you.

Anal cleanliness and neatness at a certain level of unconscious homosexual attraction finds such a rationalization that sex with a woman is dirt. And a dirty business can only be done with a “dirty woman”. Will dream of having sex with a prostitute who can satisfy his most violent fantasies.

Anal women are sexually more flexible than anal men, however, more than half of them have an internal prohibition on anal sex (anal sexual phobia), which does not prevent her from dreaming about it in her fantasies.

Keep in mind that an anal woman must be approached with great care and meticulousness. Revealing her sexually is not easy, but possible. Therefore, do not demand anal sex from her right away (although in potential only she can get an orgasm from him), but liberate her gradually.And remember that her sexuality is slow, the desire accumulates slowly, so an anal woman in a marriage with a more or less decent period experiences much more sexual lust than one who is not in a relationship.

Sexual Fantasies of Men and Women: Burning Sunset by the Ocean

A marvelous short bliss of love seized him, burst into a golden flame, subsided and went out. He lay with closed eyes on the woman’s chest.Not a word was said. The woman lay still, gently stroking his hair, allowing him to slowly recover. (Hesse “Narcissus and Chrysostom”)

In the visual vector, sexual fantasies are special: bright, colorful, emotionally rich, lively, well suited to paper and pen, photo and script.

Spectators dream of “beautiful sex” with an ideal partner in great visual love. They understand this various “games” with light, prefer sex in the twilight of candles and the scent of roses … Imagine warm Indian nights, illuminated by the blue light of the moon, when you can soak up your loved one in warm sea water, and then make love until morning … Only they understand various degrees of body cover: from sexy underwear, panties that are not panties at all, to sexual arousal from an attribute of clothing or a detail of appearance.For example, they can selectively like only blondes or this scarf around the girl’s neck …

Sexual fantasies of visual men and women largely depend on the lower vectors and on the state of the visual vector itself. So, for example, a spectator in fear can dream of sex in a cemetery with some vampire or demon – her choice.

Various degrees of imaginary (and real) voyeurism and exhibitionism also apply to visual people. Whether to be naked in public and get pleasure from it, whether to admire your body in the mirror or the body of a partner, whether to spy on women in the locker room or watch movies stuffed with erotic scenes and enjoy watching them without masturbation – there are many options.

The greatest pleasure and the most coveted fantasy is sex with a loved one. Visual people, like no one else, are able to enjoy the emotional connection with a partner, even without experiencing an orgasm. In many ways, this is a stumbling block for developed visuals, who, having experienced physical pleasure without an emotional connection, feel emotional devastation and longing.

In the context of the visual vector, one can also speak not only about the sexual fantasies of women and men, but also about antisexual fantasies.Certain states of vision can result in aversion to “animal” sex. It was the spectators who invented platonic love.

Sexual fantasies of men and women: a norm or a deviation?

There is a separate layer of sexual fantasies that are not accepted by society due to deviations from social and medical norms. Sexual deviations, over the causes of which the gurus of psychology and psychiatry are fighting, is a fascinating topic and a few words must be said about it within the framework of the sexual fantasies of women and men.

In principle, exhibitionism and masochism are considered sexual deviations, so in each vector they are different. But the leader in deviations in sexual behavior is undoubtedly the sound vector. From the most sophisticated forms of fetishism and nymphomania to complete asexuality, lack of sexual desire and rejection of sex as a given of nature. Everything will depend on the state of the sound vector, the degree of its development, the depth of shortages and suffering and combinations with other vectors.

Muscular sexuality is monotonous, often without any sexual fantasies at all.A muscular man experiences greater sexual attraction “in war” than in peacetime, which is due to the peculiarities of the muscle vector. In various states, he also suffers from disorders in sexual behavior: bestiality, necrophilia, etc.

Sexual Fantasies of Men and Women: Understanding a Partner

Systemic thinking provides tremendous opportunities to reveal the desires, aspirations and sexual fantasies of another person, to get to know him as he knows himself or even better.

It must be remembered that sexual fantasies are a given, which is inherent in us by nature. For example, a flexible psyche is not in vain given to a skin person along with a small libido, which enjoys the novelty factor. It is this libido in the skin vector that leads to sexual fantasies involving more than one partner. This does not mean that a married couple, where one partner (or even both) is leather, should urgently enroll in a swingers club or arrange an orgy with the participation of neighbors.

You must understand that you do not need to realize every sexual fantasy, especially if it leads to a loss of intimacy. That is, intimacy is something that is for two, something intimate, those grains of happiness and attraction that you can experience only in a couple. The loss of intimacy through participation in orgies, even such desirable ones, will not bring you true sexual satisfaction, but, on the contrary, will lead to a greater number of sexual frustrations. Intimacy, a feeling of closeness and intimacy of what is happening between two loving people will lose its meaning: you will not only be unable to get physical pleasure from sex in a couple, but also emotional satisfaction from sex in general, and besides, you will lose the most cherished sexual fantasy that excites you.

Before you start group sex, think that the reality will probably be different from what you have in mind or dreamed of it.

Fragment of the training “System-vector psychology” by Yuri Burlan:

Most sexual fantasies can be realized in pairs, if desired. Unfortunately, as practice shows, getting along with each other is quite difficult, since in life no one WISHES to get along with anyone.

We all crush each other under our own truth, no one is an exception.

The urethralist wants all his sexual partners to easily accept his polygamy, and builds his arguments on this, rationalizing that it is so right, it is so in nature that he cannot and does not want to do otherwise.

Analnik subjugates the whole world under his monogamy, justice, honesty. He wants his anal truth like no other to firmly enter our life and become our morality, norm and dogma. And this makes it harder for the anal person to see that all this is dust, nothing, just subduing the world under its vector truth.

Kozhnik uses everyone for his own purposes, unscrupulously abandons partners and justifies this with his life “philosophy”, hiding behind it from the harsh condemning anal views.

We all crush each other in the way that is biochemically convenient for us. We deduce megatons of justifications and rationalizations for this, invent philosophies on this topic, and then we complain about the decaying society, the moral and moral degradation of everyone else (but not myself) and are surprised by the ever-increasing statistics of divorce.

A positive relationship in a couple can only be built on MUTUAL bestowal, when each family member from the very beginning cares primarily not about his own pleasure, but about the pleasure of the other, about the realization of his sexual fantasies before his own.

At the same time, you cannot take your sexual fantasies outside the couple: remember that marriage is always monogamous, only those relationships that are built exclusively on sexual bestowal can be polygamous. But there is always a way out, there would be a desire.For example, you can realize a skin fantasy about the factor of novelty without betrayal: a change of setting, scene of action, role-playing.

Knowledge of a partner’s sexual fantasies alone is not enough, you need to be able to find the strength in yourself to make a movement in the direction of caring for another, and not about yourself. There must be MUTUAL MOVEMENT towards each other, in one direction it does not work.

It is important to understand yourself and your partner, to accept him as he is, then you will feel dizzy from sex in a couple.Free online training will help you get closer to the desired happiness together. Register here.

Proofreader: Anna Katargina

Author of the publication:
Anna Kuzmuk, translator

The article was written based on the materials of the training “ System-vector psychology

90,000 Erotic fantasies of men and women: what is the difference?

“Sexologists have a fairly clear criterion for the pathological nature of fantasies: they cause pain, there are partners who have not given consent to sexual intercourse.Finally, these are fantasies, without which a person is unable to achieve sexual satisfaction. But if we go beyond these strict limits, which fantasies can be considered strange and unusual, and which ones are normal? After interviewing Canadians, we realized that the compilers of the DSM-5 [American Manual on Diagnosis and Statistics of Mental Disorders] are not far from the truth: erotic fantasies are clearly divided into rare (for example, golden shower) and widespread, “said study leader Christian Joyal ( Christian Joyal).

Most scientists studied sexual fantasies by interviewing university students, but the Canadian authors decided to take a more representative sample and therefore interviewed adult men (799) and women (718), residents of Quebec, whose average age was 30 years. The study participants filled out a questionnaire, indicating their sexual fantasies, and also described in detail one of them (their favorite).

It turned out that men have more erotic fantasies and they describe them more vividly than women.As for the latter, a very large group of them (30-60 percent) fantasize on topics related to sexual submission (in particular, bondage, spanking on the buttocks, forced sex). These data shed light on some socio-cultural phenomena of our time, for example, on the popularity of the book “Fifty Shades of Gray” among the female audience, Joyal noted.

However, unlike men, women very clearly share their fantasies and desires. After talking about their dreams, even of such extreme experiences as being raped by a stranger, they note that they would not like to realize it in real life.Men, on the other hand, usually want to fulfill their sexual fantasies in bed. As expected, women’s fantasies often feature their constant partner, while married men dream of sex outside of marriage much more.

“One of the most surprising results is the frequency of male fantasies such as sex with a shemale, anal sex between heterosexuals, and the observation of a man’s partner having sex with someone else. Evolutionary biology cannot explain the abundance of such fantasies.” – said the scientist.

90,000 Erotic fantasies: features of implementation in women and men

Realizing or not realizing your sexual fantasies is a very slippery question, which can become a stumbling block in relationships between partners. The main problem is that the erotic dreams of men differ significantly from the fantasies of women, and not only in their character, but also in the severity of the consequences … an eastern princess trapped in the harem of a powerful lord – or something like that.In short, for a woman, sexual fantasy is more often than not something impossible in real life, it is not what she expects. In most cases, women do not want their fantasies to come true at all, writes The Sun.

It is no secret that women often fantasize about rape, but this does not mean at all that they want to realize this secret idea of ​​theirs. Women find the idea of ​​rape sexual only because it helps them overcome their inner complexes.In addition, rape in the female representation has nothing to do with real rape, with all the pain, cruelty and humiliation.

Besides, unlike men, women prefer to hide their lustful thoughts from their partner. Even if their sexual dreams do not go beyond the bounds of decency, the ladies will keep silent about everything, so that, God forbid, they do not hurt the feelings of their lover and do not hint that he is bad in bed.

Thus, for the most part, women’s fantasies are harmless – they help ladies enjoy sex to the fullest and at the same time not feel guilty, no matter how vicious their hidden desires are…. besides, fantasies are just fantasies.

However, if a woman does share with her partner her erotic desires about hidden fantasies, an unpleasant embarrassment can occur, since men tend to treat fantasies of this kind differently. If you ask a representative of the stronger sex about his secret desires, he will most likely tell you about what he would really like to put into practice – if he dares, of course …

For men, everything is simpler and more mundane, their fantasies are not dreams of exotic situations, but rather a passionate desire to fulfill an unknown sexual technique, especially if the partner does not particularly like it.Talking about his fantasies, a true male will tell you about oral or anal sex, BDSM or sex with two women at the same time.

In most cases, making such fantasies come true, especially when the partner is against it, is a terrible mistake, because unlike people in dreams, real people are involved in their feelings and emotions. Involving someone else in a couple’s sex life, even if it’s just playing an erotic fantasy or threesome, can lead to dire consequences: jealousy, suspicion, and ultimately shame – which can ruin all the pleasure of sex in the future.

If you force your partner to try sadomasochistic games or some other perversion that is unpleasant for him, this proves that there is a deep, unresolved problem in your relationship. If you really love a person, you will not force him to do things that are unpleasant to him, even for your own pleasure.

If your partner demands that you fulfill his erotic fantasy, which is unpleasant for you, think carefully – maybe it’s still worth experimenting once.The main thing is that at the same time you do not experience pain and humiliation. Until you get to know your partner well enough, you should practice safe sex. As a last resort, try not to go to places where you cannot call for help. If your lover really cares about you, he will understand your concerns.

Naturally, you should not agree to participate in the fulfillment of erotic fantasies when you are tied up and gagged, blindfolded and put something on your head, unless, of course, you yourself do not want to, or if you already have long and trusting relationship with a partner.

Ultimately, serious conflicts over sexual fantasies are a relationship problem in general. Remember, your loving partner will never upset you by forcing you to participate in his erotic fantasies that you find disgusting or unpleasant.

Original translation on factnews

Read online “Sexual fantasies. What are men hiding? ”

Peter Hope

Sexual fantasies. What are men hiding?

Research on Male Sexual Fantasies

This book focuses on the sexual fantasies of men.

All that is hidden from women’s eyes, without concealment, will become available after reading the book.

I recommend it as a practical guide for women in order to better understand your man and use his secret fantasies and features for the benefit of both of you in sex.

In general, this book is a continuation of the study of the sexual preferences of my patients and just women who wanted to anonymously take part in the study. Based on the results of the previous research, the idea arose to study men’s fantasies.For support and help in this matter, I turned to my colleague and friend Nikolos Dixon, a practicing urologist.

Also in this work on the study of male fantasies, I was assisted by Augusta Kaufman (collecting personal data) and Olivia Brisquier (adapting the data obtained and confirming the astrological signs of men).

Together with Olivia, we have developed a formula for understanding male fantasies. So it was decided to take into account not only the sun sign of a man, but also more characteristic manifestations of the ascendant and signs filled with planets in the natal chart (stellium sign), as well as the position of Mars.

Therefore, it will only be a plus if you know a little astrology and can determine not only your man’s zodiac sign. It will be useful for you to find out his ascendant, because he also gives out his manifestations as the brightest – this is an indicator of personality, the very first thing that catches your eye when meeting a man. The nature of preferences is determined by Mars and the most planet-filled sign. All of this is important. But even if you only know the man’s birthday, this is also good, then focus on this information when reading the book.

The questionnaire, previously developed for the study of women’s fantasies, we adapted for the survey of men. And we conducted an anonymous survey, collecting data among the patients of Nikolos Dixon. The survey among his patients involved 267 men aged 21 to 78 years. Also, Augusta Kaufman, using an anonymous survey, collected information from men’s clubs and gyms. This is another 1,396 men.

A total of 1663 men were interviewed.

So it turned out to reveal the sexual preferences of men, taking into account their date of birth, erogenous zones, frequent fantasies and manifestations in sex, the choice of the scenario of relationships.

So, below you will be presented with the results obtained on the sexual preferences of men aged 21 to 82 years, belonging to different signs of the zodiac, mainly Caucasian and Negroid groups of nationalities.

Man – Aries

The main theme that strongly turns on Aries men is sadistic games in any form.

Aries is also active in the field of sex. Aries often does this quickly, even the second and third time he is very ardent and impetuous.During intercourse, Aries is so frantic that his partner may think that he will cum before orgasm.

He should be the first in everything, and it would be reasonable to assume that if he is aggressive in business, conversations, then he will be the same in bed. Aries is ruled by Mars – these are true warriors, they choose their own partner, and then hunt for her. The more difficult it is to get the object of desire, the better and more interesting for the Aries man. But sometimes, having received the desired woman and spending time with her, his ardor may fade away, and he will go in search of a new desired prey.

For women of such a man, with manifested fiery Mars, it is worth always being difficult to access. This will ignite a constant passion in him.

Men of this sign often express their emotions during intercourse, moans, curses. How Aries will behave during intercourse is impossible to predict, just as it is impossible to predict his behavior in general.

One thing is for sure – they want to be aggressive, straightforward, they want to be winners.

How to satisfy a ram man?

To attract such a man, you need to be inaccessible prey. And in order to satisfy him completely, one must provide him with an abundance of sex and the praise of his masculinity.

Aries love to be told flattering speech during intercourse. They also recognize diversity in sexual relationships, believing that nothing is outside the bounds of decency. They love sex at speed, driving, for example.

The soft color of the fire and the music excite them very much.

When Aries is threatened with nervous exhaustion, you can give your man a head massage and slowly engage him in sexual intercourse. He will appreciate it.

A man born under the sign of Aries is naturally energetic and aggressive. If you try to keep up with the pace he sets, you will fizzle out too quickly. Try to relax and you will have more pleasure.

Erogenous zones

The whole body, especially the head and face, are the erogenous zones of the male ram.

The most sensitive nerve endings in Aries are located on the head and face. Aries will respond to gentle stroking of the forehead or hair. You can comb them or just caress the top of your head. Swipe your finger across the Aries temple or the skin under the hair, and this will be the beginning of a sexual relationship.

Success is guaranteed for those who love ear biting. Aries man will start if you blow in his ear. The result can be achieved by biting the lip; from a gentle kiss on his closed eye, goose bumps will run down his back with pleasure.When dealing with an Aries man, slide your fingers along his lips and back in a closed circle. The effect will be exciting.

Sexual fantasies of a male ram

Master and slave.

“Saddle the filly”.

The more pain I inflict, the better.

The more partners and the more intense sex, the better.

Quick sex. Unexpected places for sex. Standing sex.

Sex and speed (in a moving car, for example).

Sex by the fire, fireplace.

If your lover was born under the sign of Aries, you can be sure that he is aggressive, energetic and tireless. He is a straightforward braggart. He may be impractical and impulsive, but he is imaginative and soon turns on.

We can say about him – “walking sex”, as he is very charismatic and has a lot of fans. He has a strong personality, intolerant of rules and conventions. Aries man will gladly have sexual intercourse on the roof of a car, in a racing boat, in a crowded bus!

You will get the pleasure you expect, and perhaps a little more than you are able to perceive.The Aries man is fickle, but he expects loyalty and fidelity from you.

He is attracted by active, impulsive women with sharp movements, with a thin physique, who love to argue and defend their own opinions.

Sexual stimulus – open fire by the fireplace, candle flame, hot meals served with fire.

The sign Aries rules the passions, and in sexual intoxication he is capable of absolutely anything.

Taurus Man

The main theme that turns on Taurus men a lot is discharge.Liquids.

Most Taurus do well sexually when they have a cozy home and family to relax and recharge.

Taurus men love the earthy, natural smells of their partner. They like the natural feromones that the body produces. But some of them go to extremes and are ready to literally smear themselves in the partner’s fluid, experiencing a pathological attraction to feces or urine. Also, men of this sign love oils, massages with oils, and sometimes jam.They can be food fetishists when their partner smears cakes and creams all over their bodies and licks them off.

Taurus behave incontinently during intercourse, often act under the influence of an impulse and, being a physically strong sign, one intercourse at a time is not enough for them.

How to satisfy a male Taurus?

Often Taurus men choose a passive role, expecting a woman to be active. If this is not the case in your couple, then the Taurus man will quickly find another woman who will please him in every possible way.

Since Taurus rules the second house, the house of money, his financial affairs strongly influence the sexual area of ​​his life. When a Taurus is solvent, he does not look at a beautiful female figure, and when money goes bad, sex becomes his madness.

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How do the sexual fantasies of men and women converge

It is believed that male and female sex preferences are very different. Often this point of view can be heard from the ladies.They say that representatives of the stronger sex are distinguished by more strange and “vulgar” requests. However, the latest research by scientists on this point suggests the opposite: there are more similarities in the sexual fantasies of ladies and gentlemen than it seems. We, together with Business Insider, tried to figure out this delicate topic.

One of the largest studies on this topic was carried out by the staff of the University of Montreal (Canada). Unlike their colleagues from other countries (similar tests were carried out before), Canadians invited more mature people as volunteers, not students.Thus, 799 women and 717 men under the age of 40 took part in the university study.

In their study, the scientists pursued two main goals: to identify the most bizarre sexual fantasies , and also to find a common in female and male responses.

Participants in the experiment had to fill out special questionnaires, in which they had to tell about any sexual fantasies that they had ever attended and, most importantly, rate them on a scale from 1 to 7 (depending on how strong emotions they called or not).

Strange fantasies

“As a rule, it is customary to single out the so-called pathological sexual fantasies from the general stream. They are most often associated with pain, violence, coercion of a partner, ”says lead author Christian Zhuya.

However, the test results showed that pathological fantasies were rare, much more often – just strange and unusual.

Below is a list of several of these responses, as reported by both men and women.

  • Sex with a stranger
  • Petting with a stranger in a public place
  • Sex without my consent
  • Sex with an animal
  • Sex with a person who is much older

At the same time, according to scientists, most women stated that they did not want to turn their unusual sexual fantasies into reality, while the men admitted that they would be happy if their dreams became reality.


While searching for similarities, scientists have identified two groups of 10 desires for men and women. The researchers tracked coincidences in half of the responses.

Similarities in the answers are marked in the tables with colored underlays.


In addition to specifying sexual desires in the questionnaire, which ever occurred to the participants in the experiment, they were asked to tell in detail about one of these fantasies. Having studied the spicy details of the respondents, the scientists made an interesting conclusion.