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How to make someone who is depressed feel better. Helping a Friend with Depression or Anxiety: A Comprehensive Guide

How can you support a friend who’s struggling with depression or anxiety? Discover practical tips to make a difference. Learn about the signs, offer a listening ear, and find ways to provide meaningful assistance.

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Understanding the Challenges of Depression and Anxiety

When a friend is experiencing depression or anxiety, it can be challenging to know how to best support them. These mental health conditions can manifest in various ways, and each person’s journey is unique. It’s important to understand the common symptoms associated with depression and anxiety to better recognize when your friend may be struggling.

Depression can lead to persistent feelings of sadness, emptiness, or hopelessness, as well as changes in sleep patterns, appetite, and energy levels. Individuals with depression may also experience a loss of interest in activities they once enjoyed and have difficulty concentrating or making decisions. Anxiety, on the other hand, can cause excessive worry, fear, and physical symptoms like rapid heartbeat, sweating, and muscle tension.

Educating Yourself About Your Friend’s Condition

The first step in helping a friend with depression or anxiety is to educate yourself about these mental health conditions. By understanding the signs and symptoms, you’ll be better equipped to recognize when your friend may be going through a difficult time and how you can offer support.

Encourage your friend to share resources or information about their specific experiences, as this can provide valuable insights. Additionally, research reputable mental health organizations and websites to learn more about effective coping strategies and available support services.

Creating a Safe Space for Open Communication

When approaching your friend about their mental health, it’s important to create a safe and supportive environment. Choose a time when you can have a private conversation, and make it clear that you’re there to listen without judgment. Avoid offering unsolicited advice or minimizing their feelings, as this can make them feel misunderstood or invalidated.

Instead, ask open-ended questions that allow your friend to express their thoughts and emotions freely. Validate their experience and let them know that you’re there to support them, not to fix their problems. Encourage them to share what they’re going through, and be a compassionate, non-judgmental listener.

Offering Practical and Emotional Support

In addition to providing a listening ear, there are practical ways you can support your friend with depression or anxiety. Offer to help with daily tasks, such as running errands, preparing meals, or accompanying them to appointments. This can alleviate some of the burden they may be feeling and help them focus on their well-being.

Encourage your friend to engage in self-care activities, such as exercise, mindfulness practices, or social activities. Suggest activities you can do together, like going for a walk or attending a support group meeting. Remember that the goal is to help your friend feel cared for and supported, not to solve their problems for them.

Encouraging Professional Help and Treatment

While your support as a friend is invaluable, it’s important to encourage your friend to seek professional help if they haven’t already. Suggest resources like therapists, counselors, or support groups that can provide specialized care and guidance. Offer to help them research options, make appointments, or attend sessions with them if they feel more comfortable.

Remind your friend that seeking professional help is a sign of strength, not weakness, and that it’s a crucial step in managing their mental health. Assure them that you’ll be there to support them throughout the process.

Practicing Self-Care and Setting Boundaries

While supporting a friend with depression or anxiety can be rewarding, it’s important to remember to take care of yourself as well. Caregiving can be emotionally draining, so make sure to prioritize your own well-being by setting boundaries, practicing self-care, and seeking support if needed.

Recognize when you need to step back or take a break, and don’t hesitate to seek help from mental health professionals or other trusted friends and family members. By taking care of yourself, you’ll be better equipped to provide ongoing support to your friend.

Celebrating Small Victories and Maintaining Hope

Recovery from depression and anxiety is a journey with ups and downs. Celebrate the small victories with your friend, such as them making it to a therapy appointment or engaging in a self-care activity. Remind them that progress isn’t always linear, and that setbacks are a normal part of the process.

Maintain hope and encourage your friend to keep going, even on the most challenging days. Your presence and unwavering support can make a significant difference in their journey towards healing and well-being.

6 ways to help a friend with depression or anxiety | Depression


 


If you want to be there for someone who’s dealing with depression or anxiety, you’re already being a great friend. It can be hard to know exactly how to help someone with depression or anxiety, and what to say to someone who’s having a rough time. Remember that each person is different, and while these tips are a guide, when helping a friend with depression or anxiety, it’s important to talk with your friend about what they feel they need.

1. Learn about what your friend is going through

Not totally sure what depression or anxiety are, or how to help a friend with depression or anxiety? A really great first step in helping your friend is to find out more about depression, anxiety or anything else your friend is going through – this will help you to better understand what’s happening and how they feel.

My friends try to learn more about what I’m experiencing, especially asking for and going to sources of information I recommend. – hellofriend (Forums User)

How do you know if your friend is going through a tough time?

Sometimes it’s hard to know the difference between the regular ups and downs of life, and mental health concerns like depression and anxiety. Someone experiencing mental health concerns might feel ashamed, and worried about how their friends might react if they talk about it.

Not everyone experiences depression or anxiety in the same way, and symptoms can vary; however, there are changes in the way a person going through a tough time acts that you can look out for. If your friend is experiencing depression, they might:

  • seem down or tearful a lot of the time, or cranky more often
  • stay up really late or sleep in a lot, or have problems with sleep
  • miss a lot of school, work or their regular activities
  • miss hangouts or often cancel at the last minute
  • eat more or less than usual
  • drink alcohol or take drugs more than usual
  • talk about feeling empty, tired or worthless
  • seem more pessimistic and hopeless, and like they have less energy in general.

Learn more about what depression is and to recognise the signs and symptoms.

If your friend is experiencing anxiety, they might:

  • be obsessed with details, such as being a perfectionist or wanting to plan things out thoroughly
  • have difficulty making decisions
  • avoid new people, situations or unfamiliar places
  • have trouble keeping to schedules or plans
  • seem disinterested, forgetful, distracted or scattered
  • have digestive issues
  • have a need to reassurance – about how you feel, whether plans make sense, triple checking times
  • have difficulty sleeping

Learn more about what anxiety is and how to recognise the symptoms.

2. Be open and welcoming, and listen

It can be hard to know what to say to a depressed or anxious friend. If your friend feels like talking, ask them how they’re going.

What to say when someone is depressed or anxious

You could start the conversation by asking questions such as: ‘It seems like things have been hard for you lately. What’s on your mind?’ and: ‘What can I do to help?’

Something I’ve learnt is to ask sincere, open-ended questions like, ‘How does this feel?’ So the other person can feel supported, comforted and safe, rather than being told what to do. – ayrc_1904 (Forums User)

When you want to bring up a sensitive issue with a friend, try to choose a time and place when you’re both comfortable, relaxed and there’s some privacy. Don’t push them if they don’t want to talk, and be there for them if they become upset. You might not have an answer or a solution, but just being there to listen can be super helpful.

It might be difficult for your friend to accept your help – continue to check in with them and let them know that you care about them, and that you’re there for them if they need you.

3. Take their feelings seriously

If someone is living with a mental health concern, it isn’t possible for them just to ‘snap out of it’, ‘cheer up’ or ‘forget about it’. Acknowledge that what’s happening must be difficult to handle; don’t tell them that their feelings are weird or unfounded.

Try not to approach your friend like they’re a patient or someone who needs to be fixed…this might make them feel embarrassed and belittled, and can make them close themselves off to you. – Anzelmo (Forums User)

If you’re not sure how to help someone with depression or anxiety, ask them. You could also offer them some options and let them choose what suits them best. For example, you could offer to listen and let them express their thoughts, or just to hang out, without serious conversation.

Try to be caring, compassionate and curious, and let them know that they matter to you and you are taking them seriously.

4. Help them to find support

Your friend might not be aware of what professional support options are available, or they may be unsure of how to get support. Even if they know about support options, it can be daunting to see a health professional.

You can offer support by encouraging your friend to speak to a health professional or an adult they trust. You could offer to join them for the conversation if they want, or even ask if they’d like you to book the appointment if it’s with a professional. A GP can organise a mental health care plan for them if needed. This means that your friend will get a referral to a psychologist or other professional. They’ll also get Medicare-subsidised sessions – getting help doesn’t have to mean they have to fork out hundreds of dollars.

Not everyone is ready to see somebody face-to-face. You could recommend hotlines or online chat-based helplines. The ReachOut NextStep tool can also provide tailored support options so they can make their own plan. Here are some support services they could use, and some more information about getting professional support for depression and anxiety.

If they’re not able to seek help on their own, ask for their permission to talk to an adult they trust on their behalf. If they refuse, and you’re still really concerned, consider talking to an adult you trust, such as a teacher, parent or school counsellor.

5. Continue supporting them and respond to emergencies

On a bad day, your friend might not want to leave their room. If they say something like ‘I’m going to cancel my appointment today’, encourage them to follow through with the appointment.

Whether or not your friend has decided to get professional help, it’s important that they know they can get support from you, or other friends and family.

If you think your friend may be in danger or at risk of hurting themselves or someone else, seek help from a trusted adult or emergency mental health service immediately. Call 000 to reach emergency services and also tell someone you trust.

In more serious cases, it’s important to let an older/more responsible adult know what’s going on. You don’t have to be perfect all the time and making mistakes are inevitable and a good thing as we can learn from them. – Anzelmo (Forums User)

6. Celebrate their successes

When you’re going through a tough time, it can be hard to recognise and acknowledge your own achievements. It’s also hard to see your own progress and improvement. When your friend takes a step towards confronting their fears or improving their wellbeing, congratulate them and do something fun together. Help them feel proud of themselves.

Something that has really helped me in the past is to make sure to do fun things with my friend, rather than making every interaction about trying to solve what I’m going through. – WheresMySquishy (Forums User)

Take care of yourself!

It can be pretty scary and intense to see someone you care about experiencing depression or anxiety. You can be there for your friend, but it’s equally important to do things that keep you well. By taking care of yourself, you’ll be in a better place mentally and physically, and this allows you to better support the people around you.

Remember to do the following to make sure your own wellbeing is looked after:

  • Monitor your mood. You might be really worried about your friend, but it’s important that you also monitor your own mood and stress levels. This could include rating your mood out of ten each day, to track how you’re doing.
  • Don’t give up the things you enjoy. Always make sure you’ve got the time to do your favourite things.
  • Make time to relax. Relaxation is great for helping you to unwind and deal with stress.
  • Set boundaries. You aren’t going to be able to be there for your friend all of the time. Set some limits around what you’re willing, and not willing, to do. For example, you might decide not to take any phone calls in the middle of the night, or not to miss social events just because your friend isn’t up to going.
  • Ask for support. It’s important that you’re getting your own emotional support. Talk to people you trust about how you’re feeling.

What can I do now?

  • Find out more about what to do if your friend doesn’t want help.
  • Set aside some regular time to look after yourself.
  • Read more about depression or anxiety.

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Helping friends
Depression
Anxiety
Relationships
Article
Helping a friend

Helping Someone with Depression – HelpGuide.org

How can I help someone with depression?

Depression is a serious but treatable disorder that affects millions of people, from young to old and from all walks of life. It gets in the way of everyday life, causing tremendous pain, hurting not just those suffering from it but also impacting everyone around them.

If someone you love is depressed, you may be experiencing any number of difficult emotions, including helplessness, frustration, anger, fear, guilt, and sadness. These feelings are all normal. It’s not easy dealing with a friend or family member’s depression. And if you neglect your own health, it can become overwhelming.

That said, your companionship and support can be crucial to your loved one’s recovery. You can help them to cope with depression symptoms, overcome negative thoughts, and regain their energy, optimism, and enjoyment of life. Start by learning all you can about depression and how to best talk about it with your friend or family member. But as you reach out, don’t forget to look after your own emotional health—you’ll need it to provide the full support your loved one needs.

Understanding depression in a friend or family member

Depression is a serious condition. Don’t underestimate the seriousness of depression. Depression drains a person’s energy, optimism, and motivation. Your depressed loved one can’t just “snap out of it” by sheer force of will.

The symptoms of depression aren’t personal. Depression makes it difficult for a person to connect on a deep emotional level with anyone, even the people they love the most. It’s also common for depressed people to say hurtful things and lash out in anger. Remember that this is the depression talking, not your loved one, so try not to take it personally.

Hiding the problem won’t make it go away. It doesn’t help anyone involved if you try making excuses, covering up the problem, or lying for a friend or family member who is depressed. In fact, this may keep the depressed person from seeking treatment.

Your loved one isn’t lazy or unmotivated. When you’re suffering from depression, just thinking about doing the things that may help you to feel better can seem exhausting or impossible to put into action. Have patience as you encourage your loved one to take the first small steps to recovery.

You can’t “fix” someone else’s depression. As much as you may want to, you can’t rescue someone from depression nor fix the problem for them. You’re not to blame for your loved one’s depression or responsible for their happiness (or lack thereof). While you can offer love and support, ultimately recovery is in the hands of the depressed person.

Recognizing depression symptoms in a loved one

Family and friends are often the first line of defense in the fight against depression. That’s why it’s important to understand the signs and symptoms of depression. You may notice the problem in a depressed loved one before they do, and your influence and concern can motivate them to seek help.

Be concerned if your loved one: 

Doesn’t seem to care about anything anymore. Has lost interest in work, sex, hobbies, and other pleasurable activities. Has withdrawn from friends, family, and other social activities.

Expresses a bleak or negative outlook on life. Is uncharacteristically sad, irritable, short-tempered, critical, or moody; talks about feeling “helpless” or “hopeless.”

Frequently complains of aches and pains such as headaches, stomach problems, and back pain. Or complains of feeling tired and drained all the time.

Sleeps less than usual or oversleeps. Has become indecisive, forgetful, disorganized, and “out of it.”

Eats more or less than usual, and has recently gained or lost weight.

Drinks more or abuses drugs, including prescription sleeping pills and painkillers, as a way to self-medicate how they’re feeling.

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How to talk to someone about depression

Sometimes it is hard to know what to say when speaking to someone about depression. You might fear that if you bring up your worries the person will get angry, feel insulted, or ignore your concerns. You may be unsure what questions to ask or how to be supportive.

If you don’t know where to start, the following suggestions may help. But remember that being a compassionate listener is much more important than giving advice. You don’t have to try to “fix” your friend or family member; you just have to be a good listener. Often, the simple act of talking face to face can be an enormous help to someone suffering from depression. Encourage the depressed person to talk about their feelings, and be willing to listen without judgment.

Don’t expect a single conversation to be the end of it. Depressed people tend to withdraw from others and isolate themselves. You may need to express your concern and willingness to listen over and over again. Be gentle, yet persistent.

Starting the conversation

Finding a way to start a conversation about depression with your loved one is always the hardest part. You could try saying:

  • “I have been feeling concerned about you lately.”
  • “Recently, I have noticed some differences in you and wondered how you are doing.”
  • “I wanted to check in with you because you have seemed pretty down lately.”

Once you’re talking, you can ask questions such as:

  • “When did you begin feeling like this?”
  • “Did something happen that made you start feeling this way?”
  • “How can I best support you right now?”
  • “Have you thought about getting help?”

Remember, being supportive involves offering encouragement and hope. Very often, this is a matter of talking to the person in language that they will understand and can respond to while in a depressed state of mind.

What you CAN say that helps:

  • “You’re not alone. I’m here for you during this tough time.”
  • “It may be hard to believe right now, but the way you’re feeling will change.”
  • “Please tell me what I can do now to help you.”
  • “Even if I’m not able to understand exactly how you feel, I care about you and want to help.”
  • “You’re important to me. Your life is important to me.”
  • “When you want to give up, tell yourself you will hold on for just one more day, hour, or minute—whatever you can manage.”

What you should AVOID saying:

  • “This is all in your head”
  • “Everyone goes through tough times.”
  • “Try to look on the bright side.”
  • “Why do you want to die when you have so much to live for?”
  • “I can’t do anything about your situation.”
  • “Just snap out of it.
  • “You should be feeling better by now.”

The risk of suicide is real

It may be hard to believe that the person you know and love would ever consider something as drastic as suicide, but a depressed person may not see any other way out. Depression clouds judgment and distorts thinking, causing a normally rational person to believe that death is the only way to end the pain they’re feeling.

Since suicide is a very real danger when someone is depressed, it’s important to know the warning signs:

  • Talking about suicide, dying, or harming oneself; a preoccupation with death
  • Expressing feelings of hopelessness or self-hate
  • Acting in dangerous or self-destructive ways
  • Getting affairs in order and saying goodbye
  • Seeking out pills, weapons, or other lethal objects
  • A sudden sense of calm after depression

If you think a friend or family member might be considering suicide, don’t wait, talk to them about your concerns. Many people feel uncomfortable bringing up the topic but it is one of the best things you can do for someone who is thinking about suicide. Talking openly about suicidal thoughts and feelings can save a person’s life, so speak up if you’re concerned and seek professional help immediately!

Encouraging the person to get help

While you can’t control someone else’s recovery from depression, you can start by encouraging the depressed person to seek help. Getting a depressed person into treatment can be difficult. Depression saps energy and motivation, so even the act of making an appointment or finding a doctor can seem daunting to your loved one. Depression also involves negative ways of thinking. The depressed person may believe that the situation is hopeless and treatment pointless.

Because of these obstacles, getting your loved one to admit to the problem—and helping them see that it can be solved—is an essential step in depression recovery.

If your friend or family member resists getting help:

Suggest a general check-up with a physician. Your loved one may be less anxious about seeing a family doctor than a mental health professional. A regular doctor’s visit is actually a great option, since the doctor can rule out medical causes of depression. If the doctor diagnoses depression, they can refer your loved one to a psychiatrist or psychologist. Sometimes, this “professional” opinion makes all the difference.

Offer to help the depressed person find a doctor or therapist and go with them on the first visit. Finding the right treatment provider can be difficult, and is often a trial-and-error process. For a depressed person already low on energy, it is a huge help to have assistance making calls and looking into the options.

Encourage your loved one to make a thorough list of symptoms and ailments to discuss with the doctor. You can even bring up things that you have noticed as an outside observer, such as, “You seem to feel much worse in the mornings,” or “You always get stomach pains before work.

Supporting your loved one’s treatment

One of the most important things you can do to help a friend or relative with depression is to give your unconditional love and support throughout the treatment process. This involves being compassionate and patient, which is not always easy when dealing with the negativity, hostility, and moodiness that go hand in hand with depression.

Provide whatever assistance the person needs (and is willing to accept). Help your loved one make and keep appointments, research treatment options, and stay on schedule with any treatment prescribed.

Have realistic expectations. It can be frustrating to watch a depressed friend or family member struggle, especially if progress is slow or stalled. Having patience is important. Even with optimal treatment, recovery from depression doesn’t happen overnight.

Lead by example. Encourage the person to lead a healthier, mood-boosting lifestyle by doing it yourself: maintain a positive outlook, eat better, avoid alcohol and drugs, exercise, and lean on others for support.

Encourage activity. Invite your loved one to join you in uplifting activities, like going to a funny movie or having dinner at a favorite restaurant. Exercise is especially helpful, so try to get your depressed loved one moving. Going on walks together is one of the easiest options. Be gently and lovingly persistent—don’t get discouraged or stop asking.

Pitch in when possible. Seemingly small tasks can be very hard for someone with depression to manage. Offer to help out with household responsibilities or chores, but only do what you can without getting burned out yourself!

Taking care of yourself

There’s a natural impulse to want to fix the problems of people we care about, but you can’t control someone else’s depression. You can, however, control how well you take care of yourself. It’s just as important for you to stay healthy as it is for the depressed person to get treatment, so make your own well-being a priority.

Remember the advice of airline flight attendants: put on your own oxygen mask before you assist anyone else. In other words, make sure your own health and happiness are solid before you try to help someone who is depressed. You won’t do your friend or family member any good if you collapse under the pressure of trying to help. When your own needs are taken care of, you’ll have the energy you need to lend a helping hand.

Speak up for yourself. You may be hesitant to speak out when the depressed person in your life upsets you or lets you down. However, honest communication will actually help the relationship in the long run. If you’re suffering in silence and letting resentment build, your loved one will pick up on these negative emotions and feel even worse. Gently talk about how you’re feeling before pent-up emotions make it too hard to communicate with sensitivity.

Set boundaries. Of course you want to help, but you can only do so much. Your own health will suffer if you let your life be controlled by your loved one’s depression. You can’t be a caretaker round the clock without paying a psychological price. To avoid burnout and resentment, set clear limits on what you are willing and able to do. You are not your loved one’s therapist, so don’t take on that responsibility.

Stay on track with your own life. While some changes in your daily routine may be unavoidable while caring for your friend or relative, do your best to keep appointments and plans with friends. If your depressed loved one is unable to go on an outing or trip you had planned, ask a friend to join you instead.

Seek support. You are NOT betraying your depressed relative or friend by turning to others for support. Joining a support group, talking to a counselor or clergyman, or confiding in a trusted friend will help you get through this tough time. You don’t need to go into detail about your loved one’s depression or betray confidences; instead focus on your emotions and what you are feeling. Make sure you can be totally honest with the person you turn to—choose someone who will listen without interruption and without judging you.

Depression support, suicide prevention help
Depression support
  • In the U.S.

    Find DBSA Chapters/Support Groups or call the NAMI Helpline for support and referrals at 1-800-950-6264

  • UK

    Find Depression support groups in-person and online or call the Mind Infoline at 0300 123 3393

  • Australia

    Call the SANE Help Centre at 1800 18 7263

  • Canada

    Call Mood Disorders Society of Canada at 519-824-5565

  • India

    Call the Vandrevala Foundation Helpline (India) at 1860 2662 345 or 1800 2333 330

Suicide prevention help
  • In the U. S.

    Call 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988

  • UK and Ireland

    Call Samaritans UK at 116 123

  • Australia

    Call Lifeline Australia at 13 11 14

  • Other countries

    Visit IASP or Suicide.org to find a helpline near you

Last updated or reviewed on February 24, 2023

What to do if a loved one is depressed: a psychologist explains

Reason and feelings

Adriana Imzh

December 14, 2016 14:31

Afisha Daily continues to ask for advice from the psychotherapist Adriana Imzh. This time we figure out how to behave if your friend, relative or loved one is depressed: is it worth feeling guilty for what is happening, will support and participation help him, and what to do if you are angry with him.

Writer Ella Derzai, when reading psychological materials on this topic, suggested replacing the word “depression” with the word “leprosy” – simply because many journalists do not try to figure out the meaning of this word. It seems to me that this approach well illustrates the difficulties of getting the name of the disease beyond the boundaries of psychiatry (when the word begins to denote a number of things that have nothing to do with the original problem). Imagine materials like “Ten Hot Drinks for Leprosy” or “How to Avoid Winter Leprosy?”

So what is depression? Depression is very different.

First, there are three levels of depression—mild, moderate (clinical), and severe (chronic). Mild depression usually goes away on its own in 2-3 months, medium depression can go away on its own or turn into severe depression, if it goes away on its own, then in six months to a year. As a rule, mild and moderate depression can be treated with a psychologist without the use of drugs, but with the use they are faster and easier.

You can no longer confuse severe depression with spleen: a person has a difficult time when he takes great care of himself, including in the sense of hygiene, it is difficult for him to get up, wash dishes, brush his teeth, clean the apartment, leave the house . In very bad situations, he forgets to eat and may die of hunger.

There is a masked depression – this is a depression in which a person is overly cheerful and constantly busy with something so as not to feel how bad he is, how tired and sad he is. This usually leads to a breakdown and the transition of depression to a severe stage.

Depressions are also of different types according to sensations. For example, asthenic depression is a severe loss of a resource due to (usually) heavy workloads and stress. It is characterized by an unpleasant feeling of a weight hanging from you, an inability to rejoice (you wake up in the morning – and it feels like you just worked two shifts in the mine).

Anasthenic depression, or depression with derealization, is characterized by a feeling that the world is not real, the walls are cardboard, the view outside the window is painted, feelings have died out forever, the world has frozen. This type of depression can also accompany more severe mental diagnoses, such as schizophrenia. Also, depression can be with bipolar disorder – and in the other pole, a person is cheerful and full of energy.

Depression can be caused by a hormonal imbalance after childbirth or due to menopause and aging (in a number of modern countries, antidepressants are automatically prescribed for older people). Such depressions include, for example, postpartum depression.

Endogenous depression is caused by internal biochemical processes in the body, usually leads to lifelong medication, because the body is simply not able (or has lost this ability) to produce the necessary substances on its own. Sometimes – very rarely – such depression leads to such severe conditions that it may be the basis for euthanasia in countries where this is possible.

Atypical depression is usually accompanied by a number of other symptoms that are uncharacteristic of ordinary depression, such as severe anxiety, increased appetite (usually in patients before taking antidepressants, their appetite is just reduced), severe somatic pain.

Depression also differs in causes. Psychogenic depression is caused by severe stress, and psychotypical depression is caused by a predisposition of the nervous system and head injuries.

Also, depression can be childish and adolescent (in this category of patients, it usually occurs as a result of severe trauma – a terrible divorce of parents, school bullying, natural or man-made disasters, wars).

This is our set – quite diverse in terms of reasons, ages, statuses and manifestations.

Finding recommendations for relatives of all patients with depression is quite difficult. Therefore, it is probably worth starting with an understanding of what kind of depression your loved one has, how long it lasts and what is needed for it to pass.

For example, with asthenic and psychogenic, as well as with childhood and adolescent depression, rest and recovery, love and support of loved ones, hope – hope is very necessary – and faith in a brighter future. Over time, the body will recover itself. And while he is recovering, in general, the approach is the same as with a severe flu – remind him to take pills, hold his hand, stroke his head and sympathize with what is happening.

In more severe cases, care is very much needed: people in this state really find it difficult to do even household chores, and when taking antidepressants, when the body begins to recover, drowsiness also increases (and, as a rule, libido is depressed). Therefore, such things as many hours of sex, extreme sports, a trip to Burma for a week, snowball fights and long shopping trips will not lead to the fact that Princess Nesmeyana will come to life, but to the fact that she will turn into the shadow of Hamlet’s father, which can only cursing indistinctly. He will also get sick for sure with something – from a banal cold to some exotic inflammation of the Achilles tendon and neuralgia.

If you are not the cause of depression in a person (you have not betrayed, you have not divorced, you have not tried to drown yourself in acid in a Joker costume), do not blame yourself. Depression, like cancer, is caused by a complex combination of different factors, and you are probably not the most important person there.

On the contrary, the ability to stay with a person in depression without depreciation (are you completely lazy?) is a jewelry art that is far from accessible to every person, even if he has a special education.

And it seems to me that an important factor in being around a depressed person is taking care of yourself. Remember that living next to someone who is constantly worried, afraid, or crying is also not easy. Do not lock yourself at home with him, otherwise depression will defeat you too. Look for support in work, friends, trips to nature (if it makes you happy), shopping, skydiving, watching funny comedies – in general, do not forget about yourself. Your life goes on – as does the life of a person with depression.

Don’t forget about responding to aggression. If you are an ordinary active person who is used to living and enjoying life, then a slow, whiny, tired and weak person, who at the same time has not lost either arms or legs, will cause you a lot of irritation. Find yourself a place where you can swear at such a life and such a sad state of affairs.

Distribute your attention evenly so as not to leave the one who is nearby without support, food and help, and yourself without life and pleasures.

If your loved one is seriously ill for a long time, remember that there are support groups for relatives of patients with psychiatric diagnoses, as well as psychologists and psychotherapists who can support you too.

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Moscow State Universitypsychiadepressionsupporthumanitypsychology

people

Ekaterina Mikhailova

How to deal with a person with depression.

Instructions – Meduza

Depression is one of the most common mental disorders: according to the World Health Organization as of February 2017, more than 300 million people worldwide suffer from it. The scale of the problem in Russia is harder to assess. Experts talk about almost eight million Russians suffering from depression, but specify that, most likely, there are much more of them – people with depression often do not seek help because of shame or unwillingness to admit the seriousness of their condition. Depression can be underestimated not only by the patients themselves, but also by their relatives. At the request of Meduza, the author of the remain_nameless telegram channel about mental health, Daria Chagina, tells how to properly behave with a person suffering from depression, so as not only not to harm him, but also to help.

Recognize the importance of the problem

Pop culture has taught us that depression is a kind of seasonal blues: many of us have heard (or said) “I’m depressed today. ” Of course, any person experiences bouts of melancholy and depression – due to lack of sleep, problems at work, a quarrel with a loved one, and even bad weather. But as soon as the surrounding circumstances change, everything returns to normal. Depression, on the other hand, is arranged differently: its causes can be deeply hidden, it greatly affects a person’s life, and only in 40% of cases goes away on its own – and even then not completely.

Depression is expressed primarily in a constant depressed state, chronic fatigue and loss of interest in things that used to please. In addition, the disease can be accompanied by various somatic manifestations: a person either suffers from insomnia, or, conversely, constantly wants to sleep. Doesn’t want sex. He cannot concentrate on anything and loses his ability to work. Loses appetite or, conversely, begins to overeat. Depression can also lead to a complete loss of interest in life, a suicidal state and suicide. The diagnosis is made if the duration of symptoms is at least two weeks – but depression can last for months or even years, and it must be treated.

Risk factors for depression can range from psychological shocks or trauma, dysfunctional family situations or lack of parental love, as well as genetic predisposition or various diseases, as well as alcohol or drug use. Moreover, psychogenic depression (caused, for example, by the death of a loved one, divorce or violence) does not necessarily come immediately – people experience difficult events in different ways, and sometimes the reaction to them comes with a delay.

Show that you are there

Depressed people don’t just feel lonely, they often feel ashamed and guilty about their feelings and emotions. For fear of being misunderstood, ridiculed, or rejected, they prefer to remain silent about their experiences, do not seek help, or refuse to acknowledge the seriousness of their situation. Left alone with their feelings, many try to suppress and hide them – and only more convinced of their own “abnormality”, worthlessness and uselessness. As studies confirm, it is this feeling of separation from other people that can lead to suicidal thoughts – therefore, the support of relatives and friends is especially important for depressed people. Make it clear that you are there no matter what, the person’s condition does not affect your attitude towards him in any way, you understand the depth of his suffering and are ready to help.

Do not discount the feelings and experiences of a depressed person

If you have never had depression, then you are unlikely to be able to fully understand the state of your loved one. Do not try to compare it to a “bad day” or just a difficult period in life (for example, a session or a job change) and do not offer a person with depression to “pull themselves together” or “tune in to positive.” Even if you sincerely want to express support, such advice will only devalue the feelings of a person who is faced with depression, because he knows that everything is not so simple. People in this situation often hear, “Others have worse problems than you”, “It’s all in your head”, “Do something useful”, but all this only causes more shame, guilt or annoyance due to helplessness in the face of illness. Hearing something like this, a person may conclude that you will never understand him, and close up – then it will be much more difficult to help. If you don’t know what to say in such a situation (and this is normal), just hug, say: “I can’t even imagine what you are experiencing right now, but I see that it is very difficult” – and let the person show feelings in the way he it’s necessary.

Don’t take the words and actions of a depressed person personally.

People with depression are usually not able to lead the same active lifestyle as before. For example, they stop responding to messages and calls, refuse offers to go out to dinner or to the movies, they may even miss your birthday or wedding. This looks strange and insulting: after all, quite recently everything was in order, and today a person comes up with reasons to avoid a meeting. And if he nevertheless agrees to it, he can behave indifferently and not even try to pretend that he is interested in listening to you.

It’s not about you at all – it’s just that in a depressed state, most often there is no strength for anything. Even such simple, ordinary things as getting out of bed, taking a shower and preparing breakfast require a lot of effort. It is all the more difficult to go somewhere where there will be a lot of people. In addition, communication with people itself, even if it is not binding, requires a return, for which a depressed person does not have enough emotional resources. Remember that depressed people feel and appreciate the support of their family and friends, but they simply cannot respond to it in the same way as before.

Suggest seeking professional help

Depression doesn’t often go away on its own—but even if it does, it can come back. According to statistics, 50% of people who have had a depressive episode in their lives have a second one after some time, and 80% of people who have two depressive episodes in their medical history sooner or later have a third. So if you suspect depression, a person should definitely see a specialist – first of all, a psychiatrist who can prescribe drugs if necessary. True, it is also very difficult for many to take this step: going to the doctor is considered something like a “last resort”, an admission of defeat. Antidepressants are also treated with great apprehension, although now there is a large selection of funds – and a competent specialist will be able to choose the right ones in each individual case. Yes, it doesn’t always work right away, but often you can’t do without medication.

Your loved one may be seriously afraid of going to the doctor because of the fear that he will be labeled as “mentally ill”, “registered” or even “put in a fool”. In fact, psychiatric registration was canceled back in the early 90s, and a person can be placed in a hospital against their will only by a court decision – or if a person poses a threat to himself and is not able to take care of himself. But if your loved one is still haunted by the fear of free medicine, advise him to contact a private specialist – if possible.

Tell the person with depression that more and more people are going to therapy and it really helps. After all, with a fracture, your friend would go to the surgeon – so in this case, you need to see a doctor. Offer help in finding a psychiatrist, offer to give a ride to an appointment or just see them off. But in no case do not shame and do not force.

Help with the simplest things (but in moderation)

When a person close to you cannot do some things due to illness, there is a desire to take everything upon yourself. You really can help, but here you need to know when to stop.

If you live together, help with daily chores: waking up and going to bed on time, remembering to take a shower or soak in the bath, eat well, and remember to take medication if prescribed. The correct daily routine helps to maintain some kind of balance even in the most difficult condition. You can try to involve a person in physical exercises – studies confirm that sports help in the treatment and prevention of depression. Moreover, it is the regularity of classes, and not their intensity, that plays the key role – you need to exercise for at least three months and for 45-60 minutes. Workouts on a pulse of 120-130 beats per minute are best suited: running, walking, swimming, cycling, tennis, dancing.

Offer useful applications

When depressed, it is useful to monitor how your mood changes over time – there are many paid and free mobile applications in Google Play and the App Store for this. For example, Moodnotes. When creating the application, the developers relied on the method of cognitive behavioral therapy, so in it you can not only note what you think about and how you feel today, but also track what causes certain thoughts and moods. You can also keep a mood diary through the How Are You and MoodPanda apps.

Mindfulness meditation apps can also be useful. It forms the basis of Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT), which is now gaining popularity in the United States. The main goal is to help get rid of the tendency to automatically respond to thoughts, emotions and life events. Perhaps the best mobile app for this is Headspace; it’s available on both iOS and Android, but it’s a paid subscription for $12.99 a month (I must say it’s loved by many who don’t have a depression problem, too). A free alternative to it could be Stop, Breathe & Think. But, of course, we must remember that neither meditation nor a mood diary can replace treatment, but can only be a help (well, it doesn’t hurt to discuss these practices with your doctor).

Be attentive and patient

The process of treating depression is long and difficult. How much time and effort it will take depends on the severity of depression (mild, moderate, severe), and on the chosen treatment method (only taking pills, only psychotherapy, or both), and on how quickly it turned out to pick up the right pills and their dosage and, finally, whether it was possible to find a suitable psychotherapist. It also happens that a psychotherapist is good, but not suitable. Even if you have done everything you could and the healing process has begun, you should not expect an immediate result. Don’t ask, “Are you feeling better?” – It may seem to a depressed person that progress in his treatment does not meet your expectations.

Instead, ask delicately from time to time if he remembers to take his pills, if he misses psychiatric and/or psychotherapist appointments, and if so, try to carefully find out why. For example, in psychotherapy there is such a thing as “resistance” – the patient’s subconscious opposition to the process of psychotherapy. This phenomenon is associated with the fear of change, because it is far from always easy and painless to come to a cure. Resistance in psychotherapy can be expressed in many ways, including just missing meetings or refusing to continue psychotherapy in principle. Dealing with this is the work of a psychotherapist, but a careful, confidential conversation with a loved one can also help.