My husband called me fat

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Relationships

41 replies

mummybear2918 ·

24/05/2021 15:56

My husband and I got into a massive argument (nothing new) but during this argument he call me fat and this ripped my heart out. I’m busy mum to an 2.5 year old and a 11 month old. I know ove gained weight but it was so nasty how he said it and when comforted he said I am fat wasn’t something in the heat of the moment and said he doesn’t care he called me fat. Now I’m never going to want him to touch me or even see me naked. Those words and completely defeated me. It the worse thing you could call me.

no nasty comments very vulnerable at the minute

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wildeverose ·

24/05/2021 16:02

This is really difficult. The way he’s said this is cruel, however do you think he’s trying to shock you into losing weight and is genuinely concerned? We obviously don’t know what the relationship is like usually and whether this is out of character for him. Is he concerned for your health or just being a dick?

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AwayWithYou ·

24/05/2021 16:03

Your weight has not changed from before or after he said those words. You have very young babies and it be extremely unhealthy for you to be skinny. It is him who is unattractive by virtue of his attitude, not you.

It does serve him right if he doesn’t get your affection or care until he’s made amends and made you feel as good as he previously made you feel bad. Twat.

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AwayWithYou ·

24/05/2021 16:04

Being concerned for someone’s health does not excuse calling your DW “fat”!

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nimbuscloud ·

24/05/2021 16:06

I saw your other thread about him.
You have to leave him. He’s a violent abusive man.
Have you family you can speak to?
Women’s Aid will support you too.

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mummybear2918 ·

24/05/2021 16:07

If I’m honest the marriage isn’t the greatest fighting all the time and we do fight alot but this is the first he called me fat.
Definitely being a dick cause would have reassured me I was fine and like me as I was. I’m a size 14/16 so I’m not exactly massive

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OnlyFoolsnMothers ·

24/05/2021 16:07

He’s a wanker, men don’t carry babies, few men stay home and are driven to despair by young children so his comment is a twat of a comment.

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mummybear2918 ·

24/05/2021 16:09

How am I ever going to want to be near him i slept in pjs last night I was so paranoid

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SourLemons ·

24/05/2021 16:09

He’s a disgusting pig and not a catch! He’s bringing you down because you’re beautiful and he’s a jealous prick! So what if you’ve put on a bit of weight, being ‘fat’ doesn’t make you less than or unattractive. .. his personality however is vile!

Please LTB if he’s abusive, life’s too short to put up with pricks like him

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SourLemons ·

24/05/2021 16:10

@mummybear2918

How am I ever going to want to be near him i slept in pjs last night I was so paranoid

That’s what he wants, to tear your confidence down. Size 14/16 is not fat at all! Fuck him, show off your body and be proud of it!

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Peace43 ·

24/05/2021 16:10

What a git! I am a bit plump and my OH is obese. I’d never ever call him fat and I’d be gutted if he called me fat.

What a cruel thing for him to say. I’d struggle to forgive that comment!

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Ju11tne ·

24/05/2021 16:11

Personal experience here. When any man makes remarks about your weight they mean it.

He thought it before hand… hence why it rolled off his tongue in the heat of the moment!

Sorry OP.

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AlmostSummer21 ·

24/05/2021 16:11

@wildeverose. Let me help you out here. He’s just being a dick.
She’s had 2 babies in quick succession, HIS babies.

Even if she hadn’t, calling someone fat in an argument isn’t coming from a place of concern.

@mummybear2918. He’s nasty. you’ve carried his two babies and your youngest is still under 1.

I’m sorry he’s hurt you like this.

You say arguing isn’t unusual. That’s not uncommon with two very young children, but it’s also not something you just have to put up with either.

The fact he’s not even sorry now he’s calmed down speaks volumes really doesn’t it.

You really need to think whether you even want to try to make your marriage work anymore & even if you do want to, is it really feasible?

I know it’s not what you plan when you get married, but you don’t have to stay with him if you’re not happy and ‘staying for the children’ really doesn’t work. If you were to split up now it would soon become the norm for your toddler & your baby will know no different.

Big hugs x

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mummybear2918 ·

24/05/2021 16:12

I really am struggling on top of 100s of other things going on and that have went on

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wildeverose ·

24/05/2021 16:12

God I absolutely wasn’t saying it’s ok to call you fat by the way! I just read my post back – I meant was he trying to help and being crap like men can be. But no, he’s just a wanker. Sack him off, you can do a hell of a lot better.

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wildeverose ·

24/05/2021 16:13

I’m so sorry I worded that so badly – am mortified. I hope you’re ok op

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bananapumpkin ·

24/05/2021 16:13

Wish I could give you a hug!

Much easier said than done, but try not to dwell on the word itself. In an argument people often choose words they know will sting. You may have gained weight but that doesn’t make you unattractive.

Your husband is likely too stubborn to admit it, but he’s probably feeling terrible for causing you pain and wouldn’t have made the comment outside the heat of the argument. So try to separate the real issue – whatever started the argument – from the words used.

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mummybear2918 ·

24/05/2021 16:18

I can honestly hand heart say he meant absolutely ebery word my husband isn’t one for feeling bad or guilty etc

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DaisyFeather ·

24/05/2021 16:20

My STBXH has spent most of our relationship telling me this, even when I wasn’t (ie was a size 12 instead of the 6 when we met because I’d been ill. ) It has worn down so much of my self worth and I don’t want that for you. I should have stayed gone the first time he told me with such venom that I was worthless because I was fat.

When fat is used as an insult rather than a factual
observation (ie self awareness) it never has a kind meaning behind it. It’s used as a weapon to make you feel worthless. I’ve never ever negatively judged another person on their size or looks because I think we’re all fabulous. But I look in the mirror now and feel like I’m looking at nothing.

Please consider your options. You deserve so much more than this. Your children deserve more.

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bananapumpkin ·

24/05/2021 16:27

@mummybear2918

I can honestly hand heart say he meant absolutely ebery word my husband isn’t one for feeling bad or guilty etc

So sorry to hear that. You are a wonderful person I don’t have any helpful practical advice, but you need to hear that because it’s the truth!

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Babygotblueyes ·

24/05/2021 16:34

That is disgusting. It is one thing to disagree and fight about stuff. it is another to call names and pick the thing which the other person is most vulnerable about. Totally out of order, you don’t deserve that. So sorry.

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bigbeatmanifesto ·

24/05/2021 16:42

I’d tell him he was a waste of space and leave what a horrible thing to say and do.
I hope your okay

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seekingadvice23 ·

24/05/2021 16:45

I’ve seen your other posts and it’s clear that he will never change, you know that. Your children are getting older and witness his behaviour, you need to leave and put your kids and yourself first.

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CombatBarbie ·

24/05/2021 16:46

That is a shitty thing to say whether it’s true or not. Sex would be off the table for me for a start.

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Umberellatheweatha ·

24/05/2021 16:51

‘How am I ever going to sleep with him again’

After how nasty he is being, why are you still concerned with how you are going to just roll over and accept it? You should be asking ‘how is he going to make things right again?’.

It isnt up to you to find a way to forgive someone who basically, hates you.

It is however, up to you to find a way to get away from people who treat you like shit.

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My partner keeps telling me I’m fat. Is it really for my own sake? | Body image

I am a 30-year-old woman and for the past 10 years I’ve been in a relationship with a man 30 years older. I was much thinner when we first met and have since gained a little weight. My partner has started calling me fat, often pointing out that my hips are growing wider, that I eat too much, have a double chin, my stomach is flabby and so on.

When we met I was very conscious of my weight and I had low self-esteem about my looks. There was nothing wrong with my eating; I just weighed a bit less than the average. My partner encouraged me to have a more positive view, and it helped with my self-confidence. But since I started gaining weight a couple of years ago, he has been increasingly negative. I have told him it does not help that he calls me fat. He says he is not being disparaging, but wants to encourage me to exercise, lead a healthy lifestyle and eat moderately. He says I will be the one to suffer if I become fat because it will have an impact on my self-esteem and I will let myself go “like ugly middle-aged women with big thighs” (and I would not want to end up like that, would I?). He thinks he is telling me for my own sake as it will be bad for my mental health if I think I am fat.

I think my current weight is OK, and that I eat healthily. I could exercise more, but my partner insists I do so every day to keep fit (otherwise I am lazy). I have asked him to stop commenting on my weight, and sometimes he does for a while, but then starts again. The whole situation is making me feel bad about myself.

I’m not surprised you feel like that. So your partner doesn’t want you to end up thinking you’re fat, by telling you that you’re fat? That’s some twisted logic.

I wonder what is so frightening to your middle-aged boyfriend about a woman looking like a woman. How is he going to react when you get to middle age? What does he look like?

You sent me your measurements and even now you’ve put on weight, you are still very light. When you met, you must have had a very slight physique indeed. But what you weigh is not the total of who you are; and it’s not up to your boyfriend to police your weight, or your exercise.

You haven’t given me any other information about you or your wider life with your partner, so I’m not sure if he is a loving and caring boyfriend the rest of the time (and, to be clear, he would need to do a whole heap of loving and caring to make up for this behaviour). Or if he’s frankly a bit of an arse with a fixation on women shaped a certain way.

What struck me and psychotherapist Armele Philpotts was that you met him when you were 20 and he was nearly 50, and while of course love and respect can prosper with such an age gap, it could hint at a power imbalance and one that may now be shifting. In the 10 years you’ve been together, “It sounds,” said Philpotts, “like you’ve done a lot of [psychological] growing and developing, and maybe this relationship has been helpful with that. There were certain things that brought you to this relationship when you were 20, but now you’re 30, I’m wondering what this relationship brings to enrich your life?”

Philpotts had some other questions for you, “because any kind of name-calling is emotionally abusive. Is this [the weight/exercise nagging] an isolated part of his behaviour or is it a tactic he uses in other contexts [to control you]? When you mention he ‘insists’ you take exercise every day, what form does that insistence take? What does your boyfriend tell you he loves about you? And, finally, if your best friend were behaving in this way, would you accept it?”

Not every woman wants to have children, and you might not, but if you do, how would he handle you getting pregnant and growing a belly?

I encourage you to read the Women’s Aid resources, which can help you see if you are in an abusive relationship. Both Women’s Aid and Refuge (0808 200 0247) also have trained counsellors who can talk you through things to keep you safe.

“Your boyfriend’s not listening to you,” Philpotts pointed out. “He stops commenting for a while, then starts again.”

You’ve asked him not to say certain things to you because they undermine your self-esteem, but he continues. I think it might be time to ask yourself what his motivation really is.

Every week Annalisa Barbieri addresses a family-related problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa on a family matter, please send your problem to [email protected]. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.

Comments on this piece are premoderated to ensure the discussion remains on the topics raised by the article. Please be aware that there may be a short delay in comments appearing on the site.

Husband calls fat, how to put in place 6 #2

September 17, 2016, 10:18 AM

#3

September 17, 2016, 10:18

#4

44 kg

The quality of the body, therefore, suffered. The best way to put the “offender” in his place is to become perfect.

September 17, 2016, 10:20 am

#5

September 17, 2016 10:22 am

#6

September 17, 2016 10:22 am

90 006 #7

September 17, 2016, 10:25 am

#8

Katya Marble

Lose weight and go to someone else. Here is the best way to put it in place.

September 17, 2016 10:27 am

#9

September 17, 2016 10:29 am

#10

September 17, 2016, 10:32 am

#11

Annushka

well, you are a bit fat about him, of course, 60 at 180 is not a joke to you

September 17, 2016, 10:33

9000 6 #12

Guest

She doesn’t even need to lose weight to go to another. All men love different people. And for this lady, no matter how she looks, there is.
And my husband just seems to have fallen out of love, so, the author, it’s not your weight…0006 Annushka

well, you are a little fat about him, of course, 60 at 180 is not a joke to you

September 17, 2016, 10:37

#14

Katya Marble 9000 5

Lose weight and go to someone else. Here is the best way to put it in place.

September 17, 2016 10:44 am

#15

September 17, 2016 10:44 am

#16

Katya Mramornaya

Guest She doesn’t even need to lose weight to go to someone else. All men love different people. And for this lady, no matter how she looks, there is.
And my husband just seems to have fallen out of love, so, the author, it’s not your weight that matters …
Well, most men like slender men. With the growth of the author, the weight of 47 is a bit much.

September 17, 2016 10:45 am

#17

September 17, 2016 10:46 am

#18

Guest

Guest She doesn’t even need to lose weight to go to someone else. All men love different people. And for this lady, no matter how she looks, there is.
And my husband just seems to have fallen out of love, so, author, it’s not your weight that matters…
Well, most men like to be slim. With the growth of the author, the weight of 47 is a bit much.

So she has the height of a child, do you want her to compensate for her small height with a large weight?

September 17, 2016 10:47 am

#19

September 17, 2016 10:48 am

#20

September 17, 2016, 10:49 am

#21

Annushka

well, regarding him, you are a bit fat, of course, 60 at 180 is not a joke to you

September 17, 2016, 10:50

#22

Guest

may have asked for a wrong interpretation of his thoughts about you? the weight does not seem to be excessive, but there may be a lack of elasticity and crowdedness in the figure. well, take it as criticism and amaze him with the transformation as a result of fitness. in any case, if a man criticizes, veiled or directly, he sees flaws in appearance, and you, as it were, are obliged to please the eye. change so that his gaze is instead of a thousand words. Or shut up and be who you are. the choice is always yours0005 Woman.ru experts

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September 17, 2016, 10:53 am

#23

44 kg

The quality of the body, therefore, has suffered. The best way to put the “offender” in his place is to become perfect.

September 17, 2016, 10:54

#24

Guest

This would join the advice if the author was overweight. But given that the author is 47 kg, just go to another

September 17, 2016, 10:54

#25

Guest

Wow, she’s flawed! And he, with a height of 180, weighs 60 and considers himself a beauty! Stop the Earth – I’ll get off! #26 05

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September 17, 2016, 11:02 am

#27

Guest

Baby, we have already talked about this topic. The greatest self-confidence in the nihilists, and not the ideal. Only spoil your psyche with the desire for the ideal (cosmetics, beauty salons, reasonable nutrition and practical regular shopping have not been canceled, of course).

September 17, 2016, 11:03 AM

#28

Guest

Stsuuuko, she has flaws in her appearance! And he, with a height of 180, weighs 60 and considers himself a beauty! Stop the Earth – I’ll get off!

I understand you very well, a woman should be pleasing to the eye, then her life is easier, I myself pay a lot of attention to appearance, but who said that when looking at a man, a gag reflex should appear in the bad sense of the word? With all my strictness towards the female form, he is worse than her, I would not have stood on him. Let her criticize his potency – this is his task, in your opinion, and hand-to-hand and so on. So we see that it is then strongly offended. like a girl).

September 17, 2016, 11:03

#29

September 17, 2016, 11:03 am

#30

44 kg

Baby, we have already talked about this topic. The greatest self-confidence in the nihilists, and not the ideal. Only spoil your psyche with the desire for the ideal (cosmetics, beauty salons, reasonable nutrition and practical regular shopping have not been canceled, of course).

Your right, of course).

September 17, 2016 11:04 am

#31

44 kg

cuirass is the dumbest advice
the best way to get away from a person
What is the logic of getting away from a person who cares about you?

September 17, 2016 11:05 am

#32

September 17, 2016 11:05 am

#33

katya marble the logic to bring down from the person who cares about you?

Exactly! Reject, offer! 9G awn

I understand you perfectly, a woman should be pleasing to the eye, then she will it’s easier, I myself pay a lot of attention to appearance, but who said that when you look at a man, a gag reflex should appear in the bad sense of the word? With all my strictness towards the female form, he is worse than her, I would not have stood on him. Let her criticize his potency – this is his task, in your opinion, and hand-to-hand and so on. So we see that it is then strongly offended. like a girl).

September 17, 2016, 11:10 am

#36

New topics

11 answers