What to do when your spouse has gained a significant amount of weight? Explore practical advice for maintaining physical attraction in your marriage.

Understanding the Challenge of Physical Attraction

Physical attraction is an important aspect of a healthy marriage, and it’s understandable for a spouse to feel concerned when their partner’s appearance changes significantly. However, it’s crucial to approach this issue with empathy, patience, and a focus on the deeper aspects of the relationship.

Communicate Gently and Constructively

The first step is to have an open and honest conversation with your spouse. Avoid criticizing or shaming them, and instead, express your concerns in a caring and supportive manner. Encourage them to share their thoughts and feelings, and listen with an open mind.

How can I communicate my concerns about my spouse’s weight gain in a constructive way?

When discussing your spouse’s weight gain, use “I” statements to express your feelings, rather than accusatory “you” statements. For example, you could say, “I’ve noticed that you’ve gained weight, and I’m concerned about your health and our physical intimacy. I want to support you in making any changes you’d like to make.” Avoid criticizing their appearance or making them feel ashamed.

Focus on Holistic Wellness, Not Just Physical Appearance

While physical attraction is important, it’s not the only factor that contributes to a healthy and fulfilling marriage. Encourage your spouse to prioritize their overall health and well-being, which may include diet, exercise, stress management, and mental health.

What are some ways to support my spouse’s overall wellness, beyond just their weight?

Suggest engaging in physical activities together, such as going for walks or trying a new sport or hobby. Encourage a balanced diet and help prepare healthy meals. Offer to attend counseling or support groups together to address any underlying issues contributing to the weight gain. Ultimately, focus on their overall well-being, not just their physical appearance.

Cultivate Emotional and Spiritual Intimacy

While physical intimacy is important, emotional and spiritual intimacy are also crucial for a strong marriage. Invest time and effort into deepening your connection in these areas, which can help offset any concerns about physical attraction.

How can I strengthen the emotional and spiritual intimacy in my marriage?

Engage in regular date nights, meaningful conversations, and shared experiences that go beyond just physical intimacy. Pray together, attend church or spiritual activities, and explore ways to grow in your faith as a couple. Seek counseling or join a small group to deepen your emotional and spiritual connection.

Embrace Acceptance and Compromise

It’s important to accept your spouse for who they are, including any physical changes. While it’s understandable to have preferences, try to be flexible and find ways to compromise. Remember that true love goes beyond superficial physical attributes.

How can I practice acceptance and compromise in my marriage?

Reflect on the qualities you cherish most about your spouse, beyond their physical appearance. Remind yourself of the reasons you fell in love and the deeper connection you share. Be willing to compromise on certain physical preferences, and focus on maintaining a fulfilling emotional and spiritual partnership.

Seek Professional Support if Needed

If you’re struggling to navigate this challenge, consider seeking the guidance of a counselor or therapist who specializes in marriage and relationships. They can help you and your spouse communicate more effectively, address any underlying issues, and develop strategies for maintaining a healthy, fulfilling partnership.

When should I consider seeking professional help for my marriage?

If you and your spouse are having difficulty communicating about the issue, feel stuck in negative patterns, or are experiencing a significant decline in your overall relationship quality, it may be beneficial to seek the guidance of a trained marriage counselor or therapist. They can provide an objective perspective and help you develop constructive solutions.

Dealing with a large weight gain in your spouse

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Romance and Sex

Dennis and Barbara Rainey

·4 min read

Q: My husband has gained a very unattractive amount of weight. It really turns me off. Before we were married, he was real committed to losing weight and keeping it off, but at some point he gave up. What do you do when you have absolutely no attraction to your husband?

Dennis: There are a couple sides to this issue. On one hand, it’s not wrong for a woman to want her husband to look attractive. For that matter, both husbands or wives ought not to feel guilty for being “jealous” in the best sense of that word that their spouse continue to cultivate the sense of attractiveness that helped create the romance in their relationship to begin with.

Barbara: This is a difficult problem because weight is an important issue for physical health and for healthy relationships. An important ingredient of any marriage is the need for husbands and wives to please each other. They should learn what pleases the other person, and then seek to do it. Obviously a husband can’t lose weight overnight, but if he is seeking to please his wife, then he can make an effort to look sharp and attractive.

At the same time, we live in a very image-oriented culture, where sexual attraction is so often tied to physical appearance. Weight does matter, but there are other issues more important in a person’s life than the external appearance.

I would pray that God would help you focus on the things that matter most-your husband’s spiritual maturity and his leadership of the family and the marriage, character, faithfulness at work and at home-all those kinds of issues. If the relationship is healthy and he is meeting your needs and encouraging you and loving you and you are focusing on what is most important, I think the old statement, “Love is blind” is true. This doesn’t have to get in the way.

Then, I would pray that the Lord would grant you opportunities to express how you feel in a gentle and supportive way. Ask if there is anything you can do to help.

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Dennis: Find a way to communicate this value to your husband-whether by letter, over a cup of coffee, a date night, etc., and let him know how important this is to you as a person. I would also challenge you with Proverbs 4:23, “Watch over your heart with all diligence, for from it flow the springs of life.” Ask God to not let you become embittered toward your husband. Don’t become preoccupied with the negative, but give him some grace, and love him. One of the things that I fear for any relationship is a critical spirit. It will destroy romance; a marriage; and a family.

Barbara: A similar problem occurs when a wife gains weight, especially from childbirth. She may feel unattractive or even rejected because her husband may not be initiating romance as he was before.

Dennis: Often it can take a year to work that weight off, and with each child the weight comes off slower each time. A husband needs to be patient and verbally express his love and affection for his wife.

Barbara: The husband needs to follow the same advice we just gave the wife. He needs to look at his attitude, at what is most important.

Dennis: Husbands and wives both need to step out as an act of their will and seek to meet each other’s needs. A husband needs to care for his wife and live with her in an understanding way.

My final thought is that there are a number of weight loss programs available, most of which don’t work in the long run-a person loses weight but then ends up putting it back on, plus more. To me, if you are serious about losing weight and keeping it off for the long haul, something has to be changed at the very core about the way you think about food. Find a weight loss program that takes people through a biblical process of committing that aspect of your life to the Lord and ask Him to give you strength and wisdom.

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I’m turned off by my husband’s weight gain – St George News

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Question

My husband and I have been married for over 40 years. In the beginning, I tried to change him and ultimately discovered that I can only change myself. I realize that his life’s experiences are a part of who he is, and as we have different opinions regarding many things, we have agreed that on some topics, we will just disagree. He is a good husband and father.

My problem is that my husband has become very overweight. Even some of our children have mentioned their concern about his weight to me. He doesn’t like to exercise, is always tired, and hasn’t been to a doctor in over 10 years. In the past, I have voiced my concern to him that he stops breathing for short periods of time at night, but now I just don’t say anything. His family has a history of diabetes and cancer, but these diseases don’t seem to be a concern to him. 

My problem is that being sexually intimate with him is not appealing to me. What can I do to voice my concerns to him without him feeling he is being criticized? Is there anything I can do or say that can help him want to be healthier? What can I do to change my own thoughts about him being overweight?

Answer

Even though your husband’s personal health is his responsibility, you’re right that it has an impact on others in the family. It’s a tricky balance to respect his way of living his life while honoring the effect it has on you and your relationship with him. However, don’t let this balancing act keep you from addressing what you need to address.

Because your response to him involves your inability to sexually connect with him, it’s in the best interest of your marriage to address this block. 

Perhaps you’ve heard of the Dual Control Model for sexual arousal. It’s a model that explains how to improve sexual responsiveness by highlighting the reality that we all have sexual brakes and accelerators. These brakes and accelerators aren’t always conscious, and, in fact, we don’t even get to choose them.

Your husband’s poor health, weight and lack of discipline appear to be a few of the brakes that are keeping you from feeling attracted to him. You likely have accelerators in your relationship with him that move you close to him. However, as you know, trying to drive a car forward with one foot on the brake and one on the gas doesn’t work very well!

Instead of beating yourself up (or your husband, for that matter), this is a great opportunity to let him know that you want to get closer to him, but you need his help getting your foot off the brake. If he knows that you want him but have these brakes that keep you from moving forward, you can join each other as a team to move things forward.

This won’t be a comfortable conversation for either of you, but it won’t be any more uncomfortable than living with the distance. In preparation for the conversation, it’s helpful for you to identify both the brakes and the accelerators. This isn’t a criticism of him, but it’s identifying what’s in the way of you getting closer to him.

This might seem like you’re being nitpicky, but these things are legitimately in the way. I’m guessing you’ve already tried to let these things go and not care, but there are reasons these are strong blocks for you. 

I’ve observed that many spouses are less repulsed by the actual weight, but more impacted by other related factors. For example, they might feel like the unhealthy spouse won’t protect them by putting their own health in jeopardy. Or, the lack of discipline can create feelings of mistrust about keeping their word.

These deeper emotional and relational issues are likely at the core of why it’s difficult for you to feel a desire to be close to him. Instead of fixating on an external goal of losing weight or lowering his cholesterol, it’s more helpful to identify the emotional and relational longings that he can care about immediately.

It will take time to make the necessary health adjustments, but my guess is that when you see him respond to your distress call, you’ll start feeling a desire to move closer to him. 

Of course, he’ll struggle to hear this as a bid for closeness. He likely already has his own guilt and shame about his weight and poor health. However, I encourage you to stay the course and emphasize that you want these things out of the way so you can allow your body, mind and spirit to respond to him.

Make it clear that you want to work together to activate your specific accelerators so you can move forward with him. 

Make sure that you have your heart right before you talk with him about these things. Dr. Wally Goddard, once told me he didn’t feel permission to correct anyone he didn’t love. He said the great surprise was that once he truly felt love for them, he modified the way he approached them. He shared that the motivation came from a place of love instead of irritation.

Since you’ve got difficult things to discuss with him, it’s wise to check your motives and make sure you’re approaching him from a place of love, compassion and a true desire to connect to him.

I have received feedback from loved ones over the years on various topics. The difference between how I received feedback from them usually came down to the strength of our relationship and how I believed they saw me as a person. When I’ve been able to feel their deep love and concern for me, it’s been much easier to hear.

The fact that he’s ignoring his health could signal an underlying depression, unresolved trauma, untreated addiction or some other issue. Individuals who struggle with these conditions usually have no idea what kind of impact they’re having on their loved ones and live in a deep state of denial to keep them from their painful reality.

Part of the conversation may include seeking additional therapeutic resources or even marriage counseling to help you work together as a team. 

Even though you recognize he gets to oversee his own body, you can still let him know that you would like to be taken seriously and understood. This isn’t a criticism about how he should live his life; this is you describing your fears and concerns about the stability and longevity of your most important relationship.

This is you taking initiative to build deeper intimacy. Building a relationship strong enough to hear our partner’s deepest fears and worries takes courage and patience.

These experiences can be jolting to both you and him as you start to discuss the real issue of him numbing and avoiding dealing with difficult emotions or stressors. Remember to double-check your motives so you can stay with him in love. Your desire to see him thrive and connect with you and his family has to be motivated by your loyalty and commitment to him.  

Have a relationship question for Geoff to answer? Submit to:

Email: [email protected]

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Copyright St. George News, SaintGeorgeUtah.com LLC, 2022, all rights reserved.

Geoff Steurer is the co-author of “Love You, Hate the Porn: Healing a Relationship Damaged by Virtual Infidelity,” host of the Illuminate Podcast and creator of online relationship courses, such as the Trust Building Bootcamp. He is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in St. George, Utah. He specializes in working with couples who want to rebuild their relationships from crisis to connection. He specializes in working with individuals and couples dealing with the impact of sexual betrayal. He has been married to his wife, Jody, since 1996 and they are the parents of four children. Follow him on Instagram and Facebook.  The opinions stated in this article are Steurer’s own and may not be representative of St. George News.

causes, treatment, effects on the body, doctor’s appointment

Many men do not consider excess body fat a special problem , turning to doctors for completely different reasons: for example, due to erection problems, due to infertility or urological problems. However, male obesity is dangerous not only because of the development of dangerous concomitant diseases – it is in itself a serious disease leading to a decrease in life expectancy.

Male obesity. Symptoms:

Firstly, if a man’s waist circumference exceeds 94 cm, it’s time to sound the alarm.

Secondly, excess weight can be determined using an indicator such as body mass index (BMI) . It can be calculated using the Quetelet formula :

Sometimes the body mass index is normal, but the waist circumference exceeds 94 cm – then we are also dealing with obesity.

Benefits of treatment at the First Men’s Clinic:

• Availability of apparatus for bioimpedance analysis of the body
• Based on the tests, we can determine the hormonal failure that caused obesity
• We can prescribe medication
• We can determine whether obesity is a symptom of another disease
• We can evaluate the effectiveness of the use of dietary supplements in the treatment of obesity
• We have hypoxic therapy that helps fight stress factors that indirectly affect the occurrence of obesity
• There is a massage therapist who improves lymphatic drainage with special techniques
• Can be tested for genetic predisposition to obesity
• All physicians can manage a patient diagnosed with obesity

Make an appointment

Reception conducted:

Make an appointment

Types of obesity:

Back in 1947, two types of obesity were described: android or, as it is also called, abdominal (male type, with a predominance of deposits in the abdomen) and gynoid (female type, with a predominance of deposits in the thighs and buttocks). Android obesity, which is the predominant type in men, is fraught with the risk of vascular disease and type 2 diabetes. Gynoid, on the other hand, often leads to venous congestion in the vessels of the legs, as well as to increased stress on the joints with the development of arthrosis.

In adipose tissue, the male sex hormone testosterone is converted into female estrogen, as a result of which the figure of the female type begins to change in men (fat deposits appear in the chest area), potency decreases, etc.

Abdominal obesity is combined with visceral obesity, in which fat deposits grow around the internal organs, as well as inside the cells of the liver and pancreas. This enveloping of the organs with fat can lead to the following results:

• acute circulatory disorders in the heart muscle (heart attack), brain (stroke)
• atherosclerotic lesions of the arteries of the lower extremities
• malnutrition of the kidneys, intestines
• impotence

Causes of excess weight in men:

• malnutrition (more calories consumed than expended)
• sedentary lifestyle
• hormonal disruptions and endocrine pathologies, diseases of the cardiovascular system, diabetic lesions of tissues and organs
• congenital tendency to obesity (will help to identify genetic analysis)
• constant stressful situations, regular insomnia, night work
• the use of medications that promote fat deposition: these are hormones, anabolics, some antidepressants, antipsychotics

Diagnosis and treatment:

Often, male obesity is caused by psychological reasons: when, for example, we regularly “seize” all our stresses and failures. Therefore, in the “First Men’s Clinic” you can get comprehensive medical care from professional doctors: urologist, andrologist, endocrinologist.

The first step is a functional diagnosis of the state of the patient’s body, the result of which is the compilation of a digital portrait of his body. The following devices are used for this:

• angioscan – a device that allows you to assess the state of the cardiovascular system
• densitometer – a device that determines bone density, revealing the risk of bone fracture
• bioimpedance Inbody – a device that measures the main indicators of the body (mass of fat, water, bone tissue) and the level of metabolism

Also, the patient is usually prescribed several blood tests for hormones and, in some cases, genetic studies are carried out, with the help of which all existing and possible problems with the absorption of certain foods are revealed.

Depending on the results of all these examinations, the patient is assigned an individual treatment program. It includes both general recommendations on nutrition and physical fitness, as well as drug therapy. Dietary supplements used by the First Men’s Clinic help reduce appetite, slow down the breakdown of fat in food and stimulate its excretion, and create a “virtual” feeling of satiety. However, the use of these drugs, by and large, is only a temporary measure that provides the patient with a “platform” for further independent “spurt”.

Additional measures to combat excess weight are trainings that are carried out using a hypoxic therapy device: in this case, the patient intermittently inhales air with a reduced oxygen content at normal atmospheric pressure through a mask. Under conditions of reduced oxygen content in the same inhaled volume, the oxygen delivery system is activated, the level of hemoglobin in the blood rises, its binding capacity increases, and the number of capillaries per unit tissue volume increases. Modern studies have convincingly shown that short-term hypoxia helps to increase the body’s resistance to stress and enhance the activity of vital functions, and as an “additional bonus” it also helps fight obesity.

Make an appointment

In preparing the article, the following materials were used:

Endocrinology. National leadership. Ed. I.I. Dedova, G.A. Melnichenko. 2014

Human physiology with the basics of pathophysiology. Ed.: R. F. Schmidt, F. Lang, M. Heckmann

The author of the article is a urologist, andrologist, Ph.D. Dashiev B.G.

The husband is gaining weight. What to do?

The husband is gaining weight. What…

May 25, 2017, 08:42

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May 26, 2017, 08:45 Go to

May 25, 2017, 08:51

#1

May 25, 2017 08:51

#2

May 25, 2017 08:54

90 002 #3

May 25, 2017 08:54 AM

#4 Guest

Flirt on the side, immediately run to the hall
Maybe he has a lot of work, does not have time
He probably eats what you eat, show an example
To lose weight you need diet and walking

May 25, 2017, 09:01

#7

May 25, 2017, 09:02

#8

Juicy

How to give motivation? I don’t even know when he himself will get tired of being overweight, only then will he take up himself.
I do not advise you to hint, my boyfriend has hinted before. There were terrible quarrels, but I’m still offended, even though I’ve lost weight.

May 25, 2017 09:02 am

#9

May 25, 2017, 09:10

#10

Guest

My wife is generally a bun, and she never tried to lose weight (30 kg), although I myself am very athletic and have a decent body. For a long time I searched for approaches in different ways, but to no avail.
Everything depends on a person, whether he wants to change himself, or everything suits him.

May 25, 2017 09:12

#11

May 25, 2017 09:14

#12

May 25, 2017, 09#14

Guest

My wife is generally a bun, and never I tried to lose weight (30 kg), although I myself am very athletic and have a decent body. For a long time I searched for approaches in different ways, but to no avail.
Everything depends on a person, whether he wants to change himself, or everything suits him.

May 25, 2017, 09:21

#15

Weird

Haha!

25 May 2017, 09:26

#16

Jusi

Guest
worthy. For a long time I searched for approaches in different ways, but to no avail.
Everything depends on a person, whether he wants to change himself, or everything suits him.
And how do you feel yourself? Not uncomfortable around her?
We had a period that he was embarrassed with me, of course, I also suffered from this – horror

May 25, 2017 09:26 AM

#17

Juicy

Weird
Haha! well, then he will find himself in the hall and find a beauty))) I don’t understand why use such offensive methods ??

May 25, 2017, 09:38

#18

Juicy

well, then he’ll go to the gym and find a beauty))) I don’t understand why use such offensive methods??

May 25, 2017 09:47 AM

#19

😌

By the way, there are no beauties in the gym, all red, sweaty and unpainted, with tails on the head on one face

May 25, 2017, 10:16

#20

Guest

1 85 and 90 kg. it’s normal for a man. Where is the belly from?

May 25, 2017, 10:58

#21 00

#22

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May 25, 2017 11:11 am

#23

May 25, 2017, 03:19 PM

#24

Guest

JusiGuest
My wife is generally a bun, and has never tried to lose weight (kg 30), although I myself am very athletic and have a decent body. For a long time I searched for approaches in different ways, but to no avail.
Everything depends on a person, whether he wants to change himself, or everything suits him.
And how do you feel yourself? Not uncomfortable around her?
We had a period that he was embarrassed with me, of course, I also suffered from this – horror
about Smeshariki – who wrote there – weight 95, height 160.
It sucks to be .. Discomfort. And for many years (
What to do? 002 Guest

22. Laura -++++5000000000!!
I will only add that everything depends on the physique – he has thin bones, and he himself is light, with a weight of 185, skinny (rather dry, to say) would weigh up to 80 kg.
Therefore, at 90 kg – already fat, and the chest is fat. Not necessarily gyno, but probably.
Data about estrogen in beer – may be exaggerated, although – everything is individual. Maybe gyno is formed, who knows.)

May 26, 2017, 08:45

#26

Juicy

Are you changing?

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