Dealing with a large weight gain in your spouse

My husband has gained a very unattractive amount of weight. It really turns me off. Before we were married, he was real committed to losing weight and keeping it off, but at some point he gave up. What do you do when you have absolutely no attraction to your husband?

Dennis: There are a couple sides to this issue. On one hand, it’s not wrong for a woman to want her husband to look attractive. For that matter, both husbands or wives ought not to feel guilty for being “jealous” in the best sense of that word that their spouse continue to cultivate the sense of attractiveness that helped create the romance in their relationship to begin with.

Barbara: This is a difficult problem because weight is an important issue for physical health and for healthy relationships. An important ingredient of any marriage is the need for husbands and wives to please each other. They should learn what pleases the other person, and then seek to do it. Obviously a husband can’t lose weight overnight, but if he is seeking to please his wife, then he can make an effort to look sharp and attractive.

At the same time, we live in a very image-oriented culture, where sexual attraction is so often tied to physical appearance. Weight does matter, but there are other issues more important in a person’s life than the external appearance.

I would pray that God would help you focus on the things that matter most-your husband’s spiritual maturity and his leadership of the family and the marriage, character, faithfulness at work and at home-all those kinds of issues. If the relationship is healthy and he is meeting your needs and encouraging you and loving you and you are focusing on what is most important, I think the old statement, “Love is blind” is true. This doesn’t have to get in the way.

Then, I would pray that the Lord would grant you opportunities to express how you feel in a gentle and supportive way. Ask if there is anything you can do to help.

Dennis: Find a way to communicate this value to your husband-whether by letter, over a cup of coffee, a date night, etc., and let him know how important this is to you as a person. I would also challenge you with Proverbs 4:23, “Watch over your heart with all diligence, for from it flow the springs of life.” Ask God to not let you become embittered toward your husband. Don’t become preoccupied with the negative, but give him some grace, and love him. One of the things that I fear for any relationship is a critical spirit. It will destroy romance; a marriage; and a family.

Barbara: A similar problem occurs when a wife gains weight, especially from childbirth. She may feel unattractive or even rejected because her husband may not be initiating romance as he was before.

Dennis: Often it can take a year to work that weight off, and with each child the weight comes off slower each time. A husband needs to be patient and verbally express his love and affection for his wife.

Barbara: The husband needs to follow the same advice we just gave the wife. He needs to look at his attitude, at what is most important.

Dennis: Husbands and wives both need to step out as an act of their will and seek to meet each other’s needs. A husband needs to care for his wife and live with her in an understanding way.

My final thought is that there are a number of weight loss programs available, most of which don’t work in the long run-a person loses weight but then ends up putting it back on, plus more. To me, if you are serious about losing weight and keeping it off for the long haul, something has to be changed at the very core about the way you think about food. Find a weight loss program that takes people through a biblical process of committing that aspect of your life to the Lord and ask Him to give you strength and wisdom.

Copyright ©2002 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved.

My Husband Gained Weight; I’m Not Attracted To Him

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Ask Scary Mommy is Scary Mommy’s advice column, where our team of “experts” answers all the questions you have about life, love, body image, friends, parenting, and anything else that’s confusing you.

This week… What do you do when your husband has put on a few pounds and your physical attraction to him feels lukewarm? Have your own questions? Email [email protected] 

Dear Scary Mommy,

My husband is chubby. He hasn’t always been chubby, but he’s gained weight and stopped working out during quarantine and he has a big, round belly now. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t bother me. I know this is a delicate subject, and I don’t know if there’s a way to even bring it up without making him upset, but I am not physically attracted to him like I used to be. I love him still, but I would want to have sex more if he was thinner again. Is this something I should bring up with him? Or just let it go and hope I get over it (or he loses weight after life goes back to normal)?

Oh. Ouch. Yikes. This is…well, this is pretty fatphobic TBH, and it’s a bummer to read.

Imagine a man writing this about his wife—he would rightly be chewed up and spit out. We can all agree that if a man can’t roll with the changes in his wife’s body, it’s cool to threaten to throw away the whole husband. We are collectively no longer here for unrealistic body expectations for us ladies.

There are very few times when I will take this stance, but in this particular case, what’s good for the gander is, in fact, also good for the goose.

Your man is allowed to be chubby, girl. You have to get right on over it.

On the one hand, I do understand that it can take a little adjusting when your spouse’s look changes. My husband once shaved his head without warning me. He came out the bathroom looking like Mr. Clean, and I was unprepared. It took me a few days to get used to his new, shiny head when he came around the corner. It didn’t quite look like him to me yet.

But on the other hand, what you’re saying is that your husband gained some weight because he has wisely been avoiding the gym during a deadly pandemic…and now you don’t want to bang him.

Which is a little different than my aforementioned haircut adjustment period.

Could you bring this up? Sure. You could. He’s your husband. If you want to make an issue of his body to his face, and risk making him feel like shit, go on and do that, I guess. There’s no law against it.

I just think the man you chose to spend your life with deserves more respect and kindness than that. Your husband is your partner, not your property. He doesn’t owe you a thin body during a pandemic or any other time.

Your husband is not the only person who has put on some weight this year. Plenty of us have gained a few pounds since COVID hit. This is stressful AF. As Kourtney Kardashian once wisely reminded us, “There’s people that are dying, Kim.” I think maybe if a perfectly healthy dude has gotten a little round in the middle, that might not be an actual problem right now.

A lot of us will see some weight leave our bodies when we are free to resume our usual activities. It is normal and totally fine for a person’s weight to fluctuate in response to a drastic change in circumstances.

I would venture a guess that when our world is no longer a viral hellscape, and his life feels normal again, your husband’s body will go back to its typical shape. You said he isn’t usually chubby. If he resumes his previous gym routine, his body will likely reflect that.

If you absolutely have to address it, for the love of God, wait until the pandemic is settled down and he can even safely go the gym. It’s not worth risking a deadly virus just to trim a few inches off his waistline.

Ultimately, you need to consider that his round belly might be here to stay. If you love him, it’s your job to make peace with his body—not his job to shrink to make you happy.

Eleven Couples Discuss Their Bodies

January: the season to shed and renew. Specifically, renewing our annual promise to shed our holiday paunches and renew our commitment to health.

And when weight, energy levels, health, and self-esteem change over seasons and years, couples in long-term relationships must navigate those changes. How do they voice their dissatisfactions? How do they accept change in a physical relationship? I interviewed eleven couples about changes in their personal and their partners’ fitness and self-image; whether they shared fitness regimens or pizza nights on the couch; and how they talk about their bodies.

1. “Weight Gain Is Grounds for Divorce.”
Camilla “didn’t hesitate to inform” Ross that he was “flabbier” when she returned from her deployment in Iraq. “I wasn’t nice about it,” she says. “It wasn’t one of my prouder moments.” Yet Ross, now her husband of three years, has repented for “slacking off.” “Weight gain is common during a spouse’s deployment, but I take full responsibility,” he says. “We’ve talked about it, and the only acceptable reason for weight gain is pregnancy … Significant weight gain is grounds for divorce. ”

“We’re vain people,” he continues. “I don’t want to have physical relations with a fat gal.”

The “very Type-A, take-charge” couple met at West Point. They paint their marriage as a meeting of mutual motivations. For their third date, they ran a Valentine’s Day half-marathon that each had registered for independently.  “We cheer each other on,” Camilla, 26, says. “He keeps me accountable.” Ross, 32, says he feels “empowered by what we share.”

Like many women, she supposes, Camilla self-effaces more than her husband. “She’ll say she’s having ‘a fat day,’” Ross says. “I’ll reassure her that she’s gorgeous.” If he notices she’s gaining, though, he’ll make a joke about extra dessert. Likewise, Camilla will “make a side comment” if she notices weight gain in Ross. “If you can’t be responsible enough to take care of yourself, how are you going to take care of a family?” she asks.

2. She Lost Weight, Met a Guy — and Helped Him Become a Woman
Matilda’s ex-husband didn’t invite her to his work functions, claiming his coworkers wouldn’t take him seriously if they saw her. But he’d also pile clothes on their workout equipment, saying, “If you lose weight, you’ll leave me.” She ate for comfort, loathed herself for gaining weight, and then ate more, until she was almost 400 pounds.

Meanwhile, in a different city, Jake played sports, rode a unicycle, and “dreamed of living as a girl.” He told girlfriends, “If you see women’s underwear around here, it’s not some other girl’s, it’s mine.”

Matilda left her husband and began working out twice a day, six days a week. “I learned a lot about my willpower,” she says. She also began addressing “the whole tangled reason” behind her eating habits. “It’s easier to deal with your own stuff when you’re alone.” 

Jake and Matilda connected on a dating site for “open minds” and hit it off immediately. With Matilda’s support, Jake began transitioning to Sarah. “Matilda helped me feel better about my image,” Sarah, 30, says. “I’m concerned about my face and chest stubble. Matilda says, ‘No one can tell.’ It makes feel good that people see me as a girl. In public I don’t get the look of disapproval I used to get … My life has been blessed.”

As Sarah emerged, though, Matilda started gaining weight again. Matilda, 40, watched as friends gave Sarah size zero cast-offs. Her cut legs looked sexy in tights. “I grieved the future I’d once imagined, of having a good-looking guy who was just batty about me and vice versa,” Matilda says. Sarah “was going through this incredibly vulnerable thing,” so, ashamed of her own feelings, she didn’t share them. “I try to comfort Matilda, but she tries to deal with things on her own,” Sarah says. 

3. The Pregnant Body As Liberation
Ellen, 30, “felt blah” during her first trimester, but once she stopped throwing up and started showing, confidence was hers: “No one had ever smiled at my belly before. It felt nice.” Pregnancy liberated her from self-consciousness over belly fat, and during the second trimester, she and husband Gene, 30, started having sex again, “a lot.”

 “I didn’t think we’d be able to do certain positions but we could,” Gene says. “I felt the baby kicking right there between us … And you’re entering the hole the baby is to going exit. Weird is not descriptive enough a word.”

After giving birth, Ellen “was more focused on the baby than stretch marks … my body belonged to this little creature who was on me all the time.”  It was a few months before they had regular sex again. “Our son sucks on her breasts, which makes me not want to touch them. They used to be mine, sexual objects. Now they’re utilitarian,” Gene says.  “Now I look at other women’s breasts and think, ‘Oh, those serve a purpose.’” In response, Ellen laughs, “How enlightened of you!”

4. The Gym Rat Who Proposed on the Mat
George proposed to “gym rat” Jenny at their gym, moments after their regular boot camp class, because fitness “unites” them. Most mornings they rise together at 5:15 a.m. to start the day with a workout.

Jenny, 32, says, “I’m constantly staring at myself in the mirror deciding which body parts to hate, but if something were really bothering me, I wouldn’t say it.” Fiancé George, 52, says Jenny often asks whether her body has changed. “I’m not just going to say, ‘No,’” he says of his assessments. “I’m not going to have that kind of relationship. I want to be honest.” He asks her about his body, too.

“He’s always very kind,” Jenny says. “I can tell he’s choosing his words, like, ‘Your ass is not fat, it’s just a different shape.’” George replies, “Well, if you run uphill all the time, your ass is going to become a very specific shape.” After years of “being obsessed with these issues,” Jenny is sensitive about her body, but considers the shared exercise regime “putting the focus in the right place.” Jenny says, “I have better body image since meeting George. If I’m criticizing myself I can step back and see myself through his eyes.”

5. “Yup, I’m Fat.”
“I don’t mind if I’m fat, I just don’t want everyone to know,” Kevin, in his thirties, laughs. “It’s not a shameful thing” for men, he says. “It’s just a thing. Like, ‘Yup, I’m fat.’”

“I probably tease him just a little bit more,” his wife, Ana, says. “It’s pretty deeply engrained that he’d never comment on a women’s appearance. I’m sensitive. He’d probably fib to spare my feelings, even if I’m saying ‘Be honest with me.’” She continues, “I’m not petite, but he’s never given me any indication that that’s what he wants.”

When they exercise regularly, sex occurs more frequently, too. Ana says she’ll have more energy and will be “more confident, more playful, showier.” Otherwise she “just wants to flip the lights off and keep a shirt on and sex decreases.”

They usually diet and go to the gym together. Grocery shopping, Kevin says, can be “an impossible roadblock” because they “fundamentally disagree”; for example, about whether he should drink Diet Coke. “If I’m not exercising he’d never call me out,” Ana says. Kevin explains, “In general we say, ‘I’m fat and I’m not going to do this by myself, so what’s happening?’”

6. A Husband Finds Confidence After Grief
Doctors continually implied that the pain Kate felt during sex was “in her head,” so her husband Andrew, then a college student, concluded “she just didn’t want to have sex with me … I thought I was unattractive and I had to lose weight.” Already slender, he dropped about twenty pounds but “consistently felt overweight.” He says, “I was never forthcoming with her about it. I didn’t tell anyone about the anorexia.” When they’d been together four years, Kate was diagnosed with an inflammatory bladder condition and colon cancer in quick succession. She died soon thereafter.

Now in his early thirties and remarried, Andrew says, “None of those same issues come up in my current relationship with Hannah. She gives me a lot of confidence. It’s amazing, actually.” He talked openly with Hannah about his previous marriage and struggle with self-image “from the beginning.” He asks, “What am I holding on to? When my first wife passed away, why would I not be completely honest about everything?”

Hannah points out that the Baroque painter “Rubens’s women were considered beautiful because they were fleshy.” Fat meant money; “today, skinniness gives status.” She says Andrew tells her he loves her body every day, but after she lost the twenty pounds she’d gained “vegging out, taking advantage of his unconditional love,” he told her he’s more attracted to her “slimmer.”

 “When she has kids it’ll be hard for her to lose the weight, but that’s not something I really care about,” Andrew says. “Our relationship certainly transcends the physical.”

7. Doughnuts and OCD
“She brings Dunkin’ Donuts in the house!” Rufus exclaims. “Cook me vegetables!”

 “A forty-plus-year-old should have willpower!” Jenny playfully replies in mock anger. “I’m not cooking!”

 “After twenty-plus years of marriage,” she continues, “I can’t say, ‘Look, dear, you need to work out.’ We have to keep it lighthearted. We both know what we need to do.” She weighs herself daily, which Rufus considers “OCD.”

“I tell him I see rolls, and he tells me to stop looking,” Jenny notes. “If he loses his chest, I’ll still love my husband.”

His advice to young couples: “No harsh words.” Her advice: “Don’t expect to stay the same.”

8. “Your Body Doesn’t Belong to You.”
A lifelong athlete, Chelsea has always “needed the stress release” of regular exercise or else she’s “antsy.” Now the mother of two, the 36-year-old says her relationship with her body changed temporarily post-birth. With little free time, she struggled for two years to lose weight after her second pregnancy.  She and her husband had less sex: “I’m sure [my husband] noticed, but we didn’t have a specific conversation… Women are often more critical of themselves than they need to be.”

 “When you’re breastfeeding, your body doesn’t belong to you,” she says. “Someone attached to you needs you. And your husband needs your body parts too … I said, ‘My boobs are off-limits.’”

9. The Reformed Sun Goddess and Her Husband
Former “sun goddess” Tracey, 50, talked with her husband Daniel “about everything” happening to her body when her doctors told her melanoma would probably kill her. Through chemotherapy, surgeries, and blood transfusions, “I couldn’t accept that I had to leave my daughter.” A last-ditch experimental treatment worked. She’s been cancer-free for three years — and finds herself wearing bikinis un-self-consciously for the first time in much longer.

“You can look good to other people but not be fit,” she now realizes. Together she and Daniel, 58, adopted a carb-free Paleo diet. He stopped drinking beer. Even when he had a potbelly, Daniel thought that he and Tracey “always looked like a Hollywood couple.” He suspects he lacks machismo now: “I used to look a lot tougher and stronger. Guys want to be a tough guy. I don’t look like a threat.” But he feels better, and he and Tracey plan to stay this way. “I’m just happy to be here,” she says. “Young people don’t think about living a long life, they think about looking good, the now.”

10. Tuesdays with Weight Watchers
Three years ago, a TV show gave Jane and Mark’s backyard a makeover. “It’s not like we didn’t know we were overweight,” Jane says, but seeing themselves onscreen “scared” them for their health.

Mark, 50, changed his work schedule so he could walk Jane the three miles to and from her weekly Weight Watchers meeting on Tuesdays. He keeps walking while she’s in the meeting. “The momentum of two is tougher to stop. One pulls the other,” he says. Jane adds, “He knows anything could keep me on the couch. It’s a great time for the two of us. I have him all to myself, no distractions.”

After losing about seventy pounds over three years, Jane realized, “When I was heavy, I became invisible.” Now men open doors for her. Mark has lost weight but not as much as Jane. The pair rarely discussed their gradual weight gain, but Jane says, “His body type has zero affect in terms of how I feel about him … It’s not like, ‘Oh, great, now he’s sexy.’ That we’re healthier just means I’ve got a shot at spending more time with the person who makes me happy.”

11. His Weight Loss Signaled Illness — and Bonded Them Together
Soon after Kyle and Alison became fast friends, he began losing weight and suffering flu-like symptoms. They started dating in their late twenties. One month later, Kyle, already “damn near gaunt,” was diagnosed with cancer.

Even as Kyle underwent chemotherapy, he kept working as a social media strategist and “tried very hard to project independence. ” He had only recently moved out of his parents’ home and “didn’t want family doting.” Alison’s care allowed him his adulthood: “I tried to help him keep things as normal as possible,” she says.

Chemo so weakened Kyle that even picking a movie wore him out. Alison made their plans, and they often “restricted their radius to the neighborhood” because he was tired. Despite his illness, she didn’t consider leaving the burgeoning relationship. “I just wanted to hang out with him,” she says. Because Kyle’s illness immediately plunged them into “intensity,” “once in a while” she’d wonder, “Who’s he going to be in the future, my friend, my boyfriend, fiancé?”

Now that Kyle is cancer-free and they’re living together, they’re learning later than usual to negotiate “little New York couple things you take for granted,” like going out separately. Alison says that they “broke down the walls under a vastly different peril” means they can “broach uncomfortable topics” like how they’re feeling about themselves “without fear.” He adds, “It doesn’t mean it’s not awkward sometimes … But it never feels judgmental.”

When Your Husband Gets Fat

The man I love has put on a little weight.

I shouldn’t be shocked. Keeping the pounds off is one of the challenges of middle age. It’s a challenge that many of us don’t meet.  Next time you’re hanging with a crowd of your peers, look around.  Plump is the new normal.

When we met, 20 years ago, Mark was just my type. Tall, lean and muscular. Like Batman, without the bulk. (Or the crazy vigilante attitude.)  But recently, he’s begun to look less like Batman and more like Buddha.

Mark, of course, isn’t a crime-fighting superhero. When we were introduced, he owned a small used bookstore. But he always looked like,  if necessary, he could shed his glasses and spring into action.

So what happens when you fall for sexy young Marlon Brando and, years later, find yourself living with mammoth middle-aged Marlon Brando? Or you wed young Elvis, but it looks as if you’ll be celebrating your 30th wedding anniversary with Fat Elvis?

Weight happens. But, if you really love your partner, don’t you owe it to them to stay in shape?

Perhaps. But be reasonable. Maybe your wife was slim and lithe when you married. But after a couple of decades and a couple of kids, should you really expect a Jennifer Aniston look-a-like when the clothes come off?

I have a pal whose wife has put on weight since they tied the knot two decades ago. Occasionally, lean, health-conscious Jerry fusses at Greta to drop the pounds (ostensibly for health reasons) even though she’s amassed a weight (HA!) of scientific evidence to the effect that incremental middle-aged weight gain may actually be, health-wise, slightly protective.

“Greta asked what I wanted for our anniversary,“ he confided recently, “So I asked if she’d consider dropping a dress size.”

“How did that work out for you?”

A grimace. “She didn’t speak to me for 3 days.”

I’m with Greta.  She’s happy and healthy. Jerry just has to adjust. But when it comes to my own relationship? Suddenly I’m not so reasonable.

For years, Mark and I both stayed lean and fit. Then, three years ago,  for family reasons, he moved to West Virginia. While I’ve adapted to the long distance relationship, I now think of West Virginia as “The Weight Gain State” because, soon after becoming a resident, my man became stout.

A better woman would respond with,  “Not a problem! Now there’s more of you to love!”

Unfortunately, I’m not that wonderful.  And though there are plenty of women who really go for pot-bellied guys,  I’ve never been one of them.

When my beloved first turned up with a tummy, I gently expressed my feelings.  “I know that I’m being superficial,” I said, “but dudes who look like Santa in the sack are a great big turn-off for me.”

“I’ll lose the weight,“ he promised. He confessed that he didn‘t feel so good about being portly himself.

“Thanks, honey,” I said, relieved.

He dropped a few pounds. Then… nothing. That tummy, it seems,  is here to stay.

I still suggest that he lose weight from time to time, and he assures me that he’s trying. When it comes to dieting,  though, I ascribe to the Yoda School of Weight Loss: “Do or do not. There is no try.”

Have I adjusted to this new reality in a mature, responsible way,  relying on the wisdom I’ve accumulated over nearly six decades of life, resolving that my sweetie is such a wonderful guy that I can overlook a few extra pounds?

I wish. Instead, I’ve learned that it’s far too easy for this particular 59-year-old to get in touch with her inner kindergartener. Those playground taunts are still there, decades later. I don’t yell “Fatso!” when my beloved enters the room. And I never would. But I can’t deny that a part of me — infantile, outraged, frustrated, and unhappy —  wants to.

So what are you supposed to do when your partner changes?

Turn and face the strange changes a la David Bowie? Kick him to the curb and slap a new profile up on Match.com? Shut your eyes and think of Brad Pitt?

Trolling for AARP-aged dudes with hot bodies on Craigslist, is, of course,  totally out of the question.

Relationship Guru Dan Savage has opined that we owe it to our partners to stay in shape. If you let yourself go, you’re signaling that you just don’t care. “I know what you want,“ you’re telling your beloved, “But you won’t get it from me.“

I’ve kept trim and fit. It’s only fair that he, too, keep trim and fit. Yeah, but what if he can’t?

Should I overlook the fact that a dude who once looked like a superhero now looks like Winnie the Pooh? Let our relationship revert to the intense but platonic friendship it was when it began?

Shut my eyes and think of Batman?

I’m well aware of the fact that my inability to tolerate a few extra pounds on an otherwise delightful guy says a lot more about my own shortcomings than about his. (And God knows I’m far from flawless myself.) And yet, as Emily Dickinson wrote and Woody Allen famously repeated,  “the heart knows what it wants.”

Of course, as anyone in an enduring relationship knows,  the heart doesn’t always get what it wants.

Sometimes the heart has to settle.

(This essay first appeared on www.purpleclover.com)

When Your Husband Gets Fat was last modified: December 3rd, 2018 by Roz Warren

My husband finds my weight gain sexy. I don’t.

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Dear Prudence,

My husband and I have been married for about 15 years. During that time I’ve gained about 30 pounds. My husband has found it really sexy, which is great, but the problem is how much he likes to talk about it before and during sex: how much he likes my weight, how hot it would be if I gained more weight, how he’d like to feed me desserts until I’m “fat,” etc. I don’t find this talk sexy. I’m mostly happy with my body, but I still don’t like this conversation as foreplay. I don’t like feeling pressured to agree to gaining weight. I would like to start exercising more for health reasons, and when I hear his comments, it makes me feel like if my body changes again, it would be unwelcome. I’ve tried discussing this with him when we’re not having sex, and he reassures me that he’s going to love my body no matter what, but when it comes time to get sexy again the weight talk starts up. I’ve also tried to discern whether he just wants me to go along with it in the moment as a sort of role-playing thing, but his responses have been ambivalent. What bothers me most is that when I go along with it, in the absence of knowing for sure whether it’s just playing around, I feel like I’m making empty promises. Any ideas for how to address this?

—Weird Weight Comments

“I don’t find these conversations about weight gain sexy, and I haven’t been able to get a clear sense from you on what’s fantasy and what’s not. So I’d like you to stop talking about my size, what I eat, what you’d like to feed me, or what size you’d like me to be when we’re about to have sex. I’m glad you’ll love me no matter what size I am, but these comments are not doing it for me, and they make me really self-conscious.” That’s it! You might feel some pressure (either internally or from him) to just go along with this kind of talk, but given that it’s a real turnoff for you, that it makes you feel pressured to maintain a certain size, and he hasn’t been able to make it clear what’s role-playing and what’s an actual demand on your body, you’re well within your rights to declare this kind of talk off-limits.

Dear Prudence,

My partner of five years and I recently broke up. It was sad but amicable. We still live together for logistical reasons and are on good terms. I’ve assured her that she will always remain part of my family, as mine lives nearby and hers is several states away. One of my sisters is getting married next year. Should I plan to invite my ex-partner? My sister will make space for her if I ask her to. I want her there and want to give her enough notice, but I am getting fairly serious with another person and don’t want to offend her. Is it weird for an ex to attend a family member’s wedding?

—Still My Plus-One?

If the wedding is still a ways off—like, say, if invitations haven’t been sent out yet—then the best approach is likely to wait to see how serious your new relationship gets, how amicable things remain between you and your ex, and how close a connection your sister and your ex maintain. I don’t think there’s any reason to reserve a seat for your ex any earlier than absolutely necessary. If you want, you could set aside some time to talk to your ex about what kind of events she’d still like to be invited to, what relationships feel most important to maintain, what boundaries feel appropriate, and what she expects from you. That might help you clarify what otherwise feels like a murky area of etiquette. My guess, though, is that any other woman you get serious with will have to come to terms with the fact that you and your ex are close and likely to remain so. And if you’re worried your new girlfriend will be offended by your ex’s presence at the wedding, I think it’s best to raise that possibility with her now so you two have a chance to talk it over before the big day.

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Dear Prudence,

My entire teen years were spent in battle with my mother over my appearance. She wanted a doll she could dress up and dish about boys with, and she got a little hobgoblin instead. The more she pushed me to be “girly,” the more I clung to my weirdness. She refused to let me cut my hair, so I shaved my head before school. She gave me a $150 makeup kit; I gave it away. She got rid of all the pants in my closet, leaving me with nothing but skirts, so I stole my brother’s clothes. She said I would have to wear her clothes or go to school naked. I stripped my shirt off and walked down the street in my bra. We were at each other’s throats constantly, so I went to college on the other end of the state. I’m 19 now and feel a lot calmer. I’m mixing up my style, sometimes wear makeup, and even have a boyfriend. I haven’t told anyone in my family yet. I know my mother is going to gloat about how she was “right.” At that point, I might throw something at her head. How can I ask my mother to let it go or ask the rest of my family to intervene? At 14, I honestly thought I was unlovable because being pleasing to boys was the only measure of my worth. That was the message I got from my mom.

—Hobgoblin

I’m so sorry. That sounds exhausting and relentless, and you’re only, at best, a year out from this constant struggle with your mother. If nothing else, please know that you do not have to tell your mother (or anyone else in your family) a thing about your personal life, what you wear to class, whether you choose to wear eyeliner on a given day, or what store you’re shopping at. I’m glad you’re trying different things once they weren’t being crammed down your throat, but I think it’ll be in many ways the work of a lifetime, trying to unlearn some of your mother’s teachings about your worthiness being directly tied to how attractive men find you. And I’d encourage you to ask any relatives you think might be sympathetic to speak up if or when your mother starts to lay into you for wearing pants, or whatever she chooses to interpret as a sign that you’re failing to be a woman on any given day.

But mostly I think the way forward here is to continue to keep your distance from your mother—emotionally, physically, relationally—until she’s able to demonstrate real remorse for how she tried to control you and has gone months (maybe even years!) without commenting on your appearance or offering unsolicited advice about how to attract men. You’ve only been out of the house for a short while. Enjoy college! Study, make friends, date, try new things, wear unexpected outfits, take your time to develop an independent life far away from home before you worry about how your mother’s going to respond to it. If she asks you how college is, tell her a few light anecdotes about your professors and some of your suitemates, but save the more personal information for when she’s demonstrated she can be trusted with it.

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Dear Prudence,

I’ve been married for five years. We were together for 13 years before that. We have two young children under 5 and have been separated for a year. Our marriage was awful. He started a new business and had absolutely no time for me or the kids. He also resented that my younger siblings lived with us and said that was one of the reasons he didn’t want to spend time at home. He was neglectful, unsupportive, and distant. I threatened to leave daily, and sometimes he’d laugh. Eventually I found out that he had an online dating profile. He swore he never met anyone. I moved back home with my family, and that’s where I’ve been for a year. However, everyone in my family and his has pushed me to try again for the kids, saying I’ll regret it if I don’t give it one more chance, since he’s apparently changed and sorry and wants to be better. His business is more on track and he has more time. My heart says it’s not worth it. I was so unhappy and honestly can’t remember anything good from those years. But our relationship prior to marriage was good, and I do want to do what’s best for our kids. I’m so confused.

—Worth Trying Again?

Nowhere in your letter did you say that your husband has asked you to give your marriage another try. Your own relatives and your in-laws might want you to give him another chance, but they can’t ask for another chance on his behalf without his consent. If he’s really changed that much, if he’s really that sorry, and if he’s really interested in having a better marriage with you, then why hasn’t he bothered to say so in the last year? He apparently has “more time” but hasn’t apologized for the ways in which he hurt you, hasn’t expressed any direct interest in reconciliation, and hasn’t tried to discuss ways he could support you better as a partner in the future. Is “more time” really all you’d need from him in order to feel optimistic about giving your marriage another shot? I know you had a good long-term relationship with him before you got married, but if everything after the wedding has been that bad, and his attempt to rekindle something this inert and secondhand, I don’t think you have any reason to reconsider your decision to leave.

Besides, both of your children are young enough that they won’t have too many pre-divorce memories. Surely it would be better for them to grow up with two reasonably cooperative co-parents rather than witness neglect, mocking laughter, suspicions, infidelity, and desperation, followed by another separation. Focus on looking after yourself and your kids, figuring out where you’ll live after you move out of your family home, developing a workable custody agreement with your ex, and finalizing your divorce—not on giving in to your relatives’ wishful thinking.

Dear Prudence Uncensored

“Sure, we could talk about ways to eroticize a waffle every now and again. ”

Daniel Mallory Ortberg and Nicole Cliffe discuss this letter in this week’s Dear Prudence Uncensored—only for Slate Plus members.

Dear Prudence,

My best friend of 13 years hasn’t spoken to me in over a year. I’ve thought about reaching out to “Aberforth,” but I’m not sure how. I was out of town for a few years, and during that time he got into a serious relationship with a married woman. He had a breakdown several years in. She had been introduced as his “friend” and is often out of the country with her husband. At one point, he disappeared for months. When I finally got a hold of him and asked to meet up, he brought her along with him, and I felt ambushed. She chastised us for “gossiping” about her. I assured her that I didn’t know about most of the issues she brought up, and that whatever Aberforth had shared with me, I’d kept confidential. She didn’t believe me.

Aberforth told me that once I had returned home, he’d started having feelings for me and had the idea to cheat on her with me. I was shocked. Then he told me I was emotionally draining, which cut me to the core. I thought we had a mutually supportive friendship. I can’t help but blame his girlfriend for this shift in his character, but he still said those hurtful things to me himself. We didn’t really arrive at a solution and haven’t talked since. I miss him, and I’ve forgiven him, but I feel like I was used as a pawn in their relationship. Part of me still feels like I could get him to talk to me honestly and affectionately, as we used to.

What should I do? How do I move forward? I know I need to talk to someone, but I can’t afford my psychiatrist right now, as I’m presently unemployed. I have been diagnosed with anxiety disorder, bipolar disorder, and PTSD from a childhood trauma. I find myself second-guessing almost, everything including my relationships with people.

—Former Friend

I’m so sorry that you’ve felt unmoored and unable to see your psychiatrist. Not being able to afford the mental health care you need to take care of yourself is awful. You say you’ve been second-guessing yourself, so if it helps to have an outside perspective, please let me reassure you that the way Aberforth has chosen to treat you is unkind, ungenerous, unloving, and unworthy of a friend. And make no mistake, he’s chosen to treat you that way. I can understand why it feels like his girlfriend is the bad actor here, but he chose to date her, to allow her to be cruel to you, to instrumentalize you, and then to drop you from his life. No one made him do that. It may be very kind of you to want to forgive him, but please remember that he never actually apologized. That’s forgiveness he didn’t ask for and doesn’t think he needs. Whatever he’s going through right now, you can wish him well from a distance, while also recognizing that he’s hurt you and doesn’t seem to care about continuing your former friendship. I know it feels like if you just tried again that you could get the old version of him, but that has more to do with wishful thinking than anything he’s said or done recently.

If you have any other friends you talk to regularly, I hope you’ll consider telling at least one of them about what’s happened with Aberforth. To lose a friend of such long standing in such a strange and baffling way is disorienting, and it may help to share your burden with others, even if they don’t know him personally. I hope you can get as much support and reassurance as you possibly can from family members and (non-Aberforth) friends before you’re able to afford to see your psychiatrist again. You deserve it.

Dear Prudence,

My son and his new wife are finishing up college and relocating to our coast. We have a spare suite of rooms for them, and they will share the house while they look for work. Our son has always been difficult to be around (childhood bipolar). He is doing much better now, but we worry he or we will revert to old habits while they are here. What are reasonable rules for sharing the kitchen and respecting one another’s privacy during what will probably be an anxious and indeterminate time while they look for work? My spouse is especially anxious because he is bad at dealing with change.

—Living Peacefully With Adult Children

I think it’s a good idea to have a clear sense beforehand of just how long you’re offering these spare rooms to your son and his wife. What if it takes them a year to find work? What if it takes more than a year? Is there any point at which you’d either need to start charging rent or ask them to leave? What are your state’s tenant protection laws? What would be their legal rights in the event of an eviction, even if they had been living with you for free? Would you like to sign a lease with them or ask for a nominal monthly fee to cover bills, repairs, and general upkeep? Beyond that, you can establish whatever rules you like! It’s perfectly reasonable to have communal rules about cleaning up after cooking, quiet hours, knocking before coming into someone else’s side of the house, hosting guests, and so on. Do you want quiet hours to start at 11? Do you want a regular update from your son and his wife on how the job search is going? Do you want them to do their own grocery shopping?

I assume you don’t want to take the kind of responsibility for your son’s whereabouts and well-being you did when he was living at home before college, so try to think of him more as a housemate than a child (at least during the rules-drafting process). If you’re worried about reverting to old habits, talk to your son about this fear before you move in together and make a joint plan on how you might address them if they do come up. Decide on what would be a deal-breaker for you ahead of time, so you don’t have to figure that out in the moment, and make sure all parties know exactly what’s expected of them before they move all their stuff in.

Classic Prudie

My mom is 66 years old and has never been married or dated very much. She’s not rich and looks good for her age, but not unusually so. Last month, she told me her boyfriend was moving in with her, and this weekend I met him. Prudie, he’s my age (31), devastatingly handsome, nice, and seemingly intelligent. I’m totally baffled. My mom seems head over heels for him, and as far as I can tell, he reciprocates. I don’t even want to think about why my mom and this hottie are dating, but should I meddle or leave her alone? A part of me worries she’s being scammed in some elaborate way, and another part is just reeling.

Slate Plus members get extra questions, Prudie Uncensored, and full-length podcast episodes every week.

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When Your Spouse Gains Weight – Tips for a Happy Married Life – Mad About Marriage

Weight gain is a sensitive subject for most people. In fact, it is considered rude to point out that someone has gained weight. But what are you supposed to do if said someone is your husband or wife? How are you supposed to tell your spouse that his/her weight is affecting your married life together? It goes without saying that such a conversation requires a lot of tact and sensitivity.”

Couple walking ” (CC BY 2.0) by  donjd2 

What Not to Say

It may not seem like it, but your partner probably knows that he/she has gained weight. Therefore, it is important not to act like what you are saying is some kind of revelation. Saying “you’ve put on weight,” is the absolute worst way to start the conversation because it makes your spouse feel like they have to defend themselves.

Timing is another important factor to consider when you are broaching the subject of weight gain to your wife or husband. Saying “you shouldn’t be eating that”, “haven’t you had enough” or pretty much anything that has to do with weight gain when your partner is enjoying a meal is an awful way to bring up your concerns. It implies judgment and can negatively impact other aspects of your married life.

Another thing that you should not do is bring up loss of physical attraction or lack of intimacy in marriage. The last thing that your spouse wants to hear is that you are no longer attracted to them or that they are the cause of your intimacy issues.

What to Say

One subtle way to bring up the issue of weight gain is to not mention weight at all and instead ask your spouse how they are feeling and whether or not they are okay. The reason this works is because weight gain is often tied to emotional issues such as low self-esteem, frustration and depression. Dealing with the underlying emotional issues first makes it a lot easier to deal with the issue of weight gain.

Another neat trick is to turn the issue into a “we” problem. Instead of pointing the finger at your wife or husband, suggest that you both start eating healthier and working out. Your spouse will probably figure out that this was more about them than you, but they’ll appreciate that you are willing to accompany them on their journey to health.

If your spouse has been eating right and staying active but he/she is still gaining weight, you could suggest a medical evaluation. This helps to eliminate the possibility of a hidden medical problem such as chemical or hormonal imbalance.

Weight gain can cause a lot of issues in married life such as lack of physical attraction and intimacy, loss of self esteem, a general lack of passion for life and serious health problems. For this reasons, you can’t afford to ignore it. You just have to be tactful about how you bring it up.

Fat wife? Is weight gain a reason for divorce?

A friend was telling me of her new diet and plans to lose 20 lbs. “I told Jack (her husband of 10 years), ‘I’m so sorry I got fat since we married!’” From everything I can tell, their relationship is thriving, but my friend has a deep-rooted sense that she has an obligation to make efforts in her appearance and weight.

This is no 50s housewife. This is a progressive, fabulous professional woman who enjoyed an adventurous love life for years before marrying a wonderful (also progressive and fabulous) man. I admit I was a bit taken aback by her commitment to maintaining her figure for her husband. The partyline progressive and feminist (is that redundant?) stance is that it doesn’t matter what you look like! He should love you/be committed no matter what! Conforming appearances for your partner’s sexual desire is degrading! It’s what’s inside that matters.

Like many progressive and feminist issues, this one does not take into account the very human nature of dudes and chicks. There is no arguing with the fact that men are more visually inclined. Sure, there have been a couple of recent studies that challenge this stereotype, but suffice it to say that an MSNBC poll a few years ago revealed that half of men would dump his female partner if she got fat (just 20 percent of women said the same of their husbands and boyfriends). According to my own scientific research (dating a bunch of divorced guys), I can tell you that if his wife got fat, it bugged him. Even the really progressive and feminist guys. And, I might add, especially the professionally successful ones.

Struggling with the end of a relationship — or deciding whether or not to leave your partner? Consider online therapy. BetterHelp has an A+ Better Business Bureau rating, and allows you to choose from thousands of certified and licensed therapists. Prices starting at $65 per week for unlimited messaging and weekly live sessions. Financial assistance is available. Use this link to get 10% off and get connected with a therapist immediately >>

Fat wife skinny husband

Admit it, you are like me. When I see a handsome man accompanied by a heavy wife (no matter how pretty or wonderful or professionally accomplished), I wonder: Is he faithful? Do they still have sex? Does her weight bug him? Why did she let herself go? The more successful he is, the more questions arise. Yes, the same questions are evoked when a gorgeous, brilliant woman is partnered with an overweight and unattractive man. But that is just different, and you know it. It is that old, old supposedly anthropologically based social norm that a man’s value in the mating marketplace is dictated by his professional and financial success, and a woman’s value by her physical beauty and ability to charm at the company holiday party. But we can make our own money now. That is both awesome and the source of much grief in our personal lives, including that balancing work and family leaves less time to exercise, which makes us fat and more vulnerable to being dumped for it.

I get this, and I respect it.

I’ve also lived it.

I’ve written here about one post-divorce affair in which my boyfriend went out of his way to let me know I was not attractive enough for him – including being too fat. This was particularly devastating because he was not better looking or more successful than l was.  WTF?  I’d think time and again as I nursed my self esteem.

I did date a very handsome and successful man when I was in my early 20s (about 20 lbs ago) and as the relationship went on and his career exploded, my physical appearance came into question in subtle but painful ways. Eventually he left me for his very pretty and petite co-anchor on the national evening news, where he was a rising star in his Eastern European country. I google him every now and again and he is just as good-looking as I remember and is incredibly successful—and according to the gossip sites in that country, he has consistently upgraded to increasingly, devastatingly beautiful (and thin) women as his career skyrockets.

On the one hand, what can you do? On the other: Ouch!

He says: “My wife got fat.”

A few months ago I heard from a reader who felt guilty because he wasn’t attracted to his after she gained weight. 

“I used to think guys were assholes who cheated on their wives and blamed their weight as the reasons. Well, my was really fit and hot for the first 5 years of our relationship.

“But she wife pigged out like crazy when she was pregnant with our twins, and would tell everyone that she was ‘treating’ herself. Well, now the kids are 5 years old, and she doesn’t work, the kids are in kindergarden all day, she has tons of free time, and has made no effort to get back into shape. I go the gym or jog 4-5 days per week, and have offered to help her find a routine (with me taking care of the kids, etc.) so she can go to the gym, but she ignores me. I’ve taken over cooking so we all eat healthier, but she eats chips and ice cream all evening. 

“I am in good shape, and I see that women check me out. She is overweight by at least 30 lbs and does not otherwise care for her appearance. When we do have sex, it is hard for me to really be into it. I’ll be honest: I feel like is unfair that she gets to have sex with someone who goes to the gym, and I don’t.

“There is a woman at work who is my age, also has kids, and takes care of herself. She is not even my type, but I find myself so attracted to her, her body, and fantasizing about her all the time. I feel guilty, that this superficial thing makes me feel like such a bad dad and husband. 

“But at the end of the day, I feel like I give my wife the gift of my own health and attractiveness, and she does not return the favor.”

She asks: “Will losing weight help my marriage?”

It might. Any effort to take care of and love yourself will improve your self-confidence, which improves relationships in your life — including your marriage. This new dynamic also may highlight other flaws in your relationship that have nothing to do with your weight.

“I feel too fat for my husband.”

We all want to be with someone we are attracted to both in and out of bed, and who we are proud to be seen with. Weight, fashion and other variants vary by person. This is not wrong.

Can you talk to your husband about how you feel? Do you want to take extra care of your health and appearance?

How to feel sexy and confident when you feel old, gross and fat

“My husband says my weight is a problem.”

Listen to him. He wants you to be attractive — and healthy. If you are unhealthy, that affects the activities and lifestyle you two can enjoy together. It also shows that you care about not being a burden and dependent on him if your health fails.

Now, if you do live a healthy lifestyle, and maintain a healthy weight, the problem may be him and his ego. If he is mean about sharing this concern, he is otherwise unhappy in the relationship and/or an asshole. There are other issues in this relationship you need to address.

“My husband is not attracted to me because I gained weight.”

Often, the issue is not just the weight. It is that you stopped caring about your health and appearance. It may be that the emotional or intellectual connect is no longer there — or was never there in the first place. Weight and appearance are important — but usually part of a more complex picture of your relationship.

Why do wives get fat?

The reasons wives get fat are the same reasons everyone else gets fat: 

• Not prioritizing health
• Too little time to exercise and/or cook healthy foods 
• Childbirth and nursing tend to be connected with weight gain 
• Emotional issues involving food, self-image and connection to our physical selves, which can stem from deep and old wounds 
• She is pushing him away. Whether consciously or consciously, she may really be unhappy in the marriage, and knows that her weight is an easy way for him to blame her for the end of the relationships—and for her to label him a superficial jerk for not loving her no matter what. 
• People are complicated and complex.
• Marriages are complicated and complex. 

This Cornell University study found some interesting takeaways about marriage and weight gain:

• Married people are heavier than single people
• Obese women are happier than other women in their marriages. Researchers suspect this is because they appreciate that their value on the singles market is low, and therefore are contented with their marriages than thinner women. 
• Obese men were less happy with their wives than other men, because, the paper proposes, their wives nag them about their weight, which causes marital conflict, and because men do not internalize societal fat-shaming as much as women.

Mommy makeover after pregnancy

According to the American Society of Plastic Surgery, “‘Mommy makeover’ is a catch-all phrase that refers to a specialized combination of body contouring procedures, performed together to improve the physical changes that linger long after pregnancy. One reason for its popularity is that the mommy makeover has no set components; each procedure is custom-tailored to fit the individual patient’s unique needs. However, the surgical approach generally starts with a breast and abdomen contouring procedure, then adding additional elements as needed.”

Brenda commented on her mommy makeover in our Millionaire Single Moms Facebook group:

Best decision ever. Even if you gain a bit of weight back you still will always look better. It was $12,000 for tummy tuck, breast augmentation and lipo to love handles area. It’s been over 10 years since I had it done.

Kelly also had one:

I had a full tummy tuck and breast lift 5 years ago. Best decision ever. Having had two C-sections, my tummy was terrible even though I was a runner and did Pilates twice a week. Tummy tuck fixed it and my boobs are perfection. I’d do it all over again a million times over. The confidence it has given me was worth every penny!

Other women say that the procedure was very painful, interfered with breastfeeding, and had long recoveries.

What’s included in a mommy makeover?

The components of a mommy makeover can include:

• Breast augmentation or implants
• Breast lift
• Breast reduction
• Tummy tuck
• Circumferential abdominoplasty
• Liposuction

What is the recovery for a mommy makeover?

According to the ASPS, mommy makeovers are outpatient surgeries, though sometimes it helps to spend the night at the hospital to rest. Recovery takes from 1 to 2 weeks, and expect to be sore and tired for a few days after the procedure. Pain medications mean you will not be allowed to drive until you are off meds and have an OK from the surgeon.

No heavy lifting (including babies) for six weeks, and expect swelling for six months.

What does a mommy makeover cost?

Depending on what procedures you get, where you live and which medical facility you choose, the cost of mommy makeover plastic surgery is between $9,000 and $20,000

Will insurance pay for my mommy makeover?

Plastic surgery is not covered by insurance. However, sometimes insurance companies do cover breast reduction surgery if you can show that it is required for health purposes.

Noom diet plan reviews

Learn how diet app Noom works to see if it’s right for you. 

Is Noom legit?

Some third-party research shows Noom is effective at helping people lose weight. For a study in the journal Scientific Reports, researchers analyzed data from 35,921 obese and overweight Noom users reported that 77.9% of them had a reduction in body weight while using the app. 

According to this study, about 30% of users lost less than 5% of their body weight, while approximately 24% of users lost between 5 and 10%. A smaller %age of people lost more than 10% of their body weight while using the app. 

What does Noom actually do?

Noom is a subscription-based weight loss app that allows you to track the foods you eat and log your weight, exercise, blood pressure, and blood sugar. Noom’s food database contains more than 3 million foods and classifies them based on calories as green (eat as much as you want), yellow (eat in moderation), and red (eat sparingly) to guide your eating choices. 

Noom also offers one-on-one health coaching, pairing you with a personal coach for weekly check-ins via private messaging in the app. Outside of those weekly check-ins, you can contact your coach via message through the app anytime during regular business hours (9 a.m.-5 p.m. EST), for no additional cost. 

You’ll also be added to a group text chat with other Noom users so you can celebrate wins, vent frustrations, and ask questions. Noom will also send you daily articles and information in the app to educate you on nutrition and healthy living during your weight loss journey. 

Here’s how it works: 

1. Download the app (it’s available on iOS and Google). 

2. Sign up for an account. 

3. Answer questions about your current weight, goal weight, eating and fitness habits, lifestyle, and health concerns.  

4. Sign up for Noom’s recommended subscription plan and get started using their services. 

How much does Noom cost?

Noom comes with a 14-day free trial and costs $59 per month once the trial is over. 

You can also sign up for a longer commitment. (Noom recommends a subscription length based on your answers to the quiz you took after registering for an account.) 

Pricing for multi-month subscriptions looks like this:

• $59 for 1 month
• $99 for 2 months, or $49 per month
• $129 for 3 months, or $43 per month
• $139 for 4 months, or $35 per month
• $149 for 5 months, or $30 per month
• $159 for 6 months, or $27 per month
• $169 for 7 months, or $24 per month
• $179 for 8 months, or $22 per month
• $199 for 12 months, or $17 per month

You will be charged the full price of your subscription upfront as soon as your 14-day trial ends. (You can cancel anytime during the trial.) 

All memberships auto renew, and your credit card will be charged at the end of your billing cycle unless you cancel before the next period starts. To cancel, message your personal coach in the app. 

Noom reviews

Noom has mixed reviews. 

Noom has a 4.4/5-star customer rating on Trustpilot based on more than 30,000 reviewers. Reviewers there say the app is easy to use and the coaches are motivating and supportive. Some reviewers say Noom has taught them how to eat healthier. Examples include:

The company has a D rating from the Better Business Bureau (BBB) and a 2.96/5-star customer rating on the BBB site. Most of the complaints are around payment: In some cases, reviewers say they were charged in full for their membership before their 14-day trial period ended. Other reviewers say canceling is difficult because you have to message your coach rather than being able to cancel your subscription on your own. 

Users who’ve left reviews on Reddit say they like how the app cheers you on for completing tasks like logging meals. However, they note that you can’t actually talk to a coach until after your 14-day trial period is over. While some Reddit reviewers say Noom offers a more customized experience than other weight loss apps, others complain that the advice from Noom’s coaches is too generic. 

Get your free 14-day Noom trial now >>

How to deal with an overweight spouse

1. Talk to them about it — don’t pretend this is not an issue, or that you are being petty. Extra weight is arguable the most unhealthy condition a person can face. And your lack of attraction because of it is normal and worth addressing.
2. Start with the positive. That you love them — list specific things — and that you are committed to the relationship (if this is true).
3. Be blunt: “I am worried about your weight.”
4. Be collaborative: “Let’s get on a plan together to get in better shape.”
5. Be specific: “Let’s try intermittent fasting, cut out all the red meat we eat, and commit to working out three days each week.”

You may consider seeking a third-party support, such as a personal trainer to share, a nutritionist, or an app like Noom, which is growing in popularity.

Here are some YouTube success stories of moms who lost weight, including fat-to-fit stories, and questions about fat-shaming moms:

.

Relationship/marriage counseling when a husband or wife gets fat 

A skilled couples therapist—whether you are married or not—can be instrumental in helping your communicate your needs and stresses in the relationship. A good relationship counselor will also help you and your husband or wife uncover the deeper reasons that you are not connecting any more—and help you realign once again.

Couples counseling can be very challenging for reasons that include practical ones:

• It is hard to schedule a time that works for both of you—including location and driving to and from the session
• Cost, since insurance rarely pays for therapy any more 
• Finding a couples counselor that you both like, which is especially hard in smaller communities that have fewer mental health professionals 

Online therapy platforms are a great option. BetterHelp has an A+ Better Business Bureau rating, and allows you to choose from thousands of certified and licensed therapists. With prices starting at $65 per week for unlimited messaging and weekly live sessions, BetterHelp is extremely convenient and efficient. Financial assistance is available. Check out BetterHelp now >>

Or, research reviews of the top online therapy sites to find the help you need, now.

If your marriage or relationship is really headed for divorce, be smart and start planning. Here is what every mom should ask for in divorce negotiations.

Here is my female counter-anecdote: My husband was mostly fit, though he put on a few pounds after we married, which bothered him, and made him worry it bothered me. It didn’t (though his self-consciousness did). I have always taken care of myself, though I could stand to lose a good 10-15 lbs. People often remark that I always look nice and wear makeup every day, even though I almost always work from home. During one marriage counseling session, in a plea for more appreciation, I mentioned that I freshened up my makeup before my husband came home. “Wow, that is really something—women hardly ever do that,” the therapist said (cue gloating).

On the other hand, my current boyfriend has a really killer body. Seriously, I cannot get enough of his broad shoulders and muscular ass. We recently went to the theater and I spent the whole two hours clawing at his huge arms. His back is so rock-solid I sometimes wonder if I’m not sleeping with David, looted from Florence. His physique is not the main attraction, but it is an important one. As our relationship develops—and our bodies deteriorate as bodies are prone to do—I would hope that our intellectual and emotional rapport would deepen, and replace to a degree my focus on being ravished by his man-body. But, of course, if in years to come, the socks-on-the-floor and other minor and major grievances mushroom into serious relationship friction, I can imagine piling onto the list a flabby tummy or swinging triceps. In other words: If the relationship is solid, bodies matter less. But when things go south—drooping boobs and a sagging ass seem that much more egregious—especially if we’re talking about something within the person’s control, like weight gain.

But this all comes down to expectations from the very beginning. I can imagine my boyfriend’s inevitable physical decline bugging me more than my ex-husband’s because his is better to start with. His bod plays a larger role in our story, and—should things head that way—the expectations for the long-term. Marriage, after all, is an agreement and a business deal based on current expectations. You expect going forward what you sign up for today. It’s not reasonable for a man to be be surprised his wife doesn’t acquire a string-bikini-worthy body 20 years into their relationship if she was plump when they met.

“My husband left me because I gained weight”

Does your divorce story start and end with, “My husband left me because I got fat”?

Maybe a boyfriend broke up with you because you gained weight. 

Maybe he had an affair with a thinner woman, or started dating a smaller girlfriend shortly after you divorced. Maybe he told you: “I’m not attracted to you anymore because you are overweight, and I want a divorce.”

I imagine that hurts like hell. After all my own, related shame around my body in romantic relationships hurt really badly, even though it was not a full marriage at stake. 

But I am not going to let you off that easily. Two big points:

1. It takes two people to make a marriage work, and it takes two people to end it. If your weight were the single deal-breaker in keeping the marriage together (which it never is, keep reading), then why wouldn’t you just lose the weight? 

2. It is never just about the weight. Fat people stay happily married all the time. So do couples in which one is fit and the other is not. Weight is like money in a marriage: It does not help or hurt a  marriage in and of itself. What the thing does is highlight other, deeper, more human parts of the people involved, and the inner workings of the relationship itself. 

As psychiatrist Gail Saltz told the Today Show:

“Your turned-off feelings likely have to do with a lot more than weight. I suspect there are other issues that are harder to pinpoint: You are angry at your wife, you feel awkward being honest with her, you have let your lives become dominated by workday things, you have trouble communicating.

“I’m not saying that having an overweight spouse has no impact on your sex life. Sure, your wife might be less attractive to you in the physical sense. And being overweight sends a negative message — that your wife doesn’t care enough about herself, the marriage or whether you have sex. Now, you fear saying anything and she feels you are pulling away, so you are wary around each other, setting off a vicious circle of avoidance and annoyance.”

What to do if your spouse or significant other gains weight and you want to leave him/her

First of all, just be honest with your partner. Maybe you sit down and tell them:

“I really love you, and I want desperately to make this relationship to work. For me, that includes each of us taking care of our health and physical appearance. That includes weight.”

If things have gotten this far without this level of honesty (which is likely a sign of your kindness!), then bring in a professional.  

Is weight gain a reason for divorce?

Weight gain is really never the reason for divorce. The weight symbolizes a lack of effort to maintain the relationship, lack of sexual connection, failure to prioritize health or simply a growing apart.

Plus, people have divorced for far, far less.

15 signs your husband or wife wants a divorce

This post was originally published Nov. 9, 2014. 

90,000 How to help my husband lose weight? – Amurskaya Pravda

A man needs understanding, help and support in the fight against obesity

– Anna, how to determine that the weight for a particular man becomes critical and it is vital for him to start reducing it?

– In dietetics there is a clear indicator, but not by weight, but by the volume of the abdomen. If a man’s belly volume at the navel is more than 92-94 centimeters, then he is at risk for diseases associated with overweight and obesity.If the volume of the abdomen is more than 102 centimeters, this may already indicate the presence of cardiovascular diseases, hypertension, heart attacks, strokes, impotence, which is huge and masculine, and what can I say – a woman’s problem. By the way, men are always urged to fight extra pounds by a drop in testosterone and libido, and this inevitably happens when a large amount of adipose tissue is formed. But according to the ratio of weight to height, it is not always possible to say whether a man needs to lose weight. It is important to determine what percentage of adipose tissue a particular man has.Sometimes it happens that outwardly a man looks quite presentable, but the percentage of adipose tissue has long exceeded the norm.

– Why does it often happen: people get married thin and slender, and after a few years of family life they suddenly round up? In general, who is biologically more inclined to be overweight – women or men?

– Of course, women. Men have a different hormonal background, they have higher metabolic processes, that is, they are by nature less prone to obesity.But it often happens that in a young family improper eating behavior is established, habits change radically. For example, before the lovers walked a lot, rode bicycles, but now, due to the busy work schedule, they meet only in the evenings, and, in fact, the only thing that unites them is the table. As a result, both husband and wife gain weight.

– Can stress be one of the reasons for weight gain?

– Of course. Family life is always a growing tension.After all, responsibility appears in marriage, conflict situations arise from time to time, children appear, you need to maintain relationships with your wife’s relatives, and so on. Often, stress is relieved, for example, by alcohol or fatty and sugary foods. I ate deliciously – and, as it were, it became easier. Therefore, all family feasts, on the one hand, relieve the atmosphere, and on the other hand, they contribute to weight gain. Or, for example, the wife thinks that she should take special care of her husband. But as? Tasty and satisfying to feed him! And he begins to literally feed the man.He is, of course, pleased. But the weight is growing!

– At what age do you usually gain weight?

– Previously it was believed that women are 40-45 years old, men – 45-47 years old. And now, due to the fact that all over the world food has become more fatty, refined, it contains a lot of sugars, the peaks of obesity have shifted to the lower side. For women, they are now 35-40 years old, for men – 40-45. But in any case, after 40 years, everyone needs to be more attentive to their weight.

– What happens to the body when a man gains 10-15 kilograms of excess weight?

– Men tend to gain weight in the abdomen – like the “apple”. If the abdominal area increases, then there is an additional load on the internal organs and on the cardiovascular system. In this case, not only metabolic processes are disturbed, but the vascular walls also suffer. Therefore, even with a small weight gain, a man may encounter pressure surges, that is, arterial hypertension occurs.Problems with the kidneys and heart may appear. If before a man ran, jumped, easily climbed to his floor, now, at the slightest exertion, shortness of breath occurs.

– What happens to your intimate life?

– 10 extra pounds will not create any serious problems with potency, there will not be a serious drop in the main male hormone – testosterone. But in the future, when obesity reaches the 2nd and 3rd degree, excess weight will certainly affect the intimate sphere.

– How can a woman delicately hint to a man that it is time for him to start losing weight?

– It is important to make it clear that what worries first of all is not the new appearance of your loved one, but his health. Men already have a shorter life expectancy than women. And in the first place among the causes of death – just the consequences of weight gain, obesity. Therefore, here you need to clearly convey your feelings to your beloved: “Dear, I accept you by anyone, but I am worried about your health.”And it also happens: the wife begins to take care of herself, changes the diet in the family – and her husband, without even noticing, sheds a certain amount of kilograms.

– That is, the wife no longer bakes pies and cakes – and the weight starts to go away for both?

– Yes, and she also does not fry vegetables for borscht in fat, there is no mayonnaise or beer in the refrigerator. These are the little things that change the usual calorie content, and the spouses lose up to seven to ten kilograms. That is, a woman begins to delve into healthy eating – and the whole family switches to healthy food.

– What responsibilities should a woman take on if her husband decided to lose weight?

– Usually the husband, coming from the nutritionist, gives his wife a list of permitted foods. She prepares food, puts portions in containers, and her husband honestly eats only what he is allowed to. That is, the nutritionist is dealing with a wife, whom he may have never seen. We even joke: we tell the patient that, in order not to get fat again, he needs to hold on to this woman all his life.But it happens that a losing weight man, having prepared a couple of dietary meals for himself, suddenly discovers a culinary talent in himself. And even starts cooking for the whole family!

– This, perhaps, deserves special praise?

– In general, perhaps the main task of a woman is to praise her man! One of the most important factors after dieting is social support. But it happens that women, on the contrary, provoke their men: “Let’s have a normal dinner on Friday, have a glass of wine” … Such breakdowns can seriously interfere with a man.There are also funny situations. For example, the wife conscientiously counted the calorie content of her husband’s food, but she added an extra portion of oil to the prepared dishes, since in fact she was jealous of him and did not want him to become slim.

– What if the husband himself violates the weight loss plan? To scold?

– We must remember that being overweight is a disease. And it is customary for a sick person to lend his shoulder for support, and not to scold him … Sometimes relatives do not understand how hard it is for those who are losing weight – especially with obesity of the 2nd and 3rd degree.These people may have an overwhelming food cravings. They get up at night and prowl in search of food that is forbidden for them – some favorite cookies, buns … During this period, there is no need to bring cakes, rolls, fatty meat and fish, bacon, sushi to the house. For some reason, everyone thinks that sushi is low in calories, but this is not so. There is no need to “tease” loved ones with this food, it is already hard for them. Obese people in general are often accused of lack of willpower and of suffering from food cravings, little is written about it.Overcoming this urge, men become irritable. But the wife must remember that this is not forever, that this is a temporary phenomenon, that soon her husband will become a completely different person – healthier, slender and calm.

– What are the basic principles for those who decided to lose weight on their own?

– If your man decides to lose weight, you should be prepared for the fact that he will eat more often – from five times a day or more. A losing weight man can eat even at night if he is awake and working at this time.The second principle: you need to provide him with a balanced meal. Men, in comparison with women who are losing weight, may have more meat, fish, seafood, egg white, and cottage cheese in their diet. A man should not “lose” his muscle framework, and protein is needed to maintain it. Without “long carbohydrates” – and these are almost all cereal side dishes – you can lose muscle mass and get an irresistible craving for sweets: the body will begin to demand it. This often happens: a man “sat” on squirrels with vegetables, never liked sweets – and suddenly begins to absorb sweets, like a sentimental woman! This suggests that he has a “carbohydrate thirst”.

– How much sport is necessary for men in the process of losing weight?

– Here’s an interesting point. We do not recommend increasing physical activity for women with a large weight, sometimes it is categorically contraindicated for them. And for men it is very useful. Of course, with obesity, you do not need to run and jump, as this will put a lot of stress on the spine and joints, but, for example, walking – both Scandinavian and simple – is very useful.Men often start by walking and then gradually move on to exercise machines. They, unlike women, have a chance to lose weight through exercise, exercise.

– Anna, another question: if it is impossible to do without family festive lunches and dinners , how can a plentiful, but not harmful to weight and health feast look like?

– You can arrange a feast – and maintain a figure, and even continue to lose weight! The table should contain lean meats and fish, seafood, vegetables and fruits.They are now on sale all year round. You need to get rid of fatty sauces such as mayonnaise and the like. But the main thing is not to confuse holidays and weekdays, not to arrange feasts every day for different reasons.

– Could there be wine, champagne, and other light alcoholic drinks on such a table?

– If the diet is designed for several months, then in the first month, when new eating habits are formed, it is better to abstain from alcohol. Alcohol, even light alcohol, can slow the rate of weight loss and stimulate appetite.But in the second, third and subsequent months, dry wine in reasonable quantities is allowed. A glass of wine, of course, can decorate a romantic dinner for a couple!

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7 reasons for being overweight in women

July 25, 2014

Obesity is almost always accompanied by overeating and physical inactivity. But there are other reasons that, directly or indirectly, trigger the mechanism for gaining excess weight:

1.Marriage.

It often happens that a girl who is slender before marriage quickly turns into a fat plump after the wedding. This may be due to a change in your eating habits. A young wife begins to cook a lot and with pleasure for her family, tries all this, eats and, accordingly, inevitably gains weight. Sometimes the fact that the woman calms down: the husband is found, it is no longer necessary to take care of oneself leads to completeness after marriage. She stops exercising and eating restrictions like she used to.

2. Pregnancy.

The excess weight that some women allow themselves to gain during pregnancy, in fact, is far from good for the body. Excess internal fat prevents the growing uterus from taking a normal position in the abdominal cavity. In this case, the uterus presses on the bladder and intestines, impairing the functioning of these organs. Therefore, the wrong belief that a pregnant woman should eat for two and rest more on the couch can harm her. The normal course of pregnancy and childbirth is more often observed in those women who do not overeat, try not to gain excess weight and get adequate physical activity, and do not lie in front of the TV all day.

3. Postpartum completeness.

While many women who have given birth quickly regain their shape, a certain number of new mothers are unable to lose weight. They remain complete for all subsequent years after the birth of the child. Why is this happening? Naturally, the hereditary factor and the state of metabolism play a role here. But very often a woman simply does not want (or thinks that she cannot) do anything with her excess weight. However, nevertheless, the examples of many famous young mothers who have recently given birth to children suggest that being a mother and staying slim is quite possible.A balanced diet and sports always do their job flawlessly, no matter what anyone says.

4. Hormonal contraceptives.

Taking oral contraceptives can also lead to an increase in body weight. In this case, it is difficult to deal with the problem, but it is also possible. It is necessary to reduce the amount of food, stop eating too high-calorie foods, and improve the work of the intestines. If the body stops spending energy on the production of certain hormones, receiving them “for free”, and the intake of calories does not decrease, the weight will increase.That’s the whole reason for “being fat from hormones.”

5. Menopause.

Many women associate weight gain with the onset of menopause. One of the reasons for being overweight after 50 years can be called a decrease in metabolism. Older people need much less food than younger people. But it often happens that over the years, women begin to indulge their weaknesses, motivating this by the fact that “there is little joy in life anyway.” Why so few? The problems inherent in this period of life are easily eliminated today. See your doctor, and he will tell you what drugs will help correct the emerging hormonal imbalance.And after 50 you can lead an active lifestyle and look good. Everything depends on you.

6. Hormonal imbalance.

Endocrine glands are organs that constantly produce and release into the blood a certain portion of hormones. Disruption of their work can also lead to an increase in body weight. This is especially true for the work of the thyroid gland, pituitary gland, adrenal glands and gonads. These organs significantly affect the functions of our body. Even the emotional state depends to some extent on their work.If you are overweight and cannot lose weight in any way, be sure to check with an endocrinologist.

7. Psychological causes of obesity.

Some obese women do not even suspect that severe psychological complexes are the cause of their obesity. In other words, they just eat up their insecurity, boredom and fear. Such people do not feel loved and needed by their relatives and friends. They have no interesting business or hobbies. They live without joy.Trying to compensate for the lack of positive emotions with food, they buy another box of chocolates, thinking that this will make them happier at least for a while. In fact, the pleasure lasts exactly the time during which they absorb the delicacy. Immediately thereafter, a growing sense of guilt and shame begins to eat away at them. The woman is angry with herself that she again could not resist and ate sweets. So, I got a couple of hundred extra grams.

Before starting the fight against obesity, analyze the reasons for your own obesity.Perhaps then you can solve your problem much more efficiently.

90,000 degrees, types, causes, symptoms, treatment, prevention at home

A diet high in simple carbohydrates. The role of carbohydrates in weight gain is unclear. Carbohydrates raise blood glucose levels, which in turn stimulates the production of insulin by the pancreas. Insulin promotes the growth of adipose tissue and can cause weight gain. Some scientists believe that simple carbohydrates (sugar, fructose, desserts, soft drinks, beer, wine, etc.)promote weight gain because they are absorbed into the bloodstream faster than complex carbohydrates (pasta, brown rice, grains, vegetables, raw foods, fruits, etc.). Thus, they cause a more pronounced release of insulin after a meal than complex carbohydrates. This higher release of insulin is thought to contribute to weight gain.

Frequency of meals. The relationship between meal frequency (how often you eat) and weight is somewhat controversial.There are many reports of overweight people eating less frequently than normal weight people. Scientists have observed that people who eat small meals four or five times a day have lower cholesterol levels and lower or more stable blood sugar levels than people who eat less often (two or three large meals a day). One possible explanation is that frequent small meals provide stable insulin levels, while large meals cause large spikes in insulin after a meal.

Medicines. Medicines associated with weight gain include certain antidepressants (used to treat depression), anticonvulsants (to control seizures such as carbamazepine and Valproate), certain diabetes medicines (to lower blood sugar such as insulin, sulfonylureas, and thiazolidinediones), some hormones, most corticosteroids such as prednisone. Certain high blood pressure medications and antihistamines cause weight gain.The reasons for weight gain with medication are different for each drug.

Psychological factors. Emotions affect eating habits in some people. Many people overeat in response to emotions such as boredom, sadness, stress, or anger. Although most overweight people have no more psychological distress than normal weight people, about 30% of men seeking treatment for serious weight problems have difficulty overeating.

Diseases. Diseases such as hypothyroidism, insulin resistance, and Cushing’s syndrome also contribute to obesity. Certain medical conditions, such as Prader-Willi syndrome, can lead to obesity.

Social problems. There is a link between social problems and obesity. Lack of money to buy healthy food or lack of safe places to walk or exercise can increase the risk of obesity.

How to motivate your husband to lose weight – Motivation and psychology

For men, the problem of being overweight is not in the first place in terms of importance, but this does not mean that they do not care about their own appearance and health.It is generally accepted in society that losing weight is a woman’s topic, so men postpone weight loss as far as possible. Sometimes they call it in other words – “dry out”, “make a relief”, “pump up”. Whatever words a man uses, it is important for health to bring the weight back to normal.

Discussion of issue

When a person realizes his problem, he begins to act. You can casually talk about the consequences of being overweight, read the article in the presence of your husband.Do not forget to also mention how excess weight affects the heart, joints, can cause problems with impaired “masculine strength”, etc. This is a good option if it is not customary in your family to openly discuss problems (calorizer). If in a family the husband and wife communicate on equal terms, then ordinary conversation will be much more effective.

Express your concern about your husband’s health, tell us about your feelings and fears – that sweets and excess weight lead to diabetes, smoked products contain harmful carcinogens, that mortality from heart attacks among men breaks all records.Tell your husband that you want to live a long, active and happy life, and you want to improve your diet and become more active. Do not impose, but offer to start together.

Wife’s Practical Steps

Dear ladies, you know like no one else that extra pounds come from low physical activity and, of course, from overeating. You need to do the following:

1. Make a shopping list of products for weight loss;
2. Establish a comfortable diet, limiting unhealthy food as much as possible;
3. Every evening after work to go for a walk with my husband;
4. Suggest to go in for sports together.

Your task is to provide your husband with all-round support, but not to put pressure on him. Don’t expect to continue eating chocolates as long as your spouse has a healthy diet. Show him that you, too, are interested in improving the quality of your life. Introduce dietary changes gradually so that eating is not stressful.

After completing the first stage, you should tell your significant other that rapid weight loss can be bad for his health.

Start of the training process

If your husband’s weight gradually normalizes, let him start going to the gym, because physical activity strengthens the whole body well. At this stage, do not forget to praise and support your soul mate, or better yet, bounce back with him. Training for women and men has some differences, but for people with spinal problems or other health limitations, there are nuances. Therefore, it is best to start with a safe beginner program and find a qualified trainer.

A competent training program will help your husband to lose body fat faster, increase muscle mass, strength and endurance. The main thing is that throughout the entire process, do not forget about healthy food. Prepare food in healthy ways, do not tease your husband with some “harmful goodies”, so as not to provoke to quit the diet. Avoid baking at home as they are a source of simple carbohydrates and trans fats, use a sweetener instead of sugar, and keep processed foods to a minimum.All alcohol is taboo – it’s empty calories.

A subscription to the club can serve as an excellent gift for the New Year, for the next anniversary or for some other significant date. A gift of sports equipment or a subscription for a massage, a trip to a bathhouse, a sauna, etc. will be good and useful.

Wife support

During the diet, a man may experience a psychological breakdown. Behind the tendency to overeat and inactive lifestyles lie such subtle reasons as lack of experience, suppression of emotions and desires, lack of goals, childhood trauma, and externally imposed beliefs.To charge your husband only with positive emotions and patience, turn on calm music more often, visit cinemas and just walk more in the fresh air. Show your husband that he is not alone and there is always a person nearby to whom he can open up.

If your husband’s endless breakdowns become unbearable, perhaps he should see a psychologist. Food addiction is similar to alcoholism or smoking. It is also not so easy to get rid of it. In the process of evolution, man has mastered many psychological defenses, through which only a specialist can break through.

Help your husband formulate a goal and plan to achieve it. Some wives, based on personal experience, suggest drawing up a schedule in which you need to write the month and the number of pounds lost. This will be additional motivation and will make the husband proud of himself. Similarly, it is worth keeping a training diary, trying to surpass yourself at every workout, be it the weight of the apparatus or the quality of the exercise.

Don’t try to ask too much of your other half.First, you will remember yourself, how long it took to tune in, and how you felt at the same time. The main thing is patience (calorizator). Just be there, become his partner in the goal, support, praise your husband, be proud of him, admire him, say more warm words. You, like no one else, should help him in this difficult matter. Supporting loved ones is the biggest motivation while working on yourself.

Author: Zhanna Sh. (Specially for Calorizator.ru)
Copying of this article in whole or in part is prohibited.

90,000 The Physical Aspect That Can Ruin Your Sex Life | Science | Inosmi

Many men and women after 30 years have a small “tummy”. And if they do not pay attention to this, fat on their waist will gradually and inevitably accumulate – at 40, 50 and 60 years.

England’s chief physician, Sally Davies, announced last year that 80% of men and 90% of women over 50 have “dangerously wide waists”, which increases the risk of diabetes and cardiovascular disease.Alas, there is no doubt that a wide waist can cause big trouble for your motor.

People usually laugh when they notice how they gradually gain weight and gain weight. But an increase in your waist is definitely not an indicator that you are in good shape.

It can also affect your sex life. If you are a man, and you have a few extra pounds on your sides, your sexual potency is in danger.

The connection between erection problems and obesity was established by the legendary American scientists Masters and Johnson, who did this in 1971.They wrote about this in their book Human Sexual Inadequacy. It’s amazing, but then no one paid attention to her.

In the late 20th century, British and American men continued to gain weight. As they gained weight, their erectile dysfunction became more frequent.

Viagra appeared in the 1990s. It seemed that this and other drugs like Cialis and Levitra eliminated the problem of erectile dysfunction, which had grown to epidemic proportions.But it soon became clear that they did not solve all the problems associated with the weakening of male potency.

01/20/2017