How does borderline personality disorder affect relationships. What are the main challenges of living with someone who has BPD. How can you cope with a loved one’s BPD symptoms. What strategies help maintain a healthy relationship with someone with BPD.

Understanding Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a complex mental health condition characterized by intense emotions, unstable relationships, and a fragile sense of self. People with BPD often experience severe mood swings, fear of abandonment, and difficulty regulating their emotions.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th edition, text revision (DSM-5-TR) outlines specific criteria for diagnosing BPD. To receive a formal diagnosis, an individual must exhibit at least five of the following symptoms:

• Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
• A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships
• Identity disturbance or an unstable self-image
• Impulsivity in potentially self-damaging areas
• Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
• Affective instability due to marked reactivity of mood
• Chronic feelings of emptiness
• Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger
• Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

It’s crucial to understand that BPD manifests differently in each individual. The severity and combination of symptoms can vary greatly from person to person.

The Impact of BPD on Relationships

Living with someone who has BPD can be challenging and emotionally taxing. The disorder significantly affects how individuals perceive themselves and others, leading to unique relationship dynamics.

Emotional Rollercoaster

People with BPD often experience intense emotional highs and lows. Their partners may find themselves caught in a whirlwind of rapidly changing moods, which can be confusing and exhausting.

Fear of Abandonment

One of the core features of BPD is an intense fear of abandonment. This fear can manifest in various ways, such as clingy behavior, jealousy, or pushing partners away to test their commitment.

Idealization and Devaluation

Individuals with BPD may alternate between idealizing their partner and suddenly devaluing them. This “splitting” can leave partners feeling bewildered and hurt.

Are these behaviors a personal choice? No, they are symptoms of the underlying condition. Understanding this can help partners cope more effectively and respond with empathy.

Common Challenges When Living with Someone with BPD

Living with a person who has BPD presents unique challenges. Recognizing these difficulties is the first step towards developing effective coping strategies.

Intrusiveness and Boundary Issues

Due to their fear of abandonment, individuals with BPD may become intrusive or overly dependent. They might struggle to respect personal boundaries, seeking constant reassurance or attempting to control their partner’s activities.

Rapid Mood Swings

The emotional instability associated with BPD can lead to rapid and intense mood swings. Partners may feel like they’re walking on eggshells, never knowing what emotional state to expect.

Impulsive and Risky Behaviors

People with BPD may engage in impulsive or risky behaviors such as substance abuse, reckless driving, or excessive spending. These actions can strain relationships and create financial or legal problems.

False Accusations and Paranoia

During periods of stress or heightened emotion, individuals with BPD may become paranoid or make false accusations. This can be particularly hurtful and damaging to trust within the relationship.

Difficulty with Conflict Resolution

The intense emotions and fear of abandonment associated with BPD can make it challenging to resolve conflicts in a healthy manner. Arguments may escalate quickly, and the person with BPD might resort to hurtful sarcasm or emotional manipulation.

Coping Strategies for Partners of Individuals with BPD

While living with someone who has BPD can be challenging, there are strategies that can help maintain a healthy relationship and support both partners’ well-being.

Educate Yourself

Learning about BPD can help you understand your partner’s behaviors and reactions better. This knowledge can foster empathy and patience in difficult situations.

Set and Maintain Boundaries

Establishing clear, consistent boundaries is crucial when living with someone with BPD. Communicate your limits calmly and firmly, and be prepared to enforce them consistently.

Practice Self-Care

Caring for someone with BPD can be emotionally draining. Prioritize your own mental health by engaging in activities you enjoy, maintaining social connections, and seeking support when needed.

Develop Effective Communication Skills

Learn to communicate in a clear, non-judgmental manner. Use “I” statements to express your feelings and needs without blaming or accusing.

Seek Professional Help

Consider couples therapy or individual counseling to develop coping strategies and work through relationship challenges. A therapist experienced in BPD can provide valuable guidance and support.

Supporting Your Partner’s Treatment

Encouraging and supporting your partner’s treatment is crucial for managing BPD symptoms and improving relationship dynamics.

Encourage Professional Help

Gently encourage your partner to seek professional help if they haven’t already. BPD is treatable, and various therapeutic approaches can be effective.

Be Patient with the Treatment Process

Recovery from BPD is a journey that takes time. Be patient and celebrate small victories along the way.

Participate in Treatment When Appropriate

Some therapies, such as Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), may involve family members or partners. If invited, participate actively in these sessions.

Recognizing the Positives

While living with someone with BPD can be challenging, it’s important to recognize the positive aspects of your relationship as well.

Emotional Intensity

The emotional intensity of individuals with BPD can lead to deep, passionate relationships. When channeled positively, this intensity can create strong bonds and moments of profound connection.

Creativity and Empathy

Many people with BPD are highly creative and empathetic. Their ability to feel deeply can translate into artistic expression and a keen understanding of others’ emotions.

Loyalty and Commitment

Despite their fear of abandonment, individuals with BPD often demonstrate strong loyalty and commitment to their relationships once they feel secure.

When to Seek Help

Living with someone who has BPD can be emotionally taxing, and it’s important to recognize when professional help is needed.

Signs You May Need Support

• Feeling constantly overwhelmed or emotionally drained
• Experiencing symptoms of anxiety or depression
• Neglecting your own needs or interests
• Feeling isolated or unable to maintain other relationships
• Experiencing physical symptoms of stress

Is it okay to seek help for yourself? Absolutely. Caring for your own mental health is crucial when supporting a partner with BPD.

Types of Support Available

1. Individual therapy: Can help you process your emotions and develop coping strategies
2. Support groups: Connecting with others in similar situations can provide validation and practical advice
3. Couples therapy: Can improve communication and relationship dynamics
4. Family therapy: Useful when BPD affects the entire family unit

Remember, seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. It demonstrates your commitment to maintaining a healthy relationship and personal well-being.

Building Resilience in Your Relationship

Developing resilience is key to maintaining a healthy, long-term relationship with someone who has BPD. Here are strategies to strengthen your relationship:

Practice Mindfulness Together

Mindfulness techniques can help both partners manage stress and emotional reactivity. Consider learning and practicing mindfulness exercises together.

Focus on Shared Interests

Engaging in activities you both enjoy can strengthen your bond and create positive shared experiences.

Celebrate Progress

Acknowledge and celebrate small improvements in managing BPD symptoms. This reinforces positive behaviors and boosts motivation.

Plan for Difficult Times

Develop a crisis plan together for managing intense episodes. This might include agreed-upon strategies for de-escalation or seeking professional help.

Maintain Your Individual Identities

While supporting your partner is important, maintain your own identity and interests. Encourage your partner to do the same.

Can a relationship with someone with BPD be successful. Yes, with understanding, commitment, and the right support, many couples navigate the challenges of BPD and build strong, lasting relationships.

The Role of Self-Reflection and Growth

Living with someone who has BPD can be an opportunity for personal growth and self-reflection. Here’s how you can use this experience to develop emotionally:

Examine Your Own Patterns

Reflect on your own behavioral patterns and emotional responses. Are there areas where you could improve your communication or emotional regulation?

Develop Emotional Intelligence

Living with someone with BPD often requires a high degree of emotional intelligence. Use this as an opportunity to enhance your ability to recognize, understand, and manage emotions.

Practice Patience and Compassion

Cultivating patience and compassion not only benefits your relationship but can also enhance your personal growth and interactions with others.

Learn to Validate Emotions

Developing the skill of emotional validation can improve your relationship and benefit all your interpersonal interactions.

How can this experience contribute to personal growth? By facing the challenges of living with someone with BPD, you may develop greater empathy, resilience, and emotional intelligence, skills that can enrich all areas of your life.

Navigating Social and Family Relationships

Living with someone who has BPD can also impact your relationships with friends, family, and the broader community. Here are some strategies for managing these dynamics:

Educate Close Friends and Family

Help your close circle understand BPD and its impact on your relationship. This can foster empathy and support from your loved ones.

Set Boundaries with Others

Be clear about what information you’re comfortable sharing about your relationship. It’s okay to maintain privacy while still seeking support.

Find a Support Network

Connect with others who understand your situation, whether through support groups or online communities for partners of individuals with BPD.

Manage Social Situations

Develop strategies for handling social events that might be challenging for your partner. This might include having an exit plan or agreeing on cues for when your partner needs support.

Is it important to maintain your own social connections? Absolutely. Maintaining your own support system is crucial for your well-being and can provide much-needed perspective and emotional relief.

Looking Towards the Future

While living with someone who has BPD presents unique challenges, it’s important to maintain hope and look towards the future. With proper treatment, support, and commitment from both partners, many individuals with BPD experience significant improvement in their symptoms over time.

Ongoing Treatment and Management

Encourage your partner to continue with their treatment plan, even as symptoms improve. Ongoing therapy and skill-building can help maintain progress and prevent relapses.

Planning for the Long-Term

As your relationship stabilizes, you may start thinking about long-term plans. Discuss future goals and aspirations together, always keeping in mind the need for flexibility and ongoing support.

Continual Learning and Adaptation

Stay informed about new developments in BPD treatment and management. Be open to trying new strategies or adjusting your approach as needed.

Cultivating Hope

Remember that many individuals with BPD lead fulfilling lives and maintain healthy relationships. Focus on the progress you’ve made and the strengths you’ve developed as a couple.

Can relationships with someone with BPD improve over time? Yes, with commitment, treatment, and mutual support, many couples report significant improvements in their relationship quality and overall well-being.

Living with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder presents unique challenges, but it also offers opportunities for deep connection, personal growth, and mutual understanding. By educating yourself about BPD, developing effective coping strategies, and maintaining your own well-being, you can navigate these challenges and build a strong, resilient relationship. Remember, seeking support when needed is crucial, and with the right approach, many couples affected by BPD lead fulfilling and loving lives together.

How to Cope When Living with Someone with BPD

Living with someone with borderline personality may involve being falsely accused, dealing with changes in mood, and facing love and rejection cycles. Understanding these behaviors aren’t personal may help.

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a mental health condition marked by fears of abandonment and changes in energy and mood. It can impact how you express your values, interests, and feelings toward others.

When you live with someone with BPD, they may do everything they can to please you one day and then reject you the next. This, understandably, can catch you by surprise.

But these cyclic behaviors aren’t a personal choice. They’re symptoms of an underlying condition. Understanding this can help you cope when living with someone with borderline personality.

Formal symptoms of BPD

Borderline personality disorder is a formal diagnosis recognized in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5^th edition, text revision (DSM-5-TR).

Borderline personality is classified as a cluster B personality disorder and is defined by changing patterns of mood, self-image, and relationship stability, often paired with low impulse control.

To receive a diagnosis of BPD, five or more of the following symptoms must be met:

1. desperate attempts to avoid abandonment (real or perceived)
2. a history of idealization and devaluation in relationships
3. an inconsistent sense of self (identity disturbance)
4. potentially damaging impulsivity in at least two areas (e.g.: substance use, reckless driving)
5. recurrent suicidal ideation, suicide attempts, or self-harming behaviors
6. extreme changes in mood
7. a persistent sense of emptiness
8. displays of anger that may be inappropriate for the situation
9. stress-related dissociation symptoms or paranoid ideation

Not everyone living with BPD experiences all of these symptoms or with the same intensity. Only a mental health professional can accurately diagnose the condition.

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Not everyone with a borderline personality behaves in the same way or experiences the same symptoms. By definition, though, the condition implies a few challenges in relationships.

“People with BPD tend to have major difficulties maintaining healthy relationships, especially with those closest to them,” explains Colleen Wenner, a licensed mental health counselor from Fort Walton Beach, Florida.

Some possible challenges of living with a person with borderline personality may include:

1. Intrusiveness

Fear of abandonment may make someone with BPD go to extreme lengths to “keep you happy” so you won’t leave them.

They may push the boundaries on your comfort level, remaining with you at all times, seeking reassurance, or being hyper-attuned to possible signs that you may want to leave them.

During this time, it may be helpful to gently — but firmly — maintain your personal boundaries while expressing your love and commitment.

2. Changes in values and interests

Dissociative symptoms due to emotional pain and stress may cause someone with BPD to briefly disconnect from the identity you’ve come to know. They may gradually or suddenly adopt different value sets, new opinions, or alternate sexual identities.

You may not align with these identity changes, but knowing they tend to be short-term may help you manage. These changes are often a protective measure to cope with their emotional pain.

3. Behaviors that may become hazardous

Potentially harmful impulsivity in someone with borderline personality may manifest as:

• substance use
• binge eating
• reckless driving
• persistent spending beyond their means
• sexual activities that may put their or others’ safety in jeopardy
• gambling

If your loved one acknowledges these behaviors, you may try to arrange managing finances, grocery shopping, or driving privileges for a while. Seeking the support of a mental health professional is advisable.

4. Accusations

If BPD involves paranoid ideation, you may find yourself experiencing the psychological effects of false accusations about your faithfulness or intentions.

Wenner explains your loved one may not be able to manage these thoughts all the time. These accusations are manifestations of their abandonment anxiety and not necessarily of the way they think of you.

5. Hurtful sarcasm

Intense emotions may lead someone with BPD to express their thoughts in the form of sarcasm or bitterness, particularly when they feel you may not be meeting their needs.

These hurtful words may make it more difficult to resolve conflict with your partner, but understanding where they’re coming from might help you pause and wait for better moments to have the conversation.

6. Poor emotional control

“Regulating emotions is very difficult for your loved one and often leads to verbal attacks or physical violence,” Wenner cautions.

Not everyone with BPD may behave aggressively or use hurtful words, though. It’s also possible they may cry for no apparent reason, become irritable, or behave emotionally distant.

7. Self-sabotage

Some people with BPD may tend to self-sabotage. This may look different for each person but could involve getting into an argument with you right before an important event, resigning after a big job promotion, or forgetting an appointment.

Possible reasons for self-sabotage include anticipating any possible disappointment when things are going well (so it doesn’t hurt that much if something happens), and feeling they’re not worthy of the good things happening to them.

8. Behavioral cycles

It’s possible that the idealization-devaluation BPD cycle in relationships can make you feel confused and hurt at times.

“If your loved one has a borderline personality disorder, their behavior will likely cause a cycle of ups and down in your relationship,” Wenner says. “You’ll have both good and bad times together.”

Good and not-so-good times are common in most romantic bonds. However, how people with borderline personality may behave in relationships could be something you’re not familiar with. They may adore you one moment, reject you the next, and then try to make amends after that.

BPD relationship cycle

Borderline personality disorder may involve instability in relationships due to a cycle of idealization and devaluation.

During idealization, someone experiencing BPD may require to spend every second with you, and may be quick to share intimate details to create a sense of closeness early in the relationship.

They may shift to devaluation at some point, where the person living with BPD may feel disappointed that, according to them, you aren’t making enough effort, don’t care enough, or aren’t present enough.

When you start to distance yourself, they may experience abandonment fear or feelings of worthlessness, which can make them feel the need to get close to you once more.

These behaviors aren’t a conscious attempt to mistreat or manipulate you. They’re mostly the result of an inability to manage emotional pain and fear of rejection.

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Seeking guidance from a mental health professional can be essential when living with someone with borderline personality disorder, states Wenner.

“Establish a support team that includes a therapist and a medical professional. If you and your partner put in the effort, you’ll enjoy a better quality of life together,” she says.

In addition to professional insight, Wenner recommends:

1. Learning more

Learning about the condition can help you identify BPD symptoms and take away some relationship unpredictability. It may also offer you some perspective on behaviors that may seem personal but aren’t.

2. Stepping away

When living with someone with borderline personality, you may need to learn how to take some time away without implying you’re leaving the relationship.

“Try to avoid arguing and conflicts,” says Wenner. “If you notice signs of an episode coming up, take a break from each other and give yourself time to cool off before talking again. ”

3. Setting and keeping boundaries

Setting boundaries can help you manage your loved one’s expectations during the idealization and devaluation cycle.

“Don’t feel guilty if you don’t agree to every request. Set limits and stick to them,” Wenner states.

If you maintain your commitment in other areas, your loved one may understand that your boundaries aren’t equivalent to rejection or lack of love.

4. Practicing patience

Wenner points out that even when you learn more about the condition, BPD can be frustrating.

Cultivating patience may help you remember the fluctuations of BPD are mostly temporary and aren’t a personal affront.

5. Looking after your own mental health

“It can be emotionally draining for everyone involved when working with someone who has BPD,” says Wenner. “Develop healthy coping strategies and find ways to relax without your loved one. Don’t let your loved one control your life.”

Establishing which behaviors you will or won’t tolerate may also help you and your partner keep the relationship healthy. Understanding your loved one lives with a mental health condition doesn’t mean you should accept behaviors that hurt you.

Living with someone with borderline personality disorder can mean working through spurts of intense anger, false accusations, and potentially harmful impulsivity.

While education and patience can help you approach your relationship in an understanding way, professional intervention may be the best option to truly address BPD challenges in a relationship.

If your loved one isn’t open to seeking professional guidance and their behaviors are negatively impacting your well-being, it may be time to evaluate if you need to let go of the relationship.

Helping Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder

BPD and relationships

People with borderline personality disorder (BPD) tend to have major difficulties with relationships, especially with those closest to them. Their wild mood swings, angry outbursts, chronic abandonment fears, and impulsive and irrational behaviors can leave loved ones feeling helpless, abused, and off balance. Partners and family members of people with BPD often describe the relationship as an emotional roller coaster with no end in sight. You may feel like you’re at the mercy of your loved one’s BPD symptoms—trapped unless you leave the relationship or the person takes steps to get treatment. But you have more power than you think.

You can change the relationship by managing your own reactions, establishing firm limits, and improving communication between you and your loved one. There’s no magic cure but with the right treatment and support, many people with BPD can and do get better and their relationships can become more stable and rewarding. In fact, patients with the most support and stability at home tend to show improvements sooner than those whose relationships are more chaotic and insecure.

Whether it’s your partner, parent, child, sibling, friend, or other loved one with BPD, you can improve both the relationship and your own quality of life, even if the person with BPD isn’t ready to acknowledge the problem or seek treatment.

Learning all you can

If your loved one has borderline personality disorder, it’s important to recognize that he or she is suffering. The destructive and hurtful behaviors are a reaction to deep emotional pain. In other words, they’re not about you. When your loved one does or says something hurtful towards you, understand that the behavior is motivated by the desire to stop the pain they are experiencing; it’s rarely deliberate.

Learning about BPD won’t automatically solve your relationship problems, but it will help you understand what you’re dealing with and handle difficulties in more constructive ways.

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Recognizing the signs and symptoms of BPD

Recognizing the signs and symptoms of borderline personality disorder is not always easy. BPD is rarely diagnosed on its own, but often in conjunction with co-occurring disorders such as depression, bipolar disorder, anxiety, an eating disorder, or substance abuse. Your family member or loved one with BPD may be extremely sensitive, so small things can often trigger intense reactions.

Once upset, borderline people are often unable to think straight or calm themselves in a healthy way. They may say hurtful things or act out in dangerous or inappropriate ways. This emotional volatility can cause turmoil in their relationships and stress for family members, partners, and friends.

Many people in a close relationship with someone who suffers from BPD often know that there’s something wrong with their loved one, but have no idea what it is or if there is even a name for it. Learning a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder can come as a source of both relief and hope.

Does your loved one have borderline personality disorder?

In your relationship:

1. Do you feel like you have to tiptoe around your loved one, watching every little thing you say or do for fear of setting them off? Do you often hide what you think or feel in order to avoid fights and hurt feelings?
2. Does your loved one shift almost instantaneously between emotional extremes? For example, are they calm one moment, raging the next, then suddenly despondent? Are these rapid mood swings unpredictable and seemingly irrational?
3. Does your loved one tend to view you as all good or bad, with no middle ground? For example, either you’re “perfect,” and the only one they can count on, or you’re “selfish” and “unfeeling” and never truly loved them.
4. Do you feel like you can’t win: that anything you say or do will be twisted and used against you? Does it feel as if your loved one’s expectations are constantly changing, so you’re never sure how to keep the peace?
5. Is everything always your fault? Do you feel constantly criticized and blamed for things that don’t even make sense? Does the person accuse you of doing and saying things you never did? Do you feel misunderstood whenever you try to explain or reassure your partner?
6. Do you feel manipulated by fear, guilt, or outrageous behavior? Does your loved one make threats, fly into violent rages, make dramatic declarations, or do dangerous things when they think you’re unhappy or may leave?

If you answer “yes” to most of these questions, your partner or family member might have borderline personality disorder.

[Read: Borderline Personality Disorder Test]

To help someone with BPD, first take care of yourself

When a family member or partner has borderline personality disorder, it’s all too easy to get caught up in heroic efforts to please and appease him or her. You may find yourself putting most of your energy into the person with BPD at the expense of your own emotional needs. But this is a recipe for resentment, depression, burnout, and even physical illness.

You can’t help someone else or enjoy sustainable, satisfying relationships when you’re run down and overwhelmed by stress. As in the event of an in-flight emergency, you must “put on your own oxygen mask first.”

Avoid the temptation to isolate. Make it a priority to stay in touch with family and friends who make you feel good. You need the support of people who will listen to you, make you feel cared for, and offer reality checks when needed.

You’re allowed (and encouraged) to have a life! Give yourself permission to have a life outside of your relationship with the person with BPD. It’s not selfish to carve out time for yourself to relax and have fun. In fact, when you return to your BPD relationship, you’ll both benefit from your improved perspective.

Join a support group for BPD family members. Meeting with others who understand what you’re going through can go a long way. If you can’t find an in-person support group in your area, you may want to consider joining an online BPD community.

Don’t neglect your physical health. Eating healthfully, exercising, and getting quality sleep can easily fall by the wayside when you’re caught up in relationship drama. Try to avoid this pitfall. When you’re healthy and well rested, you’re better able to handle stress and control your own emotions and behaviors.

Learn to manage stress. Getting anxious or upset in response to problem behavior will only increase your loved one’s anger or agitation. By practicing with sensory input, you can learn to relieve stress as it’s happening and stay calm and relaxed when the pressure builds.

Remember the 3 C’s rule

Many friends or family members often feel guilty and blame themselves for the destructive behavior of the borderline person. You may question what you did to make the person so angry, think you somehow deserve the abuse, or feel responsible for any failure or relapse in treatment.

But it’s important to remember that you’re not responsible for another person. The person with BPD is responsible for their own actions and behaviors.

The 3 C’s are:

1. I didn’t cause it.
2. I can’t cure it.
3. I can’t control it.

Source: Out of the Fog

Communicating with someone who has BPD

Communication is a key part of any relationship but communicating with a borderline person can be especially challenging. People in a close relationship with a borderline adult often liken talking with their loved one to arguing with a small child. People with BPD have trouble reading body language or understanding the nonverbal content of a conversation. They may say things that are cruel, unfair, or irrational. Their fear of abandonment can cause them to overreact to any perceived slight, no matter how small, and their aggression can result in impulsive fits of rage, verbal abuse, or even violence.

The problem for people with BPD is that the disorder distorts both the messages they hear and those they try to express. BPD expert and author, Randi Kreger, likens it to “having ‘aural dyslexia,’ in which they hear words and sentences backwards, inside out, sideways, and devoid of context.”

Listening to your loved one and acknowledging their feelings is one of the best ways to help someone with BPD calm down. When you appreciate how a borderline person hears you and adjust how you communicate with them, you can help diffuse the attacks and rages and build a stronger, closer relationship.

Communication tips

It’s important to recognize when it’s safe to start a conversation. If your loved one is raging, verbally abusive, or making physical threats, now is not the time to talk. Better to calmly postpone the conversation by saying something like, “Let’s talk later when we’re both calm. I want to give you my full attention but that’s too hard for me to do right now.”

When things are calmer:

Listen actively and be sympathetic. Avoid distractions such as the TV, computer, or cell phone. Try not to interrupt or redirect the conversation to your concerns. Set aside your judgment, withhold blame and criticism, and show your interest in what’s being said by nodding occasionally or making small verbal comments like “yes” or “uh huh.” You don’t have to agree with what the person is saying to make it clear that you’re listening and sympathetic.

Focus on the emotions, not the words. The feelings of the person with BPD communicate much more than what the words he or she is using. People with BPD need validation and acknowledgement of the pain they’re struggling with. Listen to the emotion your loved one is trying to communicate without getting bogged down in attempting to reconcile the words being used.

Try to make the person with BPD feel heard. Don’t point out how you feel that they’re wrong, try to win the argument, or invalidate their feelings, even when what they’re saying is totally irrational.

Do your best to stay calm, even when the person with BPD is acting out. Avoid getting defensive in the face of accusations and criticisms, no matter how unfair you feel they are. Defending yourself will only make your loved one angrier. Walk away if you need to give yourself time and space to cool down.

Seek to distract your loved one when emotions rise. Anything that draws your loved one’s attention can work, but distraction is most effective when the activity is also soothing. Try exercising, sipping hot tea, listening to music, grooming a pet, painting, gardening, or completing household chores.

Talk about things other than the disorder. You and your loved one’s lives aren’t solely defined by the disorder, so make the time to explore and discuss other interests. Discussions about light subjects can help to diffuse the conflict between you and may encourage your loved one to discover new interests or resume old hobbies.

Setting healthy boundaries with a borderline loved one

One of the most effective ways to help a loved one with BPD gain control over their behavior is to set and enforce healthy limits or boundaries. Setting limits can help your loved one better handle the demands of the outside world, where schools, work, and the legal system, for example, all set and enforce strict limits on what constitutes acceptable behavior.

Establishing boundaries in your relationship can replace the chaos and instability of your current situation with an important sense of structure and provide you with more choices about how to react when confronted by negative behavior. When both parties honor the boundaries, you’ll be able to build a sense of trust and respect between you, which are key ingredients for any meaningful relationship.

Setting boundaries is not a magic fix for a relationship, though. In fact, things may initially get worse before they get better. The person with BPD fears rejection and is sensitive to any perceived slight. This means that if you’ve never set boundaries in your relationship before, your loved one is likely to react badly when you start. If you back down in the face of your loved one’s rage or abuse, you’ll only be reinforcing their negative behavior and the cycle will continue. But, remaining firm and standing by your decisions can be empowering to you, benefit your loved one, and ultimately transform your relationship.

How to set and reinforce healthy boundaries

Talk to your loved one about boundaries at a time when you’re both calm, not in the heat of an argument. Decide what behavior you will and will not tolerate from the person and make those expectations clear. For example, you may tell your loved one, “If you can’t talk to me without screaming abuse at me, I will walk out. ”

Do…

• Calmly reassure the person with BPD when setting limits. Say something like, “I love you and I want our relationship to work, but I can’t handle the stress caused by your behavior. I need you to make this change for me.”
• Make sure everyone in the family agrees on the boundaries—and how to enforce the consequences if they’re ignored.
• Think of setting boundaries as a process rather than a single event. Instead of hitting your loved one with a long list of boundaries all at once, introduce them gradually, one or two at a time.

Don’t…

• Make threats and ultimatums that you can’t carry out. As is human nature, your loved one will inevitably test the limits you set. If you relent and don’t enforce the consequences, your loved one will know the boundary is meaningless and the negative behavior will continue. Ultimatums are a last resort (and again, you must be prepared to follow through).
• Tolerate abusive behavior. No one should have to put up with verbal abuse or physical violence. Just because your loved one’s behavior is the result of a personality disorder, it doesn’t make the behavior any less real or any less damaging to you or other family members.
• Enable the person with BPD by protecting them from the consequences of their actions. If your loved one won’t respect your boundaries and continues to make you feel unsafe, then you may need to leave. It doesn’t mean you don’t love them, but your self-care should always take priority.

Supporting your loved one’s BPD treatment

Borderline personality disorder is highly treatable, yet it’s common for people with BPD to avoid treatment or deny that they have a problem. Even if this is the case with your loved one, you can still offer support, improve communication, and set boundaries while continuing to encourage your friend or family member to seek professional help.

While medication options are limited, the guidance of a qualified therapist can make a huge difference to your loved one’s recovery. BPD therapies, such as Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) and schema-focused therapy, can help your loved one work through their relationship and trust issues and explore new coping techniques. In therapy, they can learn how to calm the emotional storm and self-soothe in healthy ways.

How to support treatment

If your loved one won’t acknowledge that they have a problem with BPD, you may want to consider couple’s therapy. Here, the focus is on the relationship and promoting better communication, rather than on your loved one’s disorder. Your partner may more readily agree to this and eventually consider pursuing BPD therapy in the future.

Encourage your loved one to explore healthy ways of handling stress and emotions by practicing mindfulness and employing relaxation techniques such as yoga, deep breathing, or meditation. Sensory-based stimulation can also help them to relieve stress in the moment. Again, you can participate in any of these therapies with your loved one, which can strengthen your bond and may encourage them to pursue other avenues of treatment as well.

By developing an ability to tolerate distress, your loved one can learn how to press pause when the urge to act out or behave impulsively strikes. HelpGuide’s free Emotional Intelligence Toolkit offers a step-by-step, self-guided program to teach your loved one how to ride the “wild horse” of overwhelming feelings while staying calm and focused.

Setting goals for BPD recovery: Go slowly

When supporting your loved one’s recovery, it’s important to be patient and set realistic goals. Change can and does happen but, as with reversing any kind of behavior pattern, it takes time.

• Take baby steps rather than aiming for huge, unattainable goals that set you and your loved one up for failure and discouragement. By lowering expectations and setting small goals to be achieved step by step, you and your loved one have a greater chance of success.
• Supporting your loved one’s recovery can be both extremely challenging and rewarding. You need to take care of yourself, but the process can help you grow as an individual and strengthen the relationship between you.

Helplines and support

• In the U.S.

  Call the NAMI HelpLine at 1-800-950-6264

• UK

  Call the the Mind infoline at 0300 123 3393

• Australia

  Call the Sane Helpline at 1800 187 263

• Canada

  Find Your CMHA for a helpline near you

• India

  Call the Vandrevala Foundation Helpline at 1860 2662 345 or 1800 2333 330

Last updated or reviewed on February 23, 2023

How to live with the “border guard” | PSYCHOLOGIES

30,888

A person among people

Life with a “border guard” is often compared to a “roller coaster” – ups and downs, good periods filled with love and happiness, then emotional outbursts, fits of rage or attempts at tight control . This causes confusion, helplessness, despair and the obvious question: “How to deal with this?”

Stop walking on eggshells!

Authors of Stop Walking on Eggshells. Living with someone with borderline personality disorder Paul Mason and Randy Kroeger answer this question and more. They created a kind of instruction, a guide for those who live with the “border guards”.

Reminding that diagnosis is the task of doctors, psychiatrists, Paul Mason and Randy Kroeger provide useful information about this type of disorder, not fully understood by specialists.

“The definition of a personality disorder implies that it causes suffering both for the person himself and for those who interact with him. The description of BPD seems so negative that people with this diagnosis often feel stigmatized.

It is extremely important to remember that borderline personality disorder and its owner are not the same thing. If you live with a borderline person, it can be difficult to separate the diagnosis from them. In fact, only a person with BPD can control his thoughts, feelings and behavior. And this is important to understand for the recovery of SPs and for yourself.”

The following clearly structured chapters provide information about BPD itself and the inner world of a person with this disorder. The writing of the book was preceded by a long period of communication with the “border guards” and their relatives, the collection and systematization of information shared by real people.

That is why the “manual” covers such a large layer of problems – and each question is given a clear answer. In addition, the reader has the opportunity to look at the situations described from different angles – through the eyes of the people with BPD themselves, their parents, children or partners and experts.

How to regain control over your own life if there is a “border guard” next to you? How to resolve many specific issues? How to be guided in the search for a psychotherapist, what other literature on the topic can be read? And what exercises will help to cope with their own experiences and maintain balance? All the answers are in the book by Paul Mason and Randy Kroeger.

Here is a fragment of the text of chapter 2 “The inner world of the “border guard”: the definition of BPD. PRL Criteria”.

“Desperate attempts to avoid real and imagined situations in which they will be abandoned”

Imagine the horror you would feel if you were lost as a child in Times Square in New York. A second ago, mom was there, holding your hand – and suddenly she was carried away by the crowd. You look around, panicking, trying to find her.

This is how people with BPD feel most of the time – isolated, anxious, terrified at the thought of being alone. Caring, supportive people are like friendly faces in a crowd.

But if one takes a careless step, which can be interpreted as a sign of an impending departure, the SPs will panic and react. For example, an explosion of rage or a plea “Just don’t leave!”. It doesn’t take much to trigger this reaction: One borderline woman stopped her neighbor from leaving her apartment to take her clothes to the laundry.

Fear of abandonment can be so strong that it literally overwhelms an SP: when a man told his SP wife that he probably had a deadly disease, she lashed out at him for going to the doctor.

If your SPs experienced neglect as children or grew up in a highly dysfunctional environment, they may have learned to deal with fear by denying or suppressing it. They had plenty of opportunities to practice, so the original emotion might not be felt.

If SPs get upset or angry, try to remember if some circumstance could have triggered the fear of abandonment.

Armin (not borderline)

If I’m five minutes late on my way home from work, my wife will call me. She constantly sends messages to the pager. I can’t go out with my friends anymore because she reacts so strongly to it. Messages on the pager came, even if we were going to the movies. It was so stressful that I stopped seeing my friends without her.

Sometimes people with BPD will immediately warn about their fear of being abandoned. However, no less often this fear is expressed in other forms, for example, through rage. Feeling vulnerable and out of control provokes anger.

Tess (borderline)

If I feel like I’ve been abandoned, a whole range of feelings arise: isolation, horror, loneliness. I panic. I think that I was betrayed, used. I think I will die. One day I called my young man, and he replied that he would call back later, as he is now watching TV.

I took up ironing to pass the time. But he didn’t call. I waited. He didn’t call. And the terrible feeling that I was abandoned returned. It hurt so much, because just the day before, I caught myself thinking that I believed in his love for me.

By the time the phone rang at ten o’clock, I had already decided that we needed to break up, I wanted to leave him before he left me. And all this time he was just watching the movie. I felt so stupid; but the pain, the fear like a knife in the heart – it was all real.

Photo source: Getty Images

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How to prevent borderline personality disorder from ruining your life

Likbez

Health

July 8, 2021

Illness may be to blame for tantrums and failed relationships. And it can be cured.

You can listen to this article. If it’s more convenient for you, turn on the podcast:

What is borderline personality disorder

This is a serious mental illness. People with borderline personality disorder find it difficult to control their emotions and behavior, build stable relationships, and often have problems with self-esteem. They may also endanger or harm themselves. For example, leaving burns on the skin, having sex with random partners, getting into fights, violating traffic rules. Sometimes it comes to suicide attempts.

The condition is also dangerous because other mental illnesses may appear along with it. For example, depression, bipolar disorder, eating disorders.

Borderline disorder affects approximately 2% of young people. Most often it is found in women. Men are sometimes mistakenly diagnosed with depression or post-traumatic stress disorder.

What are the causes of borderline personality disorder

No one knows exactly where borderline personality disorder comes from. Scientists only suggest that there may be three reasons.

Heredity

Those who have relatives with borderline personality disorder are more at risk of getting sick. This is suggested by scientists who interviewed 112 pairs of twins.

Brain malfunction

Research shows that people with borderline disorder sometimes experience structural and functional changes in the brain. This is especially true of areas that control impulses and emotions. There are failures before the disease or because of it, it is not yet clear.

Surroundings

Some patients say that they experienced stress in childhood. For example, physical or sexual abuse, separation from parents. Others have had toxic relationships or serious conflicts.

How to recognize borderline personality disorder

People with borderline personality disorder are emotionally unstable. As a result, their behavior changes. Here are the symptoms by which you can suspect the disease:

• Sudden mood swings. Feelings of happiness, irritability, or anxiety can last from a few hours to several days.
• Constant feeling of emptiness.
• Strong or inappropriate anger. The person can be sarcastic, spiteful, and even get into fights.
• Rapid changes in self-esteem and self-identification, goals and values. Just now everything was fine, but after a minute, a person with a disorder considers himself bad or behaves as if others do not exist.
• Unstable relationships with loved ones. A person either idealizes people, then suddenly decides that they do not care about him, or accuses them of something, for example, of cruelty.
• Fear of being abandoned. In an attempt to avoid real or imagined rejection, a person may quickly start an intimate relationship (physical or emotional) or abruptly end the relationship.
• Impulsive and often dangerous behavior: shoplifting, unprotected sex, traffic violations, overeating, drug use. But if all this manifests itself when a person is in a good mood, the symptom indicates rather a mood disorder.
• Feeling of dissociation. In this state, it seems to a person that he is as if torn off from the body and looks at himself from the side. And everything that happens looks unrealistic.
• Self-injurious behavior. A person can cut his own skin and leave burns on it. Sometimes the desire to harm oneself comes to suicide attempts.
• Attacks of paranoia. A person with a disorder often worries that people around them don’t really like them and don’t want to spend time together. Even if it’s not.

Not all people with borderline personality disorder experience a full list of symptoms. Trifles can call them. For example, a business trip of a loved one. The severity of the manifestations and their duration depend on the person.

What to do if you have suicidal thoughts

If you are thinking about hurting yourself or killing yourself, get help. It can be obtained in several ways:

• Contact a psychologist on the website of the Ministry of Emergency Situations.
• If you live in Moscow, dial 051 from a landline or +7 (495) 051 from a mobile phone.
• Leave a request on the website of the Moscow Service for Psychological Assistance to the Population. The specialist will advise you, even if you do not live in the capital.
• Call your psychologist.
• Contact a loved one. It could be a friend, relative or loved one.

How borderline personality disorder is treated

Different. First of all, you need to contact a therapist. They will take a complete medical history and may order a blood test or X-ray to rule out physical causes of symptoms.

If everything is in order with the body, the doctor can send the patient to a psychotherapist or psychiatrist. He will talk with the person, find out if there were mental illnesses in the family. Recognizing borderline disorder can be difficult due to additional illnesses. For example, depression or an anxiety disorder.

Once the diagnosis has been made, the doctor will prescribe the appropriate therapy.

Psychotherapy

Several types of talking therapy have been developed for people with borderline personality disorder:

• Dialectical behavior therapy. Teaches you to control strong emotions and not harm yourself. After treatment, patients often improve relationships with others.
• Cognitive behavioral therapy. Helps people with the disorder find and change beliefs that damage self-esteem and relationships. After classes, patients almost do not feel anxiety and harm themselves less.
• Circuit therapy. It is carried out individually or in a group. Helps to remember the unmet needs that have caused the patient to habituate to inappropriate behaviors. For example, in childhood, a child screamed to draw the attention of his parents to himself. Once it could help, but now it only hurts. In the classroom, a person can learn to behave correctly and achieve goals in adequate ways.
• Therapy based on mentalisation. Helps patients identify their feelings and emotions and deal with them more calmly. The emphasis is on what a person should first think and then do.
• Systemic Training for Emotional Predictability and Problem Solving (STEPPS). The treatment is designed for 20 weeks and takes place in a group where the patient and his relatives get. It is used as an adjunct to other types of psychotherapy.
• Transference-focused psychotherapy (psychodynamic therapy). During the session, the patient tells the specialist about situations when he behaved aggressively. Together with the doctor, the patient is looking for other behaviors, and then tries to apply them in life.
• General psychiatric department. Treatment takes place during work or study. The patient himself tries to catch and comprehend emotionally difficult moments. A person can also take medications, work with a psychotherapist individually or with his family.

Medications

Medications are not the primary treatment for borderline personality disorder. They are prescribed to relieve the patient of symptoms of depression, aggression or anxiety. These can be antidepressants, antipsychotics, or mood stabilizers.

Some medicines cause side effects. The doctor will tell you what to expect from a particular drug.

Hospitalization

Sometimes patients with borderline personality disorder require treatment in a psychiatric clinic. It helps people not harm themselves and get rid of suicidal thoughts.

How successful treatment can be

The outlook for people with borderline personality disorder varies. Recovery is possible, but not always. In any case, it is a slow and difficult process. Some patients, with the help of therapy, begin to lead a normal life and learn how to communicate properly.

For reasons unknown, the disease tends to burn out. Therefore, sometimes people with the disorder notice that their condition has improved by the age of 35–40.

Living with Borderline Personality Disorder

If you have borderline personality disorder and are already in therapy, don’t stop there. Here are a few tips to help you manage your illness so you don’t hurt yourself or others:

• Learn to recognize what triggers anger or impulsive behavior.
• Try to get rid of other borderline problems. For example, from alcoholism or drug addiction.
• Ask loved ones to join the therapy. Perhaps they will be able to understand and support you.
• Find people with borderline personality disorder. They can talk about their experience and give some advice.
• Work out a crisis plan with your doctor.