8 Common Signs Of A Lying Spouse And How To Deal With It

Lying is a serious offense in a relationship that you should confront at the earliest.

Image: Shutterstock

Marriages are made in heaven, but in some cases, they do not turn out as planned, especially if a partner is unfaithful and you notice signs the spouse is lying. Have you ever noticed your spouse suddenly locking their social media apps with extra security or lying to you that they were busy at the office while being out at a party? These are the signs that you must identify to understand the problem and prove that the stories are a complete fabrication. An unfaithful partner can destroy a relationship and cause irreparable damage to the relationship. Sometimes, it might just be a communication problem, and a heartfelt conversation is sometimes all you need to get your relationship back on track. Read on to know your partner is lying, common signs of a liar, and how to deal with the situation.

Common Signs To Tell Your Spouse Is Lying

You may know your spouse very well but still find it difficult to discover their attempts at prevarication or evasion from simple questions. Either they are too good at lying, or you are too naïve. Don’t worry. A little observation of their body language can help you discover their lies.

Related: Female Body Language: 25 Signs She Might Be Interested In You

The most common sign of lying is to avoid eye contact. You ask your spouse a question, and if they are sharing a misleading untruth, they will usually answer you without looking at you. It shows that they do not want to share any information with you and want to avoid conversations altogether. They had to use subterfuge on this occasion to evade answering and avoid being caught.

1. Avoids eye contact: The most common sign of lying is when your spouse avoids eye contact. If your spouse usually answers you without looking at you when you ask them a question, it is a clear indicator that they are lying. It shows they do not want to share any information with you and want to avoid the conversation altogether.

2. Evades direct answer: You ask your spouse, “Did you drink with a friend last night?” Their reply will be, “Why would I do that?” or “Why did you ask me this?” They will ask you back to assess your reaction and take some time to come up with answers that bring them the least trouble. They will also do this to check if you really know something, and if you don’t, they will use it against you and take you on a guilt trip for doubting them.

   Image: IStock

3. Uses too many word fillers: If caught off guard, your spouse may fumble and buy time to come up with a lie. They will use many fillers, such as “umm” or “err.” They might also appear distracted and fidgety because they are nervous. Sometimes, their tone may become formal, which may indicate the pressure to maintain the lie. In this case, you should not resort to anger and keep track of the instances. You should not forgive for their mendacity.

4. Takes too much time to reply: Suppose you ask your spouse a simple question, such as, “Did you go to the bank?” They will not answer with a straight “yes” or “no,” but try to act busy with something only to buy time and come up with a reasonable answer.

5. Changes their body language: If a person is lying and feels nervous, it will show frequently in some degree in their awkward body language. They will shrug their shoulders, sweat a little more, play with their hair, and try to hide behind physical objects such as chairs or tables. If you observe keenly, you will notice that their body language is unusual, and they are hiding something.

6. Changes their tone or speech: When lying, your spouse may suddenly start to stutter or make a slip of the tongue. They may also speak faster than usual, hoping to end the conversation. The tone of their speech may also change, and they may act sweet, using endearments they don’t usually use.

   Image: IStock

7. Does not stick to one story: Ask them to describe an incident and ask again in a few days. If their answers vary, they may be lying. Additionally, you may notice that their statements become ambiguous and they keep on trying to convince with equivocation. This is not foolproof because your spouse may have a poor memory. But if they are lying, every time you ask them about an event or incident, their stories will keep changing. This clearly indicates bluffing .

Point to consider

Research suggests that liars display lower cognitive complexity, use fewer self-references, and use more negative words compared to truthful people.(1)

8. Keeps their phone locked and away from you: If your spouse hides something, they will make sure that their phone is out of bounds for you. They will lock it with a code and may even keep it on silent mode most of the time. When you are around, they will immediately lock the phone. If they answer calls far away from you, they do not want you to know certain things and may even lie to you.

Probable Reasons Why Your Spouse Lies To You

The reason why someone lies differs for each person and situation. Here are some of the most likely reasons why your spouse lies to you.

1. To avoid hurting you: You may often seek your partner’s advice on small things such as your clothes, work samples, or any routine incident or event in your life. Sometimes, your spouse may notice that you made a mistake, but to avoid hurting you, they may lie. This lie is usually harmless and often used to give you instant happiness.

Related: 37 Best Poems About Hurting In Love And The Pain

2. To look good in your eyes: Your spouse may have created a certain image of themselves in their mind that they would like to preserve. They may try to live up to the image so that you will continue to love them. They may lie about qualities they do not possess, and by doing so, they may try to get the admiration and respect they want.

   Image: IStock

3. To control the amount of information you have: Some people don’t like to provide others with too much information about themselves. It doesn’t matter if you are married to them; they will still hide certain details of their lives. For example, if you ask your spouse what their family or siblings do, they may not respond directly to you. This may be because they are embarrassed about their background or don’t want you to know everything about them.

4. To derive thrill out of lying: Your spouse may lie to get some thrill. By withholding information, they feel that they can control what you know and understand.

5. To avoid explanation: It may be that your partner thinks you may endlessly ask them about what they have done or plan to do. To them, this may seem troublesome, and lying is an easy way out. For example, they spend time with friends but lie to you that they are working. It’s not that they want to hide something, but they are worried that you might think they are spending time with friends drinking too much alcohol, or even flirting. Thus, they may lie to avoid explanation.

6. To avoid confrontation: You may hate your partner doing a certain thing. But if they can’t stop doing it, they will lie to you about it. For example, whenever you are away, they tend to stay outside late at night drinking wantonly. When you ask them, they will deny it to avoid a dispute with you.
   Point to consider

   Your spouse may lie because they think that the timing is not right to disclose something important. In this case, they will ultimately tell you the truth, maybe in a few days, weeks or months.

   Image: Shutterstock

7. To break up with you: This may not always be the case, but it is not impossible. Your partner may not want to continue the relationship with you and sees no reason for telling you everything, so they choose to lie. They may hope that you will eventually get a whiff of it.

Related: Top 35 Reasons Why Couples Break Up

How To Deal With A Lying Spouse

Perhaps you are right about your partner lying to you. But what can you do about it? Here are some ways to deal with a lying spouse.

1. Observe their habit of lying: First, you need to understand the reason behind the falsification. Are they lying to cover up their bad habit? Do they lie when you ask for their opinion on something? Are they lying to hide something from you? You need to understand if there are certain patterns to it or if they are a habitual liar.

2. Discuss the issue with them: If your partner is a habitual liar, confront them. Tell them how their habit of lying affects you and undermines the trust factor in the relationship. If they lie to protect your feelings, assure them that they can be honest with you. They can speak to you without being dishonest about their feelings. Try to find a way to resolve the problem.

   Image: Shutterstock

3. Change your attitude: In most cases, your partner may be lying because they cannot handle your reaction to it. After discussing with your partner, try to reflect on your reaction to see if you can bring any change that will enable honest communication between you and your partner.

Quick tip

Do not set up a situation where you can ‘catch them’ in a lie. Instead, tell them they’ve been dishonest, and gently explain that you feel betrayed.

4. Consult a marriage counselor: Seek help from a marriage counselor if your partner continues to lie despite all your efforts. Your partner may have stopped lying, but you may be judging your partner based on your past experiences. A marriage counselor can help you look at things objectively.

1. How does lying in a marriage affect the relationship?

Lying can lead to losing trust in your partner and other related issues. You may believe that only big lies can have an impact on your relationship. However, even minor and infrequent lies can gradually lead to distrust of your spouse for you, shaking the foundation of a healthy relationship.

2. When to leave a lying spouse?

It is entirely up to you if you want to stick to your spouse or leave them. But, before making any decision, try to resolve the issue and confront your partner about their behavior. Also, make your decision with a clear and calm mind; don’t do it when you’re agitated and angry, to make sure you don’t regret later.

3. What is pocketing in a relationship?

Pocketing in a relationship refers to when one partner intentionally hides the other person from their social circle and personal life, keeping them separate and not fully involved in public and private activities.

4. Is it possible for someone to be a good liar and not show any signs of deception?

Yes, some people can lie skillfully without showing any obvious signs of lying. They can excel in communication, managing their emotions, and pretending to be truthful, making it challenging for others to decipher their lying behaviors.

Avoiding eye contact while speaking, not answering you directly, altered behavior, and changes in tone of speech are some common signs your spouse is lying to you. Many of us resort to telling white lies when in difficult situations. However, dishonesty is not an acceptable trait in intimate relationships. Also, lying could create unwanted friction between you and your partner and ruin your trust. Hence, if you find your spouse lying to you often, try to deal with them calmly and find a solution to this habit before the situation worsens.

Key Pointers

• Lies and deceit in a marriage can destroy a relationship.
• Avoiding eye contact, taking more than usual time to answer your questions, changes in tone and body language, etc. , are some of the common signs that your spouse is lying.
• Talking to your partner about your suspicions or asking a neutral friend or marriage counselor to intervene can help you find an answer to your queries.

References:

MomJunction’s articles are written after analyzing the research works of expert authors and institutions. Our references consist of resources established by authorities in their respective fields. You can learn more about the authenticity of the information we present in our editorial policy.

1. https://www.researchgate.net/publication/8436708_Lying_Words_Predicting_Deception_from_Linguistic_Styles
   https://www.researchgate.net/publication/8436708_Lying_Words_Predicting_Deception_from_Linguistic_Styles

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How to Know When to Leave a Lying Spouse: 10 Things to Consider

In This Article

If you are considering when to leave a lying spouse, you should wait a bit. You must consider some things before this life-changing decision. Learn more about them in this article.

Some people think adultery and cheating are the biggest offense in a relationship or marriage. Sadly, other issues can cause a crack in the wall for couples. One of these is how to deal with a lying spouse.

A lying spouse poses a threat to the foundation of your relationship. To build a healthy relationship, any couple must be honest and trustworthy. 

With a lying spouse, however, it becomes challenging. You can’t even trust a tiny bit of information that they give you. Dealing with this person is frustrating and exhausting.

It’s only normal that most partners who have seen the signs of a lying spouse seek solutions when a spouse lies. For example, you may see questions like:

Why do spouses lie?

What’s the process of setting boundaries with a lying spouse?

You deserve answers to all these questions, but it’s beneficial to consider some things when dealing with a lying spouse before you do. What are they? Read this article to the end to find out.

What to do when your spouse keeps lying to you

First, spotting the signs of a lying spouse can be challenging. You love your partner to some extent, if not wholeheartedly. Therefore, when you suspect they aren’t straightforward, your affection for them shields you from believing they could be lying. 

Whether it’s lying about their activity or hiding things from you, it can hurt you to know you won’t be able to trust your partner. And best believe that no relationship can survive long with a lying spouse. 

Many people ask what to do when your husband lies to you all the time or when your wife keeps things from you.

Even though it is embarrassing for you and your partner, the best thing to do is confront them immediately. Don’t wait for hours or days later. Otherwise, they might twist the event, lie about it again and make you look like a fool. Instead, talk to them about the lie.

Tell your partner that you just realized they lie, and calmly tell them how it impacts and hurts the relationship.  

Most often, if caught red-handed, they might apologize and be willing to change. On the other hand, if they show no remorse, refuse to change, and continue to lie, those are clear signs you need more help in dealing with a lying spouse.

In addition, you can also set limits when you see lying spouse signs. Setting boundaries with a lying spouse can help you learn when to leave a lying spouse. If you are successful, your partner may change, or you can have peace of mind in the long haul.

When setting boundaries with a lying spouse, you need to protect yourself by being assertive and communicating your needs. Also, it is best to express your feelings and expectations clearly and directly. Start by telling your partner what you want subsequently in the relationship. 

Calmly tell them you won’t tolerate any more of their lies, and if they value the relationship, they need to stop lying. 

For example, you can say, “I value honesty in my relationships, and I expect you to be truthful with me. ” Also, consider protecting your privacy, and avoid sharing private and sensitive information with them until you are confident in their honesty. 

Finally, you should seek professional support if you’ve done everything to alleviate the lying situation, but nothing works. One way to do this is to go for marriage therapy. This is especially important if you are contemplating divorce.

10 things to consider when leaving a lying spouse

Discovering that your spouse has been dishonest to you can be devastating, and your first reaction may be to leave the relationship. However, it’s important to consider some factors if you are contemplating when to leave a lying spouse. Here are ten things to know as you sail through this difficult decision:

1. Honesty

You can’t compromise on honesty and trust to have a fulfilling relationship. Even if you don’t want to leave the relationship, ask yourself whether you can deal with dishonesty for a long time.  

Can you look at your partner with the same eyes as in the beginning? Can you listen to them objectively without judging or thinking they are lying? Honesty is a very important factor to consider to understand when to leave a lying spouse.

2. The severity of the lies

Another important factor to consider when you see the signs of a lying spouse is the extent of the lies. 

If your partner mostly tells white lies or lies about minor things, and these lies don’t harm your relationship, you can cut them slack. We have all lied at one point or the other in our lives. 

However, if your partner lies about big things or hides things from you, and it affects your connection, you may start to choose the date to leave.

3. Communication

Before you decide when to leave a lying spouse, have you tried a dialogue with them? Remember, love is gentle, kind, and compassionate. Lovers look out to help each other, especially in a crisis. 

Having honest and open communication when you see the signs of a lying spouse is great. It’s a way to give your partner the benefit of the doubt. Who knows? They may have a genuine reason for being dishonest (this isn’t in any way supporting dishonesty). 

4. Consider your conflict resolution skills

Could your spouse lie because they don’t know how to resolve issues amicably? Therefore, they switch to lying to make you feel better or make the issue disappear quickly. Again, only when you communicate openly can you learn the answers. 

If the lying spouse signs have been linked to an inability to handle conflict effectively, consider whether these issues can be addressed and improved upon.

5. The ability to change

After communicating your feelings and fear, you should consider your partner’s willingness to change. Indeed, chronic liars may find it challenging to change for their partners. They have lied so much that it’s become part of them. 

However, when someone truly loves you, they make a conscious and intentional effort to make you happy. One of these is being conscious when they speak and ensuring everything they say is the truth. If you have observed this in your partner, it is best to give them a chance.

Learn about things a man will only do if he loves you in this video:

6. Effect on your well-being

Another factor worth considering is your well-being. Lies from a loved one have the potential to cause emotional and psychological stress. It may also cause some physical defects. 

Has your partner’s dishonesty caused you significant stress, anxiety, or emotional distress? 

It’s best to prioritize your well-being even if you still want your partner. Then, determine whether staying in the relationship is healthy for you.

7. Impacts on children

When children are involved, you may need to think hard about your decision. Do the children know your partner lies a lot? Have they been affected by your lying spouse? Have they seen the signs of a lying spouse? 

If it appears that the children will be affected by lies in the relationship, it is best to take a decision that is best for them.

8. Impacts on finance

Leaving a lying spouse might affect your finances, especially if you have properties together or your partner is the breadwinner. Also, when children are involved, you should consider how leaving will affect their well-being financially. Nonetheless, this isn’t to say you should endure. 

Consider seeking professional help like marriage therapy if you don’t know a way out or are trying to learn when to leave a lying spouse. 

Related Reading: Financial Advice For Married Couples

9. What support system is available?

As you navigate this challenging period, consider the support system. Do you have friends or family that can help you cope and support you? If there is none, what’s the next option?

10. Consider your prospects

Leaving a lying spouse might create a gap in your life. How do you plan to live with this in the future? What are your plans for your next relationship? Reflect on what you want and whether leaving your relationship aligns with it.

How do you move on from a lying spouse

Once you know when to leave a lying spouse, you may wonder how to move on. The truth is moving forward from a deceitful partner is challenging. Remember, this is someone you’ve known and come to tolerate for a long time. 

Nonetheless, moving on entails recognizing and validating your emotions, establishing firm boundaries, prioritizing self-care, seeking professional support through therapy or counseling, and prioritizing your well-being. 

Some commonly asked questions

Here are some answers to some pressing questions that can clear up some of your doubts about the decision pertaining to when to leave a lying spouse: 

Lying destroys relationships because it breaks a partner’s trust and makes them question each other. When a pattern of dishonesty repeats itself, partners find it challenging to relate or have normal conversations. When there is no honest communication, the connection between spouses weakens. In turn, the relationship ends.

Whether lying is a probable cause for divorce depends on the partners involved and the severity of the lies. 

Some people may choose divorce if the lies are enormous and often cause discord between spouses. On the other hand, some individuals believe there could be a way out. Therefore, they seek how to deal with a lying spouse.

In a nutshell

If you deal with dishonesty in your relationship, you may wonder when to leave a lying spouse. If you decide to leave a lying spouse, you are well within your right. After all, you wear the shoes and know where it hurts the most. 

Nevertheless, it is worth considering some factors in this article before deciding when you see signs of a lying spouse. I hope you choose the right thing for yourself and your mental health.

“False Marriage” reviews and reader reviews of the book📖author Kimberly Belle, book rating – MyBook.

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1. for the book

reviews and reviews for the book

lenysjatko

Rated the book

Recently I am extremely interested in the topic of marital relations in books. What does it have to do with not some platitudes and quarrels, but globally posed questions: what if the husband is a maniac (like Stephen King in Happy marriage), or the faithful lives with the heroine in order to be able to control her, since she previously became a witness to his own crime (as was Sam Hayes in Yabed). The false marriage also turned out to be from the same opera, however, I was a little afraid if the performance let us down, but everything turned out to be on the level – the plot was captivating, and the author’s syllable did not cause any complaints at all.

Let me introduce you to Iris and Will, who have been happily married for seven years now. They have a wonderful relationship, a big house, successful careers. They are young and beautiful. The only thing left for them is to have a child, which they are working hard on.
But this idyll is destined to end soon – the hero has a business trip, he goes to the airport and in some strange way ends up on the wrong plane at all … Iris finds out about this later. When they call her and tell her that a terrible catastrophe has happened, and her husband’s body is somewhere among the rubble in a huge cornfield…

How did the beloved end up on the road from Seattle? And what else does she have to learn about a man who was so dear, but at one moment turned into a stranger?
Why do people who knew Will in the past speak so badly of him? And, in the end, what kind of strange messages come to her on her mobile phone? But this is only the beginning. The more Iris digs, the more terrifying answers will fall upon her. And only the support of the twin brother will give a little strength. And she will stand to the end to find out the truth and understand the real value of her marriage.

I listened to the book performed by Larisa Luganskaya. And everything flew by in one breath. I didn’t get bored for a minute. There was always a desire to know what was next.
The end didn’t seem beaten. There were, of course, some moments that gave away predictability, but the author did not abuse this.
The novel is light, pleasant. Just right for relaxation. I enjoyed and relaxed. So feel free to take it to the beach)) Have a great time))

July 29, 2020

LiveLib

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Rated the book

In fact, when I write in other reviews that I want something light and pleasing to the eye, I mean something like this book.
From the first pages you relax, the style is clear and very pleasant!
The story tells about a marriage in which people did not know anything about each other. Spoilers ahead.
I think that God forbid someone will come across such a wife. All her actions after the middle of the book – I do not understand. Such a stupid heroine, while working as a psychologist.
For some reason, she tells everyone she meets that her husband is alive (without checking this), even after she found out about him the terrible secret of youth.
OK ok. Then a huge man threatens her, instead of hinting to the lawyer that she is in trouble, she closes the door in front of his nose.
Okay , I can understand everything, but her trick is not.
Will told her the whole story of his youth, told why he went to steal money. Explained everything well. Instead of forgiving him and going with him. For the money that he got for her, he could easily change his documents and appearance. But no, she decided to hand him over to the cops. Wow, huh?
God forbid from such a wife…
In general, this garbage might not have happened if Will had calmly talked to his wife and told all this. Moreover, she is a psychologist.
In short, the most adequate character there is a lawyer.
In general, I liked it, it was cool 🙂

February 10, 2022

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nad1204

Rated the book

But I liked it! Already pleased that the main theme – not adultery. Although… I don’t know which is better…
In any case, betrayal and the fact that no one can be trusted are at the forefront. At all.
Even if it’s a beloved spouse, even if it’s love, even if…
It’s scary, isn’t it?
Isn’t it scary to find out that your husband died in a plane crash, and then that he stole a huge amount of money?
Not scared?
But you believed him, loved him, it seemed that you knew everything about him.
Isn’t it scary to know that his whole life is a lie? And the relationship with you is also on it?
So love or truth? Feelings or reality?
It’s not easy. I can’t say that I sympathize with the heroine, but somehow I understand her. I’m disappointed in Will too.
But was the last scene needed??? I doubt.

July 26, 2019

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OrangeSwan

Rated the book

When I picked up the book, I thought again about betrayal. But no. Here is another form of betrayal , and I still can’t figure out whose act turned out to be worse. Whom to condemn? Who is right and who is wrong? The one who chose his ideal marriage over money? Or the one who betrayed his love because of resentment and revenge?

So Will and Iris. An ideal marriage in all respects, an ideal husband. After these words, it is clear that nothing ideal awaits us, but only deceit, secrets, skeletons in the closet. At the very beginning, reading about this ideal husband, I mentally told him: “How can you be so perfect and loving in the eyes of your wife? Where does this talent come from?” To make your wife happy every day, to give gifts despite the mortgage, to please her… Not everyone can do that. And when the plane in which he was flying crashed, I experienced the same feeling as the heroine. No, I certainly didn’t feel sick every second, but I felt sorry for him. Him and the heroine.

Well, then it started. Investigations, past secrets, threats, text messages…

I don’t know who did the wrong thing, but I know one thing for sure: Will loved Iris more than she loved him. Do you know why? One man who lost his wife and daughter in a crash said, “I would forgive anything if they were standing before me alive.” Here it is, love, his mother. How can you do what the heroine did? Whoa?! She wasn’t betrayed, she’s a traitor! She probably didn’t love him either. I bought into beautiful courtship, but I didn’t even try to understand what was in his soul. Most importantly, she is happy. And she loved him when he was “ideal”, but she did not want to accept the real one.

It would be better if he cheated on her.

January 2, 2019

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JulieAlex

Rated the book

Iris’ husband dies in a plane crash, but how did he end up on that flight? Will told his wife that he was going to a conference in a completely different place. What was he doing on the plane on the way to Seattle? A friend, whom the woman did not know about, said that her husband wanted to get a job there. The next day, the woman finds a condolence card from the school, also from Seattle. So Iris and her brother Dave set out to look for answers.
The book makes me think about what I would do in such a situation. Would you like to seek the truth? Is it worth it to shake cabinets with the skeletons of a deceased person? Maybe you should leave pleasant memories, and let the past remain in its place?
The plot was interesting until the middle, then it began to wane. I was annoyed by the behavior of the heroine. She was constantly nauseous, something rolled up her throat. I understand that in such a situation this is a normal reaction of a person, but there were too many of these references. As if the author, thanks to them, increased the size of the book. I was also surprised by the heroine herself. She is a psychologist and did not notice anything strange in her husband’s behavior. From small memories it was clear that the husband always had secrets from his wife. As a specialist working with children, she must see lies better than others. Love came with a gift in the form of rose-colored glasses, apparently.
Not without patterns, which often began to decorate books. I’m talking about a good, kind and understanding brother and friend – gay. It even made me laugh. They don’t publish books if there are no gays in the story?
As a result, the book is good as an entertaining read at a time. I read it and forgot it, but I liked the cover, and I fell for it. Also, the name is bright, attracts attention. The genre is not quite right, it’s not a romance novel, but a thriller.

October 17, 2018

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Svetlana Zenkina

Evaluated the book

Very good book! Impressive finale.

June 11, 2018

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tiu…@mail.ru

Appreciated the book

A military father who adores his beautiful daughter, ready to help her on any insignificant occasion 24 hours a day. Mother-hen, preparing soups for an adult daughter. A homosexual brother who openly lives with a man and is not ashamed of this perversion in front of his parents. He does not forget every second to tenderly care for the poor heroine, dragging her drunk on his shoulders from the bars. The girl graduated from the university with a degree in psychology, picked up superficial knowledge and is now confident that she is not only beautiful and loved, but also wise and professional. I don’t know about beauty, but everything else is a myth, embedded by inadequate papa’s love in the brain of an impudent pet.
Tetekha didn’t see anything in her husband, reveling in her exclusivity. To be honest, the ending is quite natural.
The novel will be pleasant to those who were brought up in an atmosphere that gives rise in the child to an opinion about their own significance. This kind of reader will probably approve of the heroine and her actions. The rest – not so happy, but more compassionate – will be disgusted with the young lady, envy for her life-light, carefully hidden from themselves, and incredible pity for . .. Whom pity, you will find out after reading the book.

June 14, 2018

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Valentina Chistyakova

Rated the book

The book is excellent! But the end… That’s kind of sad…
And so a good thriller.

July 19, 2018

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Yulia Volkova

Rated the book

The book is addictive. The plot is interesting. I wasn’t expecting anything special, but I couldn’t put it down. The presentation is light, gradually addictive. The only but .. this is the end of the book. Everything seems to be good, predictable, but, in my opinion, the author was able to make the denouement brighter, more unexpected.

April 27, 2022

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A word about lies.

Rev. John of the Ladder

On April 12, the Orthodox Church commemorates St. John of the Ladder, Abbot. Mount Sinai. Almost no information has been preserved about the origin of the saint. There is a tradition that he was born around 570 and was the son of Sts. Xenophon and Mary, whose memory is celebrated by the Church on January 26. At the age of 16, the boy came to the Sinai monastery. Abba Martyrius became the mentor and leader of the ascetic. After four years in Sinai, St. John was tonsured into monasticism. Abba Stratigius, who was present at the tonsure, predicted that he would become a great lamp of the Church.

For 19 years the monk labored in obedience to his spiritual father. After the death of Abba Martyrius, John chose a hermit life, retreating to a deserted place called Fola, where he spent 40 years in the feat of silence, fasting, prayer and tears of repentance. It is known about the way of life of the great ascetic monk that he ate what was not forbidden by the charter of fasting life, but in moderation. He did not spend nights without sleep, although he slept no more than was necessary to maintain strength, so as not to destroy the mind by unceasing wakefulness. “I did not fast excessively ,” he says of himself, “ and did not indulge in increased night vigils, did not lie on the ground, but humbled myself, and the Lord soon saved me.”

Hiding his exploits from people, St. John sometimes secluded himself in a cave, but the fame of his holiness spread far beyond the place of exploits, and visitors of all ranks and states constantly came to him, eager to hear the word of edification and salvation. At the age of 75, the monk was elected abbot of the Sinai monastery. He ran the monastery for about four years. The Lord endowed the saint by the end of his life with the grace-filled gifts of clairvoyance and miracles.

Igum. John left behind a remarkable epistolary legacy. Perhaps his most famous work is The Ladder, written in response to a letter to the namesake Abbot of Raifa. The title of the book has a deep meaning. The steps of the spiritual ladder of virtues are the transition from strength to strength on the path of a person’s striving for perfection, which can be gradually achieved, for “The kingdom of heaven is taken by force, and those who use force take it by force” (Mt. 11, 12).

On the eve of Holy Week, when every Orthodox Christian must go deep into himself and shut himself up in the cages of his soul in order to overcome the passions that live in us, we bring to your attention a summary of one of the chapters of the Ladder.

Word 12. About lies

In this chapter, Rev. John gives a clear description of this vice. Points out the cause and consequences, gives advice on how to deal with both.

1. Iron and stone, colliding, produce fire: verbosity and laughter breed lies.

3. No one of the prudent will consider a lie a minor sin; for there is no vice against which the All-Holy Spirit would utter such a terrible saying as against a lie.