Men fantasy: The Top 9 Sexual Fantasies for Men
The Top 9 Sexual Fantasies for Men
The nature of sexual fantasies is that they push the boundaries a bit, stir up your usual mix, and allow you to explore the depth of your desires. And however deeply buried you keep those fantasies in your brain, they’re nothing to be ashamed of.
“In my own research on the subject, I find that more than 98 percent of men report having fantasies,” says Justin Lehmiller, PhD, a research fellow at the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University in Bloomington and the author of Tell Me What You Want. Sex therapists agree that sexual fantasies don’t necessarily indicate dissatisfaction with one’s current partner, either.
Dr. Lehmiller surveyed more than 4,000 American adults about their sexual fantasies for his book, and certain scenarios popped up more frequently than others. According to his research, as well as testaments from other sex therapists, the following are six of the most common sexual fantasies men have — along with tips on how you can bring some of that excitement to your IRL bedroom.
For the most part, the fantasies don’t differ much whether you’re gay, straight, or somewhere in between; only the gender of the partner does.
1. His Partner Pursues Him and Takes Control
A little break from your reality is what fantasizing is all about. So the idea of your partner directing the sex script for the night — particularly if your role in the relationship is typically the take-charge guy — can feel like a breakthrough bedroom change. “Sexual surrender is a way to say, ‘I need you to take control. I need to submit to you,’” says Dan Lacovara, a licensed marriage and family therapist for the Center for Healthy Sex in Washington, DC.
To get your partner on board with this kind of role reversal, or any type of fantasy you may have, consider how well you know your current partner. “If you’re at a second-date scenario, what do you have to lose?” says Andrew Smiler, PhD, a sex therapist based in Winston-Salem, North Carolina, and the author of Dating and Sex, adding that there may be less fear of rejection since you haven’t yet invested much time or effort into the person.
“If you’re with a long-term partner, you have more to lose — but you may have a better sense of how to approach the conversation.”
2. Could More Be Merrier? A Threesome
Lots of guys, across the sexual board, are very into the multipartner fantasy. And despite common notions about threesomes, it’s not always about selfishly having a new person in the mix for yourself. “Many men are excited about the concept of their partner being pleasured by someone else,” says Lacovara.
Negotiating a threesome with your partner may be more difficult than some of these other common fantasies. “Jealousy and insecurity come into play,” says Lacovara. (Not to mention the logistics of finding someone else to join in.) “For some people, sex is an intimate two-person experience for them, and they aren’t comfortable with that being interrupted.”
But if you do have a partner who is game to try it out, you might discover that something the third person does is a real turn-on that you haven’t thought about doing.
“You both can learn a trick or two,” he says.
3. Submission: He’s Tied Up, Teased, and Spanked
This type of fantasy takes the sexual surrender theme to a kinkier place. And while men of any sexual persuasion can dream of being submissive in the bedroom, Lehmiller says that men who identify as anything other than heterosexual tend to have more fantasies about BDSM (bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism) relative to their heterosexual counterparts. “I think this is at least partly explained by the fact that gay, bisexual, and pansexual men have already violated the norm of heterosexuality, which makes it less costly to violate other sexual norms and explore their sexuality fully,” he says.
If you want to bring this one up with your partner, be prepared for the possibility that they may worry they’re going to hurt you. “It can be triggering to some partners to feel comfortable with pain exchange,” says Lacovara. You can help ease their concerns by setting up a safe word or phrase, a prearranged signal to immediately end any sexual activity with no questions or judgment.
4. Exhibitionism: Sex in a Public Place
This type of fantasy clearly falls into the taboo category. “For most people who are into exhibitionism, the turn-on is that it’s naughty,” says Lacovara. “It’s something that people aren’t supposed to do, and the arousal isn’t just genital.” He says the body also gets flushed by dopamine, which is a neurotransmitter that gives you a sense of pleasure.
If you’re into the idea of trying this with your partner, be prepared to make a few compromises, since it’s perfectly natural for someone not to be turned on by the thought of being seen having sex — or the idea of possible arrest. “Ask your partner if they’re willing to dip a toe into the fantasy. Exhibitionism can be something that’s not so overt,” Lacovara says. You and your partner can test the waters by having sex in front of a window of your own home, rather than in a city park in broad daylight.
5. Domination: Pleasure Blended With Pain
Smiler says that BDSM power control, rough sex, and even choking have become more popular in fantasies as they’ve become more popular in porn.
“Rough sex is a flavor that some men want on occasion, but not always as a regular flavor,” he says. “If you have to be very controlled in your daily life and you’re not allowed to have certain thoughts, in your fantasies, that’s a place where those desires are allowed to come out.”
If the idea of tying up, spanking, or pegging your partner floats your boat, it can be hot to give it a go in real life. But you need a clear line of communication with your partner before you test any of it out. “Say right up front, ‘I want to talk about this, and it’s kind of tricky for me,’” says Lacovara. “Partners need to talk about sex together, and you need to make sure there is a safe space for that.”
6. Role-Play: Trying Out New Identities
Whether your fantasy is to dress up like a cowboy, a construction worker, or a butler (you do you), this type of fantasy is simply cosplay. “You want to pretend to be something or someone different, and that can be one of the more playful parts of sex,” says Lacovara.
“It’s very collaborative, and you are creating a whole new narrative when you’re role-playing.”
The great news if this type of fantasy gets you aroused is that it’s one of the easiest to turn into reality, says Lacovara. “These scenarios are low-risk, and even if it’s not working, it can become very funny,” he says. “The only real downside to it is how much you may need to invest in costumes.”
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Normal Male Sexual Fantasies
Ian Gavan/Getty Images
The typical male thinks about sex almost twice as much as the average woman. Now, we have a better idea of what they are thinking about, thanks to a recently published study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine.
A team of researchers at the University of Quebec at Trois-Rivieres asked a pool of 1,516 men and women, living in the province of Quebec, what they fantasized about sexually. The participants were anywhere from 18 to 77 years old, and the average age was 30 years.
Though the answers are not from a culturally diverse group, they still offer an interesting sample. Of the 717 men studied, 1.5% identified as being homosexual, 9.8% were bisexual, and the rest were heterosexual. (We describe the full study here.)
One of the surprising finds, according to the researchers, was the large percentage of participants who reported homosexual acts in their fantasies. Despite the less than 12% of males who reported being homosexual or bisexual:
- 26.8% of all male participants fantasized about giving oral sex to a man
- 20.6% of all male participants fantasized about having sex with another man
A larger percentage of women also reported homosexual fantasies.
The researchers conducted a two-part study. First, participants read and rated 55 statements describing different sexual fantasies. They rating scale was based on how intense the fantasy was for them on scale of one to seven, seven being the most intense, three being the least intense, and one or two meaning the person did not fantasize about that act.
Here are the 10 statements the highest percentage of men in the study said they fantasized about (a rating of three or higher):
Business Insider
The second half of the study asked participants to describe their favorite sexual fantasy if it was not one of the 55 statements they rated.
Overall, men described more varied fantasies than women. And the researchers reported that the men’s fantasies were more detailed and specific than those of the female respondents.
The research team organized the participants written descriptions into different themes. Here are some of the themes from the male respondents and the percentage who reported these themes:
- Fantasies that involve watching people undressing or having sex (15%)
- Fantasies about different fetishes that involve feet, clothing or fabrics, and nonsexual objects (14%)
- Fantasies that involve sex with an authority figure or celebrity (4.2%)
- Fantasies that involve zero gravity (1.4%)
- Fantasies specifically about infidelity (0.9%)
Below is the complete survey of questions with the percentage of men who reported fantasizing about each act. The grey boxes are the “common” fantasies that more than 50% of people said they had.
Joyal et al.
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