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Moving on break up: 3 Ways to Move on After a Break Up

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How To Move On After a Breakup, According to Psychology

Relationships

written by CARLEIGH FERRANTE

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    Karolina Grabowska | Pexels

    If you’ve ever wondered how to move on after a breakup and having gone through heartache, you may have experienced common sentiments from friends and family such as “I never liked them anyway,” “You can do much better,” or the classic “Time heals all wounds.” But have you ever thought to turn to science to help mend your broken heart? As a psychology junkie, I have spent some of my darkest post-breakup hours watching psychologists speak in TED Talks and reading books about the science of heartbreak.

    I’m not saying I haven’t drowned my sorrows in a pint of Ben & Jerry’s while binge-watching my favorite rom-coms before. There is always a time and a place for wallowing, but I’ve learned the most helpful tips for moving on from doing my research. So to help you with your broken heart, I’ve rounded up six of my favorite pieces of psychologist-backed advice that helped me move on after even the most painful breakup. You can reach for your ice cream and fill up your Netflix queue, but if you follow these steps too, you may be healed sooner than you think.

     

    1. Let yourself be upset

    If you’re trying to forget about the breakup and pretend like it never happened, you’re just delaying the healing process. In his Ted Talk How to Get Over The End of a Relationship, Dr. Antonio Pascual-Leone, a clinical psychologist and researcher, said to focus on uncomfortable feelings of sadness, emptiness, and loneliness instead of avoiding them. “While you’re avoiding the issue, nothing can change,” he explained. While the length of the coping process varies for everyone, Dr. Pascual-Leone’s research shows that many of the steps needed are the same, and the first one is always to allow yourself to feel all the emotions. You need to go through the eye of the storm to get a sense of what you are feeling and why you are feeling that way. Also, you won’t be suppressing or holding onto any emotions in the long term when you allow yourself to truly feel them. 

     

    2. Determine what you needed out of that relationship

    While you’re feeling all the emotions that come from the ending of a relationship—pain, hurt, sadness, loneliness—use this as an opportunity to find out what it is that you need. What were you hoping to get out of that relationship? Was it the desire to feel valuable, loved, or like you were a priority? Dr. Pascual-Leone said that change and healing start to happen “when you spell out what you deeply need, even if you don’t feel entitled to it yet.”

    Even if you were not the one who wanted the breakup, the relationship ended for a reason and your needs were not being met (even if those needs were unconditional support or loyalty). Take a minute to think about what you were searching for from that relationship. Then, think about how you can begin to give those things to yourself. How can you make yourself feel valued, supported, or loved unconditionally? Breakups give us a lot of insight into our innermost needs, so use this period to reevaluate what you truly need out of a relationship so you know for the next relationship but, more importantly, for the relationship with yourself.

     

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    3. Rediscover yourself

    Surprisingly, one of the reasons breakups are so hard is not always because we miss that person, but because we miss who we were with that person or what we could have been. “Research shows that breakups lead you to experience a loss of self,” explained Dr. Gary Lewandowski Jr., author of Stronger Than You Think and a professor of psychology, in his Ted Talk Break-Ups Don’t Have to Leave You Broken. “When you lose a relationship, part of who you are as a person goes with it.” So how do you soften the blow of a difficult breakup? Use it as an opportunity to rediscover yourself.

    Dr. Lewandowski Jr. defines rediscovery of self as “recapturing those things that you may have sacrificed or diminished while you were in the relationship.” Think about the hobbies, friendships, or even movies/songs/books that you enjoy but put on the back burner while you were in that relationship. Maybe it’s as simple as, you love sushi and your partner couldn’t stand to be around raw fish or you love sci-fi while your significant other always wanted to watch a comedy. Yes, we experience a loss of who we thought we would be, but realizing that being in the wrong relationship actually prevented you from being who you’re meant to be will help lessen that loss. Dr. Lewandowski Jr.’s research shows that focusing on yourself and rediscovering who you are accelerates the coping process because you no longer feel that loss of self.  

     

    4. Stop looking for answers

    Even if we know the reason for the breakup, we often create stories in our minds about alternative reasons, what might have been, or what we could have done differently. People can quite literally become addicted to playing the memories of their relationship over and over again in their heads, searching for where it went wrong—and yes, I mean addicted. “Brain studies have shown that the withdrawal of romantic love activates the same mechanism in our brains that get activated when addicts are withdrawing from substances like cocaine or opioids,” explained Guy Winch, a psychologist and speaker, in his Ted Talk How to Fix a Broken Heart. Bottom line: You’re searching for answers because you’re trying to hold onto the relationship out of addiction, not because an explanation would help you get over it. “No explanation is ever going to feel satisfying,” Winch recommended. “Be willing to let it go and accept that it’s over. ”

     

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    5. Take off the rose-colored glasses

    When we look back on past relationships, it is incredibly common to remember only the fond memories, but viewing your ex with rose-colored glasses is counterproductive and will only make it more difficult to move on. After a breakup, we often idealize the person who broke our hearts or made us miserable and forget any negative things about them or the relationship. Winch recommends to his clients to make a list of all the ways the person was wrong for them, including negative qualities, pet peeves, and disagreements that could not be solved. Then, revert back to that list whenever nostalgia, regret, or loneliness comes up. “Your mind will try to tell you they were perfect, but they weren’t and neither was the relationship,” he said. “If you want to get over them, you have to remind yourself of that frequently.”

     

    6. Fill the voids

    It sounds cheesy, but now that we’ve identified what holes are in your broken heart, it’s time to fill them. What are you truly missing from that relationship? Identify how to fill those voids in other ways. Maybe that means calling up your friends and making plans for a night out because you miss having a go-to person to spend time with. Maybe you just miss the romantic connection or intimacy and are ready to sign up for dating apps and start going on dates. Maybe it has to do with missing who you were in the past relationship, so you focus on dating yourself for a while and fill your own voids. Whatever voids you need filled and however you do so, try getting out of your comfort zone (and getting out of the house!). Be honest with yourself about what you actually need, put one foot in front of the other, and identify what you’re truly missing in order to fully heal.

     

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    How to Get Over a Breakup: 7 Tips From Therapists

    The end of a relationship comes with a slew of big feelings. Try following this expert advice to get through it.

    Medically Reviewed

    As the classic song goes, “breaking up is hard to do.” And often what comes next — recovering from the end of the relationship — is even harder.

    That’s because breakups bring a host of emotions — shame, guilt, anger, sadness, and sometimes relief, says Kelli Harding, MD, MPH, an assistant clinical professor of psychiatry at Columbia University Irving Medical Center in New York City.

    There’s also grief. “Breakups are a grieving process with a wide range of emotions,” says Jessica Leader, a licensed marriage and family therapist with Root to Rise Therapy in Los Angeles.

    A big part of that grief comes from the loss of what you thought your future would look like.

    “Grief over a different future than imagined is often a part of the dynamic,” Dr. Harding says. To make matters worse, the end of a long-term relationship may entail thorny logistical questions, like how to handle children and finances, in addition to all the emotions, Harding says.

    And remember, there’s no age minimum or limit when it comes to how much a split can hurt, whether it was a six-week fling or a six-year relationship. “Losing a relationship with someone you love at any age is painful and takes time to heal,” Harding says. “If it was a short relationship but knocks the wind out of your sails when it’s over, that’s okay to acknowledge, and feel all the feelings to move through them.”

    Though breakups are always hard, people generally become better equipped to deal with them as time goes on. “There is a saying with grief that is true for breakups too: It never gets better, only easier,” Harding says. “With life experience, we often learn that everything is temporary, including the pain of negative emotions such as loss and grief. ”

    Expect healing to take time. And be sure to keep taking care of yourself, experts say.
    Juan Moyano/Stocksy

    7 Tips for Coping When a Relationship Ends

    The pain you feel may be temporary, but that doesn’t make it easy. Rather than have you go it alone, we asked psychologists for advice on how to cope.

    Here are seven tips to help you get through.

    1. Keep Taking Care of Yourself

    When you’re bogged down with feelings of despair, you don’t think clearly and likely aren’t thinking about your well-being at all. But this is when it’s most important. Previous research showed that breakups can lead to insomnia and compromised immune function. Harding says to focus on the basics: Keep up with your exercise routine, sleep well, eat a healthy diet, and maintain positive social connections.

    2. Write a Letter to Your Ex

    “I often have clients write a letter to their ex-partner thanking them for what they gained in the relationship and saying goodbye,” Leader says. This exercise is adapted from the book Conscious Uncoupling by Katherine Woodward Thomas, and it could give you the closure you need.

    Leader says she has couples share the letter when they’re in couple’s therapy for separation, but it doesn’t have to be shared with your ex. For most people, the benefit comes from writing out your thoughts and closing that chapter.

    3. Surround Yourself With People You Love

    Your heart may be telling you to stay in bed and ignore the world outside, but getting out will likely make you feel better. A study published in the October 2021 International Association of Relationship Research found social interactions can protect against feelings of loneliness and depression. “Lean on your support system,” Leader says. Let your friends support you so you can have extra love around you. Say yes to invitations to catch up over coffee or hang out on the couch.

    4. Expect Healing to Take Time

    Here’s the harsh truth: Feeling better is probably going to take some time. You may even have a string of good days before something triggers you and puts you right back where you started. “Recovering doesn’t always happen linearly, and sometimes strong emotions show up out of the blue,” Harding says. “Please know this is to be expected.”

    It’s even possible you won’t ever get over this person completely. That’s normal too, Harding says. The key is to learn to carry on. “Loss is a part of the education of the human heart,” Harding says.

    5. Feel the Feelings

    “Whatever you experience, just please know it’s okay to have the feelings you have,” Harding says. And if you think about it, simply having those feelings shows your openness to love. “The fact that you have the capacity to feel so deeply is a wonderful prognosis for your next relationship,” Harding says. “Breakups, rejection, and loss are painful, and they make us more empathetic to others.”

    Rather than push the negative feelings away, talk about them head-on with a friend, therapist, family member, or mentor. “Writing your feelings out, even for 10 to 15 minutes at a time several days in a row, can make a world of difference,” Harding says. “You can even tear up the piece of paper afterwards if you like.”

    6. Do Something Kind for Someone Else

    Sometimes it can be helpful to get out of your own head and focus on someone or something else. A small study published in 2018 in the Journal of Experimental Psychology: General found that distraction was an effective post-breakup strategy. Harding says doing something kind for someone else delivers an instant mood boost and puts your troubles in perspective. “For example, volunteering is a great way to help recover from a breakup,” she suggests. “You can also organize volunteering with a friend who is going through a breakup if they are willing.”

    7. Seek Professional Help

    While it’s normal and necessary for it to take time before you feel like yourself again, not improving as time passes can be worrisome. “If days turn into weeks that you’re having trouble functioning at work or in school, please go talk to someone,” Harding says. “It is okay to feel sad, but it is not okay to stop living your life.”

    Seek out a counselor or therapist to talk things through. Harding also suggests calling a free and confidential warmline, which is a listening phone service staffed by people who are recovering from mental health issues, if you don’t have anyone in your life you can share openly with. “Just remember you are not alone, and talking to someone can help,” Harding says.

    Editorial Sources and Fact-Checking

    • Field T. Romantic Breakups, Heartbreak, and Bereavement. Psychology. 2011.
    • Langeslag SJE, Sanchez ME. Down-Regulation of Love Feelings After a Romantic Breakup: Self-Report and Electrophysiological Data. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General. 2018.
    • Kuczynski AM, Halvorson MA, Kanter JW, et al. The Effect of Social Interaction Quantity and Quality on Depressed Mood and Loneliness: A Daily Diary Study. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. October 2021.

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    6 steps after a breakup that will save you from mistakes in a new relationship

    Relationship

    August 17, 2020

    Before looking for love, you will have to learn to live alone and work on yourself.

    1. End the previous relationship

    If you moved things to another apartment, stamped a divorce in your passport, or officially announced your separation on social networks, this does not mean that the relationship is over. They continue as you revisit the situation over and over again, revisit photos, spy on your ex on the Internet. It will not be possible to quickly forget about the past, it takes a certain period.

    When a flower is transplanted into another pot, it first languishes under the new conditions, even though there is more space and better soil. It needs time to get used to and blossom. People are more complex, so you need it too.

    Focus on taking care of yourself first and take your time. Move at your own pace. If you do not survive the pain of previous relationships, new ones will only add problems.

    Oleg Ivanov

    psychologist, conflictologist, head of the Center for Settlement of Social Conflicts

    Wait a bit before starting a new relationship after a divorce or separation. Or a lot – it depends on how hard the breakup was for you. In my opinion, if the relationship lasted several years, then it is worth starting to build new ones no earlier than a year after the break.

    2. Recover from trauma

    Breaking up a relationship is a trauma for both participants in the process. It does not matter who was the initiator, why you broke up, whether there are reasons for joy and relief. It will hurt. Being brave and pretending you don’t care is not the best choice. Ignoring the problem, mental wounds cannot be cured.

    Nadezhda Efremova

    psychotherapist

    It is necessary to restore yourself, starting with basic needs. First, adjust sleep and nutrition. As soon as the basic segments return to normal, you can begin to move towards communication with loved ones. Don’t rush to make new friends right away. First you need to feel the ground again under your feet and lick your wounds next to those with whom you can be vulnerable and from whom you can receive love and care. And only after that gradually go out into society and add new hobbies and activities.

    3. Work on self-esteem

    Breaking up hurts self-esteem. You may doubt your attractiveness, scold yourself for not being able to maintain a relationship, feel guilty. All this makes you vulnerable. You can jump into a new relationship to prove to yourself and your past love that you’re still awesome. Or, on the contrary, be afraid that no one will love you anymore, and start dating just anyone.

    Andrey Smirnov

    psychotherapist

    After the end of a relationship, a person is often overwhelmed by the fear of loneliness, the inability to live without someone’s support. Such fears are mostly irrational and can be easily overcome when communicating with a psychologist. First of all, it is necessary to realize that there are no irreplaceable ones and it is absolutely always possible to find a more suitable partner.

    It is possible that you will look not for a person, but for a function – someone who will help you forget, survive, become different from your past love. And it’s not a fact that such relationships will help you recover and be productive.

    Many people are so unable to endure the pain of a breakup that they almost immediately decide to move into a new relationship. This story is very similar to walking on thin ice. And in fact, there is no resource in it – continuous internal tension. Starting a new relationship from a state where everything hurts and bleeds is like running with a broken leg and pretending like you’re fine.

    Nadezhda Efremova

    When you end a long relationship, it takes time to understand the new rules of the game. You have not flirted seriously for a long time, you have become older. The old templates no longer work. We’ll have to figure out what has changed in the world and how Tinder works.

    4. Learn to live alone

    In a long-term relationship, one way or another, you get used to your partner, somewhere yielding to him, somewhere giving up your desires and habits. Loneliness is a great opportunity to return to the original version of yourself. Resetting the personality to the basic settings will not work, and it is not necessary: ​​you have matured, gained experience and changed. Now you can afford to decide on your own desires, plans and aspirations without regard to the opinion of your partner.

    The halves theory sounds nice. But it is better to come into relationships whole and build them with the same self-sufficient partner.

    Before starting a new relationship, take care of your own well-being, career, health. If a person is successful and independent, a line of potential partners is lined up for him. And he slowly chooses with whom he is more comfortable. So after the end of the relationship, it is best to live without a partner for a while and strengthen your own positions. This does not mean that you need to abandon all meetings. They provide a lot of emotional nourishment, even if they don’t lead to a relationship.

    Andrey Smirnov

    5. Work on the mistakes

    There is usually a reason for a breakup, even if you broke up peacefully and without tragedy. In order not to repeat the same mistakes in the following relationships, you need to understand where you turned the wrong way. And it’s not about redrawing yourself to the generally accepted standard. On the contrary, you have to understand yourself and accept yourself in order to choose more suitable people.

    Alexander Bodrov

    counseling psychologist, coach

    Ideally, no matter how trite it may sound, you should go to a psychologist or psychotherapist to deal with this together with a specialist. Very often, a break in a relationship follows a repeating scenario. And working together with a psychologist will help you find and understand the internal causes that draw you into this scenario and trigger destructive relationships.

    In addition, pay attention to possible mistakes in interaction with a partner. There are things that are easy to learn. But many ignore them, because they simply do not think that it was possible. For example, it is not necessary to demand telepathic abilities from a partner, and then be offended that he could not read thoughts. If you accept that this is impossible, and speak out your desires and feelings, life will become much easier.

    To protect yourself from repeating the previous scenario, you need to take the time to work on the mistakes. For example, to realize where the merger took place and which of the partners completely dissolved themselves in the other. Maybe at some point they were too lazy to talk about the conflict, and the gap is just the result of resentment that has not found a way out. After a detailed analysis, you can see the points that need to be adjusted. If this is not done, then you can run into a similar relationship with the grace of a hippopotamus and go on a new circle of the same scenario, just with another person.

    Nadezhda Efremova

    In general, it is important to remember that all people are different and the ways of interacting with a new partner will be different.

    The usual tricks and habits will not work with a new person. You do not need to communicate with him in the same way as you are used to talking with your ex-husband or wife. You should not idealize a new partner, try to see a real person with all his advantages and disadvantages.

    Oleg Ivanov

    6. Don’t focus on relationships

    Do not make the search for a new love an end in itself. Even if you’ve done a lot of work on yourself, pursuing a relationship for the sake of a relationship is a weird thing to do.

    At first, I generally recommend not to go in cycles in the search for a serious relationship. It is much more important to believe in yourself again, to feel desired, to increase self-esteem. It is important to gain new experience, to remember forgotten communication skills with the opposite sex. Learn to trust. As long as there are enough smooth, calm relationships (not necessarily love ones), thanks to which your life will become better.

    Oleg Ivanov

    How did you go through parting? Share your experience in the comments.

    Read also 💔

    • How to survive a divorce: 12 tips from personal experience
    • How not to suffer from loneliness
    • How I realized it was time to get a divorce: personal experience

    Psychologist Alekseeva explained how to survive a breakup with a loved one

    Psychologist Alekseeva explained how to survive a breakup with a loved one – Gazeta.Ru | News

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    In order to survive a break with a loved one as comfortably as possible, you need to give yourself a “cry” and get over the situation, and also not enter into a new relationship after a short time. Psychologist Ekaterina Alekseeva told Gazeta.Ru about this.

    According to the expert, parting in a healthy relationship is usually the most painless.

    “Usually, a breakup in a healthy relationship happens by agreement, with calm discussions. Often people continue to communicate, supporting each other and maintaining friendly or friendly relations, ”said the psychologist.

    She noted that for other types of relationships, everything is much more complicated, but it is still possible to identify general solutions for them. The first of them is re-awareness of relationships with a cold head.

    “Consider whether you really had a good time in this relationship, and most importantly, do not drive negative emotions away from yourself. Everything you feel needs to be lived. Give yourself time to cry, worry and accept everything. Otherwise, emotions will return like in ping-pong with exactly the same force with which you drive them away from you, ”explained Ekaterina Alekseeva.

    The expert also recommended remembering everything that brings joy and doing it or finding a new hobby that will help you reboot.

    “Traveling, a change of scenery, meeting new people and culture helps a lot, all this shifts the focus of attention. And don’t be afraid to ask for support from loved ones and learn to take care of yourself on your own. No matter how important the help and participation of others is, no one will take care of you better than you. You are the main person in your life.

    Another important detail: don’t start a new relationship right away or very soon after the breakup, especially if you’re trying to hurt your new partner or forget yourself in this way,” the psychologist added.

    She noted that it is very important to understand that in order to build healthy relationships, you need to build such relationships with yourself, learn to understand yourself, be aware of your emotions, desires, learn to feel harmoniously alone with yourself, build the boundaries of your personality.

    “If you want to find a partner with whom you can build a healthy relationship, then you need time to work with yourself and understand yourself, especially if you have never done this before. And also teach yourself to indulge, realize that the relationship is over and try to find pluses in this. What has this situation taught you? What can you be grateful for?

    If you have come out of a very difficult co-dependent or counter-dependent relationship, then the best thing you can do for yourself is to start working with a psychologist, ”expert Alekseeva concluded.

    Previously, psychologist Kapalbayeva explained how to deal with burnout.

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