15 surprising reasons you crave affection so much (and what to do about it)

Do you crave affection all the time?

It’s perfectly normal. Not only do we crave it, but we also need it.

Sometimes it seems like all we can think about is getting more affection, or wishing for it if we don’t have it. It can feel obsessive.

Let’s talk about some top reasons why you crave affection so much, and what you can do about it.

Why you crave affection

1) You crave what it creates

Affection creates the feeling that you’re loved, accepted, and safe. Physical touch and other forms of affection are the principal way that we as humans communicate these feelings.

Without affection, things can be really rough. We’re faced with intense feelings of loneliness, perhaps rejection, and it can lead to negative feelings and emotions.

Craving affection is a perfectly normal thing. In fact, physical touch has countless health benefits. And not just physically, either. It’s really for mental and emotional health.

This point is important and first and here’s why: Craving affection is normal, and receiving affection is healthy. This fact will help you balance these other feelings, and help you cope with the desire for affection.

It’s easy for these feelings to overwhelm us, though. I’ve struggled with this in the past due to a lack of affection in my childhood.

Finding a healthy balance is vital. Let’s continue with the points.

2) Your bar is set too high

This is a big reason why craving affection can start to be a little bit unbalanced. When your standards are set too high, you’re setting yourself up for failure.

Here’s what I mean: When your bar is too high, it will be impossible for your needs to be met. You’ll always be left wanting.

And when that happens, how can you be fulfilled with the affection you do receive? Having realistic expectations will go a long way in understanding and managing your strong desire for affection.

And with standards set too high, you’ll be hard-pressed to find someone out there who will check all of your boxes. Not to say you have to settle, but if your standards are too high, it will be difficult finding the affection you crave.

Here’s a look at some other toxic relationship habits worth breaking immediately.

3) Long lonely nights

One of the hardest things for me to deal with when I’m craving affection are those long and lonely nights.

After the sun goes down, you’ve nothing to do, and you can’t sleep, it can get pretty tough.

My mind tends to go to some pretty dark places, and it can be difficult. In the darkest hours of the night, find me craving affection the most.

One thing you can do is find ways to distract yourself. It sounds cliché, but finding a new hobby, whether it’s cooking or painting or anything in between, will help the time pass.

It’s also important to practice mindfulness. Being okay with being alone is one of the most difficult things to master, but once you can find peace in solitude, you’ll be happier in your relationships because of it.

And remember, there will be a time soon when the affection you crave will come around again.

In the meantime, what can you do so that the loneliness that you feel?

There’s one very important connection you’ve probably been overlooking: 

The relationship you have with yourself. 

I learnt about this from the shaman Rudá Iandê. In his incredible video on cultivating healthy relationships, he gives you the tools to plant yourself at the center of your world.

And once you start doing that, there’s no telling how much happiness and fulfillment you can find within yourself and with your relationships. 

So what makes Rudá’s advice so life-changing? 

Well, he uses techniques derived from ancient shamanic teachings, but he puts his own modern-day twist on them. He may be a shaman, but he’s experienced the same problems in love as you and I have.

And using this combination, he’s identified the areas where most of us go wrong in our relationships.  

And it starts with learning how to love yourself first.

Click here to watch the free video.

4) You’re in the wrong crowd

If you are in the wrong crowd you might crave more and more attention.

One thing my father once told me a long time ago has really stuck with me.

He said: “You’d be surprised how much time and energy people will spend trying to fit in with friends who don’t really want them around.”

His point was not to be upset that your friends don’t want you around, but rather to honestly evaluate if you fit in.

If the people that you’re trying to spend a lot of time and energy with don’t value you exactly as you are, or don’t support you in a way that is healthy and immediately clear, it could be that you’re wasting your energy.

It could be that you’re craving affection because you’re just in the wrong crowd. A friend group should make you feel loved, accepted, and warm. It may not be romantic affection, but they should also show you affection.

In other words, it should be clear that they want you around.

Here are some great tips on how to make friends as an adult.

5) Idealized couples have a bad influence

The idealized lifestyles depicted on social media aren’t all they’re cracked up to be and can make you also crave similar attention.

When it comes to those ideal social media couples you might spend time scrolling past and wishing you had, the reality of their life may be drastically different.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned about influencers, it’s this: There couldn’t be a more fake kind of person in the world.

True, there are some influencers who use their platform for good. But most of them willfully and meticulously craft an image of their life that just isn’t true.

So if you’re idealizing the affection and intimacy you see in an influencer couple, remember that you don’t know the truth of things.

They could be seriously unhappy. They could completely lack affection. But for them, that doesn’t matter, as long as their ideal picture of a relationship pays the bills (and then some).

In that way, then, they’re really a bad influence on your cravings. You’re craving a type of affection that just isn’t real.

Here’s a fascinating look at the damaging effects of social media, as explained by a former Facebook executive.

6) Too many romance movies (or books)

If you are a hopeless romantic, you might crave more and more attention.

My mother is quite the hopeless romantic.

In fact, just by being raised by her, I absorbed most of her romantic notions. She read romance novels, watched romance movies, and I by assimilation gained the same ideals.

In other words, I’m a bit of a hopeless romantic myself. When I was a young adult, this became something I actually found to be a hindrance.

Why? Because life isn’t at all like the fairy tales. The ideal picture of that “forever love” and those fateful star-crossed lovers meeting and being together for all time — it’s all bullshit.

It was rough for me to adjust to this reality. The good news?

I’ve experienced deeper, more meaningful love and affection after shedding those unrealistic notions.

Movies and media spin a different story than the reality of things. Keeping this in mind will help keep your cravings for affection tempered, and allow you to live a more satisfied and enriching life overall.

7) Want advice specific to your situation?

While the reasons in this article will help you understand why you crave affection so much, it can be helpful to speak to a relationship coach about your situation.

With a professional relationship coach, you can get advice tailored to the issues you’re facing in your love life.

Relationship Hero is a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people navigate complex and difficult love situations, like what to do when you crave affection. They’re popular because their advice works.

So, why do I recommend them?

Well, after going through difficulties in my own love life, I reached out to them a few months ago. After feeling helpless for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship, including practical advice on how to overcome the issues I was facing.

I was blown away by how genuine, understanding, and professional they were.

In just a few minutes, you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice specific to your situation.

Click here to get started.

8) Waking up to an empty bed

If you live alone it’s common to crave attention from others.

Some of these points are here to help adjust potential flaws in your outlook, some of them are just an honest acknowledgment.

This point? An honest acknowledgment. Waking up in the morning to an empty bed can at times be one of the most difficult things.

Often, waking up alone will make you crave affection more than anything else. It’s okay to feel this way. Allow yourself to fully process the emotions, the craving, and accept that you’re feeling this way.

It’s important to not wallow, however, acknowledgment is important in growing, healing, and using our weaknesses as strengths.

9) Healing from a bad breakup

There’s rarely a time we crave affection more than while we’re healing from a breakup.

We’re just so used to the affection and kindness and physical contact from the person we spent the most time with, the one we loved the most.

And then—suddenly a huge vacuum. An empty space where they used to be.

It’s a really tough transition in the best of cases. It’s only natural to feel a huge craving for affection during this time.

In other words, it’s only natural to have a difficult time adjusting to the big change. Healing from a bad breakup could be a principal reason why you’re craving affection so much.

Here’s a closer look at the normal, but sometimes ugly, stages of a breakup.

10) Dealing with a big change

If you are experiencing a big change, it’s normal to crave attention.

Suddenly everything is different like the rug was pulled out from underneath you. As we get older, we realize how much everything around us is in a constant state of flux.

It can get under your skin, and leave you feeling lonely, in need of something, craving love, safety, a feeling of home.

When we face big changes in our life, it’s common to crave affection.

Having physical affection can ease our worries, lower stress, and give our brain the positive chemicals that help us deal with the difficulties of life.

11) The void of physical touch

Physical contact is a vital part of our health as human beings, and if we don’t get enough of it, we crave attention.

We’re social creatures, geared to have physical contact in all kinds of different ways.

A void of physical touch can bring on waves of cravings for it. We just want affection, we feel the keen gap in our lives where we haven’t had physical touch.

On a deeper level, a lack of physical touch in our childhood can lead to an overly active need for affection as adults. Because of that lack, we constantly crave affection, and the affection we do get isn’t enough.

It’s important to understand these things about ourselves so we can get the help and the healing we need to be happy and healthy.

Everyone deserves to feel loved.

Here are some early signs that you’ve found “the one.”

12) People are too busy for you

Sometimes we crave affection because we feel left out of the lives of our loved ones.

We may be at a point in our life where there’s just not that much keeping us busy. We’ve got a steady routine, but hardly a busy one.

Our friends, however, might be much busier than we are. If you find that your friends, even your significant other, are far busier than you, it can be difficult to deal with your desire for affection.

It could be the main reason you crave affection so much, actually.

13) You haven’t learned how to love yourself

Our cravings for affection often come from a disparity between what we wish life was like, and what it really is.

Which, if you think more deeply about that disparity, it most often arises from the fact that we aren’t being honest with ourselves.

I spent a winter in the mountains alone a few years back. It wasn’t something that I chose for myself, but my circumstances in a way forced it.

I don’t think I can express how difficult that was for me. I had never been that alone before, and I had to do a lot of honest evaluation of myself, who I was, and why I wasn’t okay with being alone.

I wasn’t good at loving myself (I’m still not the best, but I keep trying). It was this inability to love myself that made being alone so difficult.

I can say that I never craved affection more than I did through that winter. However, I will also say that it was the best thing that could have happened for me. I learned so much, and since then every relationship I’ve established has been more enriching, fulfilling, and profound.

Here’s a great article with some valuable steps to start loving yourself right away.

14) A need for validation

Often the need for affection is directly linked to a need for validation. This in itself isn’t a bad thing. We all need to feel validated for what we’re doing.

To put it another way: being seen feels nice.

Often this is the main reason you might be craving affection. You want to be seen. But remember, it starts with yourself.

Bending over backward and begging for validation will only upset others, and leave you feeling more isolated and lonely.

Here’s the bottom line: You are more than enough, you are entirely valid. When you are sure of this inside yourself, you’ll soon find affection in so many places.

Here’s a great look at a bunch of subconscious signs that someone is totally into you.

15) We all need affection

At the end of the day, you may be craving affection for the simple reason that you need it.

You’re not alone in needing it, either. In fact, we all need and crave affection. There doesn’t have to be any more complicated reason than the simple truth that every human needs affection.

So don’t guilt or shame yourself if you’re feeling a strong need for it. Be honest with yourself, though, make sure that you’re craving it for health reasons, and that your desires aren’t taking over your happiness or quality of life.

The question still remains, though: What can I do about it?

Feeling good in your own skin

If you are craving the attention of others, it can be a sign that you are stuck in a rut.

Break out of your habits. It’s important to shake things up when you’re feeling down and frustrated with the way things are. There are a few strategies you can try:

1. Learn something completely new, and challenge yourself.

In your experience doing so, you’ll learn something new, perhaps find a new passion, and likely meet someone who can fill that void of affection. At the very least, you’ll have put the cravings out of your mind for a while.

2. Talk to strangers.

Making new connections is so often easier said than done.

I’ve found great solace in meeting new people whenever I can. I focus on getting to know them and finding ways that I can express even simple affection or kindness for them.

You might be surprised how well it fills the void you feel.

3. Allow yourself to be vulnerable.

Affection and intimacy start with your ability to be vulnerable, the ability to open up to others. Whether it’s a romantic relationship or a friendship, a close bond can be forged once you allow yourself to be vulnerable.

When you’re vulnerable, you’re giving those close to you the ability to show you affection. In a way, then, it’s impossible to receive affection without first being vulnerable.

4. Learn to be okay with yourself (alone).

We talked pretty in-depth about this in a previous point, however, it’s something that I always have to keep working on. I make a concerted effort to show myself affection, even if I’m getting it in other places.

This is honestly one of the biggest keys to helping you deal with your cravings for affection. Show it to yourself first. When you show yourself affection, you’ll be happier, more fulfilled.

The ability to be okay with yourself is the building block for every healthy relationship.

And the easiest way to do this is by watching the powerful free video on Love and Intimacy. I mentioned this earlier on – it’s taken me on an incredible journey of self-love and discovery.

I no longer crave the affection of others because I finally know how to love and comfort myself. The love I receive from others is now just a bonus rather than a necessity.

Click here to watch the free video and empower yourself in self-love.

The more you can connect with and love yourself, ultimately the less you will crave from others around you.

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What Lack of Affection Can Do to You

Source: Hasloo Group Production Studio/Shutterstock

Recently I wrote about Juan Mann, the founder of the “Free Hugs” movement who felt so deprived of meaningful human contact that he offered to embrace strangers on the street. Perhaps you can identify with Mann. How often do you find yourself feeling lonely, craving more affection than you get? Maybe you wish your spouse or partner were a bit more demonstrative of his or her love. Maybe you’ve tried without success to get certain people in your life to be more affectionate with you, so you go on wishing for more affection than you receive. If any of this sounds familiar, then you’re experiencing a common problem known as skin hunger, and you’re far from alone. Consider:

• Three out of every four adults agree with the statement, “Americans suffer from skin hunger.”
• More Americans live alone than ever before.
• One in four Americans reports not having a single person to talk to about important issues.
• Loneliness among American adults has increased by 16 percent in the last decade.

These facts help us understand the nature of skin hunger, which is both an acknowledgment that we don’t get as much affection as we need, and of our drive to get more. We normally associate hunger with food, of course—but we don’t feel hunger simply because we want food. We feel hunger because we need food, just as we feel thirsty because we need water, and tired because we need sleep. Our bodies know what they require to function properly, and research suggests that affection belongs on that list, right behind food, water, and rest.

Just as lack of food, water, and rest have their detrimental effects, so too does the lack of affection. In a recent study of 509 adults, I examined the construct of skin hunger—and the social, relational, and health deficits with which it is associated. The results were consistent and striking. People with high levels of skin hunger are disadvantaged in multiple ways, compared to those with moderate or low levels.

Specifically, compared to people with less skin hunger, people who feel more affection-deprived: are less happy; more lonely; more likely to experience depression and stress; and, in general, in worse health. They have less social support and lower relationship satisfaction. They experience more mood and anxiety disorders, and more secondary immune disorders (those that are acquired rather than inherited genetically). They are more likely to have alexithymia, a condition that impairs their ability to express and interpret emotion. Finally, they are more likely to have a preoccupied or fearful-avoidant attachment style; they’re less likely to form secure attachments with others in their lives.

These findings don’t establish that skin hunger causes all of these negative conditions, only that people who feel highly affection-deprived are more likely than others to experience them. If you’re one of those people, though, these findings probably come as no surprise. Affectionate contact is so necessary for a healthy life that we suffer when we don’t get enough.

Fortunately, skin hunger doesn’t have to be a permanent condition. Each of us has the capacity to get more affection in our lives. In the meantime, put down your cell phone and share an affectionate moment with someone in person. For those with skin hunger, human contact—not the technologically mediated variety—is the cure for what ails.

Feeling of love: why do we all need deep affection?

Olesya Akhmedzhanova

It is not easy to talk about love without platitudes. So it’s time to connect science. Catch a few facts from the book “Feeling of Love” – ​​about how important an emotional connection is and why we are nowhere without it.

The basic and most important human instinct is not sex, but the need for safe intimacy and strong relationships

Feeling of love

Source

The need to love is inherent in us by nature. Yes, this is the code of survival for our species: we need those who will support and protect us all our lives. Sexual attraction may motivate us to reproduce, but it is love that ensures our existence.

This desire for unity is an instinct. Most likely, it arose as an evolutionary response to a critical vulnerability of human physiology: the birth canal of a woman is too narrow to allow the birth of children adapted for independent survival immediately after birth. Babies come into this world tiny and defenseless and require many years of care and guardianship. It would seem easier to abandon these burdensome newborns than to mess around with them so much.

What makes us stay close and take on the difficult and tedious task of raising offspring?

Nature has found a solution: it has sewn into the brain and nervous system an automated “call-response” mechanism that connects the child and the parent on an emotional level. Babies are born with an endearing repertoire—eye batting, smiling, crying, fingering, stretching—that makes adults want to be around and take care of them. So, when the baby starts screaming from hunger and reaching out to the mother, she takes him in her arms and gives him a breast. Or, when a father starts cooing over his daughter, she kicks her legs, waves her arms and mutters something to him in response. This strengthens the two-way feedback between people.

Romantic love between adults is the same kind of affection that forms between a mother and a child

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We have long believed that an adult person ceases to need the closeness, care and support that we had in childhood. Many people still believe that adult romantic relationships are, in essence, sexual attraction. And this is a fundamentally wrong understanding of love.

Our need to have a close and dear person does not disappear anywhere with age. On the contrary, it remains the main one.

As we grow older, we transfer this need from our parents to our lovers. True, the need of adults for the tangible presence of loved ones is not as absolute as in childhood: our loved ones do not have to physically ensure our safety. We just need to think about our partners to feel a connection with them.

For example, when upset, we can remember that we are loved and imagine how we are comforted and reassured. Israeli prisoners of war said they “heard” the soothing voices of their wives in their narrow cells. The Dalai Lama conjures up an image of his mother when he meditates. And someone drives the husband’s encouraging words away in his head when he goes on stage with a speech or report.

Passionate sex is not a guarantee of a reliable relationship. But reliable attachment is the key to passionate sex

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Since we practically equated physical intimacy with romantic love, we spend a huge amount of energy and money to make our sex life sharper and brighter. But everything is arranged exactly the other way around: good sex does not provide satisfying, strong relationships.

But strong love ensures good and even very good sex.

Strong relationships and emotional intimacy are inherent needs in us; and it is they who help to make love “eternal”. Trust helps us overcome difficulties in any relationship. Our own bodies are capable of producing a whole array of chemical elements that bind us strongly to our loved ones. Monogamy is not only possible – it is natural and normal for a person.

Emotional dependence is not a symptom of mental immaturity or pathology; she is our greatest strength

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We call the ability to separate ourselves from our parents and first lovers a sign of emotional strength. We are even embarrassed for this natural need for love, support and comfort. We seem to be weak and vulnerable.

But a strong emotional connection is not at all a sign of weakness – it is a sign of mental health. But emotional isolation can kill us.

Already the first studies in this area have shown that from 31 to 75% of children deprived of parental care, getting into state institutions, do not live up to three years. And life expectancy, as a rule, is lower among single people and higher among families. “A good relationship,” says University of Utah psychologist Bert Uchino, “is the best recipe for good health and the strongest antidote for aging.” He refers to a 20-year study involving thousands of patients, which proved a direct link between the level of security and acceptance in society and mortality – both general and from specific diseases, for example, heart attacks.

Selfishness is not normal for a person; empathy is a natural process of our body

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You can deny or ignore this part of your nature as much as you like, but caring for others is our natural need. We are not born callous and ambitious, ready to get what we want at any cost. Prosperity of mankind was ensured by mutual care and joint work. Our brain can read emotions from the faces of others and resonate in accordance with what we read.

It is emotional responsiveness and interoperability, and not just our brains, that have allowed us to become the dominant species on the planet.

The bonds of love belong to us by birth and are a colossal resource. They are the main source of our strength and joy. The ability to receive and give support is so important for people that, according to social psychologists Mario Mikulinser and Phil Shaver, we should not be called Homo sapiens – “a reasonable person”, but Homo auxiliator vel accipio auxilium – “a person who helps or receives help.” Or you can concretize to Homo vinculum – “a person who becomes attached.”

Based on the book “Feeling of Love”

Cover from here

Counterdependence in relationships: what it is and how to get rid of it

detached, do not share experiences and emotions . The thought of talking about needs, desires, sharing life with others causes them fear and deep pain. What is the reason for counter-dependent behavior and how to behave in a relationship with such a person, says Gestalt therapist Valentin Oskin.

In contrast to co-dependency – a painful attachment to another person, counter-dependence is the rejection of attachments and the lack of need for other people. Otherwise, it is called addiction avoidance. Counterdependence concerns not only specific people, but the widest possible social circle – family, friends, colleagues and just acquaintances.

Counterdependents avoid all intimate – in the broad sense of the word – contact with other people, which usually leads to emotional closeness and isolation. In the psychological literature, a counter-dependent person is described as active, acting brightly, strongly, often outwardly demonstrating high social success. Often counter-dependent people are characterized by a sense of superiority, a stable idea of ​​themselves as the best, and this is expressed in disparaging criticism of others, exaggerating their own abilities and belittling others.

A counterdependent person tries with all his actions, thoughts and feelings to prove that he does not need other people, their society, help, love, and often he will be very successful in this. However, in reality, such manifestations are part of avoidance behavior, the essence of which is to avoid the pain and fear of closeness with other people by all means.

Counterdependent people panicky distrust others, because they are painfully afraid of the consequences: they refuse to ask for help, even when the situation suggests it, they strive to be completely independent. They act on the principle of avoidance, in conflicts they do not clarify the opinions or needs of the people around them, even if it is necessary. It is difficult for them to relax, because everything requires their attention and control, and to trust, delegate, ask is like death. At the same time, inside they feel a strong need for close relationships and at the same time strong fear.

Counterdependent people are often exaggeratedly demanding of themselves, such exactingness is usually expressed in exhausting themselves with work, constant pursuit of an unattainable ideal, and strong self-flagellation. This leads to an extremely pronounced feeling of loneliness and depression. They crave intimacy, but feel shame or guilt for needing it.

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Causes of counter-dependence

Counter-dependence begins in childhood — at the age of six months to three years, when the child learns to build relationships with parents, absorbs primary (and most basic) knowledge about himself, the world and people. And if in the perception of the child the parents are distant or rejecting, and the environment and other people are cold and dangerous, then in order to survive, the child often forms a strategy of detachment and independence. This is called developmental trauma.

There are two types of such trauma: separation trauma and attachment trauma. The first 9-11 months of a child’s life is the stage of attachment formation – he forms a bond with his mother. When attachment is formed, by the age of 3, it is important for children to gain their first independence and separate from their mother. If trauma occurs at any of these stages—for example, the mother suddenly disappears from the child’s life in the first year or later interferes with the development of his independence (for example, by excessively demonstrating anxiety), then this can lead to the development of counterdependence as a strategy for behavior and survival in conditions fear of close relationships. This strategy is carried over into adulthood.

There are other circumstances: emotional or physical abuse, but much more often – neglect, when a person at an early age or in a significant close relationship was simply not seen, heard, not noticed and appreciated. Perhaps you had to meet the needs of parents who were too tired, too busy to understand that the child also had needs. Or you had to show yourself to be the perfect child, demonstrating brilliant achievements, in order to get any parental attention at all.

The counter-addict believes that asking for help is a weakness. He regularly encountered the fact that any request for satisfaction of his own needs was met with ridicule or refusal. Or, even worse, he met ignorance as the only reaction. Such a child grows up fearful of close relationships. The thought of talking to someone about your needs, desires, sharing life, causes fear of being abandoned or rejected, and at the same time pain from the inability to share your life with loved ones. Therefore, counterdependent people maintain the appearance that everything is fine with them, feeling lost and alone.

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How counterdependence differs from codependence

Counter- and codependency are two extremes of the same spectrum of developmental trauma. Codependency is a condition characterized by deep preoccupation with and intense emotional, social, or even physical dependence on or relationship with another person. A codependent person is painfully “sticky”, makes extreme sacrifices to satisfy the needs of his partner. The mood and emotions of codependents are often determined by how they think they are perceived. Psychologists Berry and Janey Weinhold, in Flight from Intimacy, illustrate the differences between the poles of co- and counter-dependency as follows:

• Codependent person: clings to others, shows weakness and vulnerability in relationships, preoccupied with partner’s feelings, others oriented, easily influenced, suffers from low self-esteem, apathetic, constantly blames himself, longs for intimacy, very quickly creates relationships , restrained and modest.

• Counterdependent person: repels others, demonstrates strength and impregnability, does not pay attention to the experience of a partner, ignores others, is hypertrophied by social life or making money, success, independent, has high self-esteem, tries to be good, demonstrates success, is active, blames others, avoids intimacy and trust, pompous, sacrifices others, controls others.

It is important to note that counterdependence, like codependency, is not included in the ICD and DSM mental health diagnostic manuals and therefore is not a diagnosable mental health condition. Without a clinical definition, the term is easily applicable to many behaviors, leading to abuse by some self-help book authors and support communities. For example, psychologist Kristi Pikevich has suggested that the term “codependency” is overused by the general population, and defining a person as codependent may lower their self-esteem, shame them, rather than help them focus on how their traumas are shaping their current relationship.

It can be said that counter-dependency, like co-dependence, are special psychological terms used in the psychological literature and the community, describing a set of mental and behavioral phenomena that together form specific behavioral and emotional patterns that arise in some people in relationships with others. Depending on the specific set of phenomena, these schemes will be called counter- or codependency.

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How does a counter-dependent person differ from a self-sufficient one

Healthy autonomy is a state of firm self-confidence in which a person:

• Recognizes his interdependence with others.
• Possesses the feeling and understanding that he himself can dispose of and manage life in the way he needs. In other words, he is aware of himself as a subject, not an object.
• Not controlled or influenced by others.
• The motive of autonomy is the desire to be independent, the recognition of one’s full potential as a person, and not the fear of intimacy and the fear of rejection.
• Healthy, self-sufficient people can regularly establish effective, meaningful, close, long-term relationships with others. That is, they can share, be vulnerable.

At first glance, counterdependence may look like healthy autonomy, since both involve the ability to separate from others. Counterdependence is driven by a pattern of avoidance of intimacy, fear, pain, distrust, while healthy self-sufficiency is necessary for a person for self-improvement, self-knowledge, self-disclosure and building relationships with people and the world through this.

Signs of counter-dependency

Since counter-dependence as a part of character develops in childhood, usually at the same age when socialization, including gender, occurs, men and women with such a characterology are likely to demonstrate stereotypical ideas about independent men or women. Most likely, they flaunt alienation, coldness, loneliness, independence. At the same time, in their behavior they can demonstrate disdain for others, varying degrees of cruelty, and low empathy.

There are signs of counter-dependence that are common to all people regardless of sex and gender:

• You believe that if you get too close to someone, he/she will impose their thoughts and feelings on you, and then you will lose yourself.
• You are fiercely independent, refusing to ask or accept help from anyone, even when needed.
• For you, the need for intimacy is weakness and vulnerability. The thought that you, too, may need deep and intimate relationships makes you repulsed, fearful, and irritated.
• You are afraid to get close to someone, otherwise they will find out about your secret desires and fears, after which they will reject you.
• Your independence, independence are like impenetrable. On the one hand, it protects you from pain, but it also prevents you from receiving love.
• You devote an enormous amount of time and energy to your activities and achievements, work hard and do everything possible to let the world know about your achievements. Anything to not feel emotions.
• You are constantly afraid of making a mistake and being ashamed of it.
• You can get frustrated easily, lack patience, and tend to lose your temper, get angry or cry when things don’t go as you expected.

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How counterdependence manifests itself in personal relationships and in the family

Entering into a relationship with a counterdependent person, it is important to understand the motives for this choice. For a long time there is a risk of facing coldness and inaccessibility. The counter-addict’s seemingly independent behavior can act as a powerful lure. When codependent and counterdependent form a couple, their relationship looks like one is running away and the other is catching up. Such relationships hurt both and are very exhausting.

Sometimes, after the formation of a couple, the codependent and the counterdependent change roles: the counterdependent, gaining access to such desired intimacy, begins to become pathologically involved in this relationship, losing himself, while the codependent gets the opportunity to finally find himself at the expense of a partner. Then the one who was counter-dependent begins to gradually change – all his independence gradually turns into dependence on his partner, which manifests itself in increasing control, jealousy, constant tests arising from fear of rejection.

The fear of rejection also manifests itself in a very sharp negative reaction to any criticism. This is precisely because criticism for the counter-addict equates to rejection. The phrase “What you do, I don’t like” is perceived by the counter-addict as “I don’t like you.” The reaction – fear and anger – will not be long in coming.

How to behave in a relationship with a counter-dependent person

A partner should constantly take into account all the knowledge about counter-dependence, prepare to be endlessly accepting, supportive and caring, patient and non-critical. In addition, you need to be mentally prepared that there will be no quick changes or no changes at all.

Counterdependence is the result of a developmental trauma that occurred at the stage of attachment or separation. And if you managed to create the relationship described above for your partner, it is logical to assume that separation will one day happen from you. What form it will take – the end of a relationship, a change in format, just the separation of two adults – is impossible to predict.

Therefore, before starting a relationship, it is important to ask questions: Do I need this? Do I want a relationship with this person or do I want to change him? Do I really want to change this person? What do I want to get out of it?

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How to get rid of counter-dependence

Counter-dependence therapy is building such a relationship between the therapist and the client, where the therapist plays the role of a healthy adult who will be sensible to the client, his emotional needs, react differently to the appearance of the client, give feedback. This involves building trust, self-disclosure, and overcoming resistance: by keeping the therapist at arm’s length and avoiding emotional references, counterdependents may try to control the therapist in order to maintain a sense of independence.