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Orgasms for her: 3 Secrets to Achieving a Female Orgasm


3 Secrets to Achieving a Female Orgasm

The key is to emphasize the “play” in foreplay. It’s shouldn’t be rushed or treated like an obligatory task. In fact, foreplay can begin hours before sex actually occurs, and every minute of it will prepare her for an orgasm. Here are some tips for getting both of you in the mood.

  • Stimulate her mentally. For some women, mental arousal is just as important as physical arousal. A sexy note or a flirtatious call during the day can get her thinking about your upcoming liaison. Candles, fresh flowers, and mood music can also create a loving and sensuous atmosphere. For many women, closeness and emotional intimacy can lead to better sexual experiences and more orgasms.
  • Use a tender touch. Caressing her gently can create sexual tension before you go any further. Hug her, hold her hand, or touch her thigh. Female orgasm is more likely to happen if, when you’re kissing a woman, you let your hands roam to more erotic regions of her body. (Another hint: Yes, the breasts are an erogenous zone, but they’re not the only one! Try stroking her back or her thighs, or sliding your fingers into her hair.)
  • Take kissing to the next level. Kissing is essential to foreplay. Discovering new places to kiss that turn her on is both fun and rewarding. Try the back of her neck or her shoulders for starters.
  • Don’t forget to talk. Women tend to be more verbal, and hearing how good she’s making you feel can help her open up and have fun.

2. Know Her Sweet Spots

There are two places on the body that are critical to female orgasm. Here’s how to stimulate them so she can achieve orgasm.

  • The clitoris This tiny organ contains a high concentration of nerve endings and can be found near the top of the vulva. The clitoris is covered by a little bit of skin called the “clitoral hood,” which keeps it from being stimulated all the time, so you may have to coax the clitoris out by touching or licking it. Once she’s aroused, the hood will draw back and the clitoris will become erect.
  • The G-spot This other orgasmic area is located inside the vagina. It’s a bundle of nerve endings about two inches up from the pubic bone on the inner, upper wall of the vagina. To find the G-spot, gently slide your finger inside her vagina with your palm facing up, then curl your finger up. Be warned — some women love having their G-spot directly stimulated, while others prefer less pressure on this sensitive area. Explore different techniques and ask your partner which she likes best.

3. Try Female-Friendly Sexual Positions

Given what you’ve just learned, you can pretty much guess that the best sexual positions for female orgasm involve those that provide maximum stimulation to the clitoris or G-spot (or both!). These positions include:

  • Woman on top This position provides some of the best stimulation of the G-spot, given the angle of the penis. She also can move her body in a way that stimulates her clitoris.
  • Rear entry This position isn’t so great for clitoral stimulation, but provides excellent penetration and stimulation of the G-spot. Either of you can reach under during sex to rub the clitoris.
  • Sitting Having your partner sit on your lap allows for both deep penetration and good clitoral stimulation. It also provides plenty of intimacy.

Notice that the missionary position isn’t on this list? It’s difficult for a man to stimulate the clitoris when he’s on top, unless he really grinds his pelvis into his partner. The angle of penetration is also all wrong for G-spot stimulation.

Still having trouble? Don’t be afraid to ask your partner for feedback, to make sure she likes what you’re doing. Women may want to consider working with a sex therapist, or getting a medical checkup to see if any diseases or medications are affecting their ability to reach orgasm. Achieving the female orgasm may require some trial and error, but don’t forget to have fun while you’re trying. Your sex life will thank you.

Give Her an Orgasm in 15 Minutes

Let’s face it — women talk. But gaining yourself a sexual reputation for the ages doesn’t have to involve six hours of Tantric foreplay. With our help (and hers, of course) you can get your girl to orgasm in a mere 15 minutes. Seriously.

Sure, mastering the art of the 15-minute orgasm isn’t easy, it will turn the pre-work fumble or half-time quickie into an explosion that she’s still feeling two hours later. Don’t believe that it can be done? Well, research published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that the average time it takes women to orgasm was 13.41 minutes, so any longer and you really aren’t doing it right.

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But why rush? Just because you can get your girl to orgasm in less time than a Netflix hit, doesn’t necessarily mean you should, right?

Wrong. Another study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, which asked sex therapists how long sex should last, found that while sex that lasted between ten and 30 minutes was ‘too long’, the ideal sexual duration was between 7 to 13 minutes, so by our reckoning that still leaves you with 2 minutes to come once your lady has been pleasured.

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Oh!-minus 15 Minutes: Your Orgasm Guide

Mouth to Mouth

The first three minutes of your 15 should be spent kissing your partner. Studies by Lafayette College in the US found that kissing reduces levels of the stress hormone cortisol, quickening the time it takes to turn you both on. As you pay lip service, tilt your head to the right – scientists in Germany found this makes you seem more caring, flooding her system with the ‘connection’ chemical oxytocin, building trust and encouraging her to come quickly.

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Make sure you’re not just kissing her mouth, though. William Cane, author of The Art of Kissing, surveyed 50,000 women and 96 per cent picked a peck on the neck as the perfect warm up. But don’t overdo it, Cane says. “Slide off the lips to her neck occasionally so that her neck doesn’t become desensitised.”

Now you need to get co-ordinated. Each time you kiss her neck, remove an item of her clothes. Getting her clothes off is important for obvious reasons, but it will also let you resolve any body-confidence issues early. A study by the University of Cincinnati revealed that if your girl feels good when she’s naked, she’ll come sooner. “Compliment your partner on each part of her body as you undress it,” says psychotherapist Christine Webber. “Your approval will dramatically reduce her self consciousness.” And in just 180 seconds, you’ll have an animal on your hands.

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Oh!-minus 12 Minutes


She’s almost naked now but keep her underwear on for another minute or so. “Stroke and caress her through the fabric rather than going for gold,” says sex therapist Paula Hall. “Focus on building anticipation rather than going straight for direct stimulation.” Feeling that time is short prevents a woman from reaching orgasm, adds Webber. Act like you’ve got forever, but then peel off her underwear and use Durex’s new strawberry-scented Intimate Lube. This will get her excited, and make her more sensitive.

Research at the US Association for Chemical Reception Sciences found the scent of strawberries alerts the senses. Move your fingers in slow, circular motions just inside her vagina. “Many women need attention focused on the outer third of the vaginal canal, where the G-spot, the clitoris, and the PS-spot (opposite the G-spot) can be reached,” says Emma Taylor of the sex blog emandlo.com.

Oh!-minus 10 Minutes

Flex Your Other Love Muscle

According to sexologists at the Masters & Johnson Institute, cunnilingus is the most reliable route to orgasm for 80 per cent of women. Lou Paget, author of The Big O (Piatkus), recommends the Kivin Method as the fastest way of getting there. “With one hand, pull up her clitoral hood,” he says. “Then lick from side to side across its base, just above her clitoris.” Place one finger of the other hand on her perineum (the area directly below the opening of her vagina). When you can feel her pre-orgasmic contractions, you’ll know you’re in the right place.

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Oh!-minus 7 Minutes

Entrance Exam

Orgasms are not all about foreplay. A recent study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that the consistency of orgasms is more about the length of intercourse than the length of foreplay. And another study in the same journal clocked her average climax seven minutes after penetration. That makes now the ideal time to start the final leg of her leg trembler.

Simultaneous G-spot and clitoral stimulation is far and away the fastest route to orgasm

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But what position? “Avoid deep, thrusting, and instead try the Coital Alignment Technique,” says Taylor. To do it, start in the classic missionary then pull back so the base of your penis rests on her clitoris. Brace your feet against the foot of the bed and rock backwards and forwards rather than thrusting. Your penis gently massages her clitoris, which is great for her but also gives you slow, pulsating sensations that you control.

An alternative technique is sensory overload. “Simultaneous G-spot and clitoral stimulation is far and away the fastest route to orgasm,” says Hall. Having her from behind is the best position for this because while you work the former, you can call up sex toy reinforcements to take care of the latter.

Oh!-minus 1 Minute

Keep up the Good Work

By now, your girl should be clawing at the sheets, but don’t be mistaken in thinking you need one final trick to clinch the result. “Women hate too much chopping and changing of techniques,” says Dr Joni Frater, co-author of Love Her Right (Booksurge). “It distracts us, and takes our arousal back to the starting blocks.” You don’t really want to start over just before you reach the finish, do you?

“When you start doing something that causes a positive response, keep doing it, at exactly the same speed and pressure.” Save your new technique for next time. Since you’ve just orchestrated a 15-minute orgasm with shuttle-launch precision, that’s something she’ll be demanding very soon.

So grab a breather and prepare for take-off… again.

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How to Give a Woman an Orgasm

“Did you finish?” Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but if you have to ask a woman if she had an orgasm, odds are she did not.

This is especially true if, like the average man, you took between 5 and 7 seven minutes to finish. According to 2019 research published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, it takes the average woman around double that time—13.41 minutes—to orgasm during P-in-V intercourse. It’s also worth pointing out that the vast majority of women can’t cum from penetration alone; they need external clitoral stimulation, too.

All of this contributes to what’s commonly known as the “orgasm gap”: the proven fact that men orgasm during sex significantly more often than women do. A 2014 study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that straight women orgasm 63% of the time with a common partner (i.e., husband or boyfriend), whereas men orgasm 85% of the time with a common partner. Other studies have found an even bigger gap. A 2017 study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found that straight women orgasm 65% of the time, while straight men orgasm 95% of the time. Women orgasm even less—roughly 40% of the time—when they have a casual hookup with a one-night stand, according to a 2012 study published in Archives of Sexual Behavior.

Now that you know this, you’re probably wondering: how can I make sure a woman orgasms during sex? Maybe it’s time to step up your game. After all, you can’t keep doing the same exact moves and expect different results.

So what can you do to help her reach that peak? Help her relax, says sex therapist Ian Kerner, Ph.D. “Studies show that in order for a woman to achieve orgasm, the part of her brain associated with stress, emotion, and anxiety has to shut down,” he says. Translation: if you make a woman feel so good that she completely forgets about everything else, then you’re more likely to give her an orgasm. Contrary to your instincts, that might mean not telling her how badly you want her to cum—that kind of pressure can make her even less likely to get there.

Of course, every woman is different, so what one woman loves in bed another woman might loathe. That said, there are a few moves that do tend to work—so if your partner is having trouble getting to the finish line, try these tips from real women and sexual health experts.

1) Don’t race toward her orgasm.

“Try to remember the goal of sex is pleasure, and orgasm is one kind of pleasure that is significantly shorter than all the rest of it,” says Shadeen Francis, LMFT. “If, during sex, you can create a space focused on feeling as good as possible, it may make her more likely to orgasm.”

That’s why Francis recommends slowing down. Take your time with your movements, and don’t focus on the end game. There is a slight irony to it—the more your partner thinks about orgasming, the less likely she will be to orgasm. So switch the focus on just making her feel as good as possible, for as long as possible.

2) Get to know the clitoris.

First things first: the vast majority of women require clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm, period. In fact, a study of more than 1,000 women in 2017 revealed that only 18 percent of ladies can orgasm through vaginal intercourse alone. So when you’re having sex, you want to spend as much time stimulating her clitoris as possible.

Some sex positions make it easier to do this than others. Rachel* reveals this trick: “When a guy is on top of you in the missionary position, have him shift his body slightly forward so that, every time he thrusts, his penis rubs against your clitoris.” This tactic is even more orgasmic if the woman’s legs are together and the man’s are straddling her, says Ellen Friedrichs, M.A., an adjunct professor of human sexuality at Rutgers University. You can achieve the same effect when she’s on top by propping yourself up on your elbows, which places your abdomen in closer contact with her clitoris.

3) Pay more attention to her butt.

Unless anal is on the menu, too often a woman’s butt is sidelined during sex. And that’s a shame, because “the buttocks are packed with nerve endings,” says Gilda Carle, Ph.D., a sex therapist in New York City. “To give her a surprising jolt of pleasure, spread your fingers wide and squeeze both buttocks.”

That said, be gentle, and take it one step at a time. Yes, of course, there are women out there who crave a good spanking, but until you’ve had a conversation about this sort of thing, just keep it simple and light.

4) Learn what she likes, and follow her lead.

As we mentioned above, direct clitoral stimulation is the most surefire way to bring many women to orgasm—and oral sex is a pretty good way of going about that. “Going down on a woman allows you to get a real sense of the stimulation she likes at every stage of arousal, especially the final one,” says Kerner.

To find out more about what she likes and doesn’t like, let her take the lead. When you’re giving her oral sex, get between her legs and give her a solid base of lips, tongue, and even chin to rub against. At first, use your hands to guide her hips to let her know you want her to do the grinding. When she takes over, note how hard she’s pushing and in what direction. Use that information later when using your fingers or mouth to please her.

5) Don’t stop kissing her.

Once things get more heated, you might be tempted to focus less on kissing in favor of more X-rated pleasures. But deep kissing is a must for female orgasm, according to a 2017 survey of more than 50,000 adults. The findings revealed that women were much more likely to reach orgasm if their sexual encounter included a combination of deep kissing, oral sex and genital stimulation.

Ask her if she has any fantasies that she’d like to explore. “Fantasies can increase arousal during a sexual experience,” says Francis. “Finding a fantasy that really turns your partner on can add another layer of pleasure during sex that can help take her over the edge.” It’s also a way to get her more psychologically aroused, which is just as important (if not more important) than physical arousal.

7) Don’t be afraid to talk dirty.

In the heat of the moment, a string of well-chosen four-letter words can work wonders. Test the waters by “complimenting her or talking about how good what [she’s] doing feels,” advises Friedrichs. If she responds with “Oh, yeah” or a similarly enthusiastic phrase, she wants more.

If you’re hesitant, a simple compliment about how attractive you find your partner will do the trick. “You don’t have to tell or make pornographic sounds, but saying something specific about me is sexy while we’re in bed is perfect,” says Emily.

FYI, here are some more tips on dirty talk:

8) Lube up.

No matter how hot and heavy you guys are getting, without adequate lubrication, it’s easy for sex to become uncomfortable or even painful for her. “Lubrication increases the comfort and speed with which you can penetrate the vagina and grind against the clitoris,” says Friedrichs. “But sometimes, no matter how turned on a woman might be psychologically, she can have trouble getting wet.”

In fact, studies have shown that sex is more enjoyable for women when they use even moderate amounts of lube. And here’s another fun fact: Men who add extra lubrication to their condoms during intercourse tend to last longer in bed, according to research published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine. Try squirting a few drops of lube onto the end of your penis; then thrust with short, rhythmic strokes while pressing your body against her pubic mound.

9) Focus on her neck.

Our necks are highly responsive touch pads: the skin is thin there, and the blood vessels are close to the surface. So it’s not surprising that researchers have found that the neck is one of the best places to stimulate a woman using light touch (so no hickeys, please).

When you’re having sex and she’s clearly moving toward orgasm, brush your lips from her collarbone to her jaw, then give her neck soft, warm kisses to drive her wild.

10) Break out the toys.

If your partner never hits her high note, no matter now hard you try, it might be time to enlist the help of sex toys. In fact, she’ll probably be more than happy to pull out the Hitachi Magic Wand from her bedside drawer: more than 50 percent of women use vibrators to help them achieve orgasm, according to a 2009 study.

Hold the vibrator against her clitoris as you move from one position to another and enjoy the show. Just remember to ask her preferences about pressure and speed: you don’t want to start too fast and heavy right off the bat.

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11) Ask her what she wants.

This might sound obvious, but asking your partner exactly what makes her hot is the best way to help her orgasm. In fact, studies have shown that people who are more comfortable talking about sex have better sex, because they feel less anxious during intercourse. Discussing her fantasies, preferences, and turn-offs (without judgement) will make her feel more comfortable—which will, in turn, lead to both of you having incredible orgasms.

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How to give a woman an orgasm – 9 tips to make a girl come

If your partner struggles to come during sex, it can be frustrating (for both of you). Self-esteem, anxiety, exhaustion and stress are just some of the lifestyle factors that can impact a woman’s ability to orgasm.

While it’s perfectly normal to not reach orgasm every single time you have sex, if your partner fails to come at all, it can start to take its toll on your relationship.

But before you despair you’re doing something desperately wrong and your sexual prowess is entirely to blame, lots of women struggle to come, and your partner is not alone. A study of more than 52,000 adults found that 95 per cent of heterosexual men almost always climaxed during sex – compared to just 65 per cent of women.

Which begs the question: why are the men hogging all the orgasms and, more importantly, how can you help the woman in your life up her come-quota and join you in the pleasure circle? Psychosexual and relationship therapist Sarah Berry offers her expert tips on how, why and what to do to help the woman in your life come:

Why some women struggle with orgasm

I often hear male clients lamenting that they are bad in bed because their female partners can’t come. While there may be other relationship or sexual issues at work, a lack of orgasm does not reflect on your sexual ability, nor is it your sole responsibility.

Most women at one time or another have found it difficult to climax.

While some women orgasm easier than others, most women at one time or another have found it difficult to climax. Some can only climax alone and some have never had the pleasure. There are many reasons for this. It could be down to any one of the following reasons, or many more profound or mundane interferences:

  • Interpersonal problems
  • Past trauma
  • Body issues
  • Medication
  • Physical conditions
  • Miscommunication
  • Lack of arousal
  • Stress
  • Needing the loo
  • Tiredness
  • Preoccupation with something

    What I would recommend is that you work with your partner to create a space where both of you feel happy and connected and where arousal can ebb and flow. If their arousal is working up to an orgasm, you can help nurture these feelings.


    If you are with a woman who orgasms infrequently or not at all, I would ask them how they feel about it. Maybe she is frustrated, maybe she is fine with it and maybe she does actually orgasm, but it’s a less theatrical affair – not everyone does a full on When Harry Met Sally –style performance. Start by asking her how she feels and you might be surprised to learn it’s nothing to do with you at all.

    Are you the problem?

    If she does blame your technique for her lack of orgasm, ask her to tell you, or even better, show you, how she likes to be stimulated. You could have a mutual masturbation session where you touch yourselves in front of each other. While this is can feel very intimate and exposing, it can also reduce pressure and performance anxiety for both of you.

    It’s worth noting that if your partner is tense, maybe they’re anxious or angry, then your touch is likely to tickle and not hit the spot, so let her lead the way.

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    How to help her come: 9 expert tips

    Bearing in mind what works for one person may be uncomfortable for another, here’s some ideas for helping your female partner achieve an orgasm which you might like to try together:


    Stimulate her orally

    It seems the done thing, in far too many heterosexual couplings, that when the man has come then sex is over, regardless of whether the female partner is done or not. Ignoring whether your partner has also finished is selfish. If she would like it, you could do some hand or mouth stimulation. If you are too spent, you hold her while she masturbates.

    2. Don’t forget foreplay

    Yes quickies can happen. If you are both aroused and your genitals are primed for action then that’s great. But if not, foreplay helps all genitals – including penises that, contrary to popular belief aren’t always ready to go as soon as sex is hinted at – to be ready for sex. Without enough of it, sex can be painful, intrusive or simply just boring. Foreplay can include anything from saucy texts, to hand jobs, to oral, to spanking and anything else that feels playful, sensual or sexual.

    3. Experiment with sex toys

    Some people find sex toys, particularly vibrators, can help them achieve the big O. Others don’t like them; it could be they don’t like how they feel or they don’t like them on principal. There are many, many different sizes , shapes, colours, materials and types of stimulation available, so if you are thinking of getting one, I strongly recommend consulting with your partner.

    4. Go down on her

    Many women say that receiving cunnilingus is the most surefire way to get them coming. If you do both want to do this, but you’re not sure what to do, experiment until she starts making appreciative noises or writhing around. Some women prefer a tongue lapping consistently at the clitoris while others like the whole vulva to be slathered over, like you would an ice cream on a really hot day.

    5. Alternate tongue and finger stimulation

    I’ve found that there are three main reasons why some women find receiving oral sex a bit uncomfortable:

    • The first is that it can feel disconnecting: you’re down there being busy, while they’re up there not feeling in the moment and worrying about you, work, or that stain on the ceiling.

    • The second is the fear that it is taking too long; indeed vaginas do generally take longer to get excited than penises.

    • And thirdly, many women fear that their vulvas and vaginas don’t look good or smell.

      So what should you do? If you are going down on her, being more animated can help. This can include appreciative noises or comments, eye contact, cupping her bum and stroking her body. If you’re tired, try alternating tongue and finger stimulation.

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      6. Establish an intimate bond

      During your intimate time, you might feel awkward, nervous, detached, or any other feelings that could interrupt a pleasurable union. If this happens, I suggest that, rather than powering through, you stop for a moment. Tell them how you feel and give them a compliment, a hug, or something that can help the two of you can find some common ground and establish a bond. It means she may also feel she can do the same when she feels interrupted. Being on the same page during sex is sexy.

      7. Take snogging breaks

      If someone feels close to coming but then their clitoris becomes painful or numb, then you could suggest that the two of you take a break. Maybe have a chat, a cuppa or a glass of wine, or a bit of a snog. If you both want to continue, you may be surprised to find that the clitoris is still pretty enlarged and doesn’t need much stimulation to get going again.

      8. Just keep going!

      heIf s says to keep going in increasingly excited tones, then keep going. As you were. Don’t go faster. Don’t go slower. Don’t throw in some amazing trick. Unless you are in pain or discomfort JUST… KEEP… GOING!

      9. Talk it through

      Issues with sex can be a symptom that other things are wrong with your relationship. In this case, it could be that one or both of you is having doubts about your relationship or is harbouring resentment about something. Or they may see you as a good friend but just can’t get themselves to fancy you. Sometimes discussing these issues can be painful but getting through them could lead both to find happier places, either together or apart. Couples therapy can help negotiate this.

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      Sex and relationship resources

      For further advice about helping your partner reach orgasm or any other relationship or sexual concerns you might have, try one of the following resources:

      • College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists: find therapists that are able to work with any relationship or sexual issues on this directory.
      • Association for the Treatment of Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity: if you feel you are affected by sexual compulsivity, try the ATSAC.
      • The Asexual Visibility and Education Network: the world’s largest online asexual community.
      • sh-womenstore.com: the Sh! Erotic Emporium has a wide array of sex aids and advice on how to use them.
      • nhs.uk: to check for any medical issues or be referred to a therapist, visit you local GP or local sexual health centre.

            Sarah Berry is a psychosexual and relationship therapist. For more information about how she works and to book a session, visit www.sarahberrytherapy.co.uk

            Last updated: 14-09-20

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            6 Ways to Help Her Have Orgasms

            Many men believe that one goal of lovemaking is to “give” women earth-shattering orgasms. But orgasm is something no one “gives.” Orgasms are like laughter. Comedians might be funny, but they don’t “make” us laugh. We release laughter from deep within ourselves when conditions feel right. Rather than “giving” women orgasms, men should focus on what allows women to have them. These suggestions increase her likelihood of a happy ending:

            1. Don’t expect her to have orgasms during intercourse. On TV and in movies and pornography, women always seem to have orgasms during intercourse. That’s much more fantasy than reality. In real sex, only about one-quarter of women are consistently orgasmic during intercourse. The old in-and-out can be great fun, but it brings only a minority of women to orgasm. Three-quarters of women need direct stimulation of the clitoris.

            The clitoris is the little nub of tissue that sits outside the vagina and a few inches above it beneath the upper junction of the vaginal lips. Even vigorous prolonged intercourse seldom provides enough clitoral stimulation for orgasm. Most women really need clitoral caresses from a hand, tongue, or vibrator. Unless she specifically requests intense touch, caress her clitoris very gently. It contains as many touch-sensitive nerves as the head of the penis, but they’re packed into an organ only about one-tenth the size. As a result, even gentle caresses may feel too intense for many women. Discuss this. If she doesn’t enjoy direct clitoral touch, caress around her clitoris.

            2. Touch her all over, not just those places. From the scalp to the soles of the feet, every square inch of the body is a sensual playground, but too many men focus on just a few corners and forget the rest. Touch her everywhere. All over. Every square inch. Think of sex as a whole-body massage that eventually includes the genitals. Whole-body massage produces deep relaxation, which helps women (and men) have orgasms. Massage her gently from head to toe. Some non-genital spots that can feel surprisingly erotic include the scalp, ears, face, neck, feet, and the backs of the knees.

            3. Slow down. Extended sensual warm-up time helps women have orgasms. Compared with men, most women need considerably more time to warm up to genital play. Forget the wham bam you see in porn. When making love, do everything at half speed. Sex therapists recommend at least 30 minutes of kissing, cuddling, and whole-body sensual caressing before reaching between her legs.

            4. Use a lubricant. Wetter is better. In just seconds, lubricant makes women’s (and men’s) genitals more erotically sensitive, so it helps women have orgasms. In addition, for women experiencing post-menopausal vaginal dryness, sex may feel uncomfortable without a lubricant.

            The most widely used lube is saliva. It’s wet, free, and always available, but saliva dries quickly and it’s not very slippery. Vegetable oil is another possibility, but it can be messy and stain linens. Try commercial lubricants. They’re safe, inexpensive, and slippery. If they dry out, they can be refreshed with a few drops of water, or just apply a bit more. But don’t squirt lubricants directly on women’s genitals. That can feel cold and jarring. Squeeze some into your hand, rub it with your fingers to warm it, then touch her. Lubricants are available at pharmacies.

            5. Break out of routines. Ever notice how sex feels more arousing in hotels? That’s because hotel sex is not routine. Biochemically, the brain chemical (neurotransmitter) dopamine governs libido. As dopamine rises, so does arousal and likelihood of orgasm. What raises dopamine? Novelty. So try something different—anything. Make love in a new location, in a different way, at a different time, or with a different ambiance, for example, candlelight, music, and sex toys. Beforehand, try bathing or showering together, or treat yourselves to professional massages.

            6. Take a vibrator to bed. Even if you do all of the above, some women still have trouble with orgasm and need the intense stimulation only vibrators can provide. Today, one-third of American women own vibrators, but few couples include them in partner sex. Some men fear being “replaced.” Nonsense. Power tools don’t replace carpenters. They just get the job done more efficiently. Vibrators can’t kiss and cuddle, or make women laugh, or love them. They do just one thing, and some women need that one thing to have orgasms. Hold her close as you invite her to use the vibrator.

            Just remember, you don’t “give” her orgasms. In a loving relationship, the man’s job is to create an erotic context that’s comfortable, relaxed, and arousing enough so the woman can let herself go enough to climax.

            Everything you need to know

            Unlike some animals, human females can have sex any time of the month, and they do not have to orgasm to ovulate or get pregnant.

            Male-dominated scientific norms mean that much about the female orgasm remains misunderstood, and many harmful myths persist.

            A female orgasm can be highly pleasurable and occur during masturbation or sexual activity with one or more partners. Scientists are unsure whether it has additional benefits.

            In this article, we look at why female orgasms occur and what happens during an orgasm. We also debunk some common misconceptions.

            The benefits of the male orgasm are clear. Men must ejaculate to deposit sperm in the vagina, possibly leading to pregnancy. The male orgasm, therefore, serves a clear evolutionary purpose.

            The purpose of the female orgasm is less clear. Researchers have suggested numerous potential benefits, but few have been rigorously tested, and no theory has conclusive scientific support.

            Not everything the body does has a clear purpose, however. Scientists have not discovered the evolutionary benefits of some traits that have persisted in humans.

            A 2016 study argues that the female orgasm may have no obvious evolutionary benefit and that it may be a relic of a time when the hormones associated with orgasm were necessary for a woman to ovulate.

            Since there was no evolutionary need to eliminate the female orgasm, it persisted even when it was no longer necessary for fertility.

            Orgasm may serve important purposes, however. The pleasure it can cause can encourage females to have sex. This may also promote bonding with a sexual partner, which does have significant evolutionary benefits.

            During arousal, blood flow to the genitals increases, causing them to become more sensitive.

            As arousal increases, a person’s heart rate, blood pressure, and breathing rate may also increase. As orgasm approaches, the muscles may twitch or spasm. Many women experience rhythmic muscle spasms in the vagina during an orgasm.

            Several researchers have proposed that sexual response follows specific stages, though their theories about these stages differ.

            Still, most theories include the following stages:

            • excitement, during which arousal builds
            • plateau, during which arousal increases and levels off
            • orgasm, which causes intense feelings of pleasure
            • resolution, during which arousal diminishes

            Many females are able to have another orgasm after resolution, whereas males usually require a period of rest before having another orgasm.

            While the internet is filled with articles promising that orgasms improve skin, hair, and overall health, there is little scientific evidence that orgasms offer any specific health benefits.

            Scientists have not identified any evolutionary benefits of female orgasms or found that orgasms improve health.

            But orgasms are pleasurable, and pleasure can be its own benefit. Pleasurable sex may improve a person’s mood, relieve stress, boost immunity, and foster better relationships.

            Women do not need to orgasm to get pregnant. However, a limited body of evidence suggests that orgasms may boost fertility.

            One very small study, for example, measured whether there was better sperm retention after female orgasm. While the results confirmed this, proving that the female body retains sperm better after an orgasm will require larger studies with designs of higher quality.

            People hold many misconceptions about female orgasms. Some myths include:

            Women who cannot orgasm have psychological problems.

            While trauma, relationship issues, and poor mental health can make it more difficult to orgasm, many people with healthy sexual attitudes and good relationships still have difficulties.

            An orgasm is both a physical and psychological response, and numerous health problems can make it more difficult to enjoy sex in this way.

            Some people struggle to orgasm due to inadequate lubrication. This may happen while taking hormonal birth control, or during or after pregnancy, or due to menopause.

            Also, women can experience vulvodynia, which refers to unexplained pain in the vagina or around the vulva. Treating this and other medical conditions may improve sexual pleasure.

            Orgasms from penetrative sex are common or the healthiest form of sexual expression.

            Self-appointed experts, mostly men, have long told women that they must orgasm from heterosexual intercourse. However, many women can only orgasm from clitoral stimulation.

            Sigmund Freud argued that the vaginal orgasm was the superior and more mature orgasm. No evidence supports this claim.

            Women cannot have vaginal orgasms.

            While vaginal orgasms are less common than those from clitoral stimulation, some women have them — with or without other stimulation.

            The female orgasm can result from many types of stimulation, including vaginal, clitoral, and nipple contact.

            Not everyone orgasms from the same type of stimulation.

            Women need to be in love to orgasm.

            Orgasm is a complex psychological and biological experience — reaching and experiencing orgasm is not the same for every woman. Some women may need to feel love to orgasm, while others may not.

            A person’s relationship with their partner may or may not influence their ability to orgasm during sex.

            A 2018 study found that 86% of lesbian women said they usually or always orgasm during sex, compared to just 66% of bisexual women and 65% of heterosexual women.

            Participants were more likely to orgasm frequently if they:

            • received more oral sex
            • had longer-lasting sex
            • reported higher relationship satisfaction
            • asked for what they wanted in bed
            • engaged in sexual emails or calls
            • expressed love during sex
            • acted out sexual fantasies
            • tried new sexual positions
            A partner can tell if a woman has had an orgasm.

            There is no way to tell if a woman has had an orgasm without asking her. Some people make noises during an orgasm, while others are silent. Some flush or sweat after an orgasm, but others do not.

            A person who wants to know if their partner has had an orgasm can ask without being confrontational.

            If the answer is no, avoid judgment, anger, or feelings of inadequacy — these can put pressure on the person to orgasm, which can lead to anxiety and make it more difficult. Instead, discuss whether they would prefer a different approach to sex.

            Being unable to orgasm is a common issue, and it can occur for a variety of reasons. Some people may not receive the right kind of stimulation during sex, while others may have experienced trauma linked to sex. Others may simply be uninterested.

            A 2018 analysis of 135 prior studies identified several factors that increase the risk of sexual dysfunction, including:

            • relationship problems
            • stress
            • mental health issues
            • poor physical health
            • genitourinary issues, such as pelvic pain
            • a history of abortion
            • a history of female genital mutilation
            • sexual abuse
            • being religious, perhaps due to sexual shame and stigma

            The same study identified several modifiable risk factors that improve sexual experience, including:

            • exercise
            • daily affection from a partner
            • a positive body image
            • sex education
            • intimate communication with a partner

            Masturbation can help a person find what feels good to them. Some other strategies that might help include:

            • using sexual lubricants to make sex more comfortable
            • asking a partner to stimulate the clitoris during sex
            • masturbating during sex
            • discussing fantasies with a partner
            • telling a partner if something does not feel good

            The aforementioned 2018 study that compared orgasm frequency among people of various sexual orientations in the United States found that the following behaviors during sex increase the likelihood of women having an orgasm:

            • deep kissing
            • genital stimulation during vaginal intercourse
            • oral sex

            If self-help strategies do not work, a doctor who specializes in sexual dysfunction may be able to identify a problem, if there is one.

            Many medical issues can make having an orgasm difficult, including:

            • a lack of lubrication
            • hormonal imbalances
            • pelvic pain
            • muscle dysfunction
            • a history of trauma

            When trauma or relationship problems make having an orgasm difficult, or when a person feels ashamed of sex or their desires, individual or couples counseling can help.

            Serious scientific research into the female orgasm is relatively recent. Even some doctors may still believe myths about the female orgasm or think that it is unimportant to the female sexual experience.

            This means that many people may have trouble accessing reliable information about orgasms.

            A competent, compassionate medical professional can help a person understand the process of orgasm and identify potential barriers to sexual satisfaction.

            There is no right way to orgasm and no correct way to feel about sex. People should pursue what feels good to them.

            Science-Backed Ways to Make Your Partner Come

            Three things make your toes curl:

            • bloodcurdling embarrassment
            • wearing pointy jester shoes
            • Oh my goodness, how are you doing that with your tongue?

            Despite having the only organ in the human body completely dedicated to pleasure, people with clitorises can find orgasms to be mysteriously out of reach.

            Some of those looking to rock their partner’s entire world claim that the clitoral orgasm is a mystery that ranks alongside the Bermuda Triangle or where that missing sock goes on laundry day.

            When mystery calls, though, science invariably answers. And this time, it’s wearing the sexiest lab coat imaginable.

            Sex researchers have been asking some smart questions. With their help, we parted the legs of truth and revealed practical tips to help your partner come (to some positive conclusions about your technique, obviously).

            And don’t worry, we’re not leaving folk with penises out — they tend to have an easier time of it, but that’s not true for everyone.

            One study from 2019 suggested based on data that over 90 percent of people with penises regularly orgasm during sex, but that the figure is 50 percent for people with clitorises.Kontula O. (2016). Determinants of female sexual orgasms. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5087699/

            Well, that just won’t do, now, will it? Sex should be fun, sensual, and safe for everyone who tries it. And that includes whoever’s in your bed right now! (Okay, tip number one: Put the articles away and get to it.)

            We’ve got a few tips that will have your partner soundproofing their bedroom as a matter of urgency. You’ll graduate from our walkthrough magna cum loudly.

            While we’re on this sticky subject, we explain the awesome health benefits of a good, old-fashioned orgasm, what could be blocking the road to O-town, and how to get there.

            Sexual contentment is a key part of human wellness for people who are active in that way. Plenty of studies are being done with the objective of offering tangible advice to help folks achieve a better sex life.

            One such study indicates that 36.6 percent of women reach orgasm through clitoral stimulation. Compare that to the 18.4 percent of women who orgasm from vaginal sex.Herbenick D, et al. (2017). Women’s experiences with genital touching, sexual pleasure, and orgasm: Results from a U. S. probability sample of women ages 18 to 94. https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/0092623X.2017.1346530 Sounds like a simple jaunt toward the clit might do the trick, right?

            Slow down there, partner. It’s not that easy. The researchers also found that specific types of clitoral stimulation are better than others, with up-and-down motions getting better results than circular movements overall.

            Turns out, most people prefer a gentle touch on their clitoris over firm contact, and almost half of the women in the study said there’s one specific touch that sends them to orgasm.

            So just ask! (We’re not leaving you hanging, but you also need to do some of the work yourself. There’s only so much complete strangers can tell you about what makes your partner tick.)

            An innovative study in the Archives of Sexual Behavior offers a little more clarity on that most burning of questions: What makes an orgasm?

            Using data from a diverse group of almost 53,000 people, researchers sought to discover who orgasms — and why.Frederick DA, et al. (2017). Differences in orgasm frequency among gay, lesbian, bisexual, and heterosexual men and women in a U.S. national sample. https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10508-017-0939-z

            This study is limited, though. It reports on people who identify as straight, gay, and bisexual, and there’s still a lot of work to be done in understanding how trans and gender non-conforming individuals experience sexual thrills.

            Even outside of gender identity, orgasms are so personal. They feel different for everyone. You can feel any emotion under the sun after an orgasm, depending on the setting, your individual experiences, and how you’re wired.

            And people have completely different, complex preferences that result in their sexual ecstasy peaking. Finding a universal rule is extremely difficult.

            What the study achieved, however, is undressing three significant factors that are likely to result in orgasm. Combine this with learning your partner’s mind and body, and you’ll be in very good stead to start distributing pleasure like Oprah distributes cars.

            (“You get an orgasm! You get an orgasm! You get an orgasm!”)

            This “golden trio” can help ensure your partner has a great time every time.

            Open wide, say “aaah”: More oral, please

            This one is for the ladies: Women who receive more oral during sex are much more likely to reach orgasm.

            They won’t necessarily get there through oral sex alone, though: The key to orgasm is to incorporate oral with a variety of other sexual techniques. As is so often the case, variety is the spice of life (and sexual satisfaction).

            Just 5 more minutes… time is of the essence

            In the study, both men and women said that they’re more likely to orgasm if sex lasts more than 15 minutes. Women are even more likely to orgasm if the session is longer than 30 minutes (or an hour).

            Intense foreplay takes time. Quickies can be great fun, but if you want your partner to have an explosive experience, put the time aside and really explore.

            If you’re a sprinter more than a marathon runner, we found a few exercises that can boost your stamina.

            Happy relationship, happy quivering

            Women who are happy and loved up are more likely to orgasm than those having difficulties with their partner. The study found relationship satisfaction to be one of the highest predictors of orgasm for women — which is not the most surprising discovery, when you think about it.

            This is a tricky one, though. It’s unclear which factor feeds which.

            Does a happy relationship promote a healthy sex life, or does a great sex life contribute to satisfaction with a partner? This is a Circle of Life we can get behind.


            Name a better trio. (Apart from Hanson.)

            These gold standards for giving orgasms are the main findings from the study. However, the researchers also stumbled on other factors that contribute to orgasms.

            According to the study’s findings, women who frequently orgasm do more of the following:

            • give new positions a go
            • act on their fantasies
            • ask for something they want during sex
            • show expressions of love during sex
            • let their partner know that certain movements feel good
            • wear sexy lingerie
            • include a variety of sexual acts
            • sext their partner

            A whopping 80 percent of women orgasm from this magical combination:

            • oral sex
            • vaginal sex
            • manual (hand) clitoral stimulation
            • deep kissing

            Men who have more orgasms tend to do these things:

            • wear sexy underwear
            • receive a massage or back rub
            • ask for something they want during sex
            • praise their partner for something they did during sex
            • take a bath or shower with their partner
            • sext their partner
            • set aside time for sex

            Even though most people have specific motions or moves that make them not only tick but explode, there are actually stark similarities between what people of all orientations and genders want from sex.

            According to the study, sexting can play a great supporting role in The Orgasm Show. If you’re not yet comfortable with sexting, we can help you get acquainted. 😉😘

            Scientific conclusions: Practical, science-backed ways to help your partner finish

            How does this help you make orgasms a regular part of sex, rather than an occasional happy accident?

            Well, if you partner has a clitoris, here’s some changes you could make by the next time you sleep together:

            • Take your time.
            • Mix up your hand, tongue, and body movements.
            • Go down on your partner (and stay down there)!
            • Try something new, like an inventive position or a toy.
            • Bring back the passion and eroticism of kissing.
            • Ask your partner what they want.

            Those with penises don’t struggle as much with orgasms, but some do. For biologically male partners:

            • Take your time and be gentle.
            • Offer them a back rub.
            • Make sure you’re setting time aside for romance and affection, so your partner knows that you’re enjoying it and want them to feel good.
            • Provide a safe, non-judgmental environment where your partner can let you know what they want and explore fantasies.

            Most importantly, work on your relationship. You’re both more likely to orgasm if you’re happy. Communicate is rule numero uno for this. You should build good communication into the fabric of your emotional and physical relationship.

            Communication is an essential factor for successful orgasms. If your partner knows which little touch sends them into rapture, you’ll find out much faster by asking.

            The most effective search engine lies inside your partner’s pants and mind.

            Not all relationships are rosy all the time, and you might have some stuff to work through before the sexual side can ignite fully. Enter communication, yet again: Most relationships are fixable through a supportive conversation.

            Orgasms offer a host of benefits beyond the rosy glow and bounty of passion — there are perks aplenty for everyone to enjoy.

            Here are a few of the bonus rewards orgasms bring into your life.

            • In the throes of pleasure, your brain releases vast amounts of the hormone oxytocin — the “hug hormone.” Oxytocin helps promote bonding and stress relief, which explains that carefree, post-coital smirk on your face after a good squish.Liu H et al. (2016). Is sex good for your health? A national study on partnered sexuality and cardiovascular risk among older men and women. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5052677/
            • There’s a reason you feel sleepy after an orgasm. According to 2019 research, sex contributes to improved sleep — but mostly in people with penises, as they’re more likely to reach orgasm.Lastella M et al. (2019). Sex and sleep: Perceptions of sex as a sleep-promoting behaviour in the general adult population. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6409294/
            • If you get sick often, a useful and enjoyable prescription is more orgasms. They may boost immunity by increasing your white blood cells.Haake P et al. (2004). Effects of sexual arousal on lymphocyte subset circulation and cytokine production in man. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/15316239/
            • Orgasms can help you live longer. Women who have more orgasms have longer telomeres, the insulating caps on your DNA that control how fast you age.Cabeza de Baca T et al. (2017). Sexual intimacy in couples is associated with longer telomere length. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0306453016310034 See? The fountain of youth was keeping you moist the whole time.
            • And men get unique benefits like improved protection from prostate cancer,Leitzmann MF, et al. (2004). Ejaculation frequency and subsequent risk of prostate cancer. https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jama/fullarticle/198487 as well as cardiovascular disease,Hall SA, et al. (2011). Sexual activity, erectile dysfunction, and incident cardiovascular events. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2824175/

            Sex can help you burn a few calories, too.

            Science has been trying to answer this question for a long time. But it’s not all about what you’re doing with your fingers — in fact, sex isn’t all about you at all. Unless you’re masturbating.

            Part of the issue is the different types of orgasm for people with clits in particular. Some reach orgasm easier through clitoral stimulation, and others prefer vaginal sex. An orgasm might be out of reach for some people unless they get both clitoral and vaginal pleasure.

            Many people have psychological or physical barriers, especially if they’ve experienced sexual trauma or the effects of uncomfortable health problems, such as endometriosis. Montanari G et al. (2013). Women with deep infiltrating endometriosis: Sexual satisfaction, desire, orgasm, and pelvic problem interference with sex. https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/jsm.12133 They may need to try and resolve these health issues before being able to enjoy sexual contact enough to reach orgasm.

            Others simply get stuck in their head, dwelling on insecurities or fears. (If you’re one of the people who struggles to get all the way to an orgasm, or maybe never has, we’re here to help.)

            Many women fake orgasms, and while many women fake with positive intentions — to preserve their partner’s feelings, mostly — it can lead to miscommunication and unrealistic expectations in the bedroom.

            The National Survey of Sex Health and Behavior found that 85 percent of heterosexual men think their partner reached orgasm the last time they did it together — but 64 percent of heterosexual woman claim that they actually did.National Survey of Sexual Health And Behavior. (n.d.). https://nationalsexstudy.indiana.edu/keyfindings/index.html Yikes.

            If you find yourself faking it rather than making it, you may benefit from a bit of help. One of our writers tested out 7 popular clit suction toys. (Journalism can be a tough gig, you know.)

            Now, you can set about overcoming any issues over coming. Let science be your wingperson.

            If you communicate your own bedroom needs and listen to your partner’s, take time to really enjoy the moment, and maintain a healthy relationship the rest of the time, your chances at an orgasm are already pretty high.

            You might feel that, when it comes to going down on your partner, you don’t quite feel ready to put your money where your mouth is. There’s an article for everything.

            90,000 The Secret of the Female Orgasm: What Do Scientists Know About It?

            • Linda Geddes
            • BBC Future

            Photo author, Getty

            Female sexual characteristics, from the G-spot to multiple orgasms, once puzzled scientists. But now, as the correspondent discovered

            BBC Future , Radical Experiments Help Find Some Answers.

            There is a lock on my washing machine. To turn it off, you need to hold the program start button for some time, pressing it with a certain effort.If you press too lightly, nothing happens; if it is too strong, then the machine will burst into angry squeak. But as soon as you once understood exactly how to press, then there are no further problems: the light comes on, everything starts to move, and as a result, the washing process reaches its peak, accompanied by the increasing hum of the motor. As a result, we get a tangled pile of wet but fresh clothes at the exit. However, if you do not know how to handle the button, then nothing will come of it.

            Now consider the female orgasm.Jerome Salinger once wrote: “A woman’s body is a violin, and you have to be a great musician to make it sound.” If you press the necessary buttons and caress skillfully, then a woman can be plunged into such ecstasy that for a few seconds the whole world will cease to exist for her. But getting it wrong can result in pain, frustration, or dull indifference. For a man, everything is completely different: if he can achieve an erection, then a few minutes of active stimulation usually leads to ejaculation.

            Why is orgasm such a thrill? How do women manage to have multiple orgasms? Does the notorious G-spot really exist? Medicine has been struggling with these riddles for a long time. “We can go to the moon, but we don’t know enough about our own body,” says Emmanuel Giannini of the University of Rome, Tor Vergata, who has devoted his career to finding answers to these questions. In recent years, he and other sex gurus like him have done a whole series of studies on these topics and finally began to get some intelligible results.

            Brain on fire

            Perhaps one of the most important skills for researchers in this field is the ability to convince women to drop prejudices and masturbate (or even have sex) under the watchful eye of scientists, including inside an MRI scanner, not romance-friendly device. One of the pioneers of this scientific direction was Barry Komisaruk of Rutgers University in the US state of New Jersey. He was trying to figure out if the difference in sexuality between men and women could be explained by differences in the structure of their brains.

            Author of the photo, Getty

            Caption to the photo,

            Immediately after orgasm, the female brain, in contrast to the male, continues to remain “on”

            It turned out that, despite the difference in sensations, for both women and men, orgasm is accompanied by approximately the same nervous activity. “The similarities between orgasm in men and women are much greater than the differences,” says Komisaruk. “In general, we observe a general activation of the brain, as if everything is turned on at once.”

            This can explain why orgasm is so overwhelming: if the whole forest is on fire, it is difficult to keep track of the individual fires that started the fire.”In orgasm, everything is activated at the same time, and this eliminates the subtle difference between the various processes that take place,” he adds. It seems that this is why we are unable to think about anything else.

            In this crucible of emotions, however, one can distinguish especially hot centers. One of these is the nucleus accumbens, a region responsible for pleasure and reward through the release of a neurotransmitter called dopamine. In the course of the experiments, the rats, which had the opportunity to stimulate this section through the electrodes connected to it, preferred this activity to food – to such an extent that they could overdo it and die of hunger.This zone, in addition to sex, is activated by cocaine, amphetamines, caffeine, nicotine and chocolate. So it’s no surprise that orgasm is also habit-forming.

            After orgasm, however, a slightly different process occurs in the brains of women and men, partly explaining the difference in postcoital behavior of the two sexes. Komisaruk and psychologist Kachina Allen found preliminary evidence that immediately after orgasm, certain areas of the male brain stop responding to further sensory stimulation of the genitals, while the female brain remains “on”: this seems to be why some women are able to experience multiple orgasms. but men do not.

            Anatomy of Pleasure

            Even this analysis of brain scans has caused some controversy – let alone trying to define the anatomy of orgasm. The penis has only one channel for delivering sensation to the brain, while the female genitals have three or four. At the heart of female sexuality is the clitoris. Who was the first to guess the importance of this organ is unknown: but it was found even in one of the oldest figurines, the so-called “Paleolithic Venuses”, depicting faceless women with large breasts, round bellies and pronounced labia.

            However, experts began to write about the fact that the clitoris is a separate anatomical unit, common to all women and responsible for pleasure, only in the 16th century. In his book De re anatomica, published in 1559, the Italian anatomist Realdo Colombo described the clitoris as “a hotbed of feminine delight.” Nevertheless, in the following centuries, the topic of female pleasure faded into the background, and the clitoris was practically forgotten (at least, anatomists and doctors). They remembered him again in the 20th century, but still did not pay much attention.Sigmund Freud, although he admitted that a woman is capable of having an orgasm, but believed that clitoral sensitivity in adulthood fades into the background compared to vaginal. He considered the inability to experience a vaginal orgasm a sign of psychosexual immaturity.

            Author of the photo, Getty

            Caption to the photo,

            Several different processes take place in the brains of women and men, partly explaining the difference in postcoital behavior of the two sexes

            However, if this were true, it would have turned out that in the world there are too many women who are unable to fulfill their sexual potential. Between 30 and 40% of women say they have never had an orgasm just from vaginal penetration – although many more do it by stimulating the clitoris.

            Suggestions that vaginal orgasm has any advantages annoy many supporters of feminism. It sounds like the women who don’t experience it are just not trying hard enough. Should vaginal orgasm be considered a kind of rite of passage for all women without exception, or only for a select few? Is it possible to have an orgasm without having a clitoris at all?

            Barry Komisaruk found the first answers to these questions by accident when he was studying the mating behavior of rats.One fine day, having thrust a rod into a rat’s vagina, he caused an unexpected reaction in the rodent. “As soon as I touched the cervix, the rat froze and stopped moving,” he recalls. Among other things, with this stimulation, the rats became insensitive to pain. Soon he switched from experiments on rats to women, and it turned out that they are characterized by the same feature: vaginal stimulation blocks pain signals. But how and why does this happen?

            To understand this, Komisaruk conducted a study with sexologist Beverly Whipple, studying women with spinal cord injuries of varying severity.Scientists have found that even in cases where the trauma blocked the nerve pathways known to medicine from the genitals through the spinal cord to the brain, women still felt touching the vagina and cervix. Some even experienced an orgasm from it – despite the rupture of the pudendal nerve that connects the clitoris to the brain. “Women with spinal cord injuries who could not feel the clitoris nevertheless experienced orgasms with vaginal stimulation,” confirms Komisaruk. “This is perhaps the most compelling evidence that vaginal orgasms exist.”

            Photo author, Science Photo Library

            Photo caption,

            The vagina and clitoris have many “direct exits” to the woman’s brain

            The explanation is that signals from the vagina to the brain are transmitted through the vagus nerves that do not enter the spinal brain. “Women describe clitoral orgasms as more localized and external, while vaginal orgasms are deeper and more involving the whole body. Perhaps this is because the nerves that carry information from the clitoris are different from those that transmit signals from the vagina,” Komisaruk adds. …As for the amazing fact that vaginal orgasm can make the body insensitive to pain, then the point is that the nerves connected to the spinal cord are able to block the release of the neurotransmitter responsible for the perception of pain. When signals reach the brain, they can also spur the release of neurotransmitters such as endorphins, which can reduce pain.

            So, if sensations from different parts of the female genitals are transmitted by different nerves (and both of them cause orgasm) – then can we say that some parts of the vagina are more sensitive than others? And what should couples focus on when trying to achieve this most elusive vaginal orgasm?

            The treasure on the map is marked with the letter G

            For a long time, the main target was considered the notorious G-point, which received this name in the early 1980s after the German gynecologist Ernst Grefenberg.In 1950, he described the erogenous zone located on the anterior wall of the vagina opposite the urethra (located on the other side of this wall). Subsequent studies revealed that this zone contains a node of blood vessels and nerve endings, as well as a female prostate rudiment. Scientists have suggested that in a minority of women – especially those with strong pelvic floor muscles – stimulation of this area can cause a powerful orgasm and the release of a small amount of fluid from the urethra, which is different in composition from urine.

            Soon, information about this magical point on the front wall of the vagina began to spread widely. Many couples have tried to find her, often without success. Some feminists, meanwhile, argued that the G-spot hype was allegedly an attempt by men to reaffirm the important role of vaginal penetration – after the general public’s attention shifted to the clitoris during the sexual revolution of the 1960s and 70s.

            Photo author, Getty

            Photo caption,

            The search for the notorious G-point led to the understanding that anatomically everything is much more complicated

            Evidence for the presence or absence of the G-point is rather fragmentary and often does not deserve the significance attributed to them.One study that “rejected” it was based on the results of an MRI scan of only one woman. The issue is compounded by controversies about how to properly name the various internal parts of the female genital, and where some of them begin and others end.

            However, there does appear to be some physical difference between women who can and cannot experience vaginal orgasms. In 2008, Giannini published the results of a study involving nine women who experienced vaginal orgasms and 11 did not.Ultrasound showed that the former have thicker tissue located between the vagina and the urethra.

            At first, Giannini concluded that this could very well be evidence of the existence of the G-spot. But further research made him change his mind. “The word” point “implies a kind of button that you can press to get an orgasm or pleasure, – he explains. – It means a certain organ, which either is or is not. But no one has been able to clearly describe such an organ or such a point.”

            But if it’s not a button, what is it? More and more scientists support a simple hypothesis: this is the clitoris.Most people think the clitoris is a pea near the surface of the skin, but recent MRI scans show that it is actually not small at all. The pictures show a large, voluminous, bifurcating organ about nine centimeters in length. It is located along the anterior wall of the vagina, parallel to the urethra.

            At its base is the head: the outer part, which most people consider to be the clitoris itself, it is also the most sensitive element. But the bifurcated processes of the organ go around the vagina and go into the labia.

            This organ can also be described as a split penis. Both the clitoris and the penis are created from the same embryonic tissue: the tubercle tubercle, which appears in the early stages of fetal development and subsequently develops into either the clitoris and vulva in girls, or the penis and scrotum in boys. But there is an important difference: when puberty ends, the penis stops growing under the influence of hormones such as testosterone, and the clitoris continues. “It’s not just a small penis,” says Giannini.The vagina also responds to hormones, including the female sex hormone estrogen, which helps explain the fact that sexuality in women can change with age.

            Photo author, Getty

            Photo caption,

            Female sexuality has remained a taboo topic for centuries

            It is difficult to prove or disprove the presence of the G-spot precisely because of such a complex device of female genitalia: it is quite problematic to stimulate the front wall of the vagina separately, because the inner parts of the clitoris and the urethra are likely to be stimulated as well.

            This is exactly what was demonstrated in the course of further research by Giannini, conducted together with the gynecologist Odile Busson at the ultrasound center in the French city of Saint-Germain-en-Laye. Scientists persuaded three women to either stimulate the anterior vaginal wall with a lubricated swab, or to stimulate the outer parts of the clitoris with their fingers. Researchers used ultrasound to observe what happens under the skin. During vaginal penetration, the inner parts of the clitoris and tissues around the urethra began to move and swell, and during masturbation with fingers, the effect was carried out only on its outer part.

            There are also more difficult cases: in some women, vaginal penetration can simultaneously stimulate both the outer and inner regions of the clitoris.

            In 2009, a 42-year-old woman came to the clinic of Rachel Pauls, a gynecologist in Cincinnati, Ohio. She was born without a bladder and has undergone multiple surgeries to address this problem. But, according to Pauls, there is a silver lining: she experienced amazing orgasms. The patient told the doctor that, on average, she experienced two orgasms per intercourse, one by stimulating the clitoris, the other by vaginal penetration.Pauls was greatly impressed by her story, and especially because the patient’s urethra (and with it the entire bundle of nerves and other elements, considered the G-spot) was not in its usual place. In addition, the woman’s clitoris was located right at the very edge of the vaginal opening. “Perhaps this is also why she had an orgasm so often,” says Pauls.

            Does size matter?

            Pauls wondered if the size and location of the clitoris affected the ability to achieve orgasm in healthy women.The researcher and her colleagues found 10 women who claimed that they had never or almost never had an orgasm during intercourse, and 20 women who had it almost every time. Scientists examined in detail the structure of their clitoris using MRI scanners and found that the smaller the head of the clitoris and the further it is from the vagina, the more difficult it is for the owner to achieve orgasm.

            Author of the photo, Thinkstock


            You should not consider a woman’s body a machine that can produce the same result over and over again

            If we take all these studies together, we can conclude that women can experience different orgasms ways: from clitoral, vaginal stimulation, or from a combination of both.Further research by Komisaruk showed that signals from different parts of the female genitalia (and also from the nipples) come to approximately the same region of the brain, albeit in slightly different parts of it. “The different types of orgasms and different sensations have a solid neuroanatomical basis,” says Komisaruk. “And this may explain why the more intense, complex and pleasurable orgasms described by women occur when the clitoris, vagina and cervix are simultaneously stimulated.

            For the same women who cannot achieve orgasm during penetrative sex (or in general with any sex), Pauls advises experimenting.“Female patients come to me and say:“ I don’t have a vaginal orgasm – I guess there’s something wrong with me. ”But they’re really okay. We are all a little different.

            Giannini also has something add: “Enjoy not only sex, but also self-knowledge, understanding what you are today, because tomorrow you can change.” And do not underestimate the natural diversity. “Do not consider the female body a machine, capable of give the same result, “the scientist advises.

            The Complete Guide to Female Orgasm

            Orgasm is an elusive thing and totally dependent on the brain, but we made it a sign of great sex and sincerely believe in what we can recognize by its external signs. Let’s figure out where we went wrong.

            What men need to know

            1. External signs are not an indicator of orgasm

            Moans, convulsions, arching the back, releasing “claws” are not signs of orgasm. The media and porn have created a toxic stereotype that a real orgasm should be like a rite of exorcism.

            Neuroscientist Dr. Nicole Prause dedicated study to this, in which she decided to check exactly which external signs make it possible to accurately understand what an orgasm was.

            The result caused a violent reaction from the public, because none. According to her, many women during orgasm did not reveal their condition with absolutely no external signs.

            2. Women moan to stop sex

            According to statistics, women in general often imitate orgasm: 67% of women do it sometimes, and 25% imitate it at every sexual contact.But only 20% of men believe 90,137 that their partners could imitate pleasure.

            Most men consider groans to be proof of orgasm. This interested the researchers, and they found that in fact everything is exactly the opposite: a third of women regularly simulate an orgasm, namely, amplifying the sounds they make , half of the imitators do it periodically.

            3. The demand for orgasm will not help to achieve it

            In general, the very expectation of visible evidence of orgasm is logically explained by sociologists.Charlene L. Muehlenhard, professor of clinical psychology at the University of Kansas at Lawrence, has shown in her studies that men regard female orgasm as a measure of the quality of their work.

            And many do not finish their actions until they receive verbal evidence of this. That is, in the literal sense, they will continue to move inside the woman until they receive a response that is acceptable to themselves.

            At the same time, we are just learning to talk about sex, and we are not able to adequately perceive information that a partner has not received an orgasm.This leads to the fact that we pay more attention to visual signs than to the real feelings and sensations of a partner.

            Men this approach also let down: now they have to dispel the myth that ejaculation always means orgasm, although it is not.

            For example, this is how women look before, during and immediately after orgasm. With such expressions, women could sit across from you on the bus, and you would not suspect anything. The photo was taken within the framework of his project About Project by Brazilian photographer Marcos Alberti.

            A woman before, during and immediately after orgasm / masmorrastudio.com

            4. Nevertheless, there are still external signs of orgasm

            Orgasm is a powerful nerve signal that travels through the spine to the brain. So, obviously, he has some physical signs, but it is usually difficult to notice and isolate them.

            Obstetrician-gynecologist Lisa Masterson told what happens to a woman during orgasm.

            First of all, it is a rapid heartbeat.Then the muscles begin to contract (but not as shown in the movies, but rather like cramps – they can be barely visible) of the ankles, toes and, most importantly, the muscles of the vagina. Contractions inside the vagina can be felt with your fingers.

            Then an orgasm occurs directly, during which the pupils dilate and the clitoris pulsates. You can try to feel it with your lips. Finally, as Dr. Masterson adds, if you try really hard, the woman will sweat (not because she jumped on the bed, but because of the rapid heart rate and muscle contractions).

            A woman before, during and immediately after orgasm / masmorrastudio.com

            5. It is the brain that brings you to orgasm, not the technique of execution

            More precisely, the technique plays a huge role, but only if the person is comfortable in bed with you.

            Only a quarter of women regularly experience orgasm during intercourse: regardless of how long it lasts, from the size of the penis, from how a woman feels about a man or their relationship.

            These statistics come from not only one study, but from a comprehensive analysis of 33 studies over the past 80 years by Elisabeth A.Lloyd) in her book The Case of the Female Orgasm.

            So there are probably two scenarios.

            Either the girl in your bed knows exactly what to do with her to have an orgasm, and tells you about it. Then you need to listen to it, and not remember your previous experience or pictures from porn. If a girl knows that for orgasm she needs, for example, at least an hour of oral sex, and tells you about it directly, this is great news for you. It means that she is very comfortable with you, she went through the jungle of her doubts, fears and mistrust and voiced, perhaps for the first time in her life, what she wants in bed.

            Either she has not yet experienced an orgasm and cannot tell what she likes. In this case, previous experience can help you, but it is important to remember: she does not know how to reach an orgasm, but to understand whether it is pleasant for her right now or not, of course, can, therefore, there is no need to pressure her. After all, you study her together with her, she is already embarrassed, do not act as if you are in a hurry somewhere, and the process of satisfying your partner tires you.

            Remember that orgasm does occur in the brain.And if he has already been at least once, then you clearly understand his approach, distance, possibility or impossibility.

            Sometimes he can “disappear” in the process: in a few seconds “before” his leg was brought together – everything, most likely, the change of position will delay the orgasm or completely “scare away”. Or the girl will understand that she cannot “catch” him in any way – this is also normal and does not speak of your failure as a lover. This suggests that the girl’s brain is now not ready for orgasm, even if she herself is quite ready.

            6. However, a variety of practices can help

            It has long been known that heterosexual women have the least orgasms. The reason is that they have less oral sex.

            Australian researchers surveyed 5,000 heterosexual men and women about their recent sexual contacts and found that 96% of cases were vaginal penetration. Only 24% of women talked about cunnilingus. In 1% of cases, it was anal sex for a woman. Mutual massage of the genitals, however, received all equally: 76% of people reported it.

            Orgasms from any of these influences were obtained from 95 to 98% of men. For women, the statistics were very different. Orgasms from vaginal penetration alone were reported by 50% of women. When this was added to genital fondling with hands, the percentage of women who had orgasms increased to 71%. Vulva massage, vaginal penetration and cunnilingus led to orgasm in 86% of women.

            In addition, there are studies that confirm that only 8% of women are able to regularly experience orgasms only from vaginal penetration.And it’s not about the skill of their partners, but about physiology: their clitoris is located closer to the vagina than the rest.

            Study author, Ph.D., Professor Kim Wallen adds that despite this figure, Hollywood continues to portray this 8% as 100%, which hinders both women and men.

            So if your partner only gets an orgasm from penetration, it’s her anatomy, not your penis.

            Anything that helps a girl to stimulate her clitoris, whether it be fondling, cunnilingus or something else, is more likely to lead her to orgasm.

            A woman before, during and immediately after orgasm / masmorrastudio.com

            What women need to know

            Your pleasure matters

            According to statistics , 90% of women fake an orgasm when they realized that they could not achieve it. The reasons for imitation were called such: to stop sex because of boredom, fatigue, discomfort, pain, time constraints, in order to please the partner.

            Lack of orgasm is least of all associated with the technique and skills of the partner, the presence of sex toys, and so on.A Finnish study found that psychological comfort was the main factor in achieving orgasm: it increased sexual desire, arousal, self-esteem and increased openness.

            So stop thinking that your orgasm can wait until better times. Hundreds of studies have been devoted to examining the causes of female imitation and lack of orgasm and to show that this is a ubiquitous problem that demonstrates deep-seated problems in society, in relationships between people.Until 20 years ago, the female orgasm did not bother anyone – and it’s time to change that.

            What affects the number of orgasms

            Psychologists and social scientists have found that there are four variables that, to some extent, affect the likelihood of orgasm.

            1. The older the age and higher education, the greater the likelihood of orgasm, as women become more confident in themselves to demand attention in bed and talk about sex.
            2. Women with liberal views have more orgasms than those who adopt conservative (religious and social) views, in which a woman’s feelings are always in second place.
            3. The more comfortable and happy a woman feels in a relationship, the more she opens up sexually.
            4. Women who have experienced sexual abuse or other sex-related trauma experience fewer orgasms.

            The third point is the most important – the level of comfort, pleasure and happiness in the relationship. In “ideal” relationships, 70% of women reported orgasms, in sexual contacts with casual partners the number dropped to 49%.

            Reasons that may prevent you from reaching orgasm

            1.Movie stereotypes

            Some women fake an orgasm because they don’t know how long it will take them to really reach it, or what exactly needs to be done to get it.

            Ph.D., author of The Elusive Orgasm, Vivienne Cass believes the media portrayal of orgasm is to blame: “Men and women see these brightly orgasmic women in movies and think it’s the norm. Meanwhile, there is also porn. Because of him, most are used to seeing women cum in a few seconds. “

            As a result, not only men are waiting for the “rite of exorcism”, but women are also expecting some unusually vivid sensations, which is why they can ignore their real orgasm or consider it not strong enough.

            But each orgasm is unique in sensations, duration and intensity, it is important to learn to feel your body, and not adjust expectations, focusing on the woman bending on the screen.

            2. A critical attitude to your body

            Psychologists believe that critical internal judgments of a woman about her own body interrupt the smooth increase in sexual arousal, and this is a very important factor in achieving orgasm.

            A woman’s inner voice lists the main concerns: “my breasts are too small”, “they are not like other women’s breasts”, “my breasts are deformed”, “vagina is too dry / wet / narrow / wide”, “my vagina is not beautiful”, “I don’t feel clean enough downstairs so I don’t have oral sex.”

            Psychologists note that many women have learned a negative attitude towards their bodies from their parents, in the process of teaching hygiene and other issues. If the genitals did not have names, they could not be touched, but could only be washed, then the genital area is associated exclusively with excretory functions.

            Women’s shame eventually extends to everything below the waist. It is difficult to get pleasure from touching parts of the body that you used to think are dirty, and it interferes with having an orgasm.

            3. Lack of adequate sexual socialization

            Many women have acquired distorted views on sex at an early age. The negative attitude of parents towards nudity, masturbation, sexual practices with first partners has a strong impact on how men and women perceive sex and sexuality.

            As a result, people begin to view some sexual activities as acceptable and “clean” and others as “dirty” and “bad”. In addition, some religions view sex as an expression of the base, sinful nature of humans.

            It is difficult to imagine that a person brought up in such a system suddenly falls in love with sex at the age of 25 and quickly reveals himself sexually. Psychologists nevertheless agree that, as a result, an adult woman will be inclined to perceive sex as a forbidden and shameful act, and for her desire and pleasure she will feel guilty and expect negative consequences.

            4. Fear of awakening repressed memories of trauma

            Every third woman in the world has experienced some form of violence and harassment, and this cannot be ignored. Such an experience leaves an imprint, especially in a country where it is a shame to ask for help and will not wait for the support of society.

            In this case, most of the women affected received traumatic experience before the age of 18, and often a relative was the culprit. This undermines the entire system of woman’s trust in the world in the future.

            In such cases, intimacy becomes a difficult event, because the woman experiences problems with trust, comfort and confidence. Sex can ultimately provoke feelings of guilt, emotional pain, and any similarity between her partner and the injured person increases the likelihood of painful memories returning.

            5. Fear of losing control

            Feeling that you are in control of a situation is one of the basic needs of a person. When you grow up in a country where men think they can tell you anything, shout after you on the street, touch you, stalk you, and the word “no” is perceived only as flirting, control becomes a defense mechanism that was difficult to build and will be difficult lose.

            Psychologists say that women who are forced to rely on maintaining control as a defense mechanism tend to resist their own urge to express themselves freely during sex.

            What to do to help yourself reach orgasm

            1. Look at your genitals

            If you’ve never done this, take a mirror and look at your genitals. At least find out where the labia minora are and what the clitoris looks like.

            2.Get to know your body

            Take 30-60 minutes to explore your own body. You can start by taking a bath or shower. You can use oil, lubricant, or lotion. Focus on how the touch feels, where it feels best. Move to the genitals, try to understand which areas are pleasant to you, and where it is perceived as a simple touch of any other part of the skin.

            Then rest and replay the sensations of touching in your head: perhaps a specific place and intensity of touch will occur to you.Try it. And do not rush to go directly to masturbation, it is important to get used to your own body and pleasure in general.

            Psychologists believe that this should help normalize this behavior so that it stops being read as stress.

            3. Masturbate

            The process of masturbation is also important to make comfortable, so it’s time to study the reaction of your genitals to touch. If you figure out exactly how and where you need to be touched to make it feel good, it will help in getting an orgasm.It will also increase blood flow to the genitals, which will also be beneficial in achieving orgasm.

            Give yourself as much time as you need, and feel free to approach the process thoroughly: your position, the use of lubricant, arousal (erotic romance, porn or fantasy), music – anything that can help you relax.

            And don’t worry about the timing: it can take 5, 10, 20, 30, 45 minutes to reach orgasm. Do not get hung up on this, only your pleasure is important.

            4. Learn to talk with your partner

            After you find out what you like, get used to the idea that your pleasure is important and achievable, convey it to your partner.

            If this is a one-night stand partner, he will need direct guidance – and do not accept his rejection or selfishness. It is better to agree on everything in advance: your pleasure should also be in the plans of your partner, he should be ready to listen and hear you.

            5. Do not imitate

            Unfortunately, some women imitate orgasm not simply because they are tired or have missed an orgasm, but to avoid trouble in the form of physical violence .But if you can tell the truth, speak up.

            Researchers believe that women who have already experienced an orgasm fake it less often. You should have the right to stop sex without pretending or making excuses, but simply because you don’t want to continue and you have not been able to achieve orgasm.

            If your partner’s pleasure is important to you, then you can help him get pleasure in any other way, and you do not need to endure for this.

            There is no need to be silent, especially if the relationship suits you.Until your partner knows that you are not getting an orgasm, he cannot change it.

            Read also

            How to make your orgasm stronger | Vogue Ukraine

            Alexandra Kaminskaya talks about her journey to the heights of pleasure.

            I learned about the existence of orgasm a lot earlier than about how and why to build a relationship. Orgasm initially for me was not about a relationship with someone, but about a relationship with myself and myself. Years passed in this way, and all this time I sincerely believed: petting is the best thing you can get from sex, and I can handle orgasm much better myself – without outside help. Rich practice from 13 years old, no need to be beautiful and sexy in front of someone, pleasure from the process itself, knowledge of the boundaries of personal high.

            I must say, all this made my sex life a little one-sided. Female sexuality experts Wallen K and Lloyd EA confirmed in 2011 research that the value of the penis in achieving orgasm is exaggerated: only 23% of women get an orgasm through vaginal sex. In addition, unlike ejaculation, female orgasms are incredibly variable, not required for reproduction, and are not directly related to reproduction at all.

            Back at 23, analyzing my experience, I was surprised to realize that I could not remember good sex in terms of technical parameters. More precisely, he was always beautiful – while I was in love. In the wake of admiration for my partner, I found all his manipulations delightful, the size appropriate, the experiments inspiring. But as soon as the passions subside, I began to count the pendants on the chandelier during sex and finally understood the meaning of demotivator pictures, where girls leaf through a magazine in the midst of intercourse.Well, really, how do they paint their lips this season?

            I had to learn pleasure – first, to simply achieve orgasm, then – to achieve it as relaxed and easy as alone, and then – to vary the sensations. Miraculously, there was no Kegel exercise, carrying jade eggs and other workouts for the muscles of the vagina.

            First I had to cross the internal barrier – and ask. At first, silently, with some movements to direct, internally not even relaxing at all, but contracting in anticipation of refusal.Not that I was asking for something impossible: just caress in the right places and right, and not like in a movie. That barrier was explained by a number of reasons: negative experience, and difficult perception of men, and especially – in the value of myself: can I afford it? Am I worthy of this pleasure? Am I good enough to get it? It took a long time before I was able to entrust my pleasure to someone other than myself.

            What can get in the way

            Any traumatic experience is a source of tightness.You may not feel it at all and consider yourself the goddess of sex, but bad or absent relationship with your father, any violence, any disregard for value as a person and especially as a woman gives rise to an inner fear of rejection. The problem may seem like a trifle, but it is buried so deep that it will get in the way whenever it would be nice to just relax. Tightness, stiffness, expectation of failure and possible rejection of oneself – all these are obstacles on the way to orgasm.

            Separately, as it turned out, there is still a living myth that the whole idea of ​​sex was invented for one purpose – so that a woman could give a man pleasure.Sexism about sex, as ridiculous as it may sound, is especially powerful – and powerfully fueled by low self-esteem. But everyone, without exception, deserves a good attitude, care, orgasms and the most incredible sex – and this is all by default, and not depending on the KPI in the current quarter.

            Sexologists say that anorgasmia (inability to peak) is practically non-existent. Every sexologist dreams of meeting such a case: chances are 0.001% out of 100. Everything else is in their heads. Bad experiences, family patterns, society’s expectations, inner desires and the inability to fulfill them.There are a million reasons, and all can be dealt with.

            What to do with the body

            First, relax and stop waiting for an orgasm. There are too many shades of sex for the climax to be the only joy. To accustom yourself to this thought, you can purposefully catch examples of sexual pleasure (in reality, books and movies), relax and tell yourself (and at the same time feel) that this is good and pleasant.

            Sex coach Olga Zaitseva says that sexologists have a gradation of orgasms:

            1) it is felt smoothly: growing arousal, a peak (of varying severity) and a distinct decline.Nerve endings are either “sleeping” or are under tight control of consciousness.

            2) during the final discharge, the vaginal muscles contract.

            3) contractions in waves spread to the lower abdomen and to the thighs.

            4) the muscles contract up to the facial muscles and down to the fingertips.

            Zaitseva says that any emotions during sex are a way to release accumulated aggression, and there is no sex without aggression. And if you try to control yourself in any way during sex, any excitement comes to naught.You just have to feel what is happening, accept – or not do if “does not go”. Surprisingly, physiological barriers can be “shaken” in this way, letting go of control and allowing yourself to do everything.

            How to relax

            Research by neuroscientist Gert Holsteg using tomography showed that during orgasm, everyone’s brain changes. But if in men the centers of pleasure and other emotional reactions turn on, and the control of the process and the situation does not go anywhere, then in women the centers of fear, control and emotions in general are completely turned off.Blissful nothing. There is also a feedback: in order to achieve orgasm, a woman needs to be free from anxiety and stress. And psychotherapy helps the best here – my experience also speaks about this.

            Olga Zaitseva says that in very young girls the nerve endings of the clitoris lie at a certain depth. In adolescence, they develop under the influence of hormones, but often remain “dormant”. Intimate self-massage techniques help to awaken them. It is better to select the methodology and sequence with a sexologist.You cannot hold your breath – it is much better to breathe with a belly massage; there is no need to “try for the top five”, it is enough just to observe. This will help increase the strength and duration of the impulses during sex.

            “It is worthwhile to allocate 10 minutes 5 times a week for massage,” says Zaitseva, “and it would be nice to continue doing it for the rest of your life. If orgasm is easy to achieve with oral sex, but difficult with penetration, then you need to start massage from the labia and the clitoris, gradually approaching the vagina. And here it is important to act gradually: use grape seed oil (it is considered the most physiological for the intimate zone). Otherwise, the body will perceive the massage as another aggression and muffle impulses. “

            Yulia Yarmolenko, sex educator and author of sexual literacy programs, believes that most problems with orgasm and pleasure from sex arise from limiting beliefs received from the family, society etc. If a woman, having sex, feels shame and guilt, then it makes sense to work with this – for example, with a specialist.You can watch movies about sex, read popular science literature, learn to please yourself – and teach it to your partner.

            Read also:

            Personal experience: how to find a partner for sex through a mobile application

            Personal experience: how to want happily ever after

            All about the female orgasm

             It is important to talk about the female orgasm. Talking about it with a specialist is a hundredfold important.

            On the eve of the author’s seminar on the anatomy of the female orgasm, Ekaterina Bogomolova, a leading sexologist and body psychotherapist with 10 years of experience in psychotherapeutic and training practice, answers the editorial questions.

            What is the difference between male and female orgasms?

            I’ll probably start with the similarities between male and female orgasms. The right hemisphere is responsible for orgasmic pleasure in both sexes, presumably in the part of the brain called the amygdala. This structure is known to be responsible for many important functions, including the emotional sphere. According to research by scientists, the center of orgasm is primarily affected by external stimuli, signals coming through the organs of sight, hearing and touch.

            When impulses enter the brain, dopamine, a neurotransmitter responsible for the anticipation of pleasure, begins to be produced.

            If we talk about the orgasm itself, then it is a powerful nervous discharge, accompanied by muscle contractions and an increase in the level of serotonin and oxytocin, which is responsible for the emergence of feelings of closeness and affection.

            The right hemisphere is responsible for emotions, therefore, if a person restrains his feelings and manifestations in life, this forms internal tension and, of course, directly affects libido.And also, when the nervous system is suppressed from severe stress, a woman cannot relax in sex, and a man has difficulty ejaculating. In this we are alike.


            But the difference between a female and a male orgasm lies in the sensation itself. The male orgasm is better studied, it is always peak and short-lived, associated with ejaculation and, as a rule, means the end of sexual intercourse. A woman’s orgasm is multiple, wavy, wandering, on which the sexual intercourse may not end or even not happen at all.Also, our orgasms have different mechanics: for men, it is about muscle contraction, and for women, it is about contraction of the vagina.

            Men have only one variant of orgasm (the effect may be different, but the orgasm is one), while women share it: vaginal, clitoral, uterine and other variants. A woman most often has a mixed orgasm, because even with vaginal stimulation, the effect on the clitoris is very important.

            The spectrum of erogenous zones in men is very localized, while in women, erogenous zones are located throughout the body.Plus, these zones may not be fully disclosed, since the woman does not know herself very well. This is the reason that the first sexual intercourse in women, as a rule, does not end with orgasm and this ability develops gradually (it is believed that the peak of sensations occurs by the age of 35), and a healthy man has it every time at the moment of stimulation. Also, do not forget that a woman is more emotional and depends more on psychological factors and emotional background, place, entourage, state.

            Is this why they joke that the most erogenous zone is the brain?

            You can of course say so! As I said, in women, a lot depends on the visual and auditory component. It has been proven that the level of arousal increases when she sees or imagines something pleasant for herself (based on her experience earlier), the production of dopomin begins.

            What else does a female orgasm depend on?

            In short, from many things: both from personal variables and from the actual state.The first factor is how the woman physically feels. Are there any difficulties in health, in what state is her hormonal system, because it certainly directly affects orgasm.

            The space and environment where sexual intercourse takes place also greatly influences. This is our safety. But there may be nuances, for example, if a woman gets an orgasm exclusively in extreme conditions, then this is considered an issue worth paying attention to and, perhaps, contacting a specialist.I’m not talking about moments when you want to diversify your personal life a little, namely about situations when an orgasm happens only in an unsafe environment.

            Getting an orgasm directly depends on the accumulated experience: children, adolescents, the experience gained during the first sexual intercourse. When we talk about the first sexual experience, it is important to understand that the main emphasis should be on psychological readiness and on the atmosphere around the woman and the partner.

            Orgasm is also influenced by whether a woman is pregnant or has had a recent birth.It often happens that a woman during this period does not pay much attention to herself and her pleasure, and the difficulty with the orgasmic sensation is fixed.

            What changes in a woman’s sex life after childbirth?

            Of course, it is worth mentioning the hormonal background. Often, women during pregnancy can really want sex, but after childbirth, there can be a strong decline.

            We cannot write off the physiological consequences of childbirth – a woman needs some time to recover.Plus, when feeding, increased prolactin is produced, which gives a decrease in sexual desire and affects vaginal dryness, you need to know this, and use additional funds.

            And one of the most important factors is that a woman’s sense of self is changing, and it’s not only about sex, but also about life. She is in strong dependence with the baby, all her emotions and experiences are directed there. She loses a holistic sense of herself, and sex is very dependent on how we feel.Therefore, I recommend to couples who, for physiological reasons, can already have sex after childbirth, ask someone to take a walk with a stroller and stay alone at home, or put a nanny with a child and leave for a couple of hours to a hotel. So that the baby is not directly accessible for the woman. Then she gets the opportunity to relax.


            What if there is pleasure from the process, but no orgasm?

            We need to figure it out.First, it is necessary to understand what we mean by the concept of “no orgasm”: it has never been in life / it was there before, but now it doesn’t / sometimes it is, and sometimes it doesn’t.

            In the first two cases, we are dealing with such a violation as anorgasmia – the absence of orgasmic pleasure. There are several degrees: extreme, when there was no orgasm at all with any stimulation. This is considered a serious problem, it is worth working with a specialist with it. A milder degree, when there was pleasure before, but now it has disappeared.It is also worth disassembling what blocks, installations, fears, injuries are behind this phenomenon. There is almost always a reason.

            What is definitely not considered anorgasmia – when a woman gets an orgasm during cunnilingus, but at the same time worries that she does not have a vaginal orgasm. This is not a disease, but a slight confusion, because there is no wrong orgasm and a clitoral orgasm is considered as real as a vaginal one.

            Why is fake orgasm so common?

            I’ll start with historical facts – in the 19th century, orgasm was considered to be applied exclusively to men. Only somewhere in the twentieth century this concept began to be applied to women as well. The trend changed (thank God!), And the pleasure of the woman became as important as that of the man. There are more and more men for whom it is very important for a woman to be satisfied, and they also get great pleasure from it. This is very encouraging.

            On the other hand, a new problematic appears – a woman is now obliged to have an orgasm. If this does not happen every time, then something is wrong with her. And many women start to imitate pleasure.

            It often happens that when she has uncomfortable sensations in the process of sexual intercourse itself, she is embarrassed to tell the man about this – she is afraid of offending him. It can also cause a fake orgasm.

            Or just a woman knows that she never gets it, that it is a great difficulty for her, but she wants to be attractive to a man and give him some kind of nourishment, she imitates him.

            Also, the reason for imitation may be the fact that it is very difficult for a woman to talk about sex in general.For example, she grew up in a family where it was not accepted, sex was something shameful, or absent, for example. A woman develops an appropriate attitude towards sex, and how can we talk about true pleasure if, at the very thought of sexual intercourse, she feels discomfort or even disgust?


            Is it important to discuss your orgasm with a man and the reasons that contribute to it?

            Certainly.I will say more – if a woman expects a man to bring her an orgasm, then she is greatly mistaken. She herself must know how to stimulate her in order for an orgasm to take place, and talk about this to a man.

            If a woman is not familiar with her body, does not know how she gets it, then a relationship with the first man who guesses the stimulation necessary for her orgasm risks becoming codependent. A woman will hold on to the only one with whom she managed to get an orgasm, even if nothing but sex keeps them together.Or, after parting, a woman in a new relationship often remembers that one. Unfortunately, such cases are not uncommon.

            Therefore, a woman should know what her pleasure depends on. To do this, you need to explore yourself, know yourself and then bring it into the relationship. It is necessary to speak to a man, prompt, ask him. It can be difficult, it can be very difficult, but it is extremely important.

            Types of female orgasm: Difference from male, anorgasmia and the structure of the clitoris

            There is a lot of gossip about the female orgasm.If the ancient Chinese believed that a man loses his energy through a seed, then a woman, on the contrary, receives energy. Our society at the same time taboo the topic of sex, but at the same time desire is not lost on the way and there is a collective repression and local “explosions”. Women are charged with complete chastity and preservation of virginity before marriage, and men are more free and look for a way out of their sexual desires. Of course, this leads to all sorts of troubles and troubles.

            It often happens that sex ends when a man has reached a climax.His pleasure is in the foreground, and a woman’s orgasm is in the second, third or even tenth plane. This trend in a progressive and empathetic environment is crumbling rather smoothly, but it still does not lose its relevance.

            It must be remembered that libido (sex drive) does not depend on gender. A random man may have a low libido threshold, while a woman has a high one. Although, on average, we observe that it is higher in men.

            The difference between orgasm in women and men

            It should be noted that the female orgasm is longer than the male, because it can last up to 23 seconds, when in men it is 2-3 times shorter.Also, women are able to experience multiple orgasms. Multiple orgasms are orgasms more than once in a row. This is explained by the fact that a man needs time (for physiological reasons) to recover from coitus. When a woman’s arousal lasts longer and she can (or she can) be brought to orgasm many times.

            In short, it is easier for a woman to cum several times in a row, because she does not spend energy on renewing a new portion of semen.

            Orgasm is an impulse in the brain, as a result of which dopamine is actively produced (a sense of pleasure and pleasure). An orgasm test helps you feel close and attached to the partner with whom you have experienced it.

            The female orgasm can be multiple, and if we take into account that it is more elusive and mysterious than the male, it turns into a “search for the lost orgasm.” Studies show that women tend to orgasm more often by adulthood, when sexual and tactile experience accumulates.The main thing is that by this time she is establishing a harmonious connection with the body.

            It should be reminded that sex is a sphere of the unconscious, where you are more likely representatives of the elements, and not full-fledged personalities. Fears, reflections and tension are not necessary here at all and can even harm.

            Does vaginal orgasm exist?

            Sexologists, and all and sundry, often divide orgasms into types: clitoral , vaginal and even uterine orgasm.Sigmund Freud told us a lot and is very badly scolded, but he believed that the clitoral orgasm is a sign of infantilism. He stated that you need to finish deeper and in a mature way, that is, in a vaginal way. Also, it has not been proven whether the cherished G-spot actually exists, with the stimulation of which a woman receives the keys to the gates of heaven, as sexologists report.

            Also share myotonic orgasm , which is achieved by strong compression of the thigh muscles. Achievement of myotonic orgasm occurs quickly enough compared to regular partner sex, where there is no way to squeeze or keep the hips in tension.

            Some sexologists, especially of the 20th century, believed that vaginal orgasm did not exist. Arguing this by the fact that the clitoris is not only the head, but its two large legs and the corpus cavernosum, which cover the internal structure of the vagina. That is, not only the clitoris is stimulated during vaginal sex, which means that the orgasm is always clitoral, not vaginal.

            Some studies show that clitoral and vaginal orgasms are different because they involve different areas of the female genital organs.You need to understand that these are rather subjective things that are difficult to measure and prove.

            Some people report that during vaginal orgasm in a woman there is a contraction of large muscle groups, in contrast to the clitoral. Today, it is generally accepted that the orgasm for women is the same, although its amplitude is different: from short and imperceptible to an orgasm of such force that a woman loses consciousness, shuddering from the blows. Do not forget that many reasons affect the possibility of having an orgasm: the attitude of the partner, the temperature of the room, smells and the ability to turn off the head.

            If you go back to antiquity, you can recall that men found the clitoris on a woman’s body, “lost” it, and then found it again. The clitoris developed a special hostility towards itself in the dark times of the Middle Ages and received the title of “Devil’s nipple”, and the carriers of swollen clitoris were mistaken for witches.

            Spontaneous orgasm and anorgasmia

            Uncontrolled spontaneous orgasm in women occurs without direct stimulation under certain conditions. For example, when passing a difficult test or in other stressful situations.

            Anorgasmia is considered to be the absence of orgasm during sex. Moreover, some have its complete absence with any type of stimulation, and some have only partial.

            The most common form of anorgasmia in women is the inability to get an orgasm during penetrative sex, but the ability to achieve it during masturbation. Most women reach orgasm more easily with manual stimulation or cunnilingus. For many women, this is the only way to achieve orgasm.

            By the way, the concentration of the public on virginity slows down sexual development, spreads unnecessary fears in girls, which can lead to disorders and pain during intercourse, which are of a psychological nature.

            Illustrations: Artist Polly Nor

            90,000 Signs of a female orgasm. How to recognize a simulator

            Not every sexual intercourse for a woman ends with an orgasm. However, sometimes it happens that representatives of the fairer sex simulate it so skillfully that men do not even know about it … In order to understand this issue, American scientists recently conducted an interesting study in which they tried to shed light on the problem of the causes and signs of simulation orgasm.

            What are the reasons for this behavior? According to the obtained data, imitation of orgasm during sex in women is observed 90,335 in one case in ten 90,336. Sexologists and psychologists who have analyzed this phenomenon point to several reasons for .

            First, so that sex will end sooner. This reason is the most common. It’s no secret that female sexuality is more vulnerable than male sexuality: female libido is strongly influenced by psychological factors associated with problems at work, illness of children, and others.In such a situation, she can simulate an orgasm, because this is the easiest way to complete intercourse as soon as possible, which requires strength and does not bring pleasure at all.

            Secondly, for the sake of a man. It often happens that a woman feigns pleasure, because she is afraid of offending a man by her confession that she does not feel anything during sex. Or the other side: the woman does it as a reward for all the efforts of her partner. Psychologists believe that such behavior is not beneficial, but can only lead to relationship problems.After all, someday the deception will be revealed. In addition, for the woman herself, the need to constantly hide the true state of affairs can turn into psychological stress or even stress.

            Third, in order not to seem frigid. This common reason, according to experts, is overwhelmingly more a psychological problem, often without physiological roots – pure frigid women are extremely rare. This happens when in the past a remark was made to a woman about her coldness, which entailed a feeling of guilt for her own “inferiority” and, instead of looking for means and ways that would help “shake up” her sensuality, – imitates orgasm with the aim of not knowing about it her partner.

            What criteria can be used to understand that a woman imitates an orgasm?

            Orgiastic sensations in women are of an unusually diverse nature, the palette of these sensations is much richer and more sophisticated than in men. Each woman is individual and during orgasm experiences her own unique feelings. However, scientists were able to identify signs by which it is possible to suspect a simulated orgasm.

            Intonation and voice . If a woman is strong, strong-willed and has a strong character, then during orgasm, her soundtrack will more likely resemble the screams of a wild cat than melodious groans.This is due to the fact that at the moment of climax, the range of her voice is able to fantastically expand involuntarily.

            Breath . During a female orgasm, such changes occur: the heart beats faster and breathing becomes similar to that after a hundred-meter run in a very short period of time. If breathing is even and calm, as during sleep, not everything is in order with an orgasm.

            Movement . A woman experiencing an orgasm, at the peak of arousal, often closes her eyes, throws her head back significantly, arching her neck.She has a reddening of the face or a slight blush. The mouth may bend, as if in pain, the pupils at this time are constricted. In addition, the female orgasm can be felt by the contraction of the vaginal muscles, even though it does not last long. If the orgasm is strong enough, the woman experiences convulsive twitching of the arms and legs, and pulsation in the lower abdomen is possible. Without these signs, a woman most likely does not feel anything special.

            Poses . The fact is that 70% of the fairer sex are not able to experience orgasm only during vaginal sex in all positions without exception and without additional stimulation purely due to anatomical features.

            Behavior after orgasm . A woman who has actually experienced an orgasm will not jump out of bed immediately after the climax, since she physiologically needs 5-10 minutes to recover in the literal sense of the word.

            Summing up, psychologists insist that in order to achieve harmony in sexual life, the relationship of partners should be built on complete trust. If a man has the slightest suspicion that a woman is faking an orgasm, it is imperative to discuss it.Surely, we can jointly find a solution to this problem. The main thing is to want

            Source: “Signs of female orgasm”, medical social network “New Medicine” http://novmed.net

            90,000 without orgasms, women get fat and become grumbles

            Photo: Evgenia GUSEVA

            There was no sex in the USSR, it is not customary to talk about it in Russia, and people who have problems in their sexual life do not know who to turn to for help … Our expert sexologist and clinical psychologist Angela Cetina tells how she helps patients find a partner, establish and diversify their intimate life, learn to use various sexual practices and techniques.

            Sexologist and clinical psychologist Angela Cetina

            “Men come to flirt”

            It is terribly annoying when sexologists are confused with a proctologist, gynecologist or urologist. This is due to the fact that people do not understand what exactly a sexologist is doing. Yes, I am related to medicine as I am a clinical psychologist. I am related to pharmacology, but I am not a doctor who, during a psychological consultation, will examine your breasts or prostate.

            Almost every day men write to me who, in fact, do not need a doctor.They want to flirt, meet, go somewhere with me. They see a young, beautiful girl with a sexy, in their opinion, profession, and they think that she is ready for anything. I got used to it for a long time and I just ignore such clients.

            “Women get fat without orgasms”

            Often girls turn to, for whom the main man in life is the refrigerator. Delicious food replaces sex, orgasm, emotions. I ate a roll and forgot that there was no intimacy for a year. And the orgasm – and even more.But there is a fleeting joy in the bakery around the corner.

            Without a regular sex life, a woman not only becomes a grumpy, but also begins to experience weight problems. The sides and stomach do not fit into jeans, and the second chin is in the photo. A woman is embarrassed to get acquainted, to enter into intimacy with a man. And if he is in the same bed with him, there are blocks, tension.

            By the way, the belief that sex is losing weight is not a myth, but on condition that a person leads a healthy lifestyle.At the time of orgasm, our body produces many hormones that suppress hunger. Although some, on the contrary, experience a feeling of hunger after sex. But this is a healthy appetite, you won’t get fat here.

            If a girl is seized by the lack of orgasm even with a partner, psychological problems are likely here. Perhaps for her, an orgasm is a symbol of being loved, or she lacks attention. There was a client, and there was a guy, and there was sex, but she didn’t get an orgasm and that’s all – burgers, chocolates.We started to figure it out, it turned out that the guy works a lot, spends little time with her. She was lonely, an orgasm for her became a symbol of being loved. To cope with the problem, you need to look deeper – what need a person has, that he sticks to.

            You may be interested in:

            “A plumber can sleep with clients, but a sexologist cannot!”

            Sexologists and psychologists do not sleep with their clients because this is a violation of the ethical code. One of the rules is not to have sexual relations with a client.If this happens, then the choice is discussed in an amicable way: either you and I are together, but without therapy, or with therapy, but we do not intertwine our feelings and the work process.

            Sexologist and clinical psychologist Angela Cetina

            On the other hand, yes, it turns out unfairly that, for example, a plumber can sleep with a client, but a psychologist cannot. This is because we are not dealing with a crane, but with the human psyche, with what is in your head. For the purity of psychotherapy, in order to remain as objective as possible, it is better not to mix relationships.

            “Young people sleep with smartphones, not with each other”

            Unfortunately, this is now quite the norm. The smartphone gives the illusion that you are not alone in this world. It seems like you communicate, maintain social connections. Everything is easier on social media than in real life. There is a distance, time to think about the answer, you do not need to get close to someone physically.

            I had a client who had a virtual relationship for 5 years. With different men. And in all the time she never went out on a date! She was afraid of physical contact, was very insecure, considered herself ugly, did not want to be rejected.But from morning to evening, she “stuck” in messengers with virtual lovers.

            Many people follow the path of least resistance, they are afraid to work on themselves, overcome fears, go to a meeting. They have a “favorite” who is always there, in their pocket or in their bag.

            “Love without sex also happens”

            If we are not talking about psychological trauma and problems, then yes, there are people with such a structure of the psyche. For them, a loved one is something higher. With sexual intimacy, they are afraid to defile the “divinity” of their chosen one.

            About female frigidity

            It happens that a woman is biologically incapable of experiencing sexual desire. There are such cases, but they are extremely rare. When women come to me with this problem, I first send them to an MRI to understand how the brain functions. It is important to understand whether this is a physiological disorder or, after all, a psychological problem. There was a client who hated sex, disgusted him. Hatred grew gradually and at some point reached the point that she could not even look at men.It turned out that the reason is the psychological trauma received in childhood. She saw her stepfather raping her mother.

            “I’m a girl and I don’t want to decide anything”

            For so many years of practice, I got used to various pathologies, but one situation shocked even me. Wealthy 45-year-old man, a successful businessman. There is a wife and a child, outwardly everything is all right. Although he has had a lover for two years now. During the consultation process, we discovered the subpersonality of a little girl. He asked me to address him, an adult man, as a little girl.She said: “My dear, little girl, calm down, everything will be fine. Complain to me. ”

            That is, he crushed the feminine essence in himself so much that she broke through only in a dialogue with me. We calmed this subpersonality with the help of a special technique.

            Each of us has subpersonalities: bouncer, victim, alcoholic, revolutionary. For example, I had a patient who was ideal for everyone, sweet, kind. But as soon as she drank, she turned into a daring bouncer, who could give in the nose, and pour wine by the collar.