3 ways we sabotage relationships (and 3 ways to kick the habit)

Popular culture has plenty of examples of people sabotaging their romantic relationships.

In the movie 10 Things I Hate About You, Kat says she has no interest in romantic engagements. Then Patrick asks about her dating style:

You disappoint them from the start and then you’re covered, right?

But as the plot develops, we learn this is Kat’s way of protecting herself, to cope with the trauma of a previous relationship.

Other people move through relationships searching for “the one”, making quick assessments of their romantic partners.

In the TV series The Mindy Project, Mindy is a successful obstetrician and gynaecologist with poor relationship skills. She has a trail of relationship failures, and partners who did not measure up. She is looking for the “perfect” love story with unrealistic expectations.

Jacob moves through sexual partners night after night to avoid a serious commitment, in the movie Crazy, Stupid, Love.

Another example is Jacob in the movie Crazy, Stupid, Love. He quickly moves through sexual partners night after night to avoid a serious commitment.

In the same movie, we meet Cal and Emily, who stayed in a marriage long term but had become complacent. This caused them to split, but once they started to work on themselves, they found a way to reconnect.

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What is relationship sabotage?

My team and I define relationship sabotage as self-defeating attitudes and behaviours in (and out of) relationships. These stop relationships succeeding, or lead people to give up on them, justifying why these relationships fail.

Most importantly, relationship sabotage is a self-protection strategy for a win-win outcome.

For example, you might feel you win if the relationship survives despite your defensive strategies. Alternatively, if the relationship fails, your beliefs and choice to protect yourself are validated.

Why do we do this?

Why do we sabotage love?

We found people sabotage their relationships mainly because of fear. This is despite wanting an intimate relationship.

As Sam Smith says in their song Too Good at Goodbyes:

I’m never gonna let you close to me

Even though you mean the most to me

‘Cause every time I open up, it hurts.

However, fear responses are not always visible or easy to identify. This is because our emotions are layered to protect us. Fear is a vulnerable (and core) emotion, which is commonly hidden beneath surface (or secondary) emotions, such as defensiveness.

Recognise any of these patterns?

Relationship sabotage is not a “one off” moment in a relationship. It happens when fear triggers patterns of responses from one relationship to the next.

My research highlights three main patterns of attitudes and behaviours to look out for.

Defensiveness

Defensiveness, such as being angry or aggressive, is a counter-attack to a perceived threat. People who are defensive are motivated by wanting to validate themselves; they are looking to prove themselves right and protect their self-esteem.

Threats that trigger defensiveness are a previous relationship trauma, difficulty with self-esteem, loss of hope, the possibility of getting hurt again, and fear of failure, rejection, abandonment and commitment. However, defensiveness is an instinctive response that sometimes makes sense.

People can believe relationships often end up in “heart break”. One research participant was tired of being criticised and having their feelings misunderstood:

I protect myself from getting hurt in a romantic relationship by putting up all of my walls and not letting go of my guard.

Trust difficulty

Having difficulty trusting others involves struggling to believe romantic partners and perhaps feeling jealous of their attention to others. People who feel this way might not feel safe and avoid feeling vulnerable in relationships.

This is often a result of past experiences of having trust betrayed, or expecting to be betrayed. Betrayals could be as a result of small deceptions (a white lie) or bigger deceptions (infidelity).

People explained choosing not to trust, or being unable to trust, was a way of avoiding being hurt again. One research participant said:

I no longer trust my romantic partners 100%. I will always be thinking about what I would do if they left or cheated, so I never get fully invested.

Lack of relationship skills

This is when someone has limited insight or awareness into destructive tendencies in relationships. This may be a result of poor relationship
role models, or negative interactions and outcomes from previous relationships.

One research participant said:

What used to hold me back was lack of experience, poor relationship examples (from my parents), and my own immaturity.

But relationship skills can be learned. Healthy relationships can help foster relationship skills and in turn lessen the effects of defensiveness and trust difficulty.

The cost of relationship sabotage

Relationship sabotage does not necessarily end relationships. This depends on whether these patterns are long term.

For singles, relationship sabotage might prevent you from starting a relationship in the first place. For people in relationships, a long-term effect of repeatedly using self-defensive strategies might be to see your fears turn into reality, like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Difficulties in intimate relationships are among the top main reasons for seeking counselling. Such difficulties are also significant contributors to anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts.

So, what we can you do about it?

I have seen countless testimonials from people who sabotaged their relationships and felt helpless and hopeless. But here are three ways to do something about it:

• insight: we need to know who we are first, and the “baggage” we bring to relationships. Be honest with yourself and your partner about your fears and what you might be struggling with

• expectations: we need to manage our expectations of romantic engagements. Understand what you can realistically expect of yourself and your partners

• collaboration: you need to collaborate with your partner to implement strategies to maintain a healthy relationship. This means learning how to communicate better (across all topics, while being honest) and showing flexibility and understanding, especially when dealing with conflict.

Above all, believe you can have healthy relationships and deserve to be loved.

If this article has raised issues for you, or if you’re concerned about someone you know, call Lifeline on 13 11 14.

Correction: Sam Smith’s gender pronoun has been corrected to “their”.

7 Signs and How to Spot Them

• One sign of self-sabotaging is obsessing over your partner’s location when they’re not around.
• Conversely, you may be distant with your partner and not put any effort into the relationship.
• It may also be a sign of self-sabotage if you are nitpicky or overly critical of your partner.

If you’ve noticed that you’re doing more harm than good in your love life — like not putting effort into partnerships or getting unreasonably angry with your partner —  you might be self-sabotaging. 

Self-sabotaging is usually a defense mechanism. The goal of self-sabotage isn’t necessarily to end the relationship, rather you might act this way because you feel like you don’t deserve your partner or a happy relationship. Subconsciously, you may be trying to drive your partner away emotionally, so you’re not devastated if they abandon you

This is why self-sabotaging behaviors are most common if you have low-self esteem, haven’t worked through past hurts, or have abandonment issues, says Kristin M. Davin, a psychologist and relationship therapist in private practice

If you’re self-sabotaging, it isn’t necessarily a sign that your relationship should end. More often it’s about your own struggles (such as unresolved trauma or a negative sense of self) that need to be addressed and worked through, Davin says.  

Since self-sabotaging is usually subconscious, it can be hard to spot — so here are seven warning signs.

1. You look for things to be wrong and are overly critical

Even if your partner treats you well and you’re fond of them, you may get nitpicky, Davin says.  

In fact, a 2021 review found that “partner attack” such as criticism is one of the most common behaviors that self-sabotagers engage in. 

“Sure, we all have some things we could be doing better, but a person will critique their partner as a way to damage the relationship and drive a wedge between the two of you,” Davin says. 

Davin says some ways this might present are:

• You nitpick about small things, even finding fault with how they make the bed or do the dishes.
• You’re judgemental towards them, judging things they do or say without gathering all the facts and hearing the whole story.
• You constantly look for flaws and criticize them, highlighting the ways they “fall short” instead of giving them compliments on the positives.
• You give them negative feedback, pointing out things they could do differently or “better” such as with work or around the house. 
• You remind them of things they did wrong in the past.

2. You obsess over your partner’s actions when they’re not around

Davin says this is common if you have unresolved past hurts like if your ex partner cheated on you and you don’t trust your current partner to be loyal.

David D. Bowers, a psychologist who specializes in relationships at Thriveworks Polaris, says that this unfair mistrust could manifest in various ways including:

• Regularly worrying about who your partner is seeing when you’re not with them.
• Ruminating over who your partner is texting or thinking about when you’re not around.
• Routinely checking your partner’s location when there isn’t a real need for it. 

3. You purposefully avoid conflict 

Never arguing isn’t necessarily a sign of a healthy relationship.

“If you find yourself routinely choosing not to express your thoughts and feelings in order to maintain the peace, it’s very possible that in hindsight you will see this as having accidentally sabotaged the relationship,” Bowers says. 

Bowers says that avoiding potential conflict prevents you from having important conversations. 

For example, it could hurt your relationship if you:

• Don’t voice your concerns about major decisions as a couple, such as moving
• Stay silent about having different political opinions from your partner
• Choose not to tell your partner your true feelings about having children

Davin says when you don’t share what’s bothering you, you’re not giving your partner a chance to discuss and resolve any conflict, which can ultimately lead to the downfall of the relationship.

4. You get disproportionately angry at your partner 

On the flip side of avoiding conflict and keeping feelings to yourself, you may find yourself getting unnecessarily angry or frustrated at your partner for minor things, which is also a sign of self-sabotage.

Bowers says some examples of this are:

• Blowing up at your partner when they’re a few minutes late
• Getting very angry if they forget an item or two from a grocery list
• Becoming overly upset if a text message isn’t responded to in a timely fashion

Subconsciously, this could be because you have a fear of rejection and abandonment, and by getting angry and causing the problems yourself, you feel like you’re “beating them to the punch,” Bowers says.

5. You have unrealistic expectations 

It’s normal to have expectations of your partner in a healthy relationship. However, those who self-sabotage often have unrealistic and lofty expectations for their partner, Davin says.  

Davin says some examples of this are:

• You expect them to be your “everything” — always providing all the emotional support you need and meeting all of your needs.
• You expect them to read your mind and don’t outwardly express your needs. 
• You expect them to do all the “heavy lifting” in the relationship such as always doing all the chores around the house, making date plans, or initiating sex.

When you focus on how your partner isn’t giving you the “perfect” relationship, you may end the relationship prematurely or drive them away. 

6. You feel unworthy

When you have low self-esteem and you feel unworthy of a healthy and happy relationship, you may have the thought, “Everyone eventually leaves me, so why not get ahead and do things that will make the person leave?” Davin says.

People who self-sabotage relationships may not feel worthy of a happy relationship, Bowers says. 

“In a nutshell, any of us might have received messages growing up that set us up to feel we’re somehow flawed, different, or just not up to having the kind of happiness others appear to have and merit,” Bowers says.

You may have thoughts such as:

• “This would be different if I were a better person.”
• “I’m just not a good enough person for this partner.”
• “This is just the best I deserve.”

A 2016 review found that people with low self-esteem in a romantic relationship may believe their partner views them as poorly as they view themselves, ultimately leading them to act out in ways that make their partner unhappy.

7. You don’t put a lot of effort into the relationship

If you’re putting all your energy into anything other than the relationship, you might be sabotaging the partnership. 

Davin says some examples of this are:

• Spending time with someone else who might jeopardize your relationship (such as by cheating)
• Hiding behind your work and becoming overly invested so there’s less time for the relationship
• Using all your mental and emotional energy outside of the relationship by consistently putting other things (like your hobbies) or people (such as friends or family members) in front of your partner.

Davin says if you purposely find other things to do, this creates a rift in the relationship where your partner doesn’t feel important. 

Insider’s takeaway

If you find yourself self-sabotaging your relationship, it’s important to take a step back and recognize this. Acknowledging the destructive behavior is the first step. 

Then, you can move on, get introspective, and begin to understand why you’re self-sabotaging in the first place and whether the relationship is the right fit for you. 

“The one constant throughout all of your relationships is you. Sometimes some serious self-reflection can lead to insight about your unique ways of self-sabotaging relationships,” Bowers says.

If you need help working through past trauma and current relationship issues, don’t hesitate to seek the help of a mental health professional. 

Ashley Laderer

Ashley Laderer is a freelance writer from New York who specializes in health and wellness. Follow her on Twitter @ashladerer

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Why We Sabotage Relationships Before They’ve Even Started – The-Femme

Despite all of our unique differences, most single people have at least one thing in common: they look for a partner who attracts them, with who have a great connection and with whom they can be in a serious relationship. The point is that we ourselves do a lot of things that can sabotage new, potentially good relationships before they even begin to develop.

No one is trying to deliberately sabotage relationships. In fact, sabotage is an unconscious attempt to protect oneself. As humans, we are wired to respond to potential threats, whether those threats are physical or emotional.

New relationships can be difficult. There are unanswered questions, the pressure to find a partner, and often it’s a time when everything seems precarious and you don’t know where the relationship is or where it’s going. This can be an alarming time.

Depending on the quality of their upbringing and past relationships (including the family system), many people are programmed to respond to stress when they fear emotional trauma. For many people, the fear of rejection or the fear of absorption (an overwhelming level of attention and dependence on another person) can cause them to act unconsciously. Some common unconscious beliefs that cause fear and resistance that lead to relationship sabotage include:

• I am impossible to love. Nobody will love me if they see the real me.
• I have to give up myself in order to be in a relationship. I don’t want to lose my freedom.
• I can’t handle rejection. I don’t want to get hurt.

If any of these attitudes sound familiar to you, explore the following five ways we sabotage our romantic relationships before they develop.

Look for what is wrong in a relationship .

We tend to get more of what we pay attention to. We live in a world that we create by simply choosing what we focus on. Always looking for what’s wrong in a person is a relationship killer. Noticing red flags is helpful at the beginning of a relationship, but dwelling on the other person’s harmless qualities can cause problems. Remember why you like him and try to accept his flaws.

Expect your partner to think and act like you.

Throughout our development, we form many ideas of what relationships should look like, often based on our unrealistic standards. It is very important to give your partner the space to have an opinion. When it comes to reconciling your differences, you have three solid options: celebrate them, soften them up, or destroy them. Fred Rogers said it best: “Love is not a state of perfect care. This is an active action, a struggle. Loving someone means striving to accept that person exactly as he or she is right now.”

Look for a special meaning in everything.

Repeat after me: assumptions are useless. Assumptions are a projection of our own reality. Whether you’re making special sense of the way the message is written, angry that your phone call wasn’t answered quickly enough, or you’re overanalyzing your last date, do yourself a favor and walk away from those musings. Looking for something wrong with everything is one of the most common things that cause unnecessary anxiety when a relationship should be fun.

Play games.

Let’s face it, we’ve all done this in some way because we wanted to make sure the person liked us. Not answering someone’s call or text for a period of time to seem “cooler” or to get revenge because they answered you late is a bad idea. Lead by example. Sincerity is one of the most important things in a relationship, including in the beginning.

Expect too much too soon.

Whether it’s spending time together, constant communication throughout the day, you need to accept that everyone moves at their own pace for their own reasons. Sometimes one person is more confident and wants things to move faster. I know it can be difficult, but the best thing you can do for yourself in a situation like this is to slow down and manage your anxiety.

Love is not a state of ideal care. This is an active action, a struggle. Loving someone means striving to accept that person exactly as he or she is right now.

Good news? It is possible to recover from such types of behavior. This can be done by first recognizing that the common denominator in the above examples is fear. Before you get too demoralized or start blaming yourself for everything, remember what I mentioned earlier – what we bring to a relationship is directly related to things from our past. You don’t sabotage the relationship on purpose. But, if we really want to grow, we must be willing to dig deep. We can gain a tremendous amount of insight by looking at our most ingrained influences and be prepared to challenge our oldest defenses.

Here are some ways to practice this:

Notice self-judgment. Try to be kinder and more compassionate towards yourself. When you can accept your painful feelings with understanding instead of judgment, you won’t be so afraid of being hurt.
Consciously perceive mistakes and failures as the key to success, and not as a definition of your value. Give yourself permission to fail. Failures and mistakes show us where we need to grow, they are not indicators of your intelligence or worth.
Change your own definition of your value. Define yourself by loving actions you do for yourself and others, not by the result of actions.

If these practices seem too difficult for you, and most likely they are, consider seeking help. Working with a therapist can be incredibly helpful in healing past wounds that are causing these unconscious behaviors in the first place.

When it comes to finding love, you don’t have to be your own worst enemy. If you look at yourself in the mirror and measure yourself against these behaviors, your love life will be happier, healthier, and ultimately more fulfilling.

Why we undermine our relationships and how to stop doing it

Relationship

November 26, 2022

Psychologists’ advice for those who do not know why personal life constantly turns into disappointments.

Many perceive love as some kind of external force. She “pierces us like an arrow” or “covers us like an element.” It seems that nothing depends on us and we are doomed to repeat the same mistakes again and again. However, such a belief prevents you from seeing your actions from the outside and changing something for the better.

“I took for granted that in the end I would be abandoned, that everything would end in failure,” recalls psychologist Raquel Peele, who, in her own words, engaged in “romantic self-sabotage” for quite some time. Driven by a sense of doom, she ended the relationship as soon as the slightest difficulty arose. Many do the same without realizing the reasons, and there may be several.

Why We Undermine Our Relationships

We Fear Intimacy

Although intimacy is a human need, some people associate it with negative rather than positive experiences. This naturally causes a desire to protect oneself, that is, to break off relationships or avoid them altogether.

The most common fear of intimacy stems from difficult relationships with parents or caregivers. For example, if they violated the child’s personal boundaries, neglected him, shamed him or frightened him. Trust with them was destroyed and there was a belief that loved ones will inevitably hurt or leave when support is most needed.

“Even when we don’t remember these early events, the emotional memory persists,” says psychotherapist Mercedes Coffman. “It triggers a heightened pain response in romantic relationships that feels overly harsh to other people, and sometimes to ourselves. This pain drives us to sabotage relationships that could potentially grow into something wonderful. ”

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We are afraid to experience pain

On the one hand, it can be caused by a partner, because we show him our most vulnerable sides. On the other hand, it can hurt us if something happens to him.

Also, when we get close to someone, it “shifts our lithospheric plates.” As a result, a dormant volcano of repressed emotions that we have been hiding away for years may awaken.

In order for the eruption not to destroy relationships, we need to look at our old scars and understand how they affect our behavior now. Because the mechanisms that we have developed for protection interfere with building a connection with a new person. They fence us off not only from emotions and pain, but also from intimacy with a partner.

We are afraid of losing ourselves

This fear is often associated with overprotective parents. At the same time, they can be loving and generous, but do not allow the child to make choices and decisions on his own. Constant control on their part deprives the most important for the development of the feeling that the child’s own point of view and his needs are valued.

In adulthood, this fear causes intimacy problems. It may seem to a person that relationships and a partner “strangle” him, deprive him of his own identity or the ability to make independent decisions.

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Our inner critic is too active

He undermines our self-confidence by criticizing appearance, skills, character, desires. Sometimes the inner critic is like a cruel coach: “You are pathetic. Nobody wants to be with you.” And sometimes to a comforting parent: “Better stay at home. You are fine on your own.” In any case, he does not allow you to get close to a potential partner, reminding you to always be on the alert.

It is important to understand that the critic’s voice does not reflect the real state of affairs and even the real attitude towards oneself. It’s just a filter through which we look at the world. If you believe him, you will never be able to change the habitual patterns of behavior.

How self-sabotage manifests itself in life

You always keep escape routes in your head

For example, you avoid serious steps – meeting your parents, living together. There is always a thought in my head: “How can I get out of this relationship without any problems if something goes wrong?” Commitments will prevent you from doing this without emotional or financial consequences, so you avoid them.

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You gaslight

This is a form of emotional abuse that denies the other person’s experience. The gaslighter does not recognize the partner’s feelings as real and valuable. For example, a person says that they are upset because of a canceled date, and you respond: “You are not upset, everything happened because of you, you are just trying to put the blame on me. ”

Other common phrases: “You’re exaggerating”, “You just imagined!”, “You got it all wrong!” Naturally, this quickly gets boring.

You are constantly dating someone

And break up because of the slightest problem in order to immediately start a relationship with someone else. Your friends often lament that you still can’t settle down. And it seems to you that you cannot find someone with whom you can try to build a serious relationship.

You are very suspicious or very jealous

Worry that your partner is meeting with someone behind your back, demand an account of every step. If he spends time with someone without you, you do not find a place for yourself, constantly write messages, get jealous and ask for confirmation that he is not cheating. As a result, because of such control, all relations with you are terminated.

You criticize all your partner’s actions

You find something for criticism in everyone, because you are looking for perfection (which does not exist in reality). Either he cooks wrong, or he dresses wrong – it’s simply impossible to please you. In the end, the partner gives up and leaves.

You avoid problems

You convince yourself that everything is fine in a relationship, even when it is far from it. If your partner wants to discuss a problem, you avoid the conversation. Say that he is thinking or that everything will resolve itself. This inability to solve problems together causes resentment on the part of the partner and also leads to a break.

You constantly talk self-deprecatingly about yourself

Phrases like “I’m not as smart as you”, “I’m such a gouging, I don’t understand why you still tolerate me”, “You are only with me out of pity” and others like that about low self-esteem.

Most people are not particularly pleased to hear that they love someone worthless. If you continue to put yourself down despite constantly believing that you are worthy of love, your partner may break down and leave.

What to do to stop undermining relationships

Understand what type of attachment you have

According to the theory of attachment, there are four of them: secure, anxious, anxiety-avoidant, avoidant-rejection. Ideally, it would be nice to have a reliable one. People with this type of attachment feel they can trust others and be themselves even in close relationships.

“Childhood attachment patterns are reproduced in every relationship,” says Rhonda Milred, a psychotherapist who specializes in relationship problems. “People who have been abandoned by parents, who have experienced trauma or personal boundaries violated, most often develop insecure types of attachment, which makes it difficult for them to trust a partner.”

For example, the parent was either attentive or cold. The child could not foresee what kind of reaction his actions would cause. Because of this, an anxious type of attachment can develop, which is characterized by the need for frequent encouragement from the partner.

However, the type of attachment is not something fixed. According to Milred, you can develop a more reliable type if you work with your fears and get rid of false beliefs about relationships.

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Identify your triggers

Intimacy and self-sabotage may not manifest themselves until they are triggered by some kind of trigger – words, actions, or even a certain place. Try to keep notes and record those situations that make you do something harmful to the relationship. Think carefully about the situation:

• What exactly happened?
• How did you feel at that time?
• What were you afraid of?
• How likely was it that what you feared would actually happen?

Understanding your triggers makes it much easier to deal with reactions to them.

Distinguish between past and present

If a person has experienced some kind of trauma or just a difficult relationship in the past, he often reacts in new circumstances in the same way as he would have done in old ones. It is very important to remind yourself that you are now in a different situation with another person.

If you notice that your reaction is not commensurate with the trigger event, wait before doing anything. Say to yourself: “That was then, but now everything is different.” This will help you make decisions based on the present, not the past.

Learn to talk about your emotions

One of the hallmarks of relationship sabotage (and fear of intimacy) is the inability to talk about your feelings and difficulties. It seems that if you do not discuss them, you will not experience them. But expressing your emotions, fears, and needs is very important, especially if you want to be understood.

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Watch your reactions

Take a good look at yourself and your typical reactions with your partner. Do you show responses to the behavior of a partner that portend a breakup. These are criticism, defensiveness, contempt and silence (psychologist John Gottman called them “the four horsemen of the Apocalypse”).

If you have experienced these reactions, answer the following questions.

• How often do you show them?
• What kind of behavior do you lean towards on the machine?
• How do you see yourself and your partner when you do this?

The answers will help you see your behavior from the outside, and you will understand what specifically needs to be changed.

Begin to perceive love as cooperation

Think about it, do you feel that you and your partner are members of the same team? Can you be vulnerable with each other? Do you talk about the goals of your relationship? Naturally, in the beginning, when you just get to know each other, this is inappropriate.

But once you’re serious, try seeing the relationship as a work of art that you’re creating together in real time. With this attitude, they will no longer seem like something that just happens to you and is bound to end in disappointment.

Many saboteurs say they have experienced the frustrating feeling that they constantly feel like a breakup is just a matter of time.