What is the psychological term for blaming others. How does emotion regulation affect blame attribution. Why do some individuals consistently shift blame onto others. What are the key findings of recent studies on blame and emotion regulation. How can understanding these patterns help in personal growth and relationships.

The Psychology of Blame: Unpacking Projection and Defense Mechanisms

Blame-shifting is a common psychological phenomenon that many of us encounter in our daily lives. But have you ever wondered about the underlying mechanisms that drive this behavior? The psychological term for blaming others is often referred to as “projection,” a defense mechanism that allows individuals to attribute their own undesirable thoughts, feelings, or actions to someone else.

Projection serves as a protective shield, helping individuals avoid confronting their own shortcomings or negative emotions. For instance, a person harboring thoughts of infidelity might accuse their partner of cheating, effectively projecting their own internal struggle onto their innocent partner.

Why Do People Project Blame?

People project blame for various reasons:

• To avoid feelings of guilt or shame
• To maintain a positive self-image
• To cope with anxiety-provoking thoughts or feelings
• To deflect responsibility for their actions or mistakes

Understanding these motivations can help us approach blame-shifting behavior with more empathy and insight, potentially improving our relationships and personal growth.

The Role of Emotion Regulation in Blame Attribution

Recent research by Kaufmann and colleagues has shed light on the connection between emotion regulation and blame attribution. Their findings, published in Personality and Individual Differences, suggest that individuals who struggle with emotion regulation are more likely to shift blame onto others.

How does emotion regulation affect our tendency to blame others? The studies indicate that poor emotion regulators are more prone to making false attributions of responsibility, especially when experiencing negative emotions or anger. This tendency is less pronounced in individuals who are better at regulating their emotions.

Key Findings from the Research

1. Poor emotion regulators tend to blame others more when experiencing negative affect
2. Good emotion regulators are less affected by negative emotions in their blame attribution
3. The level of subjective anger correlates with increased blame-shifting in poor emotion regulators

These findings highlight the importance of developing effective emotion regulation skills as a means of reducing blame-shifting behavior and improving interpersonal relationships.

Action-State Orientation: A Key Factor in Emotion Regulation

The research introduces the concept of action-state orientation as a crucial factor in understanding blame attribution. What is action-state orientation, and how does it relate to emotion regulation?

Action-state orientation refers to an individual’s ability to adjust to demanding situations and regulate their emotions effectively. Action-oriented individuals tend to be more adept at managing their emotional responses, while state-oriented individuals may struggle more with emotional regulation.

Characteristics of Action-Oriented Individuals

• Better adaptation to challenging situations
• More effective emotion regulation
• Less prone to blame-shifting behavior
• Quicker recovery from negative emotional states

Understanding one’s action-state orientation can provide valuable insights into personal emotional regulation capabilities and potential tendencies towards blame attribution.

The PANTER Test: Measuring Blame Attribution

The studies employed a unique computer-based test called PANTER (Process-Analytic Neuroticism Test for Adults) to assess blame attribution. How does the PANTER test work, and what does it reveal about blame-shifting behavior?

The PANTER test simulates work scenarios where participants rate and select various tasks. It then measures projection and introjection through false attributions of task selection. This innovative approach allows researchers to quantify blame-shifting tendencies in a controlled environment.

Key Components of the PANTER Test

• Task selection and rating
• Self-selection vs. other-selection conditions
• Surprise memory tasks
• Measurement of false other-ascription (FOA) and false self-ascription (FSA) rates

By analyzing these components, researchers can gain valuable insights into an individual’s propensity for blame attribution and its relationship to emotion regulation.

The Impact of Negative Affect on Blame Attribution

The studies conducted by Kaufmann and colleagues consistently showed a strong correlation between negative affect and increased blame attribution, particularly among poor emotion regulators. How does negative affect influence our tendency to blame others?

Negative affect, characterized by emotions such as anger, irritation, or aggression, appears to amplify blame-shifting tendencies in individuals who struggle with emotion regulation. This suggests that managing negative emotions effectively could be key to reducing blame attribution.

Strategies for Managing Negative Affect

1. Mindfulness practices
2. Cognitive reframing
3. Deep breathing exercises
4. Physical activity
5. Seeking social support

By implementing these strategies, individuals may be able to better manage their negative emotions and reduce their propensity for blame-shifting behavior.

The Interplay of Positive and Negative Emotions in Blame Attribution

While much of the research focused on the impact of negative emotions, the studies also explored the role of positive affect in blame attribution. How do positive emotions influence our tendency to blame others?

The research suggests that positive emotions may serve as a buffer against blame-shifting tendencies. Individuals experiencing positive affect were generally less likely to engage in false other-ascriptions, even when faced with unattractive or challenging tasks.

Cultivating Positive Emotions

• Practicing gratitude
• Engaging in activities that bring joy
• Maintaining strong social connections
• Setting and achieving personal goals
• Engaging in acts of kindness

By fostering positive emotions, individuals may be able to enhance their emotional regulation capabilities and reduce their propensity for blame attribution.

Implications for Personal Growth and Relationships

Understanding the psychological mechanisms behind blame attribution can have significant implications for personal growth and interpersonal relationships. How can we apply these insights to improve our lives and interactions with others?

By recognizing our own tendencies towards blame-shifting and working on our emotion regulation skills, we can foster more honest and productive relationships. This self-awareness can lead to personal growth and improved conflict resolution abilities.

Steps for Reducing Blame-Shifting Behavior

1. Develop self-awareness of emotional states
2. Practice emotion regulation techniques
3. Cultivate a growth mindset
4. Take responsibility for personal actions
5. Seek professional help if needed

Implementing these steps can help individuals break the cycle of blame and foster more positive and constructive relationships with others.

Future Directions in Blame Attribution Research

While the studies by Kaufmann and colleagues have provided valuable insights into the relationship between emotion regulation and blame attribution, there is still much to explore in this field. What are some potential areas for future research?

Future studies could delve deeper into the neurological basis of blame attribution, explore cultural differences in blame-shifting behaviors, or investigate the long-term effects of chronic blame attribution on mental health and relationships.

Potential Research Topics

• Neuroimaging studies of blame attribution processes
• Cross-cultural comparisons of blame-shifting tendencies
• Longitudinal studies on the impact of blame attribution on mental health
• Development of targeted interventions for reducing blame-shifting behavior
• Exploration of blame attribution in specific contexts (e.g., workplace, family dynamics)

As research in this field continues to evolve, we can expect to gain even more insights into the complex psychology of blame attribution and its impact on our lives and relationships.

Understanding the psychological term for blaming others and the underlying mechanisms of projection and emotion regulation can provide valuable insights into human behavior. By recognizing these patterns in ourselves and others, we can work towards more constructive and empathetic interactions, fostering personal growth and stronger relationships. As we continue to explore the intricate connections between emotion regulation and blame attribution, we open up new possibilities for improving our emotional intelligence and interpersonal skills.

Why Some People Will Always Blame Others

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Have you ever wondered why some individuals blame others for their own shortcomings, mistakes, or misfortunes?

Perhaps it’s because blaming others is a defense mechanism—an unconscious process that protects the finger-pointer and blame-shifter from experiencing unpleasant feelings, such as guilt or shame.

Blaming is usually considered part of the defense mechanism called projection, which involves denying one’s own anxiety-provoking or negative characteristics and seeing them instead in others.

For instance, if your romantic partner has recurrent thoughts of infidelity (e.g., cheating on you with your best friend), they may engage in projection and accuse you of wanting or planning to cheat on them.

Are certain individuals more likely to shift blame onto others? Yes, according to a recent series of investigations by Kaufmann and colleagues: Blamers tend to have difficulties with emotion regulation. Published in Personality and Individual Differences, the research is explained below.

Investigating Emotion Regulation and Blame Attribution

Study 1

Sample: 111 college students

Measures:

Negative affect: Participants rated the statement, “Right now I feel [aggressive/angry/irritated],” on a 4-point scale.

Action-state orientation: The action control scale (12 items) was administered. A sample item is, “When I have lost something that is very valuable to me and I can’t find it anywhere: (a) I have a hard time concentrating on something else; (b) I put it out of my mind after a little while.” Note: Compared to state-oriented individuals, action-oriented people are often better at adjusting to demanding situations and regulating their emotions.

Process-Analytic Neuroticism Test for Adults: A computer test known as PANTER was used to assess blame. Participants imagined working as secretaries who were required to rate the appeal of 48 office activities (e. g., sharpening pencils). Half of the 48 tasks were chosen to be completed later. This selection was done either by the participants (self-selection task) or their “boss” (other-selection task). Subsequently, surprise memory tasks required determining if the items presented had been self-chosen or assigned.

Projection and introjection. “Projection was measured by FOA [false other-ascription] rates of self-selected unattractive items, when controlling for FOA rates of remaining unattractive items. Introjection was measured by FSA [false self-ascription] rates of assigned unattractive items, when controlling for FSA rates of remaining unattractive items.”

Study 2

Sample: 68 students (22 years old, on average; 79 percent female)

Measures:

Measured were negative affect, in addition to positive affect, which was assessed with the three adjectives of joyful, elated, and excited. Subsequently, the action-control scale was completed.

As previously, the PANTER test was given, but with some minor changes. Namely, instead of selecting secretarial tasks, the objective was to select activities for measuring intelligence.

There were two emotion induction conditions. Participants watched either a scene of someone receiving a gift or a scene of attempted rape (from the movie “Pretty Woman”).

Affect was assessed twice more. Between the two measurements, participants completed the projection and the surprise memory tests.

Study 3

Sample: 108 individuals (average age of 21; 87.0% females)

Measures:

The cover story again concerned working in an office. What changed was that participants listened to a mindfulness practice audio first. This was followed by rating their emotions/affect, action-state orientation, and attractiveness and selection of the activities.

Participants were then randomly assigned to one of two 10-minute interview conditions. In the negative affect condition, they tried to recall a very upsetting incident. In the positive affect condition, they tried to recall a very happy event. They then reported their affect before and after completing the projection test and PANTER.

Poor Emotion Regulators Blame Others More

Study 1 findings: Poor emotion regulators “made more false other-ascriptions of self-selected unattractive activities (FOAself) when experiencing negative affect.” This supports the view that individuals who have difficulty coping with negative emotions tend to blame other people for their own bad choices. Good emotion regulators, in contrast, were not affected in this way by negative emotions.

Study 2 findings: Poor emotion regulators “made more false other-ascriptions of self-selected unattractive items (FOAself) when reporting high compared to low subjective anger.” In contrast, good emotion regulators’ “FOAself rates for unattractive items were unaffected by their level of subjective anger. ”

Study 3 findings: Negative feelings appeared to “lead poor emotion regulators to project their own poor choices onto someone else.” After recalling a negative (versus positive) event, only poor emotion regulators “made more false other-ascriptions of self-selected unattractive items (FOAself).” Not surprisingly, blaming others appeared to reduce negative feelings.

Summary

The above research concluded that differences in emotion regulation predict whether we blame ourselves for our mistakes and misfortunes or we blame others. Specifically:

• When experiencing negative emotions, poor emotion regulators are more likely to assume other people are responsible for their own bad choices.
• Blaming others appears to reduce a person’s own negative emotions (e.g., anger, guilt, shame). This may explain why poor emotion regulators prefer to point fingers at others rather than hold themselves responsible.

Takeaway

The next time someone blames you and ignores their own part in a problem, consider the possibility that the behavior is a defense mechanism. Specifically, it may be a defense mechanism aimed at protecting the blame-shifter’s fragile ego from being overwhelmed with negative emotions such as guilt and shame. Simply put, the finger-pointing comes from a place of high vulnerability.

Of course, understanding the causes of blame-shifting does not make the behavior right or justified. But it may make it easier to not take the finger-pointing personally and to handle it more successfully.

What if you have a tendency to blame others for your failures? Then learning effective emotion-regulation strategies could be useful.

Also, because impaired emotion regulation can be a feature of mental illness (e.g., lack of flexible thinking in depression), seeking therapy may be helpful as well.

Facebook/LinkedIn image: Dragon Images/Shutterstock

How Narcissists Blame and Accuse Others for Their Own Shortcomings

The Mechanism

People with strong narcissistic tendencies and other dark personality traits tend to blame others for their own bad behavior. If they are lying, then they will accuse others of lying. If they are cruel, they will say that others are cruel. If they are stealing and scamming, then they will accuse others of stealing and scamming. They never take responsibility, and it’s always someone elses fault.

Besides ascribing their undesirable character traits to others, they will attribute the good characteristics of others to themselves. For example, if they see someone being nice, they will say, No, no, this person is not niceI am nice! If somebody is successful and happy, the narcissist will say, That person is such a loser and a fakebut I, I am really successful and authentic!

Psychologically speaking, this mechanism is called projection, and I talk more about it in my article titled 5 Ways Narcissists Project and Attack You.

A Short Story

While I was growing up, there was a guy who had protruding ears. He used to bully other, smaller children by making fun of their ears for sticking out, even though there was nothing wrong with their ears. He attributed his undesirable physical trait onto others and then attacked them for it. We can speculate from his behavior that he was likely bullied about his ears, and subsequently projected his insecurities onto others.

At the time, I was unfamiliar with psychological concepts like projection or defense mechanism, but it was still very strange and obvious that something was not right about him, the bullying, and the situation in general. And while this guy was a bully and a coward, I still understood on some level what was going on. I felt sad for him because his behavior towards others seemed to be a result of people bullying him. By acting out his suffering, he made others suffer.

These days, when people project their flaws and moral shortcomings onto others, or lack personal responsibility, or blatantly lie, I identify it instantly. It is clear what is going on and that they are trying to hide their undesirable characteristics or inflate their false image. I understand that they are trapped and struggling in their own web of lies and deception. But since they are adults who hurt others, including children, it is really pathetic, obvious, and tragic.

Narcissists, psychopaths, sociopaths and other people with dark personalities traits think that others are stupid and that they themselves are very cleverand in some ways they can be quite cunning. However, if you are familiar with this behavior, it is senseless and pathetic when you see them trying to bend and negate reality. It is also unfortunate to see how many people fall for it. Naturally, abusers prey on the weak and confused, and so the stronger your sense of self is, the less susceptible you are to gaslighting and other forms of manipulation.

Manipulation Tactics

1. Deflecting

By deflecting focus from their own wrongdoings, the manipulator expects that others will forget about them and will ignore or even forget about what happened. It can be illustrated by the following:

Dont examine me, look at this shiny thing here!

2. Putting Others into Defense Mode

Instead of addressing peoples concerns, admitting fault, or examining their own problematic behavior, the manipulator attacks others. By doing so, they hope to do two main things: (1) deflect attention from themselves and (2) make themselves look better by making others look worse.

They will say, No, no, youre the one doing horrible things, or, Yeah, but look at how awful this other person is.

Many people respond to criticism by trying to explain themselves. That is what the manipulator relies on. If you challenge the manipulators abusive behavior, they will attack you or someone else in the hope that you will stop examining them and start defending yourself or others.

Dont fall for it.

3. Lying to Look Better

As explained in the previous section, narcissistic manipulators try to make themselves look better by putting others down. If others look worse than they are, then maybe I will look better than I am.

But besides that, they also talk explicitly about themselves in an exaggerated and unnatural manner. They tend to brag a lot: how much money they have, how good at their job they are, how much better than others they are, how everyone is jealous of them, how everyone loves them, how great of a person they are, and so on.

The main mechanism here is lying, or at least gross exaggeration. If they have any accomplishments, they will exaggerate them, add to them, and make them look better than they are. However, they mostly just lie. They lie a lot. And at first it may seem confusing and you may even feel like you should give them the benefit of the doubt even if something looks suspicious. But after a while its clear that most, if not all, of the things coming out of their mouths are blatant lies.

4. Victim-Blaming and Playing the Victim

Narcissistic manipulators are fake, fragile, and they are cowards. They pretend to be strong, call others weak and sensitive, bully and abuse people, but if you challenge them about their lies or stand up for yourself, they immediately start playing the fragile victim. Look, Im being attacked! Youre the real bully! They are so mean to me!

As I write in the article How Narcissists Play the Victim and Twist the Story:

Narcissists also like to truncate the story and present only the bit where the aggrieved partyreactedto their toxic behavior, framing it as if thats where the story started.

They will shamelessly blame the actual victim by saying that they deserved it, or even gaslight by claiming that it didnt happen.

Summary

People with strong narcissistic traits are unwilling or unable to reflect on their shortcomings and destructive behaviors. As a result, they project, blame, and manipulate others to cope with their low and shaky self-esteem.

Manipulation tactics include deflecting, attacking and putting others into defense mode, lying about others being worse and themselves being better, victim-blaming, and playing the victim.

By resolving your own trauma and developing a stronger sense of self, you can become less prone to manipulation and narcissistic abuse.

Sources and recommendations

Victimblaming: what is it, why do people blame the victims

Many already know about such a phenomenon as victimblaming, and some of them know it firsthand. How does this psychological mechanism work, what makes people blame the victims and justify the violence? And what to do if you become a victim or witness of victim blaming? Psychotherapist Anna Bokova wrote about this especially for Forbes Woman.

What is victimblaming in simple terms?

Victimblaming is a term that refers to shifting responsibility for what happened to the victim of violence (physical, emotional, sexual). “It’s your own fault”, “You shouldn’t have provoked”, “What were you thinking about” – such phrases make the injured person feel shame and guilt for what happened to him. Already traumatized, the victim is re-traumatized instead of receiving support and restoring the lost sense of security. There is also the concept of victim shaming, when the victim is made to feel shame for what happened to him.

Blaming affects both women and men. But if the former are more likely to face manifestations of violence based on physical superiority, then the latter more often suffer from emotional pressure.

Victimblaming as an attempt to cope with chaos

The reasons for shifting responsibility from the aggressor to his victim lie in the unconscious, but quite natural and understandable desire of a person to protect himself from a collision with an uncontrollable world, the inability to control its chaos and injustice. From the point of view of psychology, the construction of patterns and logical chains helps to streamline this chaos for yourself and avoid experiencing the associated existential anxiety: “If you behave well, bad things will not happen to you”, “If you don’t provoke, then you won’t fly. ” From this desire to secure a clear reality for themselves, ideas are born to share responsibility between the victim and the perpetrator.

With the change of paradigms of public morality, new meanings come. Women are increasingly aware of the right to stand up to violence and are fighting to find the perpetrators guilty. The #MeToo movement has raised a whole slew of issues that were previously hushed up. Series about harassment, rape and domestic violence began to be filmed, show trials are being held. The names of the accused instantly get into the media, and attention often leads to the fact that famous people convicted of a crime lose their social status and sources of income (as happened, for example, with Harvey Weinstein).

Related material

Unconscious distortion

As is often the case with good ideas and movements towards the norm, at first there are excesses. To recognize your boundaries, you often have to push against them and sometimes even transgress them. And if the spring is held back for a long time, then it shoots with a greater amplitude than when it freezes in balance afterwards. These are the laws of physics, and the same is true of the psyche. The movement towards respect, recognition of rights and punishment of the guilty is correct, but there are always excesses.

One of the difficulties and paradoxes of victimblaming is that people often jump from one polarity to another. Dividing the world into black and white is too easy – this again helps to cope with existential anxiety in front of chaos, streamline it, name it and subdue it.

Therefore, it is unpopular to question the responsibility of a potential victim – you will immediately be called a victimblamer. However, situations cannot be ruled out when a person, for reasons of some kind of benefit or in a difficult psychological state, agrees to sexual relations, which he later regrets. And in this case, it is important to take responsibility for your conscious choice, even if the attitude towards this choice later changed. When a person makes difficult choices, he is strong, not a weak victim. It is important to distinguish situations of helplessness from difficult choices – first of all, the person himself, who may ascribe to himself the status of a victim.

Blaming another and holding onto a regrettable situation for years is destructive to the individual. A person gives up the steering wheel, does not control his life and fixes the mechanism for satisfying his needs through the position of suffering. It is important to step out of this role, work through the feelings associated with the situation in which the difficult event occurred, and try to separate these situations from those for which the person is actually responsible.

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What to do if you experience victim-blaming or witness justification of violence?

If you are really in a situation of victim-blaming, the first thing you need to ensure is that you have a sufficient level of support against blame. It’s never the victim’s fault, it’s always the perpetrator’s fault. And it is important to surround yourself with people who can share this point of view and express support for you in the right way.

Further, depending on what type of abuse has occurred – physical, sexual, emotional – you must either contact law enforcement agencies or a psychotherapist if the support of loved ones does not help.

Before dealing with trauma, it is necessary to secure oneself and get out of the situation of violence. If the threat remains, then the likelihood of retraumatization is high. If this is psychological violence of the degree that is painful, unpleasant, but allows you to stay in a relationship, then you should tell the person about your feelings and boundaries and ask them not to violate them in the future. It happens that for one, manipulation is a form of violence, and he feels like a victim, and for another, it is the usual style of communication in which he grew up all his life and does not see this as a problem. Such a situation does not exempt from responsibility, and it grows in the case when this is not an unconscious action, but a conscious choice.

Related material

If the situation in which you feel like a victim is long-term and you cannot get out of it, think about what kind of support you lack: emotional, financial, legal. Perhaps there are attitudes in life that do not allow you to break the vicious circle, or you experience a feeling of fear, for example, you are afraid that if you try to end the relationship, you will encounter even more aggression. Ask yourself the question: do I get any benefit by remaining a victim. Answering this question sometimes requires courage, but being honest with yourself will allow you to understand the situation and weigh whether this benefit is worth the price you pay for it.

If you observe a situation of victim-blaming or victim-shaming from the outside, you should intervene and stop the destructive process, if there are internal forces for this, or support the person who has suffered in some other way. But again, listen to yourself: what makes you take on the role of a rescuer (this may be your usual role) and is your reaction commensurate with the situation? Are you acting out of your own trauma and overreacting? Mindfulness and self-reflection will help you to be more in touch with reality, and not with inner demons from the past.

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5 phrases that we consider to be abuse or gaslighting, but in fact it is not

• Lifestyle

We hear more and more about psychological abuse, “red flags” of abuse, ways to resist manipulative techniques. In theory, everything is clear, but in reality there is often confusion. How do you know if you’re being bullied or not?

May 5, 20236

Source:

iStockphoto

Abuse, gaslighting, neglect, orbiting, ageism are the new psychological terms of our modern ethics. And now everything that is inconvenient, incomprehensible and offensive, people tend to perceive as a personal threat and the result of manipulation from the outside. He spoke harshly and rudely – an abuser! She does not let me go to my friends – this is psychological abuse! We have become so engrossed in labeling that we sometimes call someone who is simply not perfect in relation to us an abuser. For example, a strict boss.

This confusion and struggle with the psychological violence that we sometimes see everywhere and everywhere, can only increase the number of our problems. Closed from other people under the weight of rigid personal boundaries, people often become lonely.

Psychologists explained to “Doctor Peter” how to distinguish abuse from normal relationships and how not to get confused in terms.

The main sign of abuse

“When entering into a relationship, almost all people violate each other’s boundaries in one way or another. This is how we find out what we are capable of and where the line is between us and other people. This happens either consciously or unconsciously. But breaking boundaries is one of the features of abusive relationships ”, – explains psychologist Inna Kovalenko.

The “red flag” of abuse is cyclicality, the systematic repetition of the same traumatic situations. This is a purposeful act of any kind of violence (physical, psychological, economic and sexual), aimed at the destruction of the individual. The purpose of abuse is to satisfy needs at the expense of others.

How to recognize if it is an abuse or not

“If you hear threats, direct insults, depreciation or lies in your address, you need to take immediate measures to counteract. For example, if a partner calls you any subjectively offensive word and claims that this is just a joke, there is no confusion and cannot be. This is unacceptable behavior ,” says psychologist Anastasia Hunter. – But most often, however, psychological abuse manifests itself in less obvious forms. Attempts to confront turn into an endless cycle of mutual accusations, and the potential victim begins to wonder: Is there really something wrong with me?

To answer this question objectively, try to find evidence for and against the fact that a person is systematically trying to manipulate you.

“For example, you decide to go on vacation with friends, and your wife is categorically against it,” the psychologist gives an example. – You are ready to accuse your wife of psychological abuse – egocentrism, pathological jealousy, the desire to control and isolate you. Before you do this, be sure to analyze the overall dynamics of the relationship. If your wife generally respects your personal boundaries, does not try to limit your contact with friends on a regular basis and shows active selfless care – perhaps it is worth considering the problematicness of a particular situation with a vacation , rather than psychological abuse towards you in general “.

Not every relationship is unambiguously called abusive, just as absolutely anyone can get into a situation of abuse.

Neglect examples

“Neglect is neglect, it is expressed in the inability to respect another person, in envy, indifference, shifting responsibility, ignoring the desires and needs of a person, inability to sympathize and empathize,” says Inna Kovalenko. — Here are examples of neglect. The husband asks his wife to find a job closer to home or even quit so that she can spend more time with her family. Or the wife forbids her husband to go to the gym after work or sometimes meet with his friends. Or, when a child is constantly told that he doesn’t dress like that, says the wrong thing, and feels the wrong way: “Don’t imagine that you are hot!”

The psychologist gives an example of a healthy relationship where everyone cares about each other and demonstrates mutual respect.

“It is not a negligence when a mother of a newborn asks her husband to take more care of the baby, because she needs to get enough sleep and rest from time to time in order to fully take care of the child,” says the expert.

See also

Gaslighting — how to distinguish it

“Gaslighting is a set of tactics aimed at making a person doubt an adequate perception of reality and make him addicted,” explains Inna Kovalenko. For example, a husband comes home and happily announces that he has received a new position at work. His wife, devaluing this event, expresses her dissatisfaction: “Why rejoice? I have been sitting in the same position for five years, I spent so much time.” The husband regrets that he shared his feelings and closes. The couple’s relationship is deteriorating.”

The goal of the gaslighter is to demonstrate his superiority and instill in the interlocutor a feeling of inferiority: “I know better”, “You always do everything through your backside”, “You don’t understand anything about this. ”

“But absolutely is not gaslighting, when a woman, for example, quarrels with a friend and during a quarrel raises her voice at her. A friend honestly admits that she does not like being shouted at. Then the woman calmly apologizes and promises not to do it again,” the psychologist explains. – Healthy relationships presuppose a dialogue, during which the interlocutors have the opportunity to equally exchange opinions , be heard, agree or have their own point of view without devaluing the opinion of the other. Sometimes a person tries to convince another that he is right only because he really sees the situation from a different angle” .

Real gaslighting is when people cannot have a constructive dialogue and discuss controversial issues. In this case, communication becomes uncomfortable and tense.

What can be mistaken for abuse

• When a person made a one-time mistake (shouted, asked a tactless question, acted ugly, joked badly).

• He just doesn’t know how to behave properly, and therefore he shows several signs of abusive behavior at once. It’s just that no one told him in an ecological way how to change his behavior in order to improve relations.

• The person does not have the skills of a constructive dialogue and cannot say what does not suit him.

Not abused

• Quarrels or conflicts without forms of violence .

• Provocation or toxicity in a couple, where both are on an equal footing.

• When people did not agree on their characters, values ​​and their views on life.

• When you have a different lifestyle .

• If you just don’t like each other or have fallen out of love.

• Behavior of a demanding and stern boss.

“A non-abuser is a person who is able to listen to a complaint, realize a mistake, apologize and not repeat this again,” says the psychologist. – If a person does not go to an open dialogue and does not take into account your feelings and wishes, then you can safely talk about abuse. Communication with such a person is desirable to minimize, or terminate the relationship altogether.

Phrases that may sound like abuse or gaslighting but are not actually

• “You are wrong”

  “This phrase may seem like criticism or suppression of another person’s opinion, but in fact it is only an expression of a different point of view,” explains psychologist Yulia Vatutina.

• “I don’t agree with you”

  “This may also seem like a negation of the other person’s opinion, but is only an expression of one’s point of view,” the expert says.

• “Let’s talk about it later”

  “It looks like a refusal to discuss an important topic or an answer, but in reality such a phrase can be justified by concern for the condition of the other person or the need for time to think,” explains the psychologist.

• “I can’t help you now”

  “This may seem like a refusal to help or an expression of indifference, but more often than not, with such a phrase, a person only marks his personal boundaries,” says Yulia Vatutina.

• “I don’t remember what I said about it”

  “Again, it looks like an answer is gone, but such a phrase can only be the result of different perceptions of the same information,” the psychologist explains. — In the problem of recognizing abuse and gaslighting, a balance is important. Terminating a relationship with a person because of negative behavior is possible only after determining the motives of his actions and the context in which certain words were uttered. In general, such a problem will not arise if a person has studied himself and his personal boundaries well, knows how to express his feelings and formulate his thoughts well.

Read also

Why is it dangerous to see abuse everywhere? This is fraught with conflicts,” says Yulia Vatutina.