Confronting the other woman: 6 Strategies For Confronting The Other Woman
Should You Confront The Other Woman? What You Need To Know
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Is it a good idea to confront the other woman when your husband or boyfriend has had an affair?
It’s easy for us to say ‘no, of course not,’ but we know things are never that simple.
While we would always suggest steering clear of this kind of confrontation, we know that you’re probably feeling incredibly hurt and angry right now, so you might think that there is no other way to work through that.
Rather than making a rash decision, we urge you to read through the below prompts and reflect on why exactly you want to confront the other woman, and what you hope to gain from it.
Once you have worked your way through this article, we think you’ll understand why this is not the only, nor best, option available to you.
What do you want to get from confronting the other woman?
It is natural to want to confront someone who has hurt you, especially if it has been done in secret and behind your back.
You might automatically feel like you need to talk to the other woman, but it’s worth pausing for a moment to work out what you hope to gain from doing this.
You want the truth.
You might want to get the truth from her and make sure your partner has actually told you everything that happened.
Sadly, if you get the chance to speak with her, this is not necessarily what will happen.
If she has feelings for your partner, or things have been going on for a while, she may not want to be honest with you as she’ll try to protect him.
Equally, she may not actually know that you exist. It seems impossible, of course, but these things do happen sometimes.
She might be very surprised to find out about you – he’s been lying to you, after all, so what’s to say he hasn’t been lying to her too?
If this is the case, she will probably be feeling very hurt and betrayed, too, and is unlikely to want to talk to you about that.
Even if she does tell you the truth, or some version of it, you will not be satisfied. You won’t feel like you really know what happened until your partner explains it to you, so there is little value in confronting the other woman in terms of your peace of mind.
She cannot give you what you really need here, which is to understand your partner’s actions.
You need her to feel guilty.
Your motive for confronting the other woman might be that you want her to see how much her actions have impacted you.
Maybe you want to yell and swear at her, or cry in front of her about how this has ruined your life.
You might want her to feel guilty for affecting your marriage or kids, if that applies to you.
You might think that this will feel like justice, and that it may act as closure for you. But this is unlikely.
She will never care as much as you need her to care, and you will be left feeling even more broken, and possibly now ashamed for stooping to this level as an attempt to get even.
Unfortunately, we cannot control how other people react or feel, and you are unlikely to get what you really need by confronting her.
As such, it is better to do your best to move on without getting her involved.
It is worth nothing that you might not actually need her to feel guilty – you need your partner to feel guilty. He is the one who should be apologizing and being made to feel awful about what he has done, as he is the one whose actions affect you most directly.
She might say sorry, but you’ll still feel hollow because of the betrayal from your boyfriend or husband.
Ultimately, you need him to take ownership of the situation and understand why he acted this way – and you will never get that by confronting the other woman. Instead, you need to confront him.
How will it actually make you feel?
If you confront the other woman, what will probably happen is that she won’t react the way you wanted her to, and you will be left feeling even worse.
She might not feel guilty for what she has done and you will not get the closure you were expecting.
She might laugh or think you’re ‘crazy’ and then feel okay about the fact that she ‘saved’ your partner from you. This will make you feel so much worse than before that it just isn’t worth the risk.
Realistically, if she knew you existed and cheated with your partner anyway, she probably won’t feel as guilty and remorseful as you want her to feel.
And if she didn’t know you existed, she will feel as betrayed and hurt as you do, and you’ll probably be the last person she wants to talk to about that.
Life is not like the movies where the two scorned women become best friends and gang up on the man who cheated on them both.
Focus on yourself and healing instead of confronting the other woman to fix things.
How else can you understand what happened and why?
If you’re considering confronting the other woman so that you have an understanding of what happened, you’re unlikely to get what you want.
Sadly they might not be willing to talk to you, or will be reluctant to open up for a number of reasons.
Instead of looking to them for more information, you should try to ask your partner instead.
Think about why you want to know what happened – is it because you want to move past it and stay with him, or because you just need to know and then you can leave.
If you want to try to make things work, you need to approach this in a calm way, however impossible that may feel right now.
You are still allowed to feel hurt and angry, of course, but you need to try to communicate clearly and calmly in order to get what you want out of him.
Explain why you are asking these questions and make it clear it’s because you want to get through this.
Once he realizes that, he will be more likely to answer your questions honestly and give you what you need, as he will also want to move on from this indiscretion.
If you want to find out simply because you need to know, and you have no intentions of staying with him, or because he wants to end the relationship himself, that is different.
While it’s still important to try to stay calm, you can make it clear that you just want honesty for the sake of closure. You can let him know that it’s okay if this information hurts you, as you are already hurting, but that you just need to know what happened and why.
Once he knows that you are not trying to salvage the relationship, he may be inclined to be more open and honest, as there isn’t much point hiding anything now.
Are you hoping to salvage your relationship?
If you want to make things work with your partner, we would very strongly suggest avoiding the other woman.
Partly for the reasons above, but also because, if you do this, you are inviting her into your relationship.
Not in the physical sense, of course, but you will have made her part of things in your mind.
The more you know about her (how she looks, what she wears, if she uses a different perfume to you), the more present she will be in your mind – and that in itself is what will destroy your relationship, not the affair itself.
The more you try to get involved with the other woman, whether that’s asking her questions, getting angry at her, or stalking her on social media, the more power you are giving her.
This will haunt you, we promise you, and it is not worth your time if you want to actually pursue things with your partner.
The best thing you can do to salvage your relationship is talk to your partner, as we’ve mentioned above. This is the only way you will be able to maintain the level of coupleness you need in order to make things work again.
Otherwise, you will be forever reminded of the other woman because you chose to get involved with her.
Keep this on your partner, find the closure you need through him, and move on without ever getting in touch with the other woman.
You need to accept you may never know the whole truth.
Whether you choose to stay with your partner or not, you need to accept that there may always be some things you will never know.
This is true regardless of whether or not you confront the other woman, and there is less possible further damage if you leave things alone with her.
This is a horrific thing to go through in a relationship, and only you and your partner can figure out how to move forwards, either together or apart.
Your partner’s lover will not be able to fix things between the two of you – even if she told you everything and sobbed and begged you for forgiveness, you would still need to hear this from your partner before it helped you even begin to heal.
By accepting that you may never get the closure or answers you need, you can work out how you want to proceed with things.
At the end of the day, we will always advise against confronting the other woman if your partner has cheated on you. This is because she, unlike your partner, owes you nothing.
Your partner needs to be the one to explain things to you and apologize if things are ever going to work with you, so try to focus your efforts on that instead.
It will take a lot of communication and trust, but you can both get there if you keep these conversations between the two of you and you don’t go looking for the other woman to heal things for you.
Still not sure if you should confront the other woman? Want to save your relationship or need help ending it? Chat online to a relationship expert from Relationship Hero who can help you figure things out. Simply click here to chat.
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confronting the other woman: the right and wrong advice
I’ve mentioned before that advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer. Intellectually we all know right from wrong, but sometimes making that right turn feels antiquated. “Yes, I know I shouldn’t care, that I should just move on, take the high road, but BLECH.” Sometimes it just feels so good to go bad. To say, I might regret this, but so what. I’m going to cross the line. I receive many emails asking for relationship advice. Here’s a recent one:
Should I confront the other woman?
“Hi, I’m not sure if you’ll get this.. but I read your first book, and I have experienced much of the same that you had with your first husband. I was with my fiance’ for five years.. we had a “brady bunch” family together, it was truly a lovely dynamic.. raising our 4 year old children from previous relationships together. I was so in love with him. He was the most amazing man. Our relationship was not easy (also in-law issues).. but I was in complete and utter shock (and still am months later) when I found out he was sleeping with a another woman (much younger).. he lied to me about her for months, but I always wanted to believe him.. I’ve been such an idiot. I have come to my end. I am desperate to put everything behind me, move on with my life, but I have this urging need to have a talk with the woman who stole my life. He says that she didn’t know about me.. but I know that she slept in my bed and saw pictures of our family. She had to have known. There is no doubt that she seduced him, and showed him a very easy life. He is out of town on business right now, so I think I have the perfect opportunity to speak with her tonight.. but I’m very nervous and have no idea how to go about it. I know that it needs to be in person but I’m not sure if she’ll speak to me. He’s told her that I’m crazy.. which is so hurtful. I have wanted to have this conversation and get answers for months now. I need to also let her know what kind of person he really is, because she thinks he’s fabulous. She should know how he has tried to be with me, while they were clearly together. I’ve never been so hurt in my life. Sorry for the storybook, I thought if there was anyone who could give me clear, solid advice it would be you, because you have been there. I just want to do the right thing, and be done with all of it.”
The Right Advice For Confronting The Other Woman
Intellectually, we know what the “right” advice is, the good honorable, high-road answer. The answer that forces you to confront what’s REALLY going on, and why you NEED what you do. But that’s no fun, now is it? The “high road advice” would go something like this: You say, “I am desperate to put everything behind me, move on with my life, but I have this urging need to have a talk with the woman who stole my life.” That line says it all.If you were really that desperate to move on, you would. You wouldn’t indulge yourself with thoughts about confrontations. You wouldn’t talk about moving on. You’d just do it. You’d will it. You’d distract yourself and force yourself to let it go. And, for the record, no one can be stolen who didn’t want to be taken in the first place. If it wasn’t her, it would likely have been someone else. “I need to also let her know what kind of person he really is, because she thinks he’s fabulous.” Now we’re getting down to it. I don’t honestly believe you are concerned about this woman (nor should you be). What you want is for him to feel pain. To have someone treat him the way he’s treated you. No doubt he’s told her you’re crazy, convinced her that you were really separated, etc. Lies to get him what he wanted, and I’m sure his family will hop on board in agreement. And it sucks. It does. But at the end of the day, you want someone with character. Someone who’d never be okay with lying behind your back, not in fear of being caught, but because it made him not like himself. Period. You won’t get any answers from this woman. You already know the important part, you know where you are today, and whatever happened, it’s done now. It’s time to move on, and moving on means letting it all go.
And Then There’s My Advice for confronting the other woman:
This might not be right, but hells yeah, this is what I would do”(the advice I actually gave):
If it will get you that much closer and faster to closure, then… fuck it. I’d TOTALLY confront her. You have nothing at all to lose. Who cares what the hell she thinks of you? Firstly, I’m sorry you’re going through this. So sorry, but you know, in times of pain is actually when we do the most growing. That idea always comforted me. Like, “yeah, this totally sucks. And I feel so broken, so alone, and worst of all, I’m so scared that I’ll never do any better…” but really, how could you do any worse? It’s so so hard to *KNOW*, to feel sure, to have hope, that it will get better. Intellectually you know, but emotionally, you’re a little girl who feels rejected, left alone, and have a hard time believing there’s unconditional love out there, but there is.
Fact: you want him to suffer.
Want him to one day know the pain you feel… you hope that someone treats him the way he treated you. And that’s what’s at the root of your wanting to tell this woman all you know. You don’t want to save her from him, to protect her. You want him to suffer, to ideally say to you, “I am so sorry, what I did was wrong, but I had no idea. He fed me lies, thank you for telling me…” Honey, I soooo know. But that’s just the anger (and justifiably so), wanting revenge, wanting him to know the pain. Because whether or not he stays with her, isn’t the point and doesn’t change all you have in front of you. You must feel like it’s bleak (emotionally), but it’s not. You must hate the idea of starting over with someone new one day, having to “catch up” to the life you thought you had… but I promise you… it’s an adventure. And even better than that: if you learn to master “change”, learn to cope with transience and the idea that there are no guarantees in life, you’ll be equipped to handle anything that comes your way 20, 30, years from now. So try to see this as your chance to confront your fears, tackle them now, so it will be that much easier for you in the long run. I should say I’m sorry… but really, this ending is only your beginning, and I’m excited for all the surprises and meaningful friendships and lifelong connections you’re about to make going through this process.
And to be fair… I know how you feel. The Wasband is engaged to a new redhead, and I’d love nothing more than to send her a copy of Straight Up and Dirty. But you know what? Even if she read it, I imagine she thinks, “It would never happen with me because we’re suited for each other.” That or, “The book is all lies. His family even says so.” I’ve been tempted, I really have, to contact her via Facebook. But I didn’t… want to know what the test is? If a reporter were to ask her about me, would I be proud or ashamed about the things she said about our confrontation? That is, any action that I take, I can ask myself, “If this was reported on the news about me, would I be mortified?” If the answer is yes, I simply won’t do it.
2 YEARS AGO: The Days and the Girls
7 Things to Consider Before Confronting the Other Woman – Her Life Online
All’s fair in love and war – and when it comes to confronting the “other woman,” this expression is doubly true.
Despite all the writing on the wall, men keep pushing their luck when it comes to cheating on their significant other. What drives this behavior in men is a mystery yet to be solved. Is it genetic? Society? Their upbringing? Is it their “animal instinct”?
In any case, if you suspect your man has been cheating on you, brace yourself for a crazy emotional and mental roller-coaster ride.
At some point, you’ll find yourself contemplating confronting the other woman – so we’ve put together seven ways you can keep the confrontation from becoming explosive, violent, and downright embarrassing.
1. Make sure you know your why’s.
The most important issue to consider when you want to confront her is to understand why you want to do it.
- Do you want to threaten her?
- Do you wish to intimidate her so that she backs down?
- Do you want to speak to her and ask her to let your man go?
- Do you want to embarrass/guilt/shame her so that she decides to call it quits with your man?
- Do you want her to take all the blame – including for your man’s behavior?
- Will this confrontation help or harm every person involved?
Figuring out what you seek from this confrontation is a good starting point. As a woman, your desire to confront the other woman is more than valid. You may feel like being a woman, she may be able to understand what you’re going through.
In many cases, though, the other woman may not even know about your existence – and often, if she is aware of your existence, she most likely heard evil stories about you.
While it’s true that a confrontation can answer any questions and can reveal a lot of things about all persons involved, if you ignore why you want to confront the other woman and go see her on impulse, things can turn bad and messy real quick.
2. Face the facts.
Remember, it takes two to tango! Yes, the other woman is partly to blame – but your man cannot have a clean slate.
This can be one bitter pill to swallow because it’s usually easier to blame it all on the new entrant. You and your partner have been in a relationship, so it’s easy to think that the one to come between you two is definitely at fault – and while this isn’t the right thinking, it definitely seems like the easiest way out.
Another hard fact could be the status of your relationship. Take a good look at how your relationship has changed, evolved, or remained stagnant over the years. Have you both been putting in the individual effort to maintain the relationship?
If you find the scale to be a bit lopsided, you must face this fact as well before condemning the new person in the picture.
3. Do you know who’s who?
If you’re ready for a confrontation, it means you know who she is (or at least you know her name). Do a little more digging and find out who she is as a person.
As of now, you know her name and that she’s trying to take your man away from you – but is that all she is – or is that the version you’ve come to believe? As a woman yourself, give her the benefit of the doubt and try finding more about her than the two pointers you’ve conjured up.
Thanks to social media, you can easily find some online footprints of hers even without stalking. You don’t need to have super tech-savvy skills, but try and get as much information about her. The confrontation can become less challenging if you put effort into knowing a little more about her.
As you click away on the keys in your quest to find a bit more about her, you should also do a little introspection. This could be a good time to take a closer look at yourself as well, as you are one of three people involved.
It’s also important to put your man under the magnifying glass! Over time people change – which isn’t always wrong. So, a great way for confrontation is to know everyone involved – even if it means you may have to double-check on yourself and the partner you have known for a long time.
Social media can be really handy. Also, speak to your close friends or family members from an outsider’s perspective. You may be too blinded by either rage or love – so it’s better if you talk to your confidante and face the facts relating to this new development.
4. The meetup
Although you’ve been itching to meet her, be patient and take your time. Have some irrefutable evidence or hard facts to confront her with – otherwise, you’ll end up making a fool of yourself.
Regarding the rendezvous, it would be best to meet in a quieter secluded place. If you choose a restaurant, find a corner table that does not get a lot of attention. If you decide to meet in a park, look for spots where people don’t frequent much.
When you are seated opposite each other, it’s important that it doesn’t turn into a screaming spectacle for the onlookers. Keep your emotions in check at all times lest you don’t mind being viral on some YouTube channels or TikTok videos.
You can also choose to take a friend along to confront the other woman if you feel you may not be able to restrain yourself (physically or emotionally). And, if you do decide to take someone along, you must also let your company know how they should be involved during the confrontation.
You have to define the role for your friend; they can support you emotionally without having to give their two cents, or they can take an active part in the entire confrontation. If you take a friend along without discussing it with them, the confrontation may not have the outcome you were expecting.
5. Keep it civil
This may seem like too much to ask of you – but you must keep it civil and have your feelings under wraps. You are there to confront her and come face to face with the bitter truth – the truth about your man’s secret affair.
If you feel that you can’t keep the conversation civil, it’s better to delay it altogether. It’ll be a waste of time, energy, and effort for both of you if you get nothing out of it. That’s not to say that you’ll get all the answers when you confront her, but if the confrontation turns nasty, you’ll both be none the wiser.
If possible, practice and rehearse how the confrontation might feel like. You can ask a close friend or family member to role-play, which can also help you to identify your emotional triggers and how you can calm yourself down.
If you feel emotionally drained during this mock confrontation, chances are it’ll be worse in the real scenario. When it comes to confrontation, it is always better to be safe than sorry.
6. Be prepared
The confrontation can reveal a lot of things about your man, the other woman, and also yourself.
Be prepared for what you may discover and unearth as you start talking. If you can create a safe space for you and the other woman to turn the confrontation into a conversation, it can shed light on many things about your relationship.
- When the other woman came into the picture tells a lot about your relationship.
- The timing as to when the affair started will also raise questions as to why it may have happened then.
- Your relationship may have already been rocky before her entrance – which will reveal a lot about whether you chose to ignore the real problems you and your partner were facing.
Your decision to meet this other woman can be impulsive or may have resulted from long and hard thinking. Either way, it doesn’t automatically provide a solution.
Most often, confronting the other woman could be like opening Pandora’s box. You don’t know what kind of things could creep up and surface after sitting down with the other woman. Confrontation doesn’t always provide clarity; often it could end up muddying the water even more.
If the other woman is younger, prettier, or smarter, your deep-rooted insecurities are bound to increase. If she isn’t, you may not even get your head around the situation – which can create even more doubts compared to the first scenario.
Finally, what will you do about the man after the sit-down with the other woman?
Will you be able to continue your relationship with him?
Will you confront him next?
Once you have found out about the other woman, your relationship may never be the same.
Although it may be easier to put all the blame on the other woman, confronting her can reveal a lot of things about your man.
In many cases, men keep their significant other a secret from the other woman – and in cases where he’s admitted to being in a relationship, confrontation can help you figure out how your man has portrayed you.
Whether you decide to confront him next or not, you still have to decide what happens next in the relationship. Should you forgive and forget it all to save the relationship, or should you forget about the relationship?
For some additional help, check out 7 Signs Your Relationship is on the Brink of Breaking Up and learn whether it’s time to call it quits.
Is Confronting the Other Woman Good or Bad?
I work all the time with couples that have been rocked by the affects of cheating being discovered. Some times partners ask me about confronting the other woman beforehand, but a lot of times I hear about it only after they’ve already done it.
Most women whose spouse has cheated want to confront the other woman. It some ways it’s a natural, self-protective response. While their reasons can vary, the desire to protect their relationship is a very strong and primary motivator. Unfortunately, many don’t think enough about whether or not it’s a good idea. Since it feels like the right thing to do, they allow their emotions to determine their actions instead.
Why Women Confront The Other Woman
Here are a few partners’ stories about what led them to confronting the other woman:
Two years ago, my husband announced (at my asking what was going on with him) that he didn’t think he was in love with me anymore, and that he didn’t think he wanted to be married anymore. I soon discovered some emails between him and his Admin Assistant (newly separated herself) that were not conclusive, but were at least inappropriate and suggestive that there was something more than their just talking about their respective marital issues, as he claimed. Needless to say, I was devastated. I couldn’t understand it – we had a beautiful marriage – not always perfect – but we had built a beautiful life together. I loved him, I wanted our marriage – but I was holding a lot of resentment and anger regarding this other woman and I wanted answers. Every time I went there, he continued to deny that anything had happened and didn’t feel that he had done anything wrong and the discussion would end with his wanting to leave and his wanting a divorce etc. I began to shut down in terms of talking about my feelings etc. so I found her number and called her…” -Ashley
My husband left me and my 2 kids six months ago. He says he isn’t happy and that he wants a divorce. He refuses to go to counselling because he doesn’t want to fix our relationship. One night I decided to go for a drive and found his car was not parked on his street. I went to the other woman house and found his car parked around the corner. I know that you don’t visit a friend at 10:15pm at night. All night I couldn’t stop thinking about her, so I decided to confront her and went back the next day and knocked on her door…” -Marisa
We’ve had a rocky relationship, but it’s not all been bad, three years ago we had our daughter, since then I haven’t had a lot of time for him, to cut a long story short…I find out he had been sleeping with another woman, I confronted them, acted needy, pleading etc which was crazy now I think of it. I love this man but I’m no doormat……I do love him dearly & want to be with him only to have him tell me WE WILL NEVER BE A COUPLE, he thinks he’s in love with this woman but I sense it’s just a desire. He doesn’t see he’s done anything wrong & seems to want to punish us for things that aren’t our doing, he’s the one that’s wronged us. This other woman doesn’t have any young children or stress’s like I have with a three year old. I want to confront her and tell her she’s destroying our life…” -Lana
Understandably, anyone whose partner has cheated on them is going to be very angry and hurt. These feelings need an outlet, and often the easiest, safest one is by confronting the other woman. Another reason partner’s end up venting at the other woman is because, like Ashley above, their partners won’t be honest and take any responsibility for their actions, so they turn to the next target. “Every time I went there, he continued to deny that anything had happened and didn’t feel that he had done anything wrong.”
What Happens After Confronting The Other Woman
So what comes after a partner confronts the other woman? There are several likely outcomes that I’ve seen with the couples I’ve counseled after an affair:
- Makes Things Worse. It’s not uncommon for the other woman to get angry right back at you. If your partner’s still communicating with her they can end up conspiring together against you. As unbelievable as that may sound, I’ve seen it happen many times.
- Inflames Things Between You and Your Partner. He gets really angry with you for reaching out to her. As a result, your already broken communication just gets more limited.
- Get Ignored. Often the other woman will have nothing to do with you, and so you just end up wasting your time and energy chasing someone who just avoids you (and any accountability).
- Led On by Her. She lies to you by saying she didn’t know he was married and telling other untruths. While what she says could be true, you can’t trust her — so putting any value in what she tells you is a mistake.
The bottom line about confronting the other woman is that it will get you nowhere closer to fixing your problem. Need more reasons?
- Your issue isn’t with her, it’s with your partner.
- You need to vent your feelings at your partner, not her. He’s the one you have a relationship and commitment with, not her. And he’s the one who broke it, not her.
- You’re doing for your partner what they need to do — end it. He needs to tell her it’s over, not you. If he isn’t the one who does it, it probably won’t be over either.
Think long and hard before confronting the other woman. I’ve never seen it fix anything. If you’re still thinking that maybe it could, then re-read the 3 points above.
Looking for More? Check Out These Articles
from Others with Similar Experiences – Click ‘View full post’ below or scroll down
‘She helped me move on.’
The Prince Charming turned out to be a frog.
This girl, like me, had fallen into the web of lies our boyfriend had spun. And our versions didn’t match.
He had told her I was crazy. That I knew about her, but wouldn’t break up with him. He was unhappy, and he was only with me because I was someone his parents would approve of. He would always tell me that his mum would love me. And I took that as a compliment.
“He has shown me your pics, and you are beautiful. I don’t know why you, of all people, would be with someone like him. I mean, you could get any guy you want. I just thought, as another woman, I should let you know his true colours. I hope you don’t continue to fall for his lies. Please, you have to leave.”
She was under the impression that we were still together. In her story, I was the wicked witch.
I wanted to hurt her, and she wanted to save me.
We were the same — two women who had fallen for a liar. The only difference was, in my pain, I wanted to hurt her. But she wanted to save me.
Maybe if I had confronted her earlier, his lies would have been exposed.
But the thought that maybe, just maybe, she was a naïve young girl who had fallen for a charming older guy never crossed my mind. After our conversation, I realised we were the same. I was her four years ago when I fell for him.
And even though I couldn’t help her with her pain, I appreciated her efforts in trying her best to help me. Unlike me, she was able to see beyond her pain. Enough to want to save the villain of her story just because I was a woman too.
In doing so, she had lifted off my blinders and shown me the real face of the one I loved. I couldn’t deny or make excuses for his behavior anymore. I couldn’t blame someone else for his actions.
In the end, she felt the pain I went through in some form. But knowing that didn’t make me feel any better.
There was nothing left to do other than let go of the resentment and truly forgive her.
Thanks to the woman I chose to hate, I could move on.
This post originally appeared on Medium and has been republished here with full permission.
Eshal Rose is a dentist by profession and a writer by passion. Her work is available on Medium, where she publishes content regularly and is a Top Writer in various categories.
Feature Image: Getty. The feature image used is a stock image.
Jennifer Garner and Lindsay Shookus: Should You Confront Other Woman?
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Celeb couples are so often photographed looking flawless and happy, so it can be a big surprise when they break up. This was certainly the case with Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner, who had been married for 10 years and had three young children when they announced their split in 2015. While no one knows for certain what went on in their relationship, initial reports suggested that Ben was cheating on his wife with their nanny. Now, sources have told People that Ben was involved in an extramarital affair with TV producer Lindsay Shookus (whom he is now dating) starting in 2013. And allegedly, Jennifer confronted Lindsay in 2015 after she found out about the affair.
RELATED: 6 Signs A Couple Is Headed For Divorce, According To Therapists
Obviously, being cheated on is heartbreaking. But is confronting the “other woman” ever a healthy, productive process? We talked to Dr. Jane Greer, Ph.D., New York-based relationship expert and author of How Could You Do This to Me? Learning to Trust After Betrayal, to get her thoughts.
When asked whether you should ever confront the person your partner cheated with, Greer’s answer was a resounding: “No!” She went on to explain: “The conflict is between you and your partner—not the other woman. If anything, move away from any further contact or communication with that person. The goal is to have no involvement.”
This is how men and women REALLY feel about infidelity:
However, Greer says that rule changes if your partner was involved with a close friend or relative. “Then it becomes necessary to address him or her directly,” she says, because most likely you’ll continue to have contact with that person, whether it’s running into them at a party or family event. Greer suggests having a calm, to-the-point conversation. “Say something like, ‘I feel so betrayed and hurt by what you did. How could you do this to me?'” she suggests. “Address the betrayal and see if they’ll take any responsibility for it, have any remorse or regret, and—most importantly—show any empathy and concern in their apology (if they offer one).” This kind of confrontation “can help you heal and deal with future contact and encounters down the road,” Greer says, while with a stranger, you’ll probably never see them again. “Whether they feel remorse is not important.”
More important than confronting the “other” person in your relationship is working on setting things straight with your partner and figuring out how to move forward—whether that’s together or in the form of a breakup. In order for a couple to recover from infidelity, Greer says, “The most important thing to do is believe your partner is genuinely regretful and sorry for what they did, that they’re committed to rebuilding your trust, and that they’re willing to continue to relate to the pain and hurt they caused you by listening to you when you talk about it, expressing their remorse, apologizing when necessary, and demonstrating trustworthy behavior going forward. “
Nina is a health and culture reporter who has written for SELF, Glamour, Cosmopolitan, the New York Times, and more.
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Confronting the Other Woman? | Today’s Christian Woman
Q. My husband had an affair with a friend of mine. He and I have reconciled, but I feel the need to confront my friend. I want to talk to her about how she betrayed me. What’s the correct way to handle it?
A. The “correct” way to handle it depends on your motive, what you hope to accomplish, and what you sense the Holy Spirit saying to you about it. Your first step is to examine your purpose in confronting her. Is it to “speak the truth in love” with a desire to promote healing? Or is it to exact a pound of emotional flesh for the way she wounded you?
If part of your motive is payback, don’t be too hard on yourself. That’s a normal emotional reaction. The danger lies in dwelling on those feelings and allowing them to determine your choices. Before you consider confrontation, it’s critical for you to check your motives. As you’ve thought about a confrontation, and even rehearsed different scenarios in your mind, what’s been the state of your heart?
Before talking to her it’s essential that you’ve first followed the clear teaching of Scripture and forgiven her. In Matthew 6:14-15, Jesus says, “If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins” (NLT).
Psychologist Norm Wright once told us that you know you’ve forgiven someone when you can pray for her and desire God’s best for her. It doesn’t mean you have to like her and want to be around her. It does mean that you’ve let go of the offense, are able to focus on what God wants to do in your life, and have received the grace to want God’s best for her life.
How can you get there? Once a day for the next 30 days, read Matthew 5 and 7, in which Jesus talks about dealing with those who have hurt you. Get a copy of David Stoop’s book, Forgiving the Unforgivable, and look up the Scripture references he lists. Then pray daily asking God what he’d have you do. At the end of the 30 days you’ll have a more complete answer to your question about confronting the “other” woman.
Depressed and Angry
Q.Three years ago my husband was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. This has struck down his faith and sent him into a deep depression. He won’t attend church, pray, or talk about God. What should I do?
A. After three years of struggling with the physical pain, increasing physical limitations, difficulty in maintaining normal levels of activity, as well as the enormous emotional and psychological drain, it’s not surprising he’s depressed. Studies show that one-third of all patients with fibromyalgia syndrome (FMS) suffer depression.
Withdrawal from normal activities is a common symptom of depression, and if it isn’t dealt with, it can exacerbate your husband’s depression.
It’s critical that you and your husband see a physician, perhaps a psychiatrist, who understands FMS as well as depression to assess what may be the physiological, psychological, or emotional reasons behind his depression. It may be that he needs help with medication for the depression.
It’s also important to get him involved with people and with spiritual things. If your husband was active in a men’s group or has male friends at church, ask them to reach out to him. They may not be aware of his struggles, and can encourage and pray for him. Also, call your pastor or men’s ministry leader to see if there are any others in your church who have struggled with FMS. Many larger communities have FMS support groups. See if one is active in your area. Know that with some help there’s a lot of hope.
Expressing True Feelings
Q. How much should a spouse express his or her true feelings and thoughts without fear of “rocking the boat”? I get weary of telling my husband things because it seems to end in an argument. It’s just easier to let things go and not have the hassle.
A. Never forget that peace at any price is rarely worth the price. Having said that, I (Carrie) learned early in our marriage that not every thought needs to be expressed and not every emotion needs to be shared.
Several years ago we discovered a simple technique that’s helped us successfully deal with these situations. First, determine whether the issue is high ticket or low ticket. A high ticket item is something one of us has thought and prayed about and determined is so important to us or to our marriage that we’d rather have a spinal tap with no anesthetic than not discuss it (e.g., major purchases). A low ticket item is something that might be nice to talk about, but really isn’t significant and will probably be forgotten in a few days (e.g., which way to put the toilet paper on the holder).
We’ve learned internally to rate issues on a scale from one to ten, with ten being very high. In our marriage we’ve agreed that anything five or above is high enough for us to share with each other. One ongoing issue for us is how many times we’ll travel for our work. I (Gary) am most likely to take on too much, while Carrie goes the opposite way.
If you decide there’s something in this range, your next step is to consider prayerfully the what, where, when, and how: what do you want to share, when is the best time to do it, where is the most conducive place for your mate to listen, how are you going to present it, and how much do you need to say?
If your husband is detail oriented, and you’re more of an intuitive, big-picture person, it will be important for you to be specific and to the point. Otherwise, he’s likely to get lost trying to discern what the real issue is and move quickly to feelings of confusion, frustration, and futility. When that happens he’s either going to check out of the conversation or he will turn it into an argument about an issue that’s probably ill-defined and somewhat unclear to you both.
We’ve had hundreds of couples tell us that as they applied these simple principles over a three to six month period, they were able to develop new patterns for dealing with important issues and eliminate many unnecessary, unprofitable, and painful discussions.
Q. My wife is a flight attendant and is gone from home a lot. When she is home, she goes into what I call “single mode.” She makes her own decisions, spends a lot of time by herself—she even bought a car without telling me! When I raise my concerns about it, she just brushes it off—and nothing changes.
A. The problem you address is a common occurrence when one or both spouses are “on the road” a lot. It doesn’t matter if one is a flight attendant, a traveling salesman, or in the military. These kinds of situations make it easy for a couple to become “married singles” and drift apart.
The main problem is that you and your wife haven’t been intentional about cultivating deep levels of trust and intimacy.
The good news is that some of the most loving and mutually satisfying marriages we’ve seen involve couples where one spouse travels a lot. There are healthy ways of being apart that can make coming back together a joy.
Since you’ve talked to her and that doesn’t seem to help, you need to be creative. That means looking at what you can do to make the situation better.
In light of Paul’s teaching in Ephesians 5:25, what might it look like for you to prayerfully consider creative ways to love your wife “as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her”? Are there other healthy Christian couples you enjoy being with? How much time do you spend prayerfully preparing for the times when she’s going to be home? Do you talk with her when she’s away? Do you initiate prayer together on the phone? Do you show her that you enjoy being with her?
In these situations it’s tempting to be so painfully aware of how our spouse could improve that we miss some of the simple things we could do to make the situation better. Find some support and encouragement from other men to help you stay the course. Ask your wife if there are specific things you can do to help when she’s home. You may be surprised at some of the changes you start to see in her.
Carrie Oliver is a marriage and family counselor. Gary J. Oliver Ph.D., co-author of A Woman’s Forbidden Emotion (Regal), is executive director of The Center for Marriage & Family Studies at John Brown University in Siloam Springs, Arkansas. Visit Carrie and Gary at www.liferelationships.com.
Copyright © 2005 by the author or Christianity Today/Marriage Partnership magazine.
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How not to be manipulated
When we meet such people, we seem to lose willpower … And then we reproach ourselves for our weakness. Manipulators get their way because they force us to follow our emotions, not reason. But it is within our power to learn to recognize manipulations in communication and master the mechanisms of psychological defense against them.
“Would you like to spend this weekend together? Have you lost interest in me? ” This reproach is not easy to answer. Instead of calmly explaining the reason for our decision (important things at work, just a desire to be alone), we begin to ardently prove to our other half how much we love her.This means the manipulation was successful.
Being trapped by the manipulator, we lose the ability to react adequately. The desire to use others for their own purposes from time to time appears in everyone. More often than not, we do this unconsciously. What for? If we feel that we are unable to influence the situation in a “legal” way, we cannot come to terms with the behavior of others, or we simply want attention to ourselves. Ideal ways to do this are to make the other feel guilty for our troubles, to make him our debtor, or simply to make it clear how badly, ugly he is doing.
Imagine a situation: you are planning a wedding. Modest, without lavish ceremonies and feasts. But your mom is not happy. How can you deprive relatives of the holiday, the opportunity to congratulate you. Moreover, you have not gathered all together for a long time. “Family is sacred.” This is a classic case of manipulation. There is an implicit threat here: “If you don’t come, you will disappoint everyone.” Mom takes the position of “victim” in order to force others to behave the way she wants.
In this case, the manipulator uses the principle of reciprocity for its own purposes. “When he gives a gift (renders a service), he tries in every possible way to let the recipient understand that he is now in debt to him. The hidden message is this: I gave you this – it means that you have to repay me with something. The problem is that the “donor” reserves the right to choose when and how the “recipient” should repay the debt, ”explains psychologist Isabel Nazare-Agha.
For example, having noticed a colleague’s mistake, the manipulator does not report it to the management.But in a private conversation he tries to hint that he saved him from serious trouble: “Can you imagine what would have happened if the general had found out about this?” Later it turns out that the “savior” did not act out of a disinterested desire to help …
90,000 What is manipulation and how to resist them
Of course, nobody likes it when someone manipulates us against our wishes. However, this often happens independently of us. Yaroslav Kovalevsky, a psychologist at the Altufyevo social rehabilitation center, tells how to recognize manipulations in time and avoid them.
– So, Yaroslav Viktorovich, what is manipulation?
– In short, this is a deception, but very specific – when a person begins to consider someone else’s will and the realization of someone else’s desires as his own, and absolutely sincerely. In fact, these desires may contradict his true values, but it seems to him that this is precisely his choice. This is the key principle of manipulation.
– Why does manipulation work so effectively?
– At the heart of the work of this or that manipulation is the egoistic desire of a person to possess something.A person is so captured by this desire that his mind is already occupied exclusively with the object of desire, and he automatically falls into the risk group, he has every chance of becoming a victim of manipulation. You need to understand that at such moments a person loses his sanity, the ability to analyze, and, chasing his desire, he can become a victim of deception.
– It turns out that our desires are our enemies. Is it possible for yourself to realize at such a moment what is happening?
– Of course, but only those who do not have the blinding desire to own something, who control themselves first of all, can understand this.A manipulated person is a classic example of a donkey and a carrot tied to a fishing rod in front of his face: the donkey sees this carrot, wants to eat it, tries to catch up, but cannot. Because at this moment he does not fulfill his own desire, but spends his resources (strength, health) on the realization of the desire of the one who sits on his back and holds a fishing rod with bait.
– That is, the most important thing is to rationally evaluate your desires.
– Of course, if a person is capable of analysis, that is, he does not have an insane desire to possess something, then he has the opportunity to see that some kind of deception is happening, which means there is a chance not to become a victim of manipulation.
– Are there any other cases of falling into the hands of manipulators?
– Certainly. An important criterion for falling under the influence of manipulation is the general background of human ignorance. For example, a person does not know what cigarettes are. He conventionally knows that these are, for example, some herbs, but which ones – he was never interested. And if he hears somewhere that these are “medicinal” herbs that do not cripple, but heal, and then he also sees on the Internet a person in a dressing gown who “confirms” this information with “scientific” data, then he will certainly believe.This is a vivid example of ignorance, when a person has no idea what is in front of him, but receives a decent dose of false information, which he is unable to cope with. Thus, he becomes a victim of manipulation.
– What hooks do the manipulators cling to to make the deception successful?
– Each of us has weaknesses to push. But there are, of course, mechanisms that work on common character traits. These are, for example, greed, envy, lust, pride, and so on.If the concentration of these qualities in a person is rather high, then he risks becoming a victim of manipulation. But if these same qualities are present to a small extent, then the risk is significantly reduced.
– And if a person understands and realizes what happened to him, then he will no longer fall into the risk group?
– There is always an opportunity to become a victim as long as there is something negative, base in a person. But if there is nothing to “hook” on, then the manipulation will not work.True, there are other situations: a person may not be greedy or envious, but if he repeats the same false thought 200 times, then it will remain true in the subcortex. And here we must remember what we talked about earlier – ignorance. A healthy person, receiving this or that information, begins to look for their confirmation or refutation, to analyze in order to make sure that the information is true, and only after he has studied everything, he will make the correct conclusion.
– What should victims of manipulation know?
– A person must honestly admit to himself that this happened to him, this does not need to be afraid and hidden.Because we all make mistakes, and the most important thing is to be aware of the fact that you have experienced it, to draw conclusions and not to repeat mistakes again.
– Is it possible to recognize manipulations during communication? Is there such a thing as a manipulator lexicon?
– Yes, of course, there are phrases that you should be wary of hearing: it is quite possible that you are being manipulated.
- “I am who I am and will not change” and any variations of this phrase.
- “Look what you turned me into, everything was fine before you.”
- “You generally understand what you are talking about” and any other variations of this phrase. In such situations, always take the person out for argumentation. Most often, there will be no arguments, but you should always ask to explain exactly what your opponent means.
- “I thought we trust each other, I have nothing to hide, and you are not completely honest with me” and any other variations of this phrase. This is an attempt to lead a person to revelation. After a while, the manipulator may begin to use your revelations against you.
- “All of you women (men) are the same, you always think something” and any other variations of this phrase.
- “I thought you were different (different), and you are (the same) like everyone else.”
- “Vika (Seryozha) would never have done (did)”. Comparison with former partners, the introduction of a third party hits self-esteem, instilling fear of loss.
- “I’m doing this or that for you.”
- “I thought we had love, but you don’t want to understand me and do this or that for me.”
- “If you leave me, I will commit suicide” and any other variations of this phrase. The situation here is somewhat more complicated. The main thing is to always remember that a healthy person will never say this, and also remember that you are not to blame for what the person does to himself.
- “Well, I apologized for what else you need.” After this phrase, always ask the person to explain why he is apologizing, what he understood, and what will change later.
- “All the evil in the world is because of women (men).”This is manipulation in order to get the victim to prove that they are better than others.
- “Only you are to blame” and any similar phrases.
- “I had an unhappy love (marriage), I am emotionally traumatized by my parents.” In fact, it means “I am poor, unhappy, save me by hook or by crook.”
- “My intuition borders on clairvoyance, I see right through you, I feel you at a distance, I have magical abilities” – this is a lie, you are being told that you are “under the hood”.
- “You see what you want to see, you see in me what is in you, if it seems to you that I am changing, then you are also changing” and all such forms and variations.
- “You are a manipulator, you are manipulating me”
- “I am destroying the lives of everyone around” and any similar phrases. The point is that he should be treated and saved with all his might, and he will do whatever he wants.
- “You need to be treated, you are inadequate” – this and similar phrases are aimed at destroying self-esteem.
In the most difficult cases, when you are not able to cope with the manipulation on your own, it is worth seeking professional help from a psychologist.
Social and Rehabilitation Center for Minors “Altufyevo” is engaged in round-the-clock rehabilitation and life arrangement of minors from other cities, as well as minors of foreign citizens.
Address: Moscow, Altufevskoe shosse, 13, bldg.4, building 4 (metro station “Vladykino”)
Phone: 8 (499) 201-06-50, 8 (499) 201-59-47
Press Service of the Department of Labor and Social Protection of the Population of the City of Moscow
“How to Resist the Destruction of the Personality in the Conditions of the XXI Century?” – Yandex.Cu
There is an appearance of a general tendency of tolerance and acceptance of the individual as it is. However, more and more often I am faced with the imposition of fashionable values, pressure on a person.Moreover, this pressure is formed using the same words, the same phrases. Like a carbon copy. Sometimes it seems that people have been stamped, or that you are in a virtual world, acting according to one laid down program. It became impossible even to joke. And people choose inappropriate words.
– I like to read Leo Tolstoy.
– He’s an abuser! You shouldn’t read it.
– Haha, look what a funny hat.
– It’s not up to you to decide what to wear.
– There are also many murderers among the girls.
– Misogyny 🥰
– I like the way the dress looks on another girl.
– Already? Why belittle one person by elevating another with a compliment? Sexist.
– Yes, I believe in God, it’s easier for me. And I enjoy studying the Bible.
– Fool? There is no God! Pf, the Bible … is this a useless book? – * also believes in zodiac signs and reads fanfiction *
– Nobody asked you. All men are shit. Better for women with women.
– Parents limit my personal space, what the fuck are they saying to me at all? – The most common comment among adolescents, and in the context of absolutely normal and normal behavior of parents, people who care and have the right to advise something, say something.
I’m tired of all this (and much more is not shown as an example). I have already deleted almost all social networks, I do not know where to go from degradation. They do not learn Russian normally, but come up with new words (of course, with the suffix “k”). Nerves are giving up already. How to deal with it? Where to go, leave, hide? I feel a devastation in a world ruled by patterns and a fear of saying the wrong thing again. Sometimes I think that it would be better if I was born in another totalitarian regime, there was something to fight for. And here? .. It’s useless after all.Forgive me for my, probably, youthful maximalism. Pressing devilishly. There is no air, and their own development stops.
A resident of Vladivostok is suspected of murdering her husband and two children
A 38-year-old mother with many children from Vladivostok is suspected of murdering her 40-year-old husband and two five-year-old children. According to media reports, the woman has been acting strange lately. Shortly before the tragedy, her husband told her that he was planning to divorce and take the triplets for himself. After that, a resident of Vladivostok stabbed her husband, son and daughter and went to the cinema.
In the Primorsky Territory, a 38-year-old mother with many children was detained on suspicion of the murder of her 40-year-old husband and five-year-old son and daughter. This was reported in the department of the regional Investigative Committee.
According to the department, on April 29, 2021, the body of a man and his two children was found with knife wounds in an apartment at a house on Tolstoy Street in the city of Vladivostok. The family has a third child. On the day of the crime, he was in kindergarten.
The incident became known thanks to a vigilant neighbor.The woman heard a noise in the apartment, but no one answered the calls and knocks on the door. As a result, knowing that there could be three young children in the house, she called the grandfather of the kids.
The father of the deceased man soon arrived at the scene of the tragedy.
Entering the apartment, he first saw his dead son. At the same time, the floors were washed, and the blood dripped onto the cellophane placed under the corpse.
The bodies of the boy and the girl were hidden in a sports bag – deep cuts were fixed on their necks, reports kp.ru.
The mother of the children became the main suspect in the murder. According to friends, immediately after the birth of triplets, discord began in the family. The woman began to behave strangely, and her husband, fearing for the lives of the children, even took them to his relatives in another city.
According to media reports, the couple also had a fight on the day of the murder. The husband decided to divorce his wife and take the children. The woman got angry and attacked them with a knife. After the massacre, the mother of many children got away and left to watch a movie in the center of Vladivostok, where she was detained.
At the same time, the neighbors said that, leaving the scene of the murder, the woman was clearly agitated, left the entrance in a hurry, dropped some things, quickly picked it up and left immediately.
“The mother of the children was detained at the cinema. She walked around the room with a blank look.
Presumably, she used drugs before the murder. By the way, the woman did not work anywhere, raising children. Her husband worked for a large financial institution, ”the source said.
The woman fully admitted her guilt and explained that she had committed a triple murder because of jealousy. In her opinion, the husband met with another woman, writes FAN.
This version was confirmed by a Life.ru source in power structures. According to the newspaper, before leaving the scene of the crime, the woman left a note in the apartment, in which she said that her husband had cheated and abused her.
The Investigative Committee for the Primorsky Territory opened a criminal case under Part 2 of Article 105 of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation “Murder, of two or more persons, including a minor.”A resident of Vladivostok faces up to 20 years in prison. The question of choosing a preventive measure for her is being resolved. A number of forensic examinations were appointed: medical, fingerprinting, molecular genetic and psychological and psychiatric. The investigation is ongoing.
Meanwhile, the third child, who at the time of the tragedy would have been in a kindergarten, was placed in a social institution. An FAN source said that the relatives expressed a desire to take the boy for themselves. The issue of custody of the child is being resolved.
A resident of Vladivostok, suspected of murders, actively maintained a page on the Odnoklassniki social network: recipes, life hacks, travel photos, with family and friends, funny stories from life.The triplets, as their mother signed them under the photo – the long-awaited first-borns, were born in April 2016 in the perinatal center of Vladivostok.
At the same time, the woman shared her problems with friends on the social network. So, she often noted that it was hard for her physically with three children, and financially it was also costly. The mother of many children also mentioned the problems in a ten-year marriage.
“I’m just not like everyone else .. probably special .. I love and hate myself at the same time .. I am like that .. I am used to the eternal battles of my heart and mind,” the little girl complained.
In addition, she noted that she was open to new relationships. The murder suspect last logged on to social media on April 26, 2021.
90,000 WHO intends to ban alcohol for women
“Classic idiocy”. “Sexism, Paternalism and Restriction of Freedom”. And also – the accusation of intimidating the population “in the most irresponsible way.” These are all fresh comments in the Western press about the World Health Organization, which received a lot of criticism after the publication of the new initiative.
Namely – a global strategy to reduce alcohol use. It is argued that if the world states adopt the plan, then in a few years it will be possible to improve the lives of almost a billion people.
True, among others, of course, useful advice, WHO offers one measure, which, in fact, caused the anger of the public. Refers to women of “childbearing age”. That is, at least from 18 to 45. And all of them, according to the recommendations of the organization, should be prohibited from drinking alcohol.
Of course, all this is presented not as a directive, but as an idea – for the legislators of various countries. However, such categorical attitude towards women and alcohol – clearly remained misunderstood by the majority. Why did such an initiative appear at all – and will it work?
A glass of wine will not add to your mind. In short, these are the words of a Russian folk proverb about the recommendations of the World Health Organization. To enhance the effect, they suggest watching a new video where only women drink.
It would seem that there is nothing new in the premise. In one country they drink a lot, injure themselves and others. In another – sober residents, bright colors, a sunny day. The promotion of a healthy lifestyle is understandable, but still it angered the public. They say that the World Health Organization approached women’s health too radically. So anyone between the ages of 18 and 40 will actually be told to remain a teetotaler – just in case she gets pregnant.
“Here you should rather initially educate in the family correctly, convey the values of health and talk about the harm of alcohol, but it is definitely useless to infringe and prohibit.They will find illegal ways. In my opinion, it is necessary to monitor the quality of products, age. You can increase your age from the age of 21, as it is done in other countries, but definitely not prohibit it, “says Lyubov Orlova, a public figure.
There is no talk of a total prohibition. Women are mentioned four times in the document. Several times in statistics, alcohol consumption negatively affects the birth of children. A separate paragraph is spelled out to pay special attention to prevention among pregnant women and women of childbearing age.In the end, they concluded that the safest strategy is a complete rejection of strong drinks. Those who are now accusing WHO of sexism have caught on to this phrase.
“In this document, by and large, there is no strict emphasis on women, children, adolescents. This document is about health, about people, about early deaths. The World Health Organization says that, despite the fact that the numbers are increasing, those , who generally refrains from using in any form, but still the numbers are quite large and the average European life expectancy could be a year longer.Not 79 and a half, but 80 and a half years, “explains Denis Rudenko, a member of the Union of Sommeliers and Experts of Russia, founder and host of the largest wine tasting club.
According to the statistics of the same WHO, there is one woman drinking alcohol for every five or six men. Those who are preparing to have children should give up alcohol altogether. These are already general recommendations of doctors. The popular principle “one glass of wine a day is possible” is denied by experts.
“This framework has narrowed because so many people misinterpret it.I myself gave interviews and relied on these doses of the WHO, which were allowed – very many snatched out of the context that I was advocating. They said: he probably represents the alcoholic lobby. We do not understand. Unfortunately, from one extreme to another. And in fact: it is better for women of childbearing age not to drink alcohol at all, “says Aleksey Kazantsev, psychiatrist-narcologist.
In fact – a well-known truth, people themselves must be aware of all the risks and harm. But on the other hand – why not remind about a healthy lifestyle again?
90,000 Tough Negotiations: How to Resist the Aggressor – a new book by Greg Williams
But it also happens otherwise – when a person “crosses the line” without wanting to.One day in California, my colleague and her son queued up for a funicular. At the same time, they did not notice that the queue began on the right, and decided that the tail of the queue was on the other side. It was hard to see, the sun was beating right in the eyes. A woman said to my colleague rather sharply: “The end of the line is there. This is the same line, we all stand and wait. ”
My colleague excused himself and went to take the line. And the woman who stopped her (without too much ceremony) was given strength by the people around her – they would probably help her call to order a real bully, who would deliberately, and not by mistake, decide to skip the line.
There is always a danger of making a mistake by misinterpreting a person’s actions and writing him down as an aggressor, although he was not going to do anything bad. First of all, you need to understand the intentions of the enemy. My colleague and her son did not try to skip the line – it was just a bona fide delusion. As soon as they were told where the end of the line was, they excused themselves, went there and calmly took their place.
And if someone in such a situation had turned on aggressive behavior, they would have answered something like this: “Do not meddle in your own business! What the hell is the queue? Why are you performing here at all? ” This would be a direct threat, and the aggressor would clearly show what he wants.In a word, by the reaction and actions of a person, one can determine whether the likelihood that he is really an aggressor is high.
A similar incident happened to me in due time. My turn was almost approaching, when suddenly one lady looked around the crowd and decided that it would be nice to skip the line. I politely addressed her: “Sorry, miss, maybe you didn’t notice, but the end of the line is back there.” She looked at me and replied: “I didn’t stand in front of you. Why are you climbing? ”
I thought to myself: “Strange statement.Can’t she count? If I was the fourth, now that she climbed in here, I became the fifth! ” And then I decided that I would not make a problem out of this: after all, she is a woman, and I am a man. And what will I gain by this? Moreover, my turn is close anyway. If this were a different situation, if the aggressor was a man, I might have given him a sharper rebuff.
At the same time, I would understand that the aggressor can react in any way and that this way you can easily run into trouble. This danger is always worth keeping in mind if you are dealing with an aggressor or someone who may well be the aggressor.
When I was little, we – the little ones – were offended by those who were older, because we were weak and defenseless. The elders beat the younger ones and took their money. But the little ones grew (sometimes outgrowing their offenders), and the bulls stopped getting involved with them. They just understood that now you can’t take a victim with your bare hands.
“Tough Negotiations: How to Resist the Aggressor”, Greg Williams (contributing Pat Iyer), Alpina Publisher, 2020
90,000 Women as Victims of Violence: Who Protects Them in Germany? | Culture and Lifestyle in Germany and Europe | DW
According to the German police, in 2019, every third day in Germany, a woman died at the hands of a former or current husband or lover.As a result of domestic violence, 117 women lost their lives. In total, there are 141 thousand victims of crimes in the country with one or another (in terms of severity) outcome. 81 percent of the victims are women.
In Germany, domestic violence is not a criminal offense in itself, but it is a criminal offense. The police, for example, can be contacted because of family beatings, sexual and economic violence, harassment and constant monitoring, threats and insults in the family.
The preventive work of various organizations and the police is aimed, among other things, at preventing murder within the family.How does this system work?
A complaint about domestic violence must be accepted
All brochures on domestic violence that are distributed in German cities say that the police must accept a complaint from a victim in any case. The fact is that in Germany there is a principle according to which the police accept a statement on suspicion of a crime. “In practice, this means that there is simply no way for employees to reject an application, even if the situation is ambiguous,” Munich police spokesman Ralf Etzel explained in an interview with DW.Domestic violence claims are accepted in writing or verbally – not only in person, but also with the help of neighbors or relatives. After that, the police issue a memo on the rights of the victim. The police conduct their own investigation and refer the case to the prosecutor’s office.
When a victim lives in a registered partnership, is engaged or is married to a violent person, she has the right to refuse to testify at any time. The case will be suspended and will be kept for several years.The process can be resumed when the woman goes to the police and court again. It is also possible to film the beatings in the clinic without filing a police report. If the victim still wants to ask for help later, she can provide this document.
Prohibition of contact before trial
In Germany, the victim can ask for a ban on contact and temporary eviction of the abuser from the apartment before the start of the trial. If the police understand that the danger still threatens the victim, they themselves can take such measures – even take the keys and temporarily expel the alleged offender from the house.“It happens that neighbors call the police and complain about the noise or screams. A squad arrives at the scene, prevents or records a crime and prohibits contact with the victim,” Ralph Etzel explained. We are talking not only about physical contact, but also about calls, SMS, letters and supposedly random meetings with the victim.
In 2018 alone, the Munich police issued more than two thousand bans on contacts and living in a shared apartment. In Bavaria, they can be valid for a maximum of 10 days. In other federal states, different terms apply, for example, in Berlin – two weeks.It is assumed that during this time the woman will go to court and achieve through it the same bans for a longer period. Like the court, the police can prohibit the offender from coming to places where a woman often appears – near her work, in kindergarten, school. But if, during the first 10 days, the victim calls or meets with the offender, the ban on contact automatically ceases to apply.
The victim can stay in the “women’s hostel” while she is in danger.
As a rule, it takes about a year from the moment of filing a complaint with the police until the end of the trial.If there is a serious threat, it is possible to achieve a prompt resolution of the case. If necessary, the victim can temporarily move to the so-called “women’s hostel” or live with relatives and friends. In Germany, when changing housing within two weeks, you need to get a new residence permit, and such situations are no exception. But during registration in another apartment, a woman can ask for a prohibitive mark: so other people can find out the new address only after her consent.
Psychologists help a victim of domestic violence
Psychologists and social workers can accompany minors and victims of particularly serious crimes or sexual rape during police interrogations and court proceedings free of charge.In general, each victim can request such assistance, but it is not always provided free of charge – it all depends on the specific situation. In addition, with the consent of the woman, the police contacts the local crisis centers, where the victim of violence is consulted, among other things, on legal issues. Such organizations operate in several languages and can help victims even over the phone or in anonymous chat rooms.
Technics in the service of the German police
We will start our story about police vehicles in Germany with an honorary escort.The heads of state during official visits to Germany are accompanied by 15 German motorcyclists in BMWs. During the unofficial – seven. Escorts are also laid down by protocol for the chairmen of foreign parliaments, heads of government and the Foreign Ministry – 3, 5 or 7 motorcycles, depending on the status of the visit.
Vehicles in the service of the German police
Sedans, station wagons and minibuses from different manufacturers are used as patrol cars in Germany. For a long time, the main body color was white, but then they also began to order silver lacquered cars, which, after the renewal of the vehicle fleet, are easier to sell.The second color in the combination used to be green, but then in Germany they switched to blue – the recommended standard in the EU.
Technique in the service of the German police
For covert patrols on the Autobahns, the police have specially equipped powerful cars that can keep up with any sports car. In the stream they – for the time being, for the time being – do not give themselves away. But the days when such Porsche police officers could be seen in Germany are over.This one was decommissioned in 2007. However …
Technique in the service of the German police
… Some police officers still drive such cars, but not real ones, but serving in the popular road series of the German television company RTL about the special squad “Cobra 11” ( “Alarm für Cobra 11”). This is a sports crossover Porsche Cayenne.
Technique in the service of the German police
Electric police vehicles Renault Twizy have already appeared in the cities of North Rhine-Westphalia.They are intended for courier travel. However, the “electrification” of the German police does not end with these novelties of the world car industry.
Technique in the service of the German police
In some cities in Germany you can meet police officers on electric scooters – for example, in the Hessian Kassel.
Technique for the German Police
This photo shows the first Zero FX police electric bike in Germany.It is used on the island of Borkum, a popular resort in the North Sea.
Technique in the service of the German police
Finishing the topic of two-wheeled vehicles, we note that in Germany there are also special police patrols on bicycles. Many German cyclists ride as God pleases, so there is plenty of work for the servants of order.
Technique in the service of the German police
And now we are leaving for the sky… There are over a hundred police helicopters in Germany. Most are at the disposal of the federal police (Bundespolizei) – 62, the rest are in different federal states: for example, eight in Bavaria, six in Baden-Württemberg, two in Thuringia …
Technique in the service of the German police
Some of the tasks for which previously it was necessary to take police helicopters into the air are now solved with the help of drones. They are used, for example, to study the places of incidents or crimes, search for missing people, and also to observe mass events.Unlike military drones, police multicopters are not armed.
Technique in the service of the German police
What about the rivers and lakes? One of the latest innovations is the jet skis, which are now being tested by the police in Hamburg. They are designed to respond quickly to terrorist attacks or other emergencies on the Elbe or Alster.
Technique in the service of the German police
Unlike new jet skis, these boats have long been at the disposal of the German police.This one carries out its service on the Rhine in Duisburg, where the largest river port in Europe is located. It is equipped with a 560-horsepower engine and can accelerate to 60 kilometers per hour.
Technique in the service of the German police
We conclude the review with special equipment. The 17-ton armored car of the Survivor R special forces is designed for ten people, including the driver. The cost, depending on the configuration, is from 300 thousand to 500 thousand euros.
Technique in the service of the German police
Such vehicles are produced by the American company Patriot 3.This photo was taken in 2017 in Cologne before the start of a search in one of the local motorcycle clubs, into the territory of which the police got on a retractable hydraulic ramp behind a strong iron gate. This vehicle can also be used to assault captured aircraft.
Technique in the service of the German police
We conclude the review with the WAWE 10 police water cannon. The first such model entered service with the German police in 2010. A total of fifty WAWE 10 were ordered, worth 900 thousand euros each.The latter is to be handed over to the police next year. The water cannons are equipped with a 400-horsepower engine and tanks for 10 thousand liters of water.