18 Best Orgasm Tips for Women

No one actually needs to rally for the wonders of an orgasm when there’s enough research—as psychologist and sex therapist Mary Jo Rapini explains—that the tremor-inducing release of serotonin and endorphins can boost the immune system and decrease stress and anxiety.

But when there’s still a wide “pleasure gap” to bridge today—the term describing the slim number of women who experience orgasms during sex in relation to men—the main question is how.

Below, we consulted advice from across the scientific spectrum, from medical studies to sexperts to sex therapists, on ways to enhance the female orgasm and feel connected to your partner without giving up your primal right to come.

1. Ramp up the Foreplay

A study in the journal Hormones and Behavior shows that an increases in the “love drug” oxytocin helped couples have more intense orgasms. It doesn’t require any supplements for a big boost in the hormone, though, as your average cuddling, hugging, kissing, and bonding activities can do the trick. Make sure to carve out more bonding time with each other or extend your foreplay sessions before sex to enhance your sexual performance.

2. Delay Gratification

Instead of speeding toward the finish line, science says that building your way up to the brink of an orgasm then stopping—otherwise known as edging—and building yourself back up to the point of climax can encourage better, stronger orgasms.

3. Exercise, Exercise, Exercise

Sign up for a 5K race or schedule a game of tennis. Merely anticipating a competition triggers a 24 percent boost in testosterone for women, according to a study published in the journal Evolution and Human Behavior. And any increase in that hormone also drives up your libido, so consider it a win-win. Plus, exercise stimulates blood flow to the genital area, increasing desire and lifting your mood.

4. Turn Up the Heat

Prior to sex, take a hot bath, or—if you’re short on time—place a warm washcloth over your vulva for a few minutes. Heat boosts blood flow to your vagina, leading to increased lubrication and sensitivity, says Hilda Hutcherson, author of Pleasure.

5. Try the Tantric Method

As tantric instructor Dawn Cartright explains, harnessing the power of breath can slow down your mind and make it hyper-sensitive to full-body sensations. Open yourself up to orgasmic joys by breathing and rocking together, then tightening your PC muscles before sex.

Getty Images

6. Sip a Sex Tonic

Let an ancient sex stimulant work its magic: Warm some milk, add a pinch of saffron, and drink up, says Aliza Baron Cohen, author of Sex: Rediscovering Desire Through Techniques & Therapies. Saffron, which releases its intense flavor when heated, has been considered an aphrodisiac for thousands of years. Or, take one of Amanda Chantal Bacon’s cult-favorite Sex Dust formulas for a spin.

7. Recharge Your Batteries

Women who use vibrators say they have an easier time reaching orgasm during (vibrator-free) sex with a partner, according to a survey of 1,656 women conducted by the Berman Women’s Wellness Center. If you’re tech-friendly, try a vibrating “bullet” attachment that’s discreet enough to fit in your pocket (or on your neck). Or, get him in the action with one of the many couples’ vibrators out there, from the We-Vibe to the Eva.

8. Strike at the Optimal Moment

During the first two days of your cycle, your testosterone levels surge, your libido soars, and your breasts and clitoris become ultra-sensitive, says Gabrielle Lichterman, author of 28 Days: What Your Cycle Reveals about Your Love Life, Moods, and Potential. Intense orgasms may happen more easily than usual—and multiples are much more likely. Experts also suggest timing sex in the early morning when men experience their highest testosterone levels, or in the afternoon on weekends when women tend to ovulate.

“For stellar sex in a hurry, pull on a skirt and find a deserted staircase.”

9. Step Up for a Quickie

For stellar sex in a hurry, pull on a skirt and find a deserted staircase, suggests Sex for Busy People and The Field Guide to F*cking author Emily Dubberley. If you’re shorter than your guy, stand a step or two above him. Face him or turn toward the railing so he can enter you from behind. (Hint: Grip the rail for leverage—and don’t lean over too far!)

10. Try a New Rhythm Method

Majorly elevate your odds of climaxing during sex with the Coital Alignment Technique, says Dubberley. Have your partner lie on top of you, with his pelvis directly over yours. Wrap your legs around his thighs and rock together gently. Push up and forward so that your clitoris makes contact with the base of his penis. Patience is key: Find your rhythm and stick to it until you orgasm.

11. Practice Mindful Masturbation

Touch yourself for pleasure for 15-30 minutes without focusing on whether or not you have an orgasm, suggests Dr. Jessica O’Reilly, PhD, sexologist and relationship expert at We-Vibe.

“Explore your every square inch of your body with your hands, lube, massage oil, vibrating toys and/or objects of various textures and temperatures,” O’Reilly says. “As you get in touch with your body’s unique responses to touch, you may find that your ability to stay present during sex increases, as you’re less hung up on the performance; as you abandon orgasm as a goal, you’ll likely find that pleasure increases and the likelihood of enjoying an orgasm (as an experience —not a performance) increases.”

12. Be More Demanding

Another pro tip from Dr. O’Reilly: Be a little (or a lot) more selfish.

“Oftentimes, we’re unable to genuinely enjoy a sexual experience because we’re so focused on the desire to give pleasure,” she says. “We worry about what our partners are thinking, feeling and seeing. We pay attention from the outside as a spectator instead of enjoying the process as a participant. This intensifies performance pressure and is the antithesis to pleasure, so ask for what you want in and out of the bedroom.”

Here are a few of Dr. O’Reilly’s specific tips for demanding more in bed:

• Initiate sex by making a request instead of an offer. I’d love if you’d get down on your knees and go down on me.
• Give feedback. Oh I love it here as opposed to there.
• Guide your lover’s body. I want it nice and slow — just like this.
• Get kinky with your demands. I’m not going to touch you until I have an orgasm. Would you use this toy to get me started?

13. Don’t Try to Have an Orgasm

It might sound counterintuitive, but according to Dr. Jill McDevitt, you should stop trying to orgasm if you want to have better orgasms.

“This is an old trick used by sex therapists and coaches (like me) when a client is having a hard time having an orgasm, but it can also work with amplifying an orgasm,” she says. “It’s not uncommon for people to fall into a trap of becoming very goal oriented with sexual activity, whether with themselves or a partner. They get so narrowly focused on the orgasm that it can lose its ooomph, and in some cases, not happen at all. So focusing on the process is important—staying hyper aware of arousal, notice every touch, every kiss, every movement. When you do have an orgasm, it can be so much better!”

14. Have a Regular Kegel Routine

Nothing says “amazing orgasms” like a strong pelvic floor. Dr. McDevitt says adding kegels to your list of regular exercises can have a big impact on your orgasm game.

“A quick kegel squeeze here and there won’t make any noticeable changes, but consistent,
regular, ongoing pelvic floor exercise certainly can. If that sounds like a lot of work, I recommend the Impulse Intimate E-Stimulator Dual Wand by Cal Exotics,” she says. “It’s a silicone vibrator featuring a g-spot and clitoral stimulator, but it also has e-stim pads that gently contract and release those muscles for you automatically, so you can get the workout in effortlessly, while masturbating.”

Courtesy

Impulse Intimate E-Stimulator Dual Wand

15. Don’t Be Afraid to Ask for More Foreplay

Bachelor alum Ashley Iaconetti, who was a virgin during her time on the show, has partnered with K-Y on its new #RPF campaign (short for “Resting Pleasured Face”). She says that one of the biggest lessons she’s learned when it comes to sex is that you shouldn’t be afraid to ask for what you need, especially when it comes to foreplay.

“Women often don’t get revved up as quickly as men do and guys may not realize that we sometimes need a few more minutes to get warmed up so sex can be the most enjoyable,” she says. “Try having him slowly and softly touch you everywhere except the hot spots for a couple of minutes before all the clothes come off.”

16. Embrace Empathy and Connection

Dr. Holly Richmond, Somatic Psychologist and certified sex therapist, recommends getting tantric—at least in the most basic sense.

“Tantra translates from Sanskrit to /the weave,’ and part of the sexy—and mindful—practice begins with eye gazing,” she says. “Sit across from your partner in a comfortable position, directly facing them. Gaze deeply into each others’ eyes for 30 seconds to one minute, specially focusing left eye to left eye to prevent your eyes from darting back and forth, and throwing you off your O game. Empathy is communicated through eye contact, and feeling a profound sense of depth, caring and understanding from your partner often takes orgasms to next level. My clients say that when they do eye gazing prior to having sex, their orgasms feel like they come from an embodied place, not just from their genitals, and they feel incredibly connected to their partner.”

17. Up Your Sextech Game

Richmond says that using toys isn’t enough—you need to be up to date on the latest in sex-enhancing technology if you want to take your orgasm to the next level.

“Science is sexy, full stop,” she says. “The last five years have brought us ‘smart’ vibrators under the bigger sextech category of teledildonics, that let us connect remotely to our partners from anywhere in the world, syncing up pleasure patterns to help us feel more connected. There are also devices that use biofeedback technology to learn more about what you (or your partner) need to enhance pleasure, as well as what time of day you have your strongest orgasms and what settings and vibration patterns you prefer.”

18. Find Your Sexual Accelerators

According to Gigi Engle, certified sex coach, sexologist, author, and SKYN Condoms Sex & Intimacy Expert, a big part of maximizing your pleasure in the bedroom is taking the time to fully understand yourself. She says it’s key to be aware of exactly what turns you on—and what turns you off.

“Everyone has sexual brakes and accelerators,” she explains. “These are things in the brain and body that ramp up our desire or slow it down. This means figuring out what it takes for both you and your partner to get in the mood and fully aroused. It’s an excellent tool for couples with mismatched libidos to find common ground. Do you need to engage in sexual touch before you’re turned on? Do you become turned on my erotic images or words? Do you get turned on out of nowhere? All of this information will help you get to know your body better. Make time to explore your sexuality together and really make an effort to go on this journey together. This will definitely lead to more embodied sexual experiences and many more orgasms.”

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How to orgasm – get the perfect female orgasm for Masturbation Month

Your pleasure is important. (Picture: Getty)

Okay, before we get into this, I have something important to say.

Sex is not all about orgasms. You can still have a great time without having one. Sex is not a goal-based activity that’s only being ‘done right’ if you both have an earth-shattering climax. The female orgasm is not activated through the pressing of a button, it doesn’t happen every time, and neither person has failed if it isn’t achieved – as long as you’ve both enjoyed yourself.

That being said, orgasms are a glorious thing.

And throughout masturbation month (that’s the month of May, by the way. Pop it in your calendar for next year), what we’ve really been getting at is the idea that if you want a better sex life and, as a result, better orgasms, the best course of action is having sex solo, and working out exactly what it is that gets you off – and exactly how to do it.

(Picture: Dave Anderson/metro.co.uk)

Which is why the first tip on our guide to having better orgasms is experimenting, and being open to trying new things. Once you’ve got into that open, up-for-exploring mindset, you can move on to the other things on the list to improve not just the likelihood of having orgasms, but also their intensity and general joy.

Here’s what you need to know to get the best orgasms yet.

1. Schedule in time to work out what you like

I asked the masturbation geniuses behind OMGYes for their tips on having the best orgasms, and their response was eye-opening.

They gave me a trial of their website, which has interactive (no, seriously, you’re stimulating a woman through your mouse and she’s providing feedback. It’s intense) guides to some ways that real women make themselves come.

(Picture: Getty)

What was really interesting is how specific each of the women were about what works for them. One mentioned how she liked a medium pressure on a certain point to the left of the labia. Another preferred teasing timed to a T.

The only way they could possibly know this? By dedicating some serious time to masturbation, trying things out, and following what feels good.

So copy them. Write it in your planner if you need to. Be open to trusting in your own pleasure.

2. If you’re unsure of where to start when masturbating, here are some moves that lots of women enjoy

Data provided by OMGYes.



Location of touches preferred by women:

• Around the clit and hood – preferred by 1 in 2 women
• Brushing over the clit with no pressure – preferred by 1 in 4 women
• No touching of the clit at all – preferred by 1 in 20 women
• Pressure on the mons, above where pubic hair grows – preferred by 1 in 12 women



Types of pressure women prefer:

• 31% of women love pressure so light it glides over the wetness, not even the skin
• 25% of women love light pressure that moves over the skin, but doesn’t grip
• 33% of women love medium pressure that gently grips and actually moves the skin
• 11% of women love firm, massaging pressure that pushes deep into the skin



Type of strokes preferred (most women rotate between several, which is why the % adds up to more than 100):

• 64% Up and down
• 30% Side-to-side
• 50% Circular
• 21% Pulsating in one spot
• 19% Pushing/pressing in one spot
• 16% Flicking
• 14% Tall ovals
• 11% Tapping
• 10% Diagonal
• 10% Wide ovals
• 8% Squeezing/pinching
• 5% Pulling

3. Do your kegels

No, not just the ones you do every time you read the word ‘kegels’ and remember you’re supposed to be doing something with your vag muscles.

You want to be doing a round of kegels about three times a week to really see the benefits (better orgasms and less likelihood of peeing when you sneeze. Great stuff).

Here’s how they’re done.



How to do kegels:

• Pretend you’re trying to stop peeing mid-flow. Feel those muscles? Those are the ones you need to squeeze
• Squeeze the muscles for three seconds, without clenching your stomach, thighs, or bum (if they’re the things that are clenching, you go back to step one) and relax for three seconds
• Repeat around ten times. Don’t do too many as you may start feeling sore.
• Once they feel really easy, you can increase the number of seconds you squeeze until you’re up to ten seconds each time

There are also products like LELO’s Luna Smart Bead that can provide feedback on your kegels as you do them, so you won’t be worrying that you’re using the completely wrong muscles.

4. Stop faking your orgasms

But before you do THAT, you’ll need to be honest with your partner and make it very, very clear that orgasms don’t happen every time, and it’s not a failure on their part if it just doesn’t happen. That’s important.

Then you’ll be able to feel more comfortable with not having to fake it, because the pressure to climax won’t be there.

The 24 emotional stages of faking an orgasm

That way you can relax (increasing your chance of having a real orgasm), but it’ll also open up the lines of communication about what does get you off.

Because if your partner thinks you’re cumming every time, they’re convinced that what they’re doing is working. If it isn’t, it’s time to open up about it and start having the amazing sex you deserve.

5. Don’t underestimate the power of teasing

Sex toy brand LELO told us that the most intense orgasms tend to be the ones that are staved off as long as possible.

‘An orgasm has a kind of potential energy, like a twisted elastic band,’ they explained.

(Picture: Getty)

‘The longer it’s twisted, the more energy it will release, and the same is true of the energy released at climax.’

So go slow and do loads of build up – whether you’re having sex solo or with a partner – and try slowing down just when you’re about to have an orgasm, then slowly starting up again, to tease yourself to a stronger, more intense orgasm.

6. Don’t feel weird about watching porn

You might be into it. Drop the stigma and find porn that you like.

Or, try subscribing to OMGYes. It’s not porn, but offers instructional videos to get you feeling inspired, masturbation-wise. It’s life-changing, trust us.

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7. Remember that the majority of women experience clitoral orgasms rather than G-spot orgasms

Many people don’t even think the G-spot exists.

So try to focus on stimulating the clit, whether it’s friction, gentle stroking over the hood, or tapping motions that work best for you. Don’t feel like a failure if you’re not cumming through purely penetrative stuff – very few women actually do.

8. Check your medication

If you’re never having orgasms or consistently having weaker orgasms than you’d usually expect, it’s definitely worth checking the side-effects of any medication you’re taking.

(Picture: Getty)

Painkillers can throw off your orgasms, and many anti-depressants can reduce your sexual pleasure. Chat to your doctor about it if you think there’s a problem – switching to a different brand might make things SO much better.

9. Try a new masturbation position

LELO recommends sitting upright with your back against a headboard or a wall, with the soles of your feet facing each other (kind of like that lotus position in yoga). This position improves blood flow to your vagina and allows better control of your muscles, increasing the likelihood of orgasm. Exciting.

10. There are certain times that your orgasms are more intense

Just FYI, where you are in your cycle can affect the strength of your orgasms. A study of 18-35 year old women showed that orgasms are strongest on the 14th day of the menstrual cycle (when you’re ovulating), as the clitoris swells up to 20% more than usual.

So maybe take note and schedule in some downtime then.

11. Be open to trying a sex toy

We get that it can be a bit intimidating to shop for a vibrator for the first time (which is why we wrote up a guide).

(Picture: Dave Anderson/metro.co.uk)

But if you’re struggling to orgasm alone or just want to make things a bit more fun, it’s definitely worth trying out a tool specifically designed for that purpose.

12. Try orgasm-friendly breathing techniques

Kind of like meditation, but for orgasms. Here’s a good guide.

13. Make your orgasms a priority

No, orgasms are not the sole purpose of sex and masturbation, and you can still have pleasure without having one.

But we need to stop acting like being entirely orgasm free every. single. time. is okay. It’s not. You deserve orgasms. They’ll do you a world of good.

6 girls answer the questions boys want to know about female masturbation

If you’re having sex with someone and they’re consistently finishing before you, feeling disappointed that you haven’t come, but not actually asking how to make you climax, you need to bring it up. Now.

Next time you have sex focus on your pleasure. Or if you’re not having sex with other people right now, actively schedule in some time for yourself to have orgasms.

Your pleasure can’t be the bottom thing on your to-do list. It’s important. It’s time to make it happen.

MORE : Why we need to start talking about female masturbation

MORE : Masturbation month: Why masturbating is good for your skin

MORE : 13 reasons why masturbation is arguably hotter than sex

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8 Tips for All Genders

• To orgasm, make sure you are stimulating the right spot, whether it’s the clitoris or prostate. 
• Tips for achieving orgasm include foreplay, kegel exercises, and playing out sexual fantasies. 
• If you are struggling to orgasm, consider reaching out to a doctor or sex therapist. 
• Visit Insider’s Health Reference library for more advice.

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Regardless of what you call it — climaxing, coming, or finishing — orgasms are often considered the peak of a sexual experience. However, they can also be a bit of an enigma, and, for some, difficult to achieve. 

According to sex experts, here are some ways you can improve your orgasm: 

1. Find the right spot

Your genitals are loaded with nerve endings, but some spots are more sensitive than others. And stimulating the right spot may lead to a more intense and pleasurable orgasm.

Stimulate the clitoris 

One way to enhance partnered sex is to incorporate clitoral stimulation to boost your pleasure. The clitoris is a major erogenous zone, comparable to a penis, in terms of nerve endings and physiology structure and you can stimulate it in various ways starting with the C-spot.

The C-spot is the part of the clitoris that is visible. This spot holds many nerve endings and is super sensitive to touch. Therefore, stimulating it during masturbation or partnered sex can lead to extremely intense orgasms. 

Another well-known spot is the G-spot, which is thought to be an erogenous zone located within the vaginal canal. However, Mathis Kennington, PhD, a certified sex therapist and co-founder of The Practice in Austin and The Couple Lab, says that this intense stimulation is actually another type of clitoral stimulation. 

“The clitoris is much larger than most people know,” says Kennington, “often women who feel a G-spot-like orgasm are actually just feeling a different part of their clitoris being stimulated through penetration,” says Kennington. 

Clitoral stimulation often doesn’t happen during penetrative sex alone. In fact, a 2017 survey published in the Journal of Sex and Marital therapy found that out of 1055 women in the US only 18.4% of them reported the ability to orgasm from penetrative sex alone.

You can stimulate the clitoris by using your hands, your partner’s hands, or a toy like a vibrator. 

Stimulate the P-spot 

The P-spot refers to the prostate. The prostate is a reproductive organ located below the bladder that produces semen.

Some people find that stimulating this area leads to quick and extremely intense orgasms. You or a partner can stimulate this area with fingers “either directly through insertion into the anus or through the skin by massaging the space underneath his testicles and above the anus,” says Kennington. 

2. Practice mindfulness 

Getting in touch with sensations during daily activities can help you enhance your pleasure and intensity of orgasms in the bedroom. Sex is, after all, quite sensual.

Emily Jamea, PhD, a certified sex therapist at REVIVE in Houston, conducted research published in Sexual and Relationships Therapy that found heightening sensuality — or the ability to tune into the five senses — outside the bedroom improves sexual satisfaction inside the bedroom by strengthening the mind-body connection. 

Related

What is mindfulness? Proven health benefits and how to practice it daily

The study consisted of 195 individuals over the age of 25 in secure, long-term relationships. The participants completed a survey that measured attachment, sensuality, curiosity, imagination, and sexual satisfaction. Within this group, sensuality and imagination were significantly correlated with optimal sexual satisfaction. 

For example, people who reported that they savor the food they eat or actually notice the warmth of the sun on their face while out for a walk have an easier time connecting with the sensual pleasures of sex. 

This approach may be especially useful for people raised as women. In particular, with regards to being mindful of the sensations on your body during routine activities such as showering. People raised as women sometimes struggle to connect with pleasure sensations, and becoming more mindful of bodily sensation in general, “can help women overcome a mind-body disconnect and improve their sexual experiences,” says Jamea. 

3. Try masturbating 

Mastering masturbation may lead to better and more frequent orgasms during partnered sex because it can help you know what gets you going. 

“I always encourage my clients to explore their body so they know what makes them feel good,” says Jamea.

Oftentimes, people will cut out masturbation or porn consumption, thinking it will improve their orgasms during partnered sex. However, Kennington says there is no correlation between porn consumption, masturbation, and a better orgasm during partnered sex.

Masturbation and porn consumption can, however, get in the way of having good partnered sex if people are not honest about their sexual preferences with their partners. Porn is also not always a realistic representation of sex or masturbation as it’s a form of entertainment, not education. 

This can happen if someone experiences anxiety about their sexual preferences and outsource to porn, rather than talking openly to their partners about what they want sexually. Kennington describes this type of behavior as an erotic conflict, which can strain relationships sexually — and entirely — if not addressed. 

Quick tip: Instead of cutting out masturbation entirely to improve orgasms during partnered sex, Jamea suggests that people should practice masturbating mindfully. This often means cutting out porn and focusing on connecting with sensations and what feels good.

Masturbation can also allow people to visually show their partners what makes them climax. This helps their partners understand what feels good to them sexually and can improve future partnered sex. 

Jamea says that’s partly why, same-sex couples might have less difficulty than heterosexual couples when it comes to communicating sexual needs because each partner has an inherent understanding of the other’s anatomy.

4. Focus on foreplay 

Foreplay extends sexual tension during partnered sex, which can lead to more pleasurable orgasms. It is an especially important component for those with vaginas. 

The vagina often produces a natural lubricant when aroused to prepare the body for penetration. Foreplay is important before penetration because this lubricant makes penetrative partnered sex more comfortable.   

Foreplay can also help narrow the orgasm gap for heterosexual partners. Men usually orgasm, or finish, before women, which oftentimes ends the sexual experience. “Men usually orgasm in 2 to 10 minutes, whereas women take 15 to 30 minutes on average,” says Jamea. 

While Jamea says simultaneous orgasms are not realistic for every sexual experience, she encourages both partners to be equally considerate of each other’s pleasure during sex. Spending time focusing on one another’s pleasure during foreplay is one way to boost simultaneous sexual climax.  

Quick tip: Try having your partner stimulate your c-spot, g,spot, or  P-spot manually, or with a vibrator, or perform oral sex to experience intense pleasure during foreplay to improve your orgasm. 

5. Overcome performance anxiety 

Performance anxiety can often get in the way of experiencing maximum pleasure during partnered sex. Performance anxiety can stem from an insecurity about one’s sexual performance, body image, or how they think their partner feels about them sexually. This type of anxiety can result in those with penises ejaculating too quickly or not at all. 

Often, people experience performance anxiety because they fixate solely on reaching orgasm for themselves or a partner, says Kennington, rather than focusing on what feels good during sex. 

Focusing on the sensual pleasure of the experience during partnered sex, rather than achieving an orgasm, can help improve sexual experiences.

6. Try edging 

Edging is the practice of ending sexual stimulation right as you are about to orgasm, waiting, and then beginning stimulation again to control the timing of your orgasm. 

“Both the loss of control and the stimulation of a man’s penis either orally or manually over and over again can make an orgasm intensely pleasurable,” says Kennington. He says that for those with clitorises, edging serves the same purpose. 

Communication between partners is important during edging so one can let the other know when they’re about to reach orgasm. Also, it can be important for partners to talk about the length of time they want to continue edging during sex. This will help both partners have a more enjoyable experience by making sure they have the same expectations.

Note: Read our guide to edging for more information on how to incorporate it into your sex life. 

7. Discuss sexual fantasies

Sexual fantasies are the arousing, erotic mental images we conjure up in our heads. While people can feel ashamed of these thoughts, daydreaming about sex is completely normal and even healthy.

Related

Sexual fantasies are completely normal — here are the 7 most common ones according to sex therapists

Bringing up — and acting out — sexual fantasies can be an exciting way to spice up your sex life with a partner. Talking about sexual fantasies will help build desire for and with a partner, says Kennington, which is one of the most important factors of great sex. 

Try talking to your partner about your sexual fantasies inside the bedroom as well as outside it. Just make sure to discuss boundaries and establish consent before engaging in any sexual behavior. 

8. Do kegels 

Kegels are exercises that help strengthen pelvic floor muscles. “The more the pelvic floor muscles are strong and healthy, typically the better orgasms people will have,” says Jamea. Strong pelvic floor muscles can lead to more intense orgasms for everyone, not just those with vaginas. 

Jamea recommends kegel exercises for people that ejaculate too quickly during partnered sex. Oftentimes, premature ejaculation, or quick orgasms, happen because the pelvic floor muscles are too tight. Doing these exercises can help people learn to relax these muscles during sex and therefore, have more enjoyable sexual experiences.

Before practicing kegels, it’s best to visit a pelvic physical therapist. They can help you determine what is safe and necessary for your body. 

Why can’t I orgasm? 

“People struggle to reach orgasm if they have a hard time connecting with pleasure during a sexual experience,” says Jamea. This can happen for many reasons including a conflict in the relationship, poor body image, or difficulty connecting to one’s sensations during sex.

Kennington says there is no go-to position to guarantee an orgasm. He says, “positions are like brushstrokes, it all depends on the artist and the canvas.” The best thing you can do to have great orgasms is to learn about what works for you and for you and a partner sexually. 

Both experts agree that in relationships, it is important each partner’s pleasure gets equal focus. However, this may not always result in an orgasm. Every person has a unique idea about what makes them feel satisfied sexually. It is important to have an ongoing and open dialogue with your partner about their sexual interests to maintain a healthy relationship.  

As people age, natural changes can occur that can affect a person’s ability to orgasm. For example, menopause causes changes in vaginal walls which leads to a decreased production of natural lubrication. This can make vaginal sex uncomfortable and an extra lubricant might be needed to have a more enjoyable experience. 

If you are concerned about libido or problems with your sex life, talk to your doctor. Many times there are medications or treatment plans that can help.

If you have never had an orgasm or are have had one in the past and are now having difficulty, consider reaching out to a certified sex therapist. They can work with you to identify potential sources — physical or psychological — that are causing this issue. 

Insider’s takeaway

Open communication with your partner about sexual boundaries and interests is essential for a healthy sex life in relationships. “The platinum rule when it comes to sex and pleasure is to never have sex you don’t want to have,” says Kennington. This way, each partner can always and only engage in sex where they feel secure, thereby focusing on maximizing their pleasure. 

Talking to your partner about what you want sexually can be a really un-sexy conversation. But,  this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, says Kennington. He suggests treating conversations about sex and pleasure like any other conversation. “What would you do if you have a culinary interest and your partner is a chef? You would tell them you want a steak and how you want it cooked.” Kennington says. The same goes for sex — communicate your desires and needs. 

When it comes to planning this talk, Jamea says the best time to have it is at the kitchen table, rather than the bedroom. This way, you can address your partner in a non-threatening way. Right after sex, they may feel vulnerable, making it a less than ideal time.

How to Have an Orgasm: 24 Tips for Every Orgasm Type

In other words, before you go looking for and experimenting with your A-spot, make sure you’re good and aroused so you’re lubricated. Or use your own fav lube.

Cervical orgasm

When it comes down to it, it’s not always easy to tell the difference between cervical, vaginal, clitoral, and G-Spot orgasms, says O’Reilly. “Though different nerves are believed to communicate with the brain depending on which area is stimulated, it can be difficult to isolate one region exclusively during sex,” she says.

A cervical orgasm occurs when pressure is applied to the cervix through deep penetration. “I’ve seen people suggesting that a cervical orgasm is inherently more intense, intimate, and euphoric than other ‘types’ of orgasms,” says O’Reilly, though that’s not necessarily the case, she adds. Whatever helps you feel the most connection and pleasure is perfectly valid.

Don’t attempt this right away

Although some body parts and erogenous zones are ready for either you or your partner(s) to dive in and get to stimulating, O’Reilly suggests waiting until you’re highly aroused before stimulating the cervix. She recommends this because some people have reported discomfort in stimulation if arousal isn’t peak.

Use a dildo

“Use a dildo to experiment with depth and pressure on your own before involving a partner,” says Dr. O’Reilly. “The Rave is a great option for cervical stimulation, as you can rotate and rock with the asymmetrical handle.”

Get on top

During partnered sex, get on top. From here, you’re in complete control of the angle, speed, and depth of the penetration. With you at helm, you might have a better chance of reaching a cervical orgasm.

U-Spot orgasm

If the U-spot has you thinking urine, you’re not far off. “The U-Spot is located in the vulval vestibule in an upside-down U position surrounding the urethra,” says O’Reilly. “Basically, it’s the tissue surrounding the hole you pee out of.” But before you pull yourself squeamishly into a ball because water sports aren’t your thing, it’s important to realize that the U-spot orgasm is a long way from a golden shower. A very long way. “Some people like playing with this area in conjunction with G-spot play,” to have an orgasm, says O’Reilly.

Rub-a-dub

“Stimulate the U-Spot by rubbing your index and middle finger on either side of the urethral opening along the vestibule,” says Dr. O’Reilly. Rubbing the “tapered tip” with a toy in a circular motion can also help get an orgasm into motion.  

Blended orgasm

Also known as a combo orgasm, a blended orgasm results from simulating multiple areas simultaneously. In other words, there’s a lot of room for experimentation.

Multitask

“I would recommend using an internal toy with a hook, something like Arc, to apply pressure on the internal vaginal wall while using a separate toy for external stimulation to try and achieve this orgasm,” says Fine.

Stimulate your nipples

You might use a toy like the Womanizer over the head of your clit, while you also play with your nipples,” says Dr. O’Reilly.

Explore anal

“If you’re into anal play, you might wear a butt plug during oral or intercourse, or you might experiment with anal while also playing with another area of your body,” to have a blended orgasm says Dr. O’Reilly.

Oral orgasm

True to its name, the oral orgasm is induced by the mouth. Whether that oral sex is fellatio, cunnilingus, or both at the same time (69!), depends on who is involved in the sexual act. “Mouth to genital play is a great way to explore pleasure and orgasms,” says Dr. O’Reilly.

Don’t rush it

As is the case with all sex acts, slow and steady is the way to go. “Start with slow, gentle strokes and build the intensity and pressure as arousal builds,” says Dr. O’Reilly.

Communicate

“There is no direct route to an oral orgasm. Some people like constant sucking and others prefer a good nose job with rhythmic grinding,” says O’Reilly. So talk to your partner. Tell them what feels good and what isn’t doing it for you. Even if you’re not using words to communicate, communication is still key, so pay attention to your partner’s breathing and movements, so you’re always on the same page.

Nipple orgasm

There’s no denying that nipples are a major erogenous zone, but for some, they’re so sensitive that the right amount of arousal and stimulation can trigger an orgasm.

What’s Getting in the Way of Your Orgasm?

There is currently an epidemic that is sweeping the nation: Women everywhere are still not having orgasms. Sure, conditions have improved since, say, the Stone Age, but the fact is, men are knocking out orgasms like carnival games while women are forever stuck at the top of the ferris wheel (if they even make it that far).

Here’s a familiar scenario: You’re reading an article in which a woman shares her number one orgasm-guaranteed tip and you think, ‘I’ve been doing that forever and haven’t felt a thing—what’s wrong with me?’ What a lot of women need to realize is that orgasms are not a one-size-fits-all situation; in fact, they’re incredibly specific and personal. We have so much capacity for pleasure, yet we seem to be at a disadvantage for unlocking our orgasmic potential. So what’s getting in the way?

Here are five things you need to know if you want to achieve the Big O:

1) Your orgasm, your responsibility. A common trap that women fall into is believing that their orgasm is dependent on their partner. One of the best ways to secure a supply of consistent orgasms is to know how to make them happen yourself. Become the expert of your own body and use that expertise to show him the ropes, because chances are, he doesn’t have a clue. Learn where to touch yourself, how to touch yourself, what you like and what you don’t like. That way, no matter what your partner is up to, you will hold the key to your own orgasm.

2) Practice makes perfect. Your friend who has an orgasm every time a man so much as looks at her? She’s the exception, not the rule. Becoming the master of your own sexual pleasure does not happen in one night; it is a skill that takes practice. Lots and lots of practice. If you’re serious about unlocking your O, you’ve got to set aside some serious “me” time. Clear your schedule, set the mood with some sexy candles and sensual music, turn your phone on sleep mode and get to work. First stop: the clitoris. Test out different strokes and varying pressures to discover what you respond most pleasurably to. Once you’ve manually gotten the lay of the land, then you can start mixing it up with direct versus indirect stimulation, sex toys and more.

3) Mindset is everything.
Sure, a big part of your orgasm has to do with logistics but mindset also plays a key role in helping you get into the O-zone and stay there. If you’re distractedly going through the motions, thinking about next week’s presentation and picking up your clothes at the tailor, then you are going to find yourself miles away from any kind of sexual climax. The trick here is to tackle your tension before you even hit the bedroom. Meditate, exercise, take a long hot bath and do whatever you need to do to unwind and let go of all the unnecessary stressors. That way, by the time you settle in, there’s only one thing left on the list.

4) But know when to let go. Just because your mind is a key factor in your orgasm doesn’t mean you should set up camp there. You know that saying “A watched pot never boils”? Well, a watched pot never orgasms either. We all want to cross that explosive finish line, but a lot of women put so much pressure on themselves to reach it that they miss the turnpike altogether. During your next sexual encounter, whether it be solo or with a partner, try not to focus on what’s not happening with your body and appreciate what is. If you don’t get there, enjoying the ride counts for a lot, too.

5) There are many roads to orgasm.
It may seem like women were given the short end of the orgasm stick, especially compared to our male counterparts, but the fact is that our bodies are built for pleasure. After all, if we weren’t intended to have mind-blowing orgasms, why are we blessed with three different types to experience? Let me explain.

Clitoral: With more than 8,000 nerve endings in such a tiny organ, it’s no surprise that the clitoris is the most accessible way to reach orgasm. Unfortunately, most sex positions focus on internal stimulation and don’t give the clitoris the attention it needs. To experience a clitoral orgasm, start by taking your pointer and middle finger and placing them on the clitoris and clitoral hood. Start moving slowly in circular motion to see how it feels, and go from there! This can easily be done by you or a partner during sex.

G-Spot: Some people consider it the holy grail of female sexual pleasure, while others question its very existence. However, as those who have experienced the elusive G-Spot orgasm will tell you, it is well worth the search! The G-Spot is located about 2 inches inside the vagina on the topside of the vagina wall and is actually easier to locate when you’re already aroused. The size and location vary for each women, but you will know it by it’s bumpy, walnut-like texture.

To stimulate it, try inserting two fingers into your vagina with palms facing up and make a come hither motion, massaging it with the your fingertips.

Blended: Women are multitaskers by nature and I like to think that the blended orgasm is their grand reward. It occurs during simultaneous clitoral and G-spot stimulation and experts say that it is the most intense and powerful type of climax a woman can experience.

To have a blended orgasm, you need to stimulate both your clitoris and G-spot at the same time. This can be achieved by incorporating a clitoral vibrator during sex, especially in the doggy style or spooning position. It can also be achieved when a partner performs oral sex, if he uses his mouth and tongue to engage your clitoris while using the “come hither” motion with his fingers.

Dr. Emily Morse is a sex and relationship expert with degrees in human sexuality and psychology. She runs the popular website sexwithemily.com and is the host of a top-downloaded podcast.

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7 ways to intensify male orgasm

Do you know just like females men can experience different levels of orgasms as well? At times you can experience the big and intense one or the smaller one which are experienced more.

“Male orgasm involves contractions of the PC muscles, anal, perineum and penis, and the feeling of pumping and/or throbbing, takes the average man three to five minutes to achieve orgasm and the sensation of ejaculation can heighten orgasm. Important to remember that ejaculation and orgasm are two separate events, as a guy can have an orgasm without ejaculating,” told licensed marriage and family therapist Marissa Nelson to askmen.com.

But how do you enhance the male orgasm? Here are some tricks and tips to get a better orgasm:

So how do you enhance the male orgasm to be even better for you? Here are some tricks and tips from those who know best:

Most people have habit to hold their breath while they are orgasming. Experts say that if you learn to control your breath and focus on it then you can experience another level of intensity.

When you hold your breath, if stops the depth and intensity of the orgasm and it can be enchased if you breath slowly and deeply.

When you realise that you are going to climax, take deep breath and inhale it deeply then exhale it from your mouth. Let your breathing ride through the orgasm process.

Breathing helps to expand the orgasm and gives you a satisfaction.

• Be open to trying out new things:

You might be shy in exploring new options but opening your boundaries can easily strengthen your orgasm even more.

“It’s not just about stroking the penis, it’s about building arousal and pleasure sensation. You and your partner can start by touching, licking, biting the nipples, thighs, belly, and the entire penis, from the base, up to the shaft and tip, the perineum and scrotum. This helps to expand the boundaries or routine of sex to include new and blended level of bliss,” says Nelson.

• Slow down and start again:

Men often rush into things, they can easily go from erection to ejaculation. However, it’s important to stop and keep a tab on your sexual energy.

Don’t get horny too fast, prolong the feeling of arousal and then masturbate or thrust. Squeeze the base of your penis until you are sure to come. Try these tricks while masturbating or having sex, it builds up your sexual stamina.

• Time to get creative with self pleasuring:

One should always get creative with masturbation.

Sienna Sinclaire says, “There are cock rings that have attachments that will vibrate on the balls leaving his hands free to do other things. Or you can try a ball stretcher. Sounds scary than it is and usually found in the fetish departments. But the thing is you can attach this device to your balls with as many weights as you want and it will pull your balls for you while you work your cock.”

• Don’t let your mind trail off:

The main factor of male orgasm is to let yourself flow with the moment. Don’t let your mind wander as it spoils the whole experience.

Many men have erectile issues and some are not content with the size of it. Penis pump are way to pump yourself before sex and it also helps you to last longer in bed.

Prostate massagers come in different thickness and are considered as fantastic sex toys. They are mostly thin with a bulbous and are designed in a manner so that it can easily slip inside your anus and stimulate your prostate. They are lightweight and offers intense orgasm.

…

How to Cum Harder for More Satisfying Sex

Is it true that a simple change in position can make you orgasm harder than ever before? What about kegel exercises for men — can they help you ejaculate harder than ever? Or edging: Should you build up that extreme orgasm for hours, teasing yourself through a slow, super-long arousal period before you blow? Should you start experimenting with prostate play? Do you need to see a masturbation coach to help you have sex like a champ? Or should you just wait a while between orgasms? (After all, there’s only one reliable way to make your loads bigger.) Finally, are any of the sex tips you read on Reddit actually helpful?

Basically, there’s a ton of info, rumors, urban legends and internet tips out there about sex, masturbation, penis health, ejaculation and better male orgasms out there. What’s real and what’s, well, just a load of spaff? Let’s dive in.

For all the masturbating men do, the orgasm can feel awfully rote. Sometimes we feel like emotionless cum machines, genetically predisposed to ejaculate and ejaculate again until we die, never being able to differentiate between one orgasm and the next. So how to turn up the heat and give our dicks the most memorable climax yet?

I reached out to some experts specializing in sex and orgasms — including two sexologists and a neurologist who studies the mid-climax brain — to find out. 

What the Science Says About Extreme Orgasm

“You might hate the answer, but an orgasm is an orgasm is an orgasm,” says Nicole Prause, neuroscientist and founder of Liberos, a biotechnology company specifically studying and measuring the human orgasm. According to Prause, any and all available research on orgasm up to this point says there is no way to feel a “stronger” climax. 

“They are reflexive, so they’re not thought to vary much in terms of physiology,” she says, referring to the physicality of orgasms — i.e., the number of contractions and intensity of contractions. 

“Further, there is no evidence that kegel exercises actually improve orgasms, and this seems unlikely given the nature of the physiology,” Prause continues, striking a dagger into an empire of sexual content online. “Similarly, the ‘hour-long’ orgasm, or similar extended orgasm experiences, have never been documented,” she adds, twisting the knife. 

Prause says there is “simply no funding for basic sex research like that,” so as of right now, there is no lab-studied, peer-reviewed scientific proof of being able to control the intensity of orgasms. 

But that doesn’t mean the door is shut on blasting a load so hard your neighbors call the cops. 

Or as Prause puts it: “People certainly report feeling that orgasms are very different, however, and that is worth exploring.”

According to Prause, there are two questionnaires to assess more qualitative aspects of the orgasm experience. “This could mean that there is some neural state that feels like a climax, but does not co-occur with pelvic contractions that we have not yet discovered. Alternatively, different experiences of orgasm may reflect the emotional context, such as feeling emotionally close to the partner or having taken a long time to experience climax during that sexual session.”

In other words, people often report changes in orgasm sensations based on the context around them — so while it hasn’t been tested in a lab, changing the context of the sexual experience could alter the veracity of one’s orgasm. 

“My vote is on the latter,” Prause tells MEL. But, being a scientist, she advises caution before dripping hot wax on your chest while alternating between edging and meditating. “The brain experience may differ in some modest ways,” she theorizes. “The brain has to generate the orgasm, and that process in the brain must occur, but it is likely the subjective part of the orgasm would be influenced by other activity (e.g., emotional) in the brain.”

In other words: Physically, orgasms are the same. Emotionally, context can change what you “feel” during an orgasm, which might subtly tweak how you might experience climax.

So, if you want an extreme orgasm, here’s what you need to know.

More Intense Male Orgasms: Ejaculation vs. Orgasm

Carol Queen, an author and sexologist, champions the idea that “regular” people of any gender “can experience a stronger-than-usual (or stronger than they’ve had so far) orgasm.” 

Queen says there are “various elements that can be involved and definitely some ‘orgasm hack’ techniques [that] will put this experience a bit more in someone’s control.” 

Steve McGough, an associate professor of clinical sexuality at the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality, admits that the “actual neuroscience is still in its infancy,” but “the current best understanding is that an orgasm tends to happen in three regions of our body… not just the contraction of the prostate.” An orgasm, McGough argues, can be “triggered in most men completely independent from the mental side.

“In fact, erection and ejaculation can be induced in men who are paralyzed and can’t feel their genitals,” McGough adds, pointing to a study in Denmark that studied disabled veterans who wanted to have children.

It’s worth keeping in mind that ejaculation and orgasm are two separate things. McGough is arguing that ejaculation is but the endpoint of what an orgasm can be. “[Ejaculation] feels good and relieves sexual pressure,” but “it is just one very small aspect of what can be experienced.” 

“Frequently guys don’t really think about having different types of orgasms, or they see orgasm and ejaculation as one experience,” McGough explains. “But is a wider range of experiences possible? Yes, if you take the time to explore things.” 

Why Arousal Matters When It Comes to Masturbation and Sex

First, pay attention to your level of arousal. In short, the more aroused you are, the “stronger” your orgasm will feel. So if you’ve turned masturbating into a daily post-lunch routine in the office bathroom, now’s the time to stop that. 

“If a person gets way more turned on than usual, the orgasm, if they have one, is going to benefit from that,” Queen tells MEL. “This example is not especially sexy, but think of the way a sneeze builds up. You can feel a sneeze coming on; sneeze right away and it’s not that explosive. But if you don’t sneeze immediately and the build-up to it continues, it can be a really big one. Orgasm is something like that, and arousal is the mental build-up and the physical status that makes sex play desired in the first place. And to get to high arousal … sometimes elements of extra kink or special circumstances — like trying to stay quiet while someone else is in the room, a new partner, etc. — are helpful.”

An easy way to achieve higher arousal is to simply hold off on orgasming. McGough compares it to drinking a glass of ice water when you’re thirsty. The thirstier you are, the better the water will taste. 

“Orgasm and its related pleasure are similar,” he says. “If you are horny to the point it’s all you think about — and just trying to release sexual pressure as quickly as possible — orgasm and ejaculation is the route for this.”

However, if you really want to amp up the pleasure pressure and reach that mystical better male orgasm, McGough and Queen advise really drawing things out during the act itself. 

Kegels, Edging and Long-Lasting Arousal for ‘Extreme’ Orgasms

Queen refers to “long-lasting arousal,” which is “what the people who are into edging play with: They are building up arousal over periods of time, recognizing imminent ejaculation or orgasm, and backing off so that arousal can continue to build.” 

She continues: “This charges up the body, basically. Like that sneeze, you are not immediately discharging the energy, but rather letting the arousal grow, and this will power the orgasm when it eventually happens.

“With high arousal and orgasm, our musculature is engaged, generally like when people arch their back, or clutch their sheets, or their toes curl,” she explains. “But trying not to do that probably allows us to take in the sensation and lets it last longer and go higher, so this strategy is in service to the higher and longer arousal tactics.”  

Meanwhile, McGough hones in on the edging aspect. “When you can have continued sexual and sensual stimulation without quickly ejaculating, something almost magical can happen,” he explains.

A big part of edging is having strong kegel muscles, so you can properly attempt to “hold back” your orgasm. When you finally break, your strong-as-hell kegel muscles will make your orgasm feel stronger. Think Sammy Sosa blasting a home run after loading up on steroids for the first time: God, that must’ve felt amazing.

“The pulsing sensation that comes with orgasm and helps power ejaculation is due to the kegel (or pubococcygeal) muscles,” Queen says. “Strengthening these can make an orgasm feel more powerful.” 

What About Sensate Focus and Mental Control for Extreme Orgasm?

Beyond strengthening the muscles themselves, McGough says, you’re also strengthening your “mental control over that area, [which will] benefit you in preventing ejaculation during sex or masturbation.” By focusing on your genitals and the pleasure therein, the thinking goes, your brain will “experience” a stronger orgasm. 

And if you really want to put in the work for extreme orgasm, McGough recommends entering a near meditative state outlined by sexual health researchers William H. Masters and Virginia E. Johnson called “sensate focus.” While this was mainly to help women achieve orgasm, McGough says it also works on “helping guys take their experience to a new level.” 

McGough continues to explain that one could even enter the mental state of “flow” during orgasm. And while “flow” is normally associated with world-class athletes and musicians, there’s no reason why you couldn’t enter this state of hyperfocus as you finesse your way through intrusive popup ads on YouPorn while straddling the bathtub ledge and aiming for the drain. 

For Great Sex and Extreme Orgasm, Get to Know Your Erogenous Zones

To continue the body and mind themes inherent in arguments for a stronger orgasm, both Queen and McGough detail the necessity of a “blended orgasm.” 

That is, “basically adding extra physical stimulation to the mix,” says Queen. “Not just stimulating one erogenous zone, but more than one. For our purposes, that could be penile stroking or oral as the basic stimulation, plus prostate stimulation, or plus nipple play, or plus kissing, or… so many options!”  

According to Queen, this isn’t just for people who need an extra push toward climaxing. It “can help boost arousal even if a person has no issue with climax.”  

Furthermore, Queen argues this isn’t just about piling on the stimulation, but rather a “more complex” way of stimulation. “Because different nerve pathways carry extra stimulation to the brain,” she says, different toys, porn, and context — like Prause mentioned earlier — can “add to arousal and hence to the power of the orgasm.”

However, Prause again urges caution, reminding us that an orgasm is a physical reflex. And because of this, she says, “it is unlikely that the orgasm ‘power’ or similar would be altered due to being initiated by new or multiple areas of sexual stimulation.”

So if the the orgasm itself will always remain the same, the least you can do is attempt to reach new heights in arousal before you bust. 

Stimulating areas like the ears, nipples and neck “will have a powerful effect” in doing just that, McGough says, pointing to a study in The Journal of Sexual Medicine that found nipple stimulation enhanced the sexual arousal in 51.7 percent of the men tested.

So let’s say you’re able to hold off on orgasming for a few days. When you finally do, change it up: Tickle your neck and ears with a feather, enter a near-meditative state, and edge two or three times before your quick bedtime shower turns into a suspiciously lengthy one. You very well could be in for one hell of an orgasm.

Your Hardest Questions About Dicks, Answered

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Quinn Myers


Quinn Myers is a staff writer at MEL. He reports on internet culture, technology, health, masculinity and the communities that flourish within.

90,000 9 effective ways to enhance orgasm

1. Watch your breathing

Usually, before orgasm, people begin to either breathe quickly or hold their breath altogether.

Go in reverse: try breathing slowly and deeply.

This will allow you to be in a more conscious state at the moment of culmination (and therefore to feel it better) and, possibly, to achieve an orgasm of the whole body.

Immediately, most likely, it will not work, it will take practice.If you succeed in slowing down your breathing, but at the same time the desire begins to subside, resume the usual breathing rhythm.

2. Move

For a bright orgasm you need liberation. But it is often at this moment of intimacy that people are most tense and motionless. One of the possible reasons may be banal embarrassment.

What to do? First, analyze which parts of the body are inactive during orgasm. And it’s not only about the pelvic region, but, for example, about the arms and legs.

Step two – experiment and set the body in motion. If you are embarrassed to fight in sudden convulsions in front of your partner, do it the first time during masturbation.

3. Delay orgasm

Delayed orgasm is usually longer and stronger. And this rule works for both women and men. But learning to postpone the finale will again take practice.

First, you will need to find your point of no return, that is, the moment after which orgasm is already inevitable.Then several times bring yourself to this pre-orgasmic state and temporarily stop stimulation. Try to postpone orgasm in this way three or four times, and then finish. The sensations are likely to be much more intense than usual.

4. Train your pelvic muscles

Kegel exercises aimed at strengthening the pelvic muscles can increase orgasm and solve a number of other problems, from urinary incontinence to rapid ejaculation.

Training options for women can be found here.The male version is in this article.

5. Stimulate the clitoris and prostate

This is pretty obvious. Many women cannot achieve vaginal orgasm at all, so engaging the clitoris is essential. Men seem to be more fortunate: stimulation of the penis almost always leads to the desired result. But if you also stimulate the prostate, the orgasm will be much stronger.

6. Pay attention to the whole body.

For a new sensation of orgasm, take your mind off the genitals and expand your sexual anatomy.Explore other parts of the body (yours and your partner’s) and try to stimulate them in different ways and with different intensities.

Concentrate on the sensations and, most importantly, do not perceive the action as a prelude.

Let your whole body become a full-fledged participant in the sexual process – then the process itself and its outcome will be more interesting.

7. Use fantasy correctly

Fantasy can both improve sex and lead to a powerful orgasm, and ruin everything in the bud.

In the first case, we are talking about erotic thoughts and dreams that a couple realizes in sex. They help you to relax, get aroused faster and experience new experiences.

The second type of fantasizing is a way of one of the partners to distract from what is happening. The reason may be anxiety, difficulty concentrating. Then one should train mindfulness and focus on bodily sensations. If the fact is that a person does not like something about sex, this is an occasion to talk with a partner or a doctor (sexologist, psychotherapist) about their experiences.

8. Use toys

On the one hand, sex toys can accelerate orgasm: here we are talking, rather, about vibrators and masturbators. On the other hand, to make the orgasm brighter. For example, if you use them for additional stimulation: here it is appropriate to think about devices for the clitoris and prostate. In general, toys can simply do what the human body is not always capable of.

So you have at least three reasons to check out a sex shop or our sex toy guide.

9. See a doctor

In some cases, it is no longer about improving orgasm, but about simply achieving it. If you are faced with such a problem or if orgasms have become less bright and strong than before, you should seek professional help from a sexologist, gynecologist or just a therapist.

Techniques and advice from sexologists: how to pump your orgasm

The material is not intended for persons under 18 years of age.If you are under 18 years old, please leave this page.

SPLETNIK.RU has collected advice from expert sexologists on how to experience an enchanting orgasm and feel a special connection with your partner.

Add Foreplay

A study published in the American scientific journal Hormones and Behavior shows that increased levels of oxytocin (the love hormone) helped couples experience more intense orgasms. This does not require drinking any supplements or vitamins, in fact, it is enough to prolong the foreplay: more hugs and kisses can do the trick.

Pause


Science says that instead of moving towards the finish line, it is more important to stretch the pleasure. This is exactly the case when the journey itself is more important than the final goal. Sexologists advise to take a short pause before the release itself, and then return to the climax point. This trick will help make your orgasm even more enchanting.

Exercises, exercises and more exercises

According to a study published in the journal Evolution and Human Behavior, sports or fitness increase testosterone levels in women by 24%.And an increase in the content of this hormone, in turn, increases libido. In addition, physical activity stimulates blood flow to the genital area, increases desire and improves mood.

Turn on heat

Take a hot bath before sex or, if time is short, place a warm towel on your vulva for a few minutes. According to Hilda Hutcherson, author of Pleasure, heat increases blood flow to the vagina, resulting in increased lubrication and sensitivity.

Try the Tantric Method

As explained by tantra teacher and founder of the Tantra Institute Chandra Bindu, Dawn Cartwright, using the power of the breath can balance the mind and make it hypersensitive to the sensations of the whole body. Discover orgasmic pleasures by breathing and swaying, and then contract your pelvic floor muscles before sex.

Tantra begins with gazing and study. Sit in front of your partner in a comfortable position facing them.Look intently into each other’s eyes for 30 seconds to one minute, making sure that your eyes do not rush from side to side. Empathy is transmitted through eye contact, and a sense of deep understanding and care from your partner often takes orgasms to the next level. My clients say that when they look in the eyes before having sex, their orgasms feel different, they feel an incredible connection with their loved one, says Holly Richmond, a psychologist at a somatic clinic and sex therapist.

Drink a stimulating drink
Let the ancient sexual stimulant work its magic: warm milk, add a pinch of saffron and drink – advises Alisa Baron Cohen, author of Sex: How to Reawaken Desire.

Saffron, which smells intense when heated, has been considered an aphrodisiac for thousands of years.

Charge the batteries

Women who use vibrators say that it is easier for them to reach orgasm during sex with a partner (without a vibrator).We were able to be convinced of this thanks to a survey conducted with 1,656 women in the center of Berman.

Those who have nothing against toys in the bedroom can try the miniature vibrating bullet or one of We-Vibe’s couple vibrators.

Over the past five years, “smart vibrators” have appeared, working on the principle of teledildonics. They allow you to remotely connect to our partners from anywhere in the world, synchronizing “pleasure patterns”. There are also devices that use biofeedback technology to learn more about what you (or your partner) need for more pleasure, as well as what time of day you have the brightest orgasms and what vibration settings you prefer, – the expert notes …

Pick the best moment

During the first two days of the menstrual cycle, women experience increased testosterone and libido, and the breasts and clitoris become hypersensitive.

Gabriel Lichterman, author of 28 Days: What Your Cycle Tells About Your Love Life and Mood, is confident that the likelihood of intense orgasms these days increases significantly. Experts also suggest that heterosexual couples are better off making love early in the morning, when men have the highest testosterone levels in their blood.

Change rhythm

According to writer Emily Dubberly, you can increase your chances of climax during sex by using the coital alignment technique (missionary version). Originally developed by psychotherapist Edward Eichel, the genital alignment technique, also known as CAT, was first described in the Journal of Sexual and Family Therapy in the 1980s.

Let your partner (if it is a man) lie on you with his pelvis directly over yours.Wrap your legs around his hips and swing gently. Move up and forward so that your clitoris is in contact with the base of his penis. Patience is a key factor in this process: you need to find your rhythm and stick to it until you reach orgasm, – the expert advises.

No wonder this method works. After all, 36.6% of women need clitoris stimulation for orgasm, almost 7 out of 10 women focus exclusively on the clitoris during masturbation.

Practice mindful masturbation

Dr. Jessica O’Reilly, sexologist and We-Vibe expert, advises focusing on pleasure and masturbating for 15-30 minutes without getting hung up on relaxation.

Explore every square inch of your body with your hands, lubricated, massage oil, vibrating toys or objects of different textures and temperatures. As you become familiar with your body’s unique responses to touch, you may find yourself enjoying yourself without orgasm as you focus less on climax, , the expert advises.

Think more about yourself

Another professional tip from Dr. O’Reilly: Be a little more selfish.
Often we cannot truly enjoy intercourse because we are too focused on the desire to please. We worry about what our partners think, feel and see. We are like spectators, not participants in the process. This is the opposite of pleasure, so ask yourself more often what you want, – says the expert.

Don’t try too hard to orgasm

This may sound counterintuitive, but according to Dr. Jill McDevitt, you should stop constantly trying to climax, and instead allow yourself to relax.

This is an old trick used by sex therapists when a client has difficulty reaching orgasm. Often people fall into the trap because they go too purposefully towards the goal (alone with themselves or with a partner). They are strongly focused on orgasm, and it is important to focus on the process: notice every touch, every kiss, every movement, – the expert notes.

Repeat Kegel exercises

Many sexologists believe that the key to brilliant orgasms is trained pelvic floor muscles.

A couple of exercises will not make any noticeable difference, but consistent, regular, continuous training to pump your pelvic floor muscles will certainly help. If this sounds too complicated, then I recommend Cal Exotics’ Dual Wand Pulse Pneumatic Stimulator. This is a silicone vibrator with a clitoris and G-spot stimulator that gently contracts and automatically relaxes those muscles so you can exercise without any problems while masturbating, says Dr. McDevitt.

Find Your Sexy Boosters

Chicago-based sexologist Gigi Engle says it’s important to examine yourself and understand what turns you on and what reduces desire.
Everyone has sex brakes and boosters, they increase our desire or slow it down. You need to figure out what you and your partner need to get in the right mood and get aroused. This method is suitable for couples with mismatched libido and is needed to find a common language. Think about erotic images or words, take the time to explore your sexuality with your partner.This will help you experience orgasms afterwards, , she explains.

Why is it difficult for a woman to reach orgasm

August 3, 2021 11:30
Katerina Danilenko


What prevents a woman from reaching orgasm

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It is not so easy for a woman to reach orgasm. In this article, we will figure out why it is difficult for a woman to achieve orgasm and name the main factors.

Read alsoHow to make sex better: tips from celebrities
This can depend on many factors that interfere with the pursuit of pleasure. What prevents a woman from having sex?

Circumstances

A woman may not reach orgasm due to fear of pregnancy.Also important is the place for intercourse and the time. For a girl, the place for intimacy may not seem hygienic enough, or the hours when she wants sex may not coincide.

Personal prejudice

These can be certain negative attitudes towards men and sex, low self-esteem, or a fear of losing control during orgasm. Even the opinions of others can affect an orgasm. For example, if a woman thinks the relationship is wrong compared to other couples.

Partner

This is one of the main factors that influences a woman’s achievement of orgasm. If a man does not know how to behave in bed with his couple, then there can be no question of pleasure. For women, it is important that the partner does not ignore the woman’s needs.

Read also How sex affects female beauty

Physiology

If a woman is not feeling well or is very tired, then she will not be able to reach orgasm. Physical condition strongly influences the desire for sex.

Text: Yulia SOLOMASHENKO

Earlier, we wrote about which foods increase libido

4 categories of sexual dysfunction and disorders

Author: Female staff

Whether I’m talking to patients or having lunch with friends, the topic of lack of sex drive seems to fill my day. As a doctor, I hear this complaint a lot. Women and their partners want to know why they lack sex drive.Is there something wrong with them? Is there a magic pill to fix this? The DSM-V identifies four categories of sexual dysfunction. Many of them are often intertwined.

Hypoactive sexual desire disorder

Patients most often report this type of sexual dysfunction. In addition, it is defined as a lack of sex drive that causes distress in women. Those who prefer to wash their clothes rather than have sex may fall into this category. However, she realizes that her lack of sex drive can be a problem.In addition, she may feel guilty as it can harm her relationship. She may also feel that something is wrong with her.

Several things can affect libido. These include relationship problems, stress, and certain medications such as birth control pills and antidepressants. In addition, postpartum women report a lack of desire caused by exhaustion, stress, hormonal and physiological changes. Research shows this usually improves after three to six months.Women in this category may initially lose interest. However, once she feels pleasure, she can respond and enjoy intercourse.

Sexual arousal disorder

Sexual arousal disorder occurs when a woman has difficulty lubricating during sex or is aroused. She may want to have sex but does not feel physically aroused. Causes can include psychological problems, external stressors, or health problems.for example, decreased blood flow to the genitals. In addition, many women notice menopausal arousal disorder and hormonal changes. However, vaginal estrogen and over-the-counter lubricants can often help.

Orgasmic dysfunction

Orgasmic dysfunction refers to the inability to achieve orgasm. It can also refer to a delay in reaching orgasm despite adequate stimulation. Some women describe their orgasms as less intense or subdued.The four types of orgasmic dysfunctions include:

• Primary anorgasmia is when a woman has never had an orgasm. This is seen in cases of sexual or emotional abuse. It is also experienced by women from some cultures who have been taught that sex is dirty or not feminine.
• Secondary anorgasmia is a reported orgasm that is still difficult to achieve.
• Situational anorgasmia The most common orgasmic dysfunction refers to the ability to achieve orgasm only in certain situations, such as masturbation or oral sex.
• Generalized anorgasmia represents a complete inability to achieve orgasm even with sexual arousal and stimulation, regardless of the situational circumstances.

Sexual pain disorders

Medical term for painful intercourse dyspareunia , a vaginal infection such as yeast or bacterial vaginosis can cause painful intercourse. In addition, thinning of the vaginal tissue and dryness during menopause can cause pain.Sometimes it can also lead to tissue rupture. Your gynecologist may examine you for vaginitis or vaginal atrophy.

In addition, when a woman expects pain, she can tighten the muscles of the vagina. “Vaginismus” can make pain worse. In addition, partners may feel that the woman is too cramped or is hitting a brick wall. Sometimes the disorder of sexual dysfunction, dyspareunia, can be treated with medication. However, as a result of emotional or relationship problems, it can be difficult to take medication.

If you feel that your sex life has deteriorated, it may be time to visit your gynecologist for an assessment. They can help you identify possible causes of your symptoms. Fortunately, many of these problems are easy to fix. Often, just by hearing about your symptoms, your doctor can put you back on the path to a healthy sex life.

90,000 How scientists study a woman’s brain during orgasm

By studying a woman’s brain at the time of orgasm, scientists are trying not only to investigate the nature of female passion, but also to find a way to control pain.

For a long time, the study of orgasm was carried out mainly by sexologists, who can be called psychologists rather than clinicians. But in recent years, representatives of fundamental medicine have joined in research on the climax of sexual intercourse. And if everything is more or less clear about the male orgasm, then the female orgasm raises many questions, to which the doctors have not yet received reliable answers.

Remains incomprehensible at least the fact why not all women are able to experience an orgasm.

According to data published in 1999 in the Journal of the American Medical Association, 43% of women in the United States have problems with their sex life, and 5-10% have never had an orgasm at all.

Another question is the existence of the so-called G-point (Grafenberg point), a special clot of nerve endings on the front wall of the vagina, which determines the achievement of orgasm with the weaker sex.Judging by the work of Italian scientists , published in 2008, about which Gazeta.Ru wrote, this point still exists. But this study did not put an end to 90,075 fierce disputes 90,076 about the validity of the theory of the German gynecologist Ernst Grafenberg, after whom the point got its name.

Thus, maybe the study of the female orgasm is not an extremely relevant direction in science, but it invariably causes interest in itself.

28 September 12:38

The basis of sexual pleasure, according to most experts, is the emotional component.Therefore, new data on the female orgasm can be obtained by tracing the activity of the brain during climax. Two similar studies of the female orgasm in the past week were reported by the popular science magazine New Scientist .

In one study, a group of scientists from Rutgers University in Newark, NJ, led by Dr. Barry Komisaruk, found that the prefrontal cortex was activated in women during orgasm. This area of ​​the brain and related structures are responsible, for example, for self-esteem and abstract thinking, in general, for various complex cognitive and behavioral functions.”Does the prefrontal cortex play a key role in creating a physiological response in the form of orgasm in fantasy or with appropriate physical stimulation?” – This question was posed by Komisaruk before continuing the research, where one of the subjects was freelance journalist Keith Shukel.

“With an eerie bang I find myself inside the tomograph.My head is tied, I am all, to the best of decency, covered with a blanket, but so that I could touch my private parts, in particular, the clitoris. I’m not here for medical procedures, not for filming an adult movie. I’m going to induce an orgasm so scientists can use an MRI scanner to study the rush of blood to the brain, ”begins Kate Shukel’s report in New Scientist.

At the beginning of the experiment, the subject tapped her thumb with her index finger for three minutes. For the next three minutes, she only imagined tapping her thumb with her index finger.After that, Shukel first performed Kegel exercises to strengthen the muscles of the pelvic floor, and then imagined that she was doing these exercises. The “warm-up” ended with real and imaginary touches to the clitoris, after which the girl was instructed to bring herself to orgasm by masturbation and indicate to the scientists the moment of culmination by raising her free hand.

“Despite such an unusual environment, I was able to do it without any problems,” the journalist said.

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Magnetic resonance imaging

NMR is a recognized abbreviation for nuclear magnetic resonance.NMR – tomography (or MRI) is a relatively new type of imaging of internal organs, which began to enter medical practice in …

The results of the tomography showed that during the masturbation the participant of the experiment activated more than 30 parts of the brain responsible for touch, memory, receiving rewards and even pain.

At the same time, the prefrontal cortex of the brain showed greater activity when the touch and tension in the pelvic area were imaginary.

These results were presented by scientists at the annual meeting of the Society of Neurologists in San Diego. There, Yanniko Georgiadis from the University of Groningen (Netherlands) got acquainted with them. In the course of similar experiments, he and his colleagues found that one of the components of the prefrontal cerebral cortex – the left orbitofrontal cortex – “turns off.” According to Georgiadis, this component may be responsible for sexual control. The observed “disconnection”, the scientist believes, is the most striking example of an “altered state of consciousness” that no one has seen during any other activity.

“I would not say that orgasm turns off consciousness, but I would say that it changes consciousness,” says Georgiadis. – If you ask people how they perceive their orgasm, they will mostly describe the feeling of loss of control. I do not dare to say yet whether this altered state is necessary to achieve greater pleasure, or if it is just a side effect. ”

The discrepancy between Georgiadis and Komisaruk’s results may have a simple explanation.

If during the experiment of Komisaruk the subjects achieved orgasm by masturbation, then Georgiadis achieved orgasm with the help of a partner.

“This kind of research is extremely useful,” said Julia Heyman, director of the Kinsey Institute for the Study of Sex, Gender and Reproduction. Orgasm is associated with the reward system in the brain and probably many other systems. We can learn a lot from such research. ”

Confirming Hayman’s words, Komisaruk hopes that his further research on orgasm will help not only improve the sex life of many women, but also help a person control pain and other physical sensations with the power of thought.

Sexology

Everything that you wanted to know about the male orgasm, but … As it turned out, the interest in male orgasm is practically the same for both men and women – both of them ask questions that seem to be about unknown creatures from Mars. And these questions are repeated – curiosity is not saturated.

Are orgasm and ejaculation the same thing?

No, these are different phenomena. In a man, orgasm, as a rule, begins during ejaculation, so they are identified.But in fact, ejaculation is a material phenomenon: some muscles contract, others relax, the urethra opens, etc. Orgasm, on the other hand, is an emotional, sensory experience that can accompany the physical reactions of the body.

However, a man has both orgasm without ejaculation and ejaculation without orgasm. The first is when taking certain medications, or when having surgery on the prostate or vas deferens, or when certain local nerves are affected. The second (ejaculation without orgasm) – in the framework of depression or weakening of the tone of the prostate.

In addition, some Eastern teachings consider ejaculation an unnecessary and even harmful waste of a man’s biological material and vital energy and suggest techniques for separating orgasm and ejaculation. But this is a completely different topic …

Can and should a man have several ejaculations (and orgasms) in a row?

In youth, many men have a state of youthful hypersexuality, when immediately after ejaculation, fatigue does not occur, but desire arises again and again.And most importantly, an opportunity arises, that is, an erection sufficient for penetration. But by the age of 30, most men have both the desire and the ability to repeat acts in one meeting disappear. And the assessment of what is happening is changing: the man comes to the conclusion that it is better to do the job once – but fully than to pretend to be a rabbit.

In general, the body itself knows its norm: if it turns out to have one intercourse after another, then this means that there is strength. But as soon as the limit is exhausted, no tricks on the part of the partner or medicinal effects will take effect.

Therefore, you should not unconditionally trust the stories of friends about how they reached orgasm after orgasm, taking a certain pill or having contact with a certain magical woman.

How to treat accelerated ejaculation?

First, the concept of “accelerated” has only a statistical meaning: if ejaculation occurs earlier than a minute after penetration. But it does not mention how excited the man was before, whether the woman needs him to last longer than a minute, etc.Therefore, it would be more adequate to assess the speed of attaining orgasm by a man during intercourse by how comfortable it is for both partners.

If, for example, a woman needs 45 minutes to be satisfied, and a man can only 44 – who will turn his tongue to say that he has an accelerated ejaculation? On the other hand, if after 10-15 frictions a man ejaculates, and his wife says, “Well done, and I’m happy” – is it worth talking about acceleration?

In addition, sex is not limited ONLY to frictions, that is, movements of the penis in the vagina.Sex is a huge variety of communication, affection, coquetry, seduction, relationships of characters and personalities. Therefore, those who do not know how or do not want to solve the couple’s intimate problems in a different way are often talking about accelerated ejaculation.

How to extend the act up to an hour, or even better – up to two?

Although many men sincerely believe that this will allow them and their woman to reach some new heights, learn new sensations, etc., in fact, there is no such pattern. Moreover, if a woman does not need sex too much or if she reaches orgasm quickly enough, then further continuation of frictions may be completely uninteresting and unnecessary for her.At the same time, even after 5 minutes of frictions a man feels tired, but what will happen after an hour? ..

Sex is not work to be done, but pleasure and enjoyment. And this pleasure can be achieved in a short time, and it can not be achieved with prolonged restraint. Everything is individual.

Why oral sex excites much more than ordinary sex – maybe nature is hiding something from us …

Of course, nature has many mysteries, but in this case we are talking about fantasy, and not about what we inherited from animal ancestors.Vaginal sex can become normal, habitual, non-obsessive over time. In such conditions, any other types of intimate communication will be regarded as more interesting. But oral sex can become boring in the same way – and, perhaps, then vaginal sex will become “strawberry”.

In addition, public opinion gives oral sex some magical effect, creating advertisements for it that cannot be resisted. So both men and women buy into this, although they are often disappointed with the results …

What determines the power of ejaculation and how is orgasm related to this?

Usually the first portion of sperm is fired with more force, and each next – with less and less.And at the same time, every man knows that even after the erection subsides, after 5-10 minutes a sticky liquid is still secreted from the urethra. So the last portions just flow out. This is fine. The strength of ejaculation depends on two parameters: the state of the prostate and the duration of abstinence. A young, tight, active prostate pushes out ejaculate with great force, and a flabby one that has undergone inflammation or with age-related changes is much weaker.

In addition, the volume of ejaculate (and, accordingly, the duration of abstinence) stimulates the force of sperm ejection.So with frequent ejaculations, the experience of orgasm gradually decreases, and then the desire to have intercourse. This is how the body gives itself rest.

How does circumcision affect the male orgasm?

If circumcision was done BEFORE the onset of sexual activity, then it practically does not affect the arousal of the head and the speed of reaching orgasm. In such cases, some of the men may have an accelerated ejaculation, while others may have it at the usual time – but this does not depend on circumcision in any way.

But if the circumcision was done in a man who already has his sexual experience, then the sensations from the constantly naked head of the penis will initially cause unpleasant feelings, and sometimes pain. But gradually the head will coarsen a little and, perhaps, the time of ejaculation will lengthen. Although this cannot be guaranteed: everyone has their own sensitivity, their own mental excitability – which no less affects the speed of reaching orgasm.

Does male orgasm depend on posture?

Not to a large extent.Although when you change the position, the area of ​​contact between the head of the penis and the walls of the vagina also changes – and this can lead to new sensations, acceleration or slowdown of orgasm, etc.

But to a lesser extent, the male orgasm is influenced by a certain inner meaning of the posture. For example, the openness of a woman in a classic pose or peculiarities of a posture from behind, or activity in a cowgirl pose. There is also an individual assessment of the poses: for example, the classic – “modest”, excites less than the “depraved” position on all fours, oral sex is a sign of “depravity”, which gives him additional excitement, and the position on his side awakens memories that completely extinguish the very strong excitement … And so on, and these assessments are exclusively individual and practically not subject to discussion.

Is it true that a long absence of ejaculation is a sure death for potency?

Quite the opposite: ejaculation is a strong natural instinct that depends on the strength of arousal, on the level of sex hormones in the blood. In the absence of sexual activity and masturbation, emissions regularly occur – nighttime involuntary ejaculation, with which the body itself regulates its condition. But if there is no ejaculation (in any form) for long enough, this means that not enough sperm is produced to trigger the emission mechanism.

Is there an orgasm in men at the age of menopause – after all, sex hormones are no longer produced?

Sex hormones are produced throughout life – but after the onset of menopause, their level drops sharply. More intense stimulation and longer intimacy are now required to reach orgasm. But an orgasm is possible for a man of any age.

Prokopenko Yu.P., candidate of medical sciences

In pursuit of orgasm

Why do we experience sexual arousal? A naive answer would be simple: a sufficiently long absence of sexual contact, contemplation of the desired person, direct stimulation of erogenous zones, a powerful release of male hormones, etc.e. The psychoanalyst will tell us that the mechanism is much more complicated. Robert Stoller argues that sexual arousal comes mainly from a desire to harm a partner and that it can culminate because it hides a secret. “Fantasies, conscious or unconscious, function all the better because they are secret, unspoken, suppressed, because they arise more from feelings of guilt, shame and hatred than from cheerful lust” [7]. R. Stoller lists the psychological factors that contribute to sexual arousal: “Hostility, mystery, risk, illusion, revenge, the desire to oust childhood traumas and frustrations from consciousness, fetishization.All these factors are associated with mystery. ” In other words, thanks to fantasies, an adult, a former child victim, finds an opportunity for revenge in an erotic victory. The same author gives the following example: “One patient, who since childhood was afraid of humiliation that accompanied any of her actions, said that the best moment during intercourse for her was not an orgasm, but the one when she understood that her partner could not hold back more. ” In the first place among the exciting fantasies is rape.The fact that it occupies a large place in the male imagination has long been known: numerous “academic” pictures testify to this. Among others, let us name the paintings by J.-L. Jerome (the one who initiated the abandonment of the Caillebotte inheritance), the Arabian Concubine Market and The Snake Charmer (Stirling and Francine Clark Art Institute, Williams Town), who would be more suitable for the satisfaction of homosexuals. In the arrogant male discourse on violence, the idea is that “women love it.” “It’s so,” agrees R.Stoller is true, only on the condition that the violence takes place only in the imagination of the woman. Imaginary rape convinces the woman of her own irresistibility and gives her a sense of superiority over the rapist. Through masturbation, she can reach orgasm without feeling guilty (since she was not “really” wrong). N. Frady gives a lot of examples that are consonant with the theses of R. Stoller [8]. Let’s dwell on two. “My first erotic fantasy happened right after puberty.Lying in bed at night, I imagined that I was walking through the woods. An unfamiliar man followed me. He grabbed me and made me do different things against my will. Later, the fantasy was modified: I imagined that I was being kidnapped and sold into slavery. There were many options in this story, because I was bought and resold many times, I always got to different men. ” Another example, in which we are not talking about violence, but about the depersonalization of a partner whom a woman reduces to the level of a fetish: “I imagine a lot of things when I masturbate.Sometimes I imagine a man who appears at the door and wants to sell me something. I invite him to come in. As he arranges his wares, I begin to fondle myself. He looks at me. It obviously turns him on. It can be seen that it is increasingly difficult for him to advertise his junk. Then I undress and begin to masturbate, not stopping to watch how he tries to control himself. He barely restrains himself, I, of course, look imperturbable, but here I am already starting to get excited. Unable to resist my spell, the man pounces on me right in the middle of the living room. “What are these games of the imagination? Perversion? No, says R. Stoller, who shares with us the “secret society”. Here it is: “We try to make scapegoats out of all strange people, but all those who collect erotic fantasies – psychoanalysts and various others – know that many citizens, seemingly heterosexual and normal, and not just lovers of snuggling in transport, or those who are excited by vomiting, or bestiality, coprophilia, those who like to speak obscenities on the phone are also full of hatred and desire (if not ready-made plans) to harm others: everyone has bad addictions.