How to Tell If Your Spouse Is Lying: Lying in Relationships

Nearly everyone lies from time to time, and lying out of consideration may even help protect someone else’s feelings or keep stability in your relationship. However, excessive or destructive lying can irreparably harm your relationship with your spouse.

So, how can you tell if or when your spouse is lying? Spotting a liar isn’t easy. Your own suspicions can get in the way of getting to the truth. Know the signs that you are being lied to, and what you can do if you think your spouse is lying to you.

Why People Lie In Relationships

People choose to lie for many underlying reasons. These can range from well-intentioned and benign to a deliberate attempt to cause pain. Reasons for lying might include:

• Trying to protect someone else’s feelings
• Avoiding conflict, embarrassment, or having to face the consequences of their behavior
• Fear of rejection or losing their spouse
• Hiding something they did or did not do
• Maintaining control of a situation
• Making themselves look good, or more successful, special, or talented than they really are
• Postponing having to make changes in lifestyle

While people might tell lies as a way to protect their partner’s feelings or to avoid conflict, these and other lies still cause problems in a relationship by decreasing trust and intimacy.

Signs of Lying

While it can be helpful to know some of the typical signs of lying, it’s also easy to misunderstand such behaviors. In fact, one study found that people were only able to accurately detect lying 54% of the time in a lab setting. So if you believe someone is lying, you only have a 50 /50 chance of being right.

Since detecting a lie is not always easy or straightforward, don’t count on these signs to identify lying. Just because someone displays some of the following behaviors, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re lying.

• Avoiding eye contact, eyes glancing to the right, staring past you, or turning away from you while talking
• Being hesitant
• Being vague, offering few details
• Body language and facial expressions don’t match what is being said, such as saying “no” but nodding the head up and down
• Continual denying of accusations
• Crossing arms or legs
• Defensiveness
• Differing behaviors such as not acting in the usual way
• Inconsistencies in what is being shared
• Lack of finger-pointing
• Lack of many pronouns while talking
• Lack of use of contractions, emphasizing “not” when talking
• Partial shrug
• Perspiring on the brow if it isn’t a warm day
• Placing a barrier such as a desk or a chair in front of self
• Playing with hair
• Providing more information and specifics than is necessary or was asked for
• Rigidity or fidgeting
• Saying “no” several times
• Slouching posture
• Smugness
• Stalling the conversation by repetitive use of pauses and comments like “um” or “you know”
• Touching chin or rubbing brows
• Unnatural or limited arm and hand movements
• Unusual calmness
• Unusual voice fluctuations, word choice, sentence structure
• Unwillingness to touch spouse during a conversation
• Use of word fillers or evasive answers when on the telephone

It’s possible to mistake nervousness, distraction, or lack of eye contact for lying, This may result in misreading or mislabeling your spouse’s behaviors. Nonverbal clues to lying can be difficult to spot and vary from individual to individual.

Scientists even have conflicting views about this topic. Some researchers state that eye movement is not a good predictor of lies, for example.

Impact of Lying in a Relationship

Some lies may seem harmless, and the occasional lie is probably inevitable (especially in the case of white lies or lies of omission). But even little, infrequent lies can add up to distrust and other relationship problems.

• Decreased trust: If your partner keeps telling lies, it can have a direct impact on trust. The more lies they tell, the less you trust them or have faith in their honesty.
• Lower intimacy: Intimacy requires emotional vulnerability, which can become nearly impossible without a foundation of trust and honesty.
• Diminished compassion and empathy: Lying makes it harder to detect someone’s emotions, which in turn, can diminish the compassion and empathy you feel toward that person.
• More lies and deception: One study found the brain can adapt to dishonesty. In other words, the more someone lies, the more their brain gets used to lying.

How to Deal With a Lying Spouse

If you suspect that your spouse is being dishonest, there are steps you can take to respond with compassion for both your partner and yourself.

• Rely on your instincts. It’s important to trust your intuition. Your gut reaction may be more accurate than trying to identify stereotypical behaviors often associated with lying such as fidgeting and lack of eye contact.
• Set healthy expectations for honesty. For example, expecting your spouse to tell you exactly where they are and what they are doing at every minute of the day is an unreasonable request. Making it may perpetuate lying.
• Pause to think before responding to what your partner is telling you. When your partner is relaying what you think to be a lie, take a brief moment before you answer. This will give you a moment to process any of your spouse’s lying patterns and keep you from responding impulsively.
• Ask direct questions or challenge what your spouse is saying. A 2008 study suggests asking for eye contact and then requesting that the story be told in reverse. Lying takes a considerable amount of effort, so if you ask your spouse to retell their story out of chronological order, cracks in the story and other behavioral indicators may be easier to spot.

Should You Confront a Lying Spouse?

Some experts believe that the sooner the cards are all out on the table, and the sooner honesty is lived out once again in a partnership, the better.

However, you may also consider waiting until you have discovered more information and facts before confronting your spouse with your suspicions. Only you know what is most comfortable for you and what is best for your specific situation.

Should You Forgive Your Partner?

Whether or not you forgive your partner for lying is a highly individual choice that may depend on their past pattern of behavior as well as how much harm was caused by the lie. Similarly, only you can decide how much lying is acceptable in your relationship. Certainly, it is more difficult to forgive a spouse for infidelity than it is for lying about going to happy hour with coworkers.

Keep in mind, however, that holding a grudge can chip away at your well-being and relationship, so do your best to communicate your hurt and eventually accept the lie. Forgiving your spouse doesn’t mean that you condone the lying or hurtful behavior.

If you are struggling with problems caused by lying in a relationship, consider marriage counseling. Even if your spouse won’t go with you, talking to a marriage counselor can help you come to terms with the lying and help you let go and forgive so you can move on.

Frequently Asked Questions

How can I learn to trust my spouse after they lied to me?

It will take time and effort on the part of you and your spouse. Rebuilding trust and getting your relationship back on track often starts with being honest about the underlying cause of betrayal and committing to forgiving your partner.

Is lying a type of abuse?

It depends on why your spouse is lying. People who engage in emotional abuse often lie as a way to control and manipulate their partner. For example, lying is often a big part of gaslighting, which is a form of manipulation that occurs in abusive relationships.

What should I do if my spouse accuses me of lying?

If the accusation is false, you may want to consider why your spouse suspects you of lying. Are they insecure in your relationship? Has your level of intimacy changed recently? Are they gaslighting you, or cheating themselves? Figuring out the why can help guide you to decide what to do next.

A Word From Verywell

While some lying is normal, and can serve as a way to keep the peace or avoid hurting the other person’s feelings, trying to cover up actions or telling repeated lies can undermine a relationship. The bottom line: Honesty is a healthier approach for a happy marriage.

How To Deal With A Lying Husband?- Coping When The Spouse Is Lying

‘My husband is a great father and a very caring husband, he is responsible. But he just doesn’t stop lying. He lies about the small things and the big thing. Sometimes it is because he doesn’t want to hurt me, at other times because his ego wouldn’t let him own up. Even when he knows he is lying, he cannot help himself. He tries to cover up but now I find it difficult to believe anything and have this urge to cross-check and it is affecting our relationship. How do I deal with a lying husband? 

“We have had long conversations about it and he has promised that he will stop, but he hasn’t?  Why does he feel the need to lie so much? Does he not understand what lying does to a marriage? I am on my last nerve with my husband,” wrote Nancy Gonsalves (name changed) to our expert counsellors. 

Nancy’s situation is not unique. Many women go through this. All of us lie, it is a human trait. It can range from little harmless lies to hurtful, manipulative ones. 

Usually, we lie to make ourselves seem better or to gain an advantage over the other person that we otherwise wouldn’t have. It could also be about protecting oneself from a negative reaction which we know will follow – lying creates or maintains an image which is not true so in one sense you are duping the other.

Related Reading: How To Maintain Your Sanity If Your Partner Is A Compulsive Liar

Some say, lies are a ‘man’s cheat code’ to a happy marriage and they use it to keep their spouses pleased. Many husbands believe that lies between couples are harmless and that they actually help maintain peace in the otherwise layered relationship.

Many unnecessary arguments and disagreements can be avoided by lying and ultimately the end (a peaceful and happy coexistence) justifies the means. But do experts agree on it?

Many men feel that lies about small things are ‘okay’ as long as they are loyal in the marriage. But, ‘lies are lies’ and little by little they can erode one of the biggest gifts that two people can give each other – the gift of being trustworthy! Lies can destroy faith in your partner.

So how does one deal with a lying husband? To understand that you have to know why husbands lie in the first place. 

Why Do Husbands Lie About Small Things?

Husbands lie over small petty things for various reasons. It could be to protect the relationship, hide a dirty secret, dodge a conflict, or turn the situation in his favour. 

Men lie so that the women in their life won’t have an emotional meltdown. For instance if he gets home late and says he was drinking at the club his wife might hit the roof, but if he says he was stuck at work that would ensure peace at home. 

“You cannot help but become a lying husband if you don’t want to get shouted at the drop of a hat. If I tell my wife I forgot to get the cream cheese on a grocery trip she would sulk, but if I said that all the cream cheese was finished on the rack, it would take care of the situation,” said Joseph Ruskin (name changed). 

Men say they would lie less if women would react in a less volatile manner and be more chilled out like the men are.

In all our research one thing that came out strongly though was that husbands lie to avoid conflict or to hide things they are sure will trigger a reaction from their wives.

But, as they say, ‘lie begets lie’, and once a husband starts resorting to lies, there is no escape from it. A lying husband gets into the habit to tell the untruth to save himself from a precarious situation. 

This can become a nasty habit or a pattern where he may lie for anything, be it big or small. A wife may find it difficult to ‘trust‘ a husband who utters lies all the time. Here is the moment of truth for such men: you cannot lie and expect your wife to trust you. Chances are she may never trust you and question you even when you are speaking the truth.

So, this compulsive lying habit plants doubt in a wife’s mind and proves to be detrimental, especially in an intimate relationship like marriage, which is based on trust and honesty.

If a husband lies and hides things quite often, count this as a breach of trust in a marriage. However, from a husband’s perspective, ‘harmless lies’ protect and preserve the relationship with their spouse. So, he may tell simple lies like:

• “No, baby! You have not put on weight.”
• “I was not checking out that hot chick!”
• “I didn’t smoke a cigarette.”
• “I didn’t break the vase.”
• “Oh, baby! I just forgot about buying the fish from the market. Can you order it from the store?”
• “She is just a friend, you are just overthinking”.
• “That meal was fabulous”.

Remember ladies there’s a difference between expecting transparency and expecting honesty. At times these small lies are his way to care and love you. But men, lying too often can, in the long run, become toxic for the relationship. 

Your wife will feel manipulated and tricked. She may also feel that you do not credit her with enough intelligence and may use this disappointment to cry on the shoulders of another man or an ex. 

Also from the man’s point of view lying about one thing could lead to lying about others, he may not acknowledge his daily exchanges with an ex, laying the grounds for infidelity.   

So, lying in a marriage slyly erodes the quality of marital happiness and satisfaction. But if a wife is careful and observant, she may identify the ‘lying spouse signs’ before it’s too late.

Related reading: 6 things men can do to win women’s trust

7 Common Signs Of A Lying Husband To Watch Out For

When you live with your husband, you know him inside out. It is not very tough to spot the signs of a lying husband. How he reacts to situations, addresses tricky challenges, and even lies will be easy to identify. lying has a pattern, here are some sure-shot signs of a liar to watch out for.

1. Questions your ‘questions’

A seasoned liar avoids answering a direct question. He uses a variety of tactics to deviate the spouse from the topic and redirects the question towards you. Chances are, you will fall for it as well. A classic example:

You: Are you attracted to her?
Him: How could you think I would be attracted to her!

This gives him time to think and come up with more lies. If you feel you are being played, be stern and ask to answer in a direct “Yes” or “No”. If he still takes time to answer, chances are that he is hiding things from you.

Another way to check if he is lying is to check for gaslighting. This is when a person tries to make you question your judgment and manipulate you into thinking that you are wrong. 

In this case he is trying to gaslight you with his lies. 

Is your husband gaslighting you?

2. Uses ‘word-fillers’ to respond quite often

Lying husbands need a longer time to process a lie and make it sound believable and truthful to their wives. Liars buy time through the use of word fillers like “umm”, “ah huh”, etc. to process thinking while formulating a believable lie in the middle of a conversation. 

Also check for the word, you know, and I mean are huge word fillers. But remember they could be habit words too, so you need to see if these word fillers are used in every conversation or in only some. Dealing with a lying husband is not easy. Check if he is being fidgety, sweaty, nervous or tense.

Check if your husband is speaking more formally with you than he normally does? This is a sign that he is under stress and could be related to lying.

Related Reading: Dealing With A Cranky Husband – 13 Tips That Work

3. Takes longer response time, even for easy questions

Even for hot questions that can be easily answered within seconds with a “Yes” or a “No”, a lying husband may use the ‘excuse escape’ to avoid tricky situations. Because lying takes effort, words don’t flow as smoothly when someone is telling a lie. 

They have to pause and search for words to fit. If you witness such behaviour, then there are chances that he is trying to hide things or keeping a secret from you. You could ask follow-up questions, they should be even more discerning. His response to those will be vague. That could be a clue.

What to do when your husband lies to you all the time? Just check if he is thinking a lot before answering your simple question. “Were you at golf?” could have been your question. Instead of a simple “Yes” he could be taking off his coat, his shoes, arranging those in the closet then answering you. This means he is biding time and thinking of the “right answer”. 

He could be lying to keep a secret

4. His ‘speech patterns’ keep changing

Ironically, when a husband lies, he may use a higher pitch more often to cover up the wrongdoing in a relationship. Or his hesitation in replying can be experienced through slips of the tongue and grammatical errors.

He may even talk fast; just to end the uneasy conversation with the wife. Such discrepancies in the tone of voice and speech patterns reveal the truth that he may be lying to his sweetheart. 

Also, check if they are stuttering and they normally don’t. Dealing with lying in a relationship is not easy but you have to keep a watch on this.  

Stuttering and using filler words go hand in hand because both are virtually involuntary reactions to trying to speak something that’s not the truth. Remember anxiety and nervousness causes a change in voice pitch, also it can be a distracting tactic!

5. Decode ‘hand-to-face’ gestures

Lies, when uttered, don’t support the natural body language. Even when a compulsive liar frames a convincing reply, his body may exhibit extreme signs of physical stress. A wife can observe and take cues from these body language signs to find out whether her husband is lying or not.

Keep an eye on his eye movements. If the husband avoids making eye contact in a conversation, then this may reveal his reluctance in sharing the truth with you. 

Even if he is able to maintain eye-to-eye contact, he may feel uncomfortable. Additionally, if he dramatically blinks his eyes or squints more often, then do watch out for a lie

His facial expressions keep changing during the course of the lie. He may support his fabricated words with a fake smile that does not reach the eyes. Or he may cover the face, rub the eyes or nose more often to evade confrontation. Biting the lip or sweating, slight blushing might indicate a lie being uttered

Standing with crossed arms or sitting with legs crossed means he is being defensive. Hiding hands in his pocket may signify that he is not coming clean in the conversation.

Check if he is trying to end the conversation and flee the room. Where is his body pointed towards, you or in the direction of the door?

Related Reading: Has Your Husband Checked Out Emotionally? 12 Signs Of a Failing Marriage

6. His lie ‘versions’ keep changing

A lie story is not always the same; it keeps on changing every time someone probes about it. The inconsistencies in recalling accounts, even in minor details, are solid proof that the spouse is lying. You could ask them to tell the story backwards.  

If you suspect your husband of lying ask him to recall events backwards rather than forward in time. He will probably goof up in the little details. For example, start at the end of a story and ask them to explain what happened right before that point. And then, before that… and so on.

This could sound a bit like you are trying to interrogate him. A better way to do it is suddenly ask a question related to some incident he told you a few days back. If he was lying he would not know where to pick up from suddenly. If he wasn’t lying he would be able to repeat things word by word without a thought. 

7. Guards phone next to life

A cheating husband, in order to keep his extramarital affair a secret, will keep his phone guarded at all costs. He comes home late, hides things or plans secret getaways with the other woman. 

To protect his lies and avoid any consequences, he may keep his phone with himself all the time.

If he spots you anywhere near his phone and blurts out in bafflement, or snatches it from you, then there are 100% chances that he is lying or protecting a secret.

If you find that he has suddenly password protected his phone then you have reason to believe he has been lying to you about all his late-night work pressure.

If he stiffens when you come near him when he is messaging and takes his call only in the balcony when you are not around, then you can be sure you are dealing with a lying husband. 

The next step is to confront him for the lies and deal with the severity of the situation.

How To Cope And Deal With A Lying Husband?

Lies – be it about small things like smoking a cigarette or keeping big secrets like an extramarital affair – have no place in a committed relationship like marriage. 

So, after tallying the sign of your spouse’s toxic lies pattern, perhaps it is time to confront him and address the problems in your marriage. Now is the time to act on a lying husband and try things to make sure he changes that. 

Or at least let him know that you know that he is lying and you can spot it. If he is cheating on you and then lying about it we will tell you how you can deal with a lying spouse.

1. Review his lying pattern

The first step of dealing with a lying husband begins while reviewing the types of lies.

Does he lie to paint himself in a promising light? Or wants to avoid any shame or embarrassment like family background, past relationships, career challenges and financial status with the use of a lie?

Is he trying to keep an affair a secret and so lies constantly because he wants to have both women around him? 

Or is he lying out of compulsion? In other words, lying is a part of his personality and life and he is a ‘pathological liar’. 

Such individuals create an illusion around them through lies. He may reveal false information about everything, including the past, accomplishments, and family

If you review his lying pattern then you will know why he is lying. Is it just white lies that he is in a habit of uttering or it’s more dangerous and he is trying to gaslight you?

Understanding the degrees of lies will help you identify the next step in the spousal lie coping mechanism.

Related reading: 12 Warning Signs Of Gaslighting and 5 Ways To Deal With It

2. Reflect on how you will react if he tells you the truth

The second step is to contemplate your reactions after witnessing the reality of spousal lies. The premise is simple – unwanted situations and arguments may force him to lie. So, imagine the scenarios around the lies of your husband. 

If he was honest and open about him spending time with his friends, would you get angry or retaliate? Or if he forgot to buy groceries one day, would you yell at him and blow things out of proportion?

If YES is your answer, then you are also even if in part, responsible for the toxic lying pattern. So, while dealing with the lying husband, understand that he needs a safe and trusted environment that values honesty and encourages him to speak the truth.

3. Communicate and beat the toxicity of lies together as a couple

The next way to deal with the negative lying pattern is to communicate this issue to your spouse. Tell him that you are hurt that he doesn’t trust you and keeps on lying to keep things comfortable in the marriage.

Accept your flaws of impulsive and irrational reactions as well. Have a heart-to-heart chat and work together to beat the toxic influences in your marriage by curbing lies and being more honest with each other.

Dealing with lying in a relationship is not easy. You might already have serious issues in the relationship that is leading to this whole lying syndrome. 

First straighten out those issues. You may take the help of relationship counselling to do that. Then the lying would automatically stop. 

Find out why he is lying

4. Confront him if it is an extramarital affair

How do I deal with a husband who is lying in a marriage? If he is unfaithful in a marriage, then confronting is a powerful way to express your hurt and resentment. You can check for the signs of cheating, if you identify with them you will have to act on it.

Have open communication with him and tell him how betrayed you feel due to his dishonesty in marriage via an extramarital affair. However, if your husband has a habit of lying, getting him to come clean about any transgression will not be easy. That’s why you must gather adequate evidence about the affair that he won’t be able to refute before you sit down to talk to him.

Invest in a spy cam to monitor his activities in case you suspect he’s using your home for clandestine meetings with his lover in your absence. Get good spyware to clone his phone and computer and track his activities virtually. The evidence you gather through these means may or may not hold up in a court of law, should you decide to take that route. But it will definitely help in getting him to admit to cheating and open channels for communication.

Lies can tie you and your spouse in a cobweb of toxicity. So, the moment you find out your husband is lying to you, don’t ignore it. Our Bonobology relationship counsellors also reiterate the fact that a lie has no place in a relationship like a marriage.  

Many couples share how this toxic lying pattern can crack or break the very foundations of trust. So, to save your marriages from this torment, catch the ‘lying bug’ in time and crush it. This is one of the trusted ways of dealing with a lying husband and saving many marriages from negatives like secrecy and dishonesty.

FAQs

1. What lying does to a marriage? 

Compulsive lying habit plants doubt in a wife’s mind and proves to be detrimental, especially in an intimate relationship like marriage, which is based on trust and honesty. While the husband might think they are using white lies to protect the marriage, the opposite can happen. 

2. Why does my husband lie to me about everything? 

Your husband lies to you about everything maybe because it’s a habit, he is compulsive liar. He could also be cheating so he is constantly lying to cover your tracks. 

3. What to do when your husband lies to you all the time? 

You need to understand why he is lying. Do you get argumentative or yell at him if he makes small mistakes? Chances are he lies to you to avoid such a situation. He could be lying to you because he is cheating or there could be deeper issues in the relationship. You can confront him or look for counselling too. 

4. Should I stay with my lying husband? 

There is no reason not to stay with your lying husband. But if you feel that his lies are taking a toll on your mental health and you see no sign of him changing, then you can think of walking out. 

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Husband Lies And Hides Things? (5 Alarming Reasons Why)

Does your husband constantly lie?

Are you wondering why he does this and what it could mean for your relationship?

Perhaps you’re wondering if you can trust him? 

If so, read on. This guide offers some valuable advice to how to deal with this situation. 

However, before we dive into the meat of this advice, I want to tell you about this incredible online tool I discovered.  

With just a few of your partner’s details, this tool can offer up a huge database of their communications history. 

You’ll discover what online services he’s signed up to, who he’s been frequently contacting and what contact details he’s registered, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg.  

Put simply, if he’s been cheating on you or engaging in other dishonest behaviour, this tool is likely to make it immediately clear. 

The guide below will offer some more detailed tips for dealing with a liar. 

We also address what you can do when you having a lying husband and how to tell if your spouse is lying in the first place.

What Lying Does To A Marriage?

Lying can do a number of corrosive things to a marriage or a relationship. Here we look at a few of the biggest issues that it can cause and what the result of that may be.

Lying Causes Lack Of Trust

Without a shadow of a doubt, the biggest issue that lying can do to a marriage is cause a huge amount of distrust. One of the main things that people look for in a partner is honesty and when that person lies, it can make trusting them hard – if not impossible.

Trust and being honest is perhaps the most important things that a relationship needs to stand the test of time. Being secretive and hiding things from one another will only cause pain in the long run and make a marriage far more hard work than it need to be.

Lying Causes Stress

It can be so stressful when you are married to someone who consistently lies to you. Their dishonesty can make you question your partner all the time and wonder whether they are telling the truth or going behind your back to hide things again.

Stress can therefore make it difficult for you to relax and enjoy the good parts about your relationship and the best bits of your partner. As a result, lying can be a hugely debilitating thing to occur in a relationship and can stop it from having any real future.

Lying Causes Resentment

One of the most negative feelings a wife and a husband can have towards each other is resentment. If your partner is forever lying to you, then it can cause a huge amount of animosity from the hurt that it can cause. When boundaries are crossed, or perhaps a partner is caught cheating on the other, it can be difficult to even know if you love that person anymore as you are so hurt by their reckless behavior.

It can get to the point that the lies just breed bitterness and antagonism between the two of you so that other problems just become bigger and bigger. Sometimes, if those problems get too big, it can be difficult to stay together.

Why Does My Husband Lie To Me About Little Things?

So why do people lie in relationships? And why does your husband lie to you about even the little things like what he watched on TV last night, or even what he got up to at work that day? It will vary from partner to partner, but there are often a number of common and sometimes alarming reasons why your partner will lie to you from time to time – if not all the time.

To Protect Your Feelings

Your partner may have the best intentions at heart when he lies to you about the little stuff. He may feel that by not telling you the truth, then he is actually sparing your feelings in the long run. He may also not feel the need to share the truth with you about any manner of issues going on in his life.

For Ease

Men, on the whole, tend to not want to fight with their other halves. As such, they can often be caught lying as they likely did not tell the truth in the first place as it was easier simply to have lied. For example, if he said he was at work as opposed to the truth – that he was having a boys’ night out, he probably did not want to kick up a fuss.

This could be because you would have immediately assumed that a boys’ night meant flirting with other women. In situations like this, he probably just lied not to make a big deal out of something that he did not think was an issue.

He Doesn’t Want An Argument

A natural extension of a man’s propensity to lie for an easier life, you may find that your husband does not tell the truth as he simply does not want to cause an argument. The example of a boys’ night is pertinent in situations where your husband may be worried that you will get angry with what he is really doing. He may feel that keeping the truth a secret, he is simply saving your relationship a fight.

He Doesn’t Respect You

Sadly, men will often lie to a partner when they do not respect their other half. The reason that he does not tell you the truth is that he simply does not feel the need to give you the common courtesy of knowing the full picture. This can be really tough to deal with when you are in a relationship with someone that you love. But it does say a lot about the chances it has of lasting. If he doesn’t respect you now, he never will.

He May Want To Break Up

It may sound extreme, but a lying husband can be a clear sign that he does not see the relationship lasting. He is probably lying to you because he doesn’t see a future with you as his partner and he hasn’t got the energy to tell you the truth that may upset you or cause you pain. His hiding the truth can also be a sign that he has lost respect for you and that is why he is thinking about breaking up.

What Do You Do When Your Husband Lies To You?

Perhaps the key thing to do when you have a husband who is continually lying to you is to up the lines of communication with him and get him talking to you about your worries. In the best circumstances, he will hopefully be completely unaware of the hurt he is causing you and hopefully by hearing what you have to say, he will simply stop therefore and then.

In reality, this won’t be so immediate in most relationships. Firstly, it may have become a bad habit of his to lie to you and so he will find it hard to stop doing. Secondly, his lies will have hurt you in a number of ways that you will need to talk through to build up the trust and respect again your relationship.

However, without telling how his actions are making you feel, then there is no chance of your relationship ever being the partnership that you will have wanted it to be. You need to talk to your husband about your worries as quickly as possible – even if it is over very small white lies, but particularly so if you are worried that his is having an affair.

The longer the lies go on, the more damage and harm they may cause.

How Can You Tell If Your Spouse Is Lying?

There are a couple of ways that you can tell if your other half is lying and it is a good idea to keep an eye out for them – especially if you are trying to save your relationship. For starters, he will probably get his details mixed up when talking to you and may well be very vague about points that you question him on. In fact, he will probably get down right defensive if he is lying to you and you are trying to ascertain if he has told you the truth.

Another key way of seeing if your spouse is lying and not telling the truth is that he won’t look you in the eye when he is talking to you. They say that body language is actually the biggest conveyer of meaning and this is particularly true if someonee is lying to you. So look out for downcast eyes and if your husband’s hands are in his pockets. Hands that are fidgety are also a key indicator of lying and not being able to keep feet still is another.

Why Your Husband Lies And Hides The Truth- The Bottom Line

When your partner lies and keeps the truth from you, and you find out it can be very hurtful and very hard to recover from. This is understandably the case for if he has cheated on you or you think that his lies could mean that he might cheat on you and have an affair.

This is why it is so important to tackle dishonesty in a relationship head on so that any pain that they may cause a partner is minimised in future.

Have you ever been in a relationship with a perpetual liar? And have you ever had a partner that you felt may cheat on you as a result? Leave your comments and thoughts below as we would be happy to help you with other articles and features that we think could provide you with useful information.

My husband keeps lying to me – St George News

Question

My husband tells partial truths and it drives me crazy. I find myself interrogating him for hours on end to the get to the truth. Eventually, he admits to what he’s done wrong. We’re both exhausted and I’m not sure how I can keep going with this pattern.

These aren’t small things he’s lying about. He’s had an addiction for years and when he starts to slip back into patterns that pull him right back into his addiction, I start asking questions. There is always something there, but he denies and minimizes it. Eventually, he admits that he was going down the wrong road. I feel like I’m the one that has to notice, redirect, and stop him from destroying himself and our family.

His harmful behaviors are upsetting to me, but it’s the lying and hiding that are eroding any trust I have left in him (which isn’t much). What do I do in this situation? I’m tired of trying to keep our marriage and family stable while he lives in denial of the impact he’s having on our family.

Answer

The only way you can ever trust your husband again is if you see him stopping his destructive behaviors and then coming toward you to bring you the truth. If you are the one catching him and forcing him to admit that he’s making mistakes, you will only believe that your marriage will survive if you stay in the detective role. I think it’s safe to say that not one person signs up for marriage so they can be an untrusting detective.

You’re in a difficult situation because your trust is so fractured that you don’t believe he’ll stop himself and bring the truth to light. You probably don’t have any experiences where he’s done that on his own without your involvement.

Most partners feel mixed about their involvement in stopping these destructive patterns. Some partners go to extremes and either become overinvolved or completely detached. Both approaches are understandable, but they each create their own problems when trying to stabilize the marriage.

Instead, let’s talk about a different way of approaching this that will allow you to maintain your sanity and keep the accountability square on your husband, which is where it should be.

Recognize that when your husband is keeping secrets about his harmful behaviors, he’s moving away from the marriage and family. That distance is something you’ll most likely notice and feel a need to respond to. You can chase after him and pull him back to the center of the marriage or you can ignore it and detach. It’s hard to have peace with either response.

Instead, acknowledge the reality that he’s moved away from you and the family by keeping secrets and engaging in his unhealthy behaviors. Stay centered and don’t become reactive in response to what you’re sensing from him. This doesn’t mean you can’t describe what you’re noticing, but the panicked lectures and interrogations need to stop.

He needs to move back toward you and the family by stopping his behavior, telling the truth, and getting the help he needs to be healthy. You will drive yourself crazy trying to compensate for him by pointing everything out and dragging him back to your marriage. Pulling him back only leaves you feeling more insecure and untrusting of his desire to be in the marriage.

Sometimes we chase unhealthy people to fix them because we don’t want to deal with the difficult decisions we’ll have to make if they do something hurtful to others or us. Let him decide what kind of relationship he wants to have in his life. All you can do is honestly and courageously decide what you’ll do in response to his choices.

You can know that he’s returned to the marriage and family when he’s able to talk about why he left, why he kept secrets, and makes a full and humble accountable apology for his behaviors. You may need time to figure out how to respond to his choices. There is nothing wrong with this.

If and when he returns to the relationship, it doesn’t mean that you immediately jump right back into normal life. It may mean that you need some space emotionally or physically. It may mean that you expect him to do things differently like get professional help or work with other supports. Regardless, you’re allowed to respond how you need to respond when he turns his back on your marriage and family with secrets and harmful behavior.

It’s scary to stay put and watch another person spin out in their addiction or denial. However, like jumping into the lake to rescue a drowning swimmer, you risk your own safety and sanity when you jump toward someone who is floundering and not taking responsibility for their own behavior. Granted, they may not know how to help themselves, but there are plenty of supports within reach. Stay on the shore and let them choose on their own to grab onto those supports that are available to them.

You need to know your husband wants to be in this relationship and you deserve to have the experience of seeing him take personal responsibility for his behaviors and how they affect others.

Stay connected!

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Geoff Steurer is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in St. George, Utah. He specializes in working with couples in all stages of their relationships. The opinions stated in this article are solely his and not those of St. George News.

Have a relationship question for Geoff to answer? Submit to:

Email: [email protected]

Twitter: @geoffsteurer

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Copyright St. George News, SaintGeorgeUtah.com LLC, 2015, all rights reserved.

How to Deal With a Lying Spouse During Divorce

What do spouses typically lie about during divorce?

Here are the most common topics.

• Income,
• The existence of assets,
• The value of assets,
• The other parent’s relationship with the children,
• Child abuse,
• Child neglect, and
• Spousal abuse.

How to deal with a spouse who lies about income

Most spouses who lie about their income are self-employed.

We rarely see a wage earner lie about his or her income because pay stubs usually tell the story.

With self-employed spouses, there is more opportunity to lie. This is especially true with self-employed spouses who operate private
companies that are not highly regulated.

For example, a restaurant owner may have a more difficult time lying about his or her income than a private consultant.

So how do you deal with this issue?

You can obtain documents, answers to questions, admissions of fact, and take the other spouse’s deposition.

A deposition is a process in which your attorney questions your spouse about any topic related to the divorce.

In a deposition, your spouse must answer the questions under oath and in the presence of the court reporter who types every word anyone speaks on the record.

• Carefully analyze documents that set forth income and expenses.

These include bank account statements or statements with any financial institution, profit and loss statements, general ledgers, accounts receivable and account payable reports, expense reports, tax returns, etc. =”https:>

• Hire an experienced forensic accountant to review all of the financial records.

There is no substitute for this action. Family law attorneys, no matter how skilled and experienced they may be, are not forensic accountants.

You need an independent forensic accountant who not only reviews the financial records but provides guidance to you and your family law attorney on what the records show and what additional records you and your attorney will need.

• Closely analyze the lying spouse’s personal expenses.

Only the government can spend more money than it brings in.

If a spouse claims he or she spends more than he or she earns, that is often proof the spouse is lying.

• Conduct “discovery” which is the formal request for information.

You can obtain documents, answers to questions, admissions of fact, and take the other spouse’s deposition.

A deposition is a process in which your attorney questions your spouse about any topic related to the divorce.

In a deposition, your spouse must answer the questions under oath and in the presence of the court reporter who types every word anyone speaks on the record.

3 Tips on How to Deal with a Lying Husband (Helpful Guide) – Family Life Share

Dealing with a lying husband can be one of the most dragging and stressful experiences in a couple’s life. Being in marriage already has its trials and problems; contending with a dishonest husband makes it worse.

If you have recognized that you have a lying husband, the real first step is acceptance. Once you have accepted your circumstances, the next thing you will do is to inform your spouse. Never give up until you have exhausted all possible efforts to solve the problem.

Here are 3 tips on how to deal with a lying husband.

Establish the Type of Liar That Your Husband Is

Your husband may commit different kinds of lies. He may be accustomed to white lies, deceptive lies, compulsive lies, bold-faced lies, broken promises, fabricating lies or exaggerated lies.

White lies are the ones that you tell if you don’t want to hurt the feelings of someone. But not telling the truth can sometimes hurt your spouse. If your husband keeps telling you that you look good even if you don’t, then you will go out of the house with the same look every time, not knowing that you can change it to appear more attractive.

Deceptive lies are also called the lies of omission. A husband who tells deceptive lies usually subtle yet can hurt you. The facts of the situations are often bent to his favor so that you are misled. Deceptive lies can really damage your relationship.

Compulsive lying is an addiction. Whether small or big, compulsive liars tend to continuously lie for no apparent reason other than to be recognized. He will just lie to get your attention. But if the lies will pollute your marriage, it can ultimately deteriorate both of you as a couple.

Bold-faced lies are the ones that are completely false, even if caught red-handed. If your husband has been caught cheating, he will continue to tell bold-faced lies to save himself.

A lying husband who always makes promises and then breaks them can definitely hurt you emotionally. This keeps you from hoping and depending on your husband to fulfill his promises. But every time he breaks them, his reliability slowly decreases until you no longer believe anything he says.

A fabricated lie is like a gossip or a rumor. If one likes fabricating lies, then he is in for one long ride. Many lives and reputations can be damaged with every lie that is told.

Exaggerated lies are the lies that someone who is full of himself says. He will blow up the facts to make himself look good. If he gets discovered, his own image will be hurt with his lies.

Chances are, a lying husband tells one or more of these lies. A lie, whatever it is, is still a lie. A couple should develop their relationship as the years go by. If your husband keeps telling lies, then you have to know what makes him lie.

Find Out His Real Reason for Lying to You

The moment you know the types of lies he tells you, the next thing that you need to figure out is the real reason why he is lying to you. Why do you need to find out the reason? To be able to help him stop all the lies and fix your marriage.

What could his reason be? Well, it could be one thing or a couple of things. You have vowed, after all, to love and to trust each other all your lives. Thus, he must have a grave reason for lying to your face.

A husband may become a liar if he does not want to seem weak to you. Men are intellectually wired to be dominant. Even in marriages, he does not want to feel inferior to his wife.

Career stagnation may cause him to lie. If he does not feel important at his company, he may keep his situation from his wife – you – and not share his emotional struggles. Physical health may also cause him to lie. Stress and an inability to perform in the bedroom will give him more reasons to lie to you.

He may also continuously lie to you for fear of losing you. This is especially true for those husbands who are having extramarital affairs. He still does not want to lose you, but he is also incapable of letting the other person go. He willingly undergoes infidelity, but he is unwilling to lose his marriage to you.

He will also lie to you in order to avoid disappointing the people around him. If you have children, he does not want them to be disappointed in their father. If he has friends and family who have always looked up to him as someone successful or trustworthy, then he does not want to ruin his image and that can make him turn to lying.

For all of these different reasons, one underlying event that causes them to lie is to cover up something. He wants to cover up what he is doing, his true nature, what his current situation is, or his feelings and emotions. Instead of facing the truth, he wants to create a make-belief world wherein all is perfect and without problems.

But the truth is, the more your husband lies, the worse your marriage becomes. Instead of building your relationship with trust as the foundation, your husband is replacing it with pillars of lies and delusion.

Talk to Your Man

The best way to deal with a lying husband is to talk to him sincerely. You don’t want to put down the emotions and the status of your husband by saying to him straight to his face that he is a liar. All should still be done in a loving kind of way.

You can approach this by sitting your husband down and opening your heart to him. Do not let your own emotions get in the way. You can only fix your husband’s problems if you keep an open mind with regard to the situation.

Look him in the eye and tell him that you know all about his lies. You can ask him directly about his reasons for doing this to you. If he does not open up because of the shock of the news, let it percolate in his mind a bit so that he can process what has happened. After a few minutes, you should ask him again.

Your end goal should always be to fix the marriage and stop the lies. If the past lies violate your legal relationship as husband and wife, you can ask help from specialists to intervene. If the lies affect other people, you should help him repair the other broken relationships.

Related Facts

Some say that a woman’s intuition is not true. But in a study conducted by researchers at Berghofer Medical Research Institute, the results indicate that women are consistent in determining the mood of a person based on his eyes on the picture shown. In total, 90,000 participants were included in the study.

In a paper about Human Communication Research published in 2010, an online survey was conducted with 1000 participants, a combination of men and women. The average number of lies told per day is 1.65. This means that any person does lie at least once a day.

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How Lying In A Relationship Affects It, According To Experts

In a perfect world, you and your partner would be super honest with each other about everything. But in reality, you both probably fudge the truth a little here and there.

Here’s the thing—on some level, lying in a relationship is normal. Think: Trying to hide the fact that you let one rip in bed or subtracting $20 when you talk about how much you ~actually~ spent on that new outfit. It may even be necessary to lie sometimes to avoid hurting your partner’s feelings.

“Lying is quite common in relationships,” says Manhattan-based licensed clinical psychologist Joseph Cilona, PsyD. However, that doesn’t mean some of those whoppers can’t be damaging. It all depends on the lie and why you’re telling it.

Before you get freaked out about the idea that lying is common in relationships, it’s important to know this: While white lies happen fairly often in relationships, the bigger (and badder) lies aren’t as common, says licensed clinical psychologist Ramani Durvasula, PhD, author of Should I Stay or Should I Go?

But, of course, being able to trust your partner—and vice versa— is pretty important. “Trust is the primary connective tissue of a relationship,” Durvasula says. “More than anything, it fosters a sense of safety. Without trust, a relationship cannot grow in a healthy manner.”

Here’s what you need to know about lying in a relationship, how it can impact your bond, and what to do if lying is an issue in your love life.

Lies Can Ruin a Good Thing…

Telling a little fib here and there doesn’t make you a terrible person, but there’s a pretty broad spectrum when it comes lying. People lie in relationships to save face, avoid conflict, protect their egos, protect their image, and just to avoid hurting their partner’s feelings, Durvasula says.

A good way to tell whether your lie is small potatoes or harmful is to try to figure out if the lie is trying to protect your partner’s feelings or if you’re just looking out for yourself, Cilona says. “Lying for self gain or personal agenda, to manipulate or hide information, and lies that are hurtful or betray a trust are the lies that do damage,” he says.

On the flip side, Cilona says “healthy lies often involve holding back or tempering a truth to protect someone’s feelings or help someone—the focus is on the issues of kindness, manners, tact, respect, and consideration.” A good example: Pretending you didn’t notice that massive zit that popped up on your partner’s face until they straight-up asked you about it.

But, of course, making a habit of lying isn’t good for your relationship, period. “It can destroy it,” Durvasula says. And, she adds, “even small ticket lies repeated day after day can harm a relationship.” Basically, if you keep telling your partner lies, whether you think they’re harmless or not, they can stop trusting you. “The more lies, the more you crack the foundation and the basis of a relationship,” Durvasula says. “It means that partners share less, are less intimate, and have less empathy and compassion.”

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…But You Don’t Have To Be An Open Book

All of that said, you don’t have to tell your partner everything, all of the time. “You may not want to talk about an embarrassing moment you once had,” Durvasula says, and that’s totally fine. Ditto for other things you may prefer to keep private, like how often you like to use your vibe when your partner isn’t around. You don’t owe them that info, and keeping it to yourself or not wanting to talk about isn’t the same as lying.

But keep this in mind, per Cilona: “Lies of omission can be equally destructive.” So, “forgetting” to tell your partner that your ex recently slid into your DMs isn’t the same as rightfully to keep details of your convos with your friends to yourself. The former is just as bad as lying about it, Cilona says.

How And When To Admit To A Lie

If you’re being totally honest with yourself, you might realize that “fib” you told was actually a full-blown lie that you really only told to protect yourself. While you can wait to be called out by your partner, you can also just put on your big girl pants and get real with them.“Taking responsibility for yourself is an important element of empathy and self-reflection,” Durvasula says. “Just cop to it.”

She recommends starting with an “I” statement, like “I was not honest with you about who I hung out with last night, and I’m sorry. My ex was there and we caught up. While nothing happened, I should have been upfront with you.” Don’t blame your partner in this, by adding something like, “I lied about it because you’re irrational about this stuff.” “That’s gaslighting and doubles down on the lie in a way,” Durvasula says.

If you’ve kept a lie a secret and your S.O. straight-up asks you if you’ve lied, Durvasula says it’s best to apologize and tell the truth. Otherwise, you risk telling even more lies to try to cover up the other lie—and that won’t end well. Even if you never ‘fess up, it’ll wreck your mental health, Durvasula says.

When you do admit the truth, it’s important to talk to your S.O. about how your lie made them feel and what you can do to make things better. “When trust has been damaged, it’s important to talk to your partner to understand exactly how and why they lost trust, even if it seems obvious,” Cilona says. “There are often many elements to feeling betrayed, and your partner may not feel and think the same way you would in a given situation.” And, if your partner feels like they can’t trust you, it’s unlikely they’ll be open to your attempts to repair the trust if they don’t feel heard in the aftermath, Cilona says.

Keep in mind that you might have to talk about this more than once. “Serious damage to trust is not typically ‘fixed’ after one talk,” Cilona says.

Celebs did a ton of apologizing in 2019

And, after you own up to your lie, you might need to keep proving to your partner that you can be trusted, and not just whee the stuff you lied about is concerned. “Authentic trust only forms when someone’s words match their behaviors over time,” Cilona says. “Even small inconsistencies will undermine trust, and consistency must be evident in everything.”

Choosing To Forgive A Lie Is Up To You

If your partner lies to you, you’re under zero obligation to forgive them right away, on their timeline, or even at all. “It is fine to ask for time to process it and take it in,” Durvasula says. In fact, she recommends that you take some time to think about it. “Perhaps you will have a more measured response to their admission of lying, and that will encourage your partner to come clean in the future or not lie in the first place,” she says.

If your partner doesn’t take responsibility for their lie, call them out on it. “The liar needs to take genuine responsibility and not the nonsensical approach of ‘I lied because of you’—that’s not taking ownership,” Durvasula says.

It’s also fine to share your feelings in the moment with something like, “Thank you for the apology. I do feel hurt, and it will take me some time to build up that trust again,” Durvasula says. You’ll also want to double down on your need for honesty in the future.

And, of course, you might not be OK with the lie. “Not all lies are created equal,” Durvasula says. “Some lies may end up being unaddressable—but only you know that.”

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How to bring a liar to clean water: expert advice

• David Robson
• BBC Future

September 22, 2015

Photo author, Getty

Determine if a person is lying or not lying, sometimes you can by his body language … However, experts are convinced that there are ways much more effective, says the correspondent of

BBC Future.

A team of security personnel led by British researcher Thomas Ormerod faced a seemingly insoluble task: at several airports in Europe, they had to ask passengers about the details of the current trip and establish who was telling the truth and who was deliberately lying.

Previously, Ormerod prepared a number of dummies who, passing security control, spread a “legend” about their past and plans for the future that did not correspond to their true intentions.

And his team had to figure out these people somehow. Considering that there was only one dummy for every thousand passengers interviewed, such a task seems akin to finding a needle among a haystack.

The traditional way to catch a liar is to observe the behavior of his body or the movement of his eye pupils.But this approach does not seem to be very effective.

If anything, current research in this area shows that body-focused interviews – even those conducted by security personnel with special psychological training – produce inaccurate results.

According to the results of an experiment in one such study, out of 20 thousand subjects, only 50 made conclusions with 80 percent accuracy. Others might just as well have tossed a coin in the air before announcing their verdict.

As for Ormerod and his team, they decided to try a new method – or rather, a well-forgotten old one … And the result was many times higher than the usual level of effectiveness.

Author of the photo, Thinkstock

Caption to the photo,

It is not always possible to understand by sight whether a person is lying or not

Research in recent years in the field of disclosing perjury has led to disappointing conclusions regarding the effectiveness of methods used today in practice.

Traditionally, the main focus is on reading the speaker’s intentions through his / her body language or through certain changes in the face (for perjury, flushing of the cheeks, nervous laughter, shifting eyes, etc.) are considered the main markers.etc.).

The most famous example of public lying is Bill Clinton. Denying in court his relationship with Monica Lewinsky, he constantly touched his nose, and at one time this was perceived as a sure sign of insincerity.

Timothy Levin from the University of Alabama, USA, explained that lying causes strong emotional reactions in the lying person – nervousness, guilt, sometimes even joyful excitement from the ambitiousness of the task before him … And such an emotional state can be difficult to hide.

Even if it seems to us that we have an absolutely imperturbable expression on our face, small mimic vibrations (the so-called “micro-expression”) arise in any case, and they can give us away.

The more closely psychologists looked at the problem, the more difficult it seemed to them to find the key to understanding.

The main difficulty is that human behavior is highly variable. For example, some people experience twitching even when they are telling the truth, although it is generally accepted that such a manifestation of nervousness indicates the opposite.

Apparently there is no universal body language.

“There are no signs that all people invariably have when they lie,” says Ormerod, a research scientist at the University of Sussex in the UK. view; some people look straight in the eye, while others avoid looking “…

Timothy Levine and a colleague agree:” There is strong evidence that there is no universal way to tell the truth from the lie. “

And although they say that even if we are not aware of the difference, we can always recognize a lie with the help of our subconscious mind, which picks up certain signals, modern researchers already seem to this statement very doubtful.

It seems that all traditional views have been refuted or questioned. However, our safety still depends on them.

One typical example is the selective screening of passengers before an intercontinental flight.

Author of the photo, Getty

Caption to the photo,

Ah, if body language always helped to reveal deception …

On the eve of the 2012 Olympics, Ormerod was asked to evaluate the effectiveness of the procedure.According to him, security officers, when asking a passenger about his / her plans, as a rule, rely on a questionnaire with questions requiring an answer “yes” or “no”.

If they have completed a course in body psychology, they will focus primarily on various so-called “suspicious signs” (nervousness manifested in body language, for example) that could reveal lies.

But this approach “does not make it possible to hear what they [passengers] are saying, and to decide how believable their words are, or to observe how their behavior changes [during the conversation] – and these are the main aspects of science. detecting deception, “- said Ormerod.

According to the researcher, the existing protocols also contain elements of prejudice – against certain ethnic groups, for example. So the current method, in fact, hinders rather than helps to disclose deception.

Clearly there is a need for a new strategy. But what should it be, given the findings of recent laboratory studies?

Ormerod gives a disarmingly simple answer: from subtle behavioral features, the focus of attention must be shifted to the words that people pronounce, and during the questioning, gently press on certain points, so that the “facade” of the liar crumbles.

Ormerod and his colleague Coral Dando of the University of Wolverhampton have established a set of principles that greatly increase the chances of security personnel discovering a deception:

Use open-ended questions . They force the lying person to elaborate on their “legend” so that in the end he / she gets stuck in the web of his own lies.

Bring the element of surprise to the conversation . Security personnel should try to increase the suspect’s “cognitive burden” of lying – for example, by asking him / her unexpected questions that can be confusing, or by asking him / her to talk about a past event from the back – such techniques make it harder for liars the task of “preserving the facade”.

Pay attention to small inspected parts . If the interviewee claims to work at Oxford University, ask for how he / she usually gets to work. If in the answer you hear some contradiction, do not rush to correct – let the potential liar grow self-confidence; so he will give more information that reveals his lies.

Observe how the interviewee’s confidence level changes . Keep a close eye on changes in speech style in response to external calls; a person who is lying may be verbose when they feel they are in control of the conversation; but when his / her comfort zone is limited, he / she can become extremely laconic, barely feeling that he is losing control of the conversation.

In real tests, it is important to conduct a conversation not in the form of an interrogation, but in the form of a light, casual conversation.

Under mild pressure, a lying person is more likely to give himself away, getting confused in his own contradictions or becoming evasive and unsure of answers.

Photo author, Thinkstock

Photo caption,

Psychological experiment at the airport prompted new “incriminating” techniques

“It is necessary to understand that there is no universal remedy, a panacea. We take all the best and combine it to [form] a new, cognitive approach “, – emphasizes Ormerod.

Ormerod openly admits that his strategy may seem obvious to any sane person – too obvious to pass as a discovery. “A friend told me, what you’re trying to patent is just the art of conversation.”

The results of the work, however, speak for themselves. For his experiment, Ormerod prepared a group of dummy air passengers and provided them with tickets that looked like real tickets and other documents necessary for travel.

These mock passengers were given a week to come up with a “legend” and then asked to queue up with real passengers at airports in different parts of Europe.

And it turns out that security personnel who have completed the Ormerod and Dando interviewing course are 20 times more effective at recognizing dummies than their suspicious-looking counterparts. The percentage of disclosure among those who completed the course was 70%.

“Really impressive,” says Levin, who himself was not involved in the preparation of this experiment. In his opinion, it is especially important here that the experiment was carried out in real airports, since this circumstance gives the whole study the quality of authenticity.

The Art of Persuasion

Levin’s experiments were also quite impressive in their results. Like Ormerod, he believes that cognitive interviews designed to uncover gaps in “legend” are far more effective than trying to recognize “talking” cues in body behavior.

Levin recently ran a quiz in which his students played in pairs with non-students; for each correct answer, $ 5 was awarded as a reward.

Actors unfamiliar to the students acted as partners, and when the master of the game temporarily left the room, the actor invited the student of his pair to take advantage of the absence of the elder and spy on the answer. Several students accepted this provocative offer.

Subsequently, the real security personnel asked each of the students participating in the experiment whether they were spying or not.

By infiltrating their stories with tactical questions (rather than observing body behavior), they identified with 90 percent accuracy who were cheating.

One of the experts even guessed 100% of the cases of cheating in 33 interviews he conducted – an amazing result that demonstrates the superiority of this method over body language analysis.

It is important to note that even beginners have been able to achieve a degree of accuracy of nearly 80% simply by using open-ended questions such as how the interviewee’s story would be presented by the second member of the couple, for example.

Photo author, Thinkstock

Photo caption,

Are the police more effective in detecting fraud than ordinary people?

The interviewers who participated in the experiment often asked suspected students of dishonesty to openly confess.“The experts were incredibly effective,” says Levin.

The secret is in a simple trick known to all masters of the art of persuasion.

The conversation began with the question of how honest the student is. By simply encouraging students to say about themselves that they are not lying, the interviewers encouraged them to be more sincere later on.

“It is pleasant for all of us to think of ourselves as honest people, and this motivates us to cooperate,” notes Levin. who only pretends. “

Tricks like this are probably already in use by some forensic experts – however, given the deeply ingrained tradition of body language analysis, it’s worth emphasizing how much more powerful a tool persuasion can be.

The methods of detecting deception developed by Ormerod and Levin are primarily intended to help law enforcement agencies, but some can be successfully applied in various everyday situations.

“I use [this methodology] all the time when communicating with my children,” admits Ormerod.

When applying the principles outlined above, it is important to remember that the interviewer’s mind should remain open-ended and that you should never jump to conclusions: if the interviewee looks nervous, if he / she cannot remember an important detail, these are not necessarily indicators of insincerity. The focus should be on nonconformities of a more general nature.

There is no one-size-fits-all lie detection method that works under all circumstances. But on the other hand, it is possible to bring a deceiver to clean water with the help of intelligence, tact and the art of persuasion.

Afterword. Liar versus Liar

It is known that liars perfectly sense someone else’s lies. Jeffrey Bird and his colleagues at University College London conducted a special test quiz, asking participants to determine the truth or falsity of statements about themselves. They were also asked to rate how true each other’s statements were.

During the experiment, it turned out that people who are good at telling stories can easily detect fiction in others, perhaps because it is easy for them to recognize the techniques that they themselves use.

90,000 a lying person is … What is a lying person?

90,000 The great influence of Melania Trump on her husband is revealed: Politics: World: Lenta.ru

In the new book “The Art of Her Deal: The Untold Story of Melania Trump”, written by The Washington Post journalist Mary Jordan and has not yet been published, it is said that the wife of the President of the United States Donald Trump is very influential on political issues – “more than it seems.”This was announced on Tuesday, June 16, by the director of public relations Jordan Sean Spicer, according to Newsweek.

“Melania is very behind-the-scenes, but incredibly influential,” he said. According to Spicer, she often expresses her own opinion about political decisions to her husband, and he agrees with her – this is the first lady’s signature style.

According to the publication, Trump’s similar trust in his wife influenced the choice of Mike Pence, former governor of Indiana, as vice president.The book describes how in 2016 Melania, Pence and his wife met at Trump National Golf Club in Bedminster, New Jersey. After their conversation, Melania told her husband that Pence was not too ambitious.

According to the author of the book, this is how Trump’s wife influenced the decision of the head of the United States. Jordan writes that Pence has an advantage over rivals: New Jersey Governor Chris Christie and former House Speaker Newt Gingricher. “Melania thought he would be a loyal advisor, not an alpha,” said a source cited by Jordan.

It is noted that the Trump couple established a relationship of trust long before the presidential elections in 2016. The book also states that Melania understands Donald better than any other woman he could ever date. According to the author of the book, after the Trumps broke up in 1999, Melania had no relationship with men, knowing that she could return her spouse solely with her devotion.

On June 12, the White House called a book, authored by journalist Mary Jordan, as a fake, which talks about the conclusion of a new marriage contract between Donald and Melania Trump.The chief of staff of the first lady of the United States Stephanie Grisham said that the book “contains false information and belongs to the art genre.”

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90,000 Maxim Mironov: The Economy of Lies – Vedomosti

There is no more false proverb than “bitter truth is better than sweet lie”. A frequent life situation: a husband is cheating on his wife, and she believes his excuses and forgives, knowing that everything will happen again and again. Another example.How often do you tell your acquaintances: “How you got fat (or ugly)!”, Even if you think so? How often do you see the comments “what a bad photo!” Under the post of a personal photo on Facebook, even if it really is a bad photo? In all three cases, truth can destroy a relationship that the parties wish to maintain. It turns out that often a lie is beneficial both to the deceiver and to the one who is being deceived.

Lying can create value. Suppose you bought a diamond necklace and then read in the newspaper that a fraudulent gang has been arrested for selling fake diamonds.You can check your necklace with a jeweler. But will you do it? It may be better to continue wearing the necklace (after all, you and your friends think that it is real) and have fun, rather than finding out that you were deceived (then the necklace will lose its usefulness).

Truth will then destroy your wealth. It turns out that you can create real value (in the economy, welfare is the total utility of individuals), not by producing natural diamonds (this is quite expensive), but by convincing the client that a fake is a real diamond.It’s much cheaper that way.

The Russian state has managed to build an effective PR machine that allows a significant part of the population to enjoy achievements that we really do not have. For example:

1. Olympiad. For $ 50 billion, the country believed we were a sports superpower, although 6 out of 13 gold medals were won by naturalized Koreans, Americans and Ukrainians.

2. “Crimea is ours”. For $ 100-200 billion, we became a great superpower that almost restored the Soviet Union.Apart from PR, there are no other benefits from the annexation of Crimea for an ordinary citizen of the country. Rather, losses: the land road there has become 2-3 times longer, and prices have grown significantly. The very essence of “Crimea is Ours” is PR. 98% of the world’s population believe that Crimea is not ours.

3. Product sanctions. This is also 100% PR with no real effect. Moreover, one PR (“prices will not rise”) contradicts another (“domestic producers will increase production”). After all, the latter are uncompetitive, since the price level does not cover their costs.For domestic production to increase, prices must rise. However, 70% of the population supports food sanctions, believing state PR that prices will not rise, and domestic producers will replace imports.

4. At the helm of the country are spiritual patriots-statesmen. All the pathos of the officials is built on the fact that those who are against us are national traitors and agents of the State Department. The population of the country likes the idea that the country is ruled by real patriots. This PR is not even broken by the fact that Putin’s closest associates have long taken their families abroad, and Putin himself, according to rumors, does not live in Ryazan’s daughters.At the same time, the main agent of the State Department lives with his family in Maryino and is not going to go anywhere.

5. Russia in spirituality and morality is far ahead of the decaying West. Almost the entire population of Russia believes in this, although the level of murder, rape, abortion, drug addiction and the incidence of AIDS in Russia is much higher than in Europe.

Economics PR – mutually beneficial relations between the state and the population. Building a great and powerful state is expensive and time-consuming. And to say loudly that we are great and mighty is much cheaper.People watch federal channels not because someone forces them: in Russia there is an excess of media with different points of view. Two thirds of the population have access to the Internet. Who prevents people from reading Vedomosti or Novaya Gazeta? Who is stopping you from watching “Culture” or “Rain”? Anyone who wants access to alternative information can do so at minimal cost. But the majority prefers federal channels, because they tell exactly what they want to hear.

Many people think: if you tell people the truth, everything will work out right away.But what is the truth? That the Russian economy is structured like the African one: do we sell natural resources and import everything else? That the level of development of science, medicine and education in our country does not correspond to the most advanced countries of the third world? It’s like saying to a woman: “Have you looked at yourself in the mirror? She was bloated, her belly sagged, her dressing gown was in borscht, and it is not surprising that your husband is cheating on you! ” Will the people understand such a politician? Yes. Will he vote? Hardly.

There is no point in hoping that Putin’s departure and the holding of fair elections will make it possible to qualitatively change something.In 2013, after the death of Chávez, competitive elections were held in Venezuela. They were won by Maduro, who used the PR strategy tested by Chavez for years, “the American imperialists are to blame for all our troubles.” Do you think the Russian voter is more advanced and, seeing the clash between PR and the rational point of view, will choose the latter? Watch the discussions of Svanidze – Kurginyan in the “Historical Process” on RTR. PR always wins logic with 80-90% of the vote.

A populist with the support of 80% of the population can only be defeated by another populist.Non-constructive (like Zhirinovsky) or constructive (like Navalny). A politician with a non-populist program has no chance. Populist initiatives – “to limit the cost of cars for officials”, “to introduce visas for Central Asia” – have almost zero real effect, but they cost the economy much less than “Crimea is ours”.

The creative community does not need to think about how to reform the country. The supply of experts for carrying out reforms in the world significantly exceeds the demand. You need to think about the formation of effective populist measures and slogans with which you can send your candidate to the polls.Otherwise, when Putin unexpectedly departs, populists like Rogozin or Shoigu will win the elections. After all, they will be able to offer the voter exactly what he wants to hear.

The Snow Show: The Devil of the Fargo Series

It’s a True Story are the words that start off Fargo, a 1996 film by the Coen brothers. Showrunner Noah Hawley kept the same deceitful opening title at three At the time of publication of the article in # 5/6 (2020) “The Arts of Cinema”. The fourth season premiered in the fall of 2020. seasons of the series of the same name. In reality, the events that allegedly shook the state of Minnesota in 2006, 1979, 2010 and 1987 never happened. But in the alternate universe of Fargo, “the names of the survivors have been changed, out of respect for the dead, the rest is told exactly as it happened.”

The Coen brothers’ not too serious attempt to convince the viewer of the documentary nature of the events described gave rise to many fan theories – there were, of course, prototypes of Jerry Landegaard, a little man who busily ordered the kidnapping of his own wife: one in Minnesota, the other in Connecticut.Fargo’s world took on a life of its own, and it was too – in all its eccentric game – convincing to be fictional. Pregnant cop Marge Gunderson (Frances McDormand), who is constantly hungry and walks, swaying from side to side like a tumbler. Her cozy husband (“I’ll make you eggs”), snow and world evil outside their windows. Jerry Landegaard, bogged down in his own lies, like in a snowdrift – despair and cowardice in his eyes. An ingenious childish movement (William H. Macy is one of the few actors in the world who can do this), something between raised and fallen arms, turning on heels and powerlessly stamping a foot.The scraper with which he attacks the icy windshield of his car. “Sorels” are the warmest high boots, in which the heroes creak with snow, and the puffy jackets must be long so that the priest is covered. Triangles extending beyond the horizon of the highway.

In addition to fan theories, Fargo’s eccentric realism gave birth to the series of the same name, and its author, writer Noah Hawley, recreated Cohen’s world as if it were as real as any other – even this one. An amazing effect – total reliability, plus psychological accuracy, plus (to a lesser extent) the line “this is a real story” allowed the Coens and later Hawley to construct a phantasmagoric reality, a comedic devilry, in which biblical proportions of good and evil could clash in the snows of North Dakota and Minnesota respectively.Dante has the ninth circle of hell – Ice Lake Cocytus, traitors live here: Lucifer, Judas, Brutus, Cassius. Traitors of loved ones in the Fargo universe – in the spirit of Cohen’s text, often referring to the Judeo-Christian tradition – are doomed to freeze into other ice, the Midwest: in the finale of the first season, insurance agent Lester Nygaard (Martin Freeman), who killed his wife, flees like a hunted hare from the police on a frozen lake, falls through the ice and instantly stiffens. Who killed (accidentally) his brother Emmet Stassi in the third season of the series dies in front of an open refrigerator, looking at berry jelly.

The Story of Elena Gorolov – Real Life Stories

Real life stories

The story of Elena Gorolov

Elena Gorolova talks about the plight of Roma women at the “Voices” side event hosted by the UN Human Rights Office at the Durban Review Conference. Photo: UN / Patrick Bertschmann.

Elena Gorolova and her husband have always dreamed of a daughter. Satisfied with the birth of two sons, they were looking forward to the appearance of another child until Elena was told that she, without her knowledge, had been sterilized by the same doctor who gave birth to her.

The terrifying discovery eventually allowed her to learn that she was not the only victim and that many other Roma women were unknowingly sterilized in hospitals in the Czech Republic.

“My husband and I went to the social department and demanded an explanation; we also asked if this happened because we are Roma, but the workers of the social department treated us very rudely and even kicked us out, ”said E. Gorolova at a section at the UN office in Geneva, which was held in parallel with the main sessions of the Conference on review of the Durban process.

Elena remembers that she gave birth in a hospital in Ostrava in 1990 and the birth was difficult.

“I had contractions, the situation was hectic, and there were many doctors around me,” she recalls. – A nurse came up to me with a piece of paper, and I signed it. At that moment, I did not understand at all what this meant, because then I was experiencing severe pain. ”

“The next day, the head physician of the maternity ward told me that I would never have children again.I cried. I was only 21 years old and we wanted to have a daughter. My husband raised a scandal, and for a long time he could not come to terms with the idea that we could not have other children. ”

E. Gorolova learned that her fallopian tubes were dissected and that this operation was irreversible.

“The nurse explained to me that these tubes used to be tied, but despite this, some women still managed to get pregnant,” she added. – They do not want the gypsies to give birth to children… I have experienced discrimination since childhood … They just do not like gypsies. ”

It took a long time before Elena came to terms with what happened to her. She began to recover when a number of organizations – the Human Rights League, the European Roma Rights Center and Living Together, organized a meeting of women whose hearts and lives had been broken by forced sterilization. Telling the women frankly about what she had gone through, Elena felt relieved and plucked up the courage to take action.

“The Czech Ombudsman, who examined the applications of more than 80 women, investigated our complaints. Then we created a focus group on forced sterilization and meet regularly at Living Together.

The group promotes informed consent, protects parental rights, advocates for forced sterilization, tackles redress issues and gets the government to apologize for failing to protect them.The group is also trying to improve the treatment of women in maternity wards by health workers.

Women organized photo exhibitions and demonstrations throughout Europe and testified before the Committee on the Elimination of Discrimination against Women (CEDAW) at the United Nations. Together with us there is a gynecologist who conducts educational work among Roma women and girls on their health issues, and a psychologist who advises women affected.

It is not easy to live in front of the public.

“After our demonstration, the women had to settle scores with false articles that appeared in many local newspapers,” she said. “What their neighbors think of them, that they allegedly owed money or did not pay rent, or that the state of mind of Roma women and women of other nationalities was compared when they agreed to be sterilized.” …

But the changes they made paid off. Informed consent is now common in hospitals, and more and more women are sharing their experiences.

“Since June 2008, we have identified 20 new cases, including the case of a woman from Frydek-Mistek in 2007: the social worker who supervised her threatened to take her children away from her and put them in a boarding school if she didn’t will be sterilized, ”Elena said.

Working for Living Together, E. Horolova, who is also a member of the civil society section of the Czech Council for Roma Communities, seeks to create opportunities for friendship between Roma and other ethnic groups in Ostrava and improve the living conditions of families in need.

The group recently initiated a project called You Are Not Alone, which aims to identify cases of illegal sterilization, help victims of such abuse seek justice, and educate young Roma women and girls on these issues, as well as health workers. …She also fights for the implementation of the recommendations of the Czech Ombudsman, CEDAW and the Committee on the Elimination of Racial Discrimination (CERD).

“Bringing a child to life is one of the most wonderful moments in life, but many Roma women are deprived of this. Forced sterilization caused them health problems and even led to divorces. We must make sure that this does not happen to other women and must continue our struggle. ”

90,000 When is it legal to lie?

14:24, 02 April 2014

90,008 Reading Time: 3min. 90,011

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When is it permissible to lie?

The Supreme Lord commands us “Beware of false words… “, there are people who lie because of simple worldly interests. False witnessing is considered a particularly bad quality and a great sin. A true Muslim must speak the truth, even if it is not in his favor, and not come close to lying.

Our Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him!) Also pointed out that lying and perjury are great sins. In Islam, lying is allowed only in 4 cases:

1) A Muslim can lie to save his property, his life and honor in the event of an enemy attack.Every God-fearing Muslim must defend his life, because as long as his body is intact, he will be able to carry out the precepts of religion without hindrance. Every Muslim spends his property in the way of Allah, therefore he is ordered to protect his property. Based on these provisions, we can conclude that a Muslim is allowed to save his honor and conscience in the face of the enemy by lying.

2) Lying is permissible in the case when it is necessary to reconcile a husband and wife or two nations.Lying is permissible to prevent confusion in the family. As quoted from Ummu Gulsum (may Allah be pleased with her!), The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him!) Said: a liar. ”

3) Lying is permissible in war to achieve superiority over the enemy.

4) It is permissible for a husband to lie to his wife in order to preserve the welfare of the family.As quoted from Asma bint Yazid (may Allah be pleased with her!), The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him!) Said: “O people! What pushes you to lie like a moth flying into a fire?

Lying is forbidden for the son of Adam, except for three cases:

1. Lies of a husband to his wife to achieve her contentment;
2. Lies in war. Because war is trick;
3. Lies told to reconcile two Muslims. ”

Important note: the lie of the husband to the wife or the wife to the husband in this case means the promise of something that may not necessarily happen.For example, this is similar to when a husband wants to make a gift to his wife and promises her, but thinks to himself: “If Allah allows.” Otherwise, deception, in which the rights of a woman or a man are violated, the rights that do not belong to one or the other are taken away, is unlawful. Safwan Ibn Suleim al-Zuhri (may Allah be pleased with him!) Says: “One man said:“ O Messenger of Allah! Can I lie to my wife? ” The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him!) Replied: “There is no good in lying!”This person asked again:

– What if I want to lie in order to make her happy with my promise? Then the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him!) Said: “In that case, there is no sin on you!”

In this case, the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him!) Separates a lie from a promise, while he does not allow a lie, he allows a promise to be made.