How does dishonesty impact your relationship. What are the key factors to evaluate when contemplating divorce due to a spouse’s lies. When is it time to leave a lying partner. How can you rebuild trust after repeated deception.

The Impact of Dishonesty on Marital Trust

Dishonesty in a marriage can erode the foundation of trust that healthy relationships are built upon. When a spouse repeatedly lies, it creates doubt, suspicion, and emotional distance between partners. But how exactly does lying affect marital trust?

Frequent deception by a spouse can lead to:

• Breakdown in communication
• Loss of intimacy and emotional connection
• Constant questioning of the partner’s words and actions
• Feelings of betrayal and hurt
• Difficulty being vulnerable or open with one another

Over time, these effects can severely damage the relationship, making it challenging to maintain a strong partnership. However, the decision to leave a lying spouse is complex and requires careful consideration of multiple factors.

Evaluating the Severity and Frequency of Lies

Not all lies carry the same weight in a relationship. When contemplating whether to leave a lying spouse, it’s crucial to assess the nature and frequency of the deception. Are the lies relatively minor and infrequent, or are they significant and ongoing?

Minor, infrequent lies might include:

• White lies to avoid hurting feelings
• Exaggerations about trivial matters
• Occasional omissions of unimportant details

More severe lies that may warrant serious consideration of the relationship’s future include:

• Financial deception or hidden debt
• Infidelity or emotional affairs
• Addiction or substance abuse cover-ups
• Significant lies about one’s past or identity

How frequently does your spouse engage in deception? Is it a rare occurrence or a persistent pattern of behavior? Evaluating these aspects can help you determine the overall impact on your relationship and whether it’s salvageable.

Assessing Your Spouse’s Willingness to Change

A critical factor in deciding whether to leave a lying spouse is their attitude towards their behavior and willingness to change. Has your partner shown genuine remorse and a desire to rebuild trust? Or do they dismiss your concerns and continue their deceptive patterns?

Signs that your spouse may be open to change include:

• Acknowledging their lies without making excuses
• Expressing sincere regret for their actions
• Actively seeking ways to rebuild trust
• Being open to couples therapy or counseling
• Making consistent efforts to be more honest and transparent

Conversely, red flags that suggest your spouse may not be committed to change include:

• Minimizing the impact of their lies
• Blaming you or others for their deceptive behavior
• Refusing to discuss the issue or seek help
• Continuing to lie even after being confronted
• Making empty promises without following through

Your spouse’s attitude and actions following the discovery of their lies can provide valuable insight into the potential for rebuilding trust and salvaging the relationship.

The Role of Emotional and Physical Safety in Your Decision

When considering whether to leave a lying spouse, your personal safety and well-being should be paramount. Does your partner’s dishonesty extend to behaviors that put you at risk emotionally or physically?

Emotional safety concerns may include:

• Gaslighting or manipulative behavior
• Verbal abuse or constant criticism
• Emotional neglect or withholding affection
• Controlling or isolating behaviors

Physical safety issues to be aware of:

• Any form of physical violence or threats
• Reckless behavior that endangers you or your family
• Substance abuse that leads to unsafe situations

If your spouse’s lies are accompanied by any of these behaviors, it may be necessary to prioritize your safety and consider leaving the relationship. Remember, your well-being should never be compromised for the sake of maintaining a marriage.

Examining the Impact on Children and Family Dynamics

For couples with children, the decision to leave a lying spouse becomes even more complex. How does your partner’s dishonesty affect your children and overall family dynamics? Consider the following aspects:

• Are your children aware of the lying behavior?
• How does the dishonesty impact your ability to co-parent effectively?
• Are family relationships strained due to the deception?
• What would be the potential effects of separation or divorce on your children?

While it’s important to maintain a stable home environment for children, it’s equally crucial to model healthy relationships and honest communication. Weigh the potential long-term effects of staying in a marriage marked by dishonesty against the challenges of separation or divorce.

Consider seeking family therapy or counseling to address these issues and determine the best course of action for your family’s well-being.

Financial Considerations and Long-term Stability

Financial deception can have far-reaching consequences in a marriage. When contemplating leaving a lying spouse, it’s essential to evaluate your financial situation and long-term stability. Ask yourself:

• Has your spouse been dishonest about financial matters?
• Are there hidden debts or accounts you’re unaware of?
• How would separation or divorce impact your financial stability?
• Do you have access to your own financial resources?

Take steps to protect your financial interests:

1. Gather all relevant financial documents
2. Consult with a financial advisor or attorney
3. Consider opening separate bank accounts if necessary
4. Develop a plan for financial independence if you choose to leave

While financial concerns shouldn’t be the sole determining factor in your decision, they are an important practical consideration that can significantly impact your future.

Exploring Support Systems and Resources

Dealing with a lying spouse and contemplating leaving the relationship can be emotionally draining. It’s crucial to identify and utilize support systems and resources available to you. Consider the following options:

• Friends and family members you can trust and confide in
• Professional counseling or therapy for individual support
• Support groups for individuals dealing with dishonest partners
• Legal resources and consultations if considering separation or divorce
• Financial advisors to help navigate potential financial changes

Having a strong support network can provide emotional comfort, practical advice, and assistance as you navigate this challenging situation. Don’t hesitate to reach out and seek help when needed.

The Importance of Self-Care During Decision-Making

As you grapple with the decision of whether to leave a lying spouse, it’s essential to prioritize self-care. The stress and emotional turmoil of dealing with dishonesty in your marriage can take a toll on your mental and physical health. Implement these self-care strategies:

• Practice mindfulness or meditation to manage stress
• Engage in regular physical exercise
• Maintain a healthy sleep schedule
• Pursue hobbies or activities that bring you joy
• Journal your thoughts and feelings to process emotions
• Seek professional help if you’re struggling with anxiety or depression

Remember, taking care of yourself is not selfish; it’s necessary to maintain clarity and strength as you navigate this difficult period in your life.

Evaluating Personal Values and Deal-Breakers

When considering whether to leave a lying spouse, it’s crucial to reflect on your personal values and what you consider non-negotiable in a relationship. Ask yourself:

• What level of honesty do you require from a partner?
• Are there specific types of lies that you consider absolute deal-breakers?
• How important is trust in your vision of a healthy relationship?
• What are your core values, and does your current situation align with them?

Take time to really examine your beliefs and priorities. This self-reflection can provide clarity and guidance as you make your decision. Remember, it’s okay to have firm boundaries and standards for your relationships.

Identifying Patterns and Red Flags

As you evaluate your situation, try to identify any patterns in your spouse’s lying behavior. Are there specific triggers or circumstances that lead to dishonesty? Look for red flags that might indicate deeper issues:

• Consistent lying about the same topics
• Elaborate stories or excuses to cover up lies
• Defensive or aggressive reactions when questioned
• Gaslighting or attempts to make you doubt your own perceptions
• A history of dishonesty in past relationships or other areas of life

Recognizing these patterns can help you assess whether the lying behavior is likely to change and inform your decision about the future of your relationship.

Considering Professional Help and Couples Therapy

Before making a final decision to leave a lying spouse, consider seeking professional help through couples therapy. A trained therapist can provide valuable insights and tools to address the underlying issues in your relationship. Couples therapy can offer:

• A safe space to discuss difficult topics
• Strategies for improving communication and rebuilding trust
• Guidance in setting healthy boundaries
• Support in addressing individual issues that may contribute to lying behavior
• Assistance in making informed decisions about the future of your relationship

If your spouse is willing to participate in therapy, it can be a positive sign of their commitment to change. However, even if they’re reluctant, individual therapy can still be beneficial for you as you navigate this challenging situation.

The Process of Rebuilding Trust

If you decide to give your relationship another chance, rebuilding trust after repeated lies is a challenging but possible process. It requires commitment and effort from both partners. Key steps in rebuilding trust include:

1. Full disclosure and transparency from the lying spouse
2. Consistent honest behavior over time
3. Open and frequent communication about feelings and concerns
4. Establishing clear boundaries and consequences for future dishonesty
5. Patience and willingness to work through difficult emotions
6. Forgiveness (when appropriate) and a focus on moving forward

Remember that rebuilding trust is a gradual process that takes time. It’s important to have realistic expectations and be prepared for setbacks along the way.

Making the Final Decision: Stay or Leave?

After carefully considering all the factors discussed, you may still find yourself struggling with the final decision of whether to stay or leave your lying spouse. This is a deeply personal choice that only you can make. Some final points to reflect on:

• Trust your instincts and listen to your gut feelings
• Consider seeking advice from a trusted friend, family member, or professional
• Weigh the potential for positive change against the risk of continued hurt
• Think about your long-term happiness and well-being
• Reflect on whether you can truly forgive and move forward if you choose to stay

Whatever decision you make, remember that you deserve a relationship built on trust, respect, and honesty. It’s okay to prioritize your own well-being and happiness, even if that means making difficult choices.

Moving Forward: Next Steps

Once you’ve made your decision, it’s important to have a plan for moving forward. If you choose to stay and work on the relationship:

• Establish clear expectations and boundaries
• Commit to ongoing open communication
• Consider continued couples therapy
• Focus on rebuilding trust through consistent actions

If you decide to leave:

• Seek legal advice if necessary
• Develop a plan for separation or divorce
• Build a support network to help you through the transition
• Focus on self-care and personal growth

Remember, healing takes time, regardless of your decision. Be patient with yourself and seek support as you navigate this new chapter in your life.

How to Know When to Leave a Lying Spouse: 10 Things to Consider

In This Article

If you are considering when to leave a lying spouse, you should wait a bit. You must consider some things before this life-changing decision. Learn more about them in this article.

Some people think adultery and cheating are the biggest offense in a relationship or marriage. Sadly, other issues can cause a crack in the wall for couples. One of these is how to deal with a lying spouse.

A lying spouse poses a threat to the foundation of your relationship. To build a healthy relationship, any couple must be honest and trustworthy. 

With a lying spouse, however, it becomes challenging. You can’t even trust a tiny bit of information that they give you. Dealing with this person is frustrating and exhausting.

It’s only normal that most partners who have seen the signs of a lying spouse seek solutions when a spouse lies. For example, you may see questions like:

Why do spouses lie?

What’s the process of setting boundaries with a lying spouse?

You deserve answers to all these questions, but it’s beneficial to consider some things when dealing with a lying spouse before you do. What are they? Read this article to the end to find out.

What to do when your spouse keeps lying to you

First, spotting the signs of a lying spouse can be challenging. You love your partner to some extent, if not wholeheartedly. Therefore, when you suspect they aren’t straightforward, your affection for them shields you from believing they could be lying. 

Whether it’s lying about their activity or hiding things from you, it can hurt you to know you won’t be able to trust your partner. And best believe that no relationship can survive long with a lying spouse. 

Many people ask what to do when your husband lies to you all the time or when your wife keeps things from you.

Even though it is embarrassing for you and your partner, the best thing to do is confront them immediately. Don’t wait for hours or days later. Otherwise, they might twist the event, lie about it again and make you look like a fool. Instead, talk to them about the lie.

Tell your partner that you just realized they lie, and calmly tell them how it impacts and hurts the relationship.  

Most often, if caught red-handed, they might apologize and be willing to change. On the other hand, if they show no remorse, refuse to change, and continue to lie, those are clear signs you need more help in dealing with a lying spouse.

In addition, you can also set limits when you see lying spouse signs. Setting boundaries with a lying spouse can help you learn when to leave a lying spouse. If you are successful, your partner may change, or you can have peace of mind in the long haul.

When setting boundaries with a lying spouse, you need to protect yourself by being assertive and communicating your needs. Also, it is best to express your feelings and expectations clearly and directly. Start by telling your partner what you want subsequently in the relationship. 

Calmly tell them you won’t tolerate any more of their lies, and if they value the relationship, they need to stop lying. 

For example, you can say, “I value honesty in my relationships, and I expect you to be truthful with me. ” Also, consider protecting your privacy, and avoid sharing private and sensitive information with them until you are confident in their honesty. 

Finally, you should seek professional support if you’ve done everything to alleviate the lying situation, but nothing works. One way to do this is to go for marriage therapy. This is especially important if you are contemplating divorce.

10 things to consider when leaving a lying spouse

Discovering that your spouse has been dishonest to you can be devastating, and your first reaction may be to leave the relationship. However, it’s important to consider some factors if you are contemplating when to leave a lying spouse. Here are ten things to know as you sail through this difficult decision:

1. Honesty

You can’t compromise on honesty and trust to have a fulfilling relationship. Even if you don’t want to leave the relationship, ask yourself whether you can deal with dishonesty for a long time.  

Can you look at your partner with the same eyes as in the beginning? Can you listen to them objectively without judging or thinking they are lying? Honesty is a very important factor to consider to understand when to leave a lying spouse.

2. The severity of the lies

Another important factor to consider when you see the signs of a lying spouse is the extent of the lies. 

If your partner mostly tells white lies or lies about minor things, and these lies don’t harm your relationship, you can cut them slack. We have all lied at one point or the other in our lives. 

However, if your partner lies about big things or hides things from you, and it affects your connection, you may start to choose the date to leave.

3. Communication

Before you decide when to leave a lying spouse, have you tried a dialogue with them? Remember, love is gentle, kind, and compassionate. Lovers look out to help each other, especially in a crisis. 

Having honest and open communication when you see the signs of a lying spouse is great. It’s a way to give your partner the benefit of the doubt. Who knows? They may have a genuine reason for being dishonest (this isn’t in any way supporting dishonesty). 

4. Consider your conflict resolution skills

Could your spouse lie because they don’t know how to resolve issues amicably? Therefore, they switch to lying to make you feel better or make the issue disappear quickly. Again, only when you communicate openly can you learn the answers. 

If the lying spouse signs have been linked to an inability to handle conflict effectively, consider whether these issues can be addressed and improved upon.

5. The ability to change

After communicating your feelings and fear, you should consider your partner’s willingness to change. Indeed, chronic liars may find it challenging to change for their partners. They have lied so much that it’s become part of them. 

However, when someone truly loves you, they make a conscious and intentional effort to make you happy. One of these is being conscious when they speak and ensuring everything they say is the truth. If you have observed this in your partner, it is best to give them a chance.

Learn about things a man will only do if he loves you in this video:

6. Effect on your well-being

Another factor worth considering is your well-being. Lies from a loved one have the potential to cause emotional and psychological stress. It may also cause some physical defects. 

Has your partner’s dishonesty caused you significant stress, anxiety, or emotional distress? 

It’s best to prioritize your well-being even if you still want your partner. Then, determine whether staying in the relationship is healthy for you.

7. Impacts on children

When children are involved, you may need to think hard about your decision. Do the children know your partner lies a lot? Have they been affected by your lying spouse? Have they seen the signs of a lying spouse? 

If it appears that the children will be affected by lies in the relationship, it is best to take a decision that is best for them.

8. Impacts on finance

Leaving a lying spouse might affect your finances, especially if you have properties together or your partner is the breadwinner. Also, when children are involved, you should consider how leaving will affect their well-being financially. Nonetheless, this isn’t to say you should endure. 

Consider seeking professional help like marriage therapy if you don’t know a way out or are trying to learn when to leave a lying spouse. 

Related Reading: Financial Advice For Married Couples

9. What support system is available?

As you navigate this challenging period, consider the support system. Do you have friends or family that can help you cope and support you? If there is none, what’s the next option?

10. Consider your prospects

Leaving a lying spouse might create a gap in your life. How do you plan to live with this in the future? What are your plans for your next relationship? Reflect on what you want and whether leaving your relationship aligns with it.

How do you move on from a lying spouse

Once you know when to leave a lying spouse, you may wonder how to move on. The truth is moving forward from a deceitful partner is challenging. Remember, this is someone you’ve known and come to tolerate for a long time. 

Nonetheless, moving on entails recognizing and validating your emotions, establishing firm boundaries, prioritizing self-care, seeking professional support through therapy or counseling, and prioritizing your well-being. 

Some commonly asked questions

Here are some answers to some pressing questions that can clear up some of your doubts about the decision pertaining to when to leave a lying spouse: 

Lying destroys relationships because it breaks a partner’s trust and makes them question each other. When a pattern of dishonesty repeats itself, partners find it challenging to relate or have normal conversations. When there is no honest communication, the connection between spouses weakens. In turn, the relationship ends.

Whether lying is a probable cause for divorce depends on the partners involved and the severity of the lies. 

Some people may choose divorce if the lies are enormous and often cause discord between spouses. On the other hand, some individuals believe there could be a way out. Therefore, they seek how to deal with a lying spouse.

In a nutshell

If you deal with dishonesty in your relationship, you may wonder when to leave a lying spouse. If you decide to leave a lying spouse, you are well within your right. After all, you wear the shoes and know where it hurts the most. 

Nevertheless, it is worth considering some factors in this article before deciding when you see signs of a lying spouse. I hope you choose the right thing for yourself and your mental health.

The Complicated Truth About Lying to Your Partner

Source: YAKOBCHUK VIACHESLAV/Shutterstock

The truth is, we all lie. Social scientists acknowledge it as a deeply human trait. The most popular and socially adept among us are usually the biggest liars of all.

The reasons we have for lying are of no surprise, and they range from innocent to sinister: We don’t want to hurt the people we care about, we want to control the perception other people have of us, we want to maintain or raise our status, we lie to protect our own selfish interests, and we want to control others. But as fundamental as lying seems to be to human beings, trusting relationships is also a basic human need, and as we all know, lying destroys trust.

Research shows that small lies make it easier to tell bigger lies. When you add in self-justification, sometimes the lies become so big you start to believe them yourself until you are caught and forced to sustain the relationship-damaging consequences that deteriorate the bond you have and may ultimately end up destroying the relationship completely.

Lies often start as self-preservation but generally turn to self-destruction. It is common to think that the consequences of telling the truth outweigh the risk of telling a lie, but even when you don’t get caught, a lie often damages the relationship.

I once worked with a client who spent over a year in therapy talking about his goal to find a great partner, and while he was able to meet several wonderful women, he kept wondering why he couldn’t feel close to them. While we explored various dynamics from his family and past relationships, he seemed fairly certain that the problem was that he had just not yet found “the one,” and that he should continue looking.

I agreed this was certainly possible, but I asked him to articulate why he was so certain of that before we moved on. He stated to me that the women he was dating must be flawed, because all he ever did was lie and cheat on them, and still they all professed to love him. Not surprisingly, he had never mentioned the lying and cheating, and was indeed also lying to his therapist. He had almost no insight into the fact that his lies and relationships with multiple women at once were preventing him from finding what he really wanted, which was a special, close bond with one woman. It had never occurred to him that these women didn’t actually love him; they loved the person he was pretending to be, and this was one of the things he feared most.

If I asked him why he lied to them, he said he didn’t want to hurt them. If I asked why he omitted from therapy the fact that he was seeing multiple people at once, he stated that he didn’t want to look bad. He thought the lies he was telling were self-preserving when they were really self-sabotaging.

Now, while it would be easy to label this person as simply narcissistic, the truth is that most people’s lies stem from a similar desire to self-preserve in some way, but are ultimately self-destructive, because lying, even if you don’t get caught, prevents you from having something most people want, which is an authentic connection and bond with another human being.

Does the intention matter? People often believe that their intentions justify the lie. Lying not to hurt someone else’s feelings is kinder than hurting them. Right? This type of lying is a very slippery slope. My client above justified his lying to multiple women by saying that he didn’t want to hurt them, which in one respect was true; the bigger truth, however, was that he wanted to control their perception and didn’t want to get caught doing something he knew was bad enough that he needed to lie about it. His lie wasn’t about their feelings; it was about his intention to manipulate and control. What about lies of omission? What if you never actually say something that isn’t true? Is that a loophole that lets you off the hook? If you tell a lie or deliberately leave out important information to avoid hurting someone else that ultimately is about hiding your own behavior, you can be assured you have crossed the line and are violating the right your partner has to make his/her own choice about whether your behavior is acceptable or not.

So how do you overcome the natural inclination we all have to lie from time to time?

Make honesty with your partner a conscious decision and a habit. When you make a regular effort to be truthful, even with the small things, it makes telling big lies less easy. Knowing that the consequences almost always outweigh the benefits is something you have to keep present in your mind. For many people, finding a good, trusting relationship is a monumental life task. Destroying a perfectly good relationship because you didn’t think out the consequences of a lie is in some ways a tragedy.

Next time you are tempted to lie, instead tell the truth about why you want to lie: “I’m really afraid you will be upset with me, but here is what happened…”; “It feels like it would be easier to lie to you, but the truth is…”; “I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but since you asked here is what I really think…” Telling the truth can have the opposite effect of lying. Instead of creating distance and inauthenticity, it creates trust and bonding, which is what most people genuinely want in their relationships.

Candy-bouquet deception: men and women explained lies at the beginning of dating

05/04/2023 at 18:39

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It’s no secret that during the candy-bouquet period of courtship, both men and women tend to embellish their own image. In both sexes, numerous virtues and achievements in various fields are inflated by leaps and bounds. All to make the “subject” more foolish, without thinking that it is in the event of the success of the enterprise in the form of marriage that the dust in the eyes will dissipate, and the noodles will fall from the ears.

Are all “false lies” equally innocent – and is it worth saving the union in the event of a “series of high-profile revelations”?

In the film “Mr. and Mrs. Smith,” the couple hid from each other for a long time who they really are.

Photo: Frame from the film

According to an anonymous survey of psychologists, the majority of men and women admit that at the beginning of their acquaintance they used the technique of “artistic hyperbole”, in other words, colorfully exaggerated their merits.

“Manipulators can also splurge, trying to realize some interest of their own,” says family psychologist Anna Grigoryeva. “But if there is no self-interest behind this, it means that the partner who embellished his image simply initially valued his “object” much higher than himself, considering it exceptional, unworthy of his real self. So he tried at any cost to attract the attention of his celestial. If no discoveries destructive of the relationship followed the “lie in the confusion”, then the one who was “hung noodles” during the courtship may even consider himself flattered.

And the “destructive” consequences of candy-bouquet lies are those who seriously violated the aspirations and hopes of the one who was misled. Or they simply caused disappointment that is incompatible with further relationships.

— If a man, figuratively speaking, turned out to be just smart, and not “very smart”, as he presented himself, — Anna Grigoryeva explains, — then such an exaggeration can go completely unnoticed if love nevertheless happened and the relationship developed. As well as female exaggerated “crowds of admirers” or “highly artistic hobbies” with the emergence of a stable union, they can simply melt into thin air. But if, for example, a one-room apartment is exaggerated to a five-room apartment or a garden house is called a country villa, then in the case of a serious relationship, one day the deception will certainly be revealed. And no matter how you convince the deceived that this is for the sake of his own greater disposition, the sediment will still remain. After all, many believe in the proverb that one who deceived once and for nothing, remaining unpunished, one day will certainly deceive you in a big way …

According to the observations of experts – both family psychologists and scientists who study the features of lies – trying to charm their subject, both sexes, as they say, are “interesting”, trying to appear as more extraordinary personalities, as they imagine it to be. But the strong and weak sex do it differently. For the sake of attracting women’s attention, men often exaggerate their achievements – from material and career to intellectual and sports. But women, in order to lure the gentleman who is interested in them, often do not advertise their social, financial and scientific achievements, exaggerating their purely feminine merits: success with men, culinary talents, love of children, thriftiness, openness to experiments in intimacy, etc.

Vraka for the sake of marriage

36-year-old Lydia, who has been happily married to Andrey for the second decade, sometimes laughs at parties when she remembers the “noodles” that her current husband hung on her at the beginning of their acquaintance. Andrei is not embarrassed, but laughs along with everyone:

– I didn’t introduce myself as an astronaut so that one day I could “leave communications into outer space,” the husband justifies himself jokingly. – I just wanted to impress, but Lidusya seemed terribly smart to me.

On one of the first dates, Andrei told Lidochka, who he liked, at that time a diligent graduate student of the philological faculty, that at one time he worked as a translator from the Pashto language.

“I really learned Pashtun at the university, but I never did,” Andrey explains. – Unless I can distinguish it by ear and remember a few phrases. And I really wanted to become a translator, but it did not work out. So I, as they say, exaggerated my little experience into a big dream. To be more interesting to such a smart and excellent student as my wife. Plus, Pashto is such a rare language that I didn’t think I’d ever fall for my exaggeration. And over time, I completely forgot about it.

But Lidochka, in her own words, didn’t forget anything. It was at the department that she was offered to take a comparative analysis of Middle Eastern languages ​​as a topic for her dissertation, although she did not begin to “load” this information on a new friend (at that time, an acquaintance).

“But I mentally gave Andrey a fat plus,” Lydia admits. Common interests are always good. And here also the group of languages ​​coincided. I also thought that this guy, if anything, could help with the dissertation…

Lidia and Andrey’s relationship grew stronger and deeper, and the day came when the girl invited a promising gentleman to a family dinner, without specifying that her dad was an employee of that the Department of Oriental Languages. And dad, on the contrary, heard so much about his daughter’s young man that he immediately greeted him in Pashto.

— Such embarrassment at the very beginning of acquaintance with parents! Andrei recalls. “I was afraid I wouldn’t even have to have dinner.” It’s funny now, but then I was not laughing! Fortunately, I didn’t lie completely from scratch and at least managed to correctly answer the greeting. And then he performed all his five signature phrases and admitted that I was a dropout. He told me that working as a translator is my unfulfilled dream and a way to win over their daughter, who is so gifted in languages…

Lidia adds that such sincerity bribed her parents, especially her mother, and she told her husband not to talk about the work that linguistics is for the whole family over a family dinner.

“Then everything went smoothly,” Lidia recalls. – At first I thought that I would tell Andrey everything after dinner. But everything was so sweet that I somehow got tired of it. Well, I didn’t work as a translator, just think! Of course, then I faked him a couple of times on this topic, but in general, this exposure did not affect my attitude towards Andrei.

– Yeah, a couple of times! Andrey laughs. – I only heard later on any topic: is your business trip the same as working as an interpreter? .. And when it seems to my wife that I am not truthful enough, she still declares: “You don’t tell me Pashtun!” But she went to marry me, and this is the main thing!

— When a friend told me that her boyfriend introduced himself as an athletics champion, and he himself was out of breath while walking along the health path in the park, I realized that my husband and his Pashto are still flowers! Lydia admits.

— The story of Lydia and Andrei is an example of a “hyperbole” that can be forgiven and eventually turned into a family joke, — family psychologist Anna Grigorieva comments. – By and large, a lie is not fatal, although even such a lie, like any deception, provides unpleasant moments. But there are also situations when seemingly not-so-fatal misrepresentation turns out to be fatal for relationships …

The story of 32-year-old Liza is somewhat reminiscent of the famous movie Moscow Does Not Believe in Tears, but only in the second part. Elizabeth is an employee of the power structure, and for her age and gender, she is already quite high-ranking. But, having met a handsome man, she told him that she was a lawyer specializing in advocacy.

— Well, I kind of just didn’t finish speaking, — Lisa explains her intentions. – I really have a legal education, and my service is such that the first comers do not report about it. I wanted to tell Zhenya the truth about a month later, but I didn’t dare. You see, a woman in uniform can scare away a man from completely different areas, but I also want to arrange my personal life. You can’t work in the service, and everyone is married there. I thought that when I fall in love for real, then I’ll tell you.

The romance between Lisa and Yevgeny really developed quite rapidly. For the time being, the girl managed to disguise her daily duties in the service as bachelorette parties and overnight trips to her mother, but as they got closer, Zhenya became jealous and more carefully found out where her beloved spent the night from time to time.

“Apparently, he suspected that I had an “alternate airfield” in the form of another man,” says Elizabeth. – And once, when we had been living together for three months in Zhenya’s apartment, I went to my place to change clothes before the next daily duty, having come up with another excuse for my beloved. The problem is that we hand over mobile phones before duty, so I can’t call or send a message … And, apparently, Zhenya was tired of believing in everything, and he decided to check. In general, I leave my entrance in a uniform, go to the car, and next to it is my Zhenya. I wish you good health, he says, where have you soaped yourself, comrade lawyer ?!

According to Lisa, she was sure that her lover would be a little offended by the fact that she “didn’t tell him” about her work, and would forget it. But it turned out differently.

– When I returned from duty a day later, Zhenya, all so gloomy, was waiting for me “for the verdict”, as he put it. And he told me that he managed to become attached to me as a woman, but he was not ready to live with a deceiver. I tried to convince him that I would confess, but later. I was afraid that my line of work was incompatible with Zhenya’s ideas about a good wife and about a normal life in general. He is a creative person (Zhenya is a restorer), he may not understand … But he rested on the fact that the reason for his deep resentment was precisely that I had been lying to him for half a year. And he, as a person who understands people, understands that once he lied, he will lie more than once.

Lisa admits that she was, of course, upset. But right there, pride leapt up: since it drives so easily, it means that he didn’t really love him. And so, everything was for the best.

– I thought that I wouldn’t chase Zhenya if I knew that he was not a restorer, but a traffic cop, for example. And in general, I wouldn’t have behaved like that if I had been deceived about my work by the one whom I managed to fall in love with. And if it comes to that, then he himself should be offended. Since he understands people so much, why couldn’t he guess who I really am for half a year? If I were him, I would have guessed: my specific vocabulary sometimes slips, and colleagues call, and sometimes they urgently call me to work …

“But here Elizabeth is not far from the truth,” sums up the psychologist. – Often, the deceived party is deeply offended not even by the fact that they made some kind of life plans with a person whose life (work, hobbies, etc.) turned out to be a fiction, but by the fact that they let themselves be “dissolved on chaff”. As a rule, these are proud and even narcissistic people who consider themselves very perspicacious.

Sexual characteristics of a lie

Studying the stories of “lying to foolishness”, you just want to collect them into an adventurous novel: what can you hear! He introduced himself as a teacher of literature, and he himself is a criminal. She said that she attends cooking classes three times a week, and she herself goes to a bar with her friends. While courting, he assured that the restaurateur, even in his “own” restaurant, treated him, but in fact he turned out to be a waiter there. Such an educated, well-read girl, I believed that she was an art critic until she stated that Shishkin “painted a bear in the North.” Of all, only the liar about culinary courses was forgiven, since even without them the girl cooked well, and most importantly, willingly, and she really went to the bar only in women’s society.

“Lies have their own sexual nature,” sums up the psychologist. – If you do not take into account swindlers and conscious manipulators of both sexes, then women “in the lurch” more often embellish the little things and less often lie – by and large, only if they really really want to hide something. Purely female fantasies for the sake of attracting a worthy, in their opinion, gentleman – for example, a subscription to the conservatory, which in fact is not, the first category in figure skating, which in reality she did not reach, etc. That is why it is the ladies who often come across the lies in the swindle, forgetting the small details that they lied to.

But men’s fantasies for the sake of conquering a woman are directly proportional not only to his own ambitions, but also to the requests of the enslaved. If a man, when meeting, “reads” a young lady’s vanity or love for material goods, then his “artistic hyperbole” will be based on this. Men, too, of course, sooner or later fall for a lie. But only if you entered into a serious relationship with a woman. And if there was no such intention or initially there was no such intention, then the gentleman disappears from the life of the lady as an “unrevealed hero”.

And among both sexes there are those who, as they say, are glad to be deceived. The girl dreams of a “prince on a white horse” so much that for months she does not recognize a waiter from a diner in a “young diplomat”, and the young man wants a “status girlfriend” so much that he dutifully takes a young lady with 8 grades of secondary school for a candidate of science. For the sake of satisfying the needs of those who are happy to be deceived, “lying to stupefy” mainly occurs. And among the dreamers there are those who, for greater persuasiveness, begin to believe in their own invented image …

Experts on lies advise those who have been deceived, before breaking off relationships because of deceit or, conversely, forgiving and forgetting a lie, carefully consider how much this deception has spoiled their quality of life and mood. If the damage is not particularly serious, then, before driving the “liar” out of your life, it is worth remembering that he (a) embellished himself for your own disposition.

Fantasists, on the other hand, are reminded by experts that the limits of acceptability of a lie are different for all of us and depend not on our mood or disposition, but on the attitudes and life experience received in the parental family. And the fact that for you an innocent “hyperbole”, to another, in all seriousness, may seem like an insidious deception. Therefore, before embellishing or hiding something, think about whether it really will decorate you so much in the eyes of someone you care about.

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Authors:

• Zhanna Golubitskaya

Moscow

Published in the Moskovsky Komsomolets newspaper No. 29024 dated May 5, 2023

Newspaper headline:
Sexually transmitted stories

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The doctor explained why the mother’s lie could have killed the girl during the operation

04/06/2023 at 19:40

Society

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The other day, the story in which the frivolity of the mother of a small patient almost turned into a tragedy was told by the Minister of Health of the Republic of Karelia Mikhail Okhlopkov. Despite warnings, a parent allowed her daughter to drink a glass of water shortly before a major operation. During the operation, this water gushed through the girl’s nose and mouth, and if it were not for the skill and efficiency of the specialists, the child could easily have died. About why a glass of water before the operation can become fatal, “MK” asked the experts.

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As Alexey Starchenko, a member of the Public Council for the Protection of Patients’ Rights, explained to MK, in cases where the operation is performed under general anesthesia, the patient is connected to a ventilator. An endotracheal tube is inserted into his larynx through which the person breathes during the operation. It can only be inserted into a relaxed larynx, therefore, in addition to other medicines, the patient is injected with a muscle relaxant – a drug that relaxes the muscles. The problem is that it relaxes not only the larynx, but also the muscles of the stomach and esophagus. As a result, liquid or liquefied food is sent back.

“This is most similar to vomiting, but it is more correct to call this phenomenon regurgitation – the movement of fluid in the opposite direction to normal,” the specialist explained. In the direction of the larynx, along with the food and drink located there, the gastric juice also moves, containing, in particular, hydrochloric and other acids, as well as enzymes. When they enter the lungs, they lead to operational pneumonia. The contents of the stomach can damage the alveoli through which oxygen enters the blood. In addition, the influx of dangerous fluid can cause the tiny bronchi that connect the alveoli to the upper respiratory tract to contract, so that oxygen supply to the lungs can be reduced to catastrophic levels, often resulting in death.

Therefore, the doctor explained, the patient should not eat or drink for at least 10 hours before the operation.