My Story with Bipolar Disorder

I honestly can say that up until the end of college I had no discernible signs of a mental illness. It all was jump-started during finals week of my second to last quarter of college. I was 23. I had one final exam left before spring break. I was on schedule to graduate after spring quarter.

I was second in my class in civil engineering. During finals week, a classmate met me at a bar for a pitcher of green beer. I witnessed the bartender mixing the green food coloring into the beer. The rest of what happened that day is a blur. And not a blur in the sense of, “I got drunk and blacked out,” but a blur in the sense that when I got back to the apartment, my roommate said I looked like I had thirty beers. In reality, I didn’t even finish the pitcher.

I remember feeling a rush of adrenaline and like my arms were on fire. I remember my hands shaking a lot, and a lot of anxiety for the first time in my life. I struggled through the final because I physically didn’t feel right.

The feeling continued on the drive home from Athens to Canton, for spring break. The rush of adrenaline continued, the anxiety built up and I couldn’t sit still at all. My mind was racing. The drive home took what felt like an eternity.  I just wanted to get home and tell my mom what was going on and possibly go to the emergency room. 

I got home and couldn’t sleep or sit still at all. The anxiety multiplied.  I couldn’t even sit and watch TV.  My mom and her boyfriend thought maybe the green beer I drank was possibly laced. Either way we knew something was wrong and they took me to the emergency room.  I vaguely remember screaming religious statements in the crowded waiting room as I waited.  I was admitted into the local psychiatric ward.  

For most of the time I was in isolation I wasn’t sleeping at all. I started to have paranoid delusions of grandeur. Like, maybe I was in here because of a crime I don’t remember committing? My mind started playing tricks on me. I totally lost track of time. It felt like I was in that room for months. The only people I saw for days were the nurses and my doctor. They started giving me daily medicine but for the first couple days I remember denying it.  I thought, drugs got me into this mess, how can they possibly get me out? Then, for about the fifth time a nurse told me to, once again, take my medicine, and I said no. Then she said, “Don’t you want to go home?”  

Home. I didn’t even remember what home was. My mind had been racing at 200 mph for like four or five days and I didn’t remember that I had a home around the corner from this hospital with my family.

It was at that point that I began taking the medicine and slowly started recovering. At that time, it was diagnosed as a drug-induced psychotic episode, probably from drinking beer laced with PCP.  My doctor said it was probably a “one time thing.”  
 
I stayed on my prescribed meds for the better part of a year.  I did not make it back to college in time to graduate in Spring 2007 like I planned.  I needed the quarter off to mentally recover. But I returned in Fall of 2007 for my last quarter of undergrad classes. Leading up to the time I returned, my psychiatrist claimed I was doing well enough that he gradually weaned me off my meds. It worked out to be that right around the time I returned to campus, I was once again medicine free, for better or worse.    

Even still I had a successful final quarter and graduated in November 2007 with a Cum Laude Bachelors of Science in Civil Engineering. Before then I decided that I wanted to pursue graduate school in civil engineering as well, the following quarter in Winter 2008. I was having a great time and very thrilled to see what went into the research side of engineering.  It was all new to me.  

I had been off my medicine for quite a while now and started to relapse while starting grad school. I started losing sleep again. I started to have grandiose plans like designing and building my own house.  I started having racing thoughts turned into religious delusions.  During these periods, I begin to think many different delusional thoughts are in fact reality, and I was stupid to not think this way before. I remember talking my best friend’s ear off about religion on the phone. Sleep was lost night after night, until I eventually called my mom in a panic and said something was wrong. She drove to campus and drove me home and took me, once again, to the local psychiatric ward.

The second episode of mine was more severe. I had fantastical paranoid delusions, thinking I was the antichrist, the messiah or both. I believed the news channels were broadcasting me live on TV as the messiah/antichrist was in the local hospital for all the world to see. I figured that all the people in the hospital hated me for it, as well as all the people watching the news. I had many auditory hallucinations, from anyone from my classmates and professors to God.

I was once again put on medicine and this episode was also incorrectly diagnosed as a second psychotic episode and isolated incident. I was forced to withdraw from graduate school, never finishing one quarter.  

I stayed on medicine much longer, and even was well enough to work a year and a half at an engineering firm. Then I decided to commute to grad school close to home. It went well despite being depressed and confused about my mental condition. I graduated with a Masters in civil engineering and wrote a 140-page thesis. But once again, a different doctor eventually claimed I was fine, and weaned me off my meds right around time of graduation in May 2012.

All this stress triggered my third and most severe manic episode.  Life was moving too fast for me even though I had no insight.  I scared my girlfriend while living with her with erratic behavior.  I started losing sleep again. I got lost once driving from Cleveland to Canton, a drive that I had memorized.  I was unfit to drive and got in a serious car accident.  I lost the job in a week, lost my girlfriend and best friend and was admitted to the local psych ward on my 27th birthday in December 2012.
 
This episode was an extended mania and did not occur only when I was in the hospital. It included a fist fight with my brother, a run in with Cleveland cops, very risky behavior, grandiose ideas, shopping sprees, auditory hallucinations and even visually seeing things when I closed my eyes, like strobe lights, music visualizers and even aliens.

I was finally officially diagnosed with severe bipolar 1 disorder with psychotic effects. All three of my episodes were actually severe manic episodes with some psychosis involved. I was put on medicine again, this time for good and have been manic episode free ever since—over four years now. But at this point in my life I want more than just self-isolation at home and feeling depressed because of it.  I feel like I have a lot to offer this world.

My plans for the future include volunteering part time to see if I can handle the stress of a part time job. I also will train for the mental health certified peer supporter soon—as I meet all qualifications and definitely have the lived mental health experience—which could turn into job opportunities.  My overall goal is to eventually get back in the civil engineering field and continue my career.  I’ve done it before so I know I can do it again with the right coping skills and supportive people around me. NAMI support groups have helped me to realize I am not alone in my recovery. I truly believe recovery is possible. My story is not over yet.  I’m ready to reclaim my life.  

Share your story, message, poem, quote, photo or video of hope, struggle or recovery. By sharing your experience, you can let others know that they are not alone.

Bipolar Mania Stories: What Is Bipolar Mania Like?

Emma-Marie Smith

Bipolar mania stories provide valuable insight into life with bipolar disorder, not least because they help us re-frame our own experiences. But what is bipolar mania actually like? The depictions of bipolar that we see in movies and TV shows aren’t always accurate, and it can be almost impossible to see our own lives reflected in dramatized versions of what life with bipolar is really like. With this in mind, here are some real-life stories of bipolar mania from people who live with and manage this condition.

Real Life Bipolar Mania Stories

Real bipolar mania stories are crucial if we want to understand the symptoms of bipolar disorder and the impact on those affected. When we talk about our experiences of mental illness, we help others feel less alone and reduce some of the stigma associated with mental illness.

Here’s what some of our bloggers have to say about bipolar mania:

“Some manic symptoms sound pleasurable and can even be perceived that way by the person with bipolar disorder. However, the problem with bipolar disorder mania is that the behaviors and thoughts are taken too far to the extreme and result in dangerous consequences.” Natasha Tracy, Breaking Bipolar

“Personally, I have felt like a superhero when I was manic. Now that I’m properly treated for bipolar and taking great care of myself, I know that being bipolar is not a “superpower. ” I believe bipolar disorder has pros and cons, but a superpower it is not. Kara Lynch, Bipolar Griot blog

“Highs and lows are part of the territory of bipolar disorder. Learning to manage the extremes of bipolar disorder feels like something I’m constantly working on and that’s okay. Wellness is a journey, and it can be improved by building your bipolar coping skills toolbox.”
Geralyn Dexter, Bipolar Vida blog

“I thought I was the gift of God. That I could do anything. I could beat anyone at anything. I decided to go from New York to LA and be a movie star. I went to a modeling agency and got a contract, and I’m 5’1″! I felt beautiful, and people thought I was beautiful. It was like they fed off my energy. I drove around on a little scooter I bought that was too dangerous- but I felt wild and free! I slept with three men. at once. No one could tell this was not the real me. I felt it, so they felt it.” Sherri, 45

”Manic episodes, for me, start out like a powerful rush of ecstasy. One experiences certain bravado and elevated esteem. I feel creative, intuitive, and giddy. I’ve functioned on a level of working 12-hour plus days with little or no sleep for long periods of time because I have ‘projects’ in my mind.” Juliet

What Is Bipolar Mania Like? Final Insights

Bipolar mania is different for everyone, but it doesn’t discriminate between gender, class or social standing. Some of the most powerful insights into what bipolar is like come from celebrities who have chosen to speak up about their experiences of bipolar disorder. Here’s what they have to say about bipolar mania and depression:

“At times, being bipolar can be an all-consuming challenge, requiring a lot of stamina and even more courage, so if you’re living with this illness and functioning at all, it’s something to be proud of, not ashamed of. They should issue medals along with the steady stream of medication.” Carrie Fisher.

“It’s tormented me all my life with the deepest of depressions while giving me the energy and creativity that perhaps has made my career.” Stephen Fry

“I was actually manic a lot of the times. I used to take on workloads, and I would say, ‘Yes, I can do this, I can do this, I can do this.’ I was conquering the world, but then I would come crashing down, and I would be more depressed than ever.” Demi Lovato

article references

APA Reference
Smith, E.
(2021, December 28). Bipolar Mania Stories: What Is Bipolar Mania Like?, HealthyPlace. Retrieved
on 2023, June 7 from https://www.healthyplace.com/bipolar-disorder/bipolar-symptoms/bipolar-mania-stories-what-is-bipolar-mania-like

Last Updated: January 7, 2022

Medically reviewed by Harry Croft, MD

More Info

Current Bipolar Disorder Research

What Are the Symptoms of Bipolar Depression?

Gold Standard for Treating Bipolar Disorder

Managing Problems Associated with Bipolar Disorder

What is Manic Depression? Symptoms, Test for Manic Depression

New Research on Biological Psychiatry and Psychopharmacology

A Manic Depression Primer: Preface

The story of a bipolar disorder – Miloserdiye.

ru

“Probably, my father loved us all with his sick love”

In her world, the subway train travels one stop for several hours (in the period of hypomania, Natalya everything seems very slow), and in order to recover after the session, you need to spend the whole summer in bed. Natalya told Mercy.ru how she lives with a diagnosis and why she is still offended by her parents.

The causes of bipolar disorder (BAD) are still unknown, but it is believed that stress can trigger symptoms.

When Natalia was seven years old, her parents divorced – her mother became pregnant, her father did not want a child, and when the woman decided not to have an abortion, he showed her the door.

The girl does not remember how many months she has not seen her mother – as a child it seemed to her that it was an infinitely long time. “I don’t remember that period at all. Only my birthday, I think I finished the first grade and cried because my mother was not there – this is the only memory, ”she says.

However, the parents reconciled, and mother returned home, together with tiny Artyom. The boy had cerebral palsy and epileptic seizures. He never learned to sit and talk.

“Artyom quickly got used to me, and when he saw his father, he started screaming and wouldn’t go into his arms. By the age of two, they somehow found contact. Probably, his father loved him with his sick love, which loves all of us. Mom devoted all the time to her brother, they often lay in hospitals, ”says Natalia.

Natalia did not like to return home because of the eternal scandals. “Sometimes I’m sitting in a room, my father opens the door, starts screaming, swearing:“ You are so-and-so, all in your mother ”for the fact that I forgot to put the milk in the refrigerator.

I was afraid of him and hated him, I dreamed of leaving as soon as possible. I was always tight, grinding my teeth at night. Probably, she relaxed for the first time when, at the age of 18, she began to rent a room with her friend. Only then did I understand what it was like to come home and not be afraid.”

“It’s like you’re constantly holding bare wires in your hands”

Natalya had a hard time going through adolescence – she couldn’t cope with her own feelings.

“The emotions were incredible, as if you were constantly holding bare wires. Everything is pushed to the limit. If this is irritation, anger, then an incredible hysteria. I literally hated everyone around me. If I liked someone, it was a tragedy, I could not cope with the fireworks of emotions that I experienced for a person. I remember that I complained to my friends and my mother that it’s hard for me with myself, I can’t stand it, emotions take away so much strength. Everyone said – this is adolescence, and I’m just so emotional, ”says Natalya.

The girl was also haunted by suicidal thoughts, but Natalya thought that all teenagers grow up like this: “It seemed to me that all people want to die, I didn’t understand why people sometimes react strangely to my suicidal remarks or jokes. ”

Severe depressive states rolled over. “Then it always seemed to me that I was not good enough, smart, beautiful enough. In college – that against the background of my classmates, I’m stupid. At times I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror: I hated myself so much and felt sorry that I was the way I am, ”says Natalia.

The storm of emotions subsided at the age of 17 – then Natalia began to lie in bed for months, so the state of excitement and activity was replaced by apathy, which is typical for bipolar disorder. The girl went to college to be a programmer. During the session, she was excited, prepared, received tests – and then spent the whole summer in bed.

“Then it seemed to me that I was just tired after the session and so I was resting. I also thought I was lazy. I didn’t want to do anything, I didn’t want to talk to anyone. Yes, and the memory frightened me: they say something to me – but I don’t understand, there is jelly in my head, memory, like a fish: five seconds, and I forgot what was discussed.

I had a bad dream, I could fall asleep in the morning, wake up at 13-14, lie in bed until 17, walk around the house and back to bed. I worked for several hours a day – I taught programming for children online. By night I felt better, sometimes I went for a walk in the evening. And every day it became harder and harder, ”recalls the girl.

At first she giggled, and then she went to a psychiatrist

At the age of 18, Natalya already guessed that she had depression – she took tests online several times, the result was always high. But she was in her senior year of college and was afraid to go to a psychiatrist: he would prescribe therapy, side effects would appear, and there would be no strength to defend her diploma.

At the age of 19, Natalya went to a psychologist for the first time: to work through her resentment towards her parents. Psychotherapy helped, she decided that depression receded. But migraines and back pains began to torment. Natalya came to the neurologist, worried that something serious was happening with her back. “I was examined and asked to take a depression test, which I already knew. As a result, the neurologist confirmed depression. I burst into tears right in the doctor’s office, they consoled me: here, drink antidepressants, you will feel better.

At that time, the doctors did not yet understand that Natalya had bipolar disorder (depressive manifestations are only one part of it), and for people with bipolar disorder, therapy with only antidepressants is dangerous – hypomania may begin. “In this state, everything becomes incredibly slow. I lead a lesson – it seems to me that it goes not for an hour, but for eight. I am traveling in a carriage for three stations – and they are endless. And absolutely everything is annoying, ”the girl explains.

In college, Natalia had a friend who, regarding her condition and mood swings, said: “Are you bipolar or what? Go get well!” “We both laughed with him, I didn’t take offense, but one day I didn’t feel like laughing and I went to a psychiatrist. ”

Natalia recalls that after the diagnosis, she was completely confused. Natalia’s mother did not understand the seriousness of the situation for a long time. The fact that Natalya was diagnosed with depression was told to her by her eldest daughter, Natalya’s sister. “Mom said: some stupid things they came up with for themselves.”

Natalya is still not going to say anything to her father. “Would it make me feel better if I told him? No. Will he cause problems? 100%. For my father, mental illness means that you are completely inadequate, who runs around with an ax, ”says the girl.

Where is the real me?

Having found no support from her relatives, Natalia heard about ANO “Kak ty” – an organization that coordinates support groups for people with bipolar disorder and other mental disorders. The girl was afraid to be among strangers, but she really wanted to see people like her, to find out how they cope?

“When I first came to the group, there were about eight people, I thought: “Wow, the crowd!” For me, the crowd is everything that is more than two people, I don’t really like crowded places.

But the host was very calm, everything was cozy, comfortable, because the host monitored the observance of the rules:

no one condemned anyone, did not give unsolicited advice. The meeting lasted two hours, but for me it flew like 15 minutes,” Natalia shares.

At the first meeting, the girl saw mostly her peers and decided that bipolar disorder is a “young” disease. But the next time I met people over forty who have been living with the disease for decades: “They said that from a certain age the disease became easier to bear, and it inspired me so much, so there is a chance that I will feel better.”

At support groups, after everyone introduces themselves, they discuss requests: who would like to talk about what. Many are concerned about the question – what am I really like, or, as psychiatrists say, the question of self-identification.

“People are alone in mania, others in depression, but where are they real? I’m lucky that I don’t have such extreme swings, although I know I get more irritable when I’m hypomanic. But some change a lot, to the opposite: they are insanely sociable, gush with ideas, and as soon as the mania passes, they become shy, they don’t even look in the eyes, ”Natalya describes.

People often discuss how to accept a diagnosis and when to tell new friends about it. According to Natalia, many people with bipolar disorder talk about it right away – “on the shore”. She herself thinks differently: “I am not obliged to tell every acquaintance about my illness, but if this is a personal relationship and things are going to something serious, you need to warn the person – and he has the right to refuse.”

Groups also discuss the latest news about the disease, research, share life hacks. Natalia has trouble sleeping and was advised to use a weighted blanket and practice good sleep hygiene. “Always go to bed and get up at the same time, do not sit on gadgets a few hours before bedtime: you need a quiet activity, for example, some kind of needlework. You can’t eat in bed, watch TV shows – you don’t need to do anything except sleep, ”Natalya shares.

She was also advised to keep mood diaries to help track and control her condition.

Natalia believes that she became calmer when she began attending support groups. She notices that the members of the group are changing. For example, one of the participants began to play sports – at meetings it was discussed that physical activity is important for people with bipolar disorder.

Natalia recently completed training and has been leading support groups herself since July.

“When you are a member of a group, you react more vividly to other people’s stories, you go deeper. Sometimes there are difficult topics, for example, about suicidal thoughts, after this you come out loaded. And as a presenter, you don’t fall into all the stories so much – you need to count the number of requests and keep track of the time in order to have time to discuss everything, make sure that the rules are followed, direct the topic. And this change of options is also therapeutic, you try yourself in a different role, notice what you have not seen before, and learn to organize the process,” explains Natalia.

The rules of the group include “I-statements”, respect for each other, a ban on criticism of drug therapy, so there is usually no rude feedback from the participants – although people are people, some show their dissatisfaction. In this case, the leader reminds of the rules.

“When I was a host, after the first meeting, one young man said: “I should not have come here, I am a stranger among my own people, no one understands me.” But he continues to go to groups and each time becomes less categorical.

There are people who stop attending meetings because they have worked through their request and they no longer need to discuss something. Or a person went to groups to find like-minded people, met someone here and now communicates outside of meetings. Or he begins to have severe health problems – some are not able to reach the group in a depressive episode.

There is also a type of people who come with the request: “Prove that I need a support group.” But this is not how it works, no one will prove anything to anyone, everyone decides for himself whether he needs to be here, ”says Natalya.

Interestingly, over time, Natalya’s mother began to perceive her daughter’s condition more meaningfully. “Now mom understands that this is really serious, a disease. So she believes and accepts me,” Natalya hopes.

“There are situations when it is simply dangerous to talk about a diagnosis”

Psychiatrist Alexander Kursakov explains: it is best if relatives of a person living with bipolar disorder are aware of his diagnosis. This is important, because in case of illness, criticality in relation to one’s condition can be reduced – important “calls” about the condition of a loved one can be missed. People who know about the diagnosis can be relatives, friends or colleagues.

“Both depression and mania (hypomania are all manifestations of bipolar disorder) can be accompanied by activities that threaten a person’s well-being. With depression, this can be suicidal behavior, and with mania, reckless actions, spending, loans, promiscuity. It is desirable that one of the relatives was in the know, could notice from the outside that something is wrong, suggest that now you need to write to the doctor, ”says the psychiatrist.

However, there are times when talking about BAD to people with whom you live under the same roof is not worth it.

“It all depends on the relationship. Such information can harm a person who decides to be treated himself, and, for example, his mother/husband/wife says: “Don’t take medicine”, throws them away in full conviction that a loved one cannot have a mental disorder, he just invents / is lazy / fooling around.

Most often this happens with parents in relation to their children, parents simply do not want to accept this.

Of course, this situation must be discussed with a psychotherapist, who will support himself and tell you how and where to find support.”

If the conversation has already taken place, but as a result a person with bipolar disorder has encountered a misunderstanding and denial of the diagnosis, Dr. Kursakov recommends trying to go with a relative to the attending psychiatrist or psychotherapist. Perhaps, having heard from a competent specialist about the diagnosis, relatives will change their attitude to the problem with their loved ones.

“Well, if there is trust in the family, maintaining relationships, then the question “to speak or not” does not arise. It’s just that at some point a person opens up and talks about the diagnosis, ”the doctor shares his experience.

Collages by Tatyana Sokolova

Bipolar disorder. What it’s like to live with bipolar disorder, how people with bipolar disorder feel – the story of a person with bipolar disorder

M aniac-depressive psychosis, or simply bipolar: under such names, the people know the disorder, which affects an average of five to eight people out of a thousand. There are many myths about him, including quite ridiculous ones. On Bipolar Affective Disorder Awareness Day, Yekaterina Bormotova, a journalist from the Network of City Portals, tells how to live with this diagnosis .

A few years ago I was diagnosed with a “fashionable” then already diagnosis – F31. Translated from medical into Russian, this means “bipolar affective disorder.” Many thanks to the doctors for choosing such a pleasant term for the name of my illness, because earlier, back in Soviet times, it was called “manic-depressive psychosis” – you must admit, it’s scary.

But the nice term also has a downside: few people take the illness with that name seriously. “Manic-depressive psychosis” sounds impressive, and bipolar is something about teenagers who have not decided on their mood. At least that’s how it is perceived by many. And it didn’t help at all when I was diagnosed. Not at all.

I was 27 when I first came to the regional psychiatric hospital. She called an ambulance herself: I was at home alone and felt that now I can do something with myself. My consciousness seemed to split in two: some part of me wanted to end this life, but the other part understood that it should not do this. It’s very scary. Imagine that you are locked in a room with a killer and must persuade him not to kill you. Now imagine that this room is your mind and the killer is you.

By that time I had already seen a psychiatrist, the doctor thought that I had recurrent depressive disorder. He was partly right: depression is part of bipolar. But the second part of it is mania.

People often don’t understand the difference between depression and bad mood. I have a simple explanation: depression is running in water. You do everything that you do on land, you strain your muscles in the same way, you apply the same efforts, but because of the resistance of the water you cannot get the same result. To follow this analogy, mania is weightlessness. Your efforts are not hindered by gravity, you barely push off the ground and fly, not run.

Movie and book protagonists usually say, “I always knew there was something wrong with me.” I never thought so. I was convinced that all people live and feel the same way as I do, they are just stronger and cope, and I always do some stupid things and spoil everything. Even in our youth, my future husband said that I needed to see a psychologist. Of course, I didn’t think so. Later, when we got married, he started talking about a psychiatrist, but I was convinced that everything was fine with me. In the end, I went to the doctor only after the divorce, and he found I was depressed. And a year and a half later they brought me to the eighth kilometer (of the Siberian tract, the address of the psychiatric hospital. – Note ed. ).

There were twenty people in the hospital room. No bedside tables, no TV, no flowers on the windows – only beds with white sheets, I’m wearing a hospital nightgown, a toothbrush and slippers from personal items. This is called the “observation chamber”, newcomers enter there. It sounds creepy, but when you realize that the alternative is death, the choice is obvious. Then those who are not dangerous to themselves and others are transferred to other wards, where you can already have personal belongings, but still you can’t use the phone or, for example, embroider.

The number of suicides in Russia and the world is decreasing every year, but still remains at a high level

Infographics: Vitaly Kalistratov / Network of city portals

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I left the hospital after a month and a half and told about my illness on social networks. I know some people thought it was overkill and some people thought I was a hero for coming out with an open face, but let’s be honest, I had no choice. At work, they knew what hospital I ended up in, and the journalistic community is compact, one way or another people would know that I was in a madhouse. It was easier to tell myself than to catch meaningful looks and fight rumors when I wanted to change jobs.

Then a new life began. Because of one of the drugs, I gained 20 kg, slept 16 hours a day and did not want to leave the house. I was lucky that I could work remotely, my parents supported me, but even so I was forced to get into debt. I can’t imagine how people with my diagnosis cope with work at this stage, it’s very difficult: due to antipsychotics, absent-mindedness appears, cognitive functions weaken, and communication skills are lost.

Books and films about bipolar often reveal the problem of accepting treatment – many people find it difficult to come to terms with the fact that they will have to take drugs for the rest of their lives, which also cause side effects. But they don’t say anything about losing yourself. Here you live for 27 years and think that certain character traits are characteristic of you, and then you find out that, perhaps, these are not character traits, but a disease.

How to understand where you end and the disease begins? How to understand that it was you who wanted to hitchhike, get a cat, move to another city or get married, and not sick thoughts influenced your decisions? Do you love Aivazovsky in general, or did you just see his canvas in mania, when all feelings are aggravated to the limit? I am in several patient communities, and this is what really worries a lot of people.

The good news is that you can live with it. Over time, the body gets used to the drugs and ceases to give very harsh side effects. Some drugs are a thing of the past and are used only during periods of exacerbations, some doctors find a replacement if they complain about unpleasant effects. They picked up a good working scheme for me, with which I can live a full life: work, communicate with people, help loved ones. But, of course, there are exacerbations.

An exacerbation does not start all at once, it develops over several days or weeks. It is very important to notice this at the very beginning, otherwise there will be problems – from quarrels with loved ones to losing a job and debts. Debts… Damn money in mania is spent like it’s not yours. Even before I was diagnosed, I had to mess with it terribly. You know, I would forbid giving people loans without an examination by a psychiatrist. At the very least, it would save me from a number of problems. Fortunately, I never had large sums or property, so I lost a little.

In exacerbations, I offended people, made people fall in love with me, let people down, destroyed important connections, made new dubious ones, behaved disgustingly and defiantly, did things that I really regret and will regret all my life. And I don’t want that ever again. If for this you need to take pills for life, I’m ready.

I am very lucky with my close people. Almost no one abandoned me after I told about my diagnosis, although I know that many patients experience this. It was a little difficult to explain to some close people why I agreed to the treatment – they told me: “You don’t need it, I know you, everything is fine with you, you are normal.” Relatives and friends often persuade patients to stop taking medications, because with the drugs they become “strangers”. But it’s not. I am convinced that with treatment we do not lose ourselves, we find ourselves. It just takes time sometimes. Sometimes this time is measured in years.

I think that being a person with bipolar disorder is not as difficult as living with such a person.