Married to a liar: How To Deal With A Lying Spouse
What to Do When a Spouse Lies
When you’ve caught someone in lies, it’s natural to doubt almost everything they say. And when that someone happens to be your spouse, the sense of betrayal is even more profound. How can you rebuild trust when your spouse has lied to you?
Reasons Spouses Lie
There are many reasons your spouse may be dishonest with you. Maybe they’re not fully coming clean because:
They have already disappointed you, and they’re afraid of your reaction;
They promised to change a pattern, and they haven’t;
They promised to get something done, but didn’t…even though they meant to.
People often lie not necessarily to deceive, but to protect their own ego. They’re ashamed of what they’re trying to cover up, they are afraid of the consequences, and they don’t want to have to live with your disappointment in them. When this is the case, it can be easy for them to convince themselves that they’re not really lying.
In cases like these, this isn’t so much a character issue as it is a maturity issue. They’re not liars across the board–this is not an issue of global dishonest or global distrust. But by the same token, they have to be willing to start to come clean, because regardless of the reasons for their dishonesty, lying is a toxic practice that will eventually break down your marriage.
Another kind of dishonesty is when your spouse is actively trying to deceive you by doing things you wouldn’t choose for them to do–things that are destructive to them, to your relationship, or even to other people. Maybe they aren’t honoring your relationship through chronic or repetitive infidelity.
When someone is actively deceptive on a large scale, is deliberately deceiving you and hurting you and others, they have holes in their conscience. Clinically, we refer to these people as sociopaths or psychopaths–in other words, people lacking the normal sense of guilt that most others feel when engaging in activities that are morally wrong and hurtful to others.
How to Confront a Lying Spouse
Now that you’re dealing with deception in your marriage, you’re going to think that whatever your spouse has lied to you about is global. It might be; then again, it might not. There’s no way around the painful conversation that comes next; you have to be able to put this on the table with your spouse, one way or another.
How can you confront this in a way that will be productive? There are a few different ways of dealing with dishonesty, depending on what the root of it is.
If your spouse is lying to protect his or her ego, talk to him or her about your perspectives, your experiences, and your feelings surrounding the lie. Yes, you’re in pain, but don’t throw it in your spouse’s face or try to hurt them back (even if you want to). Saying things like, “Look what you’ve done!” or, “Look how you’ve hurt me!” won’t be helpful.
The worst thing you can do is provoke someone when you’ve recognized that they’re not being honest with you. Try to look at the situation in the context of their perspective, and attempt to understand why they felt the need to lie. Emotional fear causes people to lie because they don’t want to feel exposed, for whatever reason.
It’s very good judgment to reveal that you know what’s going on up-front; don’t try to set up a situation where you can “catch them” in a lie. Instead, let them know that you know they’ve been dishonest. Gently explain that you feel very betrayed, and this is painful for you.
You can ask your spouse, “Why didn’t you think I’d be safe to tell the truth to?” Let them answer, and hear them out. Then, let them know that you’d rather feel disappointed because they told you the truth, rather than betrayed because they lied about it.
Be careful not to appear judgmental; instead, let your spouse see that you’re sad and hurt, and that you want to have a relationship with them that isn’t painful and doesn’t include deception.
Tell your spouse that you don’t want this to happen again. Trust is the foundation of love, and you must be able to maintain a healthy sense of trust in one another in order to nurture the lifelong love you both want.
If your spouse falls into the more toxic, chronically deceptive category, don’t deliberately try to catch them in their lies. Instead, the approach you take should be more strategic, aimed at interrupting his or her patterns of deception. This approach will also communicate that you’re not fooled.
If you’re seeing things that don’t add up–that make you suspect deep dishonesty–try saying, “Look, I see this, and I see this. And they do not add up.” Simply state the facts. Let them know that what you’re seeing and what they’re saying don’t add up.
Another variation you could use is, “I’m getting different messages that make it seem like you’re not being honest with me.” Stating that words and actions, or stories and evidence, don’t add up interrupts their pattern of chronic lying, and they won’t feel like they’re getting away with it.
Little by little, pull down each brick in the wall of lies they’ve built. Confront your spouse event by event, as things happen, and deconstruct the illusion they’re trying to create.
Staying in a relationship with a sociopathic person is incredibly toxic, and you may find that you need to seek professional counseling in order to cope more comprehensively with what’s happening in your marriage.
You Can Overcome Dishonesty in Your Marriage
People have best and worst moments, and when you’re married someone, you see the very best and the very worst of one another. You can overcome dishonesty in your marriage and go on to live a long, happy life together, full of trust and honesty.
Have faced a spouse’s dishonesty? How did you confront him or her about it, and what was the end result? We’d love to hear your stories in the comments section.
Living With a Liar Can Make You Crazy
“Gaslighting” is a term that originated with the 1938 stage play, Gaslight, by British writer Patrick Hamilton. However, most people are familiar with the story through the 1944 film of the same name, starring Charles Boyer and Ingrid Bergman. In the film, Boyer convinces his wife (Bergman) that she’s imagining things, most notably the occasional dimming of the house’s gas lights, as part of his plot to steal her deceased Aunt’s money and jewels. (The lights dim whenever he’s in the attic, searching for the treasure.) Over time, Bergman comes to believe her husband’s lies and, in turn, to question her sanity.
In today’s world, the plot of Gaslight seems pretty outlandish. Nevertheless, the concept of psychological abuse perpetrated by presenting false information and insisting those lies are true, thereby causing the victim to doubt his or her judgment, perception, memory, and even sanity, is relatively well-accepted in contemporary society—probably because gaslighting* routinely occurs in conjunction with serial sexual infidelity and various forms of addiction. Consider the words of Alexandria:
Darren was, and sometimes still is, the most charming guy on the planet. We met at a party at a mutual friend’s Manhattan penthouse. I was 25, Darren was 30. We’ve been dating for six years now, living together for five, and he keeps promising me we’ll get married and start a family, but that never quite happens. The last three or four years, even though we’re sharing an apartment, I almost never see him. He works in finance, and I know the hours are long, but sometimes I feel lonely and I try to call him but he doesn’t answer his phone, even when he’s gone all night or sometimes for an entire weekend. He doesn’t even respond to my texts, just to let me know he’s not dead.
When he finally does show up, he tells me that his job is really demanding and I should cut him some slack. He’ll tell me that he was working late on a really big deal and he fell asleep at his desk, or that he got called away to the country on short notice to meet with some hotshot client and didn’t have time to let me know about it before he left, and then there wasn’t cell service at the estate. And then he reminds me that he’s doing all of this for us, and that I really need to trust him because he loves me and would never do anything to hurt me, and if I really want to get married and have kids with him, then I have to stop acting crazy. And heaven forbid I accuse him of doing cocaine with his friends all night or sleeping with another woman. Then he calls me insecure and paranoid and all sorts of other things. The worst part is that after a year or two of this I decided he must be right, that I really am crazy.
Two weeks ago he was gone for four days, and when he got back, he insisted that he’d told me over breakfast he was going out of town on business. He said I was really groggy when he told me, so maybe it just slipped my mind. And I believed him! Then yesterday I went shopping a little bit after noon and I walked past a café that Darren and I both like. There he was, sitting at a table for two with another woman, kissing passionately. Last night after he fell asleep I went through his iPhone and found out he’s having affairs with at least three women! Now, instead of being mad, I feel nuttier than ever. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t think straight, and I have absolutely no idea what to do next.
Alexandria presents a classic case of modern-day gaslighting. Essentially, Darren wanted to continue with his illicit sexual behavior so he crafted a web of lies to justify, deny, and cover up his activity. And when Alexandria had the audacity to question those lies, he flipped the script, insisting his falsehoods were true and Alexandria was delusional or just making things up for some absurd reason. In this way, Alexandria was made to feel as if she was the problem, as if her emotional and psychological instability was the real issue.
That Could Never Happen To Me, Right?
To me, a therapist who’s worked with hundreds of lying spouses and addicts (and also their loved ones), the most disturbing thing about gaslighting is that even emotionally healthy people are vulnerable. In part, this is because we naturally tend to defend, excuse, and overlook concerns about the behavior of people to whom we are deeply attached. In larger part, it’s because gaslighting starts slowly and builds gradually over time. In the beginning, the lies are plausible, like, “I’m sorry I got home at midnight. I’m working on a very exciting project and I lost track of time.” An excuse like that sounds at least semi-reasonable to most people, and for a person who both loves and trusts the liar, it’s easily accepted. Over time, however, as the cheating or the addiction (or whatever else it is that the liar is trying to cover up) escalates, the fabrications also escalate. “I swear, I told you over breakfast that I was going away for four days. You must have forgotten.” Most people would toss a lie like that one out with the garbage, but because the gaslighted partner has become inured to these deceits over time, even the most outlandish mendacities can be accepted. So instead of questioning the liar, victims question themselves. In this respect gaslighting is like placing a frog in a pot of warm water that is then set to boil. Because the temperature increases only gradually, the innocent frog never even realizes it’s being cooked.
The Damage Done
Interestingly (and sadly), gaslighting behaviors are often more upsetting to the victim than whatever it is the perpetrator is attempting to conceal. This is true even with sexual infidelity, where betrayed spouses almost universally report that it’s not the extramarital sex that hurts the most; instead, it’s the destruction of relationship trust caused by the constant lying, deflecting, secret-keeping, and misplaced blame. And this pain is exacerbated if/when the innocent partner is made to feel as if he or she is misperceiving reality and therefore crazy, weak, damaged, etc. In other words, it’s not the cheating that wreaks the most emotional havoc, it’s the gaslighting—the ongoing denial of reality.
In this and numerous other respects gaslighting is consistent with other forms of betrayal trauma (typically defined as intentional acts of mistreatment, neglect, and abuse perpetrated by individuals in close relationship to the victim). Most of the time betrayal trauma is chronic in nature, occurring repeatedly and usually increasing in intensity over a long period of time, and gaslighting is no exception. Furthermore, betrayal trauma occurs in the context of a relationship that has other, much more positive elements, meaning the victim wants and sometimes even needs to overlook the mistreatment. In the example presented above, for instance, Alexandria’s intimate attachment to Darren left her vulnerable to gaslighting, because, in her mind, she wanted/needed his love (i.e., marriage and kids) more than she wanted/needed the truth.
Over time, gaslighting (and other forms of chronic betrayal trauma) can result in what is known as a “stress pileup,” leading to anxiety disorders, depression, shame, toxic self-image, and more. In one study examining the effects of serial infidelity occurring in the course of sexual addiction—behavior that is characteristically accompanied by gaslighting—researchers found that nearly all of the betrayed spouses studied experienced acute stress symptoms associated with Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, which is a very serious anxiety-related illness, sometimes with life-threatening consequences. Such is the abuse that cheaters, addicts, and other liars perpetrate on their spouses, families, and friends—all so they can continue their illicit behavior unabated.
What To Do When You’ve Been Lied To
If you’re in a similar situation to Alexandria—coldly and repeatedly lied to over a lengthy period by a loved one, to the point where you’ve begun to question your own motives and sanity—you are not alone. Knowing that you’re not the only one who’s ever experienced this probably won’t lessen your pain, but it may help to ease the deep sense of shame you are likely feeling. The simple truth is that succumbing to gaslighting does not mean that you are crazy, or weak-willed, or paranoid, or so desperate for love and affection that you’ll overlook a partner’s abusive behavior no matter how bad that abuse becomes. It merely means you are human, you risked vulnerability in the hope of healthy intimate connection, and you got burned. Unfortunately, getting burned in this way can cause quite a lot of damage, and you’ll probably need outside help and support to overcome it.
After reading the previous sentence, it’s possible you’re thinking, “It wasn’t me who misbehaved, so why am I the one that’s supposed to get help?” For people who’ve experienced gaslighting and other forms of chronic betrayal trauma, this is a perfectly understandable reaction. Nevertheless, you need to recognize the injury that’s been done, to process your feelings about that harm, and to learn (or re-learn) life and relationship skills that can help you avoid a repeat performance with your next intimate partner. And the entirety of this recovery process requires interaction with empathetic others, preferably people who understand the nature of gaslighting and how to best deal with its debilitating effects.
This sort of healing is usually best undertaken with a skilled therapist—sometimes you’ll need both individual treatment and trauma-focused group sessions—coupled with external support in self-help groups like Al-Anon and CoDA. The good news is that if you are committed to living honestly and rebuilding your personal integrity and sense of self, you can emerge from a gaslighting experience wiser, stronger, and willing to once again risk vulnerability in the name of love and intimate connection.
*The concept of gaslighting as a modern diagnosis has evolved from the clinical work of Omar Minwalla, Jerry Goodman, and Sylvia Jackson.
Robert Weiss LCSW, CSAT-S is Senior Vice President of Clinical Development with Elements Behavioral Health.
Am I Married To A Compulsive Liar? Treatment For Families And Couples
By: Corrina Horne
Updated December 17, 2020
Medically Reviewed By: Karen Devlin, LPC
Trust is a multilayered thing and is usually not offered until someone has earned it. Earning trust is usually a matter of time, experience, and shared intimacy, and usually comes after two people have been together for months or years. What happens, though, when the person you have been with for years turns out to not have been trustworthy? What if they are chronic liars, or find it difficult to tell the truth? Could they have mental health issues that may be affecting your family members?
What Is Compulsive Lying?
How Can I Tell If My Spouse Is A Compulsive Liar?
Learn The Signs – Talk To A Licensed Mental Health Professional Online Today. This website is owned and operated by BetterHelp, who receives all fees associated with the platform.
Compulsive lying is a state characterized by excessive lies, usually without a clear motive or purpose. Although most lies are delivered to gain something, passive aggression, compulsive or pathological liars seem to lie purely for the practice itself. Although compulsive lying is not recognized as a distinct condition by mental health professionals, it can be considered a symptom of other conditions, including personality and mood disorders. Should this be the cause, you should find a therapist or find a psychiatrist. Mental health issues are serious for the people who are dealing with the condition, as well as the family members impacted by the behaviors of the offender. You should find a support group to manage your feelings and chronic pain caused by the chronic liar in your life.
Compulsive lying typically begins in childhood or adolescence, but how it presents can differ. It can also begin in young adults. Some compulsive liars are masters of deception and can get away with seeming as though everything they say is golden and wholly without flaw, while others are known liars, and have reputations that follow them wherever they go. Still, others possess some characteristics of each, where people are never quite certain what information they present is true and what is categorically false.
Compulsive lying is often seen as intentional, willful behavior, but just as its name suggests, lying is an impulse that is difficult to control. This is part of what makes pathological lying so interesting and difficult to nail down; the lies are not used to gain something, get out of trouble, or further a need. Instead, the lies are often mundane, needless, and even bizarre. Although someone might lie on a resume in order to get their dream job, a pathological liar might habitually lie about where they are, despite not committing any misdeed, or may say something like, “Oh, I’m visiting my aunt,” while they are sitting at home in bed, knitting a sweater. There is neither rhyme nor reason for pathological lying, and it can feel as frustrating to the perpetrator as it is to their family, close friends, and coworkers.
How Is Compulsive Lying Treated?
Because compulsive lying is not a condition in and of itself, there is no dedicated therapeutic modality for treatment, but therapists can treat the underlying causes of compulsive lying. Compulsive lying can be a manifestation of a personality disorder, such as Antisocial Personality Disorder, or Borderline Personality Disorder, but can also be a symptom of a mood disorder, such as an anxiety, depressive, or bipolar disorder. Treating the conditions themselves can help relieve symptoms like compulsive lying.
Psychology today says that compulsive lying can be treated without the presence of another diagnosis, too, primarily by focusing on the truths behind the lies. If your lies continually focus on yourself and the accomplishments you’ve completed, for instance, a therapist can help you develop strategies to improve self-esteem. If your lies regularly seem to provide more material comforts, your therapist might be able to help you create more effective coping tools and strategies to get what you want from your family life. If you can find a support group to couple with your psychiatric treatment, you will be on your way to a happier outlook on life.
Compulsive lying treatment might also focus on physical forms of treatment, to heal any physical or physiological reasons for the behavior. This can mean checking for any brain abnormalities, or even checking for chronic pain or nerve damage, to ascertain whether or not there are physical reasons for the onset of pathological behavior. Find a treatment center early and get intervention via psychology today.
What Is Marriage To A Compulsive Liar Like?
How Can I Tell If My Spouse Is A Compulsive Liar?
Learn The Signs – Talk To A Licensed Mental Health Professional Online Today.
Marriage can be difficult if your wife or husband is a compulsive liar. Trust can be difficult to build and maintain when your partner consistently lies and trying to build up a permanent relationship while knowing that your partner has mental health issues and lies regularly can be difficult, if not impossible. It can become a big deal, create chronic pain within your heart, passive aggression towards your partner, and other potential health problem or problems. Psychology today says that compulsive liars might keep their lies to a minimum during the dating and honeymoon phases, before allowing them to creep back to the surface, or they might continually lie until you discover some of their inconsistencies, yourself. People find that living with a person that has compulsive lying tendencies feel deceived as though the use of mask was your relationship foundation.
Because marriage requires an ongoing level of security and trust, being married to a compulsive liar can feel like an exercise in futility. As lies continue to come from your partner’s mouth, you might feel like you are growing increasingly angry, resentful, and confused, not having initially known about your spouse’s condition.
Compulsive lying within a marriage can also feel like madness; never knowing which way is up or down. Never quite knowing whether or not your spouse is honest can make even the most solid mental state begins to deteriorate, particularly when it is someone so close to you, and with whom you are so enmeshed, lying to you (and everyone else).
How Can The Family Of A Compulsive Liar Seek Treatment?
As is often the case, the first step in seeking treatment is acknowledging that a problem exists at all. This can be difficult; some people who lie compulsively do so at such a fast rate, that it is almost difficult to acknowledge that they are lying. Compulsive lying usually begins in childhood, which means that it is likely a years-long habit that may have become thoroughly ingrained in your spouse’s personality and psyche. The best thing to do is find a therapist, find a psychiatrist, find a support group, and/or find a treatment center to achieve a happier outlook on life. People find that in psychology today, mental health is imperative. However when you find a therapist or find a psychiatrist that specializes in compulsive lying patients, life make us healthier when we can live peacefully. People find there is hope, certainly, but it can take time, effort, and tremendous patience on the part of both the liar and the liar’s family. A commitment to growth goal setting happiness does improve and will ultimately improve your family life.
From there, the compulsive liar should seek independent treatment. While a support group is good in psychology today for the family members, the patient should find a therapist or find a treatment center for mental health treatment. Although family therapy is possible-and is likely to be a good idea-the first step in healing a family from the difficulties associated with pathological behavior is to temper the behavior itself. Pathological lying can be treated, and the spouse struggling with the behavior should be given the space to work on his or her condition first, before bringing the family and the additional stress of another therapy into the equation.
Once the compulsively lying spouse has entered therapy and has seen improvement, the entire family can seek professional help and intervention to improve the family’s dynamic and restore relationships that were damaged by the constancy of the spouse’s lies. This can be grueling work, as there are likely to be resentments and immense pain simmering on every side, so giving everyone compassion as you work through your issues is paramount. Some family therapy sessions can even seem to worsen the problem, initially, as family members air their grievances with one another. Find a therapist that suites your specific mental health needs. Ideally, growth goal setting happiness tactics will remove any masks was your relationship.
With time, though, and a willingness to heal and move forward, families can learn more effective patterns of communication, how to heal their pain, and how to let go of the need to be in the driver’s seat. They can find within happiness positive psychology systems. Just as the family members and friends of people struggling with addiction are urged to take a step back and acknowledge that they cannot force their loved on to get help or leave addiction behind, people who are close to a pathological liar are often helped by realizing that they cannot control the behavior of a compulsive liar and are allowed to create some distance.
If your wife of husband is a compulsive liar, you may feel lonely or have thoughts like “I feel like I don’t trust him” or “I can’t do this”. Marriage to a compulsive liar is difficult to deal with, but there are others who have been in similar situations. In psychology today, it is recommended that you utilize a support group. At a support group, you can meet people who share your experiences. You can also build a network of family and friends to help you cope.
Often happiness positive psychology in our life make us healthier. Find a therapist in psychology today to guide you through this process.
Because the exact cause of pathological lying is unknown, outcomes vary from person to person.It is important to find a therapist, first and foremost. One study found that pathological lying might possess a physiological cause, as more people who struggled with the behavior had slightly below-average IQs, and had previously (or currently) suffered from some form of trauma, such as a blow to the head, epilepsy, adhd anxiety, and other brain injuries and conditions. In these cases, treating the physical source of the problem could alleviate some of the behavior.
Aside from physical intervention, though, one of the most telling factors into whether or not someone recovers from compulsive lying in the presence of sorrow and the desire to improve. Because compulsive lying is a form of self-sabotage and usually culminates in self-destruction, many people come to therapy for their condition when they feel as though they are at the end of their rope, and want some relief from their compulsive behavior. Coming to therapy this way, versus coming to therapy at the mandate of a spouse or other family member, is likely to yield more stable, long-term results.
Are You Married To A Compulsive Liar?
If your spouse continually seems to lie, without a reason or a motive, you may be married to a compulsive liar. Lies can be large (“I went to work today. It was a grueling one. I really saved the company, honey.”) or they can be small (“Oh, I ate the last can of tuna.”), but the overarching theme is that lies are needless, pointless, and constant. Compulsive lying usually begins before adulthood, and you may have suspected your spouse of lying for some time, though most people who struggle with this behavior deny having any compulsion. Instead, many compulsive liars insist that everything is fine, and might even insist that you are making things up.
Nevertheless, there are treatment options for both pathological liars and their families. Because this condition can quickly erode the trust people have in one another, therapeutic intervention is often needed for the entire family, to build healthier, stronger family dynamics, improve communication, and create lasting bonds. With help, though, many people can overcome (or at least significantly temper) their predilection toward compulsive lying, to lead healthier, more satisfying lives.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
What do you do when your husband is a compulsive liar?
Marriage to a compulsive liar is incredibly taxing on your mental health, but there are ways that you can help yourself and your family life. If your husband is a compulsive liar, the first step is to confront him. He must acknowledge it in order to begin the process of recovery. Your husband should seek independent treatment to improve his own mental health conditions and discover the root cause of his compulsive lying. You can also go to couples’ therapy to work on rebuilding trust.
How can I tell if my husband is a pathological liar?
If your husband is a compulsive liar, you may notice that he tells a variety of different lies. They can be mundane and inconsequential, or they may have a large impact on his life and yours. You can also learn the signs of lying and become comfortable with confronting your husband when you suspect he is being deceptive. People who suffer from mental health problems are at higher risk for compulsive lying; if he is currently experiencing one of these and lies often, it is possible that your husband is a compulsive liar.
Can you date a compulsive liar?
Dating a compulsive liar can be emotionally taxing, as you will never be sure if your partner is telling the truth according to the leaders in psychology today. Because the lying is compulsive, you partner may be frustrated and upset with themselves, and their habit of lying may have started because of a physical or emotional trauma. However, if your partner is willing to work on themselves, find a therapist and end their compulsive liar, then it is possible to have a healthy, happy relationship.
Can a compulsive liar be cured?
Compulsive liars can go to therapy in order to treat the underlying cause of their compulsive lying. Often, compulsive lying is a symptom of neurological disorders, such as Antisocial Personality Disorder, adhd anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, anxiety, depression, or bipolar disorder. It can also be a years-long habit, starting in children or young adults. Therapy can also help the compulsive liar build self-esteem and coping strategies. Compulsive lying can also be a symptom of a physical injury or illness. If you notice compulsive lying in your partner after a traumatic accident or illness, then you may want to consider checking for brain abnormalities.
How do you trust a compulsive liar?
Telling lies is not conducive to trust. It is difficult to trust a compulsive liar because they have shown a pattern of unreliable behavior. If they are attempting to correct their compulsive lying, then trust will slowly build overtime. Remember, changing years of habitual lying will be difficult, and your partner will make mistakes. Eventually, you will learn to trust your partner if they truly commit to improving themselves. If the compulsive liar does not want to change, or refuses to acknowledge that they have a problem, then it is not possible to trust them.
Can habitual liars change?
Changing any habit is difficult, and for compulsive liars, they may use this habit for comfort or in response to a previous trauma. This makes compulsive lying even more challenging to change; however, it can be done with hard work and commitment. Compulsive liars can go to therapy in order to treat the underlying cause of their compulsive lying. Often, compulsive lying is a symptom of mental health, neurological disorders or similar issues, such as Antisocial Personality Disorder, adhd anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, anxiety, depression, or bipolar disorder. In psychology today, therapy can also help the compulsive liar build self-esteem and coping strategies, so it is important to find a therapist who you feel comfortable with and working towards growth goal setting happiness positive psychology.
What are the 5 signs that someone is lying?
- The first sign when people lie is some sort of physical gesture, such as touching the throat, neck, and mouth. This is especially telling when the person does not typically engage in expressive body language.
- Secondly, the liar may repeat themselves or stammer as they try to think of what to say. This may also cause them to pause before they speak. Turning towards the door can also be a subconscious indication of dishonesty, as most people find lying uncomfortable and would prefer to leave the conversation.
- They pause before thinking. They may need a moment to consider their answer, whereas telling the truth is more automatic.
- They might look at the door or look at their watch, or otherwise signal that they are done with the conversation or they want the conversation to be over.
- Finally, not blinking or overzealous eye contact can be a sign of lying because the individual may overcompensate for their nervousness.
How do you get the truth out of a liar?
You are more likely to be told the truth when you approach the liar in a one on one setting. It is important to not act accusatory, as this will put the liar on defense, and they may tell more lies. Directly ask them if they lied to you. A direct question provides less of a chance for them to change the subject. You should also imply that you know the truth, and now the two of you must work together to address the problem.
The Two Types of Liars
The ability to build a healthy relationship is based on the degree to which you are able to be clear and honest about everything, especially in a dating situation. Sometimes, people will deceive each other about the nature of other people in their lives. They may act like someone is “just a friend,” when in reality there is more of a history or more in the present than is being said.
For example, I (Dr. Cloud) was working with a man named Frank who was trying to figure out his relationship with the woman he was dating. He had a funny feeling that something was wrong. It seemed that she was just a little too connected to her work. Frank had no problem with her loving her job, but there was something strange about her relationship with her boss. He did not think that she was dating him, or having any kind of illicit thing going on with him. But, he still got a funny feeling about her work and her connection with her boss.
Finally, Frank found out that his girlfriend had once been engaged to her boss. And, there was still some sort of continuing tie between them. But, as far as he had known, it was strictly a work relationship. Instead, she had been lying to him.
Frank felt horribly deceived, and from there the relationship went downhill. It did not falter because she worked with a former boyfriend, but because she had not been clear about the nature of her former relationship with her boss. Frank could sense some sort of tie that she was not owning up to. Later, when some other issues came up where she had not been clear with him, the relationship died. If she had not been deceptive about the former boyfriend, the later issues would not have been a big deal. But, once a pattern of lying starts, trust is difficult to reestablish.
Why do people lie, and how can you set appropriate boundaries? In our opinion, there are really two types of liars:
Liar Type 1:
There are liars who lie out of shame, guilt, fear of conflict or loss of love, and other fears. They are the ones who lie when it would be a lot easier to tell the truth. They want to be honest, but for one reason or another, cannot quite pull it off. They fear the other person’s anger or loss of love.
Liar Type 2:
There are liars who lie as a way of operating and deceive others for their own selfish ends. There is no fear or defensiveness involved, just plain old lying for love of self.
You will have to ask yourself if you want to take the risk and do the work if you are with the first type. There are people in the first category who have never had a relationship where they felt safe enough to be honest, and they tend to still be hiding. So, they lie to preserve love, or preserve the relationship, or avoid being caught in something because of guilt or shame. They are not really dangerous, evil characters, and sometimes when they find someone safe, they learn to tell the truth. This is a risk that some people want to take after finding out that deception has occurred. They hope that the person will be redeemed by the grace and love that they offer and will shoot straight with them from then on.
While we would not automatically recommend continuing a dating relationship with this kind of person, sometimes there is a good outcome. So, we do not want to make a rigid rule. But, our feeling is that dating is not a place for you to rehabilitate people. Rehabilitation should occur in that person’s counseling, recovery, discipleship, or some other context. For one thing, dating can become serious when your heart gets involved, and it may even lead to marriage.
Just because the person is lying out of fear does not make it acceptable, and serious devastation can occur even with fearful liars. No matter what the reason, lying destroys. By and large, the best policy is to stay away from those who lie for any reason.
Spend your time and heart on honest people. It is often too risky, from our perspective, to get involved with the fearful liar. If the person gets better and comes back repentant, that is one thing. But, you should not think that you are going to be the one who changes him or her if defensive lying is an ongoing pattern. There are some people who do this on occasion and confess it, and probably can be trusted over the long haul. But, patterns of this type are problematic. Whatever you decide to do, whether you stick in there or not, make sure that you do not go further until the lying issue is forever and certainly in the past. Remember the words of the wise instructor: Do not go on to other issues until the lying is solved.
The second kind of liar is a definite no-go. Tell him or her good-bye and save yourself a lot of heartache. Perpetual liars are not ready for a relationship, no matter how much you are attracted to him or her. Run, run, run!
A footnote: After Frank ended the relationship with his girlfriend, she soon was back with her former boyfriend (and boss). I told my client I thought he was lucky to have escaped her.
For more helpful advice to build the best dating relationship and find the love of your life, read Boundaries in Dating.
➡️ FREE! Get The 10 Laws of Boundaries eBook when you subscribe to the Boundaries Weekly email newsletter. Learn More
Are You Married To A Liar?
Do you or your spouse lie?
We wanted to bring this conversation up to help us all confront the issue that our flesh and our enemy tempts us to lie. But God calls us to a higher standard. In fact, He commands us not to lie. In this episode we navigate God’s Word on this topic and we discuss our marriage and lying. Yes, we have lied to each other, and in ways I never thought were that bad, but lying is lying.
You can watch this episode, you can listen to it, or you can read it, all right here, whichever you prefer! No matter what be sure to subscribe!
– Hey, we’re Aaron and Jennifer Smith with Marriage After God.
– Helping you cultivate an extraordinary marriage.
– And today we got a question for you. Are you a liar? Hey, thanks for joining us. As always, we want to invite you to subscribe to our channel so you get notified every time we upload a new episode.
– We’d also love to hear from you in the comments and also we know that you guys have married friends, so be sure to share this with them. So this week, we thought it’d be important to pose a question, are you a liar because sometimes, I don’t know if you guys can relate, maybe you don’t think you’re a liar, maybe you don’t think you struggle with being a liar or lying and so we thought hey, let’s pose this as a question and just put the the idea out there to consider whether or not you struggle with lying.
– Yeah, because there’s things in our life that we lie about and we don’t see them as lies. We see them as fudges of the truth, or white lies, or all these other ways we want to say it. Another thing we do is we say oh, I don’t want to hurt my spouse so I’m just not gonna tell them the full truth. And you know what, the Bible is very clear about lying. We know that in the Ten Commandments, which is the first place I think of when I think of the word lie, you know, God’s moral law tells us not to lie or to bear false witness. And so we just thought that we’d present the idea, the question that you guys could use this episode to discuss in your own marriage if there’s areas that you lie about. Even in the little things, God does not like lying. He hates it. The Bible actually tells us that liars will not inherit the kingdom of heaven. It talks about all these other things that are not gonna be a part of that, and so He desires His children, us, especially marriages that are chasing after Him and are desiring to do ministry for Him, to evaluate ourselves and ask ourselves are we liars and is there any areas of our life that we lie in that we can, you know, ask for forgiveness in and actually ask God to change us in. And so we’re gonna talk about it today. We’re gonna bring up some Scripture and we’re gonna talk about how we’ve struggled with it in the past and currently, you know, get tempted with it every, single day. And so, why don’t you start off and you can, you know, introduce some of the things that we’re gonna talk about today?
– Well, first off, you mentioned it’s one of the commandments and it’s in Exodus 20. And, you know, we teach our children about the Ten Commandments and one of them is not to lie, and so why don’t you just read that verse real quick and we’ll talk about it?
– Yeah, so it’s in, the first place that the Ten Commandments shows up is in Exodus chapter 20. So if you don’t know that, memorize it. Exodus chapter 20. It’s where the Ten Commandments get first presented to the people of Israel.
– And don’t just listen to us read the Scripture. We want you guys to get your Bibles out. We want you looking in the Scriptures and reading them for yourselves.
– Yeah, so it’s in chapter 20 verse 16. It says you shall not bear false witness against your neighbor. And so that word neighbor is a good word, if you want to talk about that for a second.
– Well, I mean, we’ve shared it in other episodes before but it’s just this idea that your closest neighbor is your spouse. Okay? Your children are your neighbors. Your neighbor’s your neighbor. Strangers are your neighbors.
– Everybody in your proximity and who you interact with and engage with are your neighbors.
– Yeah, and so since, as we always say, your spouse is your closest neighbor, the things that the Bible teaches us about how we should be to outsiders or to the world, our spouse should be getting that first, and as and as well as everyone else. And so, am I bearing false witness against you? Am i presenting untruths, falsities, lies to you in any part of my life? You know, it could be a white lie, it could be, you know–
– Omitting the truth.
– Yeah, omitting the truth, which is also lying.
– You only tell part of it, just enough to get you by and get that guilt off your chest, but it’s not actually full.
– And the Bible, this isn’t the only place it talks about it. It talks about all over the place. God clearly hates lying because God is the God of truth, so lying is the opposite of that, and that’s why we thought this was important to talk about. You know, so the ten commands we teach our kids, so anytime, you know, one of our children lies–
– Which happens.
– Which happens because it’s in our flesh. It’s natural to protect ourselves, to hide from the truth.
– They’re tempted in ways just like we are.
– Yeah, exactly the same ways and in many more ways as well because they’re just so young and fresh.
– So as parents we want to help cultivate a heart of truth in them. We want them to be able to speak the truth and walk in integrity. I think when we teach them these things, especially not lying, it forces us to consider whether or not we are actually walking in that truth.
– Because we don’t want to be hypocrites.
– You know, and so when it, when it comes up that we use the opportunity to say hey, you know, the ninth commandment, it says do not lie, you know. And are you lying? And then, so instead of it just being our voices of reminding of telling him why they shouldn’t lie–
– We’re supporting it with Scripture.
– Yeah the Scriptures, the Bible, God’s Word is telling our children why and how they should be. And so we bring these Scriptures up a lot. We’re like hey, you know, what’s the ninth commandment? Do you not lie. You know, what’s the fifth commandment? Honor your mother and father. So we bring these up often. So we just want to start with God’s moral law. He just he says it right, very in the beginning of the Bible, don’t lie. Don’t be a liar. And so we wanna, you know, it’s easy for us to think, like, well of course I don’t lie. Like, I’m not gonna, I don’t do big lies, I don’t say. But like, what are some of, like, the little things that we do that’s lying? It’s bearing false witness that we don’t even, we might not even be thinking about. Maybe they’re, they don’t even realize they do.
– Um, well, I don’t know. I can’t speak for them, but I know for me that something happened recently with us that I felt really guilty about and had to confess and let you know that I repented of this specific thing. So, you were getting frustrated with the kids because they weren’t brushing their teeth. They were kind of chomping on the toothbrush, playing with it like swords and, like, just not focused on brushing.
– Yeah, all the bristles are like.
– Which I think kids do, but–
– And we were getting ready to go somewhere and so you were in the bathroom with them, and I’m usually the one that is with them in the mornings getting them ready for their day, doing that whole routine.
– Cause I’m gone.
– And you made a comment from the bathroom and you said, “Have you been teaching the kids “how to brush their teeth?” because you were getting so frustrated at them not doing any sort of brushing of the teeth.
– It was almost as if they’d never done it before.
– Yes, yeah.
– But they do it every day.
– Yeah. And so I came out even more frustrated because I felt like this is an attack on my motherhood. Like I, of course I’m teaching the kids that I’m, they need to brush their teeth and how to do it right. And so I said yes and I went further to explain–
– Of course I do. I do it every day.
– How I teach them. And I lied. I exaggerated what was true to make myself feel and look better. And because I was embarrassed that they were having a hard time and and I thought–
– Well, also frustrated I even brought it up.
– Yeah, yeah. And so I don’t know if it was that same day or maybe the next day, but it was just–
– Actually I feel like it was a like a couple days later after like a, like, something happened that triggered in you.
– Yeah, well, it had been on my heart ever since the moment it came out of my mouth. I was just, I was really upset about it because I don’t usually lie. So when it does come up, I recognized it right away. And so I remember finally getting the courage to tell you hey, I need to talk to you. And I was so embarrassed because now that I’ve told the truth trying to exaggerate who I am as a person and what I do on a regular basis, I had to confront that that, that that wasn’t true too. And so I remember telling you, like, when I told you that the kids are learning how to brush their teeth I lied and that although I do teach them, I don’t teach them every single day and sometimes we’re rushing out of the house–
– It’s been a consistency issue.
– And I just quickly put toothpaste on the toothbrush, hand it to them, and kind of like do this quick, get-it-over-with-thing.
– And had I been more intentional with the kids, they would be brushing their teeth better. But I repented and I told you that I was sorry not just for lying about it, but also for not spending that intentional time to teach the kids because that is part of my job and part of the routine that I’m supposed to be having with them. And so, that was really, really recent and I don’t even remember why, like, that that temptation came and I did it and it was really–
– Well it’s, and I forgave you of course.
– And I wasn’t even mad about it because, you know, little things like that happen and over the years we’ve gotten better at being honest and open with each other. And I’m not immune to this. An example of me is, and this has happened several times in the past, and the husbands listening might agree with this. You know, I tell you I’m gonna be home at a certain time, like, I’m spending time with friends or I’m doing this, you know, a project, or I’m out and about, and I leave a little late, later than I said I was and I’m, or I forgot or I lost track of time. And so you would call me and I’d be like, oh, I’m right around the corner.
– And I’m just, like, just leaving.
– Yeah, and you’re racing home.
– And I’m not right around the corner and I’m speeding.
– Well, what is right around the corner?
– That’s how you justify it right? You’re like, I am on my way home.
– I could be like, I am on my way home, but in reality, the truth was I was late, and I did not pay attention, and I was I was unfaithful to my word, and I lied about where I was and how soon I was gonna be home. And the reason we do it is, like, in our flesh, you know, when I mentioned the toothbrush thing, your flesh immediately is like, oh, this is something that’s gonna hurt me.
– Like I feel like you need to defend it.
– I have to protect myself.
– But it always is because of something that we had already decided to do earlier, some sort of, you know, negligence or sin. And that’s where the temptation comes from. And they don’t have to be big things, but the thing is is that the Holy Spirit doesn’t desire us to have any of that in us. And God’s heart is that we would be people of truth and light. And those things, those little lies, it’s darkness, it’s separation, it’s not being honest, it’s not being open, it’s not being light. And if we are in a habit of those little lies, which is often, like, we don’t have to just jump to like, boom, big lie like we’re hiding a second family or something, Like, we don’t jump to big things like that. It starts with all of the little, you know, I get comfortable with my wife not knowing the full truth of things, you know. And that’s the danger for us. And that’s what, you know, our Savior wants to save us from is us being okay with all those little things.
– Can you speak a little bit as to why lying affects marriage or how, like, what are the different ways?
– Well, like we’ve mentioned in many episodes is it’s immediately darkness. It’s not being fully forthright. It’s hiding because we usually lie to protect ourselves. Our flesh is somehow gonna be harmed by this, so we lie, we tell, we say things that protect us. Other things that it does is we lie when we want to get our way. And so it’s manipulative. Let’s say I, you know, I want your attention or I want affirmation, or I want something from you and I lie to get it, and I manipulate you with my words and my untruthfulness. And what that does is that turns us from a oneness, and a team, and a loving relationship to a lording it over, as Paul tells us not to do, and a manipulation, and I’m controlling you with my words.
– And the other person feels that. Like, they can usually sense, you know, they have this–
– Sense in their heart that, you know, they’re either being lied to or something’s not quite right even though they don’t, they may not know what–
– Yeah and sometimes you don’t recognize it. But all that’s doing is is making the relationship fragile and cracked because we are allowing that darkness in. And you know what it does? It gives a foothold to the devil.
– Oh, totally.
– And we have an enemy, and he hates us, and he’s gonna use whatever he can, and he’s gonna use our own desires, and our own passions, and our own sin to dismantle the ministry that God’s given us, which is each other.
– Right, which is what I was gonna speak a little bit to. What I’ve noticed from lies coming up in our marriage is that it breaks that unity and trust. Like, it really tears down my ability to trust you, your ability to trust me. And that’s when doubt pops up and insecurities and it gets really hard to move forward, especially in any sort of mission to, or ministry to serve God when we are not on the same page or we are not close or we’re not being intimate because of lies.
– And it it if we’re lying in our marriage, what’s gonna stop us from lying outside of our marriage to someone we’re witnessing to, someone that we’re sharing the gospel with, someone that is in relationship with us in our church and fellowship? And they ask you, like, oh how you doing and you’re having a rough day and you’re angry, and bitter, and frustrated, and you say I’m great.
– That’s lying.
– Yeah that’s a good example.
– Or you’re, you know, you meet someone that you don’t really have a close relationship with but they are genuinely curious about how you are and you want to avoid having a conversation. So you’re like, I’m great, man, good. Versus actually, you know, I could use prayer because of this. And so we end up lying to people outside our marriage because it’s so easy inside of our marriage. And so that’s why we wanted to talk about this. And I want you guys to ask yourselves and evaluate yourselves and look inside and say, like, is this something I have a habit of doing even in the little things?
– That’s good.
– You know, because it’s just it’s darkness and it’s not how God created us to be.
– Yeah. So, one of the Scriptures we wanted to read today is Ephesians 4:25. It says therefore having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members of one another. And I love this verse. I felt like it speaks especially to this example you gave of are you lying to your community. You know, when people ask you how are you doing, are you lying to your neighbor? Are you lying to the body that is supposed to be united as one? Because lying will destroy that. It will–
– Well, it absolutely doesn’t cultivate unity.
– No way.
– It actually makes it feel much more fractured and impossible to have real relationships. And we’ve all experienced this. You have a relationship, you’re like, man, I just don’t know. Maybe I don’t think they’re lying to us, but we don’t ever know the full truth. You’re like, I don’t know where they’re at. They say they’re great every single time I see him. But I see these posts online and it’s just what see looks different than what I hear, you know.
– Another thing you said was we lie to try and protect ourselves and what I’ve noticed about lying is because you’re trying to protect yourself, when something else arises that contradicts that lie, you have to lie again just to protect yourself again.
– All these Band-Aids.
– Yeah, it’s really terrible.
– And you know, I was just thinking about this and in relationship with other Christians how many times have you told someone hey I’m gonna pray for you.
– And you don’t.
– And you don’t pray for him?
– I’m guilty of that. I’ve done that before.
– We all do it. And maybe we forgot. Maybe, but what it is, is it’s the intention of our heart was never to pray for them, you know. We desire to and we wish we were that kind of person, but we say hey, you know, I’m, oh yeah pray for you. Sweet. And you walk away, you go about your day. With this specifically praying that for people I’ve gotten, I’ve tried getting in the habit, because I would do this; I would say oh, I’m gonna pray for you I leave and then I’m like I never prayed for that person one time, praying right away.
– Okay I was just gonna say that exact same thing. I was gonna interrupt you to tell you.
– Tell me an example.
– Well I just have, you know, girlfriends that will be sharing where they’re at and even if they’re just over, you know, to hang out in the backyard the kids are playing and I’ll have to be intentional to stop and say hey, let me pray for you. Otherwise it slips my mind or, you know–
– It’s gone.
– We get busy. And it’s not that I’m trying to be just deceptive in that I want, I do want to pray for them, but unless I make a habit of praying for them right away, I do forget. And we also have, you know, a text message string with all the women in the fellowship. And when somebody puts out a prayer request, if I say I’m gonna be praying for them, I have to stop and pray for them right away, otherwise I do feel like I’m not walking with integrity.
– So the, you know, it’s not necessarily that we’re trying to lie when we say we’re gonna pray for someone and we don’t, but it’s not having the mind and our heart in that place. You know, in Matthew, Jesus says this in Matthew 5:37. He says let what you say be simply yes or no; anything more than this comes from evil or from the devil. And so this is the idea of, like, is our, do we care what our words are? Do we think about our words and say, like, oh, my words matter?
– You know, as it tells us in James that our tongue is like a flame that could set an entire forest on fire or it’s a rudder they can turn a large ship. Like, it’s so powerful. Do we care what our words are, you know?
– I feel like this also speaks to the commitments we make which are followed by action. So you gave the example of, you know, I’m right around the corner because you committed to being home at a certain time and then you fail to do that, and so when I think about this, like, let your yes be yes and your no be your no, you you have to know yourself, and know your capabilities, and know your commitments and follow through with them. That’s being integrity. That’s being a man of your word or a woman of your word.
– Well and where the lying comes in or the truth-telling, when you fail, when you mess up, or when you’re, you know, when you can’t fulfill the commitment or what you’re trying to, you know, that you agreed to doing, you tell the truth. And you own up to it. That’s the idea of owning, like, oh, you know what, I said I was gonna be, I’m, I didn’t, I wasn’t, I’m very sorry, and I just, I, next time I’m gonna be much more careful, next time I’m gonna leave earlier, next time I’ll let you know if something changes, and so that my wife knows where I’m at in my heart.
– And I can trust that–
– And that you can trust my words. Our words matter. Our words are the intentions of our heart. It says out of the overflow of your heart the mouth speaks. So if you’re telling lies, even if they’re little ones, that’s what’s in your heart. You’re storing up lies in your heart of, like, I’m not gonna tell the truth. My wife’s never gonna know the full truth. I’m not gonna tell her this, you know, the things that I want to hide from her because I like to hold on to them. And then on the other hand, like, my relationships with others, I’m not going to tell the full truth to them because I don’t actually really want them to know me fully. That’s just not what God desires for us. And you know what? There’s there’s two contrasts we want to look at here and the first one is gonna be in John chapter eight. So John 8:44 says this: You are of your father the devil and your will is to do your father’s desires. He was a murderer from the beginning and he does not stand in truth because there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks out of his own character, for he is a liar and the father of lies. Okay, that’s a heavy Scripture, right? And he’s talking to the Pharisees about this, but we gotta ask ourselves, like, are we liars. Because if we’re liars, who are we acting like? We’re acting like the devil. He’s not our Father. We don’t want him to be our father. We have a father. Okay?
– But if we’re walking out our days lying, then we are reflecting his image.
– And we don’t want that. We have an image. And so would you read the contrast to this?
– Yeah, it’s in Colossians three, nine through 10 Do not lie to one another seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices and have put on the new self which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator.
– Whose creator? Our Creator. Who’s the creator? God is. So whose image do we want to be in?
– We want to be in God’s image.
– That’s Who we’re created in and that’s also Who saved us and Who’s regenerating us through knowledge. And you’re getting a knowledge right now, so do you, you know, take this and just leave it and say well, no, those little things are not big deals? Or, actually, I want to present these things to the Lord and ask Him to transform those areas of my life? I want to be a truth teller. I want to be light not darkness. I want to represent my Father in Heaven not the father of lies.
– What I also like about this verse is that it gives you that imagery of the old self and new self. And when we are walking with God, we are a new creation. And so, we just want to encourage you today if you have, if you’re looking at your life and you’re like, man, I’ve been a liar, I’ve been lying to my spouse, or I’ve been lying to my community, or if you just, even if they’re just small lies and you’re recognizing that, that can be your old self. Walk in the light of Christ. Walk in the knowledge that God has given us through his Scripture and be renewed, just like you’re talking about.
– Yeah, He’s renewing you every day and this is what we get to walk out as as Christians. You know, the Bible tells us to work out our salvation.
– You know, we have a salvation. God freely gave it to us by us believing on His Son Jesus. But He also gave us His Holy Spirit to transform us. And it says in first, it says in Romans that He’s giving life to our mortal bodies. And that’s amazing. So we just want to encourage you, like, we don’t need to be liars. We’re not slave to the old self anymore. We’re not slave to sin anymore.
– I know. It doesn’t mean that the temptation won’t come because it does come–
– All the time. But it’s a matter of walking in integrity and is telling your flesh no, I’m not gonna do that. And if you’re watching this right now and you feel like you need to confess, the Holy Spirit will guide you in that way. And if He does, I just want to speak to the spouse receiving that kind of confession. Be graceful. Be forgiving. Be someone who’s gonna uphold them with accountability, and love, and support because that is how we’ve experienced a, just, renewing in our marriage of trust building, of love, of connectedness, and oneness being restored. Because you can’t have one confessing and one not forgiving. It just doesn’t work that way. And so we just also want to be an encouragement to you to make sure that you guys are walking this out together and that you’re encouraging one another.
– Yeah, and it’s just good for us to be evaluating ourselves always. This is not a works mentality. This is not anything like that. This is purely learning to walk in the truth that the Word of God has given us and the power that the Holy Spirit’s given us. And that’s what the good news is. The good news is that he didn’t leave us dead. You know, we were dead bones before, and now, and then He’s regenerated us and made us new and given us new life and the Spirit of God lives in us. And as Galatians five, chapter one, or Galatians 5:3, verse one says for freedom Christ has set us free. Stand firm, therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery. So that’s what we get to walk in, freedom. We don’t need to be liars. We’re not of our, we’re not of the father of lies. We’re not from him. That’s not the image were created in. We’re created in God’s image and we He has His Spirits in us and so we can be truthful and honest because He created us and lives in us. So we just hope that that encouraged you today and we’re excited to see the fruit that comes from this. We just pray that your marriage is blessed by this, what we talked about today, and that as the body of Christ, as Christians in this world, that we’d be light and salt and that we would learn to walk in truth and not lies and that we would be in unity with our spouses and with the body of Christ. So, we’ll see you next week. Did you enjoy today’s show? Find many more encouraging stories and resources at marriageaftergod.com and let us help you cultivate an extraordinary marriage.
How To Deal With A Lying Husband?- Coping When The Spouse Is Lying
‘My husband is a great father and a very caring husband, he is responsible. But he just doesn’t stop lying. He lies about the small things and the big thing. Sometimes it is because he doesn’t want to hurt me, at other times because his ego wouldn’t let him own up. Even when he knows he is lying, he cannot help himself. He tries to cover up but now I find it difficult to believe anything and have this urge to cross-check and it is affecting our relationship. How do I deal with a lying husband?
“We have had long conversations about it and he has promised that he will stop, but he hasn’t? Why does he feel the need to lie so much? Does he not understand what lying does to a marriage? I am on my last nerve with my husband,” wrote Nancy Gonsalves (name changed) to our expert counsellors.
Nancy’s situation is not unique. Many women go through this. All of us lie, it is a human trait. It can range from little harmless lies to hurtful, manipulative ones.
Usually, we lie to make ourselves seem better or to gain an advantage over the other person that we otherwise wouldn’t have. It could also be about protecting oneself from a negative reaction which we know will follow – lying creates or maintains an image which is not true so in one sense you are duping the other.
Related Reading: How To Maintain Your Sanity If Your Partner Is A Compulsive Liar
Some say, lies are a ‘man’s cheat code’ to a happy marriage and they use it to keep their spouses pleased. Many husbands believe that lies between couples are harmless and that they actually help maintain peace in the otherwise layered relationship.
Many unnecessary arguments and disagreements can be avoided by lying and ultimately the end (a peaceful and happy coexistence) justifies the means. But do experts agree on it?
Many men feel that lies about small things are ‘okay’ as long as they are loyal in the marriage. But, ‘lies are lies’ and little by little they can erode one of the biggest gifts that two people can give each other – the gift of being trustworthy! Lies can destroy faith in your partner.
So how does one deal with a lying husband? To understand that you have to know why husbands lie in the first place.
Why Do Husbands Lie About Small Things?
Husbands lie over small petty things for various reasons. It could be to protect the relationship, hide a dirty secret, dodge a conflict, or turn the situation in his favour.
Men lie so that the women in their life won’t have an emotional meltdown. For instance if he gets home late and says he was drinking at the club his wife might hit the roof, but if he says he was stuck at work that would ensure peace at home.
“You cannot help but become a lying husband if you don’t want to get shouted at the drop of a hat. If I tell my wife I forgot to get the cream cheese on a grocery trip she would sulk, but if I said that all the cream cheese was finished on the rack, it would take care of the situation,” said Joseph Ruskin (name changed).
Men say they would lie less if women would react in a less volatile manner and be more chilled out like the men are.
In all our research one thing that came out strongly though was that husbands lie to avoid conflict or to hide things they are sure will trigger a reaction from their wives.
But, as they say, ‘lie begets lie’, and once a husband starts resorting to lies, there is no escape from it. A lying husband gets into the habit to tell the untruth to save himself from a precarious situation.
This can become a nasty habit or a pattern where he may lie for anything, be it big or small. A wife may find it difficult to ‘trust‘ a husband who utters lies all the time. Here is the moment of truth for such men: you cannot lie and expect your wife to trust you. Chances are she may never trust you and question you even when you are speaking the truth.
So, this compulsive lying habit plants doubt in a wife’s mind and proves to be detrimental, especially in an intimate relationship like marriage, which is based on trust and honesty.
If a husband lies and hides things quite often, count this as a breach of trust in a marriage. However, from a husband’s perspective, ‘harmless lies’ protect and preserve the relationship with their spouse. So, he may tell simple lies like:
- “No, baby! You have not put on weight.”
- “I was not checking out that hot chick!”
- “I didn’t smoke a cigarette.”
- “I didn’t break the vase.”
- “Oh, baby! I just forgot about buying the fish from the market. Can you order it from the store?”
- “She is just a friend, you are just overthinking”.
- “That meal was fabulous”.
Remember ladies there’s a difference between expecting transparency and expecting honesty. At times these small lies are his way to care and love you. But men, lying too often can, in the long run, become toxic for the relationship.
Your wife will feel manipulated and tricked. She may also feel that you do not credit her with enough intelligence and may use this disappointment to cry on the shoulders of another man or an ex.
Also from the man’s point of view lying about one thing could lead to lying about others, he may not acknowledge his daily exchanges with an ex, laying the grounds for infidelity.
So, lying in a marriage slyly erodes the quality of marital happiness and satisfaction. But if a wife is careful and observant, she may identify the ‘lying spouse signs’ before it’s too late.
Related reading: 6 things men can do to win women’s trust
7 Common Signs Of A Lying Husband To Watch Out For
When you live with your husband, you know him inside out. It is not very tough to spot the signs of a lying husband. How he reacts to situations, addresses tricky challenges, and even lies will be easy to identify. lying has a pattern, here are some sure-shot signs of a liar to watch out for.
1. Questions your ‘questions’
A seasoned liar avoids answering a direct question. He uses a variety of tactics to deviate the spouse from the topic and redirects the question towards you. Chances are, you will fall for it as well. A classic example:
You: Are you attracted to her?
Him: How could you think I would be attracted to her!
This gives him time to think and come up with more lies. If you feel you are being played, be stern and ask to answer in a direct “Yes” or “No”. If he still takes time to answer, chances are that he is hiding things from you.
Another way to check if he is lying is to check for gaslighting. This is when a person tries to make you question your judgment and manipulate you into thinking that you are wrong.
In this case he is trying to gaslight you with his lies.
Is your husband gaslighting you?
2. Uses ‘word-fillers’ to respond quite often
Lying husbands need a longer time to process a lie and make it sound believable and truthful to their wives. Liars buy time through the use of word fillers like “umm”, “ah huh”, etc. to process thinking while formulating a believable lie in the middle of a conversation.
Also check for the word, you know, and I mean are huge word fillers. But remember they could be habit words too, so you need to see if these word fillers are used in every conversation or in only some. Dealing with a lying husband is not easy. Check if he is being fidgety, sweaty, nervous or tense.
Check if your husband is speaking more formally with you than he normally does? This is a sign that he is under stress and could be related to lying.
Related Reading: Dealing With A Cranky Husband – 13 Tips That Work
3. Takes longer response time, even for easy questions
Even for hot questions that can be easily answered within seconds with a “Yes” or a “No”, a lying husband may use the ‘excuse escape’ to avoid tricky situations. Because lying takes effort, words don’t flow as smoothly when someone is telling a lie.
They have to pause and search for words to fit. If you witness such behaviour, then there are chances that he is trying to hide things or keeping a secret from you. You could ask follow-up questions, they should be even more discerning. His response to those will be vague. That could be a clue.
What to do when your husband lies to you all the time? Just check if he is thinking a lot before answering your simple question. “Were you at golf?” could have been your question. Instead of a simple “Yes” he could be taking off his coat, his shoes, arranging those in the closet then answering you. This means he is biding time and thinking of the “right answer”.
He could be lying to keep a secret
4. His ‘speech patterns’ keep changing
Ironically, when a husband lies, he may use a higher pitch more often to cover up the wrongdoing in a relationship. Or his hesitation in replying can be experienced through slips of the tongue and grammatical errors.
He may even talk fast; just to end the uneasy conversation with the wife. Such discrepancies in the tone of voice and speech patterns reveal the truth that he may be lying to his sweetheart.
Also, check if they are stuttering and they normally don’t. Dealing with lying in a relationship is not easy but you have to keep a watch on this.
Stuttering and using filler words go hand in hand because both are virtually involuntary reactions to trying to speak something that’s not the truth. Remember anxiety and nervousness causes a change in voice pitch, also it can be a distracting tactic!
5. Decode ‘hand-to-face’ gestures
Lies, when uttered, don’t support the natural body language. Even when a compulsive liar frames a convincing reply, his body may exhibit extreme signs of physical stress. A wife can observe and take cues from these body language signs to find out whether her husband is lying or not.
Keep an eye on his eye movements. If the husband avoids making eye contact in a conversation, then this may reveal his reluctance in sharing the truth with you.
Even if he is able to maintain eye-to-eye contact, he may feel uncomfortable. Additionally, if he dramatically blinks his eyes or squints more often, then do watch out for a lie
His facial expressions keep changing during the course of the lie. He may support his fabricated words with a fake smile that does not reach the eyes. Or he may cover the face, rub the eyes or nose more often to evade confrontation. Biting the lip or sweating, slight blushing might indicate a lie being uttered
Standing with crossed arms or sitting with legs crossed means he is being defensive. Hiding hands in his pocket may signify that he is not coming clean in the conversation.
Check if he is trying to end the conversation and flee the room. Where is his body pointed towards, you or in the direction of the door?
Related Reading: Has Your Husband Checked Out Emotionally? 12 Signs Of a Failing Marriage
6. His lie ‘versions’ keep changing
A lie story is not always the same; it keeps on changing every time someone probes about it. The inconsistencies in recalling accounts, even in minor details, are solid proof that the spouse is lying. You could ask them to tell the story backwards.
If you suspect your husband of lying ask him to recall events backwards rather than forward in time. He will probably goof up in the little details. For example, start at the end of a story and ask them to explain what happened right before that point. And then, before that… and so on.
This could sound a bit like you are trying to interrogate him. A better way to do it is suddenly ask a question related to some incident he told you a few days back. If he was lying he would not know where to pick up from suddenly. If he wasn’t lying he would be able to repeat things word by word without a thought.
7. Guards phone next to life
A cheating husband, in order to keep his extramarital affair a secret, will keep his phone guarded at all costs. He comes home late, hides things or plans secret getaways with the other woman.
To protect his lies and avoid any consequences, he may keep his phone with himself all the time.
If he spots you anywhere near his phone and blurts out in bafflement, or snatches it from you, then there are 100% chances that he is lying or protecting a secret.
If you find that he has suddenly password protected his phone then you have reason to believe he has been lying to you about all his late-night work pressure.
If he stiffens when you come near him when he is messaging and takes his call only in the balcony when you are not around, then you can be sure you are dealing with a lying husband.
The next step is to confront him for the lies and deal with the severity of the situation.
How To Cope And Deal With A Lying Husband?
Lies – be it about small things like smoking a cigarette or keeping big secrets like an extramarital affair – have no place in a committed relationship like marriage.
So, after tallying the sign of your spouse’s toxic lies pattern, perhaps it is time to confront him and address the problems in your marriage. Now is the time to act on a lying husband and try things to make sure he changes that.
Or at least let him know that you know that he is lying and you can spot it. If he is cheating on you and then lying about it we will tell you how you can deal with a lying spouse.
1. Review his lying pattern
The first step of dealing with a lying husband begins while reviewing the types of lies.
Does he lie to paint himself in a promising light? Or wants to avoid any shame or embarrassment like family background, past relationships, career challenges and financial status with the use of a lie?
Is he trying to keep an affair a secret and so lies constantly because he wants to have both women around him?
Or is he lying out of compulsion? In other words, lying is a part of his personality and life and he is a ‘pathological liar’.
Such individuals create an illusion around them through lies. He may reveal false information about everything, including the past, accomplishments, and family
If you review his lying pattern then you will know why he is lying. Is it just white lies that he is in a habit of uttering or it’s more dangerous and he is trying to gaslight you?
Understanding the degrees of lies will help you identify the next step in the spousal lie coping mechanism.
Related reading: 12 Warning Signs Of Gaslighting and 5 Ways To Deal With It
2. Reflect on how you will react if he tells you the truth
The second step is to contemplate your reactions after witnessing the reality of spousal lies. The premise is simple – unwanted situations and arguments may force him to lie. So, imagine the scenarios around the lies of your husband.
If he was honest and open about him spending time with his friends, would you get angry or retaliate? Or if he forgot to buy groceries one day, would you yell at him and blow things out of proportion?
If YES is your answer, then you are also even if in part, responsible for the toxic lying pattern. So, while dealing with the lying husband, understand that he needs a safe and trusted environment that values honesty and encourages him to speak the truth.
3. Communicate and beat the toxicity of lies together as a couple
The next way to deal with the negative lying pattern is to communicate this issue to your spouse. Tell him that you are hurt that he doesn’t trust you and keeps on lying to keep things comfortable in the marriage.
Accept your flaws of impulsive and irrational reactions as well. Have a heart-to-heart chat and work together to beat the toxic influences in your marriage by curbing lies and being more honest with each other.
Dealing with lying in a relationship is not easy. You might already have serious issues in the relationship that is leading to this whole lying syndrome.
First straighten out those issues. You may take the help of relationship counselling to do that. Then the lying would automatically stop.
Find out why he is lying
4. Confront him if it is an extramarital affair
How do I deal with a husband who is lying in a marriage? If he is unfaithful in a marriage, then confronting is a powerful way to express your hurt and resentment. You can check for the signs of cheating, if you identify with them you will have to act on it.
Have open communication with him and tell him how betrayed you feel due to his dishonesty in marriage via an extramarital affair. However, if your husband has a habit of lying, getting him to come clean about any transgression will not be easy. That’s why you must gather adequate evidence about the affair that he won’t be able to refute before you sit down to talk to him.
Invest in a spy cam to monitor his activities in case you suspect he’s using your home for clandestine meetings with his lover in your absence. Get good spyware to clone his phone and computer and track his activities virtually. The evidence you gather through these means may or may not hold up in a court of law, should you decide to take that route. But it will definitely help in getting him to admit to cheating and open channels for communication.
Lies can tie you and your spouse in a cobweb of toxicity. So, the moment you find out your husband is lying to you, don’t ignore it. Our Bonobology relationship counsellors also reiterate the fact that a lie has no place in a relationship like a marriage.
Many couples share how this toxic lying pattern can crack or break the very foundations of trust. So, to save your marriages from this torment, catch the ‘lying bug’ in time and crush it. This is one of the trusted ways of dealing with a lying husband and saving many marriages from negatives like secrecy and dishonesty.
1. What lying does to a marriage?
Compulsive lying habit plants doubt in a wife’s mind and proves to be detrimental, especially in an intimate relationship like marriage, which is based on trust and honesty. While the husband might think they are using white lies to protect the marriage, the opposite can happen.
2. Why does my husband lie to me about everything?
Your husband lies to you about everything maybe because it’s a habit, he is compulsive liar. He could also be cheating so he is constantly lying to cover your tracks.
3. What to do when your husband lies to you all the time?
You need to understand why he is lying. Do you get argumentative or yell at him if he makes small mistakes? Chances are he lies to you to avoid such a situation. He could be lying to you because he is cheating or there could be deeper issues in the relationship. You can confront him or look for counselling too.
4. Should I stay with my lying husband?
There is no reason not to stay with your lying husband. But if you feel that his lies are taking a toll on your mental health and you see no sign of him changing, then you can think of walking out.
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10 Signs You Are In A Relationship With A Pathological Liar
Before I get into the signs of dating a pathological liar, I want to give you some background on my own personal experiences with lying.
I was never a pathological liar but I definitely used to be a compulsive liar.
Early in my childhood, lying became a habit that soon became a way of life. I had well-intended parents who taught me not to lie but in my little mind, there was no other choice. As I grew up, so did my self-deception, insecurities, and ability to paint an entirely different picture than, unbeknownst to me, most people could see right through. The lying continued well into my teens and early twenties. I didn’t have the awareness that I do now, but I knew the difference between right and wrong. The extent to which we will justify the wrong of lying in the name of emotional survival is incredible. I had to lie.
Without lying, everyone would be in on the joke that I embarrassingly tried to be the only one in on…
The fact that I was a joke.
There are a million reasons why I felt like I had no choice but to lie at such a young age. And there are a million more reasons why I continued to lie as a teenager and young adult.
A lot of them had to do with the atmosphere I grew up in. A lot of it had to do with witnessing the adults lie and being around certain family members who were so insecure themselves, they got satisfaction from being the “Gotcha!” police. They would shame me to others behind my back in the name of expressing concern – instead of having a genuine concern to ask me if I was okay.
Ultimately, no one made me lie. I chose to.
If you’re lying, you’re lonely.
The root of the weed that lying is, will always be the liar’s belief that they are not enough. And there is no lonelier place to be than the space of feeling like you have no worth.
If I didn’t feel like my truth was so pathetic, I would never have felt the need to compulsively lie.
Anyone who lies habitually is on a self-made life raft that deflates very quickly until another lie is told.
Having one identity is tough enough but when you lie, you have to keep up with multiple ones. These identities are birthed by your shame, anger, fear of rejection, fear of judgment, insecurities, and pain. The funny thing is, I lied to keep people around when all it did was turn off the right people, trigger my abandonment issues, and in turn, attract toxic people who exploited the very insecurities that required me to lie on the compulsive level that I was.
How I stopped being a compulsive liar is another post for another time. I basically started to become more worried about the effects of my lies than people just knowing the truth. I got so sick of myself, my oversharing, the drama I had created, and my own bullsh*t, that the truth started to become less scary. I realized that although people may be hurt, disgusted, happy, sad, etc., from hearing my truth… At least they’d respect me for being honest. I then started to attract better people and better relationships in my life.
By taking this step to improve myself, I had simultaneously improved the relationship with myself. Over time, I started to build respect for myself.
Self-respect and pathologically (or compulsive) lying cannot coexist.
When it comes to dating or any kind of relationship, the level to which you deceive yourself will always mirror the toleration you have for others deceiving you.
If you engage in self-deception, you will be that much more susceptible to excuse others when they lie to you.
You will hold onto the little crumbs of truth in their lies because deep down, you don’t believe that you are good enough for the whole truth. And so, you work harder to understand them instead of folding and getting the f*ck out of Dodge.
We all lie from time to time. According to a study at the University of Massachusetts, sixty percent of people cannot even have a 10-minute conversation without lying at least one time.
There’s a big difference between dating someone who has occasionally lied and someone who is a compulsive liar or even worse, a
When lying gets out of control, it is referred to as compulsive. It can also be pathological. Although the definitions are fluid, I do think that there are differences. Either way, a relationship with a pathological liar or a compulsive liar will be the worst relationship of your life. The relationship that you have with them will be just as bad as the one they have with themselves. You can never “rescue” a liar. You can only get away. It is impossible to have a genuine connection, relationship, or any kind of intimacy with these people.
A Compulsive Liar vs. A Pathological Liar
A compulsive liar will habitually exaggerate and embellish in an effort to be seen, heard, and inflate their fragile ego. A pathological liar will lie for many of the same reasons, but when you realize that they’re lying and call them out on it… they will continue to lie and not feel bad about it. Upon being called out, a pathological liar will reveal more unbelievable details within their obnoxious stories. Even when they are presented with irrefutable evidence and all of the proverbial receipts, they’ll keep it going. And it will make you feel crazy. This is how pathological lying works.
A compulsive liar lies to feel more important. A pathological liar lies as a form of manipulation to get their way while robbing you of your ability to trust. They are manipulative, clever, sheisty, crafty, and most of the time, have their own selfish agenda and a self-serving goal in mind when they lie. Everyone is a ladder to them. They are empathetically bankrupt and have no concern for the feelings and emotional well-being of others – even their romantic partners, family, and friends. They don’t care about anything other than their own needs and agenda.
Compulsive liars are uncomfortable with the truth and will lie for what seems like no reason or end goal. Pathological liars have a selfish agenda. Both feel incredibly small and operate on their own level of insecure delusion.
You will never be able to tell when these people being honest and when they are bullsh*tting you. Unlike a compulsive liar, there are far less tell-tale signs with a pathological liar.
Pathological liars are much more fearless. They lie about things you would never imagine someone could ever or would ever lie about.
Here are 10 signs that you’re in a relationship with a pathological liar…
1. No matter what a pathological liar claims,
they are all about themselves.
It doesn’t matter how much they try to come across as empathetic and selfless. A pathological liar tells very theatrical stories and can be very grandiose. They love feeling like the big man/woman on campus and they get off to triangulating, creating drama, and inciting jealousy. The more people they can get to fight over them and fight for their attention, the better. They are highly narcissistic and have sociopathic tendencies, if not full-blown sociopathy. To you, it will seem like they pedestal everyone but you.
2. They are highly competitive and have an intense fear of failure.
They may not seem outwardly competitive but internally, they have to win at all costs. Your success is NOT theirs. When you win or accomplish anything, they congratulate you but passively downplay it. Because they are so insecure, everything is a competition and they can never be genuinely happy for other people.
For them, winning is a matter of emotional life and death. They have to lie because they don’t believe in themselves enough to get real, be honest, and actually have the courage to become what they fabricate.
With a pathological liar, failure is to be avoided at all costs because it affirms the failure that deep down, they feel like they are. And when they do fail (which is more often than you think), they never learn from it. They just point fingers.
3. Very low self-esteem.
These people are cocky, not confident. There is a huge difference. And remember, cocky people do everything to appear to be the toughest, most secure, and the most desirable but they are the weakest, most insecure, inflated, and fragile. They hate who they are.
4. They are attention seekers.
They constantly need an ego boost and will flirt with anyone or anything that gives them a morsel of attention, validation, or response. They’ll even brag about the dog choosing their leg to hump.
5. A pathological liar will lie in ways that you would never expect.
They have no problem throwing others (even their own friends, co-workers, and family members) seriously under the bus to keep their lies going.
6. They use
just enough of the truth to hook you into believing them.
A pathological liar will provide explanations that are sprinkled with just enough of the truth to mind f*ck you into ignoring your intuition and staying with them.
7. If they ever do admit to their lies, the pathological liar is usually
still lying and creating new lies during their confession.
Although most pathological liars do believe their own lies, some do come clean. Don’t buy into it.
If there is ever a “coming clean” moment, it’s generally to gain sympathy and always a tactical admission, never empathetic.
Recently, a pathological liar told me (after admitting to some seriously disturbing lies), that she was now totallyincapable of telling a lie – ever again.
Not only is that unreasonable, but it’s yet another indicator of pure delusion. I would have so much more respect for someone who admitted to lying and expressed that they know they will naturally still struggle (because this has been a life-long habit) but they need compassion and support from loved ones to stay on track.
8. The relationships with their friends and family are unstable.
With a pathological liar, there is always some sort of drama, jealousy, misunderstanding, and falling out going on in their lives. These people also like to think that they have a ton of jealous “haters.”
9. They lie about the smallest things and also, they will lie about things that are so big and defamatory, you’d never believe they’d have the guts to actually lie on that level.
If someone is going to lie about the most minuscule and dumb thing that serves no purpose, they are most likely going to lie about other things that are bigger.
Keep your antennas up and know when to fold.
If they’re going to lie about big things that could potentially damage the reputation of others, believe me when I say, they’re lying about the small stuff too.
10. You feel crazy, guilty, uncool, “too harsh,” pathetic, and like you need to “get a life” when you’re around them.
Pathological liars are masters at…
- Distorting your reality (gaslighting).
- Ruining your ability to trust and then, labeling you as having “trust issues.”
- Deflection. They make you feel pathetic and crazy for trying to get verification on their ever-changing stories.
Bottom line: you deserve more and you know it.
Give one fraction of the love to yourself that you are giving anyone who tries to control your emotional weather via lies and you will no longer miss them. You’ll feel sorry for them.
Little by little, you’ll start missing YOU – the you who honored and valued his/her intuition instead of the person who allowed a pathological liar to piss on it while you kept telling yourself it was raining.
+ If you need further and more personalized help, please look into working with me here.
90,000 Biography of Vasily Lanovoy – RIA Novosti, 03/01/2020
Vasily Lanovoy is a member of the Public Council under the Ministry of Defense of the Russian Federation.
In 2008-2009, he was a member of the Public Chamber of the Russian Federation.
For more than 20 years, Lanovoy has been heading the Scarlet Sails International Children’s Film Festival in Artek.
The artist’s work was noted with various awards. In 1985 he was awarded the title of People’s Artist of the USSR. He is a laureate of the Moscow Komsomol Prize (1972), the Lenin Prize (1980), as well as the USSR KGB (1983) and USSR Ministry of Internal Affairs (1984) prizes.He was awarded the Order of Friendship of Peoples (1994), the Order of Honor (2001), the Orders of Merit for the Fatherland IV (2004) and III (2009) degrees. In December 2013, the actor was awarded the Order of Alexander Nevsky.
Among his public awards – the international award of St. Andrew the First-Called “For Faith and Loyalty”, the Order of Peter the Great II degree, St. Stanislav, as well as the National Award named after Peter the Great. Lanovoy was awarded the Pushkin Medal (200 years), the Golden Tyutchev Medal (200 years), was awarded the medals of the Russian Academy of Sciences – the V.I. Vernadsky and the medal named after S.I. Vavilov and others.
In 2012, he became a laureate of the Andrei Mironov Russian National Acting Prize “Figaro” in the nomination “For Service to the Theater Fatherland”.
The first wife of the actor was the actress Tatyana Samoilova. For more than 40 years, Vasily Lanovoy has been married to actress Irina Kupchenko, two sons were born in the family – Alexander (1973) and Sergey (1976–2013).
The material was prepared on the basis of information from RIA Novosti and open sources
Audio provided by FGUP Melodiya Firm
1.Vasily Lanovoy reads an excerpt from the story “First Love” by Ivan Turgenev. Recorded in 1983.
2. Vasily Lanovoy takes part in the radio show of musical and literary composition based on P.I. Tchaikovsky and Charles Perrault’s fairy tale “The Sleeping Beauty”. Characters and performers: King – E. Velikhov; Aurora – S. Nemolyaeva; Catalabut – R. Plyatt; Lilac Fairy – M. Babanova; Fairy Carabosse – L.Pashkov; Prince Desiree – V. Lanovoy; Fortune – V. Shalevich; Fairies – S. Svetlovidova; Princes – V. Ryadchenko. Music: Orchestra of the Bolshoi Theater of the USSR, conductor B. Khaikin. Recorded in 1964.
Pamela Meyer: How to Recognize a Liar
Well, I don’t want to scare anyone in this room, but I would like to draw your attention to the fact that the person to your right is a liar. And the man on the left is a liar.Even the person who sits in your own place is a liar. We are all liars. And today I’m going to tell you what research has to say about why we all lie, how you can become an expert in lies, and why don’t you take a step further and move from recognizing lies to seeking the truth, and ultimately to the art of creating an atmosphere of trust.
By the way, speaking of trust. Since I wrote the book “Recognizing Lies,” no one wants to meet me in person anymore. No no no no no.They say, “Okay, we will contact you by email.” I can’t even invite anyone over for coffee at Starbucks. And my husband goes there too: “Darling, what deception? Maybe you should switch to cooking? How about French cuisine? ”
Before I begin, I would like to clarify for you my goal, which is not to teach you the game of “cat and mouse”. Connoisseurs of lies are not the picky kids shouting from the back rows: “Gotcha! Gotcha! Your eyebrow twitched. You flare up your nostrils.I watch Lie to Me on TV. I know that you are lying! ” No, the experts in lies are armed with the scientific knowledge of how to discern deception. They use this knowledge to get to the bottom of the truth, and do what experienced leaders do every day: they negotiate difficult negotiations with difficult people and sometimes during very difficult times. And they begin this journey by making a key statement, which is: Lying is a collaborative act. Think about it, a lie itself has no power, these are nothing more than empty words.And she gains power only when someone agrees to believe this lie.
I understand that this sounds as strange as well-meaning cruelty, but think, if at some point you were deceived, it is only because you agreed to be deceived. Truth about lying number one: “Lying is a collaborative action.” And not all lies are harmful. Sometimes we voluntarily engage in deception for the sake of preserving a sense of human dignity, perhaps in order to keep secret what should be secret.We say, “Good song.” “Honey, it doesn’t make you look fat at all, no.” Or we say, imitating the Internet elite: “You know, I just fished this message out of my spam folder. I am so sorry”.
But there are times when we involuntarily have to participate in deception. And it can cost us a lot. Last year, the United States alone lost $ 997 billion to corporate fraud. That’s almost a trillion dollars. This is 7% of government revenue. Cheating can be worth billions.Think of Enron, Madoff, the mortgage crisis. Or, in the case of double agents and traitors like Robert Hansen or Aldrich Ames, a lie can betray our country, it can threaten our security, undermine democratic foundations and lead to the collapse of everything that protects us.
Cheating is actually serious business. This fraud, Henry Oberlander, was such a clever fraud that the British authorities believed he could have undermined the entire banking system of the West.And you won’t find it through Google, you won’t be able to find it anywhere. He was only interviewed once, and this is what he said. “You know, I have one rule.” According to him, this is Henry’s rule: “Look, everyone is ready to give you something. People are ready to give you anything for what they themselves are eager to get. ” And this is the crux of the matter. If you do not want to be deceived, you must understand what exactly you want most. And we don’t like to admit it at all. We want to be better husbands, better wives, smarter, stronger, taller, richer – and the list is endless.Lying is simply an attempt to fill that gap to connect our desires and fantasies about who we would like to be, who we think we could be, with who we really are. And unfortunately, we are ready to fill such gaps in our lives with lies.
In one day, according to research, you can be lied to anywhere from 10 to 200 times. It has been proven that a significant part of this lie is white lie. But other studies have shown that strangers told each other a lie three times in the first 10 minutes of dating.And now, when we first hear about it, we are horrified. We cannot believe that lies are so common. By nature, we are against lies. But if you look closely, everything is much more subtle.
We are more likely to strangers than to colleagues. Extroverts lie more often than introverts. Men lie about themselves eight times more often than about others. Women are more likely to lie in order to protect someone. If you are the average married couple, you will lie to each other once in ten. You may think this is bad.But if you are not married, that figure will rise to three out of ten.
Lying is hard. It is woven into the fabric of our daily and business life. We are deeply contradictory about the truth. We use it only as needed, often under plausible pretexts, another time, simply because we are not aware of the gaps in our life. And that’s truth number two. We are against lies, but deep down, we are for it in cases that our society has sanctioned from time immemorial to this day. Lies are as old as the world.She is part of our culture and history. Think of Dante, Shakespeare, the Bible, world news.
Lying has evolutionary implications for us as a species. Scientists have known for a long time that the smarter the species, the more developed its cerebral cortex, the greater their propensity to deceive. Remember at least Coco. Do any of you remember Coco, the gorilla who was trained in sign language? Coco was trained to communicate using sign language. And here we see Coco with a kitten. This is her adorable, small, fluffy, beloved kitten.Coco once blamed this cute kitten for having a shell ripped out of the wall. It is in our nature to become leaders. And it starts very, very early. How early is it? So babies go into fake crying, freeze to see who is coming, and start crying again. Children as young as one year old learn to hide the truth. Two-year-olds are bluffing. Five-year-olds lie shamelessly. They manipulate others with flattery. Nine-year-olds are already masters of disguise. By the time you go to college, you’re ready to lie to your mother one in five times.By the time we enter the adult working world, in which we make our own bread, we find ourselves in a world cluttered with spam, false internet friends, the corrupt press, cunning identity thieves, world-class pyramid pyramid builders and an epidemic of deception – in one word , into a world that one author calls a post-truth society. It has been confusing since ancient times to this day.
So what should we do? There are steps we can take to work our way through this swamp.Trained experts in lies get to the bottom of the truth 90% of the time. As for the rest of the people, they are only 54% accurate. Why is this so easy to learn? There are good and bad liars. There are no original liars. We all make the same mistakes. We all use the same technique. And I’m going to show you two signs of deception. And then we’ll look at the hotspots and see if we can find them on our own. And we will start with one speech.
(Video) Bill Clinton: I want you to listen to me.I’ll say it again. I have not had sexual relations with this woman, Ms. Lewinsky. I’ve never forced anyone to lie, not once, never. And these unfounded accusations are unfair. And I have to go back to work for the benefit of all Americans. Thank you.
Pamela Meyer: Okay, where are the obvious signs of a lie? First of all, we heard the so-called complete denial. Research has shown that people who are fixated on their denial are more likely to use formal rather than informal language. We also noticed the withdrawal language: “that woman.”We know that liars subconsciously distance themselves from the subject of their lies, using language as a tool. Also, if Bill Clinton had said, “Well, to be honest …” or used Richard Nixon’s favorite expression: “In all honesty …”, these words would have become irrefutable evidence for any connoisseur of lies who knows that the so-called qualifying language like this, further casts doubt on the subject of the conversation. Moreover, if he repeated his question in its entirety or embellished his speech with piquant details – and we are sincerely glad that he did not – he would discredit himself even more.Freud was right. His words are more than just a turn of speech: “No mortal can keep secrets. And even if his lips are silent, his fingertips are talking. ” We all do the same, regardless of the degree of authority that gives us. We all speak with our fingertips. Now I will show you Dominic Strauss-Kahn with Barack Obama talking with their fingertips.
So this brings us to the next feature, which is body language. And as for body language, here’s how you should use it.You should literally put your assumptions out of your mind. Let science strengthen your knowledge a little. Because in our opinion, liars are always nervous. In fact, it is known that they know how to freeze outward manifestations when they lie. We believe liars prefer not to make eye contact. But in fact, they look into the eyes of the interlocutor even a little longer than usual, precisely in order to debunk this myth. We think that the warmth and smiles of the interlocutor express honesty and sincerity. But a trained lie can spot a false smile a mile away.Can anyone here recognize a false smile? You can deliberately contract your cheek muscles. But a real smile is reflected in the eyes, in the wrinkles around them. These muscles cannot be consciously contracted, especially if you overdo it with botox. Don’t overuse Botox or no one will ever believe you are honest.
And now it’s time to move on to the hot spots. Can you tell what happens during this conversation? Can you start looking for hotspots that allow you to see discrepancies between words and actions? Yes, I know it sounds pretty obvious, but when you yourself are talking to someone you suspect is deceiving, the attitude towards him certainly outweighs the indicators of truth or falsehood.
An honest person will cooperate. He will try to show that he is on your side. Will be full of enthusiasm. Will be responsive and willing to help you in your search for the truth. He will be ready to solve the problem together, to voice suspicions, to clarify the details. He’ll say, “Look, those guys on the staff could have forged these checks.” He will be furious if he feels that he is undeservedly accused throughout the interview, and not in isolated outbursts. He will be furious throughout the interview.And if you ask someone to be frank about how to punish those who counterfeited that money, an honest person is likely to recommend severe rather than light punishment.
Now let’s say that you are talking about specific things with a deceiver. This person can be withdrawn, look at his feet, speak in a whisper, stop, be unpredictable. Ask the cheater to tell his story, and he will spice it up with a fair amount of irrelevant detail.And besides, he will tell his story in strict chronological order. And experienced investigators unobtrusively delve deeper and deeper into the details for several hours, they ask the interrogated to tell the same story in reverse order, and watch how nervous he is, figuring out which questions cause the most abundant stream of lies. Why are they doing this? Perhaps we all do the same thing. We rehearse our speech, but we rarely rehearse gestures. We say yes, but we show no with our heads.We tell very compelling stories and shrug our shoulders a little. We commit horrific crimes, and we smile with a presentiment that we will get away with it. In trade, such a smile is known as “tricked the fool!”
And soon we will see her in several videos, and now let’s start – and for those who do not know this person, this is the presidential candidate John Edwards, who shocked all of America by becoming the father of an illegitimate child. We will see him talk about genetic testing to determine paternity.See if you can figure it out. Saying “yes”, he shows his head “no”, shrugs slightly.
(Video) John Edwards: I’d love to be a part of this. I know it’s impossible that this child could be mine, judging by the timing. I know for sure that this is impossible. I will be happy to take the paternity test and will be happy to see what comes of it.
Journalist: Are you going to do it soon? Is there anyone …
John Edwards: You know, I’m just one side of this test.But I will be glad to participate in it.
PM: Okay, it’s much easier to recognize these head movements if you know what to look for. At times, a person’s face takes on one expression, masking a completely different one, which suddenly manifests itself in separate flashes. The killers are known to be betrayed by sadness. Your new business partner may shake your hand, congratulate you, dine with you, and suddenly find signs of anger. And we are not going to become experts on facial expressions overnight, but there is something very dangerous that I can easily teach you, and that is an expression of contempt.When it comes to anger, we are dealing with two people playing in the same environment. It still feels like a healthy relationship. But when anger turns to contempt, you are written off. Contempt is associated with moral superiority. And for this reason, it is very, very difficult to recover from it. This is what it looks like. Contempt finds the corner of the lip raised and drawn in. It’s just an asymmetrical facial expression. But if there is contempt, whether there is a deception behind it or not – and it does not always have to coexist with a contemptuous attitude – look for another path, go in a different direction, reconsider the deal, say: “No, thanks.I think we should stop there. Thank you”.
Science has revealed a great variety of indicators. For example, we know that liars have a change in their blink rate, and their legs turn towards the exit. They use various objects as a barrier and place them between themselves and the person interrogating them. They change the tone of the voice, usually lowering it significantly. And now – the most important thing. This behavior is just behavior and should not be considered evidence of deception. These are red flags.We are all humans. We all use deceitful gestures all over the place all day long. By themselves, they mean nothing. But when you are confronted with a collection of such gestures, it should be a signal for you. Look closely, listen, investigate, ask difficult questions, leave this very comfortable mode of knowledge, go to the mode of curiosity, ask more questions, maintain self-esteem, achieve rapport with the interlocutor. Don’t try to be like the guys on Law & Order and other similar TV shows who beat confessions out of their victims.Don’t be overly aggressive, it doesn’t work.
So we discussed a little bit about how to talk to a deceiver and how to recognize a lie. And, as I promised, now we’ll see what the truth is like. I want to show you two videos, two mothers, one of whom is lying and the other is telling the truth. These videos were developed by researcher David Matsumoto from California. And I think they are a great example of what truth is like.
This mother, Diana Downs, shot her children at close range, took them to the hospital while they were bleeding to death in the car, and claimed that it was a bald stranger who did it.And when you watch this video, you will see that she is not even remotely like a mother beating in agony. And all you can find here is the incredible discrepancy between the horrific events she describes and the cold, calculating demeanor. And if you look closely, you can see “deceived the fool!” throughout the video.
(Video) Diana Downs: At night, when I close my eyes, I see Christy reaching out her little hand to me in the car, and the blood continues to flow from her mouth.And maybe this will pass over time – but I don’t think so. This is what worries me the most.
Pamela Meyer: Now I’m going to show you a video that shows the true grief of a mother, Erin Runnion, in court against her daughter’s murderer and torturer. Here you will not see fake emotions, only a genuine expression of maternal grief.
(Video) Erin Runnion: I wrote this statement on the third day after you kidnapped my daughter and you hurt her, you destroyed her, you bullied her until her heart stopped.And she fought, I know, she fought with you. I know she looked at you with her amazing brown eyes, and you still wanted to kill her. And I do not understand this, I will never understand.
Pamela Meyer: Well, there is no doubt about the veracity of these emotions.
Today, the technology of determining the truth is constantly developing, using scientific knowledge. For example, we know that there are now eye trackers and infrared brain scanners, magnetic resonance imaging machines that can decode the signals our body sends when we try to trick someone.And these technologies will soon be offered to all of us as a panacea for deception, and one day they will prove their undeniable benefits. But at the same time, you have to ask yourself: Who would you like to be on the same side of the barricades with: with a person who knows how to get to the bottom of the truth, or with someone who is trying to drag an EEG weighing 200 kg through the door?
Lying experts rely on human emotions. They know that, as someone once said, “character is what you are in the dark.”And it is very interesting how little this very darkness is today. Our world is lit 24 hours a day. It is transparent with blogs and social media transmitting the gossip of a whole new generation of people who have chosen to live in public. This world is much noisier. And therefore our task is very difficult: to remember that all this excessive openness is not honesty. Our obsessive thirst for tweeting and messaging can overshadow the fact that the subtleties of human decency – integrity of character – are still and will always matter.Therefore, in this such a noisy world, the need for us to be a little more discriminating about what concerns our moral standards acquires a special meaning for us.
When you combine the teaching of recognizing deception with the ability to look and listen carefully, you save yourself from being exposed to lies. You begin this journey towards greater discernment to make people around you understand: “My world, our world will be an honest world. My world will be a world where truth is omnipotent, and lies are recognized and ignored. “And when you do this, the world around you will begin to change little by little.
And this is the true truth.
Translation: Elena Leiko
How to identify a liar ?: kirulya – LiveJournal
– My dad works as a bouncer in a brothel!
The stunned teacher decided to go to Bill’s house.
– In what conditions are you raising a child? – he asks his father.
– Actually I am a programmer and specialize in TCP / IP – the communication protocol in the UNIX system.How can I explain this to a seven-year-old boy?
People often ask me:
– Kirulya, are you not afraid that someone is lying to you? How do you understand that they are lying to you or telling the truth?
You will not believe me, but if a person lies to me that he is not married, I am indifferent to this.
It happens like this:
– Honey, I like you so much! We will meet on weekdays.
– You are married.
(hitch and honest eyes)
– No, I’m not married. I just have small children, an old mother, a part-time job as a security guard (underline the necessary).
– What does it matter to me whether you are married or not. I don’t need a man on weekdays – I’m a busy woman. But on the weekend I need to have a cultural rest. So whether you are married or not are your problems.
– Well, okay, I have a common-law wife.
Here I speak in almost correct Hebrew (al tipizdi), which does not require translation, and I ask:
– Does she consider you a husband?
– So you’re married. Everything, place!
But that’s okay. It is much worse when a person lies about his work. For example, he works in the aviation industry – that is, washes airplanes.
This was a preamble.
A handsome young man of 36 years old just called. I asked what he was doing. He said that he worked in a large paint and varnish company as an advisor, and knew everything about paints! I got interested and asked what does everything mean? He replied that all this was all, but he would not give advice on the choice of paint.
Then I asked what is CMYK? The young man did not know this abbreviation, and I had to tell him about color separation, about catalogs in which, under each color, there is a mixing percentage of four primary colors.He listened attentively, and then from his words I realized that he was a salesman who delivers paint to shops.
So it turns out that it is worth asking a question about work, and the person begins to overflow with a nightingale. At this time, you write in Google the name of his profession, and read aloud any line from the job description. And if he cannot clearly explain what it is – for sure, a liar! Information about work is much more intimate than information about who a person is married to. Let him lie that he has 21 cm – this is not a lie, but an artistic conjecture and dreams of beauty.But if he is lying about his work, then he should not be allowed close to him.
John Simm: filmography, photo, biography. Actor.
Born in the summer of 1970 in West Yorkshire into a musician family and was the eldest child. The Simm family constantly moved from city to city in connection with the work of his father, who taught John to play the guitar, and then took his son to play with him. As soon as the future actor began to make significant progress in the field of guitar playing, his father created a guitar duet with him.The gang was called “Us2”. At sixteen, John Simm went to college, simultaneously performing in musicals. He made his debut in the production of Boys and Dolls. The second musical for John was West Side Story. But musical performances quickly bored John, although interest in the theater remained, so he asked to join a non-professional drama troupe, where there was a teacher. The audience loved what John Simm was doing. The whole city went to the performances of “Amadeus” and “Billy the Liar” with great pleasure.In these performances, John played the main roles. At the age of nineteen, having seen and changed many cities, the guy left for the capital of Britain. At the London Drama Center, he studied acting, including the Stanislavsky system. Three years after entering the London Center, John received a full-fledged higher education. It happened in 1992. By this point, John was writing lyrics and riffs for his own band, in which he naturally played the guitar. The band was called Magic Alex and had a success story of their own – tours, film soundtracks and warm-ups for world famous bands such as Coldplay and Echo and the Bunnmen.John Simm’s band released one album called “Dated and Sexist”. However, for various reasons, John’s music team ceased to exist in 2005.
After graduating from the main theatrical center of London, John made his debut as a certified actor. Like many of his colleagues, Simm made his debut in the series. They were Pure English Murder, Heartbeat, Rumpole of the Bailey, Oasis and The Locksmith. John combined work in television projects with work as a waiter and dancer in nightclubs.In 1996, at the Valencia Festival, he was awarded Best Actor for his performance in the debut film The Gang of Boston. Since in real life John is an avid fan of the Manchester United team, this theme is played up in a number of films where John plays. For example, in Life on Mars.
The most famous role of John Simm was the role of the Master in Doctor Who, where John appeared after Roger Delgado, Peter Pratt, Derek Jacobi. John became the eighth actor to play the Master in Doctor Who.In 2007, readers of Doctor Who Magazine recognized John Simm as the best actor for the roles of Harold Saxon and The Master. In addition to Doctor Who, John Simm also took part in other successful projects: Crime and Punishment (Raskolnikov), in the TV series Sex Traffic and The Big Game.
Since April 2004, John has been married to a colleague, actress Kate Magowon. The couple have two children – Ryan and Molly (born in 2001 and 2007).
90,000 7 signs that a man is married
Many women keep in their heads one ideal of a man – strong, intelligent, caring, decisive.He must be ready to take responsibility (including material responsibility). But many find themselves in the opposite situation and meet men who are ready to give their love and care in exchange for material benefits.
Alphonses – this is how they call men who live on a partial or full support from a woman in exchange for intimate relationships, and also, more broadly, for some other personal services. Sometimes women deliberately choose such a partner, but in most cases, falling in love with such a character, they do not notice the true motives of the relationship for a long time.
At the beginning of the relationship, he is flawless
He is always dressed neatly and tastefully, behaves gallantly, attentive and showered you with compliments. Next to him, it seems to you that you are exceptional and extraordinary. His main goal is to make a woman fall in love with him in order to dull her vigilance.
It is impossible to draw a conclusion on the basis of only this sign – a good and correct upbringing can affect. But always try to think soberly, observing the development of the relationship.
Spends money and looks after
It is a mistake to think that the gigolo immediately looks greedy. At the beginning of a relationship, he can give flowers and make expensive gifts to his beloved. But when a woman is in love and trusts him completely, strange coincidences begin.
Either he forgot his wallet in the car, and drove the car itself to the service, then his card was blocked, just at the moment when it was necessary to pay the bill in the restaurant.
Too active interest in your financial situation
As if by chance, he asks questions about housing – owning an apartment or renting, how promising is your job and how long have you received bonuses, how much does your bag cost and in which stores you buy clothes.
At the same time, most likely he never asked what the name of your parents is, or even when is your birthday.
Doesn’t like to talk about his work
Most often, this is a successful business in a not very widespread or, even better, secret industry, the name of which even Google does not yet know. Or a high position in a serious company (in which one they often find it difficult to answer, referring to the wrong moment). They always have a partner or boss with whom a difficult relationship.
One day your prince comes to a meeting very upset, does not eat, does not drink, and does not say anything. Only after long questions does he sigh heavily and tells a terrible story of how he was thrown or framed, and now he is completely ruined.
Aerobatics – these are stories that he cannot avoid prison if he does not pay off his debts, and this is a rather large amount.
But he refuses to accept help from you for a long time, but then, with the promises of eternal love and a triple return, he nevertheless agrees.And you feel elated that you were able to help your beloved.
Often tells sad stories
This is one of the main distinguishing features of gigolos. What kind of trials fate has not thrown on the poor. Childhood, as a rule, is difficult, parents are monsters (therefore, by the way, he does not introduce them to them), but at the same time there is always a beloved aunt or grandmother, who often end up in the hospital. Their treatment may also be a reason to take money from you.
He had to part with a prestigious apartment in the center of Moscow quite recently due to the fact that an unscrupulous realtor was caught and the wife and 5 children of the former owner were registered in it. Therefore, although it is, of course, very inconvenient, he will temporarily stay with you.
Infantile personality traits
There may be an Alpha male in front of you, but at some point you notice his capricious claims to the waiter about cold coffee. They do not tolerate criticism, they are vindictive and petty.
How to check the chosen one
Stop paying for dinner parties, refuse another request for money, or report your own difficulties at work. Persistence and patience are not qualities of this type of man.
If he is really not clean on hand, as soon as he suspects you of financial instability, you will lose interest for him and he will look for a new victim.
Alena Tretyakova, family psychologist, female trainer @alena_tretjakova 90 140
90 000 Paul Ekman – photo, biography, personal life, news, psychology 2021
Paul Ekman is an American psychologist, Ph.D., a former professor at the University of California, who has devoted his life to the study of human emotions and the phenomenon of lying.A talented writer looking for an answer to the question of why people lie and how to recognize a deceiver, he created a methodology for teaching “magicians of the truth”, which is widely used in criminology and other spheres of public life.
Childhood and adolescence
Paul Ekman was born on February 15, 1934 in Washington, DC. His father was a therapist and his mother was a lawyer. Sister Joyce practiced psychology and worked in New York before retiring.
As a child, Ekman was an unusually capable child.Without graduating from high school, at the age of 15 he entered the University of Chicago, where in 3 years he received a bachelor’s degree in psychology. At the time, Paul was fascinated by group therapy sessions with students, including writer Susan Sontag, director Mike Nichols and actress Helen May.
This practice was the subject of the young Ekman’s first study at New York University under the supervision of Professor Margaret Tresselt.
Paul Ekman in his youth
In 1955, Paul completed his postgraduate studies at Adelphi University and received his doctorate in clinical psychology.His work was based on observations of patients at the Langley Porter Psychoneurological Institute and devoted to the study of facial expressions and body movements.
In 1958, Ekman was drafted into the army as a military psychologist, where, in addition to performing his direct duties, he monitored changes in the consciousness and behavior of infantrymen during basic combat training.
After completing his military service, Paul studied speech behavior in patients at the Palo Alto Veterans Hospital.In 1963, these studies helped the young scientist receive a grant from the National Institute of Mental Health (NiMH), which over the next 40 years funded Ekman’s projects to diagnose non-verbal behavior.
Paul Ekman in Papua New Guinea
Expanding his geographic scope, in 1965 Paul turned his interest in the area of cross-culture. First, he tracked the emotions and gestures of the inhabitants of the island of Bali through films filmed by anthropologist Gregory Bateson, and then went to Papua New Guinea to observe representatives of wild tribes.The result of 3 years of work was the confirmation of the Darwinian theory of the universality of facial expressions and the publication of a work entitled “Facial Movement Coding System”.
In 1967, Ekman, along with colleague and army friend Wally Friesen and psychologist Maureen O’Sullivan, became interested in the phenomenon of lying. The first discoveries in this area, scientists made in the process of observing the faces of patients with suicidal tendencies, trying to hide the motives of their own actions.
Paul Ekman on the podium
Paul combined his research work with teaching at the University of California at the Department of Psychiatry.There he led a project called The Wizard and studied the ability of people to detect lies. After testing 20,000 people from different walks of life, including representatives of the FBI and secret intelligence agencies, Ekman found that only 50 subjects were able to identify the deception with an accuracy of at least 80%.
Truth Wizards had a natural ability to recognize micro-expressions and detect inconsistencies in emotion, body language, and spoken word. At the end of the experiment, Paul continued to work with the test winners to answer the question: where does lie detection skill come from.
Psychologist Paul Ekman
In addition, a scientist-psychologist created a simulator for novice “wizards”, using which, each person could determine how competent he is in defining deception. The “Theory of Lies” became the work of the life of Ekman and his associates. The scientist has published many works devoted to this problem, and after leaving the professorship, he founded the Paul Ekman Group (PEG).
Books and films
Since 1957, Ekman began to publish his own research in the field of psychiatry and behavioral analysis.In the first publication, he described methods for measuring non-verbal communication developed during an internship at the Langley Porter Neuropsychiatric Institute. Paul found that the facial muscle movements that create facial expressions could be accurately identified through empirical research. In his opinion, people are able to reproduce more than 10 thousand facial expressions, 3 thousand of which are related to emotions.
Paul Ekman’s Books
In The Facial Movement Coding System, published in 1978 in collaboration with Wally Friesen, Paul described “emotional labels” among the peoples of Western and Eastern cultures, among which anger, humility, joy, sadness and some others were universal. …Based on this, the researchers have developed an anatomically grounded system that describes all visible facial movements during the manifestation of a particular emotion.
In 1990, the scientist supplemented the list with expressions encoded not only in facial muscles, but also in body movements and gestures. It included contempt, satisfaction, embarrassment, excitement, guilt, pride in achievement, relief, satisfaction, sensual pleasure, and shame.
In addition, Paul and a colleague have developed and described tools to identify the more subtle states that arise when one wants to suppress emotions.This has helped psychiatrists to “read” patients with Asperger’s and autism.
Two years earlier, Ekman created and published a famous test called Pictures of Facial Affect (POFA), which consisted of 110 black and white images illustrating 6 universal emotions and neutral expressions. Tested many times in people with varying degrees of psychiatric health, it has become widely used in medical practice around the world.
Test “Pictures of Facial Affect”
Mature works by Ekman are devoted to the “theory of lies”, in them the scientist was looking for answers to the questions: why people tell a lie, how to reveal a liar with the help of observations and which of people is capable of doing it.During this period, Paul wrote the books Why Children Lie, The Psychology of Lies, Recognize a Liar by Their Facial Expressions and others.
In 2008, Ekman published a dialogue with the great sage Dalai Lama XIV, where prominent representatives of Eastern and Western culture discuss burning topics and try to find answers to many philosophical questions. The Psychology of Balance has enriched readers’ knowledge of science and religion, emotional states, meditation practices for achieving emotional balance and ways to achieve joy.
Paul Ekman and the Dalai Lama
In the 2000s, Ekman’s popularity brought him to television. In 2001, Paul collaborated with British actor John Cleese on the BBC documentary series The Human Face. The aim of the project was to study the human face for family resemblance, physical attractiveness and the ability to express emotions without using words.
In 2009, the psychologist became the prototype for Lie To Me, the protagonist, Dr. Cal Lightman, who directed The Lightman Group, a collective of lie-discerning masters.The show, based in part on Ekman’s biography, started on Fox in 2009 and ran for 3 seasons. Paul was the production supervisor and personal advisor to Tim Roth, who starred in this television project.
Paul Ekman and Tim Roth
The series demonstrated the methods of identifying deception invented by Ekman, to some extent popularized his simulator, and also showed the limitless possibilities of applying the “theory of lies” to establish justice and the administration of justice.
In 2015, Paul assisted director Pete Docter on the animated film Puzzle. The scientist wrote a parenting guide on how to properly present an animated story so that children can understand their own emotions and the manifestations of feelings of fictional characters.
Little is known about Paul Ekman’s personal life. As a psychologist, he prefers to keep family relationships secret.
Paul Ekman and his wife Mary Ann Mason
In the introduction to Why Children Lie, the author mentions his adopted son Tony, who, as a teenager, deceived Paul and his wife Mary Ann Mason by throwing a rowdy party in a country house without their knowledge.In the middle of the work, there are also several chapters devoted to the author’s family, in which examples of relationships based on their own experience are considered.
Ekman has a daughter, Eva, who became a Ph.D. On the official website, the psychologist spoke about their joint work on the publication of the Atlas of Emotions with the support of the Dalai Lama, published in November 2018.
Paul Ekman now
Ekman is a practicing psychologist working for the Paul Ekman Group, which focuses on emotional training, behavioral analysis and other aspects of non-verbal psychology.
Paul Ekman in 2018
The founder and CEO of PEG is currently training employees under the Ekman Associate program. In the spring and autumn of 2019, Ekman plans to hold field seminars in England, where for 3 days he will teach those wishing to learn the skill of recognizing emotions and analyzing verbal and non-verbal behavioral signals.
- “Why do children lie”
- “Psychology of Lies”
- “Recognize a Liar by Facial Expression”
- “Psychology of Emotions”
- “Wisdom of the East and West”
– Filmography 2001 Human face “
90,000 Kings and brides – Weekly Kommersant
Another wedding in the Windsor family: Prince Harry, the youngest son of Crown Prince Charles, marries American actress Meghan Markle.65 million Britons and several hundred million residents of other countries will cuddle up to the screens in the hope of seeing a colorful and magnificent ceremony – and, of course, will not be deceived by expectations. But someone will surely wait for something completely different – embarrassment and blunders, without which, despite the strict rules governing royal weddings, such events are far from always possible.
The most expensive wedding
According to the magazine Bridebook, which specializes, as its name implies, in weddings and everything connected with them, the wedding of Harry and Megan will cost $ 2,760,974.These are, of course, only direct costs: the cost of the church ceremony, flowers, decorations and the reception itself, which Queen Elizabeth and Prince Charles will pay. The bride, by the way, is a fairly well-known actress and the girl is far from poor, she intends to pay for the wedding dress herself. An outfit from Ralph & Russo costs, according to the British tabloids, from $ 100,000 to $ 180,000. For comparison: the price of an average wedding dress in the UK is $ 2,100. However, Megan will probably pay much less than the actual cost of the outfit, because she will receive a decent discount: dressing the bride of the royal grandson for the wedding is an excellent advertisement for any couturier.
As for the British taxpayers, you will not envy them – they pay for security measures that will cost an order of magnitude more than the wedding itself. In the British press, different numbers are called, but without much risk of being mistaken, it can be argued that the measures will be quite comparable to those taken at the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. Then the account was $ 32 million.
On the one hand, Harry’s wedding in all respects is significantly inferior to his brother’s wedding, because Will, as the eldest son of Prince Charles is called, is second in line to the British throne, and Harry, after the recent birth of another nephew, has moved further away from the throne and is now only the sixth among the applicants.But, on the other hand, security measures for 100 thousand people who can come to Windsor Castle hoping to see the bride and groom with at least one eye will be taken more serious, because seven years ago the world and Great Britain were much calmer. Suffice it to recall here that the bride’s mother is African-American, and the groom has served in the British army for ten years, has twice been on business trips to Afghanistan and boasted that he had killed the Taliban.
However, a solid number of zeros does not cause much indignation even among the most frugal Britons.Firstly, the monarchy is highly respected here, and secondly, Harry’s wedding should bring about $ 680 million to the British economy thanks to the influx of tourists.
Despite the rough estimate of wedding expenses, it is interesting to compare Harry’s wedding with other royal weddings. CBS News estimates that, for example, the wedding of Prince Charles and Princess Diana, then Diana Spencer’s lady, in July 1981 was worth about $ 70 million in today’s prices.
In terms of expenses, the eldest son of Queen Elizabeth II is far from Sheikh Mohammed bin Zayed al-Nahyan, Crown Prince of Abu Dhabi: the cost of the wedding of Muhammad and Salama in the same 1981, for which he rented a 20,000-seat stadium and which lasted a week, is estimated $ 100 million
And the most expensive for five and a half centuries has been the marriage of Charles the Bold, Duke of Burgundy, who married Margaret of York, sister of the English kings Edward IV and Richard III.
Now this wedding would probably be called the wedding of the century. Scotsman estimates it is worth $ 200 million at current prices.
The wedding of Karl and Margaret took place in early July 1468 in Bruges, where princes, noble dignitaries and church prelates gathered from all over Europe. It lasted ten days and consisted of countless parades, balls and banquets.The celebration was accompanied by an indispensable attribute of those times – knightly tournaments, in which the most famous knights of Europe took part. Their armor and weapons were adorned with gold and silver and shone in the sun, as did the harness of their horses, covered with gilded blankets. By the way, the groom himself took part in the tournament, who was nicknamed the Courageous for a reason.
The wedding of Charles the Bold and Margaret of York is still the most expensive royal wedding in history
Photo: Leemage / DIOMEDIA
As noted by numerous chroniclers and eyewitnesses, the most impressive event of the multi-day celebrations was the entry into Bruges of the future duchess.She was accompanied by an imposing retinue – no less than one and a half thousand people – in brocade and velvet. A crowd of trumpeters and heralds loudly announced the arrival of the bride. The procession moved slowly from the city gates to the ducal palace along the carpeted streets. Margarita wore an ermine-trimmed gown. Her blond head was crowned with a crown adorned with numerous diamonds and pearls (the crown has survived and is now in Aachen).
The walls of houses, past which the procession passed, were decorated with banners and tapestries, and flowers stood in the windows.From behind them peeped out spectators who paid the owners of the houses a crown, a lot of money at that time. Everyone wanted to see the bride of a duke who surpassed many European kings in strength and wealth. Charles ordered that fountains be erected throughout the city, from which wine poured free day and night. Red and white wine flowed from the bows of the stone archers who guarded the entrance to the ducal palace. In the center of the courtyard stood a gilded pelican, from whose chest poured wine and honey.
All the way to the palace, Margarita and her retinue and numerous spectators were entertained by theatrical performances and pantomimes, in which more than 75 actors and dancers from all over the Netherlands took part.That memorable day was only somewhat darkened by the bad weather: the wind blowing from the North Sea drove clouds, it often rained.
Despite the bad weather, Margaret of York’s entry into Bruges was so lush that it quickly became a legend. Now it is regularly recreated in modern Bruges by actors and ordinary people dressed in medieval clothes.
Lavish banquets were held in the palace every day. The ceiling of the main hall was draped with white and blue silks. Many eyewitnesses did not have enough words to describe the abundance of food served, wines and gold, silver and bronze dishes that cost a fortune.
Learn from the mistakes of others
Of course, Harry and Meghan’s wedding will not receive as much attention as the wedding of his older brother, but it would be good for him to be careful not to repeat the mistakes made by other eminent couples at the altar. For example, he and Megan should be very careful with the wedding ring so as not to make the mistake of Kate, William’s wife. She wanted the ring to fit snugly on her finger, and therefore chose a ring slightly smaller than the usual size.As a result, the groom had to work hard at the altar, putting it on the bride’s finger. Since then, by the way, according to close friends of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, the story of the “naughty” ring is often the subject of jokes in the conversations of the spouses.
The wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton was also remembered for the ring that did not want to fit the bride’s finger
There is a danger of making a mistake with the size of not only the ring but also the wedding dress.Here we recall a much older story – Queen Marie Antoinette, wife of the French king Louis XVI. The royal tailor made a mistake with the size: the wedding dress was not enough. The error was discovered too late. Despite all the efforts, the ladies-in-waiting could not manage to eliminate the gap between the rows of diamonds on the bride’s back. To avoid more embarrassment, we had to urgently drape the gap with another cloth.
At the wedding of Louis XVI and Marie-Antoinette, the bride did not button the dress
Photo: Granger / DIOMEDIA
By the way, that wedding in Vienna was also remembered by the absence of … a groom.At the altar, Louis was replaced by his elder brother Ferdinand. Marie Antoinette met her husband a few weeks later at Versailles. The second wedding took place on May 16, 1770. The bride “distinguished herself” once again by putting a large blot on the marriage contract, which half covered her long name.
But back to our time. Prince Harry should remember another mistake of his older brother: on the eve of his own wedding, Prince William slept, as he himself admitted in an interview, only half an hour and, naturally, the next day the whole ceremony was sleepy and often yawned.
And Harry should also learn the text of the wedding vow better, so as not to stumble at the altar, as his father did when he married Diana Spencer.
Megan shouldn’t relax either: blunders, as you know, happen to brides as well. For example, Diana confused the name of Charles during her oaths. True, in fairness, it should be recalled that, firstly, of course, she was very worried, and secondly, the groom, as befits the crown prince, has an overly long name. Not surprisingly, in this state, Diana called him “Philip Charles” instead of “Charles Philip”.
Diana’s wedding dress did not go smoothly either. Taffeta, as it soon became clear, is not very suitable for a carriage ride. In addition, she did not take into account that the almost eight-meter train is difficult to fit in the carriage. As a result, when the bride entered St. Paul’s Cathedral, the dress was hopelessly crumpled.
Princess Diana’s wedding dress did not fit in the carriage
Photo: Getty Images
Queen Elizabeth II, obviously, will give Megan a tiara on her wedding day.On the eve of the ceremony, it is better for the bride to check her, so as not to get into a mess, as happened to Elizabeth herself, then the crown princess, at her own wedding on November 20, 1947.
This is the famous tiara made for Queen Mary in 1919.
On the morning of the wedding day, the tiara broke in the hands of the hairdresser who was styling the bride’s hair.
Accompanied by a reinforced police squad, the jewel was urgently taken to the royal jewelers. In the House of Garrard jewelry workshop, the tiara was repaired and delivered back before the ceremony.By the way, Princess Anne, daughter of Elizabeth, who got married in the same tiara, everything went without an emergency.
On the eve of the wedding, Elizabeth II almost found herself without a tiara, which was barely repaired before the ceremony began
Photo: Keystone Pictures USA / DIOMEDIA
Meghan Markle will probably manage to keep calm so as not to repeat the mistake of one of her distant predecessors, Princess Augusta of Saxe-Gotha.Marrying the heir to the British throne, Prince Frederick of Wales, in 1736, Augusta was so agitated that she vomited right into her future mother-in-law, Queen Caroline, wife of King George II of England. Despite this embarrassment, the ceremony continued as if nothing had happened, to the sounds of a wedding hymn specially written by Handel “Sing unto God”.
This, by the way, was a typical royal marriage, not for love, but for convenience. After the difficult marriage between England and Prussia was upset, the crown prince agreed to marry anyone in order to receive additional support from parliament and gain financial independence from his father.
During the visit of the English royal couple to Hanover, Caroline advised her husband to go to the Duchy of Saxe-Gotha to see the princesses who lived there. George II followed her advice and found Princess Augusta, by the way, the second cousin of the Russian Empress Catherine II, quite suitable for the role of the daughter-in-law, who was eventually to become Queen of Britain. Negotiations between George and Duke Frederick II of Saxe-Gotha-Altenburg did not last long. The duke, of course, could not refuse the offer of the powerful English king.It is not difficult to understand him – Augusta was … the 15th child in a row. In total, he had 18 children, of whom only nine survived – seven sons and two daughters.
The British Crown Prince, for his part, also agreed with his father’s choice. The fate of Frederick and Augusta was sealed. Despite the choice of George II, August was hardly a suitable candidate for the role of the Princess of Wales. The princess was 16 years old, and she did not know either English or French. She was advised to take an accelerated language course, but Magdalena Augusta of Anhalt-Zerbst, her mother, considered it unnecessary because the British royal family was from Germany and all of them knew German perfectly.She was right. During the wedding ceremony, Queen Caroline translated everything for the bride.
The young princess’s excitement was understandable. Her future husband, who was 13 years older than her, she first saw on April 25, 1736 in Greenwich, where she arrived on the royal yacht “William and Mary”. There was no time to get to know the future spouse better – the wedding took place on May 8 at the Royal Chapel of St James’s Palace in London.
Before the wedding, Princess Augusta of Saxe-Gotha was almost unfamiliar with her fiancé, Prince of Wales Frederick
Photo: Print Collector / Getty Images
By the way, despite such an unpromising beginning, the marriage turned out to be quite successful.Frederick and Augusta had nine sons and daughters. The last daughter, Caroline Matilda, was born three months after the unexpected death of her father in 1751.
Hatred at first sight
Let us recall the most scandalous wedding in the history of the Windsor family – Prince George of Wales, who became the British king in 1820 under the name George IV, and the German princess Caroline of Braunschweig, by the way, his cousin. Here, unfortunately, the omens were not deceived.
Caroline was the daughter of Karl Wilhelm Ferdinand of Brunswick, who ruled the German principality of Braunschweig-Wolfenbüttel, and the British princess Augusta, the eldest daughter of the aforementioned Frederick and Augusta.
George received the unofficial title “First Gentleman of England” for his excellent education and ability to win over interlocutors. However, his obnoxious nature and extravagant behavior clearly did not live up to the nickname. This discrepancy was especially evident in his personal life.
A big fan of female beauty, Georg did not want to marry his cousin Caroline, a woman, to put it mildly, not very beautiful. And he burst into tears in front of the courtiers, when no one supported his objections to this marriage. The future king agreed to marry only after the promise of his father, King George III, to help him pay off his debts, which amounted to a huge amount at that time – £ 630 thousand
Alas, hopes for the resolution of financial problems remained hopes. Georg was very unhappy when parliament raised his post-marriage allowance to £ 125,000., but decided to withdraw from them to pay off debts £ 65 thousand, plus £ 13 thousand income from the Duchy of Cornwall. In general, having become a family man, the crown prince only worsened his financial situation: as a bachelor, he received £ 78 thousand, and after the wedding only £ 60 thousand
The young people hated each other from the very first meeting. Georg, disappointed by the bride’s appearance and the smell of sweat emanating from her, poured a large glass of brandy into his sadness. Caroline also found aesthetic claims to her future husband: one of her ladies-in-waiting, she complained that the prince was much more beautiful in the portrait than in life.In addition, over time it turned out that Georg was already secretly married to Maria Fitzherbert, who was six years older than him.
Scandals in the family of Prince George of Wales and Princess Caroline of Braunschweig began right at the wedding
Photo: Alamy / DIOMEDIA
Further – more. The groom was late for his own wedding, which took place on April 8, 1795 at the Royal Chapel of St James’s Palace. He nearly fell as he climbed the steps to the altar, and refused to pronounce the marriage vows until the king scolded him.To top it all off, the prince was so drunk that he could hardly keep his feet. The three best men repeatedly had to grab him by the arms to keep him from falling. At the same time, the groom looked not at the bride, but at his then mistress, Lady Jersey. Relations with her, by the way, lasted until 1798, when he returned to Maria Fitzherbert.
Caroline also had problems at the ceremony.
The silvery velvet wedding dress adorned with jewels and ermine was so heavy that she could hardly stand in it, let alone walk.
The first wedding night almost ended in fiasco. The Prince of Wales came to his wife drunk as a shoemaker and settled himself on the bedroom floor in front of the fireplace. Waking up at dawn and remembering his duties, Georg fulfilled his marital duty.
Such a turbulent start did not bode well. And so it happened – after the birth of their only child, Charlotte Augusta, on January 7, 1796, George actually left his wife. In his hatred of her, he went so far that he even took away his own wedding gift – pearl bracelets – and gave it to Lady Jersey, who always wore them in the presence of Caroline to annoy her once again.
The mistress appointed by George as his wife’s maid of honor did everything to upset this marriage. By the way, she herself persuaded Georg to choose a cousin from all the applicants, a short, awkward and sloppy girl. Caroline, offended by her husband’s indifference and mistreatment, made mistake after mistake. Her scandalous behavior further increased the alienation between her and her husband and destroyed her reputation.
For the next nearly quarter of a century, Georg tirelessly searched for divorce opportunities.Caroline, despite mutual hatred, opposed divorce. He forbade her to raise her daughter and only allowed her to see the girl occasionally in the presence of a nanny, and bequeathed the property to his mistress. Father-in-law felt sorry for Caroline, but his health was rapidly deteriorating. The prince’s hands were finally untied after George III was officially declared incapacitated on February 6, 1811 due to insanity. For the next almost ten years, until the death of his father, George officially acted as regent and ruled the kingdom.
Of course, the British knew about the turbulent life of the Prince Regent. Most of his subjects condemned him for extravagance, and the Princess of Wales was considered an unfairly offended wife. Thanks to Caroline, George IV became one of the most unpopular kings in the history of England.
To some extent, probably envying the popularity of his wife, George ordered parliament to officially approve their divorce, accusing her of … infidelity. Caroline was very attached to the little boy she adopted and raised.The princess’s ill-wishers claimed that it was her son from one of the many lovers. The lower house refused to approve the divorce, but the failure did not stop Georg from continuing to put pressure on his wife. She eventually left the country in the summer of 1814 and went to Italy, where her behavior, and in particular her romance with a servant named Bartolomeo Pergami, was even more controversial than in Britain. In the Apennines, Carolina in the fall of 1817 accidentally found out about the death of her daughter. When a courier stopped at her house on the way to Rome, broke the news, she fainted.
Georg resumed attempts to force parliament to recognize him as a free man. Caroline, meanwhile, traveled to Europe. In these trips, she was caught by the news of the death of her father-in-law on January 29, 1820, and that she had become Queen of the British Empire. Alas, this only complicated her situation. Caroline returned to Britain for her coronation, but George forbade her to attend the ceremony at Westminster Abbey. The ban caused unrest in London.
This failure finally crippled the strength and health of Carolina.Two weeks after her coronation, on August 7, 1821, she died at the age of 53 from a mysterious gastroenterological disease. It is possible that the cause of death was intestinal obstruction, but it is possible that she had cancer. Naturally, it was not without conspiracy theories, according to which she was poisoned on the orders of her husband.
The throne could not resist true love
The exact opposite of this marriage was another Anglo-German alliance – between the niece of George IV, Queen Victoria, and the German prince of Saxe-Coburg-Gotha Albert.The marriage was happy, probably because Victoria herself chose her husband and they had time to get to know each other. By the time of Albert’s untimely death in 1861, they had nine children, who eventually became related with representatives of many European royal houses.
Among Victoria’s 42 grandchildren were the kings of Greece, Norway and Romania, numerous German princes and grand dukes.
In the history of the Windsor family there is a romantic and touching story of another Prince of Wales, who sacrificed the crown for the love of a woman.Edward VIII, who was baptized with the original name Edward Albert Christian Georg Andrew Patrick David, became King of Great Britain, Ireland, British Dominions and Emperor of India in January 1936, but in March 1937 he abdicated the throne. The love for an American woman named Wallis Simpson was to blame for everything.
“I have found it impossible … to fulfill my duties as king without the help and support of the woman I love,” Edward declared in his act of abdication.
Edward met Wallis in New York in 1934.The novel developed at a dizzying speed. Two years later, after the death of his father, George V, Edward announced his intention to marry Wallis, who at the time was divorcing her second husband. However, parliament and government did not believe that a divorced American woman was the right match for the man who ruled the British Empire and led the Church of England.
Edward VIII renounced the crown to marry Wallis Simpson
Photo: Heritage Images / Getty Images
Edward was adamant.The throne went to his younger brother, the Duke of York, who became King George VI. Wallis Simpson became an officially free woman a few months after Edward’s abdication, in May 1937. They married the same month and lived quite happily until Edward’s death in 1972.
Marriage is stronger than war
Today, the representatives of the Windsor family, judging by the sons of Prince Charles, who chose commoners as wives, as in the song, really can do anything. Although even a hundred years ago, marriages between representatives of royal families, including, of course, the Windsors, were committed in strict accordance with strict laws and regulations and were a powerful instrument of global politics, often exceeding the effectiveness of bloody wars.
Prior to World War I, marriages of convenience predominated in royal families. An ideal example of such a diplomatic union is the history of marriages between representatives of the royal houses of Austria and Hungary. The Holy Roman Emperor and Archduke of Austria Maximilian I and the King of Hungary and Bohemia (modern Bohemia) Vladislav II (Ulaslo II) entered into a complex matrimonial agreement in 1506. The spouses were to become Ferdinand, the grandson of Maximilian and the son of the Spanish king Philip I, and Anna, the daughter of Vladislav, as well as the very little sister of Ferdinand, Maria, and the child, whom Vladislav’s wife was carrying at the time of signing the agreement, provided, of course, that she would give birth son.
On the engraving by Hans Burgkmair, the royal marriage (of Emperor Maximilian I and daughter of Charles the Bold Mary) is just a mechanism in the “wheel of the state”
Photo: Hulton Archive / Getty Images
The agreement was extremely important: just a decade and a half before its conclusion, the bloody war between Austria and Hungary ended, during which the Hungarians seized Vienna and a substantial part of the Austrian possessions for several years.However, the implementation of the agreements depended not only on the wishes of Maximilian and Vladislav. Not only was the birth of a boy supposed to be – the parties to the agreement still had to live up to marriageable age. And given the medical and hygienic conditions of the early 16th century, it was not so easy: infant mortality was also high among royal children.
Nevertheless, Vladislav and especially Maximilian were lucky. The wife of the Hungarian king, Anne de Foix, gave birth to a son, who at the age of ten became King of Hungary and Bohemia under the name Louis II (Lajos II).All parties to the marriage contract safely survived the most dangerous period – early childhood, although Louis was a very weak child, and many doubted that he would survive.