8 Signs Of Oldest Child Syndrome And How To Deal With It

Pay attention to signs and help your child develop healthy relations with their siblings.

Image: iStock

Have you heard about the oldest child syndrome? According to Alfred Adler’s Birth Order Theory, one’s personality and who one becomes as an individual is influenced by the order they come in the family (1). Although the theory has been challenged repeatedly, a few characteristics stated for oldest, middle, and youngest children remain consistent, and oldest child syndrome is one characteristic that is usually spoken about.

The birth order, family’s situation, a combination of these, and other factors play a major role in shaping the child’s personality and its development. Read this post to understand about oldest child syndrome.

What Is Oldest Child Syndrome?

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Have you noticed your oldest child getting unexpectedly competitive with their younger sibling or throwing a tantrum out of jealousy? Do they show dominance or boss around their younger siblings? These may be signs of oldest child syndrome in your firstborn.

With most firstborns across the world, the birth of their sibling brings a normal transition in their lives. From being the “only child” of their parents, they are now dethroned and have to share their parent’s love and attention with their younger siblings. This transition can be stressful and may cause a developmental crisis for many children (2). It could be the root cause of sibling rivalry, jealousy and a traumatic experience for the firstborns (1).

Though there are pros and cons of being the oldest child, certain behaviors and personality characteristics can give rise to the oldest child syndrome.

8 Characteristics Or Signs Of Oldest Child Syndrome

The oldest child in a family experiences some emotions. While some of these characteristics are good, a few characteristics may not be healthy for their personality.

1. They might want to lead and dominate

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Firstborn children are thrust into a leadership position when their younger siblings arrive. Leading and helping their younger siblings and showing maturity become a part of their identity (3). But if they become dominating instead of leading, it becomes a sign of the oldest child syndrome.

Trivia

A study found that firstborns are more likely to become CEOs (7). Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos, and Richard Branson are a few exemplars.

2. They might have a constant urge to be perfect

A study conducted in 2008 states that the firstborns tend to be perfectionists and have higher standards (4). They can also be called ‘achievers.’ It is fine until they know their limits. If they become aggressive or depressed when they cannot achieve success or when their sibling wins, it becomes an unhealthy trait.

3. They might have the pressure of parent’s expectations

Due to their constant urge to be perfect and tendency to please their parents, older children have greater academic pressure than their younger siblings. Also, parents expect their oldest children to be a role model for their younger siblings in every aspect, including academics (5). The pressure from the parents and the need to excel and gain constant recognition could take them into a zone where they cannot accept failure, which could become problematic in their later years.

4. They may have high self-esteem

According to Adler’s theory and multiple studies in recent times, it has been found that older children tend to have higher self-esteem and confidence (6). It helps them in their academic performance and professionalism but may not be helpful in social life. High self-esteem could also lead to ego problems and resentment, and if they are not humble and do not have gratitude, others might not accept them.

Expert says

Kevin Leman, Ph.D., author of The Birth Order Book: Why You Are the Way You Are, says, “Since firstborns follow their parents’ lead, they like taking charge as they have no older siblings to rag them” (8).

Related: 7 Tips To Build Self-Esteem In Children & Activities To Do

5. They might develop an unhealthy competitive attitude

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When the sibling rivalry and jealousy on the sibling’s arrival is not handled properly by parents, the firstborn can hold it as a grudge against their parents or their younger sibling. This creates unhealthy competition between the siblings even after growing up—a sign of the oldest child syndrome.

6. They might become obsessive

The oldest child becomes a protector of the younger ones. It is a good quality until it turns extreme and they start to exercise authority over them.

If you find your child going overboard trying to make something perfect to the level of obsession, it is unhealthy for them and the younger siblings. Even the younger children may get used to the protection and become dependent, while the oldest ones could lose themselves to their siblings and become obsessive.

7. They may act as a second-parent to their siblings

When parents have their second child, they encourage their firstborns to care for their younger siblings. Often, this parenting strategy can give rise to a sibling bond where the firstborn becomes a second-parent figure to the younger sibling. Some oldest children may develop parental feelings and responsibility towards their younger siblings, evident in their personalities and behavior. It goes smooth until the attachment is within boundaries. Otherwise, it could be harmful to both. They might expect the younger sibling to start obeying them like they obey their parents.

8. They might become controlling

In their quest for perfection and achievements, first born children may develop a tendency to control everything around them, including their younger siblings. Their inherent tendency to lead and the power to act as a second-parent to their younger siblings can be the reason why some oldest children become overly controlling.

Quick fact

A study found that the oldest child prioritizes their family more than their siblings (9).

Related: 5 Ways To Handle your Out-Of-Control Teenager

How Can the Oldest Child Overcome This Syndrome?

Dr. Howard Pratt, DO, behavioral health medical director at Community Health of South Florida, Inc., says, “It’s important not to put a label on a child. If you are going to have a firstborn seen by a mental health professional, it’s important to go in without preconceptions that this child will have all of these symptoms just because they were born first. ”

If you notice your oldest child demonstrating some characteristics of oldest child syndrome, here are some ways by which you can help them overcome.

1. Have moderate expectations from firstborn

Intentionally or unintentionally, the explosion of expectations from firstborns can put a huge amount of pressure on them. If your firstborn shows traits of being people-pleaser, they might also feel extremely bad or miserable when they fail.

Though this characteristic develops from a firstborn’s tendency for perfectionism, you must encourage and praise them even when they fail. Allow them to fail at times and teach them how to accept this failure gracefully.

2. Provide ample opportunities
   

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Most parents expect their first child to be more of a role model for their younger siblings, but little do they realize the number of responsibilities they are putting on them.

Do not overburden your firstborn with responsibilities, instead provide them ample opportunities to grow. At the same time, it is okay to encourage them to develop leadership skills, value independence, and teach them not to become too bossy or dominating.

3. Spend time with them alone

Irrespective of the number of children you have, make time for each child. The oldest children must be spoken to in a casual and friendly way. You can take an interest in their friends, school work, classmates, share memories of your childhood, and speak to them about their plans.

Doing so gives them a sense of confidence and trust and makes them realize that despite their younger siblings, their parents love them equally.

Related: 12 Fun Weekend Activities To Do With Your Family

4. Provide special privileges to them
   

   Image: Shutterstock

One of the many situations that the oldest children face is a more-focused upbringing because first-time parents put all their attention towards this child. This might make their upbringing tough after the arrival of their siblings. To balance this out, you must give your eldest child some special privileges, such as late bedtime, longer playtime after school, and having a say in a few discussions. Set some rules for all your children and give some special privileges to each of your children. This evens out any biases that your children might have in their minds.

1. How being the oldest child affects personality?

The oldest child in a family is usually under more pressure, making them more anxious and serious. Parents usually look up to them to take care of their younger siblings, making them more responsible. When the second child is born, parents’ attention shifts to them, making the oldest child independent.

Dr. Pratt observes, “Birth order is not a great determinant of personality. The family dynamics at the time of birth and after that are more likely to affect a child’s personality. The environment in which the child grows up allows them to develop and define their personality. ”

2. Are oldest children more attractive?

The birth order may not determine the attractiveness of a child. However, the older child can be more serious and responsible. The younger children, on the other hand, tend to be carefree and more relaxed. Nonetheless, it cannot be generalized, and every child has unique personality traits.

3. Are there any gender differences in how the oldest child syndrome manifests?

No proven data shows unique gender differences in how the oldest child syndrome appears. However, there may be some gender differences in how it manifests based mainly on societal expectations and cultural norms, which can vary across different cultures and periods. For instance, the oldest daughters may be expected to assume caregiving roles like caring for younger siblings. In contrast, the oldest sons may be expected to take leadership roles in the family and be role models for younger siblings.

4. Is oldest child syndrome recognized by psychologists and other experts?

Oldest child syndrome is not a recognized diagnostic term in psychology. However, psychologists and other experts agree that birth order may impact personality traits and behaviors (4).

5. How does the oldest child syndrome affect romantic relationships and family dynamics?

Research indicates that individuals with the oldest child syndrome are more inclined to form close bonds with others who share their birth order. Additionally, firstborns tend to display a greater sense of responsibility, which is integral to a relationship. Furthermore, oldest children often develop nurturing qualities due to their role in caring for younger siblings. Therefore, they may exhibit caregiving behaviors and prioritize the needs of their partners. However, if the oldest child becomes overly focused on caretaking and neglects their own needs, it may also lead to potential imbalances in the relationship (10) (11).

Oldest child syndrome comprises the behavioral changes exhibited by your firstborn after the birth of their younger sibling. They may show dominating tendencies, develop an unhealthy competitive attitude, and become controlling. However, these changes in their behavior and emotions are natural and experienced by most older siblings. Try the tips mentioned here to help your child overcome their insecurities. Further, spend whatever spare time you have with them, and ensure you give them your undivided attention. If you feel you are unable to help your child, you could seek help from professionals.

Key Pointers

• Obsession, desire for perfection, high self-esteem, or pressure to meet parents’ expectations are common signs of oldest child syndrome.
• Children with oldest child syndrome could show dominance and act as second parents to siblings.
• You can help the child overcome it by not expecting much from them, paying special attention, and spending time with them.

If you have more than one child in your family you may wonder what an Old Child Syndrome is. Watch this informative video to learn about Oldest Child Syndrome and how it can affect your child’s behavior.

References:

MomJunction’s articles are written after analyzing the research works of expert authors and institutions. Our references consist of resources established by authorities in their respective fields. You can learn more about the authenticity of the information we present in our editorial policy.

1. 1. Julia Badger and Peter Reddy; The effects of birth order on personality traits and feelings of academic sibling rivalry.
      https://files.eric.ed.gov/fulltext/EJ860620.pdf
   2. Brenda L. Volling; Family Transitions Following the Birth of a Sibling: An Empirical Review of Changes in the Firstborn’s Adjustment.
      https://files.eric.ed.gov/fulltext/EJ860620.pdf
   3. Why firstborns are more likely to become leaders.
      https://www.weforum.org/agenda/2015/07/why-firstborns-are-more-likely-to-become-leaders/
   4. How Birth Order Impacts Personality.
      https://online.jwu.edu/blog/how-birth-order-impacts-your-personality
   5. Alissa Jo Combs-Draughn; The impact of psychological birth order on academic achievement and motivation.
      https://scholarworks.waldenu.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=3632&context=dissertations
   6. Dotto Nhandi; Siblings’ Birth Order Interaction and Self-esteem Development: Forgotten Social Setting for e-Health Delivery in Tanzania?
      https://www.ijern.com/journal/2017/January-2017/05.pdf
   7. CEOs More Likely to be Firstborn Children.
      https://www.nysscpa.org/article-content/ceos-more-likely-to-be-firstborn-children-081519#sthash.ckSTAAIP.dpbs
   8. Does Birth Order Affect Personality?
      https://www.parents.com/baby/development/sibling-issues/how-birth-order-shapes-personality/
   9. Michele Van Volkom et al.; Sibling Relationships Birth Order and Personality among Emerging Adults
      http://jpbsnet.com/journals/jpbs/Vol_5_No_2_December_2017/3.pdf
   10. Salmon Catherine; Birth Order and Relationships
       https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s12110-003-1017-x#
   11. Hartshorne, J. K., Salem-Hartshorne, N., & Hartshorne, T. S.; Birth order effects in the formation of long-term relationships
       https://www.researchgate.net/publication/221658654_Birth_order_effects_in_the_formation_of_long-term_relationships

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What is ‘eldest daughter syndrome’ and how can we fix it?

Have you heard of “eldest daughter syndrome”? It’s the emotional burden eldest daughters tend to take on (and are encouraged to take on) in many families from a young age.

From caring for younger siblings, helping out with everyday chores, looking after sick parents to sorting shopping orders or online deliveries, eldest daughters often shoulder a heavy but invisible burden of domestic responsibility from a young age.

What’s wrong with that? You might ask, shouldn’t the eldest children, who are supposed to be more grown-up, help out and look after their younger siblings? Aren’t girls “naturally” better at caring? These popular assumptions are so entrenched that they can make it difficult for us to see the problem.

But #EldestDaughterSyndrome is now trending on TikTok, with adolescent girls speaking out about the unfair amount of unpaid (and unappreciated) labour they do in their families, as well as discussing its adverse effects on their lives, health and wellbeing.

Of course, the “syndrome” has existed for centuries across many parts of the world. So why is it now being spoken about as such an issue?

This article is part of Quarter Life, a series about issues affecting those of us in our twenties and thirties. From the challenges of beginning a career and taking care of our mental health, to the excitement of starting a family, adopting a pet or just making friends as an adult. The articles in this series explore the questions and bring answers as we navigate this turbulent period of life.

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Despite women’s rise in education and employment, they still shoulder the lion’s share of housework. Indeed, progress towards gender equality in the workplace has not translated into gender equality at home. And eldest daughter syndrome can go some way to explain why this is the case.

‘ Just look after your brother will you.’
Pexels/olia danilevich

Research shows that children make a notable but often overlooked contribution to domestic labour. Mirroring the gender divide among adults, girls between five and 14 years old spend 40% more time on domestic work than boys.

Following a patriarchal pecking order, the eldest daughter often bears the brunt of the burden among her siblings.

As voiced by many on TikTok, the syndrome can impair eldest daughters’ wellbeing and “steal” their childhood as they are rushed into assuming a disproportionate amount of adult responsibilities – also known as parentification. In doing so, it reproduces gender inequality in domestic labour from one generation to another.

Why it happens

At least three behavioural theories underlie eldest daughter syndrome and they are often simultaneously at play, reinforcing one another.

First, the role modelling theory, which suggests that eldest daughters often follow their mother as a role model in learning to “do” gender. Second, the sex-typing theory proposes that parents often assign different, gendered tasks to girls and boys.

Sex-typing often builds on parents’ gendered understanding of domestic work as something associated with femininity. For parents who consciously strive to instil gender equality in their children, sex-typing can still occur as eldest daughters unconsciously join their mothers in gendered activities such as cooking, house cleaning and shopping.

And third, the labour substitution theory suggests that when working mothers have limited time available for domestic work, eldest daughters often act as “substitutes”. As a result, they end up spending more time on care provision and housework.

Consequently, mothers’ progress towards gender equality at work can come at the cost of their eldest daughters picking up the domestic slack at a young age.

Older siblings often end up helping with homework.
Pexels/august de richelieu

As we look further afield, the issue of eldest daughter syndrome has far-reaching implications for global gender inequality and an ongoing global care crisis.

In the Philippines, for example, many mothers migrate to the US, the Middle East and Europe to work as domestic workers.

Their work helps free their clients from domestic gender inequality to some extent through domestic outsourcing. But back in the Philippines, the women’s eldest daughters often have to step up as “surrogate” mothers and run the household.

In this process, eldest daughter syndrome reproduces domestic gender inequality across generations and offloads such inequality from one part of the world to another.

What can we do?

The “cure” might seem simple – we need families to recognise the unfair burden that may have been placed on the eldest daughter and to redistribute household responsibilities more equally.

Yet, doing so is far from straightforward. It requires male family members in particular to step up their contribution to domestic work. In turn, it requires us to “undo” centuries of thinking about housework and care as something gendered and “feminine”.

To achieve that, we need to first recognise the problem that domestic labour, particularly labour performed by children and eldest daughters, which goes largely unseen, unpaid and under-valued.

In the 2023 UK Budget, the £4 billion investment in extending childcare coverage sheds some light on the sheer economic value of childcare, which, although massive, represents only a tiny fraction of the extensive range of domestic responsibilities disproportionately shouldered by women and often eldest daughters.

But we can’t change something we can’t see. This is why being more aware of eldest daughter syndrome, not only as an individual struggle but also as an issue of gender inequality, is a good start.

Older child syndrome

The second baby in the family is always new challenges not only for parents, but also for the older child. Sometimes this is manifested by open aggression, which frightens or annoys mom and dad. However, often jealousy is not expressed so clearly. Often these are hidden manifestations.

Children can keep emotions inside themselves, trying to “digest” everything on their own. Outwardly, they follow all the instructions of their parents, play with the baby and try to take care of him. However, the following signs of trouble may occur:

• The child stops going to the potty or begins to urinate in his sleep, although this was not a problem before.
• The child peels off the skin from the lips, bites his nails, scratches his own skin, bites his cheek from the inside, itches for no apparent reason.
• Groundless whims and hysterics appear.
• Sleep is disturbed, the child complains of nightmares, wakes up screaming or crying in the middle of the night.
• Obsessive movements (tics) or stuttering appear.
• The older child self-isolates, avoids physical contact, plays all the time by himself.

It is important to understand that children are not supposed to love each other. For example, imagine how a husband brings another wife into the house and wants the first one to take care of her in every possible way.

Child psychologists advise accepting the feelings of an older child as they are – this is his right to be jealous, offended and not wanting to share attention. Do not be scolded for every misconduct. It is necessary to treat the child with understanding and sympathy, to pronounce every emotion. In addition, it is still necessary to build rules of conduct that exclude physical violence against the youngest.

To avoid trouble when a second baby appears at home, it is recommended that the older child be prepared for the appearance of a brother or sister. To do this, you can often view his own childhood photos, watch themed cartoons, read relevant books.

Be sure to pay attention to the older child while the younger one is sleeping. Each of them should spend time alone with their parents and feel equal in the family.

Children should not be left alone until the youngest reaches 2-3 years. Parents are responsible for their safety during this period.

Also, relatives should not be allowed to devalue the emotions of any of the children, compare them and impose any stereotypes of behavior.

The main thing is to reduce the overall level of anxiety in the family. To do this, relax together more often, play, walk and be happy.

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Sharing responsibility for nutritionSee all articles in what order he was born. And no matter how parents claim that they are equally fair to all their heirs, the attitude towards the eldest son differs from the attitude towards the youngest daughter. This is also confirmed by psychologists.

“There are indeed personality differences between brothers and sisters. The child’s behavior is explained by a certain role in the family, which parents, without realizing it, actively support, “Frank Sulloway, Ph. D. and author of Born to Rebel, says.

Do you want to know how the older child differs from the middle and younger?

First-born

This child receives all the attention of parents, grandparents and other relatives, bathed in love and care until his privileged position is violated by the appearance of a brother or sister. Which, of course, will affect his behavior.

“Because they look up to their parents, firstborns are responsible and confident,” says Kevin Lehman, Ph.D., author of Why You Are The Way You Are. “He doesn’t have an older brother or sister to tease him when the kid is learning to do something (tie his shoelaces, ride a bike).”

Parents who are not yet experienced in matters of upbringing, literally every movement of the baby is new to them, they are happy to watch how he grows and develops, rejoice in his success. At the same time, many mothers and fathers treat their first child strictly, in an adult way, so as not to spoil him. All this contributes to the fact that the child grows serious, independent, diligent.

It is easy for ambitious firstborns to become perfectionists. They learn from their parents and try to do everything just as well. They do not like to make mistakes, it is easier for them to refuse to complete the task than to do it wrong.

The other side of the perfectionist’s “medal” is that it is difficult for them to admit their mistakes or wrong. Often older children are too fixated on themselves. Parents who are inexperienced in upbringing can show excessive care, exactingness, and strictness towards their first child, and this contributes to the development of the “older child syndrome” in him. Since childhood, he has been trying to become better, to meet expectations to the detriment of his interests.

How to raise an older child

• Don’t demand achievement lower your expectations. Parents tend to view the firstborn as an example for younger siblings. But the older child may be weighed down by this “status” and the burden of responsibility. Avoid categorical orders and the use of the word “must”. These children are overreacting to criticism, afraid of making mistakes, and experiencing stress from failing to complete a task.

• Give privileges . If you assign additional responsibilities to an older child, then give him some indulgences, for example, go to bed later.

• Extenuate liability. The older one can help mommy take care of the baby, bring him a toy or give him a diaper, but don’t expect him to turn into a babysitter for his younger brother or sister.

Middle child

These children are very different from older siblings. But characterizing the middle child is the hardest thing to do. On the one hand, he looks at the behavior of his older brother (sister), the leader, on the other hand, there are children in the family even younger than him. And in relation to them, he fulfills the role of the eldest child. The intermediate position makes him “invisible”, he has to assert himself and compete with his brothers and sisters for the attention of his parents.

In the opinion of the middle child, the elders reap all the privileges, while the youngest get away with everything. Therefore, the average has to rely on itself. “These kids are good at negotiating and finding a way out of any situation,” says Dr. Sulloway. “They are pleasant, diplomatic, compromise when necessary, and can handle disappointment. They have realistic expectations, are the least spoiled, and tend to be the most independent. In the family, they feel deprived of attention, so they are looking for communication in companies and with friends.

How to raise an average child

• Praise more often. Thank them when they help look after the youngest child or intervene to resolve a dispute between siblings.

• Take an interest in his affairs and the affairs of his friends, encourage the child’s friendship with peers.

• Make time for him. Middle children always have to share parental attention with other siblings. Therefore, make it so that you can spend time only with him, so that he feels loved and meaningful to you.

Younger child

Experienced parents with a younger child tend to relax, stop worrying and let things take their course. As a result, younger children usually get away with more than their older siblings. The younger ones are in no hurry to take responsibility, because there is someone in the family to do this, and they grow up as carefree, flexible, affectionate, sociable and cheerful children, they love to make people laugh.

Rebelliousness can manifest itself in the case when the younger will need to prove that they also have the right to their opinion. Competing with older brothers or sisters for the status of an adult and responsible, they can show character in the spirit of “I’ll show them again!”. If the elders follow the lead of the younger, he can grow up spoiled and manipulative.

How to raise a younger child

• Let them make decisions .