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Sabotaged relationship. Understanding and Overcoming Relationship Self-Sabotage: A Comprehensive Guide

Why do people sabotage their relationships. How can you recognize signs of self-sabotage in your relationship. What are effective strategies to stop sabotaging your relationship. How does attachment style influence relationship self-sabotage. Can therapy help overcome relationship self-sabotage.

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The Psychology Behind Relationship Self-Sabotage

Relationship self-sabotage is a complex behavior that often stems from deep-rooted psychological factors. Understanding these underlying causes is crucial for recognizing and addressing self-sabotaging tendencies in relationships.

Low Self-Esteem and Self-Worth

One of the primary reasons individuals engage in relationship self-sabotage is low self-esteem and self-worth. When someone doesn’t feel deserving of love or believes they’re not good enough for their partner, they may subconsciously push their partner away or create problems in the relationship. This behavior serves as a protective mechanism, allowing them to avoid the pain of potential rejection by initiating the breakup themselves.

Fear of Intimacy and Commitment

For some, the prospect of deep emotional intimacy or long-term commitment can be overwhelming. This fear may stem from past experiences or a desire to maintain independence. As a result, individuals might sabotage their relationships to keep a safe emotional distance or preserve their sense of freedom.

Attachment Styles and Their Influence

Attachment styles, formed in early childhood, play a significant role in how individuals approach and navigate relationships. Psychotherapist Madeline Cooper emphasizes the connection between attachment styles and self-sabotaging behaviors:

  • Anxious Attachment: People with anxious attachment styles often crave intimacy but fear rejection. This can lead to projection of negative outcomes onto their partners.
  • Avoidant Attachment: Those with avoidant attachment styles tend to shy away from closeness and intimacy, potentially delaying commitment or displaying dismissive behavior.

These attachment patterns, learned in childhood, can unconsciously influence adult relationships, perpetuating cycles of self-sabotage.

Recognizing Signs of Relationship Self-Sabotage

Identifying self-sabotaging behaviors is the first step towards addressing them. Here are some common signs that you might be sabotaging your relationship:

Avoiding Emotional Discussions

Do you find yourself reluctant to address negative emotions or concerns with your partner? Refusing to communicate about relationship issues is a significant red flag. It suggests a lack of investment in resolving problems and maintaining the relationship’s health.

Excessive Paranoia and Suspicion

Constant suspicion of infidelity or abandonment without evidence can be a form of self-sabotage. This behavior often stems from personal insecurities rather than actual relationship issues. It can create unnecessary tension and erode trust between partners.

Persistent Criticism

While constructive criticism has its place in healthy relationships, constantly critiquing your partner, especially for minor issues, can be destructive. This behavior may indicate an unconscious attempt to create distance or drive your partner away.

Engaging in Unhealthy Behaviors

Self-destructive habits like excessive drinking, poor eating habits, or neglecting self-care can be indirect forms of relationship sabotage. These behaviors might serve as coping mechanisms for relationship dissatisfaction or as distractions from underlying issues.

Holding Grudges

The inability to let go of small annoyances or past conflicts can significantly damage a relationship. Holding grudges prevents emotional intimacy and can create a hostile environment within the partnership.

The Impact of Self-Sabotage on Relationships

Self-sabotaging behaviors can have far-reaching consequences on both the relationship and the individuals involved.

Erosion of Trust

Constant suspicion, criticism, and emotional withdrawal can gradually erode the foundation of trust in a relationship. Without trust, it becomes challenging to maintain a healthy, intimate connection.

Emotional Distance

Self-sabotaging behaviors often create emotional barriers between partners. This emotional distance can lead to feelings of loneliness and disconnection, even within the relationship.

Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

By engaging in self-sabotaging behaviors, individuals may inadvertently create the very situations they fear. For example, constant suspicion of cheating might push a partner away, potentially leading to actual infidelity or relationship breakdown.

Impact on Mental Health

The stress and anxiety associated with relationship self-sabotage can take a toll on both partners’ mental health. It may exacerbate existing mental health issues or contribute to the development of new ones.

Strategies to Overcome Relationship Self-Sabotage

Recognizing self-sabotaging behaviors is the first step. The next crucial phase is learning how to overcome these tendencies. Here are some effective strategies:

Develop Self-Awareness

Start by cultivating a deeper understanding of your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. Keep a journal to track patterns in your relationships and identify triggers for self-sabotaging behaviors.

Challenge Negative Self-Talk

Often, self-sabotage stems from negative self-perceptions. Practice challenging these thoughts when they arise. Replace self-deprecating thoughts with more balanced, realistic ones.

Improve Communication Skills

Open, honest communication is vital for healthy relationships. Learn to express your feelings and concerns constructively. Practice active listening to better understand your partner’s perspective.

Work on Self-Esteem

Building self-esteem can significantly reduce self-sabotaging tendencies. Engage in activities that make you feel competent and valued. Set and achieve personal goals to boost your sense of self-worth.

Practice Mindfulness

Mindfulness techniques can help you stay present and avoid spiraling into negative thought patterns. Regular meditation or mindfulness exercises can increase emotional regulation and reduce impulsive behaviors.

Seek Professional Help

Therapy, particularly cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) or dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), can be immensely helpful in addressing self-sabotaging behaviors. A therapist can help you uncover the root causes of your behaviors and develop healthier coping mechanisms.

The Role of Attachment Theory in Relationship Dynamics

Understanding attachment theory can provide valuable insights into relationship patterns and self-sabotaging behaviors.

Secure Attachment

Individuals with secure attachment styles typically have healthier relationship dynamics. They are comfortable with intimacy and independence, and less likely to engage in self-sabotaging behaviors.

Anxious Attachment

Those with anxious attachment may engage in behaviors like excessive neediness or jealousy. They might sabotage relationships by seeking constant reassurance or creating conflicts to test their partner’s commitment.

Avoidant Attachment

People with avoidant attachment styles might sabotage relationships by maintaining emotional distance, avoiding commitment, or prioritizing independence over intimacy.

Healing Attachment Wounds

Recognizing your attachment style is the first step towards healing. Therapy can be particularly effective in addressing attachment-related issues and developing more secure relationship patterns.

Building Healthy Relationship Habits

Overcoming self-sabotage involves not just stopping negative behaviors, but also cultivating positive ones. Here are some habits to foster in your relationship:

Practice Gratitude

Regularly express appreciation for your partner and the positive aspects of your relationship. This can help shift focus from perceived negatives to the strengths of your partnership.

Establish Boundaries

Healthy boundaries are crucial for maintaining individuality within a relationship. Communicate your needs and respect your partner’s boundaries as well.

Cultivate Trust

Build trust through consistent, honest behavior. Be reliable and follow through on your commitments. Trust is the foundation of a strong relationship.

Prioritize Quality Time

Make an effort to spend meaningful time together. Engage in activities you both enjoy and create new shared experiences.

Practice Forgiveness

Learn to let go of minor grievances and practice forgiveness. This doesn’t mean tolerating abusive behavior, but rather not holding onto small resentments that can accumulate over time.

The Importance of Self-Care in Relationship Health

Self-care plays a crucial role in maintaining both individual well-being and relationship health. When you take care of yourself, you’re better equipped to contribute positively to your relationship.

Physical Self-Care

Prioritize your physical health through regular exercise, balanced nutrition, and adequate sleep. Taking care of your body can improve mood, energy levels, and overall well-being, positively impacting your relationship.

Emotional Self-Care

Develop emotional intelligence and coping strategies. This might include practicing mindfulness, journaling, or engaging in hobbies that bring you joy and relaxation.

Social Self-Care

Maintain relationships outside of your romantic partnership. Having a support network of friends and family can provide balance and perspective in your life.

Professional Self-Care

Pursue your career goals and maintain a healthy work-life balance. Personal fulfillment in your professional life can contribute to overall life satisfaction and relationship harmony.

Navigating Relationship Challenges Without Self-Sabotage

Every relationship faces challenges. The key is learning to navigate these difficulties without resorting to self-sabotaging behaviors.

Identify Triggers

Recognize situations or emotions that typically lead to self-sabotaging behaviors. Being aware of these triggers can help you respond more constructively.

Develop Coping Strategies

Create a toolkit of healthy coping mechanisms to use when facing relationship stress. This might include deep breathing exercises, taking a short break to calm down, or journaling your thoughts.

Practice Emotional Regulation

Learn techniques to manage intense emotions without acting impulsively. Mindfulness practices and cognitive reframing can be particularly helpful in this regard.

Seek Support

Don’t hesitate to seek support from trusted friends, family members, or a therapist when facing relationship challenges. External perspectives can provide valuable insights and support.

Focus on Solutions

When conflicts arise, focus on finding solutions rather than placing blame. Approach challenges as a team, working together to overcome obstacles.

By implementing these strategies and continuously working on personal growth, individuals can overcome self-sabotaging tendencies and build healthier, more fulfilling relationships. Remember, change takes time and effort, but with persistence and self-compassion, it is possible to break free from self-sabotaging patterns and cultivate a loving, secure partnership.

Why You’re Sabotaging Your Relationship + How To Stop

For some people, this is such an ingrained behavior that it can be hard to even recognize, let alone stop it.

Although often subconscious, there are several reasons someone might want to sabotage a perfectly healthy relationship. One big reason is low self-esteem and self-worth, according to clinical psychologist Maggie Dancel, Psy.D. If you’re worried your partner may like you enough, you might subconsciously act out or push them away so you don’t have to feel the sting of rejection.

Stirring up relationship drama can also be a way to keep your partner interested, Dancel tells mbg: “Individuals may not feel that they can get better, so they settle for any attention, affection, and connection, negative or positive.”

On the other side of the spectrum, some individuals might fear commitment due to what the relationship will mean for their independence, leading them to self-sabotage the relationship in order to keep their distance and maintain a sense of freedom.

“Much of the reasoning behind someone self-sabotaging a relationship has to do with an individual’s attachment style,” Madeline Cooper, a psychotherapist and clinical social worker specializing in sexuality and relationships, tells mbg. Your attachment style is the way you deal with relationships, which is learned from our earliest childhood relationships with caregivers.

Individuals with anxious attachment styles often desire intimacy and fear rejection because of experiences of abandonment in childhood, which can lead them to project these negative outcomes of the relationship onto their partner.

Individuals with avoidant attachment styles often avoid closeness and intimacy because their childhood taught them to be self-sufficient, which may lead them to delay commitment or demonstrate a dismissive nature.

Because the desire to self-sabotage is so linked to our attachment style, people can often self-sabotage relationships subconsciously by repeating the relational patterns that we learned as children. “We repeat behaviors over and over again because the negative cycle is familiar,” Dancel says.

Summary

One reason someone might sabotage a healthy relationship is because they might be suffering from low-self esteem. Additionally, someone may stir up relationship drama to keep their partner interested. Your attachment style may also be a reason why someone would sabotaging their relationship.

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1.

Not addressing negative emotions

A big red flag for self-sabotage is having negative emotions about your partner or relationship but refusing to address them. Feeling anxiety, anger, frustration, or doubt in any relationship, romantic or not, is totally normal—but refusing to speak to your partner about these fears signals that you’re not interested in fixing the problems you’re seeing or keeping your relationship alive.

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2.

Extreme paranoia

“I have seen clients who suspect their partners of cheating with no evidence to prove it but are so convinced because of their own insecurities,” Cooper says, describing this as an example of self-sabotaging a relationship. It’s hard not to get paranoid sometimes in relationships, but if you are constantly worried that your partner is cheating or wants to leave you, this could be a projection of your own fears and anxieties about the relationship.

3.

Criticism toward your partner

The best partnerships involve at least some constructive criticism, but if you are always criticizing your partner for small behaviors, this could also be a sign of self-sabotage. Critiquing your partner when they do not deserve it could mean that you are subconsciously trying to create a wedge between you two or drive them away.

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4.

Engaging in unhealthy behavior

While it might not seem like it, eating poorly, drinking or smoking excessively, and overall not taking care of yourself can be a sign of self-sabotage in a relationship. These negative behaviors can function as a coping mechanism for individuals who are unhappy in a relationship but do not know how to fix it. These unhealthy patterns can also be a scapegoat for the issues in a relationship—if someone is focused on their excessive smoking, for example, they can blame their relationship troubles on that rather than looking for deeper problems. 

5.

Holding grudges

Everyone holds a grudge once in a while, but if you are constantly annoyed by small things your partner does and can’t seem to let go of that anger, this may be a sign of self-sabotage. Often, holding grudges in a relationship can lead to poor communication and delayed anger and fighting, which can greatly hurt any partnership. You may be subconsciously holding a grudge to avoid talking to your partner about the issues in your relationship.

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6.

Putting energy into everything except your relationship

A big sign of self-sabotage is if you are concerned about the state of your relationship but also not putting time into mending it. If you have suddenly become hyper-focused on work, your hobbies, or the other people in your life and are ignoring your partner completely, you might be trying to convince yourself you don’t have time to fix the issues in your relationship, when really you are just prioritizing other things.

7.

Having unrealistic expectations

Intimate relationships can be difficult to manage, and it’s hard to always have a perfect set of expectations for what you and your partner owe each other. That being said, if you are regularly upset that your partner is not meeting your expectations and are not communicating your disappointment to them, this could also be a sign that you have already deemed your partner unfit for you in your head and don’t think the relationship is worth fighting for.

8.

Not keeping small promises

Small things add up. If you regularly break promises regarding what time you will be home or when you and your partner will be spending quality time, this could mean that you are training your partner to resent you.

9.

Focusing on your and your partner’s imperfections

Another red flag is if you are unable to see the good in your partner or relationship and can instead only focus on small imperfections on both sides. This negative pattern is often a sign that you are trying to drive a wedge between yourself and your partner. 

10.

Giving up on sex

It’s normal for couples to go through phrases of lackluster sex (or no sex at all), but Cooper says it’s telling when one person has given up and accepted the unfulfilling sexual relationship. “Because many people are uncomfortable talking about sexuality and intimacy, they will not tell their partner if they are unsatisfied in the sexual relationship. This can lead to frustration, resentment, or even ‘the grass is greener’ syndrome, where someone wonders if something else is better,” she says.

11.

Using the “silent treatment”

One of the biggest signs of self-sabotage is poor communication or a lack thereof. The “silent treatment,” or refusing to speak to someone in your life out of anger or to teach them a lesson, is an extremely toxic form of communication that can be very harmful to any relationship.

RELATED: Unhappy In A Relationship: 10 Signs + What To Do About It

1.

Understand both partners’ attachment styles

Understanding both your own and your partner’s attachment styles can help you both learn how to better provide for each other’s needs. There are easy tests online that allow people to quickly discover their attachment style and give helpful tips on what individuals with each style desire most out of a relationship.

“Knowing your and your partner’s attachment style will help each person understand why they act in a certain way within the relationship and can help reframe the action from sabotaging to a pattern created based on a relationship and family history,” said Cooper. “By becoming more self-aware of these patterns, people can start to intentionally work to create new patterns by confronting and being honest about their feelings surrounding intimacy, developing direct communication skills with their partner, and working to let go of any fears surrounding relationships and commitment.” 

2.

Have an honest discussion

If you are feeling anxious or having doubts in any relationship, it is important that you initiate an open discussion about these fears. You and your partner should speak openly about what problems you’re having and what the best next steps for your relationship could be. If you feel like you have some growing up to do before the relationship can change, taking a temporary break might be a move to consider.

3.

Seek counseling

If you feel like you and your partner cannot solve these issues on your own, counseling can be a great next step. Both individual and couples’ therapy provide a great outlet to discuss your relationship fears in a supportive, nonjudgmental, and empathetic environment. If you feel like your issues are only surrounding your relationship, couples’ therapy is probably the route to try. However, if you feel like your relationship troubles are stemming from bigger issues in your own life, it might be time to try individualized therapy to unpack some of your own life experiences that might be affecting how you’re showing up in your relationships.

4.

Be patient

Relationships are never easy, and it’s important to be patient while you are putting in all this hard work. Remember that you have a support system to help you through rough times and that you should be proud of yourself for recognizing unhealthy behavior and taking the necessary steps to fix it. “Life is hard!” Dancel lamented. “We are all just trying to make it in this world. It’s important for people to be understanding and patient with themselves.”

RELATED: 9 Signs It’s Time To End Your Relationship, From A Therapist

Self-Sabotage in Relationships: 10 Signs

Self-sabotage in relationships isn’t always easy to recognize, especially when you’re the one engaging in these behaviors, like cheating or withholding gratitude.

Relationships can be hard. Not just in keeping them thriving once they’re established, but in getting to that point where long-term commitment is possible.

When you can’t seem to maintain relationships, it’s an easy to chalk it up to excuses like “no good ones are left.” But the truth is that sometimes relationships with potential get squashed by your own behaviors.

When this self-sabotage happens, it often comes from challenges related to insecurity, communication, and trust. And it’s likely something you’ve been working through for a very long time.

Learning to recognize self-sabotage in relationships can help you see places where introspection and healing may need to take place.

Change has to start with you. For example, if you see no reason to change yourself there’s nothing your partner can do that will improve the situation — or vice versa.

1. Cheating

Cheating isn’t always pure lust. Sometimes cheating can be a self-sabotaging behavior; a way of ending the relationship and making yourself the villain.

“A person may cheat to either consciously or unconsciously end the relationship, especially if they feel they don’t deserve to be in a relationship or deserve to be loved,” explains Nicholette Leanza, LPCC-SS at LifeStance Health a licensed professional clinical counselor from Beachwood, Ohio. “This is often rooted in their own poor self-esteem.”

2. Lack of commitment

Lack of commitment occurs when your relationship progresses to a place where monogamy and titles (boyfriend, fiancé, etc.) are natural and often expected, but you won’t say the words or commit to any deeper feelings.

“If you are not willing to make a long-term commitment to your partner, it can create uncertainty and insecurity in the relationship,” says David Tzall, a psychologist from New York City. “This can cause your partner to feel like they are not a priority in your life.”

3. Holding grudges

Do you hang on to hurt caused by your partner, even if it’s unintentional? Holding grudges is a common relationship sabotaging behavior, indicates Leanza, that, when continually brought up, can create resentment and erode trust.

It often stems from your own place of insecurity and feelings of inferiority, she explains.

4. Passive aggression

Passive aggression is an indirect form of communicating your anger or frustration. It can come from a part of you that’s afraid or uncomfortable with experiencing the negative emotions that come from confrontation.

Tzall says passive aggression can lead to misunderstandings and confusion, and can undermine the trust in a relationship.

5. Withholding gratitude

Gratitude is one of the driving forces of relationship longevity. Showing your partner you’re appreciative of them is a bonding experience.

Dr. Harold Hong, a board certified psychiatrist in Raleigh, North Carolina, explains, “…expressing appreciation for your partner’s efforts, no matter how small, is a sign of respect and can show that their positive actions are valued.”

When you withhold gratitude, deliberately or subconsciously, you’re sending the signal to your partner that they’re being taken for granted.

6. Not communicating

A number of self-sabotaging relationship behaviors involve not communicating clearly, openly, or at all.

Your partner can’t read your mind. They don’t innately know your wants and needs all the time, and that’s not a reflection of their level of affection for you. It just means they aren’t psychics, and like you, the appreciate having open, clear communication.

7. Mind-reading

Have you ever gotten upset because your partner did one thing and you expected something else but never communicated it? This could be considered “mind-reading” or jumping to conclusions.

“Mind-reading” involves making assumptions about what someone else is feeling or assuming they’ll understand you without open communication.

Hong indicates “mind-reading” can cause major misunderstanding in relationships and can be a form of emotional manipulation.

8. Unrealistic expectations

Holding your partner to an unachievable standard is another way to set yourself up, successfully, for failure.

“For instance, expecting your partner to make all the decisions in a relationship or expecting them never to make mistakes is an example of an unhealthy expectation that can lead to problems,” says Hong.

When your unreasonable expectations aren’t met it can allow you to convince yourself the relationship isn’t working, opening up a reason to leave.

9. Emotional unavailability

Intimacy, another pillar of long-term relationships, requires vulnerability, which means allowing someone else participate in your emotions.

“If you have difficulty opening up emotionally, it can make it challenging for your partner to connect with you on a deeper level,” says Tzall. “This can lead to feelings of loneliness and a lack of intimacy in the relationship.”

10. Disrespectful behavior

Self-sabotage in relationships can be abusive. Leanza points out there are many experiences that fall into this category, such as:

  • gaslighting
  • stonewalling
  • ignoring boundaries
  • manipulating
  • using ultimatums
  • refusing responsibility
  • physical violence

There’s no universal cause for self-sabotage in relationships, but knowing why you might be prone to these behaviors can help you address them at their source.

Learned behaviors

One of the many ways children learn is through mimicking what they see around them. If you grew up with caregivers who displayed self-sabotaging behaviors, you may have adopted those behaviors as well.

Attachment style

Attachment style is a part of psychological theory. It suggests how you form relationships in your adult life is directly impacted by the relationships you had as a child.

“Our attachment style and early models contribute immensely to how much we allow ourselves to connect with others and be in a relationship,” Tzall says. “Someone who has more of an avoidant attachment style may struggle with emotional intimacy and have difficulty forming close relationships.”

Past experiences

The following factors can create a sense of low self-worth that might make you feel undeserving of happiness and love:

  • trauma
  • abuse
  • bullying
  • negative past relationship experiences

Having been hurt in the past can also create a fear of vulnerability that makes you turn to self-sabotage as a means of protection.

“People who display a fear of vulnerability may keep themselves emotionally distant from their partner because they fear intimacy or the possibility of rejection,” explains Leanza.

Healing the underlying causes of self-sabotage in a relationship is the first step toward eliminating these behaviors. Speaking with a mental health professional can provide guidance and actionable steps in the process of recovery.

Therapy can also help you recognize these behaviors in others, an important step in understanding when or if a relationship has run its course.

Practical tips to stop self-sabotage in relationships

According to the experts, you can help stop self-sabotage in relationships by:

  • taking ownership of self-sabotaging behaviors
  • admitting and apologizing for mistakes
  • practicing empathy
  • building communication skills
  • setting and respecting boundaries
  • improving personal wellness

Setting expectations for yourself can also be important. What are behaviors you exhibit that you wouldn’t be okay with in someone else?

“Consider what behaviors you are and are not willing to tolerate, and what expectations you are fine with letting go of,” says Tzall.

Was this helpful?

Self-sabotage in relationships is a habit that can be difficult to break — especially if you don’t know you have it. Not communicating, holding grudges, and refusing to commit are all potential self-sabotage.

Being able to recognize these behaviors can help improve your ability to maintain relationships and develop relationship quality.

7 Ways to Fix Broken Relationships

Relationships are dynamic and cannot be planned. You cannot avoid certain ups and downs, you cannot accurately predict a person’s reaction to your words or actions. But still, there are several ways to get the relationship back on track. Here are some of them.

1. Choose cooperation instead of competition

Human nature is prone to competition. This is because our ideas about ourselves and our capabilities are made up of comparison with the people around us. If you are doing better than your friend or colleague, then you are doing well. Otherwise, you need to make a leap and correct the situation. And although this way of thinking can be called useful in terms of motivation, in a relationship it only brings harm.

Resist the urge to compare yourself to your friends or loved one. Don’t think that you are better in a relationship than your partner. Don’t be offended if your partner has more career success than you. Don’t be mad that your friend gets another promotion and you don’t. The success of loved ones should be rejoiced. Success for them is success for you, and vice versa.

Remember that one of the main evolutionary reasons for having long-term relationships was to share resources and minimize the dangers of the outside world. Never miss an opportunity to help a loved one and don’t let your resentment turn the relationship into competition.

2. Apologize sincerely

You may not even be afraid to apologize to loved ones, but this is not always the key to success. Look how you do it You can apologize sincerely, or you can try to dodge, even more hurting the feelings of a person.

Eliminate from your speech the expressions “I’m sorry, but…”, “I don’t feel guilty, but since it’s important to you, then I’m sorry”, “I already apologized, but you didn’t hear (didn’t notice, didn’t accept my apologies) ” and so on. Their use reduces the level of trust in you and indicates the insincerity of your intentions.

7 Truths You Need to Know About the Art of Apology

3. Don’t be afraid to make radical changes by oneself. Of course, this won’t happen. Sometimes the best cure for a broken relationship is radical intervention. Invite a person on an unexpected weekend trip, try to rethink your relationship, think about the very move that your loved one so dreams of.

Do something that requires you to get out of your comfort zone and the person will see that you are really trying. Take action. Only in this way will you be 100% sure that you have tried all the ways to fix the situation.

4. Make the person feel heard and accepted

Give your loved one the opportunity to feel heard, even if you don’t fully agree with his or her point of view. Show him that you will support him in any case, and he will remain your friend (partner), even if he makes a decision that you do not support.

In any relationship, a person needs to know that he can fully trust his loved one, and not be afraid to be himself. Instead of trying to dissuade (convince) someone or get them to do what you want, be a person who can support and encourage, and leave the judgments to someone else.

5. Recall how you have repaired relationships in the past

People tend to exaggerate the extent of the problem, especially when it comes to emotions. We quickly come up with worst-case scenarios.

When a relationship is going through a difficult period, it is worth remembering what helped keep it afloat in the past. It can be just a few simple changes that need to be made to get the relationship back on track, something you were already doing a few months (years) ago. Why invent something new if you already have a developed and proven mechanism of action in your memory.

6. Do not exaggerate (downplay) the significance of the problem

We all perceive the same problem in different ways. Let’s take at least school time: the whole class got two – for someone it will be just another bad mark, someone will take it calmly, someone will be upset, but decides that he has time to fix everything, but for someone this deuce will be tantamount to the end of the world. But we are not talking about assessments at all, but about the fact that you have no right to judge the problem of another person, and even more so, you have no right to condemn him for a reaction different from yours.

If a relationship has been damaged by your attempt to downplay or downplay a problem in a loved one’s life, the best thing you can do is apologize and admit that you have no idea how the person is feeling right now.

The 12 biggest relationship problems that most couples face

7. Don’t leave conflicts unattended until the next one happens. But don’t make this common mistake.

Yes, you need time to reconcile and calm your nerves, but after that you should return to discussing the reasons for the quarrel. You have to ask questions: why did the conflict happen? whose responsibility is this? how can you prevent new conflicts?

Do not go in cycles in your opinion – be sure to talk heart to heart with your partner. Collect all the necessary information, try to find compromises, find out the true cause of the conflict.

If you don’t know how to solve your problem, it doesn’t mean that there is no way to do it. If you really want to overcome any difficulties, then you will find how to do it. And all the obstacles are created only by our laziness or unwillingness to change anything.

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Article published in Harvard Business Review Russia

Beth Shinoff
, Kerry Roberts Gibson

Photo: ADAM GAULT/GETTY IMAGES

One day, a manager (let’s call her Cassie) sent an email to Harrison, a member of her team, explaining why she hadn’t invited him to a meeting with senior management. She and Harrison got along well, and she wanted to make sure he wasn’t offended. Two days passed, but she still did not receive a response to the letter. After this small incident, Cassie began to doubt the relationship between them. Why such sudden impoliteness, was Harrison really upset? Do they still have a good relationship? How should she act the next time they meet? And Harrison just put “answer Cassie” on his to-do list, but he was too busy to do so. He had no idea that the delay in answering bothered her.

Interacting with colleagues can often be confusing and even stressful. We have come across this phenomenon regularly in the nearly nine years we have been studying work relationships. In the end, relationships with colleagues become decisive in the perception of work. If you like them, you are much more likely to be happy with your organization.

However, we often misjudge relationships at work. In the process of evolution, people have learned to evaluate situations as either “good” or “bad” in order to act depending on what is in front of them: a threat or an opportunity. Instinctively, we evaluate relationships with colleagues in a similar way. The problem is that working relationships come in all sorts of different types: good, bad, and all sorts of things in between. Numerous studies not only confirm this, but also demonstrate that individual relationships often include both positive and negative aspects.

Most regard relationships with colleagues as fixed: good ones will always be good, and bad ones will never get better. Consequently, we take healthy relationships for granted and do not give them the attention and strength they deserve. We also write off bad relationships and do not take steps to improve them. This is also a misconception, as relationships with colleagues are dynamic: even the most toxic ones can improve and the most positive ones quickly fade away.

If you take a closer look, you will see that relationships with colleagues are made up of a series of “micromovements” – small actions or situations that seem insignificant at the moment they occur, but affect our relationship. Micromovements are reminiscent of dance elements. You take a step, your colleague takes a step. Each step, or micro-movement, can change the direction of the relationship. A small show of gratitude or empathy — like saying “thank you” when someone held the door for you, or showing understanding when someone is late for a meeting — can bring people closer and help build long-term trust, the researchers say. On the other hand, something as seemingly mundane as Harrison’s delay in responding can create tension and negative feelings that will be remembered for a long time.

Micromovements vary, but according to a study by Kerry Roberts Gibson, one of the authors of this article, most of them either bring people closer or further apart. Some steps have a stronger impact than others: for example, a disrespectful comment at a group meeting will have more noticeable consequences than a missed conference call. However, all micromovements have the potential to change relationships between colleagues. Here are a few typical scenarios that we observed while working.

  • You and your colleague have a difficult relationship. You learn that her father recently died. You stop at her table and offer your condolences. A colleague sees this conversation as an attempt at reconciliation. After a few days, she offers to help you with the project.

  • On your lunch break, you and a few other colleagues decide to go to a café. You want to invite another member of your team, but change your mind because you didn’t initiate the lunch. Back at the office, you notice that your colleague is furious. When he goes home in the evening, he says that he did not check the report, which you need to send the next morning first thing.

  • You are working with a client one morning. While talking to her, you casually answer e-mails and messages and only half-listen to her. Later that day, you get a message from your boss saying that the client expressed annoyance with your behavior during the last call.

These are just a few examples of how micromovements can affect relationships. The possibilities and results are endless. And because relationships are so different, not everyone will react the same way to micromovements. For example, when Kerry, Dana Harari, and Jennifer Carson Marr studied what would happen if you shared information about your weakness with a colleague, they found that for a person with a higher status, demonstrating vulnerability hurts relationships. If the interlocutors have the same status, the relationship does not worsen. How to determine which micromovements will be useful? We suggest focusing on the following principles.

Try to understand the colleague’s point of view. The result of actions is not always intended. The difficulty with micromovements is that we all apply different standards to how they are judged. For Harrison, not answering a letter is a small thing, but it is not a small thing for Cassie. However, she should have stopped and thought about what was going on in Harrison’s life. Perhaps he just returned from a business trip and he has accumulated a huge amount of mail that needs to be answered. Or maybe he is busy with another project? Or remember the example of condolences to a colleague. This micro-movement could backfire if a colleague suspected you of insincerity or even attempts at manipulation. Therefore, before you make a micro-movement on your part, ask yourself how you would react if you were in this person’s place. After the micro-movement, evaluate the reaction of the colleague and analyze whether it met your expectations. If not, then be prepared to make additional micro-movements.

Recommended reading

How to arrange a meeting with your foreign boss

Boris Shcherbakov

How to get feedback if you avoid conflicts

Muriel Wilkins, Amy Jen-Su

Seven practices of resilience: how to ensure stability in the midst of a crisis

Robert Kaiser , Elaine Poulakos

On March 20, 2015, the offsite meeting of the Harvard Business Review Russia HR Club was held as part of the annual IBM BusinessConnect 2015 conference.