What are the key indicators of codependency in relationships. How can you identify if you’re in a codependent dynamic. What behaviors signal an unhealthy balance of caretaking and dependency.

Understanding Codependency: A Dysfunctional Relationship Dynamic

Codependency is a complex relationship pattern characterized by an imbalance of caretaking and dependency. In codependent relationships, one partner typically assumes an excessive caretaking role, while the other becomes overly reliant on that support. This dynamic often emerges in relationships where substance abuse or addiction is present, but can occur in various contexts.

Recognizing the signs of codependency is crucial for maintaining healthy relationships and personal well-being. By understanding these indicators, individuals can take steps to address unhealthy patterns and foster more balanced, fulfilling connections.

1. People Pleasing: The Need for Constant Approval

One of the most prominent signs of codependency is an overwhelming desire to please others, often at the expense of one’s own needs and desires. People pleasers in codependent relationships may:

• Struggle to say “no” to requests, even when they’re unreasonable
• Feel responsible for others’ happiness and well-being
• Sacrifice their own interests to accommodate others
• Experience anxiety or guilt when unable to meet others’ expectations

This behavior stems from a deep-seated need for approval and fear of rejection. While it’s natural to want to make loved ones happy, codependent people pleasers often take this to an extreme, losing sight of their own identity and needs in the process.

2. Lack of Boundaries: Blurred Lines Between Self and Others

Healthy relationships require clear boundaries that define where one person ends and the other begins. In codependent relationships, these boundaries become blurred or nonexistent. This manifests in several ways:

• Difficulty recognizing and respecting personal limits
• Taking responsibility for others’ emotions or actions
• Allowing others to violate one’s personal space or values
• Inability to distinguish between one’s own feelings and those of others

The lack of boundaries in codependent relationships often leads to resentment, emotional exhaustion, and a loss of personal identity. Learning to establish and maintain healthy boundaries is crucial for breaking free from codependent patterns.

3. Poor Self-Esteem: The Foundation of Codependency

At the core of many codependent relationships lies a deep-seated lack of self-esteem. This manifests differently for each partner:

• The caretaker may derive their sense of worth from being needed
• The dependent partner may feel unworthy of love without the caretaker’s support
• Both partners may struggle with feelings of inadequacy and insecurity

Low self-esteem perpetuates the codependent cycle, as individuals seek validation and purpose through their roles in the relationship rather than developing a strong sense of self-worth independently.

4. Excessive Caretaking: The Compulsion to Rescue

Codependent individuals often feel an overwhelming responsibility to care for others, particularly their partners. This compulsion to rescue or fix others’ problems can stem from childhood experiences or a deep-seated fear of abandonment. Signs of excessive caretaking include:

• Anticipating and meeting others’ needs before they’re expressed
• Neglecting personal needs to focus on others
• Feeling anxious or guilty when not actively helping someone
• Enabling destructive behaviors in an attempt to be supportive

While caring for loved ones is admirable, codependent caretaking goes beyond healthy support. It often leads to burnout, resentment, and a cycle of dependency that hinders personal growth for both partners.

5. Reactivity: Emotional Instability in Relationships

Codependent individuals often struggle with emotional regulation, particularly in response to their partner’s moods or behaviors. This reactivity can manifest as:

• Rapid mood swings based on others’ emotions
• Overreacting to perceived criticism or rejection
• Difficulty maintaining emotional stability in stressful situations
• Internalizing others’ problems as personal failures

This emotional volatility stems from a lack of personal boundaries and an overinvestment in others’ well-being. Learning to manage one’s own emotions independently is crucial for breaking free from codependent patterns.

6. Poor Communication: The Silence of Codependency

Effective communication is the cornerstone of healthy relationships, but codependent dynamics often impair this essential skill. In codependent relationships, communication challenges may include:

• Difficulty expressing personal needs and desires
• Fear of confrontation or conflict
• Passive-aggressive behavior instead of direct communication
• Dishonesty or omission to avoid upsetting the partner

These communication barriers perpetuate the codependent cycle, as needs go unmet and resentments build. Learning to communicate openly, honestly, and assertively is crucial for establishing healthier relationship dynamics.

7. Lack of Self-Image: Losing Oneself in the Relationship

One of the most profound impacts of codependency is the loss of personal identity. Codependent individuals may struggle to define themselves outside of their relationship roles. This can manifest as:

• Difficulty identifying personal interests or goals
• Feeling lost or purposeless when not actively caregiving
• Basing self-worth entirely on the partner’s needs or approval
• Neglecting personal growth and development

Rebuilding a strong sense of self is essential for breaking free from codependent patterns and fostering healthier relationships.

The Impact of Childhood Experiences on Codependency

Many codependent behaviors have roots in childhood experiences, particularly in families affected by addiction or dysfunction. Children who grow up in these environments often learn to:

• Suppress their own needs to maintain family stability
• Take on adult responsibilities prematurely
• Derive self-worth from caretaking roles
• Develop hypervigilance to others’ moods and needs

Understanding these early influences can help individuals recognize and address codependent tendencies in their adult relationships.

Breaking the Cycle: Strategies for Overcoming Codependency

Recognizing codependent patterns is the first step toward healthier relationships. Here are some strategies for breaking free from codependency:

1. Develop self-awareness through therapy or support groups
2. Practice setting and maintaining healthy boundaries
3. Focus on personal growth and identity development
4. Learn effective communication skills
5. Cultivate self-esteem independent of relationships
6. Address any underlying trauma or unresolved issues
7. Practice self-care and prioritize personal needs

Recovery from codependency is a journey that requires patience, commitment, and often professional support. However, the rewards of healthier, more balanced relationships are well worth the effort.

The Role of Therapy in Addressing Codependency

Professional therapy can be invaluable in addressing codependent patterns. Therapeutic approaches that may be helpful include:

• Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) to address negative thought patterns
• Family systems therapy to understand relationship dynamics
• Trauma-informed therapy to process underlying issues
• Group therapy for peer support and shared experiences

A skilled therapist can provide tools, support, and guidance for breaking free from codependent behaviors and developing healthier relationship patterns.

Codependency and Addiction: A Complex Interplay

The relationship between codependency and addiction is often closely intertwined. In families affected by substance abuse:

• Codependent behaviors may develop as coping mechanisms
• Enabling can inadvertently perpetuate addictive behaviors
• Recovery from addiction often requires addressing codependent dynamics

Addressing both codependency and addiction simultaneously is often crucial for lasting recovery and healthier family dynamics.

Building Healthy Relationships After Codependency

As individuals work to overcome codependent tendencies, they can begin to cultivate healthier relationships characterized by:

• Mutual respect and support
• Clear boundaries and personal autonomy
• Open, honest communication
• Emotional interdependence rather than codependence
• Shared responsibility and equal partnership

Learning to recognize and value these qualities in relationships is an essential part of the healing process.

The Importance of Self-Care in Overcoming Codependency

Prioritizing self-care is crucial for individuals working to break free from codependent patterns. This may involve:

• Developing personal interests and hobbies
• Practicing mindfulness and stress-reduction techniques
• Nurturing supportive friendships outside of romantic relationships
• Setting aside time for relaxation and personal reflection

By cultivating a strong sense of self and prioritizing personal well-being, individuals can build resilience against codependent tendencies.

Navigating Setbacks in Codependency Recovery

Recovery from codependency is rarely a linear process. Individuals may encounter setbacks or moments of regression. It’s important to:

• Practice self-compassion during challenging times
• View setbacks as learning opportunities rather than failures
• Seek support from therapists or support groups when needed
• Recommit to personal growth and healthy relationship habits

With persistence and support, individuals can overcome these challenges and continue their journey toward healthier relationships.

Signs of Codependent Relationships | Addiction Therapy TX

Published: May 25, 2021

Updated: June 23, 2021

A codependent relationship is a kind of dysfunctional relationship where one person is a caretaker, and the other person takes advantage. Codependent relationships are extremely common among people with substance use issues. Typically, one partner will take care of the other to the extent of enabling that partner’s addictive behavior. Often, the caretaker is raised in a family with an addicted parent and learns to placate that parent in order to make life easier for her and her siblings. This is often the oldest child, and she may repeat the pattern in her own relationships as an adult.

Codependency is not good for either partner. It allows one partner to sink deeper into addiction while forcing the other partner to completely forgo her own wants and needs in order to care for the other. At Fort Behavioral Health, our addiction therapy programs can help you or someone you care about find the strength to end a codependent relationship.  

Our Fort Behavioral Health team has compiled a list of some warning signs you might be in a codependent relationship.

9 Warning Signs of a Codependent Relationship

1. People Pleasing

It’s normal to want people to like you and we all want our loved ones to be happy, but there’s a difference between these normal tendencies and having to please people all the time. People pleasers often feel like they have no choice but to keep other people happy. They don’t like to say no, even when pleasing others substantially interferes with their own wants and needs.

2. Lack of Boundaries

People in both roles in a codependent relationship tend to have problems recognizing, respecting, and reinforcing boundaries. Having boundaries simply means you respect the other person’s right to his or her own feelings and autonomy. It also means recognizing that you aren’t responsible for the other person’s happiness. People in codependent relationships tend to have a problem where one person doesn’t recognize boundaries and the other person doesn’t insist on boundaries. Thus, one person is controlling and manipulative, and the other person is compliant and fails to assert his or her own will. Working on setting and maintaining boundaries is one of the most important skills families have to learn in family therapy.

3. Poor Self-Esteem

Typically, neither person in a codependent relationship has very good self-esteem. One person needs the approval of the other or at least needs to be of service to the other to have a sense of purpose. The other person has low self-esteem due to having to depend on someone else to meet material needs and needing validation from that person. The dependent person is often controlling out of a basic sense of insecurity that the other person might leave.

4. Caretaking

A major sign of codependency is when you feel like you have to take care of everyone all the time. This typically comes from childhood, when the caretaker learns there may be terrible consequences from failing to take care of a parent’s needs. As a result, she may feel compelled to take care of others, especially a partner, not so much out of affection, but from the fear that something bad will happen if she doesn’t. Most people can get by fairly well on their own, and feeling like things will go terribly wrong if you don’t take care of them is often a sign of codependency.

5. Reactivity

When your identity is based on pleasing others and you feel responsible for everyone’s wellbeing, you might find yourself reacting to situations rather than acting out of your own volition. You might find yourself being defensive or easily internalizing criticism. This results in losing touch with your own wants and needs, which makes it harder to be proactive. It is also partly a result of your inability to set boundaries so that you feel responsible for someone else’s feelings.

6. Poor Communication

A codependent mindset makes it hard to communicate effectively. The caregiver is often unaware of her own wants and needs, and when she is aware of them, she may be reluctant to express them. She may feel like caring for the other person is the most important thing, or she may fear upsetting the other person by asserting herself. The dependent person may be in the habit of communicating dishonestly, more interested in maintaining control than in actually communicating. Communication is another crucial skill to learn in family therapy. Both people have to learn to communicate honestly and effectively.

7. Lack of Self-Image

The caregiver may have low self-esteem, or she may not have much of a self-image at all. Often, the caregiver defines herself mainly in relation to the other person and may have no idea who she is without having that role to play. This is why the caregiver is also dependent, even though she is the one taking care of practical matters and could probably get along just fine without the other person.

8. Dependency

Of course, dependency plays a major role in codependency. Each person needs the other for something. One person needs her material needs to be met because addiction or other issues have impeded her autonomy. The other person needs validation and a sense of purpose from taking care of someone. In a way, it’s a tradeoff, but it also limits both people involved.

9. Relationship Stress

As you might expect, any of these factors can put a lot of stress on a relationship. When you can’t communicate or respect boundaries, you’re bound to have problems. The caretaker often feels a lot of stress about doing everything right, while the dependent person often feels insecure about being abandoned by the caretaker. Both are afraid to be alone, but neither is particularly happy. There may not be many fights since one partner is typically committed to keeping the other happy, but both are likely to feel stressed nonetheless.

Break Free from a Codependent Relationship with Our Help

If you or someone you love is struggling with addiction or codependency, we can help. At Fort Behavioral Health, we offer a safe and nurturing space to navigate negative emotions and practice coping skills that will support you in your recovery journey. If you or someone you know is struggling with an addiction to drugs or alcohol, call us today at 844.332.1807.

Symptoms, warning signs, and behavior

A codependent relationship is one where a person is dependent upon another person.

There is much more to this term than everyday clinginess. Codependent relationships are far more extreme than this. A person who is codependent will plan their entire life around pleasing the other person, or the enabler.

In its simplest terms, a codependent relationship is when one partner needs the other partner, who in turn, needs to be needed. This circular relationship is the basis of what experts refer to when they describe the “cycle” of codependency.

The codependent’s self-esteem and self-worth will come only from sacrificing themselves for their partner, who is only too glad to receive their sacrifices.

Fast facts on codependency:

• Codependent relationships can be between friends, romantic partners, or family members.
• Often, the relationship includes emotional or physical abuse.
• Friends and family members of a codependent person may recognize that something is wrong.
• Like any mental or emotional health issue, treatment requires time and effort, as well as the help of a clinician.

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Share on PinterestIn codependency, one person has their needs prioritised over the other’s.

It is important to know the difference between depending on another person — which can be a positive and desirable trait — and codependency, which is harmful.

The following are some examples that illustrate the difference:

Dependent: Two people rely on each other for support and love. Both find value in the relationship.

Codependent: The codependent person feels worthless unless they are needed by — and making drastic sacrifices for — the enabler. The enabler gets satisfaction from getting their every need met by the other person.

The codependent is only happy when making extreme sacrifices for their partner. They feel they must be needed by this other person to have any purpose.

Dependent: Both parties make their relationship a priority, but can find joy in outside interests, other friends, and hobbies.

Codependent: The codependent has no personal identity, interests, or values outside of their codependent relationship.

Dependent: Both people can express their emotions and needs and find ways to make the relationship beneficial for both of them.

Codependent: One person feels that their desires and needs are unimportant and will not express them. They may have difficulty recognizing their own feelings or needs at all.

One or both parties can be codependent. A codependent person will neglect other important areas of their life to please their partner. Their extreme dedication to this one person may cause damage to:

• other relationships
• their career
• their everyday responsibilities

The enabler’s role is also dysfunctional. A person who relies upon a codependent does not learn how to have an equal, two-sided relationship and often comes to rely upon another person’s sacrifices and neediness.

It can be hard to distinguish between a person who is codependent and one who is just clingy or very enamored with another person. But, a person who is codependent will usually:

• Find no satisfaction or happiness in life outside of doing things for the other person.
• Stay in the relationship even if they are aware that their partner does hurtful things.
• Do anything to please and satisfy their enabler no matter what the expense to themselves.
• Feel constant anxiety about their relationship due to their desire to always be making the other person happy.
• Use all their time and energy to give their partner everything they ask for.
• Feel guilty about thinking of themselves in the relationship and will not express any personal needs or desires.
• Ignore their own morals or conscience to do what the other person wants.

Other people may try to talk to the codependent about their concerns. But even if others suggest that the person is too dependent, a person in a codependent relationship will find it difficult to leave the relationship.

The codependent person will feel extreme conflict about separating themselves from the enabler because their own identity is centered upon sacrificing themselves for the other person.

Codependency is a learned behavior that usually stems from past behavioral patterns and emotional difficulties. It was once thought to be a result of living with an alcoholic parent.

Experts now say codependency can result from a range of situations.

Damaging parental relationships

Share on PinterestAlcohol, drugs, or other addictions are common factors that may lead parents to prioritise their needs over their children’s. This may cause the children to become codependent as adults.

People who are codependent as adults often had problems with their parental relationship as a child or teenager.

They may have been taught that their own needs were less important than their parents’ needs, or not important at all.

In these types of families, the child may be taught to focus on the parent’s needs and to never think of themselves.

Needy parents may teach their children that children are selfish or greedy if they want anything for themselves.

As a result, the child learns to ignore their own needs and thinks only of what they can do for others at all times.

In these situations, one of the parents may have:

• an addiction problem with alcohol or drugs
• a lack of maturity and emotional development, resulting in their own self-centered needs

These situations cause gaps in emotional development in the child, leading them to seek out codependent relationships later.

Living with a mentally or physically ill family member

Codependency may also result from caring for a person who is chronically ill. Being in the role of caregiver, especially at a young age, may result in the young person neglecting their own needs and developing a habit of only helping others.

A person’s self-worth may form around being needed by another person and receiving nothing in return.

Many people who live with an ill family member do not develop codependency. But, it can happen in these types of family environments, particularly if the parent or primary caretaker in the family displays the dysfunctional behaviors listed above.

Abusive families

Physical, emotional, and sexual abuse can cause psychological problems that last years or even an entire lifetime. One of the many issues that can arise from past abuse is codependency.

A child or teenager who is abused will learn to repress their feelings as a defense mechanism against the pain of abuse. As an adult, this learned behavior results in caring only about another’s feelings and not acknowledging their own needs.

Sometimes a person who is abused will seek out abusive relationships later because they are only familiar with this type of relationship. This often manifests in codependent relationships.

Share on PinterestIndividual or group therapy may be more beneficial than couples therapy, since it encourages the person to explore their feelings and behaviours as an individual outside of the relationship.

A few things can help toward forming a positive, balanced relationship:

• People in codependent relationships may need to take small steps toward some separation in the relationship. They may need to find a hobby or activity they enjoy outside of the relationship.
• A codependent person should try to spend time with supportive family members or friends.
• The enabler must decide that they are not helping their codependent partner by allowing them to make extreme sacrifices.

Individual or group therapy is very helpful for people who are in codependent relationships. An expert can help them find ways to acknowledge and express their feelings that may have been buried since childhood.

People who were abused will need to recognize past abuse and start to feel their own needs and emotions again.

Finally, both parties in a codependent relationship must learn to acknowledge specific patterns of behavior, such as “needing to be needed” and expecting the other person to center their life around them.

These steps are not easy to do but are well worth the effort to help both parties discover how to be in a balanced, two-sided relationship.

Co-Dependency Relationships: What They Are, Signs and Causes, How to Get Out of Them

Co-dependency in a relationship can be incredibly destructive, in part because you may not even be aware that it is present in your life. Clinical psychologist and co-founder of the YouTalk online service Anna Krymskaya explains what co-dependent relationships are, what are their causes, how to recognize and overcome them

What is co-dependent relationships

There is no single definition of “co-dependency” in the psychological community. On the one hand, this term describes the violation of personal boundaries between partners, when two people in a relationship are emotionally or financially dependent on each other, and the main need of one is to “bind” the other, to become part of it. On the other hand, in psychology, “codependency” is also called a dysfunctional relationship with a partner suffering from some kind of pathological addiction – alcoholism, drug addiction, gambling, and so on.

This article will focus on the first phenomenon, that is, codependency in a couple, which is accompanied by excessive absorption in another person, painful experiences – and is reflected in all areas of life.

Immediately spoiler – if you are co-dependent, this does not mean that only parting can solve this problem. Every situation is different. Having received help and feedback from a specialist, it is possible to maintain relationships and direct them into a functionally healthy direction.

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Drama Triangle

More than 40 years ago, the American psychiatrist Stephen Karpman introduced the “triangle of fate”, or “dramatic triangle”, a psychological and social model of interaction between people, consisting of three facets-roles: “persecutor” (English persecutor) , “rescuer” (English rescuer) and “victim” (English victim). The Karpman Triangle reflects the structure of co-dependent relationships.

The “pursuer” sets his own rules, controls, imposes his point of view, does not allow mistakes and is constantly looking for the guilty. When he cannot clearly show his anger, he blackmails and manipulates. The “victim” ignores his own needs, dissolves into the “persecutor” with whom, as it seems to her, she is connected with true love, and the thought of losing her introduces the “victim” into a panic. The “rescuer” feels his value through the imposition of help and a sense of superiority over the “victim”. In co-dependent relationships, each of the participants at some point tries on one of the three roles, but cannot get out of the vicious circle, because he is afraid and denies the destructiveness of the situation.

How to distinguish codependent relationships from healthy ones

We all depend on each other to some extent. Mutual support, emotional connection, dialogue, mood attunement, shared interests are all important factors in a healthy relationship. Codependent relationships are a toxic bond without which people cannot function. They lose their autonomy. Any difficulties in relationships with a partner are reflected in other areas of life, including interactions with loved ones, friends and colleagues. At the deep stages of codependence, a person can move away, avoid communication with the outside world, because talking about their relationship is scary, embarrassing and uncomfortable, any advice or hint of an unhealthy relationship is perceived with aggression and distrust.

If communication with a child was built through submission and disregard for his desires and he sought to please in order to earn the encouragement and “love” of his parents, as an adult, he will be more inclined to enter into codependence

the most important thing in life, the existentially important. An independent person may have a career in second place, a hobby in third, and travel in fourth. A codependent, on the other hand, will not be able to easily pass a value test by setting priorities from 1 to 10: all other areas of life pale against the backdrop of the significance of relationships with a partner, without them life is empty and meaningless.

Causes of co-dependent relationships between a man and a woman

The tendency to co-dependent behavior is often formed in childhood. The reasons are related to the peculiarities of relationships in the parental family and how a close adult reacted to the needs of the child: was he sensitive to successes and peculiarities, was he emotionally available, did he give freedom of action or, conversely, did he overprotect when the child could already do something do it himself and his life did not directly depend on the parent. It is noteworthy that any of the extremes can contribute to the formation of codependency in the future.

For a child, on a biological level, the absence of the love of a mother or other close relative who plays her role means death. Love in the family means that the child will be safe, he will not be abandoned, he will survive and his emotional needs will be met. Research shows that emotional abuse and neglect in childhood puts us at risk of developing codependent behavior in the future.

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If communication with a child was built through submission and neglect of his desires and he sought to please in order to earn the encouragement and “love” of his parents, as an adult, he will be more inclined to enter into codependency in marriage, in a relationship with a romantic partner. This behavior is also called the “home instinct” – that is, the reproduction of the situation of childhood in their current relationship. This happens on an unconscious level.

For example, if a girl grew up without a father or he was an emotionally unavailable figure as an adult, she may look for a man who will show similar emotional stinginess: not revealing the details of his life to the end, being as if in a distance, avoiding frank conversations. At the same time, the girl may be aware of the similarities with the relationship of her parents, but she will be firmly convinced that now, in her personal life, she will be able to change everything and correct mistakes. For example, if her parents divorced, then she definitely will not allow this and her children will not be left without a father. However, the “home instinct” often leads not only to the repetition of patterns of behavior, but also leads to the same result.

Co-dependent people believe that if they behave correctly, find the right words, do something differently, they will magically earn the love of a partner

How to understand that you are in a co-dependent relationship

Co-dependency manifests itself in different ways. It is always necessary to evaluate the intensity and coincidence of several signs of a co-dependent relationship, among which: Show control behavior, impose your will. You expect your partner to behave in a certain and understandable way for you.

• Rapid rapprochement

You met and can’t part, move in quickly, get married quickly. Often in this case, the idealization of the partner is inflated to the maximum. Our consciousness turns expectations and fantasies about the qualities of a partner into reality.

• Search for salvation

In another person you see salvation from your loneliness and inner emptiness. Career, hobbies, interests, life guidelines and principles – nothing but your partner can fill the void inside, only with him or her you feel “at home”.

• No choice

You cannot recognize and respect your partner’s right to make your own choices. The fact that his or her desires and decisions may differ from yours is frightening and not discussed.

• Impaired sensitivity to self and others

You are aware of only fragmentary knowledge about yourself and your partner, reproducing repetitions of your emotions and behavior from year to year. It’s like living the same scenario. The dominant feelings and behavioral reactions in this scenario will be guilt, anger, fear, distrust, overprotection, overcontrol.

• Difficulty in accepting responsibility

Responsibility for your well-being, development, satisfaction of needs lies with the partner. You are guided by the phrase “I would, … but …” and as if living a draft of your life.

• The idea that your partner owes you

It’s hard to negotiate in a codependent relationship. Attitudes regarding the behavior and responsibilities of a partner (for example, that a woman should be a muse, and a man should be a breadwinner) do not change from the beginning of a relationship and do not allow discussion.

• Low self-esteem

There is no inner conviction that you are worthy and valuable in yourself. You have constant doubts, and by your behavior you are trying to earn love, praise and prove that you have a right to it.

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• Money problems

Being financially dependent on a partner makes us feel small and in need of care. This desire can again be associated with the “instinct at home”, because children do not have to and cannot provide for themselves. Fanatical accumulation may indicate the opposite – the fear of losing independence and asking for help. In a healthy relationship, flexibility is implied, where financial roles can be changed without juggling the roles of “rescuer”, “victim” and “persecutor”.

• Revenge and competition

If your partner made a mistake and did something unpleasant, instead of giving constructive feedback and discussing the issue, you harbor resentment. At the right moment, you repeat the behavior of your partner in order to hurt him or her and say with grim satisfaction “why you can behave like this, but I can’t.”

• Magical thinking

Codependent people believe that if they behave correctly, find the right words, do something different, they will magically earn the love of a partner. As in childhood: if I get an A or clean the house, my parents will praise and love me more.

In addition, codependent people often have behavioral addictions, such as workaholism, compulsive overeating, hoarding, or an obsessive need for perfect cleanliness and organization of space. The life of a codependent is similar to chaos, these habits help to ground and calm down in eternal anxiety, to create a feeling of control over one’s life.

Consequences of co-dependent relationships

In co-dependent relationships, a person seems to lose himself, personal boundaries are erased, hobbies disappear and attention to his needs disappears. At the same time, all resources are spent on maintaining toxic relationships, and not on trying to restore the psychological state.

Very often codependence characterizes cyclicity. A person experiences an emotional swing – happiness and a temporary idyll are replaced by aggression, manipulation, neglect. Moreover, such changes occur suddenly, so one of the partners is constantly in suspense, waiting at any moment for a change in the weather. It shatters the psyche and self-esteem.

Breaking up a relationship is not always the only way out. If desired, partners can change their relationship if they make this decision together and make an effort

The companion of co-dependent relationships is violence. It can be physical – blows, spanks, pushes, even hugs against the will; sexual – uncomfortable touching or sexual contact against the will and consent; emotional – insults and verbal injections, various manipulations of feelings. In families with a codependency problem, passive violence can also be observed in relation to children, when parents are emotionally unavailable: there is no swearing, but there are no warm words or physical contact. Also, the responsibilities of an adult may not be transferred to the child in a timely manner – for example, the elder is expected to constantly care for the younger ones.

Violence is terrible both in itself and in its consequences. Children often develop attachment trauma that will prevent them from building trusting relationships in the future. If a person managed to get out of a co-dependent relationship, but failed to undergo personal therapy or it was insufficient, the risk of a vicious circle and a repetition of the experience with another partner is high.

How to get out of a codependent relationship

People who are prone to codependence are afraid of parting. This is a painful process, often a couple exhausted by toxic relationships does not have enough resources and energy for it. But breaking up is not always the only way out. If desired, partners can change their relationship if they make this decision together and put effort into it.

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Each situation is different, so it is not possible to give a short universal scheme. But here are some strategies and exercises to get you started:

• Self-diagnosis. Ask yourself these questions: Why am I not happy with the relationship? What are my needs being ignored? What is the value of this relationship for me? Do our views coincide with the partner regarding the development of our relations? Do I have unrealistic ideas about the future of our relationship? Am I ready to be with my partner if he/she does not stop meeting my expectations? What exactly do I want to change? What efforts am I willing to make for this?

• Work through childhood trauma and relationships with parents. Find out what processes you transfer to communication with a partner. It is best to do this with the support of a psychologist.

• Shift the focus from your partner’s desire to your desires. Ask yourself what exactly you want.

• Make a list of what you have in common and what is different with your partner. Try to learn to respect and accept your differences.

• Keep a diary of feelings. Keep track of what emotions cause you certain situations in communication with a partner.

• Focus on yourself, your interests and relationships with friends and loved ones. Find a new hobby, travel, or study.

• Work with the fear of being alone. Again, it is better to do this with a psychologist.

• Make a list of grievances against your partner, analyze them and try to identify what you are grateful for, what lessons you learned from them.

• Talk to your partner about couples or family therapy.

If you want to start the path out of co-dependency on your own, turn to self-help literature – for example, read the books of the book “Free from Addiction” by Berry and Janey Weinhold, “Codependency Through the Eyes of a Systemic Therapist” by Natalia Manukhina, “Hug Me Tight. 7 Dialogues for the Love of a Lifetime Susan Johnson, Borrowed Life by Irina Mlodik.

Get ready that the process of leaving a codependent relationship is not quick and difficult. Don’t neglect help. In addition to psychotherapy, you can seek support in special free groups. CoDa (“Codependents Anonymous”) is an international community that organizes meetings, including online in Russian. Nar-Anon and Al-Anon help those whose co-dependent relationships involve the drug and alcohol addiction of one of the partners.

Krasnoyarsk Regional Narcological Dispensary No. 1

The fact that the use of alcohol and narcotic substances are among very incurable diseases (and this is a disease) is known to many, however, there is another category of people who do not use, but have codependency with an addict. This includes the spouse, children or parents of the person using the substance, and other household members. Thinking that they are helping addicted family members, they destroy their lives and the lives of all those close to them, including the addict himself.

What is codependency and why does it develop?

Codependency is a pathological state of mind that occurs as a result of strong emotional, social, and in some cases physical dependence on another person.

Codependency is the neglect and sacrifice of one’s own needs in order to try to satisfy the needs of others. AND IT SHOULD NOT BE THIS!!!

Signs of a codependent person

The main symptoms associated with codependency are based on the fact that a person accepts the norm of behavior of another to the detriment of his own interests. A co-dependent person experiences a fear of being alone or a fear of being left without a partner, for him there is no concept of personal boundaries, he denies his desires and emotions. Other signs and symptoms of codependency may include:

• Perfectionism and fear of failure
• Sensitivity to criticism
• Refusal of personal problems
• Excessive attention to the needs of others
• Denial of personal needs
• Discomfort with receiving attention or help from others
• Guilt or responsibility for the problems of others
• Reluctance to share true thoughts and feelings for fear of not pleasing others
• Low self-esteem
• Inner shame and helplessness
• Projection of competence and autonomy
• The need to control others
• Self-assessment based on the opinion of others

A co-dependent person may feel trapped in the role of nurturer, although it is this role that gives him a sense of his own importance and switches from work to personal life. On the other hand, some people claim that they are really trying to hide the fact that they are chronically unhappy with the current situation.

People with codependency may also experience clinical depression, chronic anxiety, and/or addiction to alcohol, tobacco, and other psychoactive substances.

Manifestations of codependency

• Need for control and care of an alcohol-dependent relative. As a result, he develops persistent irresponsibility and lack of ability to take independent actions.
• Tolerance is developed for the antics of the alcoholic, his actions and drunken scandals.
• The problem of codependency is denied.
• There is a feeling that a relative drinks through your fault, personal self-esteem decreases.
• Ignoring one’s own needs, losing control over one’s own life and destiny also speaks of codependency.
• Quite often, codependents become depressed, they have suicidal thoughts.
• Such people do not want to take care of themselves, they cannot communicate with others.
• The family becomes isolated from society, because it is impossible to invite someone to visit or go on your own – it is not known what the alcoholic will throw out this time.
• Codependency is also manifested by apathy, obsessive thoughts and excessive tearfulness.
• Co-dependent often instead of pronouns like “he”, “him”, “I” generalizes himself with the alcoholic “we”, “us”, etc. For example, “we have already tried everything” or “we were dug”, etc.
• Codependent people are constantly in a state of excessive anxiety, even when there is no cause for excitement. They just subconsciously wait for their loved one to get drunk again.
• In personal quarrels with an alcoholic, the co-dependent usually violently displays emotions, threatens, defiantly pours alcohol into the sink, teaches, etc. It may well come to a fight, however, if others start shouting and punishing the alcoholic, then the co-dependent zealously defends the alcoholic, even if they are brought quite weighty arguments.
• “Sacrifice”. A similar sign is manifested in constant self-pity, the codependent constantly tells everyone how hard it is for him to live with an alcoholic. To the advice to leave and get a divorce, a reaction arises like: “who needs him”, “he will die without me”, etc. Sometimes there is a fear of being left alone, because an alcoholic, no matter what he is, is always there, he needs care and help.

Codependency Test

Read the following statements carefully and put a number in front of each item that reflects your perception of the statement. It is not necessary to think for a long time over the answers to the proposed judgments. Choose the answer that best matches your opinion.

Test questions:

• I have difficulty making decisions.
• It’s hard for me to say no.
• I find it hard to accept compliments as something deserved.
• Sometimes I almost get bored if there are no problems to focus on.
• I usually don’t do for others what they can do for themselves.
• If I do something nice for myself, I feel guilty.
• I don’t worry too much.
• I tell myself that everything will be better for me when the people around me change, stop doing what they are doing now.
• It seems that in my relationships I always do everything for others, and they rarely do anything for me.
• Sometimes I focus on the other person to the point where I forget other relationships and things I should be responsible for.
• I often seem to get involved in relationships that hurt me.
• I hide my true feelings from others.
• When someone offends me, I carry it in myself for a long time, and then one day I can explode.
• To avoid conflicts, I can go as far as I like.
• I often have fear or a sense of imminent disaster.
• I often put the needs of others ahead of my own.

To get the total score, flip the scores for items 5 and 7 (for example, if there was 1 point, then replace it with 6 points, 2 with 5 points, 3 with 4 points, 6 with 1 point, 5 for 2 points, 4 for 3 points) and then sum up.

Scores:

16-32 — norm,

33-60 — moderate codependency,

61-96 — pronounced codependence.

If a person who is prone to codependency finds himself in a close relationship with a dependent person, be it alcoholism, drug addiction, gambling addiction, etc., then codependence becomes a disease. Without treatment, codependency progresses over time and makes it impossible for a person to build normal relationships with other people. Even if a co-dependent person manages to break off such relationships, then he is either forced to live alone, or, as a rule, builds new relationships with the dependent again.